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It was sickening the way I stared after her. Her laughing with her hair hanging down and caressing her neck, it plagued me like no one else has done. All of it has made my fingers itch. The need to get fresh air caused punishments I'd only endure for her. A heavy wind that can take me off my feet.
I hated the way my heart skipped a beat at her praise, the way I had to choke down saliva that shouldn't even be lodged in my throat. I had jumped blindly into her arms with no shame. Faint memories of divine pleasure twisted in my mind and only caused pain. The words spoken in them could be corrupted into sharp daggers through my chest. Any moment of time, but some more than others.
It shouldn't make me feel this way. The words were coated with a casual cruelty that could only be created from someone blind to understanding the consequences of their actions. Attempts at turning it around, at twisting it to fit my hopes and desperations, they all failed to matter, and without knowing that something must have been up, they hit a wall of deceit.
I told myself that it would never be over, but I keep getting carried away by her charms. It's happened before I swore, but I know there's a difference from there and now, and I would swear by that until I'm forced to fall. The rage and sorrow was trapped inside, knowing that she really knows me.
It couldn't die. There was no way to breathe on a stage of fools. With me dressed as the clown, the play continued as the light disguised my loneliness. Her, the Star of it all, remained dancing, careless to the grief that beat me until my blood screamed I was alive. The rage ebbed and flowed red, just to be mixed with baby blue that reminds me of you. Shining, they flashed.
I tried everything I could, falling down holes I would otherwise never go. I would stand at a lurch, thinking about mercy and all things tossed off the edge. Terror gripped me in every step of her shadow and I would crawl for more. My attempts to please her never changed a thing except to cripple me further.
It followed me where ever I went, all of her thoughts and perversions helped blend the clone of me together. Knee deep and exchanging body heat, only a dream could hope for a mix of the best aspects, and it did, the dream was made a reality. It cracked as a shuttering, seizure-ing riff split us. The self fufilling prophecy was created like a pill under her tongue, formed by her own callousness.
I know I did wrong, there was no way I couldn't have. I betrayed this from the start, skeletons washed away by the rain. It's pathetic and insidious except when the stage audience claps for more. I can hear their reassurances follow me as you twist it. I would call it a relief but the sickness in my lungs blooms with a spew of vomit at their cheers.
It took nothing to call me back. A conductor calling me onboard with your beautiful voice, wasting my precious time to buy another ticket. I'd just trip and fall if I tried to forget everything about you, despite the means and ways. It should have lasted years, but the day breaks until my mind aches and accidentally forgets.
I have tried so desperately to haunt you. To make your every action sound like me. I'll keep on trying until the day I die. As hard as this will sound, I will infest you as lovingly as I can. I swear I won't bend or break, I'll walk that line until I die. Like a two dollar bill, I know I'll never marry you. And I know a calm will come but I swear to exist like a fishy wine you remember in the morning.
So many things left unstated and unsaid, all covered by a beach breeze. So many commonalities left in the dust, too heavy to be carried away to freedom. So many moments of despair disguised by those who I unknowingly interrupted, left to be rapped and alone on top of the ferris wheel. And so knowing it was blackened, my heart crumbled in a mess of parts unable to be vacuumed, and I'll beg it to form again with my symphony in mind.