Work Text:
It is quiet in the changing room when Rui enters.
The little drops of the ongoing rain drip off of his coat, and he flicks the light switch without a thought. A few steps towards the bench. What he is thinking of is improving a few drones he designed for lighting, and a few algorithmic improvements regarding the pathing of the automatic recorders they have for the shows they put on, and frustration. Frustration that is bubbling over in waves in everything he does. Incompetence is unacceptable, even more so when it matters this much. Since when am I so-
But, but, Rui is here to not think about that, he is here to drown himself in familiar rhythm of creating. His feelings are a mess he is ready to forget within the metal - alongside a gratefulness for his bag being waterproof, thanks to the weather. It's not that bad, it is a light sprinkle with cloudy melancholy, but it is annoying to walk through without an umbrella, no? Happens.
What doesn't happen, or so Rui thought, was seeing the now visible silhouette of Tenma Tsukasa, The World Future Star™, jumping in fear with a loud scream with the sudden flash of the lights. His sudden appearance- or, unknown appearance and sudden reveal scares Rui in the process too, but only lightly. Huh, he is here too?
Wait. Tsukasa?? Why is he in the changing rooms with the lights out?
"Well." Well, it is. "Hi, Tsukasa-kun. What are you-" Rui starts, mood a bit better thanks to the unexpected company, drops his bag to the bench (which rattles like a cutlery box thanks to the dismantled metal inside), then turns properly to grace himself with a Tsukasa sighting. The frustration can wait, it is nobody's fault but my own. It will be good for my worries to see him well-
Whatever hope he had for the star's well being is squashed into dust when he properly notices the state Tsukasa is in - Who, suddenly remembering he is noticed and alive, squeaks out: "Hi, Rui?? What?? Are you doing here??" Machinery action to forget the hell you put yourself through. Tsukasa looks like a deer in highlights, then comes back to himself, dusts off his clothing and ruffles his hair. He seems wrecked. There is just, no better explanation. Rui doesn't have proper words to convey what he is feeling right now. "I.." The director attempts, but- the redness in the corners of Tsukasa's eyes destroys whatever he was trying to say.
Oh.
"Were you-" The realization. Oh, the realization hits like a bullet. "Were you crying?" "Nope." Tsukasa grins. It seems pained. "Why would I." Constipated, even. Rui feels nauseous at the sight.
They stare at each other for a good 10 seconds. Rui doesn't know what to do. What can I even do, when-
"Uh, so, lovely talk!" A clap of his hands, Tsukasa leaps off from the bench and away from Rui - who is still frozen. "Take breaks, don't overexert yourself, I have to! Go! Bye, Rui!" He mildly rushes out the door. "Wait-" Rui attempts, but Tsukasa discards all pretense of normalcy and runs out.
Rui stares at his back, and the door shuts in his face.
Oh. Tsukasa ran out.
Oh, shit. Again, I am too late to actually-
Not yet. Rui runs after him. What else is he supposed to do?
The weather, of course, did not get any better in the 1 minute and 12 seconds he spent inside. It seems even more overbearing, and annoying, considering that Tsukasa is running around within this weather in the state he is in- there he is, in the distance, a blur. Suddenly, Rui feels glad for the times he had to run from various authority figures. And. And feels like someone shocked him to the core.
He cannot just let Tsukasa escape and patch things up when they see each other again, not like the last time they discussed what happened. He can already imagine how it will play out. "Oh, Rui, GOOD MORNING! Oh, yesterday? That was a fluke. I am fine now. I was fine then too. This is fine." A smile, and dodging any attempt at a well-being check, he will-
Rui decides he is better off trying to salvage this situation then beat himself up over the past.
The chase takes a few minutes. Tsukasa is a pretty active guy, and his escapades with Rui in the school definitely helped his athletic abilities, but he doesn't know the prime routes like Rui does. It is easy to read which path he will take. Left, towards the street lights, for instance. There is no time for climbing the fence.
Left, up ahead, and down a hill. This unexpected activity is draining. But, the gap closes further.
