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It was a secret that Lisa had never told anyone: she hadn't had a full night's sleep since her wife died.
The weeks after Becky's death were spent in an endless, interminable night that offered no rest – in her bed, she comforted Betsy as she sobbed against her chest, then was unable to sleep even after her daughter had cried herself to sleep. Dawn would break eventually, and Lisa would get up, drink as much coffee as she could stomach and go to work. She caught snatches of sleep in strange places – on the sofa after work, at her desk, in her car on her break – but never in her bed. Never in the bed where her wife had once slept.
As the weeks bled into months, nothing got better. The grief she felt was dulled by the heavy fog of exhaustion, only coming into sharp relief by a cutting remark from Betsy about what an awful Mum she was, or after some mistake she made at work that left her feeling wounded and pathetic. One night, after a particularly bad stretch of sleeplessness, Lisa had fallen asleep on the sofa, only to awake into a panic attack from a nightmare - a vision of Becky's body smeared on the road, broken and bloodied, glassy eyes staring up at the uncaring stars.
After that, sleep, something she'd been trying to find, became something she was desperate to avoid, because any loss of consciousness inevitably led back to that nightmare. It wasn't always Becky, sometimes it was Betsy, her small body dashed on the tarmac, her curls more blood than blonde, and Lisa unable to make it to her before her chest stilled and the light left her eyes. The day she'd broken down crying in her car, when Carla had sat beside her, Lisa had been running on three hours sleep, and that night it was Carla's body she dreamt about, dead and cold on the road.
After nearly three years of it, Lisa had gotten good at surviving on little sleep. Caffeine was an answer, and she went through her day clutching her coffee cup like it kept her tethered to the ground. Any resulting headaches could be handled by the pain medication she kept in her coat pocket, and alcohol took the edge off in the evening. She'd stopped trying to find a solution to her problem, and instead resigned herself to the sleeplessness, the same way she'd resigned herself to everything else in her life: a daughter who hated her, a job that didn't love her back and a life alone that stretched endlessly before her.
The bright spot in the past few months had been her friendship with Carla. Sharp, wonderful Carla, who was equal parts scary and loving, who saw right through every excuse Lisa came up with and told her firmly that those sorts of things wouldn't work with her. So, when Carla had texted that they were going to the cinema that night, who was Lisa to argue?
“What did you get us tickets for?” Lisa hummed, as Carla pulled up to the cinema and started to look for a parking space.
“Oh, some romance thing. It's got a hunky guy -”
Lisa must have made a face, because Carla burst out laughing.
“I'm joking! Your face - as if I'd entice you to a movie with the promise of a hunky guy.” Carla grinned. “It's that new Knives Out movie - I know you love movies where you can work out who the murderer is before the detective does. I guess Daniel Craig is quite hunky -”
“I wouldn't know.” Lisa said, and Carla laughed, and Lisa couldn't help but smile. “What time does it start?”
“Oh, ten minutes ago? But they play trailers for ages -”
They'd barely parked up before Lisa was out the car, running around to grab Carla's hand to tug her inside, Carla laughing the whole time. They had just made it to their seats when the trailers ended, and Carla leant over to whisper in her ear. “I knew we'd make it!”
As the movie started, a problem became immediately obvious: a long day at work, a sleepless night the night before, a dark room, and Carla, who always found some reason to be touching her, which left her feeling warm and safe. Lisa stifled a yawn and settled in her chair.
“Lisa?”
Lisa blinked.
“Darling? Lisa, darling, we have to go.” Carla said softly, and Lisa felt she was rubbing her shoulder, and she sat up to realise the cinema lights were up and the whole place was empty, apart from the employee who was sweeping the aisles three rows down.
“I'm so sorry.” Lisa flushed. “I don't – how long was I asleep for?”
“You were spark out before anyone was even murdered.” Carla said, a grin on her face, before her smile softened. “Tough day?”
“Sort of. I – uh – well, I've been struggling to sleep.”
“Recently?” Carla asked, and Lisa shrank back.
“For a while now.” Lisa admitted, as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes. She wasn't sure how Carla seemed to entice her into spilling all her deepest secrets.
“I get that.” Carla offered. “After Peter left – took me ages to be able to fall asleep on my own again. I can't imagine how hard it is for you.”
Of course, Carla had worked out the real reason for her sleepless nights immediately.
“Yeah.” Lisa bit her lip. “It's been three years and I still... I still find it impossible.”
“Look, feel free to tell me to wind my neck in, but – well, you just slept for two hours on my shoulder. Would it help if I came over, so you had someone to fall asleep with?” Carla said softly.
“I couldn't ask that of you -”
“It's no trouble – or you could come to mine, and we could have a sleepover?” Carla said. “I'd get a movie, popcorn, the whole nine yards.”
“It's okay, Carla.” Lisa said stiffly. “I'm sorry I wasted your money. Let's go.”
Carla looked like she was about to say something, but appeared to think better of it and nodded instead. “Okay. I'll drop you home. Are you hungry? We could go get some tea?”
“No, uh, I'm okay, I should be getting back for Betsy.” Lisa said. “I gave her money for pizza, hopefully she's saved me some.”
They didn't speak much on the way home, Carla content to let the radio hum, and Lisa a little out of sorts from her impromptu evening nap. When she opened her door, she found the house was empty and dark, a note from Betsy on the counter, saying she was out with friends, and she'd be back in the morning. The pizza money was gone, but there was no pizza.
Lisa sighed. At least she'd left a note this time saying where she was, saving Lisa from a night driving around to her usual haunts to find her daughter. After a dinner of cheese, olives and some slightly stale biscuits, Lisa dragged herself to bed, and hoped, somewhat naively, that her earlier nap would encourage her body into a deep and dreamless sleep.
///
It was dark, it was raining.
(No, it wasn't – the blood pooled on the pavement; the rain would have washed it away. It wasn't raining.)
It was freezing cold. December 8th. The night was clear, the stars were out, and Lisa stood in the rain, and looked at her wife, spread on her back, eyes cold and unseeing.
(No, the crime scene photos showed her curled in a heap, face obscured. Lisa had seen them enough to know what it looked like, the shapes and colours etched on her retinas, she knew the shape of her wife's dead body better than she knew her own name.)
“I'm so sorry, Becks, I'm so sorry.” Lisa sobbed. “I know it should have been me, I know it should have -”
“Mum!” It was a scream, a strangled sound somewhere in the distance, the sob of a wild animal, a girl who'd just lost her Mum, screaming at an uncaring world against the chest of her only remaining parent. “Not my Mum, please -”
“Betsy -”
Lisa flung awake, sitting up violently, her breaths coming in short gasps. She turned, scrabbling in the empty bed, her hands clutching at the sheets.
Becky was dead, Becky was dead, Becky was -
Her phone was in her hand, and it lit up, a text from Carla from hours ago on the screen.
> I had a good time tonight, no idea I was such a comfy pillow! If you want to watch the movie again, give me a bell, I've got Netflix. I won't even spoil who the murderer is. Sleep well x
Lisa clicked on her number, as if it was an instinct rather than a thought, and the sound rang out in her empty bedroom. Carla picked up after three rings.
“Hello?” Her voice came down the phone, groggy from sleep, and Lisa's breathing picked up.
“Carla? Please – please help me -”
“Breathe, Lisa. What's the matter? Is it Betsy?”
“Could you come over?” Lisa said, her voice shaking. “I – I had a nightmare and now – I can't close my eyes -”
“Oh, baby, of course. Give me two minutes.” Carla said, and Lisa felt her heart clench at the pet name. “Do you want me to stay on the line whilst I drive?”
“No, it's okay.” Lisa mumbled. “I'll see you in a minute then.”
After she’d hung up the phone, embarrassment and shame effectively cured Lisa of her panic attack, and she considered calling Carla again to tell her to turn around, but by the time she’d worked up the courage, there was a knock at the door. When she opened it, Carla was stood there, hair half up in a messy bun, a coat thrown over her trackies, her face free of make-up, and Lisa didn’t know what to say.
“Can I come in?” Carla said, and Lisa bit her lip.
“I’m okay, sorry, Carla, I shouldn’t have called -”
“Do you want a brew?”
Lisa raised an eyebrow. “Shouldn’t I be offering you one?”
