Chapter Text
Everything had been red and Blue, then everything went white. He could feel her still holding him, but he couldn't comprehend what that even meant. The light was blinding, it was also seemingly burning his very thoughts away. When the light was finally gone his thoughts returned slowly. She was no longer holding him and now everything was a black endless void. However he couldn't feel the pull he had felt just before the light. He could hear distant voices, despite not being able to hear a word he knew they were the voices of the others.
'Well this is it. You got what you wanted. congratulations!' he said to himself without a mouth. Did he even exist anymore in this endless void. One of the voices was closer now. He could almost make out who it was even by the muffled voice. He felt something change and the endless void was black no longer.
He was surrounded by the same image over and over, some of them bigger and others smaller. Like a hundred cameras had taken a picture from a slightly different angle. He had trouble focusing on any individual image and the lack of light didn't help. However that familiar red and blue drew his eye.
"Jax ...you hear ... Always be ..." came the muffled voice. That brought him back. Suddenly he was sitting there looking at a dozen images of Pomni. Looking down his hand was there but it was an indistinct purple blob.
Laying his head back he ignored the muffled one-sided conversation. Concentrating, the odd space he was in returned to the pink lit space from before. Getting up he walked over to the lamppost again.
Thinking back to what that annoying jester had done he leaned against the lamppost. He slid down as he thought about everything. He had been so stupid living in a cartoon world, then he actually got trapped in a cartoon world. It all felt so stupid in retrospect even if the details were still fuzzy.
"I'm sorry Jax" was much clearer than the rest no longer muffled. Sorry for what? what did she possibly have to apologize for? He wanted to laugh or cry or both but what was the point. This was his eternity right here. It was entirely his own doing, planned from the start.
He closed his eyes trying to embrace the feeling from earlier. Instead his thoughts became more solid and he'd bet so did this mental 'body'. Thinking back to that pull he had felt he tried to force it once more. He tried for what felt like hours maybe even days. All that did was exhaust what little energy he had left.
However his thoughts never slowed, sleep never came. He simply laid down closing his eyes. For a while he was able to just relax and not think about anything in particular. However he did think back on this master plan of his, it had been in the works for far longer than the circus. He remembered that day that was a lifetime ago now. Coming home from school and putting a knife to his throat. He didn't lower it because someone pleaded with him but because he was too much of a pussy to go through with it.
There were many more like that all the way up to .... The night he left. He never understood why he couldn't just do it. Even now he couldn't understand what he was clinging onto. However he had finally done it, and in a way he couldn't suddenly back out of. He was finally free even if he was a coward for how it played out. He had finally reached the only end that was possible for him.
He smiled to himself thinking about how well he pulled it all off, the teasing, the bullying and the laughing. He had successfully pushed them all away. Except for those two ... The two he foolishly let inside. He had realized his mistake with the first pushing them away like the others. He thought that was it when she abstracted and took his secrets with them. However than along came that red and blue idiot.
With a grunt he jumped to his feet. How long had he been in here and already he was thinking about things. Getting dangerously close to ... To those thoughts the ones that ruined his life. Hitting his head against the lamppost. He started running in a random direction. After all if he was focused on moving he wouldn't be able to think.
After what felt like forever he hit some kind of 'wall'. Jumping back up he ran along that wall hitting a corner and then running along that wall. He would have run along the entire 'room' like that only stopping if he was sure the thoughts would not come back. However there was a door, a very familiar one. A pink door with his face on it to be precise. Without really thinking about it he grabbed the handle.
Suddenly he was seeing a memory from his childhood. He had put on his mom's heels and was trying to balance and walk with them. Then his dad came in just at that moment and threw him to the ground. "No son of mine will be wearing women's shoes like a sissy!" He roared taking the shoes off him and then spanked him with full force.
He ripped his hand away from the door, it was slightly ajar now. Through the gap he could hear music. Specifically a song he used to sing. The piano also reminded him of when he used to take lessons. The song however was a bittersweet thing. A song he had desperately learned due to it's only part being extremely high. It was because it was extremely high that he could only sing it for a year till puberty hit.
He punched the wall next to the door before walking back to the lamppost. He filled his head with as much anger as he could muster shooing away any kind of coherent thoughts. This place truly was hell and one that he deserved. He sat back down at the lamppost and pushed away all his remaining thoughts.
It took some time but he finally was able to do it. 'How pathetic that a bunch of scary thoughts are enough to scare me' he laughed at himself. However just when he was about to close his eyes he heard her again. Pomni was back to bother him again. What did she need to come be annoying every 5 minutes.
