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“Tell me you love me,” Shauna begged into a stranger’s ear as she rode him, chasing the high that buzzed through her body. Her hand gripped the back of his head and tugged at his hair, tilting his head back and exposing his throat. Her other hand slipped up her dress, sliding up her thigh.
“I love you, Shauna,” he gasped out into the car. The words filled her with more ecstasy than he ever could. She moaned loudly, then drove the knife she had strapped to her thigh directly into his chest as she rolled her hips.
“What…?”, he let out a pathetic wheeze. He grabbed at her arms, tight enough to bruise. She twisted the knife, grinding down again as he tensed underneath her.
She pulled out slowly, then stabbed again and again and again and again. Blood coated her thighs and shins as it dripped down his chest, and she came to a stop. She didn’t orgasm, but that wasn’t an issue. She’d have her needs fulfilled soon. Shifting off of him, she adjusted her red dress back down over her thighs. She always wore it when she got the urge; it just made the cleanup easier.
She watched from the other side of the backseat as his twitching body slowly came to a stop. The anticipation rose the weaker his breaths became. God, she couldn’t wait. It took a few more minutes for him to bleed out, but Shauna kept her gaze on his chest the entire time.
“Shauna. You keep doing this.”
Shauna’s eyes snapped to the front seat where a familiar, cloaked figure sat. “Jax,” Shauna smiled, “I needed to see you.”
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Shauna loved too intensely. That was what her mother had told her after the first incident.
She had been in the backyard with Sir Flops in his outdoor pen. Her mom had been in the kitchen, passively keeping watch through the glass door. She had spent the afternoon running around outside after her parents had started yet another screaming match—relegated to the backyard with just her bunny for company.
Their backyard was not that impressive, and there certainly wasn’t enough to keep a four year old occupied for long. So, Shauna grew bored. She sat and watched Sir Flops hop around his pen. He seemed just as bored as she did. Staring at him, she was overcome with a feeling. She loved Sir Flops more than anything.
He was the only one always there for her. He was her best friend. Her body started to itch with a need. It became hard to stand still. She needed to do something. Clenching her hands did little to relieve the sensation. It was an urge, and everything else felt wrong in comparison.
The next time Sir Flops hopped by her, she followed the impulse and scooped him up, immediately wrapping her arms around him tightly. He wriggled in her hold, so Shauna held him tighter.
She loved too intensely.
It was an easy and flippant explanation from a mother who couldn’t handle any other reason.
It was a horrible accident.
But really, Shauna remembered every second. She remembered tightening her hold. She remembered the squeaks and squeals. She remembered Sir Flops going still. She had enjoyed it; it had relieved her boredom. It had calmed the buzzing. It had brought her comfort.
And then, while she clutched Sir Flops’ still body to herself, her life changed forever. Or maybe, her destined path was set.
An Angel stood in front of her.
She was tall and beautiful, but she looked so sad. Her long black cloak billowed around her as she knelt down in front of Shauna.
“Why are you sad?” Shauna asked the Angel. The figure looked at her with just the barest hint of surprise.
“…I just wish things could be different,” the figure reached out and took Sir Flops into her arms.
Shauna watched awestruck as Sir Flops started moving again in the figure’s arms. He snuggled into the crook of the Angel’s arm, and she stroked his fur gently. Then, she reached out, placing her hand on Shauna’s head, stroking her hair once.
“I’m sorry,” she murmured, leaning forward to kiss Shauna’s crown.
“Why?” Shauna whispered.
“Life can be violent and cruel.” The Angel stood, cradling Sir Flops. Shauna blinked up at the figure, absorbing her words wide-eyed with awe. She nodded, and then the figure was gone.
Shauna was left standing in the backyard—alone—her arms wrapped tightly against Sir Flops’ still, hanging body. She walked forward, standing in the spot the Angel had stood and closed her eyes, trying to will her return.
The back door slid open behind her.
“Dinner’s almost ready, Shauna,” her mom sighed wearily.
“I saw an Angel, mommy,” Shauna said absentmindedly as she turned. Sir Flops’ body swung widely with her turn.
Her mother’s eyes widened as she took in the scene before her. “Shauna, what did you do!?” She gasped in a partial yell.
She stormed forward, dropping to her knees in front of Shauna, clamping her hands down onto Shauna’s shoulders. She was not nearly as graceful as the Angel. Shauna looked down at the fingers digging into her shoulder until they shook her slightly. She blinked, looking up at her mother. She looked scared.
Shauna tilted her head, clutching Sir Flops tighter. Her mother glanced down at her arms, and quickly ripped Sir Flops from her grasp, dropping him to the ground behind them. There was no gentleness, not like when the Angel had taken him into her arms.
Life can be violent and cruel.
“Did I do something bad?”
“Yes!” Her mother yelled, and Shauna flinched, her eyes watering. Her mother covered her mouth with one of her hands and closed her eyes. She took a deep breath, then ran her hand through her hair. “Okay…okay.” She said quietly to herself.
When she opened her eyes again, she placed her hands back on Shauna’s shoulders, holding onto her desperately. “It was just a horrible accident…you just loved Sir Flops too much, Shauna. You have to be more careful, okay?”
“Okay,” Shauna nodded, her eyes wide and uncomprehending. Wasn’t she supposed to love? Her love for Sir Flops led to him being cradled in the Angel’s arms. He looked so content.
Using the grip on her shoulders, her mother spun her around and ushered her inside.
Sir Flops was left on the grass outside.
Later, after dinner, Shauna lay awake in bed, listening to her father dig a hole in the garden.
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Shauna never forgot that day or the Angel.
The feeling didn't go away. Whenever she felt it too much, Shauna hoped she might see her again. She would trample bugs or squish toads under the tires of her bike, but she didn’t see the Angel. Worst of all, she didn’t understand why it wasn’t working.
She wasn’t allowed to have another bunny, but after a few years her parents did get a dog. Something large enough to handle her love, they said. And she did love Daisy. They were always together, and the St. Bernard mix was sturdy enough to handle Shauna’s tight squeezes.
As soon as Shauna learned how to write, she started keeping a diary. It was something that the therapist her mom took her to recommended. Something about being able to have a place to get her thoughts out. Whenever she felt the buzzing in the back of her head and her chest, she would start to write and doodle. It wasn’t enough to get rid of it, but it staved off any impulses.
Sometimes she played too rough on the playground on purpose. Tagging the other kids hard enough that they would fall into the wood chips, hoping for a scrape bad enough to bleed. The times when she would fall and scrape her knee on the pavement, she would stare at the wound, watching how the blood would ease through the skin like pox marks around the gravel and stone digging into the skin.
She would poke the skin intentionally, hissing at the sting, but would always go back in again.