“You’ve had a shock, you need one.” Carla said, and stepped inside, heading towards the kitchen as if she owned the place, and Lisa followed limply. She sat at her kitchen table as Carla boiled the kettle, put the teabags in the mugs, and gave Lisa an extra scoop of sugar. She put it down in front of her, then sat down with her own mug in front of her, and they drank in silence.
“It’s okay.” Lisa said softly. “It’s a nightmare I’ve had before. It just – it freaked me out. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called.”
“You can call me anytime, for any reason.” Carla said and put her mug down. “Is that why you haven’t been sleeping?”
“Yeah. Maybe. I think it’s a lot of things.” Lisa mumbled. This felt like the therapy session she’d refused to participate in when Becky had died.
“Would it help if I stayed tonight?”
“I can’t ask you to do that -”
“You’re not asking, I’m offering.” Carla said firmly, and Lisa felt tears on her lashes, and before she could wipe them away, Carla’s hand was on her cheek, catching the tears with her thumb. “Please?”
“Okay.” Lisa said, her voice wobbly.
“I can read, if you like? Like a live audiobook. They always help me sleep.” Carla said, a smile on her face. “I loved a good audiobook when I was in hospital, Roy brought me his old discman and every audiobook CD the library had.”
“When you were in hospital?”
“I had a kidney transplant a few years ago.” Carla said. “A lot of time in bed.”
“Oh, right.” Lisa said, lost for words. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Carla said. “Have you got a book?”
“I'm not really reading anything at the moment.”
“I've got one – it's just a romance, Ryan got it for me for my birthday -” Carla hummed, as she pulled the book out her bag. “It’s good though, should do the trick.”
They finished their tea in silence, and Lisa put the mugs in the dishwasher before she turned and ascended the stairs. She made her way to bed and got in gingerly, as Carla tugged her hoodie off, a faded Underworld logo t-shirt underneath, then slipped in beside her. Only lit by the light of the bedside lamp, Carla looked so beautiful, soft eyes heavy with sleep.
“Okay, get comfy. Don't overthink it. You're safe, okay? I'm here.” Carla said softly.
Lisa nodded, trying not to look as panicked as she felt at the prospect of sharing her bed with another adult for the first time in three years – and it was Carla, her best friend, who was totally gorgeous and definitely straight. Sometimes Lisa caught herself staring – Carla, cheeks pink from wine as she told her about her day in the pub, Carla, with her brow furrowed in concentration at her desk, Carla half asleep in Roy's, stifling yawns as she waited for her coffee. Lisa knew she needed to quash those thoughts, there was no way she would ruin what she had with Carla with her pathetic crush, and she still didn’t feel ready, not ready to open herself up to loving someone again after Becky’s death had ruined her so completely. She lay down, as Carla opened her book, and although they weren’t touching, she could feel the warmth emanating from her.
“Chapter one -”
///
When Lisa woke up the next morning, it was slowly, and oh so gently. Someone was stroking her hair.
“Morning,” came a voice. Becky? No, it couldn’t be -
“Carla?” She mumbled and blinked her eyes open. Carla was laying opposite her, gently running her fingers through her hair.
“Morning, love. It’s seven, and I don’t know what time you have to work, but I thought you might need to get up?”
“Seven?” Lisa said, and sat up fast, running her hand through her hair, as Carla sat up next to her. “Seriously? I haven’t slept past five for ages. I’m going to be so late -”
“Woah, slow your roll - what time do you actually start today?”
“Nine, but – I normally get there at seven.”
“Then go in for nine.” Carla said, as if it was obvious. “They won’t miss you if you take one easy morning.”
“Maybe.” Lisa said. “I - I slept through?”
“Yeah, you did, barely lasted through a chapter.”
“Do you have to get to the factory?” Lisa bit her lip, desperate to keep Carla for just a little bit longer, her promise to quash her feelings a distant memory now.
“I’m the boss, I can go in when I want.” Carla said, a smile forming on her face.
“Well - would you like some breakfast then?”
It felt awfully domestic, as Lisa cooked and Carla sat at the kitchen table, giving her the lowdown from the stitcher’s WhatsApp chat, an apparent fountain of gossip.
“Nothing about you in there?” Lisa hummed, as she put the bread in the toaster.
“Oh, they wouldn’t dare.” Carla snorted. “Actually, I know they have a secret chat just for gossiping about me, but they need an outlet for that, or they’ll stage a revolution or summat.”
“You can’t be having that.” Lisa said, a smile on her face. She seemed to be smiling a lot more recently, with Carla in her life. “Poached eggs okay?”
“You can poach eggs?”
“It’s not that hard. I can teach you.”
“I can’t even boil an egg, poaching is way above me.” Carla said, as she leant back in the dining chair. “My cooking is abysmal.”
“Is that why you’re in Roy’s so much?” Lisa hummed, as she focused on swirling the water and cracking the eggshell.
“Oh, yeah, I really played the long game befriending Roy, it was all a ploy to get a decent bacon sarnie every day.” Carla grinned. “Do you think you can compete?”
“Not a chance! I wouldn’t dare.” Lisa said.
A few minutes later, the poached eggs, toast and a few slices of bacon were plated, and they sat down to eat. It wasn’t long before Carla brought up the reason for her overnight stop, and Lisa sighed.
“I've tried all the tips, I promise - chamomile tea, ovaltine, no screens before bed - then when that didn’t work, I did the wordle every day for eight months. Nothing helps. I used to watch TV on the sofa until I fell asleep to a Morse omnibus, but Betsy found me one night and I had to lie and say it was a one-time thing. Now I stay up and work on cold cases.”
“Does it work?” Carla raised an eyebrow.
“Well, I solved the murder of a bus driver in 1992, I actually won an award for that -”
“I meant: does it help you sleep?”
“No.” Lisa said, her voice softening. “Nothing does.”
“But you slept just fine last night. I came over at – what, eleven? And you slept through until seven. That's a full eight hours.” Carla said softly, her breakfast forgotten. “What if I came over for a few more nights?”
“Carla, I can't ask you -” Lisa bit her lip.
“Yes you can. Just 'til you get back on an even keel, right?” Carla said and bumped their shoulders together. “Besides, I'm not up to anything, and I've got no one to go home to. Benefits of being divorced.”
“Won't Ryan miss you?”
“Are you kidding? He'll love having the place to himself. Can't really host a house party with your Aunty moping on the sofa, eating olives and watching Location, Location, Location.” Carla said, then clicked her fingers. “Actually, you don't need me, just put that on, you'll be asleep before the second Location.”
Lisa couldn't help but laugh. “You think I haven't tried that? I've probably seen every episode.”
“Worth a try.” Carla said. “Okay, so – do you want to come over to mine tonight? Or I'll come here?”
“Could you come here? I think Betsy will be out again – if she's not, I'll text.” Lisa said. “If you get a better offer though – I won't be offended.”
“I don't think there's a better offer going, is there? A cuddle and a sleepover with one of Weatherfield's best detectives?” Carla said. “Actually, I think you're the only detective I'd like a cuddle with. Kit must be terrible, he's all long and bony. I bet his feet hang off the end of the bed.”
Lisa giggled. “Oh, don't put that image in my head! I don't want to imagine my colleagues in bed -”
“Well, he's shaking up with Sarah, so that’s an image in my mind too!” Carla said, and they both dissolved into laughter.
///
“Uh, what time do you call this?”
Carla cringed, and turned to see Ryan, stood in her living room, a shit-eating grin on his face. This felt like a walk of shame, even though nothing had happened - Carla was pretty sure the previous night was the most intimate night she’d had in years. She dropped down onto the sofa, and Ryan sat down next to her.
“And here I was thinking you just went to the cinema with Lisa, but I guess you were out all night!” Ryan said, wiggling his eyebrows.
“Stop it! It wasn’t like that!”
“Did you stay over? Did you finally tell her how you feel?”
Months ago, in a moment of slightly tipsy madness, Carla had confessed to Ryan that she had a crush on her best friend, and Ryan had been her biggest cheerleader ever since, trying and failing to get her to tell Lisa how she felt. Carla, known at the best of times for being a stubborn cow, had dug her heels in - it had taken so long for Lisa to open up to being friends, and she wasn’t about to ruin that with her big stupid feelings.
“No.” Carla said indignantly, then her voice softened. “We did go to the cinema, but Lisa fell asleep on me two minutes in, and I had to wake her up when it was all over.”
