Chapter Text
Occtis kept his gaze on Julien as subtly as possible. Ever since Julien had found out that his shadow was hiding Thjazi Fang, he’d been- well, it had been like having Julien from their first days traveling together back again. Except that Julien’s anger and bitterness was firmly fixed at people other than Occtis this time.
He wasn’t sure whether or not that was a relief. Occtis didn’t doubt his own abilities to handle Julien’s temper, not after what they'd gone through together. Some of their other companions might snap if Julien pushed them hard enough.
“You like watching, don’t you?”
Occtis didn't let himself jump at the sound of Bolaire’s voice, doing his best to show as little emotion as possible. He hadn’t made up his mind about Bolaire yet. He didn’t particularly enjoy how fascinated Bolaire had been with him after he’d been resurrected on that terrible night. The revelations about what Bolaire was added an element of intrigue to Occtis's feelings but he still didn't feel like they knew each other well enough for him to start asking any potentially intrusive questions.
“I enjoy it too,” Bolaire continued. “And Julien is a fine specimen, to be sure. Though I’m not sure I’d recommend pursuing him. He’s messy and sloppy, especially when he drinks.”
And Bolaire was a gossip, which meant that Occtis should avoid telling him anything personal, lest his own foibles be spilled the way that Bolaire was currently sharing Julien’s.
Julien moved smoothly as he continued his nightly practice. ‘Messy’ and ‘sloppy’ weren’t the first words that Occtis would reach for when describing him. Graceful. Determined. A bit of an asshole.
“I watch everyone,” Occtis said, which was the truth, though he didn't watch everyone the same way that he watched Julien. “I like to learn new things.”
Still, Bolaire calling him out on staring meant that he’d been too obvious.
Occtis turned his full attention to Bolaire, not letting his eyes drift back to Julien for the rest of the evening.
Traveling up the Miller’s Road to Timmon's Rock had been safe enough, and King Gus seemed a useful ally.
Next, they traveled through Timmony towards the city of Houndsport.
A few days out of Timmon's Rock, they were beset by a large group of bandits on the road. Or, they appeared to be bandits, though Occtis had his suspicions that they might have been hired by the Candescent Creed to cause trouble in Timmony.
The battle was… rough, though they all survived, mostly intact.
“What the fuck was that?” Julien’s voice was loud and clear and, most of all, more furious than Occtis had ever heard it before.
He grimaced slightly, but he wasn’t the one being yelled at, not this time, so he decided to take a few steps away from the group to begin the process of re-summoning Pin, who’d been destroyed in the battle.
“What was what?” Thimble asked, and she sounded genuinely confused. Human-sized again, and Occtis had almost gotten used to that. “Kattigan saved your life back there. Why are you so angry about it?”
It was an odd little reminder that Thimble hadn’t been along during Occtis’s trip with Julien to the old empire. She didn’t know Julien, not really. She knew some version of him that he’d been before his father had been murdered, but she didn’t know him now.
“I didn’t need any help,” Julien said, and Occtis could see him glaring around at the others. “I was fine.”
Occtis couldn’t help but glance over at Vaelus, and he wasn’t surprised to see her looking back at him. She was the other one who’d been with them in the Eternal Night, and was used to Julien’s ways.
Not that Vaelus was any better herself when it came to pretending that she didn’t need anyone.
He missed Thaisha. Always, but especially in moments like this. It had been good to have another person around who got frustrated whenever Julien or Vaelus acted like it didn’t matter if they survived.
“You were bleeding pretty heavily,” Kattigan said. He was holding Bolaire’s mask in one hand. The… the host that Bolaire had been using had been killed in the battle, and now they would have to face the difficult choice of whether or not to feed another person to the mask. “Could have died if you’d taken another hit.”
“Yes, and it would be such a shame if I had.” Julien’s tone was pure venom. “You would have wept bitterly about it, I’m sure. Because you all care about me so much.”
Pin popped quietly into existence, and Occtis dropped to one knee to give him a pet on the top of his head. There was a sour taste in the back of Occtis's throat, where there shouldn't be any sensation of taste at all.
“I don’t understand,” Vaelus said, and she reached out to touch Julien’s arm. “Why are you so upset?”
Julien closed his eyes, his jaw working. Then he shook Vaelus’s hand off.
“I need some time alone,” he said, and he stalked away from them all.
