Chapter Text
This is where it ends, right? You thought as you laid exhausted on the same bed you'd slept in, day in and day out. Countless resets, countless nights. Never getting far enough to escape this hellish void you were trapped in. Your own personal hell. Your hands clinging at the sheets below you, grasping for something real, but nothing you ever did felt as far away from reality as this. A story for the stars… maybe Saeyoung would think this whole situation was comical, had he been real too… He is real, you hopeless fool. You're just weak. You weren’t even sure if you were real either. Knew it.
You looked around the room, gazing at the camera that was positioned in the corner, hoping someone was looking back. You knew in theory he was but every time you tried to push, it only ended in a one sided rejection. Ever since you had first stepped foot in this apartment, its walls started to close in on you. Now more so than ever. The loneliness traipsing around the very essence of you, you clung onto any hope that the suffocation would cease.
The hazy feeling that overcame you as you opened the somewhat heavy door, the apartment hadn’t been occupied in what seemed like a lifetime, that you could tell. There was a stillness that clung to your body as you slowly walked inside, passing a threshold that was laid with uncertainty, and now what seemed like a nightmare.
You sighed. Reality was just as dreadful. “There’s no escape, is there?” You said aloud wondering if he could actually hear your pitiful calls for help. Not that you ever expected him to, who were you kidding, you were alone. Always alone. Being lost in your own thoughts - never a good idea. But then, at that point, when has anything ever been a good idea, did anything you ever do make sense? Was it leading to some sort of explanation? Probably not.
Perhaps a momentary lapse of judgment would soothe your aching mind. How does it feel to lose everyone you love? You groaned at the bitter voice running rampage in your head. Twisting your body so your face was buried face down on the somewhat chilly sheets, you felt your minds ache slowly fade, but there was a dull pain still lingering about.
After eventually catching on, you had realized something. You were alone. Nothing you did, nothing you said, everything was all for nothing. It was a slow realization, and that made it hurt all the more, knowing it took you this long to figure out. You didn’t actually have anyone to love. A figment of your imagination perhaps?
You didn’t know how silent the world around you felt, till you actually understood it. The silence was so deafening you couldn’t breathe at the thought of how long you had been trapped. How many years have you been a part of this mind-numbing void of seclusion? It wasn’t long till you figured out what was going on, that you had been living a lie this entire time. Going mad, I see? And you think I'm delusional.
You lost track after deciding that you wanted to end everything. That day was today. How pathetic, you don't even wanna try. There was that nagging voice again. You didn’t care, maybe it was right. Coaxing you into doing what you should have done from the start, although, maybe you didn’t truly believe that nothing was wrong, that you were meant to be here… Wherever here was.
Something had changed, but you couldn’t quite place if it was your mind faltering within the confines of your white walled prison or you had some semblance of control. For as long as you could remember you were all but alone in a blinding void filled with nothing but silence. There was no escape, the front door that one would imagine would cease your nightmare from existing was a falsified weapon to drown you deeper and deeper, unable to return.
However, the shackles of confinement had all but broken. You had gained the upper hand. Or so you thought.
It was day one, everything was back to how it should be. Should be? No, not quite. Try harder. Think harder. You know that’s a lie. No one was in love with you, no one was in danger and no one, not one single person in the goddamn RFA knew a thing. Or do they? It was almost like you were reliving someone else’s sick memories. You didn’t ask for this, you didn’t need this. That was the torture that you were forced to endure. You got the privilege of watching everyone you cared about spin through a cycle of love and heartbreak. Was this your own personal hell? Was any of it real? Of course it wasn’t. Or so you believed.
It never made sense why the moment you were on the brink of happiness the walls collapsed instantaneously, leaving a bitter taste and a hole in your chest where your heart should be.
It didn’t occur to you that this small disturbance was the key to the missing puzzle piece, but there it hung achingly in the back of your mind. There was weight to your eyelids the second you had awoken, that was when you noticed the air about the apartment had shifted. That was when you felt you had regained a part of you that you were unaware was missing.
You threw yourself back down on the bed after having spent your time standing in the shower, the water cascading down your back, the heat melting the pain that ached your exhausted form. Mind spinning into a chaos of loneliness once again. Your eyes fluttered shut for a brief moment hoping something, anything would happen. You opened them glaring up at the stark white ceiling, although the room was dark you knew every last detail about this prison cell you had been locked up in. You were still alone. Pity.
“How many times has it been now?” You laughed to yourself, a bit of craziness washing over the words as they came out. “How many more do I have to endure?” You were tired. Not just physically, but emotionally. It started to take a toll on your mind when you finally figured out what was happening, that there was no happy ending. That everything was over before it started.
That was the breaking point. That was the first time you decided, life, or whatever you wanted to call this sick game, wasn’t worth it. There were times when all you wanted to do was fade into nothing. You didn’t want to exist anymore. But you never had a choice, not really.
Remember how you wanted to end it all? That choice you thought you might have had. Control maybe? That was stolen from you the second you tried to change fate? How did that go for you? Did you realize that nothing is ever as it seems? Miserable isn’t it?
And so it was. You remember how angry you felt after you had finally caught notice of what was going on, and maybe, just maybe did you think this was some sort of escape, that you’d truly be free. That was a sick lie and you were foolish to believe it would work. A sharp knife, an unsteady hand, your body lurching forward, knees clashing against the wooden floor before you. Blood seeping from your stomach as you slowly twisted it. Further. Deeper. You cried out as you felt your mind go hazy, your eyes unfocused. It would be a lie if you said you weren’t scared, because a part of you wished you could live in this moment a second longer, but you also knew that this was going to be the release you finally deserved.
Told you.
You awoke minutes later, not a single scratch. The knife, unstained. They made you like this, they're playing with your fears. Tears clawing their way through the threshold. Realizing what had happened, your body jolted forward towards the bed, your eyes glaring up at the tiny camera that was still collecting dust in the corner. Did he see, does he know? You’re delusional. Right… none of this was real, everything that happened, everything you tried to do, it wasn’t real… and no matter how many times you repeat yourself, you wished for once in your life, something, someone, anyone would tell you it was going to be okay. But we all know that was never going to happen.
You were starting to lose it. Your patience, your energy. All of it. Trying to kill yourself didn’t work, you had hoped it would. You had a feeling he didn’t know in the end. But what could he have done at that point? You would have bled out before he got there. Maybe that’s what you wanted in the end? Is it?