It had felt both wonderful and terrible, the warm, soft weight of Lisa on her shoulder, her hair tickling her cheek and Carla couldn’t focus on the movie, her whole mind consumed by not moving so Lisa wouldn’t wake.
“Oh, right. Tough day?”
“She told me... well, since her wife died, she hasn’t been sleeping well.” Carla bit her lip. That as the other part of why she wouldn’t confess her feelings – Lisa had been hurt so deeply, so completely by the loss of her wife, Carla knew she could only be a pale imitation, and Lisa deserved better than that. “I dropped her home, but then she rang later, upset, and I said I’d go round. I slept in her bed so she could get a good night’s sleep.”
Ryan was looking at her, eyes wide, and Carla buried her face in her hands.
“Oh, Carla...”
“Shut up. I know.” Carla looked at her lap. “I said I’d go back tonight?”
“Let me get this right – you're going back over tonight to cuddle with her? The woman you've had a crush on basically since you met her?”
“Yes.”
“A platonic cuddle.”
“Those exist, Ryan.” Carla huffed.
“Oh, and you're not going to come home and be all over the place?”
“No, I'm a grown-up, I can handle this.”
“When are you coming back?”
“I'm kind of planning to stay all night?”
“Oh, Aunty Carla -”
“Don't use that tone with me!”
“What tone?!”
“The 'you're making a big mistake' tone!” Carla pointed at him. “I know what I'm doing.”
Ryan held his hands up. “Fine. I'm shutting up. What are you up to today?”
“Uh – well – I’m going into town. I need to buy new pyjamas.” Carla blushed.
“To impress the woman you’re having a platonic cuddle with?”
“I said to stop using that tone!”
Ryan held his hands up. “Fine! I’m zipping it. Do you want a brew?”
Carla nodded. Maybe this was a bad idea, maybe it was an awful, terrible idea, maybe waking up next to Lisa, her blonde hair like a halo on the pillow, her cheeks pink and eyelashes fluttering as she slowly awoke had left Carla aching and lovelorn, but she knew she couldn’t leave Lisa to another night of sleeplessness. If Lisa needed a platonic cuddle, then that's what Carla would do, her own feelings be damned.
///
When Betsy proclaimed she was going to a party that night, Lisa hated how relieved she felt, and as soon as her daughter had left – after promising not to do anything that would get the police called on them – Lisa texted Carla, then panicked and cleaned her whole house. She’d just finished using the hoover when there was a knock at the door, and Lisa bounded over to open it.
“Hi.” Carla said brightly. She was more put together than the previous night, still in her day clothes, with a bag slung over her shoulder. “Got my overnight bag.” She explained, a little awkwardly, as she came in and set it on the table. “New pyjamas, toothbrush, a book, a sudoku book – Roy lent me that, actually -”
“You bought new pyjamas?” Lisa raised an eyebrow.
“Well, uh, I normally sleep in something too small and lacy for a friendly sleepover.” Carla said sheepishly, and Lisa’s brain short-circuited. “But you know me, any excuse to go shopping.”
“Oh, well, you'll have to put up with my ratty old pyjamas.” Lisa said, trying to hide her blush. “Do you – uh – do you need anything else?”
“I did bring my pillow too.” Carla said tentatively. “It's in the car. Didn't know if that was weird. Not saying your pillows are bad, but I realised after forty if I use a bad pillow, I can't move my neck the next day.”
“Oh, really? No, go ahead and get it, didn't know I was having a sleepover with a geriatric.” Lisa grinned, and the tension was broken.
“Don't think I won't hit you with it! And it's proper dense, it's memory foam.” Carla said, a smile on her face. “I'll go get it - oh, and I bought a bottle of wine, so go put something on the TV and we can settle in.”
“Yes ma'am.” Lisa said.
They’d barely gotten halfway through the movie when Carla turned it off and stated they needed to go to bed, as Lisa was fighting for her life to not fall asleep against her shoulder. By midnight, however, she was wide awake, staring at the ceiling, Carla fast asleep next to her.
So much for Carla helping her sleep, she thought bitterly, as she rolled over.
It was still strange to see someone lying next to her. Carla looked just as beautiful asleep, more so even, the stress gone from her brow, face free of make-up, the sheen of her nighttime moisturiser on her skin. She blinked, and Lisa’s eyes shot back up to the ceiling, desperately hoping she hadn’t been caught staring.
“You awake?” Carla mumbled.
“Yeah. Sorry.”
“S’okay. C’mere.” Carla said, and snuggled in to her, her arm moving around her middle to hold her close. Lisa felt herself suddenly light, as if she might float away, pressed against Carla.
“Soft.” Carla mumbled, and Lisa couldn’t help but laugh.
“You’re used to men, darling.”
“Soft is better.” Carla yawned, and Lisa tried not to take it to heart.
///
Betsy ended up staying away most of the weekend, arriving back bleary eyed on Sunday evening, which meant Carla could stay another day. On Sunday, she’d called instead, and Lisa had fallen asleep with her phone clutched in her hand, her sleep free of nightmares.
By Monday morning, Lisa was practically skipping into work. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt so rested, so happy and so clear-headed. It felt like the clouds had cleared – she ate a real breakfast, didn't need a third cup of coffee before 10AM, and had all her paperwork sorted before lunchtime.
“What's gotten into you?” Kit said, and Lisa looked over at him from her mug of green tea.
“What?”
“Did you get laid or summat?”
Lisa glowered at him, and Kit held his hands up. “Only joking.”
“You can shut your mouth, or I can shut it for you.” Lisa said, her tone biting. “Right. I’m going for lunch.”
“It’s eleven thirty -”
“Do you have anything else you’d like to comment on, Kit? No? Well maybe do some work for a change.” She said, then grabbed her coat and left, not waiting for a response.
Outside, she checked her phone to find a text from Carla.
>Is it a crime to strangle an employee
She snorted.
>Almost definitely
>I’m on lunch, should I be coming over to arrest you? Or would you prefer a sandwich? X
The reply came through almost immediately.
>Sandwich please x
After procuring sandwiches from Roy's – one for Betsy too, who would undoubtedly complain if she didn’t get one – she arrived at the factory. She deposited Betsy’s sandwich at her desk, her teenager jumping after being caught on her phone, before she made her way to the office.
“I don’t see any dead bodies?”
Carla looked up, and the worry wrinkle on her forehead disappeared as she smiled up at her.
“I held off, I think I make better decisions after I’ve eaten.” Carla said. “And I think strangling Kirk because he took the Stockport Delivery to Stockton on Tees is a decision I should make on a full stomach.”
“Please don’t do that, arresting you would mean loads of paperwork.” Lisa hummed, as she sat down in her usual chair. “I got you hummus and roasted veg.”
“Ooh, posh. What did you get?” Carla said, as she put down her pen and reached out for the paper bag.
“Bacon and egg.”
“Be careful you don’t get it down yourself, you can’t arrest me with egg on your shirt.” Carla said. “You okay? This is an early lunch for you.”
“Kit pissed me off.” Lisa sighed. “He said I looked a lot happier, then asked if I got laid at the weekend.”
“What a git! Can you report him?” Carla said, affronted, and Lisa looked at her.
“He said it was a joke -”
“I bet he wouldn't have said that to any blokes in your office! And you're his superior, right? He should treat you with some respect.” Carla said, eyebrows furrowed. “What did you say to him?”
“I didn't tell him the truth, obviously, that's so embarrassing.” Lisa said and felt herself blush. “I told him if he didn't shut his mouth I'd shut it for him.”
“Good.” Carla said. “Well, you deserve an extra-long lunch break for putting up with that prick.”
The door flew open, and Betsy was stood there, eyes bright. “Carla! The ice cream van’s pulled up, can we go?”
Carla stood up, and Lisa turned to see through the glass walls of the office that all the staff were stood up, looking in eagerly.
“Seriously? Are you all toddlers?” Carla said, and Betsy shrugged.
“I mean, we’ve all been working really hard, me especially, and you’re just gabbing with my Mum -”
“Fine.” Carla sighed, then raised her voice. “Early lunch, everyone!”
There were cheers, and Lisa couldn't help but laugh, as Betsy rushed out the door.
“Has anyone told you that you're a soft touch?” Lisa hummed.
