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Carmy should’ve known when he got the call a few days later. Really, he should’ve. But the worst part wasn’t that he didn’t get the internship, it wasn’t even the fact that he got the rejection in the form of a voicemail from a call he conveniently avoided from Stevie instead of getting the news from the woman who interviewed him.
“They told me you weren’t really passionate about the job, Carm. Something about your heart not really being in it and your mind being somewhere else throughout the interview. I’ll let you know if I can find any other opportunities for you, but I think you should maybe think about what you actually want to do.”
The worst part was that they were right. His heart wasn’t in it. His heart was still on his final shift at The Bear. Weeks preparing for the interview— with insider info from Stevie on what the questions would be like and Richie giving him mock interviews— and the best he could come up with was how “even though it sucked, it was like... it was the most fun [he’d] ever had.” His exact words. About The Bear. At his interview to be an intern at an architectural firm.
But if he thought about it some more, his heart was somewhere more specific within his final shift at The Bear. More specifically with Sydney’s reaction when he got to pull one on her finally by telling her that she hadn’t gotten one star but two. A payback for when she pulled one on him outside The Bear when he opened up to her even when he barely knew her. His heart was still at that very same spot outside The Bear where they all smoked and debriefed after that long shift— where Sydney tried to smoke again and coughed in front of everybody only to try again until he took the cigarette away from her and crushed it on the ground. He was trying to quit anyway.
Except, this didn’t make any sense to Carmen. He only started feeling at peace after deciding to leave The Bear, so why couldn’t he stop thinking about it?
————
Everybody was already there for Eva's birthday party before he even stepped foot inside The Bear. He spotted Sydney talking to Nat in a corner and slowly made his way towards them before Claire showed up in front of him.
“Hey Carmy! It’s been a while!”
Carmy, still looking at Sydney, to say the least, was startled. “Hey Claire, yeah I’m good. How have you been?”
“I’ve been good… about to move soon to start my job. I just wanted to thank you for giving Fak my sweater the other day.” But Carmy was barely listening, still staring at Sydney, who had a scrunchie on that matched his shirt. Claire’s smile faltered.
“You should go talk to her. I’ve seen the way you look at each other. I’ve known for some time really, a part of me just wanted to ignore it.”
“No- no- it really is nothing like that, we really just started to become friends we could ne–”
“Carmy, it's really fine. I just wanted to thank you for getting my sweater back to me before I made the move. You should know that you’re so different around her by the way… maybe… maybe she’s the peace you’ve been looking for.”
“Clair–” Before he could even finish what he was trying to say, Claire had walked away and started to strike a conversation with Kelly.
Shaking his head decidedly ignoring whatever that was about, he finally made his way to Sydney, growing more concerned as he saw her arguing (in that very theatrical manner) with Natalie.
“I can’t just leave the restaurant, Nat!!! People depend on me. I can’t go out for a night just because my cousin and some friends want to get drunk!”
Natalie was not giving up. “Sydney you deserve a night off! We can hold down the fort for a nigh— Oh Carmy! Please tell Sydney she should go have a night out with her friends! She hasn’t done that in years. Her own admission.”
Sydney’s eyes and tone immediately softened at the sight of Carmy. “Tell her we’re too busy next Thursday, Carm. We are so booked to the point… to the point I think we–”
She doesn’t even get to finish before Carmy interrupts her with a soft “You should go.”
And she should. She looked so— exhausted. It amazes him how once he finally took a step back from the restaurant he could look around and see how the people he surrounded himself with truly were, and if he thought about it too much, he’d start blaming himself for not seeing it sooner. It probably also didn’t help on days like this when he got to see Sydney in clothes outside of her chef whites, and with her scrunchie that somehow matched his shirt perfectly, with her hair tied back, making it hard for him to look at anything but her.
“Carmy, you know I can’t.”
“You should go, I can cover for you, I can even drop and pick you up. You deserve a night out, Syd.”
“And you promise? If anything happens you’ll immediately call me? Even if one of the Faks does something very stupid and it’s an easy fix?”
His head automatically starts to nod before his mind even begins to process what she said and practically rushes out an “I promise.”
Natalie, watching this whole ordeal back and forth, decided it was the best time to break whatever bubble they just created. “Glad we got that settled! Sydney, I better not see you anywhere near The Bear. If I had known all it would take was Carmy to plead, I would’ve done this a long time ago!”
“Excuse me!” Sydney gasps, throwing her arms in the air. “Carmy had barely anything to do with this. My main focus is on The Bear.”
“And my brother’s main focus is you.”
If the custom cleaver Carmy ordered for Sydney had already arrived, he was pretty sure he could cut the tension surrounding the three of them like a stick of butter with it. But instead, Carmy and Sydney just stood there speechless while Carmy turned bright red and Natalie turned around and walked away towards Pete and Sophie laughing.