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Shauna didn’t see the Angel again until she was 12 years old. She had long stopped expecting to see her when she did things to stifle her urges, but her diary journal pages were filled with ramblings, poems, and drawings of her. Still, she hoped.
When her mom told her that her grandmother was very sick and that she would be moving in with them, there was an anticipation mixed in amongst the sadness. Her grandmother had always been kind to her, but the opportunity to see the Angel again was far too exciting. Her grandmother was set up in the guest room with several machines lining the bedside. She was basically bed ridden at that point, and Shauna heard the adults saying that she didn’t have much time left.
Shauna spent as much time with her grandmother as possible. She sat at her bedside, read her stories, watched TV with her, talked with her. She saw the relief on her mother’s face as she cared for her grandmother, unknowing that she was just desperate to be present when she finally passed. She would even sneak over to the guest room in the middle of the night, just to make sure she hadn’t missed it.
Months had passed, and the quiet anticipation—while still there—had taken a back seat to the care Shauna felt. She loved the time she got to spend with her grandmother. Which is why when she heard the gasping, agonal breathing when she walked into her grandmother’s room after school, she almost went to get her mother.
Instead, she slid her backpack off of her shoulders and dropped into her usual seat. She reached forward and grabbed her grandmother’s hand, squeezing it tightly as she watched her chest struggle to move up and down. She put all of her love into that tight grip…and watched.
It wasn’t long, maybe a few minutes before her grandmother’s chest stopped moving. The bed across from her dipped, and Shauna looked up to see the Angel once more, looking down sadly at Shauna’s grandmother. She didn’t look as tall as Shauna remembered her being, but she was just as breathtaking.
“You’re here,” Shauna whispered, still clutching her grandmother’s hand.
The Angel turned to Shauna, her eyes widening in surprise. “You can still see me.” It was a statement more than a question, but Shauna nodded anyway.
“What’s your name?” Shauna implored as the Angel turned her attention back, gently arranging her grandmother, closing her mouth, and laying the hand Shauna wasn’t holding flat.
Her sad eyes danced across Shauna’s face, searching. “…You can call me Jacqueline.” She gave Shauna a small, rueful smile and held out her hand. “Can I take her hand now, Shauna?”
“Will you leave when you do?” Shauna clutched her grandmother’s hand closer to her. Jacqueline nodded. “Will I see you again?” Jacqueline’s face fell further at the question, but she nodded.
“You will.”
At the reassurance, Shauna held her grandmother’s hand out toward Jacqueline, who took it gently.
“See you soon,” Shauna grinned at Jacqueline.
“I hope not,” Jacqueline said softly.
By the time Shauna’s grin fell, she was alone. She got up and left the room in search of her mom.
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For a while after her second sighting, Shauna had a Catholic phase. Something about the tragedy of the saints and the aesthetics of the cathedrals interested her. She thought that maybe if she became more religious, she’d be able to see Jacqueline again. While there were many mentions of Angels throughout the Bible, none of them fit the bill of Jacqueline.
The Catholic phase only lasted a few months after her devotion yielded no results.
Instead, Shauna dove into world mythologies. She researched depictions of Angels across cultures, spending entire afternoons in the library while hiding out from her parents’ divorce proceedings.
She had long since come to the conclusion that Jacqueline was an Angel of Death, a being that helped ferry souls from this world to the next. Usually, only those dying or close to death were able to see such beings, but Shauna had been able to see Jacqueline twice.
That had to mean something.
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She didn’t truly understand her purpose until her senior year of high school. She had always been a bit of a loner throughout her childhood due to her reputation of roughhousing. The other kids didn't really want to play with her all that much, but Shauna didn’t mind. She had better uses of her time, like studying and writing.
After her parents’ divorce, the urges had gotten more intense, and, in an attempt to curb Shauna’s anger, her mother signed her up for soccer. Shauna didn't really care for the sport itself all that much, but she loved the feeling of sprinting down the field and slide-tackling her opponents. By nature of being on a team, Shauna suddenly had people she somewhat considered friends. They saw her aggression as an asset against the other teams, and eventually started inviting her places.
Simply by being proximal to people like Taissa, Lottie, and Van, Shauna gained a social life. She was invited to parties—at first as an extension of the team, and then on her own. People started to notice her, and guys would try to talk to her at parties. Shauna had never really considered boys before. Her mind was preoccupied with more important things.
Still, when Jeff Sadecki asked her out in Junior year, she said yes. The team told her she should, so she did. Jeff was fine in terms of being a boyfriend. He was boring and not that great of a kisser, but Shauna was led to believe that was true of all men if her mother was correct. She did all the things a good girlfriend should do, and she told herself she should love him, so she did.
Jeff was one of the popular kids, so suddenly Shauna was too. Her silent brooding became cool and mysterious to her peers instead of weird. Shauna was the Homecoming Queen to Jeff’s Homecoming King. Underclassmen would whisper in the halls about what a perfect couple they were, but Shauna felt absolutely nothing for him. Except love.
Jeff had always been a bit pushy when it came to intimacy. Shauna usually got by with just giving him a handy or a blow job, but in senior year he really started to push for going all the way. Shauna didn't really want to, but she loved him. So, when he asked again a few weeks before prom, she agreed.
Before leaving for the party that night she stared at the jar of peanuts her mom kept on the counter. Jeff was allergic to peanuts. She grabbed a handful, and tossed them in her mouth, washing her hands after. When she got into his car, she extended her cheek for him to kiss.
They only stayed at the party for a half an hour or so, before Shauna dragged Jeff out into the woods. She pinned him against a tree, and for the first time that night, kissed him. He forced his tongue into her mouth, and she allowed it as he clumsily fumbled for his belt and the button of her jeans. Shauna took the lead, undoing his belt, unbuttoning his jeans, and reaching into his boxers.
“Tell me you love me,” Shauna murmured into his mouth as her hand worked.
“I love you, Shauna,” he whined, almost wheezing. “I love you—“ He gasped, his hands coming up to his throat as he started wheezing. “Shauna—help.”
Taking her hand back, buttoning him back up, and redoing his belt, Shauna watched as Jeff clutched at his neck, gasping for breath.
“Life can be violent and cruel,” Shauna murmured to herself. Then she leaned up to kiss Jeff again, stealing his air. “But I’ll help you.” She waited a few more minutes, watching as Jeff staggered through the woods, falling against trees, to try and get help. Only after he slumped against one of the trees, each breath sounding painful, did Shauna finally sprint back to the party.
Her eyes flooded with tears as she let a panic overcome her. “Somebody, help!” She screamed as she ran back into the clearing where the party was. Several people stopped to look at her. “Something happened to Jeff—he’s not breathing right!”
