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Dean was not jealous. Nope, he couldn't be, because if he was, then it meant other things, and he was not ready for “the other things”.
But God he was jealous..not God-God, but there still was an ache in his chest, the urge to go and crab Cas away from the woman he was talking on end of the bar, to go sit next to him, to talk, to do anything that those blues eyes would only look at him like he was Cas’s world and that Cas..not him, Dean, but Cas would tell the woman that Dean was actually the only thing he wanted. But that, all while jealous, was also selfish, right? And Dean did not do.. selfish. He, he couldn't be selfish if… what if Cas wanted to be with the woman and not Dean and Dean had no rights over Cas. No right whatsoever.
He watched how suddenly Angel's stoic face changed, a small tuck in the corner of his mouth indicating to Dean that Cas was enjoying whatever woman had said, and that hurt. Lord o’mighty, how it hurt because Dean could not get that from Cas. No. No, because they had fought over some stupid self-sacrificing act that either one had accused the other of doing, and Dean had bitten where he knew he could hurt Cas the most. He had accused Cas with horrible words that had come after a terror of losing Cas in a close-call hunt, when in that moment he actually had realised he could not… if Cas died… live without him. And that was not love, could not be, because Dean did not do Love, not that kind of love. So it must be codependency, and that was once again selfish. And Dean did not do that.
He watched how Cas leaned forward, placing his hand on the woman's arm and actually stroking it. No, no, Dean could not watch more. He rose from the stool he had been sitting on, pushing the untouched shot glass away like it was something hideous. In the corner of his eye, he saw a woman placing her hand on Cas's thigh, and Dean was out of the door.
In anger, he had refused Castiel's healing, even though he craved the closeness of Cas's grace, as it was part of the Angel itself and Cas always was so soft in his touch which he did not need to do while healing, but did it always for Dean, and Dean just wanted to lean into it.
He got almost to the Impala before the stifled sob burst out. There were no tears because this... this was not a that kind of matter. Cas.. Cas was alive and happy, so Dean should also be happy, but he wasn't. The hitched breath racked his broken ribs, making the pain he had felt earlier more vivid. He just needed to get to the motel, and he would be fine. He would get something for the pain, he would get some sleep, and he would… he would…be fine. But he wasn't. Not when turning the key to the empty motel room as Sam was back in the bunker. Not when he threw baby's keys on the side table, the sound of them echoing in the emptiness that he felt in his chest. And not when he sat in the bed, alone and sobbed because all he wanted was Cas. He wanted to be selfish; he wanted it so much that it hurt, deep, deep in his soul. He pushed his fist into his chest because now his breath hitched, and he was not getting enough air into his lungs. Maybe it was that his feelings were trying to claw out, because after all this, he must be in love, and he loved Cas even though he had no right to. And in pain, his body curled into itself, leaning forward while he coughed the blood out, he thought that maybe his heart really was bleeding. Maybe he is dying now, but he still had so many things to tell Cas… Cas?
“Dean, Dean! What is it?? What's wrong?” Hands grab him by the shoulder, but Dean just shook his head; this was not real. It was not.
“Dean..!”
His breath hitched a dragged sob again, and it made his head swim badly. He could not keep up with his thoughts or the demands of the voice that sounded like Cas’s. His teeth clicked together; he was suddenly so cold and tired.
“Alright.. It's alright, Dean. I got you”
Suddenly, something pushed his cheek. A familiar scent surrounds him. The warmth and tight grip cocooned him.
“Dean, can you open your eyes for me?” The question is not a demand this time; it's a warm and soft plea, so he does it and meets Cas's concerned blue eyes
“Ca-Cas?” is the only thing he gets out between his rattling teeth
“Now keep still, I am going to heal you. You have internal bleeding”
“No..I..Cas?”
“Dean, this is not open for negotiation. Just keep still, for me”
Dean nodded, or he thinks he nods. His head feels so heavy and foggy. From the perspective of the furniture, it seems he's dropped down to the floor and is now propped up half sitting against the angel. He has no recollection of getting down or Cas lifting him up.
The warm cocoon feeling does not vanish when Cas leans in and lets his grace do the healing. His palm is firmly placed on Dean's chest, and Dean leans his head against Cas's shoulder, giving in to the touch.
When he feels Cas move, he whispers, “I am sorry”
“Dean, this is not your fault. I should have healed you despite our argument.”
For some reason that made Dean sniff and swallow hard, but he did not pull away. No, because he wanted to be close to Cas
“I meant..I meant me being me” he could not stop his breath coming out ragged and wheezing as he now could fill his lungs full. He still could taste bloody saliva in his mouth
“Dean, you.. “ He felt how Cas sighed, and it made him utterly miserable. He did not want to make Cas miserable. Why couldn't he be making Cas happy?
“If you wouldn’t be you, I would not love you all my being, Dean.”
“Wha..what?
“And I would definitely not have tried to make you jealous and cause you to have a panic attack while bleeding internally. So, I am the one who should be apologising”
Dean lolls his head back to see Angel better “You… you tried to get me jealous?”
Cas does not meet his gaze, but Dean can still feel his hand on his chest “Yes, I told Charlie it would not work, and I should not have tried…”
“You did that for me?” He starts to smile like a fool, and he definitely feels the lightness of his head spreading all over his body.
“Dean. I was in error and…”
Cas sounds so serious, and Dean can only chuckle.
“Dean, this is not a laughing matter! You could have died!” Cas sounds so distraught.
“But did not” and brushes his cheek against Cas's shoulder again, he feels so giddy and happy, and maybe he's still buzzing from Cas’s grace, but he also feels how drowsiness is starting to push him heavily, so he closes his eyes.
There's a hesitation from Cas and then Dean feels him move “Let's get you to bed. You need rest”
Dean really tries to get his feet under him when Castiel helps him up, but it still results in him plopping onto the mattress, heavily against the bed's springs, his body swaying up and down. It feels funny, like being on a rollercoaster, and he once again laughs happily.
Before Cas can let go of his grip on Dean’s shirt collar and retreat from Dean’s sight, Dean takes hold on Cas writs.
“I love you too, Cas” He looks at Cas under his half-closed eyes. Cas makes a valiant effort not to look shocked
“Dean, you are not…”
“I am..I mean it,” Dean nods, which feels very drunkenly movement
“Alright, let's talk about this in the morning”
“Doesn’t change anything”, Dean sings songs with a sigh. Letting go of Angel's wrists, not that he actually had been preventing Cas from pulling away, he moves to a better position while closing his eyes.
Just when Cas is about to go to sit in the chair, Dean mumbles, “Stay”, his hand reaching blindly toward the angel. And Castiel stays. And Dean, he still loves Castiel in the morning.