Actions

Work Header

Rating:
Archive Warning:
Categories:
Fandom:
Relationships:
Characters:
Additional Tags:
Language:
English
Stats:
Published:
2026-07-09
Updated:
2026-07-10
Words:
6,773
Chapters:
3/?
Comments:
5
Kudos:
2
Hits:
49

We'll Never Have Sex

Summary:

Sniper picks up a hitchhiker in his camper, ending up stuck with them after a storm rolls in and traps her in the base with the rest of the mercenaries. They're shivery, quiet, and most of all, alone; and he can't help but see himself in them. Meanwhile, she's slowly becoming more and more suspicious about the goings on of this strange base, digging herself into a deeper hole they might not escape alive.

 

I wrote this because I daydreamed this for five days straight and it was so strong I couldn't focus so I'm doing this to get it out of my brain, no matter how horrible it is.

Chapter 1: Hitchhiker

Notes:

First time writing TF2 fanfiction.. kinda nervous

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

The windshield of Sniper’s camper was slowly being tinted orange by the dust being kicked up outside as he drove down the dry, cracked road. With a huff, he flicked his windshield wipers on, glancing at his side mirrors to watch the sky behind him. The sky was fading from a burning orangish red to a dark purple, with clouds gathering in the distance not far behind the camper. A storm was brewing, not surprisingly since it was both tornado and dust storm season. The biggest storm of the season, the radio had said. He had left the base to deal with a job he had been given and was now trying to return to the barracks as fast as possible before the incoming weather caught up with him. The camper shook, and the pots stored in his cabinets rattled as he drove faster than the vehicle was used to. He hadn’t put much care into tying down his stuff this time either. Not that the mess would matter; he would most likely be spending the night in a spare room at base anyway to avoid being picked up in the tornado.

As Sniper continued driving, he began to notice a silhouette in the distance on the side of the road. He squinted, pushing his sunglasses farther up his nose as he studied the upcoming sight. Sitting on a suitcase, with a guitar case slung over her shoulder, was a woman with her thumb held out. She looked like she had been out there for a while, evidenced by her hair frizzed by the heat and her baggy jeans covered in a fine coat of the orange dust that was blowing around every which way. The woman kept her head tucked down, trying to shield her face from the winds. Sniper studied her in silence as he subconsciously began slowing down the camper. He could feel his manners getting the best of him, eventually rolling to a stop next to her as he pulled off to the side of the road. With the camper now shielding her from the majority of the wind, the woman perked her head up, blinking in surprise that somebody had actually stopped. Sniper rolled down his window and leaned forward to look at her.

“G’day, miss. You aw’right?” He asked, “There’s a storm comin’ in, ya know, you shouldn’t be out here.”

The woman slowly lowered her hand, her eyes flitting around his face as she visibly sized him up. After a while, she responded:

“I’m fine. I’m just trying to get to the nearest city,” She replied, her voice sounding raspy presumably from dehydration, “You wouldn’t happen to know where the nearest town over is, would you?”

Sniper whistled, shaking his head.

“’fraid you’re pretty far out, missy. The nearest town is eight hours away. There isn’t anything but dirt and militias out here.”

The woman’s shoulders visibly drooped, a hand coming up to comb through her hair in some sort of anxious tic. Sniper tilted his head at her slightly, feeling a slight tinge of pity.

“Ah.. Okay,” She whispered to herself, glancing around aimlessly before her gaze settled back on him, “Um. Listen, I don’t have any money to give you but if you could give me a ride, I’m sure I could find a way to pay you back.”

The woman hugged herself a little closer. Sniper’s neck crawled uncomfortably. His gut burned as he clenched his stirring wheel a little tighter and gave her an egregious look.

“You better not be implyin’ what I think you’re implyin’, because I am not going to accept it,” He stated firmly, “I’ll give you a ride and you won’t owe me anythin’, aw’right? I don’t want to be responsible for a young woman dying on the side of the road.”