A group of guys rushed into the woods back from where Shauna came from, and Shauna guided them to Jeff. He was barely conscious anymore as they hefted him up and rushed back to his car. Shauna frantically looked through his glove compartment, already knowing that Jeff always forgot his Epi-pen at home. The guys tossed him in the back of the car, and then Randy, Jeff’s best friend, hopped into the driver’s seat.
“He’ll be okay, Shauna!” Randy reassured as he sped off to the hospital. The nearest hospital was fifteen minutes away. If Shauna had immediately gotten help he probably would’ve made it. She climbed into the backseat while Randy was driving, grabbing onto Jeff’s hand. She stared at his chest, waiting as his breaths became slower and slower—just like her grandmother’s.
She could feel the moment he was gone, even before Jacqueline appeared. Shauna’s entire face lit up into a grin at the sight of her, and Jacqueline just looked surprised.
“Hey. Sorry it’s been so long.”
“Shauna,” Jacqueline acknowledged, and an overwhelming warmth filled Shauna. She remembered her.
“I’ve always wanted to tell you that you’re beautiful,” Shauna admitted, not knowing how much time they’d have together. Jacqueline’s jaw dropped open as if she were about to say something, then closed. Her pale cheeks blossomed with life.
“I should go,” she said quietly, reaching out for Jeff’s hand.
“I’ll see you soon,” Shauna promised. Jacqueline glanced up at that, watching her carefully and critically, before taking Jeff’s hand.
She disappeared right as Randy pulled up to the hospital. Thankfully, it didn’t seem like Randy heard whatever conversation they just had.
Jeff was pronounced dead on arrival. It got blamed on some cross contamination at the party. Shauna played the part of mourning girlfriend for the last few months of high school until she shipped up to Brown.
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She started Brown with a clean slate. It was a place where no one knew her. She didn’t have to pretend to be the mourning girlfriend any more. The campus was ripe with people like her; people who liked to learn and wanted to study. There was also a fair share of pretentious pricks walking around that she loathed.
It was at Brown that Shauna learned that she liked women too. On weekends, she would head into Providence with her friends to one of the gay bars to see who might catch her eye.
If she ended up bringing a girl home, they were always dirty blonde. Maybe a light brunette. Guys it never mattered, but she’d already seen the most beautiful woman in existence. She strove for perfection. She never really remembered their names. She’d taken to calling them Jackie in her head.
She lasted until November before the urge returned. The girls had been helping, but they could only help so much. Brown’s campus was far too small and Shauna actually liked Providence, so she took the train into Boston.
She walked the streets, slushy with muddy snow, and ducked into the first bar she could find. The bartender didn't even blink at her fake, serving her a whiskey coke and moving on. Shauna sat at the bar, turning on the stool to survey the crowd as she took a sip. The crowd looked to be half yuppie, half grizzled blue-collar. Shauna could deal with either, but the yuppies would definitely be easier to handle.
The bar was overwhelmingly filled with men, so Shauna had already caught many eyes. She briefly met the gazes that stared at her, enough to send a message, then turned back around. She took another sip of her drink.
It was out of her hands now.
“What are you drinking?” A man slid in next to her leaning against the bar. It had taken less than two minutes. Shauna turned to give him a once over. Slicked back blonde hair. Blue eyes. Wrinkled dress-shirt. Definitely a yuppie. Shauna tilted her head; he kind of looked like Jeff. She smiled.
“Just a whiskey coke,” she lifted the glass and sipped it.
“I’ll get you another,” the man waved down the bartender even though she had barely taken two sips.
“Thanks, I’m Shauna.” She extended her hand, and the man took it. He responded with his own name, but Shauna had already forgotten it. He sat on the stool next to her, and started laying it on thick. It was so easy to get men to talk. She barely had to ask him a question before he was off on tangent after tangent, offering up so much information.
He had recently moved to the city for a new job. He didn’t know anyone in town yet. The only family he had was on the west coast. And yet, he didn’t ask Shauna a single thing.
“Do you wanna get out of here?” Shauna leaned in close, the second whiskey warming her. His eyes brightened, and he nodded. Shauna slipped on her coat and grabbed her bag while he pulled his coat on. He slid his hand across her lower back as he led her out of the bar and onto the frigid streets of Boston.
Not many people were out on the streets because of the chill, and there was a stillness in the city that was beautiful. It was a serene tableau in which people fell in love. He hadn’t stopped talking since they left the bar, his hand still around her waist. Her skin tingled where his arm rested, and she tugged him into one of the alleys as they passed.
Pulling him down the alley past a dumpster, she pushed him against the cold brick and kissed him. He reciprocated, pushing back against her, stumbling across the alley way until she was braced against the opposite wall. Shauna didn't much care for that, but she didn’t break the kiss.
“My apartment’s only a few more blocks,” he mumbled between kisses. Shauna shook her head. She had to do this now.
“Tell me you love me,” she whispered against his lips. He froze against her at the words. “I won’t hold you to it. It can just be for tonight.” She kissed him again. “Just for tonight.”
“Okay,” he nodded against her. “I love you, Shauna.”
Shauna gasped, feeling a familiar buzzing under her skin. He repeated it as he kissed down her neck, and Shauna’s eyes drifted closed. She turned her head further to the side, exposing more of her throat, reaching into her bag as she did.
She wrapped her hand around the switchblade her dad had given her before going to college. It was for her protection.
She flicked it open, just as she felt something firm pressing against her leg. He groaned into her shoulder, reaching for the hem of her dress. She lodged the blade right between his ribs and into his lung. His groan turned to a gasp as he stumbled back. Shauna kept a grip on the blade as he pulled off of it.
“What the fuck…?” He looked down at his chest, holding his hand to his rapidly staining dress shirt.
Shauna reached forward to stab him again, this time in the stomach. He stumbled forward, gripping her tightly by the shoulders and gritting his teeth. She slammed against the wall behind her, enough to stun but not enough to knock her out. She gripped the knife harder and twisted it. Blood bubbled past his lips and dropped down his chin.
The blade slipped out easily, blood splattering across the snow as he collapsed onto his knees. She stepped aside as he slumped forward, and she squatted next to him. He stared at her, eyes still wide as he gasped his last breaths.
She used the snow to wipe off the blade until it was clean enough to slip back into her bag. Her excitement grew as his eyes started to dull. This was her favorite part. The waiting and anticipation for if she might see Jacqueline again. She didn’t know what she’d do if she didn’t see her this time.
Luckily, she didn’t need to find out. Jacqueline appeared framed by moonlight and snow, standing above Shauna. The last time Shauna had seen her they’d both been sitting, but she thought she might be taller than Jacqueline now. Something about the thought warmed her.