“No, I'm not! I just fancied an ice cream.” Carla said, affronted. “I could never be a soft touch!”
In the end, Lisa spent her lunchbreak outside with all the factory staff, all sat around on the forecourt, eating her ninety-nine, her daughter next to her, talking a mile a minute, eating her giant double-flake ice cream, with Carla on her other side, eating her dark-chocolate magnum in the most elegant way anyone had ever done.
///
It had been a week since their last cuddle, and whilst Carla had still called Lisa every night to try and help her go to sleep, it clearly wasn’t working as well as her physical presence, so when Lisa texted that Betsy was spending her weekend at Sabrina’s house, Carla packed her bag, picked up a takeaway, and was over at Lisa’s house twenty minutes after Betsy left.
When she awoke the next day, Lisa was still asleep, curled towards her, and Carla could have watched her all morning, but her need to go to the bathroom won out in the end. After she’d finished and gotten dressed, Carla decided some breakfast in bed might do Lisa some good, and it would give her an excuse to stick around for a lazy Saturday. As she made her way down the stairs, Carla felt her heart jump as she noticed a shape on the sofa – the shape sat up, and her eyes met the surprised gaze of a bleary-eyed Betsy.
“Carla?”
“Betsy?”
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Betsy said, her surprise now turned to anger.
“This isn't what it looks like -” Carla started, well aware of what it looked like, and Betsy just glared at her.
“What the fuck is it then? Because it looks like you've just got out of my Mum’s bed -”
“I have, but -”
“Oh, I don't want to hear this -” Betsy said, and stood up, heading for the door, but Carla got there first.
“Betsy, stop. Sit down. Hear me out. This isn't what it looks like.” Carla said firmly, using her ‘boss’ voice, and Betsy hesitated a second before she sat down.
“Fine.” Betsy said and crossed her arms. “This better be good.”
“Okay, well -” Carla blew out a breath. “I'm not seeing your Mam, we're just friends. I promise, if we were more than that, we would tell you.”
Betsy looked at her. “So why are you here then?”
“Lisa – well – I guess you've noticed she doesn't sleep well? When we went to the cinema few weeks ago and she spent the whole time asleep on me.” Carla said. “After sleeping next to someone for a long time, it's hard to adjust to sleeping without them.”
“Oh. Right.” Betsy looked at her lap, the tension dissipating a bit from her shoulders.
“When you lose a partner, it can … it's hard in the big ways, but small ones too. When I lost Paul, my first husband - I'd never paid the car insurance before, and I forgot. Got hauled up in court and had to pay a fine.” Carla said softly. “Sleeping alone is another one.”
“So - you're just friends?”
“Yeah, we are.” Carla said, ignoring the pang of sadness in her chest. “I know this - this is an impossible situation, and I just want to be here for her - for you both. I know it's not conventional, but -”
“Do you also miss sharing a bed with someone? After Peter left?” Betsy looked up at her, and Carla nodded.
“He snored. It's too quiet now.”
“Mum snores sometimes, so you'll be right at home.” Betsy said, a smile on her face, before it dropped. “I - uh - for like, a year after Mum died, I slept in their bed. I had horrible nightmares, and I was terrified I'd wake up to find Mum dead beside me. The snoring helped, 'cause I knew she was alive. We'd have a full shouting match in the day and I'd be so angry, then I still couldn't sleep in my own bed at night.” Betsy swallowed. “I stopped when we moved. Do you think she's not been sleeping properly since then?”
“Maybe. I'm not saying it will be okay again – something like this never truly does – but some parts of it will.” Carla said, then cleared her throat. “Look, whilst I'm here – I was planning to go to Roy's to get some breakfast, do you want something? My treat.”
Betsy brightened. “Sure. For Mum too?”
“Of course.” Carla said. “Text me what you want, I’ll be back in twenty – and drink some water for that hangover.”
“Not hungover, I was studying.” Betsy said, a cheeky grin on her face, and Carla laughed.
“What on earth were you studying to end up coming home like that? Good thing I’m off to get a bacon roll and a strong black coffee, ey?”
“You’re a lifesaver.” Betsy sighed.
///
When Lisa awoke, she knew she was alone before she even opened her eyes. She tried not to be too disappointed – maybe Carla had some kind of emergency at the factory, or maybe she realised she could do better than a friend who needed a cuddle to fall asleep – but she couldn’t help it, Carla’s warm and steady presence was something she wanted to wake up to and be around for as long as possible. When she checked her phone, Lisa realised it was almost ten in the morning, and she sat up at a knock on the door.
“Hello?”
“It’s me.” Betsy pushed open the door, and Lisa’s eyes widened. Had she seen Carla leave?
“What are you doing here?”
“I live here?” Betsy raised an eyebrow. “Did you forget?”
“I thought you were out?”
“Came home last night.” Betsy said, and Lisa’s stomach plummeted. “I saw – well, I saw Carla just now. I know.”
“Uh - know what?”
“I know you’ve been sneaking her in here so you guys can sleep together -”
“Not like that!” Lisa said, alarmed, but Betsy shook her head and sat on the end of the bed.
“No, Carla said it’s like – platonic, or summat. She explained that it helps, to sleep beside someone after you’re used to doing it.” Betsy looked at her. “I know you don’t sleep well. Or, like, at all.”
Lisa felt her chest constrict – she thought she’d done a good job of hiding it.
“And I know – I mean it’s not healthy, is it? You get really bad headaches all the time and I don’t think I’ve seen you without a cup of coffee since Mum died. So... if it helps, I guess it’s a good thing.”
“I'm sorry I didn’t tell you she was here.” Lisa said softly. “I didn’t know how to explain it. I thought you were out all night?”
“I was, but – well, Talia chucked up and her Mum came and got us. I was dead on my feet so I fell asleep on the sofa.”
“I thought you went to Sabrina’s to study?”
“Studying can totally make you sick!”
“Okay, well, the next time you’re ... studying, and you need me to come and get you, give me a call, day or night. I’ll always come and get you.” Lisa said, and Betsy’s expression softened.
“Thanks, Mum.” She said. “Or Carla, right? ‘Cause you can bring her over whenever, you don’t need to sneak her in anymore, or wait ‘til I’m out.”
“This won’t - I mean it won’t be every night, we can still spend time together -”
“I know.” Betsy said. “C’mon, get dressed, Carla’s probably on her way back now, we should eat it whilst it’s still hot.”
“Carla’s coming back?”
“Yeah, she went to get breakfast from Roy’s - I said she should get you egg and bacon, is that okay?”
“It’s perfect.” Lisa said, then reached out to squeeze her daughter’s hand. “Thank you, Betsy.”
“No problem.” Betsy said softly, and squeezed it back.
///
Carla hadn’t really intended it to be an every night sort of thing, but after the last time she’d spent the night at her own place, Lisa had come to visit the factory the next day, face pale, a cup of coffee clutched in her hand, and she’d admitted she hadn’t slept a wink and was feeling awful, and Carla knew then she would never let Lisa feel that way again if she could help it.
It became her routine: Carla would leave the factory and head straight to the Swain’s house, either picking up a takeaway or ingredients for tea on the way, and then she would spend the evening cuddling on the sofa with Lisa, either watching TV or reading side by side. Betsy joined them some nights, lounging on the armchair on her phone, and Carla learnt she was just as competitive as her Mum when watching quiz shows, and loved making wild suggestions for who the murderer could be when they watched Morse or Vera, which caused Lisa to make an outraged noise and launch into an explanation for who the real murderer must be. The two of them even started hanging out even more outside the house, going for dinner on nights when Betsy was at a friend's house, or to the pub, especially when Ryan was working, so he could sit with them on his breaks and he could stop complaining that he felt abandoned by his Aunty.
It had been a normal evening – a little quieter, as Betsy was staying with a friend – but they’d gone to bed early, as Lisa was exhausted from chasing a suspect across half of Weatherfield. That left Carla awake at 8:30PM, sat up in Lisa’s bed, reading her book, Lisa fast asleep next to her, pressed against her side.
It felt like they were dating. It felt more than that, somehow, and Carla wished she could describe it, the way she felt so safe and at peace in Lisa’s bedroom, the rain thrumming against the window, her best friend curled up next to her, not an inch of space between them.