Suddenly your phone rang dragging you from your thoughts. You knew exactly who, it wasn’t the first time or the 10th. This exhausting loop never ended. You had no idea how many times you got this call. You knew every word. But, today was different. You were finally over it. It was time to take matters into your own hands, because at the end of the day, what did it really matter? It was just a game, wasn’t it? Don't get too cocky now.
You picked up the phone and pressed accept. “What?” You groaned. This is going to be fun.
Silence. Remember what I said? Odd, you thought. You were expecting his voice, you knew which words he would say the moment the phone call started, but there was nothing. Did something change? There was that feeling again. That weight in your chest threatening to pull you towards the center of the earth. Your desperation for hope is cute.
“This is bullshit.” You said rolling over on your back. Again silence, yet something felt off once again, you swore you heard breathing. Was he there? Did he know? Why wasn't he saying a word?
“Saeyoung, listen to me…” You whined. Your mind was spinning. Always spinning. You can’t recall how many times you felt like you were going to pass out, yet your body was as stiff as a board.
You just wanted this to end already. You needed someone to know just how royally fucked you were. You wanted it to be him, he was the only one you cared about. Another lie, huh? I thought we were enjoying this little game? No? Nothing is more lonely than this. But, still nothing.
You loved him too much, and perhaps he never loved you… no. Regret, hmm? “Quiet…” you mumbled. Your head felt foggy, your subconscious trying to convince you that you were never an object of his affection, that it was all a lie.
“Listen to me, Saeyoung. I am so sick of this shit. I am so tired, I just want to stop feeling all of this. I can’t handle this anymore… I already…” You stopped. You were sure he was never going to respond, and if he did, casting that worry on him, letting him know you tried to end your life, that would be worse than him not answering back at all. Your heart was beating fast. You didn’t think you had any strength left. You just wanted to get through to someone, and if it was going to be anyone, it was going to be him.
You felt your heart drop when there wasn't a response, had you gone insane...? More so than you already believed you were. Suddenly you could hear noises coming through the phone, it sounded like he was moving. The once so normal call that you had ingrained in your head was drastically different.
Normally the call continued on, Saeyoung explaining pointless bits of information, you being the one to threaten to hang up. But this time, it didn’t. Something definitely changed.
"MC?!” His voice panicked. Your eyes grew wide. You sat up instantly picking up the phone, taking it off speaker and holding it close to your ear. “Saeyoung?” You said in disbelief. What changed? How much did he know? Not much, you supposed. You felt like you knew everything and nothing, yet there were pieces missing, pieces you could just almost reach, but never getting close enough to touch.
It took a moment but his voice came through the line. “Please tell me you’re safe…” his heart was beating out of his chest with an onslaught of emotions, mind scrambling to figure out why he couldn't recall the past few weeks. In immediate response your words fell out of your mouth in an almost incoherent slur. “Yes- Wait. No… I’m unsure. Do you know what’s going on? Stupid question, ignore me. What changed? How did you know? Were you alone?”
Before you could continue, your slew of questions was cut short. “MC!” Saeyoung said with a tinge of annoyance trying to get you to focus. “Sorry. I’m sure you’re just as confused as I am. I thought I’d never see you again. I thought maybe I was being punished to eternal damnation for something I did, but what could I have done to deserve the nightmare I’ve been living…?”
Saeyoung faltered. “Nightmare?” He questioned. You didn’t know how much he knew, if he had gone through everything you had, if he was alone… Lost without you. Pathetic, don’t you think?
“I can’t remember the past month. My brain was replaying me joining the RFA over and over, and the second I was happy, the second you and I were free, my world came crashing down and it reset. Over and over and over. I didn’t realize it at first, my mind has been completely torn to shreds...” Your voice was quivering as you spoke, the weight that had caged itself inside your heart had subsided, but your mind was still caught in a war.
You took a moment to gather your thoughts.
“Something changed when I woke up. I didn’t know what, till you called. Do you remember the first day we spoke on the phone? I engrained those words in my head and I was convinced today was another never ending hellscape I had to endure. But I noticed I had gained some semblance of control, something I didn’t have before, something that was taken from me… From you.”
Saeyoung held his phone with bated breath, trying to connect the missing pieces with each new bit of information you fed him. “I noticed it too.” He said softly. “Nothing made sense, I felt frozen. Space and time had come to a halt, reality just out of reach. My body felt weightless, I had no control. When I woke up, when I called, I had a suspicion that there was something different. Things I couldn’t do before, I could now. I had a sharp migraine, everything was hazy, I felt trapped between worlds, but it became clear when I heard your voice. Like something within my brain clicked.”
You were on the verge of falling apart again, you clung to every word Saeyoung had said like it would be his last because you were so afraid that everything would disappear again. “I thought I had lost you…” A stray tear rolled down your cheek, your body slightly shaking. Neither of you truly understood what was going on.
And who is to blame for that? Oh right. Yourself. Had you never interfered none of this would be happening. But, little miss ‘can’t keep herself out of other people’s business’ just had to go and ruin it all.
A sharp pang rattled your brain, the voice berating every inch of your already weakened state. You didn’t know how you deserved to be stuck with a subconscious so vicious.
As Saeyoung theorized ways behind both of your memory loss, you couldn't help but let your mind wander. Did he know you tried to end it all? You ignored the voice, it wasn’t the time, but it was brandishing the back of your mind. Maybe he did know, maybe he was too scared to say something. Maybe he tried to stop you but realized that you were fine. No. Now is not the time. Are you sure? I’m dying to see how this goes. “Fuck off.” You hissed quietly hoping Seven hadn’t heard your seething voice.
“I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” Saeyoung said gently. You gripped the phone with such force you were afraid it would crumble into a thousand pieces, you had to keep yourself together.
“I need you- I need to see you. Please.” You begged. “Before something happens again. Before I convince myself that none of this is real.” Because for so long, it wasn’t. Everything you thought was real was just a fabrication of lies, a plot of malicious intent seeping into every crack and crevice. Your body drowning in a thick poisonous liquid, swallowed entirely whole. Your voice was wavering between anger and emptiness. You were mad at yourself for being so weak.
“Love… I’ll make sure to you I am as real as when I first laid eyes on you. The moment I fell in love with your voice, your smile, the way you laugh at my stupid jokes when no one else would. MC, I promise, we will figure this out. I’m going to fix this.”