“Hi,” Shauna smiled up at her while Jacqueline took in the scene.
“Shauna—“
“I’m not sure how much time we get, but I’ve started calling you Jackie in my head—can I call you that?”
Jacqueline blinked, then nodded slowly.
“Jackie,” Shauna sighed. The name just felt right. As if it was the little piece of Jacqueline’s that was Shauna’s and Shauna’s alone. Jackie just stared at her, a look Shauna couldn’t place crossing her face.
“I haven’t thought about this until now,” Shauna started, “but am I making more work for you?” Shauna motioned to the man whose name she didn’t remember, lying face down in the snow.
“I…go where I’m needed.” Jackie looked at her, tilting her head, then looked down at the body.
Crouching down, Jackie reached for his hand. Shauna was unable to help herself; she had been writing about those hands for years. She intercepted Jackie’s reach, holding her hand, brushing her thumb gently across the back. Her hands were surprisingly cold, and just as soft as Shauna imagined they’d be. Jackie gasped, pulling her hand away, as a flustered look that Shauna hadn’t seen on her before flashed across her face.
“Sorry,” Shauna lied, taking in every minute detail of Jackie’s face. “I’ve been curious for a long time.” She teased her lip between her teeth. Shauna withdrew her hands to her lap, and Jackie quickly reached forward again, taking the man’s hand.
“It was nice to see you,” Shauna smiled at Jackie. Jackie just stared at Shauna, her eyes briefly dipping to her smile.
“Bye,” the word floated across the air like the falling snowflakes, and by the time it reached Shauna, Jackie was gone.
Shauna looked down at the man’s body at her feet. What was she going to do with it?
As if the heavens had an answer for her, the snow picked up into a bonafide blizzard. The body was covered in a thin layer of snow in minutes, and according to the forecast it was supposed to snow for days. The almanac called for a freezing winter, and in a low trafficked alleyway like this one, the body might not even see daylight again until March.
It must have been some kind of sign of support. She tilted her head back, snowflakes decorating her hair and eyelashes. “I knew you liked me,” she whispered to the sky.
She began her long trek back to campus, curling in on herself and trudging through the snow. Her footprints were already disappearing in her wake.
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They didn’t find the man for a month, and by then the entire crime scene was compromised. Shauna wouldn’t have even known anything if she hadn’t seen the little section about it in the newspaper. She had been flipping through it to get to the crossword. He didn’t even make the front page.
School kept Shauna busy for the most part. She went to class, studied, wrote, and on the weekends spent the night with girls who reminded her of Jackie or boys who would let her do whatever she wanted. They always paled in comparison to the real deal. There were a few times when Shauna was going down on a Jackie-like that she wondered if Jackie could see what she was doing, if she knew what she called them in her head. Another part wondered if Jackie liked it.
Shauna lived off the high of Jackie’s touch for months before it started to wear off. The buzzing soon returned, and Shauna knew it was time again. The pattern repeated three more times over the course of her degree. Always in Boston. Always a man. Always making them love her just enough to see Jackie.
She thought that maybe that was it, maybe that was the secret. It wasn’t that she had to love them. It was that they had to love her, and she had to love Jackie. That was the connection that let Shauna see her Angel for those sweet, brief moments.
She savored each and every second she got with Jackie, and made those moments count with the information she gained from them.
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“Why can I see you?—not that I’m complaining, because I’m really not.” Shauna grinned as she wiped off her knife, standing above another stranger.
“I don’t actually know. This has never happened before.” Jackie eyed Shauna with contemplative interest.
“I guess we’re just connected.”
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“Do you have any family? Friends?” She crouched next to a stranger as she buckled his belt back up.
“No, not for a long time,” Jackie got a far off look in her eyes as she softly spoke. “It’s just me.”
“Sounds lonely,” Shauna reached up and gave her hand a supportive squeeze.
Jackie blinked, looking back down to Shauna. A small smile curled at the corner of Jackie’s lips, and Shauna felt like she could walk on water.
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“Could you ever visit me outside of this?” Shauna motioned to the scene around them. This time the knife was still in the body of the stranger, steam rising from the exposed wound into the chilled night air.
“I don’t know if it’s even possible. There are 2 deaths every second of every day, and every time I see you I get behind schedule.” Jackie crouched next to the body, taking the knife from the corpse and handing it back to Shauna.
“But you still take the time to speak to me every time?” Shauna’s heart fluttered with the knowledge. She took the knife from Jackie, their fingers brushing.
“It’s nice to have someone to talk to whose soul isn’t literally in my hands,” she shrugged nonchalantly before grabbing the corpse’s hand and disappearing.
Shauna decided she would kill over and over if it gave Jackie some bit of levity.
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In the years since Shauna had become an adult, Jackie had seemed so much more human to her. She was still just as ethereal as she was all those years ago, but she no longer seemed untouchable. Shauna was actually taller than her now. She had held Jackie’s hand, made Jackie blush and stutter. Jackie had basically told her a joke.
Bringing out that side of Jackie was exhilarating to her, even more so than the actual killing.
As her college graduation was rapidly approaching, Shauna was more concerned with planning her next meeting with Jackie than writing her senior thesis. The thesis was easy; planning to see Jackie was infinitely more difficult. The logistics alone were tough, but Shauna wanted to share her graduation with her. Her mom wasn’t able to get off of work for the ceremony, and Shauna hadn’t heard from her father since his three-minute birthday call. She just wanted to make sure she got to share that moment with the person she loved the most.
It was summer, which made it much harder to get away with things. More people were out later at night, and it was far more likely for the bodies to be found. Making an “accident” occur again would be tough. No one Shauna knew now had any severe allergies that she knew of, and she didn’t really want to deal with the insurance nightmare of getting into a car accident.
So, Shauna did what any sane person would do. She found a forum of people who wanted it. As the internet had blossomed and grown, Shauna had found many sites in her searches for people who had similar thoughts and urges to her own. There were even some people who wanted to be murdered, and it was infinitely easier for them to worry about the logistics than Shauna.
It was strange to do it this way. It felt…impersonal, but if Shauna wanted to schedule an exact time this was the easiest way.
Shauna walked across the stage after waiting hours for them to get to her name, grabbing her diploma to the sound of polite, obligatory applause. She didn’t even head back to her seat after. She walked right out of the ceremony. There were no on-campus celebrations worth sticking around for. Hopping into her car in her cap and gown, she started the drive up to Maine for her own celebration.
It was only a little over a three hour drive to the isolated spot on the Appalachian Trail they had decided on. The small, worn down lot was empty when Shauna arrived, but that was the point. Her client was hiking there. No car left behind to cause questions. She left her car, still in her cap and gown, and headed for the trail.