Carla had just gotten back into her book when she heard a whine, and she looked back down at Lisa to see her normally peaceful expression was twisted in pain, and her hand formed a fist around Carla’s pyjamas trousers, then she whined again, the sound more like a sob. Her book was immediately discarded, and Carla moved her hand to Lisa’s hair - when Lisa really couldn’t sleep, after a particularly stressful day or an argument with Betsy, Carla would stroke her hair as Lisa laid her head in her lap, until she was pliant and boneless and finally ready to sleep.
“Lise? Darling, you’re okay.” Carla soothed.
Lisa whimpered, and Carla felt her heart break, because she had once described to her the nightmare she always had, and Carla hated to think that she was reliving her wife’s death over and over again. She ran her hands through her soft blonde hair and hoped the rhythm would send Lisa back to sleep, but it didn’t seem to be working – Lisa made another noise, muffled as she pressed her face into Carla’s leg and gripped even tighter to the fabric.
“You’re okay, sweetheart – it's not real. It’s not real.” Carla said softly. “C’mon, Lise, wake up for me, okay? Come back to me.”
Lisa awoke with a start, her eyes flying open, and she sobbed, trying to hide her face in the material of her pyjamas.
“Oh, baby, c’mere, you’re okay -” Carla said, as she kept her hand in Lisa’s hair. “Breathe, okay? Just breathe.”
After a few minutes, Lisa seemed to regain her senses, and she let go slowly, then sat up, rubbing her cheeks free of tears, and pulled her knees up to her chest. “Sorry.” She mumbled. Her cheeks were pink from crying, and so was the end of her nose. “Carla, I’m so sorry -”
“What are you sorry for?”
“I - I cried on you, I’ve probably made your pyjamas all gross -”
“Lise, it’s fine.” Carla soothed. “I don’t care about that, I just care that you’re okay.”
Lisa nodded, and rested her head on her knees, her fine hair falling down around her face.
“Was it the nightmare?” Carla broached, and Lisa nodded slowly.
“Betsy this time.” She said, her voice soft and far away. “I always stayed awake on nights she wasn’t here - I was terrified I’d miss a call, if she got hurt or was in danger. I missed the call when Becky died, because I’d passed out drunk. I can’t let that happen again.”
“Betsy’s fine, I promise.” Carla said. “You dropped her off at Sabrina’s house, right? And Sabrina’s Mum was there? She even blagged twenty quid off of me and I made her promise me it really was just for pizza and not for booze, so I think that’s as sure as you can be.”
Lisa smiled, soft and a little wobbly. “You didn’t have to give her any money.”
“She’s been doing really well at the factory, she deserves it.” Carla said softly. “And she’s a good kid. Most of the time.”
“Most of the time.” Lisa echoed. “I don’t ... I don’t know if I’m going to be able to go back to sleep. I can’t, not normally after I’ve had a dream like that, so ... if you want, you can go home.”
Carla could recognise from a mile away when Lisa panicked after she felt she’d been too honest and open with her. Normally, she’d try to run or to push Carla away, and Carla was having none of it.
“You’re alright, I’m comfy now.” She said. “Will you try to sleep? For me? Or at least lay down.”
Lisa bit her lip, and it looked like she might argue, but she seemed to think better of it, and nodded.
“Okay, let me just -” Carla shimmied out of her pyjama bottoms – the damp part from Lisa’s tears was getting uncomfortable – and kicked them out the bed. “You don’t mind if I’m just in my knickers? I didn’t bring spare.”
“Uh, no, that’s fine.” Lisa said, her cheeks reddening slightly.
“Right, c’mon then, let’s have a cuddle.” Carla said softly, and they both laid down, fitting together like they were made for each other, legs tangling together and Lisa’s head on her chest, as Carla’s hand came up to hold her in place and to play with the ends of her hair.
“Sorry.” Lisa mumbled, and Carla could feel her breath on her neck.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, darling.”
“I cried on you -”
“Nothing at all, I promise.” Carla said softly, and felt Lisa snuggle ever so slightly closer.
///
Lisa couldn’t help but feel needy with Carla.
Before Carla, she’d spent so long only being touched when a suspect got aggressive or the occasional hug from Betsy, which were so rare Lisa could count them on one hand. Now she hardly went a day without being touched – cuddles in bed and on the sofa, holding hands under the table at the pub, Carla fussing over her hair to make sure it was perfect before work, and hugs, so many hugs Lisa had to stop counting – hugs whenever they saw each other and whenever they parted, and sometimes for no reason at all. Carla always seemed to find a way to touch her, even just linking pinky fingers as they walked side by side or a hand on her arm when Lisa came to eat lunch at the factory.
She’d insisted she’d be fine when Carla said she had a late meeting, but then it was 10PM and Lisa was in her soft pyjamas, bundled up in bed, full of pathetic longing for her best friend. It didn’t help that the previous week, Carla had helped her through a nightmare, stroking her hair and holding her as she cried, and it left Lisa even more bereft now they were apart.
Lisa fiddled with her phone. Would it be too much to text?
> would it be okay if you came over after your meeting? no worries if not x
Deleted.
> do you think you could come over after
Deleted.
> would you be able to come over after your meeting? it’s okay if you can’t x
Deleted – no, sent!
Lisa panicked, but the two ticks showed up immediately, so deleting it would look so much worse now that Carla had seen it. The reply came through almost instantly.
> i’ll be over in twenty xx
Nineteen minutes later, Lisa heard the door open – she'd given Carla a key of her own weeks ago – and she heard her come up the stairs, then a soft knock on the bedroom door. Carla pushed it open, and stepped inside with a soft ‘hello.’ She looked very dressed up for a client meeting, Lisa thought, in a slinky black dress and black tights, her hair slightly curled around her shoulders. Carla kicked off her heels and opened the chest of drawers – Lisa had cleared her a drawer when it became silly to keep carting pyjamas back and forth.
“You didn’t have to come, if you were busy.” Lisa said, and stifled a yawn, and Carla shook her head.
“Nah, you totally saved me from -” Carla stopped short, and Lisa raised an eyebrow.
“Saved you from what?”
“Nothing.” Was Carla blushing?
“Was the meeting really boring?” Lisa said as she raised her eyebrow, and Carla sat on the bed and looked at her rather sheepishly.
“Okay, well, full disclosure, I was actually on a date, but -”
Lisa gasped. “Oh, please don't tell me you cut a date short to come give me a cuddle!”
“He was really boring! He was some guy who asked me out at work, and I thought I’d give it a go -” Carla said defensively, but Lisa interrupted her.
“What did you tell him when you left?”
“Told him I needed to take my cat to the vet? I panicked!” Carla bit her lip. “He then started going on and on about how all cats are evil, which honestly put me right off him. I wouldn't want my imaginary cat to deal with that.”
“That does sound pretty off-putting.” Lisa said softly. “But, Carla, what happens when you do meet a bloke you want to date? ‘Oh, sorry, you can't stay over tonight, I need to cuddle my friend so she can sleep at night?’”
“Well, any bloke worth dating would understand that!”
“No, they wouldn't!”
“Okay, how about I buy one of those giant beds they have in America and we all cuddle together?” Carla said, a smile forming on her face.
Lisa wrinkled her nose. “I’m not sharing my bed with a man.”
“Let's not worry about it, okay? We can cross that bridge if we come to it.”
“When, Carla - you'll meet someone again. You're... you. Anyone would be lucky to have you.” Lisa said softly. It was her biggest fear, really, that one day Carla would meet someone and Lisa would lose the closeness she had with her best friend, and have to watch on as someone else got to love Carla in the way Lisa so desperately wanted to.
“I think the only kind of fellas I attract are either horrible or they leave me in the end.” Carla said softly, looking at her lap, before she looked up, eyebrows furrowed. “Or they hate a whole load of animals for no good reason - Nick's got a weird thing about birds, he absolutely hates them.”
“Really? That’s so weird.” Lisa said, then her voice softened. “You'll find someone one day, who's good enough for you. And likes birds.”
I like birds, Lisa thought, before she squashed that thought down.
“I’m not looking for anything at the moment. I’m happy as I am.” Carla said softly, then turned around. “Could - could you help me undo my dress? It’s an absolute nightmare.”
