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It’s a bad day. It has been from the moment Andrew woke up. Andrew woke up to his skin burning from the past. The feelings of lingering touches, lingering looks, hands where no hands are anymore, where they never should have been, a buzzing is his mind and in his bones that if he is seen or interacted with that it will not end well.
Despite these issues, he notices that it is a bad day for Neil as well. Neil woke him up by leaving the room at around half past 4am and has not returned. His phone is laying on the couch, forgotten possibly but more likely left behind, for once he has even left his keys. Andrew knows that he will have to wait Neil out if he wants to talk to him, but Andrew does not want to talk to him. Neil sees too much, knows too much, for Andrew to want to be with him. He wouldnt mind seeing Neil, having confirmation that he is safe, but he would not want Neil to see him. This is why he does not wait.
Andrew sends a single text with the barest of information to Wymack, someone who will not ask for further information, that he will not be attending practice and that Neil is out. Andrew does not tell him that Neil is unlikely to attend practice at all today, does not tell him that if Neil shows up he will be upset, because Wymack will handle it no matter what happens, and Andrew trusts him with that at least. He grabs his keys, wallet, and a hoodie when he leaves. By the time Andrew reaches his car he decides to also message Renee. He won't give her any reasons, but he trusts her enough to tell her that the upperclassmen (and Andrew’s wards) shouldn’t message him or Neil until either one gets back and know that she will enforce it. He pulls out of the parking lot slowly, much slower than he wishes to, because he would not like a ticket or an arrest. When he quickly reaches the highway where there are few cameras and even fewer people to hit, he presses completely down on the gas. It is not what he needs, it helps a bit anyways.
Andrew decidedly does not like having needs, but even he can admit to them sometimes. He needs comfort, or more accurately, he needed comfort. When he was 7 and he didn't really understand what was going on but he knew he didn't like it, when he was 9 and was already far too used to this specific brand of violence, when he was 12 and was convincing himself that it didn't matter, and when he was 13 and it was his only chance at having a mother. Comfort would never fix his problems, even when he had it it hadn't really helped, just became a brief interlude from his pain. Despite knowing this, he seemed to want it anyway. Today he found this comfort in his hands on the steering wheel in complete control, in the cigarette between his lips that he hadn’t lit yet because his hands were still too shaky, in the hoodie that still smelled like Neil's body wash because he had stolen it for all of yesterday, and in the idea that he was far away from anyone who knew anything about him.
Andrew was still driving when the sun finished rising and he made his first stop at a gas station roughly 2 hours after that. He bought a mocha because there was no way they’d make a coffee that met his standards, a tub of phish food, and filled up his tank. The attendant didn't say anything during the entire interaction which Andrew found helpful of her. Once he had bought his things he pulled out of the station and continued driving. Roughly 20 minutes out there was a sign for a waterfall that he turned into. Andrew didn’t care to see the waterfall but appreciated the shaded and secluded parking lot that shielded him from the late summer sun and all the people that came along with being in public. He parked on the far edge of said parking lot and ate his ice cream. He didn’t feel any better. More stable perhaps, but just as dysregulated and unsettled. That was fine, he hadn’t expected anything more, he hadn’t expected anything at all really, he had pushed those ideas down years ago. It was only midday by the time he finished his ice cream and despite no reason for his sudden mood switch he had begun to almost want to see Neil. This was not something he would be willing to admit out loud, even to Neil himself, but it did not stop the want. As impossible as it felt right now he wanted to have Neil touch him. Touch him where everyone else had. For the hands to be good, to be from a person he trusted, someone he knows would remove them at a moments notice if he felt even any hesitation from Andrew. Andrew knows this would not go well, so he wants from afar. He knows that wants do not outweigh needs, and he needs no one to touch him. He stays in the parking lot. He even contemplates, he also quickly decides that if his thoughts about his wants with Neil keep getting muddled with his nightmare and his memories that he will hit something. He drives, not further away from Palmetto, but not really closer either. He drives until the sun has started to set and it is getting too late to continue distancing himself from his bed. He justifies that he could sleep in his car or book a hotel if he needs to and continues driving.
Andrew has received 3 texts during this day. The first a confirmation that Wymack saw his text and two from Renee. This first says that she will make sure everyone gives Neil and him space until they return and the second stating that she will let him know when Neil gets back.
This is how he knows Neil has not returned to Palmetto, has not returned to the foxes, has not even returned to him. Neil has not contacted anyone since he said good night to Andrew, for all anyone knows he could be dead, could be an ocean away with a new name, Andrew knows he would be capable of it even with the FBI watching. Andrew worries, not because Neil wouldn't want to come back but because he may not be able to. Maybe because he was forced, maybe because he can't convince himself to turn around. Andrew has a general disdain for emotions, especially his own, but worrying about people sits high on his list of hated feelings. This is why when he receives a message from Renee he pulls over. She tells him that Aaron, Nicky, and Kevin have joined the upperclassmen for a movie before bed and that Neil is still not back, she also asks if there is anything else he needs from her tonight. He affords her the courtesy of responding. He says that he needs nothing and that tomorrow they should meet up. He knows she will see it as the deflection it is but also that she will not call him out on it. Andrew almost even thanks her mentally for this.