It was a mile or so hike to get to the main part of the trail, and then Shauna waited. The nature was beautiful. The trees were lush and green, and there was a light breeze that made wearing her gown in the early summer evening tolerable. There was the constant buzzing of life around her that Shauna felt with every breath.
She had done a lot of research before committing to this. She didn’t want to be caught out, or have this turn on her. Though the trail was serene, people went missing on it every year, and most of them were never found. It was an ideal place for someone to disappear and kind of poetic—being reclaimed by nature.
Shauna waited there for half an hour before there was the crunching of boots approaching on the trail. The man that appeared through the trees was entirely unremarkable. He was middle-aged and definitely someone Shauna would call pathetic if she saw him out and about. He came to an abrupt stop as he saw Shauna, his eyes widening.
“Angel?” That was her forum handle. Shauna nodded. “I didn’t expect you to be…” He gave her a once over. “Did you just graduate?” Shauna nodded. “Oh, congratulations.”
“Are you ready?” Shauna spoke for the first time. The man nodded. “Come on,” Shauna motioned with her head off the trail to a spot she had scouted while she waited. It was behind a large fallen log on the other side of a creek. It would be nice.
She heard the man follow after her, his steps heavy and loud over the trickling creek. When she got to the spot, she turned back toward him. He came to a stop a few feet away. “Before we do this, could you do something for me?”
He took a moment, then nodded.
“In your last moments could you love me?...I need you to love me while I do this.” His eyes widened at the request, momentarily baffled, but he nodded. Shauna smiled. “Good, now get on your knees.”
The man dropped like a stone, and Shauna cupped his face with her right hand. He stared up at her in awe and a thrill shot up her spine at the look. She slipped her hand under her gown, pulling out her switch blade. She rubbed his cheek delicately with her thumb. “Tell me.”
“I love you,” the man said without hesitation and with enough conviction that Shauna believed it.
“You don’t know how much that means to me,” Shauna said sincerely. She dragged her blade across his throat, holding his face so he still looked up at her, even as he sputtered and gargled and shook. She lowered him to the ground gently as he gasped, then sat on the log to watch.
His fingers were the last things to twitch before he stopped moving, and suddenly Shauna was no longer alone. She felt Jackie’s presence next to her, and turned to find her Angel sitting next to her on the log. Jackie was already looking at her.
“Hey, Jax,” Shauna breathed out in relief that it had worked. Jackie raised an eyebrow at the new nickname, but a smile still crept onto her lips. “I graduated today…I wanted to celebrate with you.”
Jackie looked her up and down, then reached up to the tassel on her cap. She lifted it over to the other side and made sure it fell nicely. Her graduation was official. “Congratulations, Shauna.”
Before Jackie could pull her hand all the way back, Shauna took it and pressed it against her cheek, curling into it. She sighed at the comfort, closing her eyes. Jackie’s thumb brushed ever so slightly against her cheek, then she pulled away. “I’m proud of you.” There was a light pressure at the center of her forehead, one she remembered vividly from her childhood, then Jackie was gone.
Shauna gasped. Her hand lifted to the spot Jackie had kissed, touching it gently. “I love you.” Shauna whispered out into the woods, hoping Jackie heard her.
She returned to her car without another glance at the man she left behind, stopping only to wash her knife off in the creek. She pulled her cap and gown off and tossed it into the trunk. There were a few spots of blood that she’d have to wash off, but luckily Brown’s gowns were already, well, brown, so any old bloodstains wouldn’t be too obvious.
When she made it back to campus, nobody questioned her absence beyond her explanation of going for a celebratory hike.
————————————
After graduation Shauna moved to a small, crappy apartment in New York City. She worked at a publishing house while she wrote her first book; a crime thriller.
She was never lacking options in New York, but her graduation gift had put things in perspective for her. There had been something about being out in nature that felt better. It was simultaneously freeing and filled her with an interconnectedness that she’d only felt whenever she saw Jackie. She tried to schedule and plan; she never wanted to become a nuisance to Jackie. She figured twice a year would work, with the allowance of maybe one unplanned if she felt overwhelmed by the heat of the moment.
Shauna would find her mark, sometimes on an app beforehand, sometimes at a bar in a random town, and sometimes the mark would find her instead—some rich misogynist who treated everyone around him like shit. Those were the most fun. She made sure they were in New Jersey, though, always New Jersey. It just felt right, doing all this back home. She would take them on a drive back to her place or a hotel, but they would stop along the way. She told them she simply couldn’t wait any longer. The men rarely noticed where they were, didn't notice that they had pulled off in the Pinelands.
The news called her heartless—a monster. Someone so unfeeling without care for human life. But that was wrong. Shauna cared. She loved every single person she had killed because they loved her. That was the whole point. If they didn’t love her, she wouldn’t see Jackie when they died. They called her The Jersey Devil due to her body drop area, which Shauna found delightfully apt. She’d gladly be The Jersey Devil if it meant she got to see her Angel.
It was Shauna’s purpose. Shauna would hold their hands and send them to Jackie, who would ferry them onward. Life was violent and cruel. Shauna was doing them a favor, and getting to see the one she loved while doing so.
————————————
“Shauna. You keep doing this.”
Shauna’s eyes snapped to the front seat where a familiar, cloaked figure sat. “Jax,” Shauna smiled, “I needed to see you again.”
“Is thirty seconds with me really worth this?” She turned in the seat and motioned to the body.
“A single second with you would be worth anything.” Shauna leaned forward, resting her head against the back of the seat.
Jackie reached out, gently tucking some stray hairs behind Shauna’s ear. “You really believe that, don’t you?” Her fingers trailed delicately against Shauna’s skin.
She held her breath, eyes falling shut as she focused on the sensation. She nodded her head at Jackie’s question.
“I guess I’ll see you soon then,” Jackie whispered and Shauna thought it had almost sounded hopeful.
————————————
“How much do you know about me?” Shauna asked through gritted teeth as she dragged a body across the forest floor. Jackie had just appeared walking beside her. She tilted her head as she considered the question.
“I know everything about you, Shauna.”
Shauna dropped the body to the ground to look at Jackie, her cheeks flushed. “Can you read my mind?”
“No,” Jackie answered. Shauna wasn’t sure if she was relieved or disappointed. “But, I usually get the gist.”
“What do you—?”
“You feel very intensely,” Jackie smiled. It was almost cheeky and definitely knowing.
She knelt down while looking at Shauna, and Shauna thought she might pass out. Her mouth dropped open slightly.
“It’s endearing.” Jackie grabbed the body’s hand and disappeared. Shauna could’ve sworn she winked as she did.
————————————
“Shouldn’t you be discouraging me?” Shauna sank her knife into the man’s bloodied, wound filled chest again. He had already died, but Shauna couldn’t stop yet. He had been a horrible, miserable man.