“What is wrong with that man?” Kattigan asked. “Fuck, I’ve never seen anyone react that way to being healed.”
Occtis gave another soft pat to Pincushion and got back to his feet.
“He’s… complicated,” he said. “I think I better have a talk with him.”
“Just you?” Thimble asked, raising an eyebrow. It was much easier to make out all her facial expressions now that she was around the same height as Occtis. “He has a quick temper.”
“He won’t hurt me,” Occtis said. There was a time when he had been in danger from Julien, but that felt like forever ago, even if it hadn’t actually been that long at all. “And I think I know what’s gotten him riled up.”
Thimble made a face and said, “Fine. But leave Pin here, in case you need to call for help.”
He gave her a smile of acknowledgment before heading into the woods to follow Julien.
The light was fading, night coming swiftly upon them.
Still, it wasn’t hard to find Julien — he was swearing up a storm and occasionally punching a tree.
Or, more accurately, punching any tree that dared to show his shadow, no matter how faintly.
Occtis wasn’t trying to be quiet, so it wasn’t a surprise when Julien whirled around to face him, hand falling to the hilt of his sword.
“Fuck off, I need to- oh.” Julien’s face smoothed, his hand moving away from his sword. “Occtis. I wasn’t- did someone heal you?”
“I’m fine,” Occtis said, and it really was true for him, in a way that it hadn’t been for Julien. Occtis had only taken one hit. Julien had been in the thick of the fight and had been cut in several places before being healed, blood soaking his clothing. Occtis lifted his hand. “May I clean you up?”
Julien shrugged, so Occtis cast a quick Prestidigitation, clearing away the blood and leaving his clothes clean, if still damaged.
He was achingly beautiful. Occtis tried not to think about it, for any number of reasons, but the thought was difficult to avoid in moments like this. The last dim light of sunset clung to Julien’s sharp features, as if it was loathe to release him and fade away. His curls were tousled from battle and there was such a vibrant life to him.
“You didn’t want them to heal you,” Occtis said, keeping his voice even.
“Waste of time and resources,” Julien said dismissively.
“Was it?” Occtis asked. “You seemed pretty banged up. If you die, we all have a harder time surviving out here. We need you.”
Julien sneered. “We both know that the people back there don’t give a shit about me. Including you, so you can- you can go back to the others. I need some time alone. That’s all. I don't need anyone's help.”
His words were too familiar.
The sour taste was back in Occtis’s mouth.
He was going to need to take a risk.
They couldn’t afford to have Julien snapping at the others the way that he’d been doing the last few days. Julien could be supremely effective when he was thinking tactically, but he didn’t think tactically when he was this upset. Occtis couldn’t fix most of what was upsetting Julien, but maybe he could fix one thing.
“I need to give you an apology,” he said. “I lied to you, back at Obrimus Manor. I was… I was angry that you were trying to prevent me from going back for Thimble. I spoke rashly and- and it was untrue. I care whether or not you die, Julien. I was actually trying to get you to leave without me so that you wouldn't die.” And to save Mara, but that part could remain unspoken.
Julien’s eyes fixed on him, and Occtis met his gaze as boldly as possible.
“Were you.” Julien’s tone was flat, somehow turning an obvious question into something that didn’t sound like a question at all.
“And not all of us see Thjazi when we look at you.”
Julien’s eyes narrowed, his mouth compressing into a thin line, and Occtis felt the thrill that came along with a hypothesis being proved correct. Julien was angry because he felt like Kattigan was helping Thjazi, not Julien.
“Vaelus doesn’t see him in you. I don’t,” Occtis said. He considered mentioning Bolaire but he wasn't certain on that score. Yes, Bolaire hated Thjazi, but in a way that meant that he thought about Thjazi constantly. That might not be a comfort to Julien in this moment. “Yes, Thjazi helped me when I was a child and I owe him a great debt for that. You have saved my life more times than I can count in the past few weeks. And even if that’s only because you think I can be used against my family somehow… you still keep saving me.”
Julien tilted his head. “Hmm. Well.”
He resisted the urge to shift uncomfortably. There was a sort of calculation on Julien’s face that Occtis was used to only seeing in the heat of a battle.
“I suppose I should admit to a lie as well,” Julien said. “Or a half-truth.”
Occtis frowned. “What about?”