She seemed surprised at his willingness to help her, a feeling he frankly shared. Sniper wasn’t one for keeping company but being a professional meant treating people with politeness. And it was far from polite to leave someone alone on the side of the road with a storm closing in, and it was even more unpolite to expect them to pay you back. Besides, it was only for eight hours. He could spare some of his social battery to help her. After sizing him up for what felt like the fifteenth time, the girl nodded and hefted her suitcase up, carrying it over her shoulder. From her position now carrying it, Sniper could see that it was missing both wheels and was now akin to an oversized, blocky briefcase. He huffed and leaned over, unlocking the passenger side door for her. The woman climbed in next to him, pulling her suitcase and her guitar into her lap.

“You can just toss it in the back.” He muttered, nodding his head in that general direction.
The woman obliged, shoving them behind the seats of the camper before buckling her seat belt. Sniper eyed her to make sure she was ready before pulling back onto the road and continuing his drive towards the base. The two sat mostly in silence, the awkwardness being subdued by the cassette deck playing over the car stereo. As he continued to drive, his mind began to swim with plans on what to do next as the storm drew even closer. It almost seemed to be purposefully chasing them, visibly increasing speed in its approach. After a while, he broke the silence.

“We might not make it to the next town, storm’ll get here first.” He mentioned bluntly.

He felt her tense next to him.

“Not to worry, I live on a militia base. You can stay for the night. Others won’t mind as long as our head lady doesn’t find out.” Sniper went on, trying his best to be somewhat reassuring.

This didn’t seem to comfort his new passenger as she hugged herself tighter and instead just gave him a simple nod. He wasn’t exactly happy about the extra company either but didn’t feel like they had much of a choice. It was either they tried to make it to the next town and inevitably get caught up in the tornado and die, or one uncomfortable night at base that never gets spoken about again. He was obviously much fonder of the latter. Sniper decided that maybe the best course of action was to not say anything farther out of concern of spooking her any more than she already was, only for her to be the one to break the silence this time.

“You have an accent. You’re Australian?” She asked.

Surprised by the sudden change in conversation but not opposed to something less awkward, Sniper gave her a nod.

“Born and raised, yeah,” He replied, “You’ve got a bit of an accent too, don’t ya? What about you?”

“I’m from the Netherlands.” She mumbled, fidgeting with a strand of her hair between two of her fingertips.

Sniper raised his brows, clicking on his blinker as he made a turn down the road.

“Dutch, aye? We don’t see a lotta you,” He hummed, “That’s a long way from home.”

“So are you. Did you move here because of your job?” She was visibly watching him from the corner of her eye.

When your job relies on mainly people watching, you get good at noticing the little things people do. Of course, the lack of actual socialization leads to a gap in understanding why people do the things they do, but regardless the patterns make themselves known. In this instance, Sniper noticed that his new passenger was cautious. She seemed to be constantly studying him, almost never breaking her line of sight. It felt weird to be the one being observed for once.

“I did,” He admitted after a pause, “Job pays good. Parents hate it, but what can ya do?”

He gave a loose shrug, checking the rearview mirrors again. The sky was beginning to darken. Her eyes flickered about his face again, unreadable. She gave him a sharp and quick nod.

“My parents were that way too.”

Sniper raised a brow at her, sparing her a glance. She didn’t say anything further, and so he didn’t ask, instead reaching for the stereo and turning the music up. The rest of the car ride passed in silence between the two of them, with Sniper trying to ignore her eyes boring into him. He didn’t mind much, preferring silence anyway. It was a nice break compared to the base, speaking of which was rapidly approaching. He slowed down the camper, pulling around to the side where a makeshift garage sat mainly used to store Spy’s fancy car and Engineer’s spare tools. He stopped on the driveway, honking his horn to try and alert whoever was in the garage at the time to open the door. After waiting a couple of minutes, the door rumbled open and he pulled through. Upon parking his camper in a cramped area, mainly inhabited by tools and spare metal, the Engineer rounded the vehicle and looked up at him through the driver's side window.

“Hey there, Sniper,” His eyes flitted to the lady in his passenger seat before returning to his, “I see you brought a friend this time.”

Sniper huffed and stepped out of the camper.