“I’m scared…” Your heart was pounding.
“I promised to protect you. I’m keeping my word. I’ll see you soon. I love you.” Saeyoung said earnestly. The line went dead. His adoration for you was beyond anything you had ever known. A part of you burned when he wasn’t in reach, a flame so stark, so bright, your flesh rippled under the intensity of it all. Your heart raced, mind spinning in circles once again. Your eyes felt heavy and your body weak. Letting yourself relax into the soft mattress below you did you finally find some recognition of peace, lingering about. You’re going to regret this. But you didn’t and you never would.
“I love you too.” You said softly, closing your eyes and letting the darkness consume you whole.
Seven needed a plan. He was the only one that could get to you. His mind rattled with fear as time ticked on. His eyes frantically scanned his messy desk that was covered in opened bags of chips, crumbs lightly dusting the surface and empty cans of soda, leaving an almost sticky residue. How they got there he was unsure, as time ticked on, everything started to fade.
He started to fumble for documents that were lying askew. Papers that had everything to do with the agency and nothing to do with helping you. Scanning over each one, taking in every word, looking for something that could lead him in the right direction. His body tensed when his eyes glossed over a stack of papers that had lines of code scribbled up and down the page.
“Damnit!” He hissed under his breath.
The security system had been breached. How had he not noticed this before? Not that he could remember anything. He couldn’t even remember getting out of bed this morning. He felt a lump in his throat, the thought that you were there alone, and he was still here twiddling his thumbs sent his heart into overdrive. He tried not to blame himself, but he was the one who was meant to be protecting you.
Rushing, he ungraciously tugged a backpack out from the bottom drawer of his filing cabinet, all while nearly collapsing backwards over his chair. The metal container held a cluster of random things he couldn’t remember putting there. He spotted the robot he had made for you, memories slowly encapsulating his mind. Albeit hazy. A small smile formed on his face, but it softly faded as he realized what he was doing. Shoving all the equipment he needed into the bag, he stumbled out of the bunker.
Clambering into the closest car he had access to he could feel the thrumming in his chest as he started the car. Panicking, he gripped the steering wheel with such force his knuckles turned a pale white. “Please be safe.” He mumbled as he set off. Your safety meant more to him than anything he could fathom, his heart yearned to see you.
He didn’t know how he was going to fix any of this, or if he had the means to do so. But he was going to try. And knowing now, took a toll on his body. After taking a deep breath and almost choking on his own spit he disappeared out of sight.
It wasn’t long till he was outside the apartment. He was the only one who knew the exact location. V had given everything to Rika, but he didn’t have any claim to what was inside. No one knew the secrets that lay hidden within. No one knew the horrors that awaited curious minds, MC mere feet from a world so sickeningly vile. A cacophony of maniacal laughter echoing through the silent walls of Rika’s apartment.
Seven parked as far away as he could, knowing someone, anyone, could be watching. He was hoping, no, praying that someone hadn't gotten to you. Of whom made the list of ‘most likely’, nothing but a blank drew, because to Saeyoung, he couldn’t convince himself that anyone he had connections to would use the both of them for their obscene theatrical performance.
His mind started questioning the security system and how MC had ended up back in Rika’s apartment. The sliver of information that he could recall felt like it was always out of reach, close enough to touch, but never being able to fully connect the pieces. His heart started to race as he approached the glass doors that led inside the main lobby. It was fairly quiet save from a woman quietly tapping away at the desk, giving Saeyoung a gentle smile before he impatiently rushed towards the elevator.
Holding tightly onto his bag, Saeyoung nervously made his way up to Rika’s apartment, his foot rapidly tapping as the number above the elevator door ticked upwards. Each passing floor made his heart lurch forward, worried the person who did this had figured out his motives. He couldn’t help but picture your body collapsed on the ground, the perpetrator lingering above your almost lifeless frame. A knife slowly dragging its serrated edge against your throat, droplets of blood staining your body. Saeyoung immediately shook the image out of his thoughts, berating himself at the unwanted visuals.
The elevator doors finally clicked open, Saeyoung was frozen in place. He was terrified he was too late, his knuckles that same familiar ghostly white color as he clenched his bag with intense force. Hearing the familiar ding moments later, he noticed the doors start to close, his mind snapped and he shoved his body through, nearly tripping into the wall across from it. His eyes and ears honed in on the quietness praying he was alone.
Noticing a stairwell only feet from the elevator shaft, he quickly tucked himself behind the corner, holding his breath like it may be his last. He didn't know why the special security system had gone off, perhaps it was a fluke, who was he kidding… This was planned. Of all people, Saeyoung knew it wouldn’t randomly set off, he made sure of that. Someone was behind this.
It took a few moments to hack into the apartment's security to check if the coast was clear, moving from camera to camera scanning every inch of the building that he could see. It took him only a second to realize he was a floor below yours. He miscalculated.
While all of this was going on you were pacing the room. You convinced yourself you weren't nervous. Liar. “Okay, maybe I am.” You seethed. Or maybe you were just impatient. Or both. Your heart raced slightly at the thought of falling into nothingness but being slammed back down in the cold harsh reality of it all. Just like this morning. “Where is he?” You groaned.
Seconds later your phone rang. “Saeyoung!” You said almost frantically. Your breath rose with each inhale. “I’m here. The security system in the apartment was breached, I don't see anything suspicious yet." He said softly, a tinge of worry still coating his words. He didn’t want to worry you.
"Please hurry." You said impatiently, although you knew he was doing his best to keep you safe. You held the phone close to your ear, hoping the warmth from his voice would return, you needed to hear it because you didn’t know if it would be the last.
“I'll see you soon." Saeyoung muttered anxiously.
After quickly deciding what to do, he shoved his laptop back in his bag and made it up the next flight of stairs. Finally on the correct floor. He slowly peeked his head around the corner, praying that it was empty, and to his surprise it was. "Who's doing this...?" He wondered aloud, his eyes gazing down the long hallway, not a soul in sight.
He took a moment to double check his surroundings before approaching Rika's apartment. Nervous to be face to face with you, especially since he's lacking vital memories. You had been the main event to whatever sick show your mind had convinced you, you were a part of. You remembered almost everything, and that's why you felt so alone. Because while you were feeling the effects of the world caving in on you, no one else did. Not until you realized, Saeyoung was experiencing the same exact thing.