"Sorry its been a few days things are busy right now" She said before he could tune her out. A few days? Had he been running around in here for that long? He vaguely listened from there mostly using her voice to distract himself. She was talking about having fun conjuring and something about cain but he couldn't care any less. She was about to leave when she held something up. "Gangle said to give this to you." She said setting a drawing down on the ground.
By the time he actually gave it a look she was long gone. It was a familiar drawing. There he was drawn in the familiar style and next to him was a gangle drawn by someone with 0 talent for art. He seethed at seeing it again. Having given into the losers pleading to draw with her. It was a mistake then and it was a mistake to have given this to him now. He wanted with all his being to rip it to pieces but his body didn't listen at all.
He turned away from the image deciding to do a few different comedy acts involving the lamppost. Including a "I'm singing in the void" number while spinning around it. He tried tunning out the music that constantly tugged at things he'd rather keep buried. "Knock it off I'm trying to brood in here" He yelled at the door. What drifted back he couldn't make out but that was his voice. Were there multiple of him in here. No way he'd know if he wasn't the only person in his head right?
Storming over to the door the music kept playing obnoxiously. "Hey what are you supposed to be my conscience or something" he called not coming too close to the door. "No but I do represent a part of you" came the reply in his voice but sounded nothing like his usual tone. "Oh I get it you're my failed music career" he joked getting back into the rhythm. The music still persisted unbothered by his insult. "Why insult yourself? Jokes about yourself are more sad than funny" He said barely heard over the music.
"Can you at least stop playing the damn piano you're getting on my nerves" He yelled stomping a little closer still weary of touching the door again. There was not an immediate answer this time either. "I can stop but I'm finally getting through to you for once" He finally replied the piano stopping briefly to make a point before continuing. Rage filled him and before he could think it through kicked open the door. However he was surprised to find no memories assaulting him.
There right by the door was his copy sitting at the piano. He stopped playing to give him a nervous smile. "Finally decided to join me instead of avoiding your feelings" he asked before turning back to play that exact same song for the 100th time. "I'm not-" He began before he slammed down hard making an awful sound. He silent for a few seconds.
"Are you really going to try to lie to me when I can hear your thoughts" He asked in a surprisingly calm voice. "I wa- wait you can hear my thoughts" he asked the other, shock filling him. The other went back to playing seemingly ignoring him. "Would you stop that! I'm getting tired of your delayed responses" He snapped slamming his hand against the wall. The other continued playing seemingly oblivious to his presence now. Lunging forward he spun his counterpart around and lifted him off his feet. "Oh? Are you finally going to release me" Asked his reflection a quizzical smirk on his face. The sound of a chain made him look down to see the dangling foot was chained to the piano. He dropped the annoying version onto the bench kicking the legs out as he did.
He continued playing seemingly oblivious to his presence now. Lunging forward he spun his counterpart around and lifted him off his feet. "Oh? Are you finally going to release me" Asked his reflection a quizzical smirk on his face. The sound of a chain made him look down to see the dangling foot was chained to the piano. He dropped the annoying version onto the bench kicking the legs out as he did. He turned away before seeing the aftermath.
He was intending on going back to his place by the lamppost. That's when he heard a noise like a door rattling as well as clinking of chain from out in the hall. It sounded like someone running into a locked door at full speed. That was right the hallway. He remembered now how things went when Pomni had come in here. Somehow he'd seen it all from an outside perspective up until that last door.
"why are you different from back then" He asked turning back but the door was shut once again. He slowly turned back around to walk aimlessly. "That was how you wanted Pomni to see you. This is how you view yourself" Came his own muffled reply from behind the door. He pauses at that staring back at the door. How he views himself? He thought on that for a second or two. 'Let me leave you with this to think about. When have we ever been truly happy' came a thought that was definitely not his. It probably was, given his other self had said about hearing his thoughts.
That did make him think as he walked aimlessly around the big open space. When had he ever been happy that wasn't tainted by other emotion? Well is it any wonder he ended up here if he never got to be happy in life? He chuckled softly at that. He was still deep in thought when Pomni's voice snapped him out. "There's only three other abstracted that are still conscious inside. Well besides you of course" She said a nervous energy to her words.
"They are Queenie who was Kinger's wife, Kaufmo, and .... and Ribbit" She said before her first sentence even sunk in. Ribbit and Kaufmo were in this same boat he was? His metaphorical heart clenched thinking of them in this kind of endless torment. He didn't really hear when Pomni talked about seeing Kaufmo. His thoughts and emotions raged like a storm quite literally.
The void battered him like a hurricane to reflect the state of his thoughts. However he did hear one thing through the storm. "He seems pretty happy. Even said he prefers it cause Caine can't get him in there" Pomni said the smile apparent in her voice. The storm gradually lessened and became like a light downpour.