It was a rather abrupt change of subject, but Carla was never keen to open up, so it wasn’t a surprise. Unfortunately, the change left her in a tailspin – Carla had never been one to hide away when getting changed, probably to reassure Lisa that she didn’t feel the need to treat her any differently because she was a lesbian, but it left Lisa averting her eyes like she was a teenager and she’d just been caught looking at a Victoria’s Secret billboard. When Carla had slept in just her knickers after Lisa had the nightmare, she’d awoken to find her legs tangled with Carla’s bare ones, and Lisa felt like she was moments away from having a heart attack.
Lisa pushed down the duvet and knelt behind Carla, who moved her hair to the side to reveal the top of her dress. The zip went down smoothly, and Lisa revealed, inch by inch, the expanse of Carla’s back. If they were more than friends, she could have pressed kisses to every piece of newly revealed skin, but they weren’t, and Lisa had to sit back against the headboard when she was down, and look at her phone as Carla shimmied out of the dress and got into her pyjamas, before she slipped under the covers and snuggled into Lisa’s side.
“You deserve someone amazing, Carla.” Lisa said softly, into the darkness of her quiet room. “Someone really amazing. They’d be so lucky to have you.”
Carla didn’t reply, but just before she fell asleep, Lisa felt the press of a kiss on her forehead.
///
“Carla, when are you gonna start paying rent?”
Carla looked up at Betsy, who was stood in the living room, and she felt Lisa stir from where she was curled up against her, reading her book.
“Betsy!” Lisa admonished, but her daughter didn’t look bothered.
“I'm being serious.” Betsy said, her hands on her hips, a grin on her face. “When did you last go home?”
“I went home yesterday -” Carla started but was soon interrupted.
“For how long?”
Carla blushed – it had only been for twenty minutes so she could pick up some new clothes. She hadn’t intended to spend her whole bank holiday weekend at the house, but it had just sort of happened, and Carla had enjoyed all of it – going for a morning walk with Lisa, helping Betsy cut the pattern pieces for something she was working on in college, and even spending her Sunday helping Lisa cook a rather impressive roast dinner, and now she was still there on Monday night.
“She's a guest -” Lisa started, and Betsy's smile widened.
“Oh, sorry, didn't realise it was normal for guests to move in.”
“I haven't moved in -” “She hasn't moved in -” They said at the same time, then turned to each other.
“I have evidence!” Betsy said gleefully. “Exhibit A – why's there cheerios in the cupboard? Because I don't eat them, and Mum hates cereal, she says a sweet breakfast is an ‘affront to everything good.’”
“Betsy -” Lisa said, but Betsy was on a roll.
“Exhibit B – there's a load of fancy products in the bathroom, and don't lie Mum, they're not yours, you don't even know what retinol or tretinoin is - then Exhibit C – I haven't been able to sit on my own sofa in weeks, because Carla's always on it!” Betsy said, emphasising her point with a flourish of her hands. Carla blushed.
“I guess – maybe I have moved in. Just a bit.” Carla said softly. She hadn’t meant to – only it was easier to keep a drawer full of things in Lisa’s room, to have a spare key, to do the food shop for the Swain’s, and to do her laundry in their machine – anything that could keep her in Lisa’s orbit for as long as she could.
“So, vis-à-vis rent?” Betsy said, her tone triumphant, clearly aware she’d won.
“You don't pay rent, should I start charging you?” Lisa raised an eyebrow.
“You decided to bring me into the world, Mother, that comes with free room and board 'til I'm eighteen at least.” Betsy said, as she slumped back into the armchair. “Might move out to live with Ryan though, he's probably dead lonely.”
“I can – well, I can go home tonight -” Carla started, but Betsy interrupted her with a shrug.
“Nah, you don’t need to, I just think you should give us the passwords to all your streaming services if you’re not going to pay rent. Do you pay for Apple TV?”
“We’re already using Carla’s Netflix.” Lisa said, and Carla noticed a blush on her cheeks.
“Oh, true, I made my own profile, didn’t want to mess up your recommendations.” Betsy said, and grabbed the remote to navigate to Netflix. “Right, there’s a new series of Love is Blind -”
“I should go home.” Carla said softly, and Lisa stiffened next to her.
“You - you don’t have to. She’s only messing.” She said, and Carla thought maybe she wasn’t the only one who struggled with the thought of being apart.
“Yeah, Carla, you have to stay, we’ve already ordered pizza, and Mum’s rubbish at watching these dating shows, she just says all the men are pricks and none are worth dating.” Betsy spoke up.
“Well... they mostly aren’t, they’re all way too into fitness and their houses look like prisons.” Carla said, then settled back in as Betsy pressed play on the episode.
When they went up to bed, after the pizza had been eaten and the men on Love is Blind thoroughly judged, Carla emerged from the bathroom, having used the fancy products that were indeed her own, she found Lisa sat up in bed, hands nervously twisting in her lap.
“Maybe we do need to... cut back a bit.” Lisa said, her voice quiet. “I'm keeping you from your own house, your own life.”
Carla felt her heart sink.
“Maybe.” She said softly. “Do you think you're ready?”
“I’ll have to be, won’t I? One day.” Lisa bit her lip. “I’ve got a night shift tomorrow, so I’ll be sleeping in the day. I guess I’ll need to be alone then, you’ll be at work.”
It hadn’t stopped them before – after her last night shift, Lisa had fallen asleep draped over her lap, as Carla tapped away on her phone, answering emails and making calls in a hushed voice, her hand never leaving Lisa’s hair.
“I can work from home like before -” Carla said.
“See, this is what I mean! What if you have a meeting? What, you’ll take it in my bedroom?” Lisa said, and Carla decided not to mention she’d already rescheduled a lunch meeting that day just in case Lisa wanted her to stay over.
“I don’t, so it’s okay. Maybe... maybe we could look at staying apart another day? Not Wednesday though, I said I’d help Betsy with her college project.” Carla said, and Lisa sighed.
“And not Thursday either, you said you’d watch the Man City women’s game with me.” She said, and Carla nodded - she wouldn’t miss it for the world, she loved how excited Lisa got when watching football.
“And we’re going for a curry on Friday, so I might as well stay over after -”
“See, this is our problem. We literally just committed to everyday this week!” Lisa said, and Carla looked at her.
“I guess… maybe we could part. After the meal on Friday.” She said, even though it was heart-wrenching to imagine hugging Lisa goodbye and taking separate cabs after spending an evening together.
“Maybe we could just text during the football game?” Lisa said, her voice small, and Carla shook her head.
“No, I’m excited for it – and besides, you already invited Ryan round to watch.”
“Oh, yeah.” Lisa said, and Carla couldn’t help but smile at the thought of getting to spend time with two of her favourite people. “So... just Friday, right?”
“Yeah. Just Friday. And tomorrow, I guess, for me.” Carla said softly. “That’s okay. We should start small; I don’t want to rush anything. Not if it means you go back to not sleeping.”
Lisa nodded and leant her head against Carla’s shoulder. “You’re good to me, Carla.” She said softly, and Carla could help but turn and press a kiss to the top of her head.
///
Carla couldn’t sleep.
She lay awake in her own bed for the first time in weeks and she just couldn’t drop off. Nothing was helping - she hadn't even been tired by the time Ryan had yawned for the third time and declared he was going to bed, so she'd stayed up until midnight, not really watching TV but not really on her phone either, a glass of wine in her hand. After debating with herself for twenty minutes, she'd caved and texted Lisa, even if she knew Lisa couldn’t really text back until her break, which on her night shift wouldn’t be until 2AM.
Eventually, she gave up and went to lay down. It felt wrong, and she tossed and turned - the bed felt too big, too wide, too soft, she didn't have to think about the squeaky spring under her knee or the gap in the curtains that let light in far too early - but the part she missed the most was her warm, cuddly detective, with her messy blonde bun and threadbare shorts, who made soft noises in her sleep and grumbled every morning as she tried to turn off her alarm.
Carla sighed and sat up. How the hell had it come to this? She'd offered to help Lisa get some sleep because she was determined to be a good friend, and now she was lying awake, unable to sleep without her, feeling all kinds of lovelorn and pathetic.
There was another thing keeping her awake, a small voice in the back of her head that said – if you tell her the truth, you’d be able to stay every night – but Carla knew she could never say anything. She knew if she told Lisa the truth, that she liked her as more than a friend, that she loved sharing a bed with her and the only thing that could make it better would be if she could kiss her good morning – it could ruin everything, if Lisa didn’t feel the same. It was better to have her in this strange, almost way, than not to have her at all.