“I'm outside the door, don't mo-" and before he could hit send, there was a loud crashing noise and then a scream from within. Saeyoung’s heart started to race. He was so close. “Why now? “Why now?!” he panicked. Before his mind could think, he was in front of the plain looking door, hands fumbling at the lock. "MC!" He yelled, his hands trembling, trying to type in the longwinded passcode that V had set.
You had felt the influx of sudden glass practically dance along every surface of skin that had been exposed, your arms taking the brunt of the damage. Your body had collapsed into the side of the bed, arms raised to protect your head. However in the midst of trying to figure out what the hell happened someone appeared above you. Your body glued to the floor. Unable to move. Your eyes locked onto a pair of unforgettable mint irises. You tried to scream but all that came out was a pathetic scratchy cry. Truly laughable.
Saeyoung managed to push open the door to the apartment before the man before them could do anything. He quickly turned around, anger riddling his face. The man’s stature was rigid, his hand holding what appeared to be a blade, your mind frying at the idea that out of anyone that could have broken in, it was him.
"Saeran...?" You questioned. Your heart, shattering. “What did you just call him?” Saeyoung frantically questioned, looking back and forth between you and the man. You instantly caught on that Saeyoung couldn't remember as much as you did. It felt all too similar. Replaying in your mind over and over like a broken record. The seventh day of being RFA’s perfect party planner, there you were on the brink of death. It was Saeran. What you couldn’t quite recall was why he was here now. You were trying to put all the pieces together as each second ticked by.
"Don't call me THAT!" He shouted. There was a painful sting about his voice. Did he know about you. Remember you? You knew he couldn't have. The poison... It has to be Mint Eye, it has to be someone... Maybe you had been dreaming all of this. Maybe none of this was real. Regretting this are you?
Your memories had come rushing back in flashes, but there were traces of hope, that you'd somehow piece together what you knew was missing. You remembered being happy, free of this. So how was he here? What happened? Was it Rika? Why couldn't you remember the most important details... Someone stole the core meaning of you, of Saeyoung, and now you worried, was Saeran a part of everything?
Saeyoung kept his distance, his hands held up in defense. "MC, why did you call him that?!" Before you could answer, Saeran had pulled down the black cloth that was covering most of his face, exposing himself to Saeyoung, a dark smile lingering. "But..." Was all he could say before a piercing alarm went off. "Special Security System Activated. Ten minutes till detonation."
"Shit." Saeran turned around, fire in his eyes. “You….” he growled. Why did he look at you? Did he know something? You gave him a somewhat concerned look before his attention was back on Saeyoung. His body froze, panic setting in. “Saeran?” he cautiously breathed. Your now slouched body felt heavier than it did before.
“What? What do you mean there’s a bomb!” his eyes glued on Saeyoungs.
He didn't know. And that's when it hit you. He couldn’t remember you. Every memory your mind could grasp had been strewn about, tangled like threads that threatened to snap. “She did this again…?” You said with a whisper. Eyes lingering on Saeran's back. Your body felt shrouded in a thick fog, throat begging to collapse. The two people you had cared for more than anything, just within reach, were painfully unaware.
"I don't know! That's what I'm trying to figure out, it thinks you're a target... This has happened before. Why is this happening again?!”
Saeran’s eyebrows knitted in impatient rage. “What are you talking about?!”
“You. Me. Her! You tried to kidnap MC. Everything that happened then is happening now. What the hell is going on…?!” Saeyoung pulled at his hair in frustration. He felt defeated, he couldn't understand why any of this was happening, his memories were getting mixed up with what he thought was real.
You knew you had to say something, Saeran didn't know you knew. He was unsuspecting, somehow, his own memories vacant. It was plausible something happened, but it didn't make sense. None of it did. Still covered in glass, you stood up slowly letting the remnants fall to the floor, your breath trying to steady itself. Saeran defensively blocked your path from Saeyoung's, your gaze heavy, eyes glancing back and forth between the two men.
“Let me explain.” There was a moment of silence before you finally spoke.
“I know everything…” Hoping what you were about to say next would evoke some sort of response. Something, anything. You knew it was going to confuse Saeyoung more than he already was. You couldn't quite figure why he couldn't remember as much as you. It made you feel dizzy just thinking about it.
“I know about Mint Eye, Saeran. I couldn’t understand why at first, it didn’t make sense. I finally realized… Something that confirmed my suspicions the moment I saw you.” Saeyoung gave you a puzzled look.
“It’s not all there, not yet. However, I know you, Saeran. You lied to me. You tricked me into helping you and when I eventually realized what Rika had done to you, it’s like I had forgotten you entirely. I woke up in this apartment… And now here we are face to face once again, except you don’t know who I am. You don’t know anything. We’ve all been played.”
Saeran’s face twisted with anger. He was beyond confused, the words that spilled out of your mouth set his teeth on edge. He stepped an inch closer towards you, his hand gripping the knife, hand slightly shaking.
“What the fuck do you mean, you know me?! You’ve never met me! Why would I ever waste my breath on someone like you?!” Maybe I’m nicer than you thought, huh? Your heart lurched at his vile remark, but you knew it was because of Rika. It didn’t make sense when you woke up this morning, you didn’t think she had it in her. But she had to be the reason the three of you were involved. The RFA had fabricated ideations of who she was, but you knew deep down she was a conniving snake.
Saeyoung’s gaze met yours again, he was confused and with reason.
“I have. And I’m starting to suspect that the reason you don’t remember is because of Rika. She did something to make you forget. That’s the only logical reason, but I know for a fact that the person I met… Would never forget me. He was too kind…”
Saeran let out a low growl. “He couldn’t even hold your hand without running away in fear. He’s weak.” He spat.
“What the fuck is happening?!” Saeyoung demanded.
The loud ringing vibrated throughout the apartment once again. “Five minutes till detonation."
“I’m not done.” You said coldly. Although your eyes said differently. You were trying to buy Saeyoung time so he could figure out an escape plan, neither of you had any idea if the three of you would be blown to pieces or not.
Your attention fell back on Saeran. "Tick tock." You needed to figure out how Saeran played into this, you didn’t know what he was going to do, but you knew that you had to remember, that's all that mattered. You were afraid how this would end, how you'd have to explain to them everything you did, what he did, the pain, the misery, the lies... the deception.