Julien’s gaze swung away from Occtis, studying the woods around them. His hand was back on the hilt of his sword again, tapping restlessly. “I left you with a misapprehension, during that same… argument. One that I have not known how to correct.”
Pacing away from him, Julien glared at a nearby tree that showed the faintest hint of a shadow from the dying light. Despite knowing that Thjazi was hiding within, the shadow itself was still firmly Julien’s silhouette.
Silence stretched between them, broken only by Julien’s breathing and the tap of his fingers against his sword hilt. Occtis refrained from asking again. It was clear that the struggle that was occurring was happening inside Julien’s own mind. Not something Occtis could help clarify.
Night had well and truly fallen, the last of the sunlight gone, only the stars and Ilumi's Blanket lighting the woods around them.
“It is- it is not the truth that only two people in this world care about you.” There was a low gravel in Julien’s voice, as if he were forcing the words out against his will. He almost looked in pain. “I should not have let you continue to believe this. It was unkind.”
Occtis blinked and let himself flip around Julien’s words so that they would make more sense.
Fact. In his own circuitous way, Julien appeared to be confessing that he was a person who cared about Occtis.
Fact. Julien wasn’t willing to look him in the eyes while admitting this. Was that a sign that it was a lie, or did that mean it was a truth that was difficult to admit?
Fact. After their argument at Obrimus Manor, Julien now touched Occtis much more frequently. There was always some reason for it, but it was definitely a change from how he’d previously behaved.
Occtis wasn’t experienced enough to know for certain whether that added up to anything. Sir Julien Davinos was the one with the experience, and the reputation. Still, he had a suspicion. It seemed ridiculous, given everything that Occtis was now, but he couldn't entirely dismiss it.
“You sound unhappy about it,” he said, coming a step or two closer to Julien. “Is it such a terrible thing to admit?”
“An inconvenient thing,” Julien said, rubbing at his sword hilt with his thumb, gaze still firmly fixed away from Occtis. “I… when we were making the decisions on where to go as our differing groups, I should have had no hesitation in my choice. The Golden Orchard, to save my sister. I should not have been trying to- trying to find a bargain where I could also… also stay…”
Also stay near Occtis.
“It’s better to travel as a larger group,” Occtis said. “With how dangerous my family is.”
“All of us would die, should we try to face your father as we are now,” Julien said bluntly. “You saw how easily he killed Hannan. We wouldn’t stand a chance against him. Not yet.” There was a hesitation, and then Julien added, ”You’ve seen him show his temper like that before, haven’t you?”
“Not often but yes,” Occtis said. “Never against someone as powerful as Hannan. Only against servants. Convenient thing about being a Tachonis. You can kill your servants as a punishment and still get to use them afterwards.”
“As he tried to use you in the ritual of the Deva Vindicta,” Julien said, and a familiar expression of barely suppressed rage crossed his features, though it only lasted a moment before clarity returned to his face. “Once Primus’s death is within our reach, would you prefer to be the one to strike the killing blow? You have the right to claim it.”
Occtis wasn't certain how to respond at first. He hadn't expect Julien to- to give up his rights to kill Primus himself.
“It doesn’t matter to me," he said after a moment. "Not as long as he ends up dead.”
“Noted,” Julien said. “And Ethrand — would you prefer to end him?”
Occtis pressed his hand against his abdomen, where he could feel the hard seam where Thaisha had sealed up his insides. “I’m not sure.”
Such a strange feeling, to be planning out the details of his own family’s deaths.
“I did try to speak to Koral, as you wished,” Julien said. “But I do not believe he could have ever been an ally.”
In truth, Occtis hadn’t genuinely thought there was a chance that Koral would survive his encounter with Julien.
It was surprising that Julien had even made the attempt. Such a striking reminder that, behind all his bluster, Julien actually did listen to Occtis.
There was a boldness available to Occtis in death that hadn’t been there in life. Meekness was pointless. What had meekness gotten him? Dead before his twenty-first birthday. Julien had admitted to caring about Occtis. Julien respected Occtis’s wishes as best he could, within his own duties and boundaries.
And he was so lovely in the pale light of the shattered rings of Ilumi's Blanket.
Occtis stepped forward and wrapped his gloved hand around Julien’s wrist, glad that the fabric would keep the chill away from Julien’s skin.
Julien’s eyes snapped to his.
“Apologies if I’m overstepping,” Occtis said, and he leaned forward.