“Not a friend, she just needs somewhere safe to sleep for the night. That’s all, she’ll be gone by morning.” He explained, fixing his hat as he leaned against the door of the camper.
The girl hopped out of the passenger seat, glancing around the makeshift workshop of the garage before her eyes settled back on the two men in front of her. She kept her distance, keeping the hood of the car between her and them. The sniper didn’t blame her.

“Nice to meet ya, miss,” Engie grinned at her, taking off his goggles and resting them on his head, “We’re pleased to have you.”

“Not all of us.” Sniper muttered under his breath.

Regardless of her reprehension, she gave him a brief nod back. Engineer grinned a little wider and whispered into Sniper’s ear.

“I see why you helped her. Just as quiet as you, ain’t she?” He joked.

Sniper didn’t react to this, instead just turning to look at his passenger again. He tapped his fingers on his arm before sighing and walking over to her.

“Aw’right, you got two options. Either you sleep out here in my camper or you take our spare room,” He explained, “Sleepin’ out here could be dangerous and get a little hot, but you’d be away from everyone, or you could sleep inside where it’s safer but just warnin’ ya, there’s eight other men on base. They ain’t bad, they’re just loud and can be a lil dumb.”

She hummed under her breath, finally breaking eye contact for once to look down at her boots. She shuffled her feet for a moment before looking back at him.

“Can I see what it’s like inside first?” She asked carefully.

Sniper paused, thinking it over for a moment. It would be easier to keep her a secret as much as possible so Pauling and the Administrator didn't find out there’s a civilian on base. However, then again, keeping things quiet was something he was decent at.

“Sure can. Just try not to wander or drawl too much attention, I don’t want us gettin’ in trouble.” He said as he began walking towards the entrance to the base.

He heard her trail behind him, her footsteps quickly speeding up to catch up with him. She settled into walking just barely behind him, something that admittedly freaked him out a bit. Having someone behind you on the battlefield was almost always a death sentence for him, and her odd mannerisms were making his nerves shot. It gave him flashbacks to a Spy sneaking up on him many times before, only for these thoughts to apparently manifest him as he appeared in front of the two of them only a little way down the main hallway. Sniper jerked backwards on instinct, nearly bumping into the hitchhiker behind him, who very quickly copied his movements and got out of the way.

“Fucking hell... What do you want, ya dirty spy?” He grumbled.

Spy barely paid Sniper any mind, instead looking over him to study the woman trailing him.

“I was not aware you had an interest in romantic partnerships.” Spy noted, his tone only slightly teasing.

Sniper rolled his eyes.

“I don’t. She’s just here for the night.” He muttered.

“Ah, a one-night stand. Classy.” Spy shot back, his tone laced with sarcasm.

She bristled at that, her hand coming up to mess with her hair again as she took a small step back. Spy raised a brow at her reaction, stepping back from his face off with Sniper.

“Hm. Apologies, miss,” He gave her a nod, “That was directed at my romantically challenged friend here, not you.” Sniper gave him another glare.

“It’s fine.” She mumbled back.

Sniper sighed, turning to look at her.

“See? I told you, they’re just obnoxious and dumb.” He said with a third glare in Spy’s direction.

“Maybe the rest of our team, but me?” Spy scoffed, crossing his arms and cocking his head back.
The girl moved forward, studying the rest of the hallway and leaving the two to continue their argument in peace. Once she was a little ways away, Spy asked;

“So, what is this fine lady’s name?”

“Oh uh.. I dunno.” Sniper replied, rubbing at the back of his neck.

Spy slowly turned to look at Sniper.

“You brought a random woman on base, and you don’t even know her name?” He repeated, “Am I hearing that right?”

Sniper glared down at the floor, crossing his arms and shrugging.

“I didn’t think to ask. She just needs a place to stay for one night, it’s not that important.”

Spy contiuned staring at him in silence, almost impressed by the lack of social tact Sniper possessed.

“Mon dieu, aide-nous, tu es désespéré..” He sighed, pinching his nose bridge, “You are the most tactless man I have ever met.”

“I can’t be worse than Scout.”

“Mon amie, you are.”

Notes:

Thanks for reading <3