"I'M THE ONE IN CONTROL." His voice echoed off the apartment walls, a fire so pure, rage, guttural rage, filling his small fragile body.
“You’re right, you are. You convinced yourself that you had to become stronger because a delicate flower can't withstand a life on its own. Left to wilt by someone you thought you could trust. Isn’t that right?” Every passing second gave you a moment to process your memories so much so that Saeyoung had the opportunity to shut down the situation entirely.
Your body inched closer, hands up in defense, showing you had no reason to hurt him. Perhaps Saeyoung could knock him unconscious, that would keep him preoccupied, at least for a while.
Chuckling darkly, Saeran’s head ever so slightly twisted to the side. His peripheral on Saeyoung. “I was abandoned. Left to die.” His body twisted away from yours, the knife now mere inches from Saeyoung’s face. “NO THANKS TO YOU.” He yelled.
“We don’t have time for this, do you all want to become pieces of meat splattered against the wall?!” You snapped.
“Fuck!” Saeran groaned. “I’m taking her, whether you like it or not. It’s what you deserve!”
“The hell you are.” Saeyoung seethed. Before he could do anything the knife that Saeran had been holding onto was now hovering between you and him, he looked down and back at you, his hand snatching your waist, his right arm thrusting forward. It only took a second for Saeyoung to take notice, lunging at Saeran, the knife piercing through your shirt, just grazing the side of your body.
“One minute till detonation.” The voice said promptly.
While Saeran tried to pull himself to his feet, Saeyoung managed to grab hold of a book that had been laying on the coffee table. Swinging as quickly as he could, he hit Saeran who fell ungraciously onto the floor. You weren't going to lie, it crushed you to see him like this.
“We don’t have time, we need to go! Grab him!” You said, truly scared you weren’t going to survive this. Saeyoung had barely got hold of Saeran’s arm before the voice rattled through the apartment again. This time it started to count down the seconds to your demise. Shuffling your arms under Saeran you tried to lift him, but it was futile. A horrific “Three, two one” echoed in your skull. You braced for impact. Except it never came.
“Huh?” You breathed out confused. “Nothing happened. I thought…?”
But what you thought about a bomb that never went off didn’t matter. You let go of Saeran’s body and stood up slowly, eyes locking with Saeyoung’s.
You held steady for a moment before colliding against him, pulling yourself tightly against his chest, your hands clinging to the back of his hoodie. “God, I missed you. I fucking missed you more than you could ever imagine, Saeyoung.” A soft chuckle fell from his mouth as he gently held you in his embrace. After a moment he pulled back to look at you, but he immediately noticed the spot where Saeran had cut you.
“I’m fine.” You reassured him. “Just a scratch. See. Besides all the tiny glass shards in my hair... I think I’ll live.” You held your shirt up to where the knife nicked you. “This isn’t as bad as when I tried-” You cut yourself off before you could finish, not wanting to worry Saeyoung even more. You knew it wasn’t real, but the implication was.
“Tried…? Tried what? He said, his hands now intertwined with yours. You slightly shook your head, a small smile forming, oh how naive you were for thinking that you could get away with this little secret. Your face dropped to the ground, a small laugh escaped your lips. It took you a moment to compose yourself before you had the courage to look at him. This was harder for you than it was for him, you were weak and this would expose that. Yeah, trying to kill yourself isn't really a noble moment is it?
“Please…?” He said with the softest breath he could manage.
You were surprised Saeran hadn’t done more damage and maybe it was because you weren’t alone, or maybe it was because Saeran’s knife wasn’t as nearly as big as the kitchen knife you had used on yourself all those months ago. You didn’t know which was the right answer but you knew one way or another you had to say something.
“I.. I can’t say it. Please, just trust me.” You said quietly. You knew Saeyoung wasn’t going to react to this kindly, and you could already feel his presence overtaking you. His arms were wrapped around your body in a matter of seconds, a stifled cry threatening to break from his chest. You limply wrapped your arms around his, trying to ignore the burning pain that was radiating from where you had been cut. “I trust you… I love you.” His voice shook.
You knew he had suspicions and you felt like he’d probably blame himself, but now was not the time…Despite everything, all you needed was him. “I love you too… Saeyoung.” You wanted to disappear. You felt guilty you couldn’t tell him the truth, because what good would it do to hurt him more than he already had been.
Saeyoung let out a soft sigh, his eyes lingering on Saeran’s unconscious form. He couldn’t formulate a reason, one that made sense, as to why his own brother, someone he thought was safe, could do something so vile. “MC…I know you know more. What happened? Why is he doing this…?”
You sat on the edge of the bed letting out a small breath.
“It was within the first week of me joining the RFA, I had barely known any of you, yet you all seemed so willing to do anything to protect me despite having little trust in me. Saeran was the one who led me to Rika’s apartment. So stupid and naive of me to trust someone so blindly, but then if I didn’t, I’d never have met you. So in a way, I should be thankful despite how fucked up all of this is.” Your head hung low, ashamed.
“I’m sorry it ended up like this…” Saeyoung offered. He gave you a small smile joining the empty spot next to you, his hand connecting with yours. His eyes were gentle and you knew he supported you no matter what happened.
“After he had tried to take me back to Mint Eye, we devised a plan to find him. But it didn’t work out. We got trapped… Although I don’t know how we got out, I’m still unclear on that part. I have a suspicion that he broke into the apartment again today because of Rika. My memories are almost non-existent, past trying to rescue Saeran, I can’t recall past the party.” Lifting your head up, you meet eyes with Saeyoung. “I’m sorry I haven’t had the chance to ask, but what do you remember… I feel like everything has been about me.”
He let out a soft chuckle. “Don’t worry about me, you’re more important. The last thing I can recall is going to save Saeran… There has to be more than that. Our lives didn’t end the second we got stuck. Someone besides him…” His eyes glanced down at Saeran. “...Or Rika has to know something.”
You didn’t know why it didn’t take you till now. Immediately standing up, you started to frantically look for your phone. “What is it?” He questioned. “I know there wasn’t really a good time, but the RFA. Are they even safe? Did Rika get to them too? I don’t have any messages on my phone from them… Something might have happened.” Your tone laced with worry.
“What if they went through the same thing we did? What if they also had their memories tampered with.” That very thought scared you. You thought of yourself as someone who could bounce back from most things, but the rest of the RFA weren’t equipped for something like this. You tried to kill yourself, are you fucking me right now? Like you could handle anything.