His courage ran out before he could press his lips against Julien’s, leaving him in a torturous limbo. Even if Julien found Occtis physically attractive, actually touching would inevitably be distasteful for him. This was a terrible idea.
“You have to step in order to overstep,” Julien said, a soft amusement in his voice. A hand pressed up against Occtis’s lower back, urged him that last inch towards Julien and-
Julien’s lips were warmer than anything he’d ever touched, like dipping into a hot springs. Occtis knew it only felt that way because of how cold his own mouth was, but that didn’t change the experience of it.
The kiss didn’t last long, but Occtis found himself missing the heat as soon as it was taken away from him, fighting against the desire to surge back into Julien and steal more of that warmth for himself.
“Apologies if I overstepped,” Julien said, but there was an annoying smugness in his tone. “Perhaps you were only trying to smell my hair. Perhaps you were not begging for a kiss.”
“You're such an asshole,” Occtis said.
“Sometimes,” Julien said, the corners of his eyes crinkling. His fingers brushed against Occtis's cheek, lines of warmth against chilled flesh. Occtis struggled to keep himself from leaning into the touch.
This was so stupid of him. Occtis was no better equipped to handle this than Ingrid Einfasen had been, stumbling all over himself because of Julien’s sparkling eyes and smirking half-smile. How many other people had fallen for Julien’s frustrating, tempting charms? How many courtships gifts had Julien accepted and then discarded?
“I am in a much better mood now,” Julien said, and Occtis only barely suppressed the urge to kick him in the shins. Smug, arrogant bastard. Julien cupped his cheek properly and Occtis opened his mouth to welcome the searing heat of his lips and, fuck, his tongue.
Julien hadn’t recoiled away from the taste of Occtis’s mouth. Hadn’t flinched at the temperature of his skin. No, instead he was melding their bodies together, his tongue dancing along the seam of Occtis’s lips and darting inside. Occtis didn't really know how these things usually went, but Julien made it easy to follow his lead.
Occtis was fairly certain he couldn’t actually get hard. Or, well, maybe he could, but he had a feeling it would require focus and work, and probably practice. But that didn’t mean he lacked desire.
In life, his desire had always been rather formless. He hadn't been particularly attracted to any of his fellow students, and while he'd had a crush on Thimble when he was younger, there had been nothing physical about it.
Strange how in death his desires seemed so much more present and potent. Julien's hand stroked his lower back through his clothing and Occtis found himself tipping into a fantasy about Julien slipping his hand underneath Occtis's layers of clothing, touching skin and warming it up, maybe even-
“If you were careful, I think you could fuck me without tearing anything,” he said dreamily. He wanted to snatch the words back as soon as they’d left his mouth, sew up his lips so that he couldn’t say anything else as blatantly desperate.
Julien looked delighted, which made Occtis’s embarrassment deepen.
“Maybe I will,” Julien said. “When we have the opportunity and more privacy than the open woods give us. A soft bed and four walls around us would be for the best. For now, you go back to the others, hmm? I do want some time alone. I won’t curse at anyone when I return.”
“You need them too,” Occtis said. “Even if you’re annoyed by them. Kattigan was only trying to help.”
“Yes, yes, your opinion has been duly noted,” Julien said, waving his hand breezily. “I will give it all proper consideration.”
It felt close to a compulsion when Occtis yanked Julien in for another kiss, feeling helpless and warm and almost like he was still the living and breathing boy that he’d been a few weeks ago.
Julien indulged him for a time and then pushed him away with a laugh that would ring in Occtis’s ears for the rest of the night.
“Go,” he said, his thumb dipping underneath Occtis’s glove to stroke over his skin. Where Occtis’s pulse would be, if his heart still beat. “Before I pin you up against a tree and keep you here long enough to make the others wonder about what’s happening.”
He found, to his own shock, that he was taking in an unsteady breath. What a useless thing to do. He nodded but, even as he was leaving, he kept glancing back at Julien. No longer punching shadows, but pulling out his sword to do some proper practice. From past experience, Occtis knew that Julien would mentally go over any mistakes that he'd believed that he'd made in the battle earlier, do what he could to resolve them in case they came up again in the future.
Occtis had only gone part of the way back to the others when he heard a horrified whisper, “Not Julien! What are you thinking?”
He closed his eyes, but Thimble was right there when he opened them again. Small now, back in her natural pixie form, and hovering close to his face.