Jackie stood off to the side, looking at Shauna and not the body. “I think we’re well past that at this point.”
She stabbed one more time, catching her breath as she rested her weight against the knife’s handle, lodging it further into the carcass. “I just keep thinking that eventually you’ll tell me to stop.”
“Would you?”
Shauna glanced up at Jackie, wiping her hair from her face, trailing blood across her skin. She thought about it for a moment. If Jackie asked her, would she stop killing people? The answer came almost immediately. She shook her head.
“I have no say on what’s right or wrong; I just witness it and guide everyone along.” Jackie reached over to straighten out Shauna’s hair. Her thumb brushed against Shauna’s forehead, wiping the blood like ash.
“I love you,” Shauna whispered reverently.
Jackie did not look surprised at the admission. Her face hardly changed other than her eyes. They became glassy with sadness and a deep longing that Shauna couldn’t even see past the surface. She was gone the next moment.
She hadn’t said it back.
————————————
Shauna’s book was a success, reaching the New York Times’ bestseller list. She had written under a pseudonym—Jacqueline Taylor—since she had no desire for fame. Any spotlight on her would likely lead to increased scrutiny in her activities, and she couldn’t have that.
Her coworkers had gotten nosy, asking about her personal life, and unfortunately she wasn’t making enough on writing to quit her job at the publisher just yet. They always wanted to know if she was seeing anybody—“We just want to make sure you’re not letting your youth pass you by!” Admittedly, Shauna hadn’t been with anyone—outside of killing them—in a while.
Ever since she and Jackie had started talking more it had gotten harder to sleep with women. It felt like a betrayal to do so, even if she thought of Jackie the entire time. The months in between seeing her were hard though. Shauna took care of herself, riding her own fingers, panting Jackie’s name into her pillow, knowing that Jackie would know what she’d done.
She wondered if Jackie would ever bring it up, or if Shauna would have to. Shauna often thought about what they might be able to accomplish in their time together. If Shauna was prepped enough, Jackie could definitely finish her off in thirty seconds. And Shauna was nothing if not stubborn; she’d dive under those robes and work her mouth as much as possible. Maybe if Jackie was distracted she’d stay longer.
————————————
She might have underestimated this one.
He had seemed innocuous enough, but Shauna hadn’t expected him to have a pocket knife so readily available. Luckily he only got one attack in before Shauna stabbed him in his neck. Her side burned from the slice, and he had ruined her dress. She popped the car door open, and they both fell out of the back seat.
She groaned. Her face pressed against the grass and dirt of the forest. She could feel the blood trickle across her stomach as she watched it seep from around the knife in the man’s neck across from her. Reaching across, she pulled the knife free. A gurgling hissing escaped the wound as his body struggled to take its last breaths.
Gritting her teeth, Shauna pushed herself up to lean against the car. She pressed her hand against her own wound and tilted her head so she could see the man next to her.
His chest finally stilled as Shauna’s side throbbed.
“Is it time alre—Shauna?” Jackie cut herself off, appearing crouched next to Shauna in the blink of an eye. “What happened?” Jackie took Shauna’s hand, lifting it slightly to peek at the wound beneath it.
It took her a moment to answer. She was reveling in the fact that this was the most Jackie had ever touched her. “I didn’t realize he had a knife,” she murmured, nodding toward the man. Jackie didn’t even spare him a glance.
“That was careless,” she scolded. It sounded like she cared. Shauna nodded, eyes wide and staring at Jackie. Jackie pressed Shauna’s hand back against the wound, closed her eyes, and sighed in relief. “You’ll live.”
Shauna really hadn’t been concerned.
“You have to be careful,” Jackie said softly and finally looked up at Shauna. “I can’t save you from death, even if you are my favorite.”
It wasn’t an I love you, but it was pretty damn close. Shauna grinned. “Don’t worry. It’ll take a lot more than a switchblade to keep me from you.”
The weight of Jackie’s gaze cupped her face. Shauna hadn’t ever felt her heartbeat in four places before now. She felt it throb in her side, race in her chest, drum in her ears, and catch in her throat. After several seconds, Jackie leaned forward and brushed her lips against Shauna’s cheek. Shauna watched wide-eyed as Jackie pulled away.
She reached behind herself, grabbed the man’s hand, and disappeared. It was the first time Shauna had ever seen Jackie ferry someone on without even sparing them a glance. The thought that Jackie didn’t look at that man because he had hurt her filled her with a warmth combated only by the cool outline of her lips that Shauna still felt on her cheek.
She let her head thud back against the car. Starlight shone down through the trees and caressed her cheek. Her skin was still buzzing. Her cleaner hand traced slowly against the edge of her dress, teasing against her thighs and satin. Her fingers slipped down between her thighs, meeting the damp warmth of her underwear. Her thighs twitched as she pressed against the wet spot on the fabric, a small gasp echoing toward the sky. She hoped Jackie was watching.
Her fingers ran along her underwear a few more times before hooking around the edge and pulling them to the side. She slid her fingers across her clit, dragging them down to circle around her entrance. They moved smoothly back up to her clit, brushing against it again, then going back down.
She breathed deeply as she worked herself up. Her hips rocked against the ground, searching for more friction. Her eyes closed. Jackie’s hands were on her waist, on her hand. Her lips were pressed against her cheek. Shauna felt Jackie’s hands move as she kissed down her neck. They slid down her waist until they gripped at her hips.
Jackie licked up Shauna’s neck as she slipped two fingers inside herself.
“Jax,” she gasped out at the sky. Jackie’s hands moved to Shauna’s inner thighs, spreading her open further as she mouthed at her neck. Shauna pumped her fingers slowly, crooking them slightly to drag against her walls as she did. Her thumb dragged over her clit.
With each stroke Shauna got closer to the edge. She could still hear Jackie’s voice, carried by the cool breeze of the night.
“Shauna.” Her lips brushed up against Shauna’s ear. Shauna’s breath hitched. “My favorite.”
Shauna’s fingers curled, pressing exactly where she needed. Her body tensed as the orgasm rolled through her. In the darkness behind her eyelids she saw Jackie guiding her through it, slowly pumping her fingers as she murmured praises into Shauna’s neck.
Her body slumped against the car and the dirt. She pulled her fingers out slowly, bringing them to her mouth. She didn’t open her eyes yet; she wasn’t ready for Jackie to leave. She sucked herself from her fingers, a familiar tangy taste with a stronger hint of iron than usual. Shauna moaned. She didn’t know if the blood was hers or his, but it didn’t really matter. The taste was the same.