When Rui catches up properly, he tries to talk first. Well, scream. "Tsukasa-kun! Stop! Let's-" Of course, it fails spectacularly. "NOPE!! I HAVE URGENT MATTERS!!" He laughs his signature laugh, although, still panting loudly like Rui. They are both exhausted.
The peaceful option doesn't work out, so Rui is forced to become creative.
Cut him off? No, too risky. Talking? Already didn't work. ..Wait a second. Tackle. This is a bad idea. But it is the only viable one Rui has.
So, he takes a brief second to thank Emu for this knowledge, and then executes this lovely action of 'tackling' for the first time.
Tsukasa doesn't even know what hits him, when it hits him.
A blur of colors and limbs, both of them hit the ground like a sack of potatoes. Rui turns to the left to take the brunt of the fall, and his shoulder survives without major injury thanks to the grass. Tsukasa stays still for a few seconds, makes Rui worried about his well-being, his flabbergasted expression both a relief and insanely funny to see - then, finally comes back to his senses and tries to wiggle out of Rui's grasp.
"Come on Rui- Just- Let me go-" Rui grabs on even tighter. I am not risking it. That was draining enough. "No. No, I cannot- Not when you are like this-" It is not often Rui becomes desperate like this. He was crying. He was- His head spins. "Like what?? I'm fine! It's just- The remnants of the role, you know this! I need to ride it out. I will be fine then." Tsukasa begs. Tries to shake off Rui, but fails, and feels the need to whine out his suffering: "Since when are you this strong??" His surprise adds in a little humour to this impossible situation, and Rui almost smiles to himself. (That's the power of determination and having to relocate the robots you make for years, right there. Pure, organic, not-sponsored-by-vegetables power. Tsukasa might be a nearly grown man who works out daily, but Rui is one too, you know? Perks of being a member of the troupe.)
When the rain continues hitting his back, Rui sobers up. The mud seeps into his knees. And, after a few seconds, Tsukasa gives up on escape. He looks tired. Both of them are facing each other, sitting on the grass, with Rui holding Tsukasa's wrists, ready for another attempt for escape. It never comes.
"Okay, now what? Sure, you have me locked up, now what, Rui?" Tsukasa seems quite annoyed. "We already talked about this. With both Nene and Emu too. Everything turned out fine, didn't it?" No. No it didn't. "You're not fine." He states the should-have-been obvious. How did I not- "I will be eventually." Does it make it any better? "You shouldn't have ended up like this in the first place-" Rui is quick to refocus on the issue, but. "Does it matter?" Is it not supposed to? How is he this dismissive?
Tsukasa whispers an encouragement when he doesn't answer. "Rui, come on." He inhales. "Tell me." And so, Rui starts, "Of course it does. I was so torn up on-" but he cuts himself off. "On what?" Tsukasa stands up a bit straighter. Always so impervious to his own troubles, but focuses up immediately when it is anyone else. This guy.
It's quiet. Tsukasa doesn't talk again, gives him some time to gather his thoughts - he is sweet and considerate like that.
Something within Rui's heart boils. It has been poisoning his system from the start of this nightmare, and yet, he cannot stop himself from admitting his shortcomings and frustration in a garbled up mess. "You ended up using your own wounds as a makeshift understanding. That's.." "Method acting?" Tsukasa is quick to answer. "Self-destruction." And is quick to get stunned. "But, Sakaki-san said-" And Rui is quick to cut him off at the mention of that. "What he said is- He is-" He frowns to himself. "He is not concerned about your well-being at all. I warned him about you pushing yourself too hard multiple times, but he-" Now it's the weirdo number one's turn. "Wait, wait wait- Warn??" Whoops. Tsukasa was not supposed to know that. Rui doesn't know why he wasn't supposed to, but seems embarrassing now. "I expected him to know better, since he has more experience as a senior, but-" He shrugs off the direction this conversation is heading. "This is another topic entirely. We can discuss this anytime you want, but for now-" Rui cannot help himself. His hands move from Tsukasa's wrists to his hands without his permission. "You are not finding common ground with the character, you are making the common ground via destroying yourself." Rui glances up at the star, so unnaturally still. "You are not doing well, are you?" Tsukasa opens his mouth, but whatever words he is trying to say doesn't come out. The silence is an answer in itself, is it not? How bad is he that he isn't even trying to deny it properly?