Pulling open a new chatroom you quickly typed out an SOS message hoping that if any of them were safe, they’d make it known. You relayed what had happened, trying to keep the details to a minimum.
“They might be blocked.” Saeyoung added. Your heart sank at the suggestion. “Who the hell are we supposed to contact then…? What about V.” The name reverberated painfully in your head. Don’t you remember? “That's the issue here!” You snapped back silently to yourself.
“What if he’s in the same boat as the rest of them?” He suggested.
“Right….” You let out a drawn out sigh unsure of what to do. “How long do we have till he’s conscious again?” You asked worriedly. If he did wake up, he’d try to escape. Fleeing back to Rika… Back to everything you tried so hard to break him from. He would never get the help he deserved. You collapsed onto the couch opposite of Saeyoung.
“Presumably not very long. We need to get him back to the bunker.” The bunker you can’t remember. A place that must have held quite a few memories, ones that were stolen from the both of you. You felt a small chill run down your spine. Something clicked.
“Saeyoung? I know this isn’t the appropriate time to ask, like really not the right time, my emotions are all over the place and if I’m being completely honest, I know there’s no way in hell we didn’t…” You paused, a tinge of red covering your face. Grow up.
“Didn’t?” He questioned curiously.
“It’s just that for some reason I can only remember the bad parts, I can’t recall us being happy after we decided it was safer for me to move into the bunker. I know we were, I can feel it. Not that we weren’t happy before the party, it’s just… When you mentioned the bunker a part of me felt like I could almost grasp at the missing pieces but they’re still lingering just out of reach.” You swallowed nervously.
“I apologize for being so… Shy.” You chuckled at your immaturity. It wasn’t the right time or place, but you needed to know if he had any memory of it. Spit it out.
“MC, what is it?”
“I don’t know why I’m getting so flustered… Hah. Okay, um… We definitely slept together…. You remember that right?” Your face turned cherry red, hands immediately covering your face in embarrassment. Repeated “Sorry’s” quietly coming out of your mouth.
A warm laugh fell from Saeyoung’s throat. “I don’t think I could ever forget that.” He beamed. You were on the verge of exploding from embarrassment, that he could tell. You didn’t notice his change in position but when you lifted your head, he was kneeling before you, a goofy smile on his face.
“Sorry, everything’s so depressing. I just wanted to know if there was at least one good thing that was fated about us.”
“Don’t be sorry, Love. I love how candid and open you are. I know the situation is pretty damn shitty right now, but we could all use a bit of happiness”. He said earnestly.
The blush still lingered with every endearing word he spoke. “I am! Your brother is out cold on the floor and he almost tried to kill us, and a bomb almost took us out, and here I am wondering if you ever had sex with me. I’m so embarrassing.” Your eyes squeezed shut, not wanting to look at him.
“MC, you’re only human. The moment I heard your voice this morning, I won’t lie, I was thinking about every inch of you. I somehow felt like we had been apart for eternity, and that what I was imagining wasn’t real, that I never fell in love with you, that you were a figment of my sick and twisted imagination.”
You pulled both of your hands to his face, carefully cupping his adorable cheeks, your nose pressing against his. “I’m real and I’m never disappearing again. I can’t afford to face this world alone.”
“You won’t have to, Love. I promise. We will figure all of this out. Together.” Before he stood up he placed a gentle kiss on your forehead. Your heart swelled instantaneously. “I just remembered. I need to get my bag, I left it in the stairwell, I’ll be back in a moment. He placed a soft kiss on your temple before turning and disappearing around the corner.
While Saeyoung was gone, your mind started to reel from the memories you had been holding back. The last time you had been "face to face" with him felt like it had been years, and it tortured you that for so long all you ever knew was a momentary version of him. You had never been more thankful that it wasn’t all a dream.
Sighing, you let your mind wander, curious of how much Saeyoung knew, apart from what he told you earlier. You suspected he had no memory of your past, that was certain. You weren’t sure if you knew either, but there was one thing that never left your mind. You knew he didn’t know it at the time, but seeing Saeran’s limp body caused your skin to go numb, even now… His chest slowly rising up and down, unconscious and unaware… You loved him. Both of them.
“Stop…” You whimpered. But the fun hasn’t even started yet! “Leave me alone!” You shouted, you didn’t realize how loud you were till you lifted your head, Saeyoung standing in the doorframe. Worry riddling his face. “What happened?!”
“Sorry… I- I didn’t mean you.. I-” You buried your head in your hands. How do you tell him, you have this annoying voice in the back of your head, these intruding thoughts, that won’t leave you the hell alone… Maybe you were like Saeran…
“Huh?” He said.
Saeyoung had dropped his bag, and was embraced in your warmth before you had the chance to say anything more. “I shouldn’t have left you alone.” He said softly. You shook your head, it wasn’t his fault. “I promise I’m fine…” Liar. You twitched at the voice. “Okay… I’m lying. I’m not fine.” Are you finally admitting what little spark has been sucking you dry? Tensing, hands pulling the plush fabric between your fingers you let out a stifled cry. Saeyoung pulled your face gently into his hands, his eyes never leaving yours.
“You can tell me anything…” He said with such promise. And that broke you, because of how much you knew, and how little he did. That you had been lying to him from the start… But even then, you didn’t know how much you could even remember yourself. It came in flashes, painfully burning the inner parts of your mind. Perhaps you didn’t deserve him. “Are you happy?” you thought to yourself. Maybe.
“I need to stop lying. I’ve been lying, I keep telling you I’m fine, I told you to trust me. But all I’m doing is stealing the trust you put in me, you don’t deserve me.” A tear broke free from the cage it had been clinging to since the moment you laid eyes on Saeyoung that afternoon.
“Don’t say that. I could never blame you for anything, I couldn’t possibly imagine what it was like for you. You have every right to lie to me. You’re protecting yourself… You know… You sound like me. I tried to push you away when things got serious. I was so mad at myself for trying to protect you, when all that did was more harm than good. I should be the one to apologize, not you.”
“See, I don’t deserve you. You’re too kind to me.” You shook your head again, the tears that were once on your cheek were now dripping past your chin.
“I learned from you what it was to love, you taught me those things. Without you, I would be miserable…” You felt your breath catch, hearing him say those things, knowing you two were missing pieces to a puzzle so fucked up, that it was hard to believe any of this was happening right now.