————
It’s been in the back of his mind for days. Not the rejection from that architecture internship (he’s been long past that), but the conversation he had with Claire… and Natalie a few minutes after that. It was on his mind while he worked at The Beef with Ebra, and it was still on his mind weeks later when he was making himself lunch at his apartment on his day off.
It was hilarious, really, now that he found himself making himself a simple bowl of pasta for lunch, how many habits he’d developed in the short time after Sydney had first started at the Beef. He’d gotten so used to making his food a little saltier than his preference just so that Sydney would enjoy it more, all because Sydney would always take a bite off of whatever he made.
(He still remembers the first day after Sydney quit The Beef, when he’d oversalted his lunch, purely out of habit, and then shoved the bowl of pasta into Richie’s hands as soon as he’d taken the first bite, finding even the thought of eating his lunch too depressing.)
He’d also like to have it on the record that he’s been doing a lot better recently. Truly, he has. He has stopped smoking (he’s trying!), he started to look for therapists near him (he’s somewhat narrowed it down…), and he now goes on runs every morning (maybe twice a week if he’s being honest with himself). His panic attacks have started to become minimal as of late, and if that was a sign for anything, Carmy would say he was actually doing pretty well compared to who he was a few years back.
Which makes this moment all the more confusing. The conversation with Claire keeps replaying in his head over and over again. Sydney? The way he looks at her? Sure she’s beautiful but… that’s just a scientific fact at this point, even Richie would agree. Scratch that. Richie should not agree to that… that’s gross especially now that he has Jess. Plus Sydney stabbed Richie, and there should be some law against finding people who stab you attractive. However, if Sydney stabbed Carmy, he’s sure he’d still notice her beauty. But that’s different. That’s scientific. Now that he thinks about it, he’s pretty sure if he used this scientific reasoning for the interview, he might’ve gotten that internship.
He should really call Claire back and have her explain, because him and Sydney? Strictly platonic. He should call Claire right now and explain all of this, let her know that Mikey always wanted them together, and he would never cheat on her, and Sydney is really just a friend, the friend if you may, and…
And suddenly, he doesn’t understand why his heart starts to beat faster. Why his hands begin to shake at the thought of needing to call Claire and explain this. He closes his eyes and tries to count to ten and remember anything and everything that could possibly calm him down.
Mikey. Sydney. Richie. Sydney. Nat. Sydney. Pete. Sydney. Sophie. Sydney. Donna. Sydney. Claire. Sydney.
Sydney. Sydney’s braids. Sydney’s scrunchies. Sydney’s bandanas.
Sydney.
Sydney.
Sydney.
His heartbeat starts to slow, his hands stop shaking. He finally opens his eyes, and he begins to run. He practically leaps down several steps at a time, running through the streets. Cars honk at him, but he can’t stop running or think of anything other than Sydney. Sydney’s big doe eyes. Sydney’s teeth. Sydney’s big beautiful grin any time he appreciates her cooking. The way Sydney hugged him a little tighter when she got the stars. Just Sydney.
(He’s beginning to believe that the fact that he can remember the exact moment she walked into The Beef with such clarity that he can recall every single color and shape on the bandana she was wearing that day should have probably clued him that he was falling in love with her much sooner than it actually had.)
Carmy knows he’s not the brightest but he’s also not stupid. He knows about the gossip and the theories the staff has about them. It doesn’t help that Donna occasionally texts him now to ask when he’s finally going to bring Sydney over for a family dinner. It doesn’t matter, truly. He knows now. He knows he’s in love with her— probably has been since before she even told him she knew who he was. Before she lied about going to The Beef with her dad when she was a child every Sunday, when it was common knowledge that they were closed on Sundays since Donna loved to drag them to church to act like a united family. Before he made an ass of himself in front of her by forgetting what UPS was when he was too busy being starstruck by her. If he had the time to sit and think about it instead of running to her at the moment, he’d come to the conclusion that he probably fell for her when she walked into The Beef and he felt his dark world get just a little bit brighter. A world she has been making a bit brighter every day by just existing near him.
He keeps sprinting through streets before he finally comes to a halt in front of The Bear. When he walks in, he is right in the middle of chaos with everybody running and screaming at each other. Even though it’s everybody’s day off, The Bear is still full staffed.
Nevertheless, at the sight of her, the voices in his head— the voices that have been so loud since he can remember begins to fade, and if he’s honest with himself, they’ve been fading a little ever since the day she first walked into his life, and then grow again whenever she’s away— fully vanish.
Sydney is chopping onions, ignoring whatever the Faks are up to and when she looks up, she finds Carmy just standing there watching them all with his eyes wide open while catching his breath. Their eyes meet. She watches him for a bit and then gives him that very specific smile— his favorite smile— the smile that makes his mind go blank. The same smile that makes his heart beat faster, but this time he doesn’t want his heartbeat to calm down.
They know. She’s always known him.
————
fin.