Carla jumped at the sound of her phone ringing, and her brow furrowed when she saw it was Betsy. She’d always said Betsy could ring her if she needed help, and with Lisa on a night shift, she could be at a party or somewhere else she shouldn’t be and need help.
“Betsy?” Carla said, as she clicked to answer.
“Carla? It’s Mum – she - she’s been hurt, she hit her head.” Betsy’s voice was wobbling, and Carla felt her heart stop for a moment. “Craig called me and he said he’d take me to the hospital, but I don’t want to go alone-”
“Okay, lovey, breathe.” Carla said, trying to sound calmer than she felt. “Do you know what happened?”
“Some criminal pushed her over when they were being brought in - I think they said she didn’t lose consciousness.”
“That’s a good sign.” Carla soothed, as she wedged the phone between her ear and her shoulder, so she could get dressed as best she could whilst staying on the line. “Has Craig said how long they’re keeping her there for?”
“Until the morning at least.”
“Pack her a bag then, just put a few bits, like a toothbrush and a change of clothes. I’ll be there as soon as I can, okay? I’ll take you to the hospital. Deep breaths.”
When she arrived at the house, Betsy seemed to have calmed down a lot, sat on the stairs with a bag.
“Mum texted – well, sort of, she got Craig to pass along a message.” Betsy said, as she got into the car, clicking her seatbelt into place as Carla pulled away from the curb. “They’re not letting her use her phone in case she has concussion and she’s pissed about it.”
“I’ll bet.” Carla hummed, and Betsy’s phone buzzed.
“Now she’s complaining they’re not letting her have any coffee.” Betsy snorted. “I bet Craig’s regretting being the one to babysit her.”
In the twenty minutes it took to drive to the hospital, Lisa sent through six more updates, which included complaining about being cold and the sheets being scratchy, so Carla was grateful when she finally pulled into the car park.
“Bets, can you bob them a text that we’re two minutes away, and ask them for the ward name? They should let the nurses know we’re coming too, so they can buzz us up.” Carla said, and Betsy nodded.
“Can I buy her summat from the gift shop?”
“What, like a balloon?”
“I thought a teddy?” Betsy said, her voice softening. “My other Mum always bought me a teddy when I got sick. Started when I was a baby and I was in the NICU, apparently I went home with so many teddys they weighed more than me.”
Carla felt it sometimes, the weight of the loss they’d both been through, and it made her head hurt.
“I think your Mum would like that.” Carla said softly, as she parked the car.
They made their way inside and headed to the ward, and met Craig on the way out, clearly eager to go home and get away from the grumpy detective. The bed they were directed to was surrounded by a blue curtain, and Carla pushed it open, letting Betsy go first, and stepped inside to see Lisa half sat up, her head on the pillow, a large bandage obscuring most of her forehead.
“Mum!” Betsy said, as she sat on the bed and pulled Lisa in for a gentle hug. “What the fuck did you go and do this for?”
“It wasn’t deliberate!” Lisa sighed, then looked over her daughter’s shoulder to meet Carla’s gaze. “Thank you so much for bringing her.”
“Not a problem.” Carla said and moved to sit in the chair next to the bed. “Bets brought you some – where's the bag?”
“Oh! Sorry, left it in the car.” Betsy said and held out her hand. “I’ll go get it.”
Carla dug in her bag until she found the keys, then handed them over. “No joy rides, okay?”
“If you give me twenty quid I’ll go get coffee too.” Betsy said with a grin, clearly much happier now she’d seen her Mum in one piece.
“Betsy!” Lisa admonished. “You can’t just spend Carla’s money -”
Carla pulled her purse from her bag and handed it over. “Use my card. But if there’s a charge on there for anything other than coffee, it’s coming out of your pay-check, deal?”
“Deal.” Betsy said, then stood up. “Don’t miss me too much!”
Before either of them could reply, Betsy had swanned out, and the room was suddenly much quieter. Carla turned to Lisa and moved forward to hold her hands.
“How are you?”
“I’m okay.” Lisa said softly. “Kit brought in a guy for drink driving – he was cuffed, but he got a headbutt in, and I fell and hit my head on the table. I’m fine, but Craig insisted he bring me in.”
“Good call.” Carla said. Now she was up close, she could see the bruise blooming along the bridge of her nose and under her eye. “Does it hurt?”
“Not much. They gave me the good stuff. They only want to keep me in overnight to check for concussion.” Lisa said, the stifled a yawn.
“What, you just see me and you get sleepy now?” Carla raised an eyebrow, and Lisa blushed.
“I’ve had a head injury! They told me I should sleep, actually, but I wanted to wait for you.”
“I can take Betsy home, if you need to sleep?” Carla said, and Lisa shook her head, then winced.
“No, it’s okay. I hate hospitals, I can’t sleep here.” Lisa said, but she was already stifling another yawn, and Carla reached up to play with the ends of her hair.
“Can you try? For me?”
“Maybe.” Lisa blinked slowly.
The curtain fluttered open, and Carla quickly withdrew her hand, but it was just Betsy, precariously balancing three cups, the holdall, and a fluffy teddy bear with a pink organza bow.
“Got you decaff, Mum – well, I got us all decaff, because it’s one in the morning.” Betsy hummed, and handed out the cups, before she dropped the bag on the bed. “And that’s some clean clothes and a toothbrush and whatever. I put your book in there too.”
“Thanks, Bets, but – uh – what about the bear?” Lisa raised an eyebrow, and Betsy looked down.
“Oh, yeah, well... it’s for you. It’s what Mum would have done.”
“Oh, Betsy, thank you.” Lisa said, tearing up a little, as Betsy handed her the teddy, then gave her Mum a hug.
“DS Swain, I just need to – oh, hello?” A nurse stepped into the room, and the hug broke as Betsy stood up.
“I’m Carla, Carla Connor.” Carla said, as she tried to school her expression into something neutral, and not that she’d nearly burst into tears at Betsy and Lisa getting along so well, a far cry from the fractious relationship they’d had when she’d first become Lisa’s friend.
“I’m Betsy.” Betsy said. “Is Mum okay?”
“She’s doing great. We’re keeping DS Swain in overnight, but it’s just a precaution.” The nurse said, her voice level. “As visiting hours are now over, however, I have to ask you to leave, and you can return in the morning.”
Carla felt a surge of panic in her chest, and looked over to see Lisa’s similarly wide eyed expression.
“We’ve only just got here!” Betsy said, and Carla stood up.
“Can I speak to you outside?”
Once they were in the corridor, the nurse looked at her expectantly.
“She doesn’t like to sleep alone.” Carla blurted out, and she could hear the desperation in her voice. “She won’t sleep well. I can – well, can I just sit in the chair, you won’t even notice me -”
“Visiting hours are over, Ms Connor, we need to leave DS Swain to get some rest.”
“But she won’t, not if she’s alone -”
“It’s against policy -”
“I don’t want her to wake up on her own.”
“I know you’re worried about your partner, Ms Connor, but you also need some rest, and so does your daughter.” The nurse said. Carla felt her heart clench, and she looked at her shoes. She wasn’t sure why she didn’t correct the nurse, maybe because she didn’t want her explanation to come out garbled from the stress and sleep deprivation, or maybe because she would like, just for tonight, to live in a world where it was true.
The nurse looked at her, then sighed in defeat. “I suppose it is almost morning, if you’re insistent on staying.”
“Thank you.” Carla said softly. When she re-entered the room, Betsy was curled up on the chair, fast asleep, and Lisa was looking at her with soft, sleepy eyes.
“You can stay?” She mumbled, and Carla nodded as she sat back down in the chair, moving it toward slightly so she could hold Lisa’s hand.
“Yeah, lovey, I’m not going anywhere. Promise.”
///
Lisa blinked awake.
Her head was throbbing, and there was a dull ache across her nose and cheekbones, but the pain didn’t matter, because she could see Betsy was curled up on the chair next to her, sleeping like a cat, and when she turned, Carla was asleep, half on a chair, half on a pillow at the foot of the bed.
Her heart skipped a beat. They’d really stayed.
Carla blinked, her face scrunching up, before she blinked again and looked up with bleary eyes.