Without saying anything you clasped your arms around his body, not wanting to let go. Your wavy breaths being steadied by his, letting you meld into him. You felt at peace, but you weren’t sure how long the moment would last. The two of you sat there quietly, but you felt a nagging urge berate your mind. Every second that passed, was a second longer that Saeyoung was painfully unaware of how you fit into all of this. Slowly pulling away, hands still intertwined, you held a solemn look.
It was like the memories you had lost were selectively chosen to fuck with you. Anything that led to your happiness had been stripped from you entirely. You could remember everything before the RFA, but the second you tried to connect the dots, to figure out what happened after that fateful night… It was empty.
“I know you said I was doing this to protect myself, and that was partially true. But there’s more to this than you will ever know… And it’s a lie I thought I could keep. Every time I look at you, it eats away at every cell in my body, as if one day I’ll cease to exist.”
“What do you mean?” Saeyoung questioned, his eyebrows just ever so slightly knitting together. You loved how he was patient with you, how he never rushed your feelings.
“I know you don’t know anything about Magenta. I suppose that should be Saeran’s story to tell. I wish I could tell you everything right now. ” Your head dropped, you felt sorry you couldn’t give him the explanation he is owed, but you just didn’t have enough time.
“I trust you. Remember?” He said genuinely.
“Thank you…” You gently tugged on his arms, pulling his forehead to yours, a soft smile on your lips. “There is one important thing however. One thing I didn’t tell you even before all of this transpired. This is the lie I’ve been keeping to not only protect me, but you. Before I say what I’m going to say, I want you to know how much I love you, Saeyoung. You have been the one person that has kept me going… despite everything. Everything? Did you not try to kill yourself?
“I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t know how to even say this.” Your eyes were welling with tears, you could feel them threatening to break over the edge, but you knew this had to be said. You had to stop lying, not just for Saeyoung, but for yourself. “I promise I’m not leaving you, I know how horrible I'm making this sound…”
You pulled yourself away from him, you knew what was about to happen, and with the smallest smile you could manage you took a deep breath, curling your legs into your chest, one hand slipping from his grasp, the other softly holding onto his fingers.
“You might not believe me, I wouldn’t, I didn’t. I had to convince myself that what happened was real, that maybe I was going crazy, now I know I wasn’t.” You paused again, watching Saeyoung’s expression with bated breath.
“I’m sorry Saeyoung… There’s just so much more to this. How naive of me, perhaps I shouldn’t have let myself be so stupid… Listening to a stranger, going to an apartment I had no business being at, maybe none of this would be happening if I didn’t leave…” Tears were cascading down your face, your body softly shaking.
“If you didn’t, I never would have met you… I would take Saeran breaking into Rika’s apartment a million times over if it meant I got to meet you…” Saeyoung squeezed your free hand, his warm eyes showering you in love.
“Before I met the RFA…Before Saeran led me to Rika’s apartment… I was at Magenta.”
“What?” Saeyoung said with utter disbelief.
“God, this is really fucking hard to get out. Saeyoung, I knew your brother, before I met you. I… I was coaxed into going to help him. Under some bullshit guise that I was helping for a good cause. But it was all a lie.”
“What did he do to you?!” His eyes flickered between yours and Saeran's body. He was a tempered pot waiting to boil over and you could sense the anger rising within. Unexpectedly a wave of panic washed over you, suffocating every inch of your skin, your lungs threatening to collapse. How could you ever tell him what he did? Do you lie to protect him, or give him what he deserves? You swallowed anxiously, eyes lingering on the floor.
“You have to promise me, Saeyoung. That what I’m going to tell you, was because of Rika. All of this, I’m positive, is because of her.” Before you could continue you felt a bitter taste in your mouth, almost like you had swallowed something vile. Your gaze returned to his, eyebrows furrowed in regret. “When I first met him, he was very kind, doting on my hands and feet. I felt like royalty. But something changed. He had become so cruel, he threatened me. Made me feel like I was nothing. Rika didn’t care as much as she tried to make me believe.”
Saeyoung’s heart crumbled inside his aching chest. He didn’t know how much more he could take. His mind had been sent into overdrive. “I feel… So betrayed. I- I was promised he… How is any of this real? We’ve been played for fools… Dangling from strings we’ll never control…” He said bitterly.
“I wish I could have told you sooner. If anyone betrayed you it’s been me. Even if I couldn’t remember… It just proves how weak I am. I let them control me. I should have fought it. I’m so sorry this is how you’re finding out, Saeyoung. I didn’t want to hurt you, and I’m sure I’ve done plenty of that.” Like his, your heart too had shattered, once again.
Saeyoung pulled your body against his, securing you in place. Warmth radiated down your frigid spine. You felt safe despite everything. “Don’t you dare say that, you know you didn’t have a choice. There was nothing you could have done.” Saeyoung took hold of your hands drawing small circles into your palm.
“I did have a choice… At least partially.” You muttered.
“How?” He questioned incredulously.
“It wasn’t….I didn’t sit idly by. I didn’t know it at the time but there was something so captivating about him. Because he wasn’t a nightmare at first. I didn’t know any better. Stupid naive me. Clinging onto anyone who would give her the time of day, even if that meant becoming a toy to be played with.” Your hands slightly shook. “I fell in love, Saeyoung. With Saeran… I still…” You paused out of fear.
“Love him?” He finished. He peppered ghost-like kisses on the back of your neck, reassuring your own thoughts.
“Yes.” You breathed out. “But I love you more than anything, Saeyoung. You are the most important person in my life, and I want you to know how truly sorry I am for everything. I feel like every time I get involved, it ends up with someone getting hurt. When things got bad, when Saeran started to act differently, I tried to help him, but it only angered him more… He scared me, and I thought I had lost him.”
“Did he hurt you…?” You felt Saeyoung’s chest quiver.
“Physically…No. He might have been too rough, grabbed my wrists… He tried to scare me, make me think that the next time I saw him would be his last. But they were shallow threats. His words are what hurt me the most.” You could feel your eyes swell, along with your heart, and all the emotions that were bubbling inside yourself.