It's.
It's not an easy pill to swallow for Rui.
"I'm sorry." Tsukasa's expression becomes confused, but serious. "For what?? Rui, you have nothing to apologise for." He grasps onto Rui's hands a little in return - his traitorous heart does a flip at that, always mixed up with contradicting emotions. Rui continues on. "For failing to step in when I knew I should have. Our friendship has always been intertwined with our professional relationship, and so, I was conflicted the entire time. In the end, I failed you as your director." Tsukasa attempts to intercept, but- "And, worst of all, I failed you as your friend."
This is foreign territory. We don't talk about emotions normally. Shows. Chaos. Sharing lunches, discussing plays, and calls that last for hours after a day spent entirely with each other. Weirdo 1 and 2. Not-
"You are dealing with everything alone."
Not emotional vulnerability.
And yet.
"Sometimes." The start of a choked out confession reverberates in the air. "Sometimes I forget that you are not invincible. You're- You're so wonderful, and so strong that I cannot fathom anything bad happening to you. Why would it? Why-" There is nothing funny about the laugh that barely escapes Rui's throat. The humourless smile hurts his cheeks. "How can there be even a speck of darkness in someone that is light itself? Who would even dare to hurt someone so-?" You do it to yourself. That is the worst of it all. Allows the pain in from everywhere, like it is nothing.
It is insane to think of now. The real world is unforgiving, isn't it? I know it all too well. Why would I even- Maybe, because it hurts to think that people you care about can be hurt too. Or, maybe because Tsukasa seems untouchable sometimes, as if a god himself - righteous, determined, kind. The kind that makes people turn, that worms his way into people's hearts, makes them wonder: 'Is it even possible to be this good?' But, it must be lonely to not allow humanity to yourself. Rui has seen every single emotion from him, even wounded- and that was only to dig deeper to act it out as if someone else, wasn't it? Does it become more stomach-able that way? This is not healthy, never could have been- I should have stepped in much, much sooner.
But. Hesitation. A single barrier stands between their friendship.
We don't talk about this. We never talked about this. Not things this serious - not this personal. This is not my place to say, is it? Should it be?
And yet.
What good does it do when Rui keeps himself in check? What is he going to do, not cling to the only place he has belonged to until now? Even if it is not, even if Rui is overstepping, even if-
When will this barrier be broken? It cannot be too late yet.
A deep breath in - Rui makes his decision.
"You conceal everything with a smile, but I want you to be able to peel off the curtains and show me every side of you. Every single one of them. Even the ones you hide from yourself."
And.
"I want to make you shine brighter, but I want to make you comfortable with the darkness too." The alchemist's heart bursts at the seams - any made-up inhibition evaporates. "I don't want you to be light itself, the star, the role- I want you to be Tenma Tsukasa in his entirety. All of him. I want to crawl into the space that seems invisible to outside, and help you carry your burdens, and share your happiness. Everything. It's too- selfish of me, it is-" The raw emotions splatter into existence, so real, vomited out in a fogged up breath. He is astonished at his own audacity - and yet, without a stutter, Rui seals his fate, and admits to both Tsukasa and himself for the first time: "But I want it." The wonky confession finds home in the king's own heart. "Most of all, I don't want you to be alone in this. Not even this only- Never. Not when I'm here."
An exhale. Rui slumps into himself.
"Maybe I'm not the one to be able to, allowed to, maybe not my place, but-" This time, his smile softens into a fond reminisce - real. "I heard that sometimes, offering a hand even in the face of rejection is worth it." Just like you did for me. Rui still cannot bring himself to face Tsukasa - the mock-up bravery can only stick so far. But this? This is a good step to take. "I hope you can allow the same kindness you give others freely, to yourself." His eyes are stuck on their intertwined hands. Within his grasp, Tsukasa's fingers shake - but Rui is quick to lightly squeeze them into his own - to signal: It will be okay. Rui is surprisingly calmer than he expected to be. He knows, instinctively, that Tsukasa is kind - and so, this will not be the end to their companionship.