It is nearing 11pm when Andrew returns to the dorms. Andrew does not feel better and Neil is still not back. He decides that he will wait until midnight and then go searching because until midnight there is nothing to truly worry about, Neil did not say when he would be back so there is no reason to be worried that he is not meeting a timeline. Andrew waits. Andrew turns on a baking show that he watches solely to distract himself and sits by the window to smoke. He cannot see the TV but he doesn't need to for it to be a distraction.
When his phone's clock finally hits midnight Andrew leaves again. He cannot imagine a universe where Neil returns and goes anywhere but to the court or his bed and if he was going to come back to the dorms he already would have, so Andrew goes to the court. Neil is there. He is standing at the penalty spot shooting at the home goal. Neil does not seem to see Andrew at all so he decides to wait in the bleachers.
It is nearing 1am when Andrew decides that enough is enough. He goes and puts on his goalie gear, grabs his stick, and makes his way onto the court. Neil only notices him once Andrew has passed where he is standing to get in the goal. Neil says nothing. He hesitates for a moment before resuming his actions and does not stop to watch Andrew block every shot. It takes very little effort from Andrew. For all the anger Neil is throwing with he is too tired to make a good shot. By the time Neil finishes with the basket of practice balls that are out he realises that Andrew has been clearing them down the court and that picking them up will require more than he can currently offer. Neil decides that this is apparently time to stop and walks sluggishly off the court to change out. Andrew cleans up the balls because he knows the team will question Neil tomorrow if they find it like this and Neil will not want to answer but he will anyway because it is the foxes that are asking.
By the time he has finished cleaning up and put everything away Neil is sitting in the lounge. He is yet to have made eye contact with Andrew. Andrew relies on the fact that Neil will not run away again while he changes out to take him time and plan. He knows Neil is not ready to talk yet, he will bring it up when he is, he also knows that Neil needs to be brought out of his own head for now. The easiest way to accomplish this would be kissing him but Andrew knows that right now that is not something he is capable of providing. Instead Andrew walks into the lounge and straight out into the car park, getting immediately into his car. He knows Neil will follow him and he is right because a minute later Neil walks up to the passenger door and gets in. Andrew drives them back to fox tower in near silence, the only noises the hum of the engine and the quiet breathing of a man trying to disappear into nothingness despite his wants to be someone tangible. Andrew gets out of the car, waiting to lock it until Neil follows him, and takes the stairs. He, perhaps predictably as much as he would not want to be, does not stop at the floor of their dorm, Neil spends no time being confused, continuing to follow Andrew to the roof. It is there, when they've sat down and are both looking out into the distant night, that Neil finally speaks. He speaks quietly, almost softly but unable to convince the edge out of his tone or the raspiness of his voice away, as small as possible as if to avoid disturbing the night.
“I almost left” he says, because he needs Andrew to know just as much as he needs to acknowledge it himself.
“I ran to the airport, even tried to book a flight.” Neil cannot seem to talk about what he wants to talk about, but he can't seem to stay silent either. Andrew tries to give him the space to talk freely, no matter the topic, because he is enjoying Neil's ability to talk, and because that action is acting as a sieve for his thoughts, shaking loose bad memories to let them fall into the abyss off the edge of the rooftop and keeping the fragments about Neil and his problems. Neil rambles on a bit about his plan, talking about how he still had a couple of IDs he hadn’t used or told the FBI about, hadn't told anyone about, how he was going to fly to New York because it housed a city in which two of his mothers contacts held residence. He talked about digging up the stache in the area between Saratoga Springs and Vermont, taking the money to get a new identity and go somewhere different, somewhere he had never been, somewhere in South America where his year of taking Spanish would pay off. He even mentioned that he had a half-baked plan to only be there for a couple weeks during which he would learn a new language and go somewhere the FBI wouldn't expect he could go. Neil seemed a bit out of breath by the time he finished talking, it was certainly too much to say in comparison to the breaths he had allowed himself. He finally had no more to say on the topic and it left both of them in a shockingly comfortable quiet. Andre felt more at peace than he had the whole day. Neil still wasn’t his answer, but maybe he was guiding Andrew towards tonight's answer. Andrew didn’t want to disturb the peace that had stilled the night but he wanted to say something. Something that would help soothe Neil, it was out of his mouth before he had even thought it,
“I’m happy you came back.” The words surprise Andrew as much as they do Neil, who immediately turned to Andrew when he started speaking and now seems bewildered. Andrew struggles for a moment to school his own expression into something less vulnerable than his words, he doesn't really succeed. Andrew finally turns to look back at Neil after a long minute of silence, the movement startles Neil into responding,
“I will always try to.” Neil is unwilling to lie to Andrew by saying he always will, which is part of how Andrew knows Neil is being truthful, and the words feel just as impossible as all all the other things Neil has said “It’s always yes with you”, “I’m not a hallucination”, and “Thank you, you were amazing” all flood his brain as reminders of the other times Neil saw Andrew, and responded with only the barest of truths, reassurances, even if they didn’t feel believable. This was the first time it was in response to something like this however and that thought would have taken his legs out from under him had Andrew been standing. Instead of indulging in his innate response to tell Neil he hated him or to push his face away so he wasn’t looking, Andrew decided to indulge in a different way.
“Yes or no.” Neil took a moment to search Andrew’s eyes before deciding,
“Yes.” Andrew kissed him, softly and gentler than he had ever been. Neil quickly stuck his hands under his own thighs and melted into the kiss. It wouldn’t go further than this, it couldn't tonight, but for now it was all either of them needed.