You pulled yourself away from Saeyoung’s chest so the two of you were face to face again. “What he said, if I could remember that is, doesn’t matter. But it wasn’t him… It’s Rika’s fault. I don’t know how he ended up so cold. But I promise, I’m okay. Everything he did… I ended up in Rika’s apartment. I think he had realized his mistakes and couldn’t handle hurting me. He gave me sleeping pills so I couldn’t find him again. He wanted me to forget him, because I couldn’t love him in the way he or Rika wanted.”
“He’s a completely different person… My own brother… Hah. I thought he had… He was okay. That he was safe. It turns out the one person I could trust, betrayed me… You.” A burning sensation coated your lungs, setting ablaze every vein. Rika left a bitter taste in your mouth, her very name sparked a rage within you.
“Maybe… V knows something. He was the only one who was closest with her.” You suggested, knowing that Saeyoung didn’t know what you did about Magenta. About how V… Jihyun, had tried to save you but it didn’t end up making a difference in the end. You had trusted him. Funny how trust works.
“I suppose. He’s always absent, always gone when he’s needed the most. I don’t know what to think. I don’t even want to imagine him being somehow behind this.” He sighed.
“Time will tell. However…. No matter what happens going forward, I'll be by your side, through it all. I promise. We’re going to figure this out. Even if we have to crawl to the ends of the earth to figure out the truth, I’ll be here. With you. Always.” Your eyes wandered over to Saeran who was thankfully still unconscious. ”I think… We should probably do something about Saeran. If he wakes up, it won’t be good. Not here at least.”
“Right. Let’s do this. Together.”
After what seemed like hours you and Saeyoung managed to get Saeran’s limp body into the car. The drive to the bunker was long, and without warning only a short hour into the ride you had passed out. You didn’t know how exhausted you had been till you finally let your mind fade into a dull quietness. Saeyoung glanced over now and then, admiring how cute you looked, he knew how much you deserved it.
Halfway through the trip, Saeyoung received a call. He pulled his phone out from his back pocket and when he saw the caller ID he started to get nervous. This call was unusual, this person never called. Not without reason. And knowing what he knew, he was starting to panic. It felt almost like the universe knew you needed his help. But how much faith could you truly put in him? He hesitated for a moment before answering. You were still passed out, Saeyoung was thankful, not wanting to worry you any more than you already had been.
“V…” he said softly, trying to be as quiet as possible. “Luciel? We need to speak in private. It’s something important. You'll know where to meet me. 17:00 sharp. I’ll be waiting.” V hung up. Saeyoung’s heart started to race.
After speeding back to the bunker, Saeyoung pulled his car into his brightly lit garage that was filled with other expensive cars all sporting different colors. Letting out a deep sigh he took a moment to think before gently waking you. “Love, wake up.” He spoke softly. Saeran laid peacefully in the backseat.
You heard Saeyoung’s voice as you awoke from your short nap, body slightly aching from the uncomfortable car seat that you had ended up using as a makeshift bed, your knees curled into your chest, seatbelt used as a pillow. Forgetting where you had ended up, a slight jolt ran through your body as your eyes tried to adjust to the fluorescent lights that rudely infiltrated your vision.
You let out a small yawn and rubbed your eyes before finally being able to properly see everything in view. Just past Saeyoung’s door was a row of shiny sports cars you remembered him bragging about when you first met, although you felt like it was the first time ever seeing them. It felt strange being in a place you couldn’t quite remember. You knew you had memories, but they had been locked away. It’s because you don’t deserve to be happy.
“I’ve missed your babies.” You softly chuckled, still a bit sleepy. Saeyoung threw you a warm smile before motioning to the back door. “Help me get him out. I have a spare room I can keep him in.” Before you came to the other side of the car you stretched a bit, making a soft "mm" sound, causing Saeyoung to chuckle. You pulled open the door, pushing Saeran up towards Saeyoung’s arms, who slung him over his shoulder.
You had been missing a crucial part of you, the one where you and Saeyoung had finally got to be together, spend sunny mornings laying in bed, laughing over the dumbest of things. Cooking breakfast, going on walks, sloppily kissing each other every moment you could. His bunker felt familiar but the memories of you and him had vanished. You took a deep breath as you stepped in after Saeyoung. A small tear cascading down your cheek.
Saeyoung disappeared down a dimly lit hallway as you took everything in. You gently touched everything that your eyes could see. Everything that you came to know all too well. Although it had been ages since you last had stepped foot inside the bunker, you tried to consume the visuals all at once. Anything to regain what you had been missing. You walked over to the couch, sinking into it. How was any of this possible you questioned again. It had to be something, anything that you could explain. But any reasoning led to your mind going fuzzy, it hurt to even try and fathom an answer.
While you were alone to tend to your thoughts, Saeyoung had managed to get Saeran into his spare bedroom. He wasn't awake, but the moment he was, all hell would break loose. Saeyoung knew this already and he had done the best he could. He even handcuffed him to the bed to keep him somewhat restrained. He wasn't himself and Saeyoung could tell he had lost that part of him a long time ago. He just didn’t know how or why.
Returning back to the living room, he found you curled up in a ball, his expression dropping the moment he saw your face, he could tell you were having a hard time being here. He sat down on the couch, gently pulling your tired body into his lap, your legs falling on either side of his, your chest resting gently against him. You sighed.
“This is hard.” You felt uneasy, and you weren’t sure if it was the fact that you had lived for what felt like eternity in a time loop or that you were here right now, with someone you loved more than anything in the world. “Seeing all this. How does one just get to decide what memories we do or don’t forget. Why can’t I remember the party? Or leaving Rika’s apartment?” You were frustrated above it all.
“Maybe we’re protecting ourselves?” He suggested. “What happened, whatever we were drugged with, there’s no other explanation… Maybe we knew our most precious memories could be stolen too. Maybe we subconsciously found a way to hide them. At least till we knew they were safe…”
You knew all of this was crazy, but you couldn’t disagree with his words. It made perfect sense why the best parts of you and him had been the ones to suspiciously disappear. You give Saeyoung a small nod, giving yourself a moment to think.
“Where’s Saeran?” You finally asked.
“I hate to do this to him. He’s in the spare room down the hall, but I had to hand-cuff him to the bed. You know he’d be out the window in a split second if I didn’t. I wish I could talk to him, understand what happened, but I don’t think he’s going to ever be the same…”
“I won’t let him disappear. I know how much you love him, I can’t imagine how hard it was seeing him this morning. You are stronger than you know, Saeyoung. I promise we will figure this out. Together.”