And so, he awaits his final verdict.
A few moments pass, where both of them exist without a word.
There is only breathing, and the rain dripping onto them. His hands are so warm.
They finally squeeze back so very softly, returning the gesture, and Rui's minor terror eases up a little.
Little street lights illuminate their form. The breeze shakes the leaves of the trees side to side, the gentle embrace kisses both of their cheeks. It smells like dirt.
"Is-" Rui's head whips and locks onto Tsukasa's face immediately. He doesn't look back, the blonde's own gaze is stuck on their hands too, but- "Is it even okay for me to burden you with-" Now this, this just pisses him off, and so he is quick to interject and cut Tsukasa off immediately- "Burden?" "Yeah." The immediate answer makes Rui freeze. "Burden." A laugh - it's bitter. Tsukasa finally looks up, and. Oh. And his eyes are misty. He seems as if this is the end of the world, and he is accepting his fate.
"I don't- I don't like feeling like this." He laughs at himself, aware of the irony. "I know, not liking feeling negative feelings is the point of them, I know, but- I can just forget they even existed, you know? Drown it all out. It's easier to not deal with them. Or admit that I don't know how to." A small tear finally escapes his eyes, and one of his hands automatically go to wipe at it, and continue on as if it never was there. Plasters on a plastic smile, but makes a genuine offer, "We- We can just forget this ever happened-" Rui is quick to shut it down. "No." "Why?" Tsukasa's words become sharper, as if asking for a fight. But his eyes give him away - or, maybe Rui learned how to read them sometime along the way. "That's not sustainable. You are destroying yourself-" "So? I will get over it eventually. I always do." He cringes, as if he mixed up his lines, and continues on, "Not- That just makes it seem like I am always miserable. I'm not. I actually have never been this happy. This is nothing." His breathing quickens. He is panicking now. "Genuinely. Nothing bad happened to me, anyways. This is an overreaction. I have a loving family, and I have amazing friends. Toya has never been this free, he is thriving, and Saki is actually able to live her life now, with her friends- I have been learning so much about acting, and I have grown so much. My life has- has never been better." Tsukasa giggles to himself, a quiet, choked out thing, but curls a bit into himself - amongst the chaos, his other hand still lies limply in-between Rui's grasp - not holding on, but not letting go. "I had to purposefully distance myself from everyone to actually make myself feel as if I'm back to-" He chokes. It seems Tsukasa has made a decision of his own. "As if I'm back to being all by myself. That's how good I have it now."
They are both soaked in water and mud.
"Seriously. I should be okay on my own." His smile is genuine now, but there is no eye contact- as if he is scared of Rui's answer. "I have had much, much worse. And, even that is not even a little scrap of what others go through every day. This is nothing. I should not even be affected this much, because seeing all those smiles, in the end- it was worth it. I would do it again and again." The unspoken echoes silently: Anything for the smiles. You know it all too well, because you feel the same as me. Rui does. Or, did. Not if it costs yours.
He might have took this as a polite rejection, if he was at a point in his life where he didn't know Tenma Tsukasa. And oh, what a revelation this is. Along the way, as he wormed his way into Rui's heart, Rui must have done the same to him. His right hand is still in my grasp. Tsukasa is a person who does not give away even the slightest hint of vulnerability, after all - and so, it is not surprising to realize that this entire dialogue is a plead for Rui to affirm Tsukasa's self-destruction. 'This is nothing. This is nothing. I should not be as affected by this, because there is nothing to be affected by. You must agree with me, right? This is selfish.' Too bad. The only selfish person here is Rui. And, he will continue to be selfish, and take and take all he is offered. Because it is Tsukasa.
"Tsukasa-kun." The world stops spinning, holding it's breath - as if it didn't even start yet. Rui moves the singular hand, and holds it properly with his left. Interlocks their fingers - greedy. "Thank you." A laugh escapes Tsukasa's lips, confused and a little bit self-depracating, "For what?" Rui doesn't hesitate this time. "For trusting me with yourself." This is what makes Tsukasa freeze entirely. And, with a muttered "Oh. You-" he finally bursts out in laughful tears.
Rui is there to hold him this time.