“Lise?”
“Hey.” Lisa said softly. “You stayed?”
“Of course.” Carla gave her a soft smile as she sat up and reached to hold her hands. “How are you feeling?”
“Bit sore, but nothing some medication and a coffee wouldn’t cure –”
“I’m checking with the nurse first.” Carla said firmly, and Lisa pouted. “Uh, stop it, I’m not getting you a coffee just because you’ve pulled a face –”
“Can you boomers shut up please?” Betsy mumbled, and Lisa turned to her daughter, a little sheepish.
“Are you okay, Bets?”
“Wish I’d had a bed, but can’t complain.” Betsy yawned. “Do you think there’s any breakfast going?”
“That tends to be for patients.” Carla said, and stood up, stretching, and Lisa couldn’t help but stare as her hoodie rode up to reveal a flash of her stomach. “I’ll go get something from the café – yes, love, I’ll check if caffeine is allowed.”
“Thanks.” Lisa said softly, her heart squeezing at the way Carla knew what she was going to ask before she’d even asked it. They desperately needed the time apart they’d talked about, because every moment in Carla’s presence just made Lisa fall even harder for her.
“I’ll have whatever’s going, and I definitely need a coffee.” Betsy yawned. “I take –”
“Yeah, I know, milk and three sugars.” Carla said. “I won’t be long.”
As soon as Carla had swished out of the blue curtains, Betsy stood up, stretched, and sat cross legged on the end of the bed, as Lisa moved to sit cross-legged and make room for her.
“You know she’s totally in love with you right?”
Lisa’s eyes widened. “What?”
“Carla? Dark hair, owns a knicker factory, loves bossing people around? That Carla?” Betsy grinned. “Please tell me you’ve realised -”
“I don’t think so -”
“Okay, exhibit A – she does our food shopping, even though she hates supermarkets, she comes over every night to help you sleep, and she orders pineapple on pizza just because you like it. I called, and she drove me over here just because you’d bumped your head.” Betsy said softly. “And you like her back.”
“Betsy -”
“You know I was just messing the other day, right? I don't care that Carla's basically moved in, I just find it hilarious neither of you had noticed.” Betsy said softly. “If she makes you happy, she should stay.”
“I thought you'd hate the idea.” Lisa said, and bit her lip.
“I used to.” Betsy said softly. “I know you won't ever forget Mum, and I won't ever forget her either, but – living in the past – it's not helping either of us.”
“Betsy...” Lisa started. “What if she doesn't like me back? I don't want to lose her as a friend.”
“Of course she likes you back. It’s literally the most obvious thing in the world.” Betsy said, then grinned. “This feels like I’m coaching you through your first crush.”
“Like I did when you liked that boy in your class when you were eight? Reece?” Lisa said, with a raised eyebrow, and Betsy burst out laughing.
“Don’t remind me! I went right off him when he wouldn’t stop pretending to be a ninja turtle.” Betsy said. “Besides, your version of ‘helping me’ was giving me a talking to about how I shouldn’t have a boyfriend until I was eighteen.”
“And I assume you’ve stuck to that?” Lisa said, as she raised her eyebrow playfully.
“Of course!” Betsy grinned, before her expression softened. “Tell her? Please?”
“Betsy -”
“If it all goes wrong, I’ll be there with ice cream and rom coms, promise. But I don’t think she will.”
“Maybe.” Lisa said, feeling all kinds of shy. This did really feel like a first crush.
“And soon, okay? Life’s too short to put off doing what makes you happy.” Betsy said, and leant forward to squeeze her hands, just as the curtain swished and Carla came in, her arms full with their coffee and breakfast orders.
///
Lisa was discharged by lunch time, when Carla had driven them all home, and it wasn’t long before she was safely ensconced on the sofa with a cup of tea. Betsy had been adamant she still wanted to go to college – apparently today was practical demonstration on working with silk that she didn’t want to miss – and Carla had offered to give her a lift, leaving Lisa to ponder her earlier conversation with her daughter.
How grown-up Betsy seemed, how astute, a lifetime away from the scared teenager who hated the world that had torn her Mum away from her, and Lisa realised that make she was a different person too – under Carla’s care, she’d grown, and maybe she wasn’t so afraid anymore either.
The door opened, and Lisa looked up to see Carla, and she couldn’t help but smile.
“Thought I’d find you asleep?” Carla said, and she smiled at her softly, hands on her hips.
“Thought you would go to work?” Lisa asked, and Carla shook her head.
“As if I’d leave a head trauma patient on her own.” Carla snorted. “I took the day off, I’m all yours.”
Lisa’s heart leapt at the words, then a familiar panic settled in – she was keeping Carla from her factory now, just as she kept her from her normal day-to-day life by needing someone to fall asleep with. “Carla, you don’t have to –”
“It’s fine, they won’t miss me.” Carla waved her hand. “Okay, how about – you take a nap, I’ll stay with you, then I’ll order in something for lunch –”
“You really don’t have to do all this, Carla.” Lisa protested. “I’ll be okay. I’ll manage.” Carla seemed to look deflated, and Lisa backtracked. “You already stayed all night, Carla, I can’t ask –”
“Are you saying you want to start sleeping alone again?” Carla said, her voice small, and Lisa shook her head, then winced.
“No, Carla, this – this is coming out all wrong.” She sighed. “Sit, please?”
Carla did, leaving a foot of space between them.
Lisa took a deep breath and tried to find the words, but nothing seemed to work. Carla’s face fell.
“If you want, I can leave -”
“Sleeping next to you – I feel so safe.” Lisa blurted out. “These past few weeks – it's like I can finally breathe, and that's not because I'm not alone, but because it's you. I knew how I felt the moment I saw you in the hospital, like I knew then that everything would be okay.”
Carla’s expression softened, and Lisa willed herself to keep going.
“I haven’t felt that way in a long time – I haven’t felt so safe. So – so loved.” She said softly. “And if you just want to be friends, we can forget about all of this, because having you in my life is so important to me, so much more important than my stupid feelings, but – I think I owe it to you to tell you how I feel. I owe it to me too.”
“How do you feel?” Carla asked, eyes shining, and she moved closer, almost imperceptibly so.
“I like you.” Lisa said, her voice soft and shy. “I really, really like you.”
There was silence for a second, and Lisa couldn’t help but panic.
“And it’s totally okay if you don’t -”
“Of course I feel the same way.” Carla breathed. “Lisa, these past few months – it's been torture, sleeping every night next to you and not being able to kiss you.”
“You can.” Lisa said, almost unable to believe it. “You can kiss me.”
When their lips finally met, there was no longer any space between them, and she was in Carla’s arms and Carla was kissing her, and Lisa could finally breathe again.
///
“They have to be together, right?” came a hissed whisper – was that Ryan?
“You don’t get it; they’re literally always like this.” came another whisper – Betsy?
“Always?”
“Literally always.” Betsy whispered. “I once caught them holding hands when loading the dishwasher. This is nothing.”
Carla blinked her eyes open, the world coming back into view. They’d fallen asleep on the sofa, Lisa tucked up in her arms, and Carla could feel Lisa’s soft weight against her still, and the memories came back, the hospital, coming home, the kiss, all of it rolling like a stone through her mind, gathering pace as it fell.
“Shut up.” Lisa mumbled, and Carla finally opened her eyes properly to see Ryan and Betsy stood over them.
“Are you? Together?” Betsy said, a gleeful smile on her face, and Carla couldn’t help but blush.
“We are.” She said softly, and as Ryan and Betsy high fived each other, she felt Lisa stir and press a kiss to the underside of her jaw, before slowly sitting upright. “Now, can you leave us to nap?”
“You invited me round!” Ryan said indignantly. “It’s the footie!”
“Yeah, and I ordered enough chinese food for like, eight people.” Betsy snorted. “Right, I’ll get the plates -”
“We slept all day?” Lisa said, her cheeks pink and her hair mussed. “Whoops.”
“You’re recovering from a head injury, you need your rest.” Carla said softly, a smile spreading across her face. “And I just wanted to nap with my lovely girlfriend.”
Lisa blushed, and then, just because she could, and because she’d been denied it every other time she’d wanted to, Carla bent forward and gave her a kiss.
“Girlfriend. I could get used to that.” Lisa said shyly, and Carla grinned.
“I think you better.”