Once she had cleaned the taste from her fingers her hand fell back into her lap. She opened her eyes slowly, and was only slightly crestfallen to see that Jackie wasn’t there. Instead, she stared up at the stars in the sky, twinkling down on her, and hoped one of them was Jackie. She sat there basking in it for several minutes before she finally started her usual body disposal steps, making sure she cleaned all of her blood from him.
By the time she finished, the blood had coagulated enough that it stopped dripping down her side. She’d have to disinfect it when she got home, but she’d probably be fine. Unfortunately she’d have to burn her dress. She looked hot in that one, too.
The wound ended up leaving a light scar, but Shauna just thought about Jackie whenever she caught sight of it in the mirror.
————————————
Adam wasn't planned. He was one of the cover artists that the publisher worked with, and her coworkers introduced them at one of the book launch parties. According to her coworkers: they were both single, so why shouldn’t they give it a shot? He was attractive, and Shauna had been pent up. A fling couldn’t hurt anything.
He was a bit of a bleeding heart, but he let Shauna choke him in bed so she could deal with listening to him talk for a bit. It was meant to be a one or two time thing, but Adam just kept coming back. The sex was fine enough. Though it was slightly harder to picture Jackie during, Shauna still managed.
Time passed quickly between work and writing and Adam and thinking about Jackie. Before Shauna realized, it was coming up in the six month mark and nearly time to see Jackie again. The thought of seeing Jackie again always keyed her up, so she agreed when Adam invited her over to his place for dinner. She could work off some steam.
Throughout the candlelit evening, Shauna nodded as Adam talked. She smiled and responded when prompted, while she planned her trip to New Jersey in her mind. She took a sip of red wine. Next weekend could probably work. She chewed on another piece of her steak. Maybe she’d check online again. She wiped at her mouth with her napkin. Worse comes to worst she could hit another bar.
“Shauna,” Adam cleared his throat nervously as he placed his hand on top of Shauna’s. Shauna paused in her planning, focusing on him over the bouquet of flowers in the middle of the table. “These last six months with you have been incredible.” His thumb traced lightly over Shauna’s hand. Her fingers twitched against the cutlery. “You’re smart and funny and beautiful. I love you, and I’ve been thinking…maybe it’s time we take the next steps.”
Shauna’s hand fisted beneath his. “I didn’t think we were there yet.” That didn't seem to deter Adam. He stood up, circling the table to stand next to Shauna.
“We’re great together, Shauna.” The sex was good. “You’re the person I think of when I wake up every morning.” Shauna thought of Jackie every morning when she woke up and every night before bed. “I see a life with you.” Shauna’s life revolved in a six month cycle until she could see Jackie again.
Adam sat down in the chair right next to Shauna, taking her left hand between his. “I’ve thought about this a lot, and I think we should move in together.”
“What?” Shauna’s hand tightened.
“Just think about it!” There was no way. “We could spend way more time together and save on rent.” Shauna wouldn’t be able to slip away easily anymore. He was asking her to give up Jackie. “Maybe you can finally let me in on what makes you so mysterious.” He waggled his eyebrows, but Shauna’s brain was racing.
He wanted her to give up Jackie. He was going to make her choose. He wouldn’t understand. He would tell someone. She would get locked away. She wouldn’t be able to see Jackie anymore. He would take Jackie away from her. He had to go.
Her right hand acted before the rest of her body caught up. Adam gaped at her, wide-eyed. His hands dropped hers to press around the hilt of the steak knife that was buried in his heart.
“Shau—“ he gasped.
Shauna reached back over, taking the hilt of the knife and pulling it from his chest. Blood squirted from the wound, staining the tablecloth and splattering across Shauna. A few drops even landed in her wine glass. He lurched to the side, falling off the chair and onto the floor. The thud of his body hitting the floor was loud enough to jolt Shauna back to the moment.
“Shit!” She jumped up from her chair and surveyed the room. That wasn’t the plan. Adam had friends and—Shauna tilted her head—she didn’t know if he had family. Either way, people would notice his absence eventually.
Shauna watched as Adam’s body stopped moving and his pained gasps trickled to a stop.
When Jackie appeared in the room, she took in the scene. Her eyes flickered from Shauna, to Adam, to the candlelit table, then back to Shauna.
“This is new.”
“It was an accident.” Shauna massaged her temples with her right hand. She collapsed back into the chair.
“What happened?” Jackie sat down in the seat Adam had just been in. Their knees pressed together under the table. Shauna stared down at their knees until Jackie placed her hand on top of Shauna’s. Her head snapped up to stare at Jackie who was still waiting for an answer.
“He wanted to move in together—started talking about all of these plans for the future, but none of them included you. He wouldn’t understand. He would make me give up seeing you. And I would never.” Shauna shook her head, imploring Jackie to believe her.
“I know you wouldn’t,” Jackie said softly. She cupped Shauna’s cheek, and Shauna let out a shuddering breath of relief. Her eyes closed as she leaned in to Jackie’s comforting touch.
“I love you,” Shauna whispered. Her eyes opened just enough to see through her eyelashes at Jackie’s sad, longing expression, wishing that she’d finally say it back.
Instead, Jackie closed the distance between them. She pulled Shauna in by her cheek, and Shauna’s breath hitched as Jackie’s lips hovered above hers. They paused there for just a second, just long enough to breathe each others’ air. Shauna surged forward, unable to take the distance any longer.
Her lips tingled as they moved against Jackie’s. Jackie’s lips were cold and warm and soft and rough and smooth all at once. It was how Shauna imagined kissing starlight might feel. She held Shauna to her with the hand on her cheek. Shauna’s hands fisted in her robes, dying to pull Jackie right onto her lap.
Shauna was the one who ended up needing to pull away first. She rested her forehead against Jackie’s, gasping for breath.
“I need to go,” Jackie murmured against her lips. Shauna shook her head, her grip tightening. “You have some cleaning up to do.”
Jackie pulled away, working Shauna’s grip from her robes while Shauna sat, stunned.
“I’ll see you soon.” She leaned down to press a kiss to Shauna’s forehead then looked down at Adam. She took his hand. With one final glance toward Shauna she disappeared, leaving Shauna to clean up her mess.
Shauna cleaned the apartment to the best of her ability. She wrapped his body in a couple of trash bags and stuffed him into his large suitcase. She used every drop of bleach that Adam had in his apartment and stuffed anything that couldn’t be cleaned in a trash bag. She put on gloves and washed the knife with soap first, then bleach. She put all of the dishes away.
By the time she had finished everything, it was nearly midnight. She hopped into the shower, washing away any remnants of the night. Sifting through Adam’s closet, Shauna took a pair of sweatpants, a shirt, and a flannel to change into. She stuffed her dress into the trash bag with the rest of the things she needed to get rid of.
