Work Text:
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Somewhere in the American Midwest
“Well. That could have gone smoother.”
The man behind the wheel of the SUV, adorned in black armor, covered in blue blood, muttered as he drove down some utterly forgettable highway in the center of the American midwest. He wasn’t entirely sure exactly what state he was actually in.
His passenger, a Quarian, covered in a marginally smaller amount of blood, was perturbed.
“Shepard, why didn’t you check how much ammunition we brought before we left the Normandy?” She asked.
“I don't have an answer for that. I must have just forgotten.” Tali shot him a glare that could cut glass. “In my defense! I’m a little hung over. Garrus and I got fucking plastered last night. Honestly I’m amazed I remembered to put my pants on this morning.”
“Keelah! That doesn’t help!”
“Hey, we took down a fuckin’ Thresher maw. On foot. That warrants breaking out the private reserve.”
“You just beat fifty Turian terrorists to death with a crowbar, and THAT is where your mind goes?” She glanced back to the blood stained crowbar in the backseat.
“What can I say, I’m a regular Gordon Freeman.”
“Who?” She exclaimed.
“Nothing. I’ll tell you later.”
“Ancestors, Shepard! We still have one more cell to clear out, and the Normandy has to maintain radio silence! Where are we supposed to get more ammunition? And no, we are NOT using the crowbar again.”
“Agreed. That was less than ideal.” Shepard pondered for a moment, then glanced at a passing road sign.
“I think I got it. Let's take a quick detour.” He said, turning the SUV towards the next exit.
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“Shepard, what is this place?” The perplexed Quarian asked as she stared at the large, blue building.
“This, my beloved, is a Walmart.”
“Okaaaaay… What is a Wal’mart?”
“It’s heaven, Tali.” He said as he led the woman inside the building.
Before Tali stood what could only be described as a grand temple to everything she was taught to hate. There were aisles of food, enough to easily feed an entire cruiser for a month, just standing there.
“What… There's just so…keelah! This is so wasteful!” She proclaimed.
“Yeah you’d think. But the fact that the fuckin’ spam is locked behind an inch of plexiglass says otherwise.”
“What?” She asked
“Nothing. Come on, we need to find the sporting goods section.”
The pair walked through the store, catching more than a few off looks from some of the shoppers, what with the combat armor and blood stains. Shepard could clearly see a few people making 911 calls as he passed.
Making it to the counter of the sporting goods area, Tali was awestruck at the number and variety of firearms on display. That, and the look of fear plastered on the face of the attendant behind said counter.
“Hey.” Shepard addressed the man, removing his helmet.
The employee’s expression changed from fear to shock.
“Ho…holy shit! Commander Shepard!” He exclaimed.
“Yeah yeah. It’s me. Could you please pass me six MR-88 magazines and as much 5.56 as you’re allowed to sell me? Oh, and 2 boxes of double aught buck for the lady.”
“S..s..sure! Of course!” The attendant began stacking small paper boxes of munitions on the counter, alongside the requested magazines.
“They sell guns and munitions here?” Tali asked.
“It’s a Walmart. They sell everything here.”
“Your total is 401 dollars and 68 cents.” The attendant said.
Shepard pulled his wallet out of one of his pouches, withdrew his card and tapped it on the reader.”
“Shepard?” Tali asked. “How long have you been taking your wallet on missions?”
“Since I became a SPECTRE.” He replied. “You’d be shocked how many mercenaries accept a Mastercard when taking bribes.”
“Good to know…” she sighed.
“Hey” Shepard asked the attendant “Could I get a discount if I make an endorsement?”\
“Sure. How does 50 dollars off sound?”
“Works for me.” The man pushed the microphone towards Shepard.
“I’m Commander Shepard, and this is my Favorite Walmart in America!” He proclaimed into the recording device.
With the discounted sum paid and the ammunition bagged, the pair made their way back to the exit.”
“Sellout.” Tali muttered.
“Yeah, well, I’m you’re Sellout, aren’t I.” He put his arm around her and pulled her close.
She giggled softly. “I suppose you are.”
“Let's pick up the pace. We have some time to make up and some magazines to load.
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The Turians scattered to cover as the door to their safehouse was kicked in, revealing the form of Commander Shepard, coated in dried blue blood, no doubt from their other safehouse that had gone dark mere hours ago.
The man raised his rifle and pulled the trigger.
Nothing happened, much to the confusion and disappointment of the commander.
The Turians responded by opening fire.
The commander and his Quarian squadmate quickly dove to cover as the Alien woman fired off a blast from her shotgun, ripping one of the unshielded Turian terrorists in half at the waist.
“God damnit! I left my ammo in the car!” He yelled.
“YOU WHAT?” The Quarian shrieked. “How have you lived this long?”
“Idonfuckin’kno, luck and spite?” He replied.
“Well now what are we supposed to do? I don't have enough shells for all of these bosh’tets!”
Shepard glanced over to a nearby toolcrate, and leaning beside it was a familiar carpentry tool.
“Shepard… no…”
The grin plastered on her lover’s face was a mile wide. He quickly grabbed the tool and rushed into the oncoming fire.
As the screams and blood of the Turians flew towards her in seemingly equal quantities, Tali had only one, Perplexing thought.
Only in America.
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LEXICON
MR-88
The civilian version of the M8 platform rifle. Popular for home defense and occasionally game hunting.