The image of Pomni in the dim light of the tent came into stark focus. "Ribbit was also doing well she asked about you. When I told her she was quite sad that despite everything you ended up going down the same path" She said her voice more somber than it had ever been. He closed his eyes trying to block her out. Why did she have to tell him any of this?
He could almost feel the door in the hallway rattling hard enough to send cracks through the barricade and even the wall. In fact he felt his very foundations would break. Vaguely he heard Pomni asking him something in a concerned tone. Not long later he felt her leave but he was still trying to keep himself from ... Whatever was happening.
Why had mentioning Ribbit done this to him? Pomni had SEEN what happened between him and ribbit so it wasn't her knowing. Was it thinking about Ribbit being trapped in this darkness like him? No he already thought about that before. The cracks continued to grow ever larger to the point that half the hallway was covered in them.
With all the strength he could manage he pushed all of it down and started running again. He ran in a different direction this time however he never hit a wall. Instead he ran right off some edge and fell. Had the cracks reached all the way in here? No this felt .... Older ... Much older.
He fell for a while until he could no longer feel the cracks, the hallway or even see what was happening outside. Suddenly he hit the bottom hard his thoughts freezing for a moment before he recovered and got to his feet. This was his brain he couldn't die in here just like out in the circus. So then why did that fall hurt so bad?He looked around seeing nothing at first. Then he saw a light somewhere out there in the darkness of his mind.
He made his way there seemingly not moving but also feeling as if he was moving insanely fast. After what could either be years or a single second he was in front of a mirror. As soon as he got close enough he was dragged into yet another memory. This one was jumbled and constipated of seemingly every time he looked in a mirror.
He realized at no point did his memory self look his reflection in the eye. Seemingly even avoiding looking at anything reflective like a vampire. That was until a memory from what looked like just before he... Before the circus. He was staring angrily at himself holding the sides of the sink tight enough to hurt his hands even though he no longer had any.
He then looked up slightly growled and grabbed scissors that had been sitting there. "Well mom if my hair means so much to you I'll just cut it off then neither of us gets what we want" He said before the scissors were thrust towards his head. The memory moved on but he felt like his scalp being shredded.
The next memory seemed to be him in some abandoned office building seemingly seeing his reflection in a computer screen. He looked awful. He was skinny beyond anything he'd ever seen before to the point his clothes looked like they would slide off. His head had ugly scabs all over it with thin patchy hair starting to grow back.
His clothes caked in several different unknown substances. They were ripped and had a few holes showing bruises underneath. Worst of all was his face though. His mouth doing its best to mimic that cartoony grin Jax was known for. He also had unexplainable bruises, marks and injuries all over his face. Lastly his eyes were so devoid of emotions it almost seemed like the person behind them was dead.
"haha well look how you ended up hahaha guess she w ..was right. You look like shit .... Even more than I do ... and that's saying something" Came the raspy voice of his memory self. Wait. "Yeah I'm talking to you Jax" The memory said the screen and mirror dissolving. His past self changing to look like his circus avatar instead of his human self.
"honestly you look like you're going to break before I do" Mirror Jax said that smile barely even moving as he talked. "What do you mean? I'm fine and there is no way I look worse than you do right now" he said scoffing at his counterpart. Then it pointed and there was another mirror yet both of them were in it. The other Jax didn't look as bad now as a cartoon but still bad.
However across from him where he should be standing was something from a nightmare. Black lines snaked across his body going over his eyes mouth and even overalls. Each little 'section' changed something about his appearance. Some that snaked over his overalls had different costumes he had worn including the spudsy's uniform, the sequence unitard and even the maid dress.
Several of the ones on his upper body showed the same yellow as his eyes and mouth. Reminding him of the time Caine had went ballistic and tore his skin off his skeleton. Several were all black with a multicolor eye or two. Then there was the face that seemingly had been split into several emotions. One of the mouth ones was hyper realistic with sharp teeth. Half of one eye was multicolor and finally one that was on his ear had half a pink bow on it.
He reached out to touch the mirror and the abomination did too. Then he punched the mirror as hard as he could not wanting to see it anymore. There was a shattering sound as the shards seemed to fall in slow motion. He felt a sharp pain and then he realized his hand hit the lamppost and was now bent at a nauseating angle. He tried to ignore the black lines as he examined his now extremely broken wrist.
The pain was far more than he expected and more real than it ever was in the circus. Gritting his teeth he once again sat in front of the lamppost. He could feel the cracks and black lines growing. He was going to once again forcibly stop them he saw someone that he didn't expect. Caine was in his dim little tent and trying to show him pictures.
He vaguely remember Pomni saying he returned but he ignored all that. Once again he took a deep breath and held everything together with sheer willpower. He sat there simply holding his fractured self together for a few moments.