With that, she took the trash bag in one hand and wheeled the suitcase out with another. Luckily, Adam lived in a shitty old building that didn't have any cameras to catch Shauna leaving. She hefted the suitcase into the trunk, tossed the trash bag into the back seat, and hopped behind the wheel.
She needed some time away from the city anyway to work on her next book. She’d just tell work that she needed a few weeks to take care of her mom. An hour and a half-or-so later she reached a sufficiently abandoned stretch of the Pinelands and pulled off to the side of the road. She hefted the suitcase from her trunk and dragged it into the forest, flashlight in hand. The wheels ground against the dirt and rocks, making each inch a struggle. She walked until she reached a small creek. Plenty of animals would stroll through.
The suitcase dropped to the ground, kicking up dirt. Her shoulder throbbed in pain. She unzipped the suitcase just enough to make it easier to access, then hurried back the way she came. Most people knew better than to stop and examine a car on the side of the road in the middle of the Pine Barrens, but you could never be too careful.
Thankfully, Shauna returned to the car without issue. On her drive back up to Wiskayok, she stopped at one of the many abandoned brick buildings lining the road. Without any hesitation, she tossed the trash bag into an empty industrial barrel inside the building and set the contents of the bag on fire. The flames ate away at the fabrics balled up inside of the bag and melted away the plastic surrounding it. She didn’t stay to watch for much longer.
It was just about 4 am by the time she made it to Wiskayok. Her mother would definitely have questions if she showed up at home that early, so she went to the motel instead.
She dropped into the stiff, uncomfortable mattress. The ceiling fan rattled unevenly as the blades spun. Her finger traced delicately along her lips. She drifted off while thinking about the press of Jackie’s lips against her own.
————————————
When she called work the following morning they were sympathetic and told her to take as much time as she needed. She planned to take them up on that offer.
Her mom was surprised when she walked through the door, but took her answer at face value. She headed off to bed after her night shift, leaving Shauna to her own devices.
Returning to her old room was a blast from the past. Despite how often she found herself in New Jersey, she rarely came back home to visit for long enough to stay the night. It looked exactly the same as it did in high school. Posters covered the wall. Clothes that she hadn’t deemed important enough still lined the closet. Her drawings of Jackie still covered the cork board behind her desk.
She sat in the chair, looking at the drawings showing how she used to remember Jackie. Now the image of her was so vibrant, Shauna could see her whenever she closed her eyes. She sat staring at those drawings for a long time before she was struck with an idea. She went down to the computer room, opened the word processor, and started typing.
Words flowed from her like they never had before. One page after another was typed into existence. Shauna only got up to grab food, go to the bathroom, and sleep when it became necessary. Her mom peeked in once a day just to see if she was still there, but otherwise they barely spoke. The story came to her so easily: a woman who fell in love with an Angel. The lengths she’d go to to see her. How could she be blamed when she had been touched by divinity? Favored by an Angel?
Days continued to pass by as Shauna wrote her story. The only issue was—she still didn’t know how it would end. How long could it continue? The main character would never stop, even if she knew she couldn’t get away with it forever. It was a compulsion she couldn’t live without.
That was her answer in and of itself.
The doorbell rang on the sixteenth day. Shauna’s fingers paused on the keyboard. She was in the middle of her final paragraph. A few moments later, a fist pounded on the door. “Police!” came muffled through the door. She finished her final sentence as the pounding continued and saved.
Halfway to the front door, Shauna stopped. If she opened that door it was unlikely she’d ever walk free again. She couldn’t have that. Grabbing the knife was instinctual. So was going out the back door. They hadn’t looked around the backyard yet. The pounding on the door got louder, the wood splintering around the handle. Heavy boots crunched around the side of the house.
Shauna didn’t really know where she was going until she stopped. Sir Flops’ grave. Marked only by a smooth stone. She crouched down in front of the marker, placing her hand on it. It was really all thanks to him that she had even met Jackie in the first place. She owed him her life.
The handle of the knife sat perfectly in her hand as the tip of it pressed against her heart. Like it was meant to be. Shauna took a deep, steadying breath. Her lips tingled as her tongue wet them once more. The knife wedged into her heart like it had done for so many before. She fell forward, catching herself over Sir Flops’ grave with one hand while the other grasped around the knife. Her breath exhaled all at once as if she’d been punched, and blood trickled from her mouth into the dirt.
She grabbed the knife and twisted, rolling herself onto her back. She gasped for air, her lungs unable to take a full breath. She stared at the sky, distantly aware of the sounds in the house and around the side. Those all faded the moment Jackie knelt over her. Her face shielded Shauna’s face from the sun, haloing her head. It was the most beautiful thing Shauna had ever seen.
“You’re…early,” Shauna gasped. Tears ran down the corners of her eyes, dripping into the ground past her ears.
“I wanted to spend more time with you,” Jackie’s voice warbled. Her tears rained down onto Shauna’s cheeks. They were so warm against her skin.
“‘m cold, Jax,” her words slurred.
“I know.” Jackie smoothed over Shauna’s hair and cupped her cheek.
“Can I stay?” Shauna didn’t want to move on. She didn’t want to be without Jackie—didn't know how to be without Jackie.
“I—“ Jackie’s voice caught in her throat.
“Please,” she mumbled, “don’t…wanna…go.” Shauna shifted her hand with everything left of her strength latch on to Jackie’s robes. “Love you.”
A sob bubbled out of Jackie. Her hand dropped on top of Shauna’s, gripping it tightly. “I love you, Shauna.” That was all Shauna had ever hoped for. She grinned. Jackie leaned down, capturing her lips. Shauna did her best to return the kiss, but her mouth stopped listening to her. When Jackie pulled away she brushed her lips gently across Shauna’s face, making sure to get her cheeks, the bridge of her nose, her eyelids, and her forehead.
Their foreheads rested together for a moment as they existed as one.
Shauna’s final breaths left her in a huff of relief as she stared into the face of the person she loved most in heaven and earth, knowing that Jackie finally loved her, too.
————————————
Shauna knelt next to the man, feet planted in blood that should stain the sandals she now always wore but never did. His chest was littered with stab wounds, but there was no finesse to it at all. She shook her head.
“Judging crime scenes again?” Jackie stood behind her, running her fingers through her hair. Shauna sighed, tilting her head back into the touch and reveling at the feeling.
“Just observing,” she hummed.
“Make sure you don’t fall too behind, love,” Jackie leaned down to whisper in her ear. She pressed a quick kiss to Shauna’s cheek and then she was off again. They really could only spare a few moments here and there while they were working.
“I’d never,” Shauna responded to the air.
She took his hand in hers to ferry him along, just like almost all those who came before and after.