Then he thought about what he had seen in that hole. "That other me ... Probably represents my past right? Then what was piano guy .... My introspective side?" He spoke allowed for the first time in what felt like years. As he gave the different versions more thought he remembered the mirror. He felt the cracks and the black lines grow ever so slightly.
He immediately stopped thinking all together. Some loose thoughts still surfaced though. Would he have to say like this forever? Yes if necessary, yes. Why did it even matter if his mind shattered, he was dead right? Well this is my punishment for life and I won't run from it.
He closed his eyes trying to shut everything out to simply exist. And for a while it worked it was oddly peaceful to not have anything to worry about. His life was always one event after another with little to no break in between. Surprisingly in spite of his still broken wrist still hurting and the cracks a smile crept onto his face.
That did make him think but this time his thoughts came slow and easy. "Well guess it took dying for me to feel happy? Huh ... Wow that's pretty fucked up. If I had lived Id make sure that I'd only live my life to be happy like this." He continued to lie there hoping he could stay like this forever.
Sadly the moment ended after some undefined amount of time. He lost whatever was keeping the moment joyful. His thoughts returned to being fast and cold. Why couldn't he just be happy? Because this was his personal hell he didn't get to be happy not after everything. Eventually he sat up how would he even go about seeking out how to be happy? What made him happy about that moment just now?
He decided if he was going to go talk to piano Jax about all this confusing bullshit. He got up careful not to use his broken arm. It still hurt and it was starting to feel worse almost as bad as it likely would in real life. That's when he stopped dead in his tracks. That was right not only is he dead he was never real in the first place.
He felt like that would finally undo him at the seams. However before he could spiral to far he heard Pomni come into his tent. "Hey I brought you some stuff to decorate and make this place more like your own room. Got Cain to open your old room so I could get some of your old stuff" she said carrying a familiar box. That box was where he put the only items he actually treasures here in the circus.
What right did she have going through his stuff like that? If he could he would beat that smile off her face for daring to go into his room. Then she began bringing stuff out of the box one by one and placing them around. The first few were nothing special just decorations from his room. Then came the little things that he had mostly forgotten about.
A Pie tin from a prank all three of them participated in. A few papers with either a drawing or writing on them. He remembered what was on each one even if not shown directly. A strange sculpture of Jax that she made during one adventure. A hat he had worn that both of his friends said suited him.
More and more of the junk he had collected left the box until there was only a few things left. A few polaroids the only one he looked at as she hung them up was the one of all three of them together. That camera that she had managed to bring back from an adventure was the best. They no longer had to rely on the pen and paper that no one knew where it kept coming from.
If he thought about it he could remember each and every photo including the ones locked away in two other rooms. He tried not to think about it at all or to let the emotions overwhelm him. That was when she pulled out the last item. He felt himself shiver both his mental self and his abstracted body. It was ribbits bow.
Suddenly he was back there having come across her abstraction. She was seemingly distracted on the other end of the back hallway they were in. The whole place was a mess and likely even before the big black dinosaur was here. He winced recognizing the items as ribbits including a smashed camera. Then his eyes landed on her bow. He reached down picking it up.
Before he could have any kind of thought about that her abstraction finally noticed him and began running right at him. He stuffed the bow in his pocket and ran out of the hallway.
Pulled back from the memory he was more furious than ever before. He wanted with all his being for the nosy little jester to die. He didn't care if there wasn't actually a permanent death in the circus he would just have to make one.
To his surprise his body actually listened to him for once jumping at Pomni trying to trample her. He kicked her hard sending her rolling across the ground. Pomni screamed something and scrambled out of the tent.
His body drew back from the light of the entrance. If she ever showed her face again, he would make sure she knew that glitching would be the least of her worries. The rage lasted for another few minutes while his body seemingly paced inside the tent.
As the blinding rage subsided her heard and felt the door in the hall shaking so violently the entire place was shaking like an earthquake. He ran to the door hoping he wasn't too late to stop it. He tried and tried to push it all down but failed every time. He threw the door open. He had no time to contemplate why piano Jax was missing as he continued to the hall.
As soon as he stepped out he saw the entire doorframe go flying, hitting the opposite wall. Everything stopped in that moment including his thoughts and even the pacing his body had been doing. He shut his eyes not wanting to see what had been behind that door.
He heard footsteps but refused to move an inch, as whatever it was came through that door came right for him. It stopped just in front of him not moving even after several minutes. He kept his eyes shut tight not wanting to acknowledge whatever it was.
However he heard a sound he couldn't place but almost sounded like a muffled giggle. Against every instinct he had he slowly opened his eyes to confront the monster. When he did, time itself seemed to freeze. The block that had kept him from thinking about certain things broke alart. "So you're m-" was all he got out before everything went black.