“I know what a bad idea it is,” Occtis said, keeping his voice low. “So don’t feel like you need to lecture me. How much of that did you see?”
“Um, all of it,” she admitted. “I followed you. I couldn’t hear much, though. You were pretty quiet and I didn’t want to get close enough to give Julien a chance to spot me.”
“We don’t need to talk about it,” he said, forcing away the humiliation that wanted to jam his throat shut. Even if she hadn’t heard anything, what she’d seen was damning enough.
“I think we probably should. Trusting Julien is always a risk.”
“Julien won’t hurt me,” Occtis said. There were any number of things about Julien that he didn’t feel certain about, but he felt sure about that much. If anything, Julien worked too hard to protect him. "And he hasn't betrayed us yet. I think we can trust him."
“Was this always your plan on how to deal with his tantrum?” Thimble asked.
Occtis sputtered. “No? Of course not!”
“You’re embarrassed,” she said. “You don’t need to be. I accidentally flew in on Thaz and Aranessa a few times. It’s not a big deal. The only problem is that it’s Julien.”
“Julien isn’t a problem,” Occtis said. It wasn’t true. Julien was a tremendous problem. But Julien was his problem. His mess to figure out.
Thimble snorted, her disbelief loud.
“We don’t know how much Thaz sees from Julien’s shadow,” she said. “Ugh, do you think he saw you kissing Julien?”
I don’t really care. He didn’t say it. Whether or not Occtis cared about Thjazi’s opinions on this specific matter, Thimble clearly did.
“I don’t know whether or not he would have an opinion,” Occtis said. “It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other.”
“I mean, it’s not about you, specifically,” Thimble said. “It’s about Julien. He’s a liar, Occtis. He’s pretty and he’s good at charming people into his bed but he isn’t loyal. Just… be careful with him.”
It was strange to hear Julien called disloyal, when that so strongly contradicted everything that Occtis had seen of him. His loyalty to Aranessa seemed unquestionable.
Though he supposed that wasn't really what Thimble was talking about.
“I know what I’m doing,” he said, and he really should stop lying to the people that he cared about. “I have it under control.”
They were close enough to the others that Thimble didn’t answer him directly, just shot him another disbelieving look.
“Did your talk work to calm down the hothead down?” Kattigan asked. He was whittling something by a fire that they must have built while Occtis had been talking to Julien. Wulfric and Pin were curled up together not far from the flames.
“It should be fine,” Occtis said. “He needs some time alone, but he’ll be back soon.”
“Thanks, pretty boy,” Kattigan said. Now that Occtis was closer, it looked like Kattigan was carving a wooden version of Bolaire’s mask.
Occtis should find out whether or not Kattigan actually remembered his name, but it wasn’t important enough to make a fuss about right now.
Nothing more would happen with Julien tonight. It was clear that he didn’t want to parade this new development around any more than Occtis did.
The next time they were in a city would be the true test of whether or not Julien… if Julien actually wanted him. It was difficult to believe that he did. But if he did. And he followed through on his words…
Occtis couldn’t shiver anymore, not really, but what he felt right now was almost like a shiver. Touching Julien had surpassed any of his fantasies, and they’d only kissed.
What would it be like to feel that heat inside his body?
It was only maybe twenty or thirty minutes later when Julien reappeared, strolling back into what was now a well-set up camp for the night. His mood still looked bright, all of his anger gone. Was that from kissing Occtis? It seemed arrogant to think anything like that, especially when it was still difficult to believe that any of what had happened in the woods was more than a daydream.
“You still angry I healed you?” Kattigan called out.
Julien shrugged. “Occtis has convinced me of your good intentions and reminded me of our need to work together as a group.”
“Oh, is that what he did?” Thimble muttered, but she was sitting on top of Pin’s shoulders and thankfully her voice was quiet enough not to carry.
“How can healing someone have bad intentions?” Kattigan asked. “You are a strange man.”
The rest of the evening passed quietly, rolling into another bright morning. At least two more days of travel ahead of them on the road before they reached Houndsport. They should get there before any of the rest of his family arrived. At least of the ones who’d been in Dol-Makjar. The Miller’s Road had saved their group at least a week. Hopefully, they would be able to investigate quickly, and then hop on a boat to take them in the direction of the Golden Orchard. Whatever was left of the Golden Orchard.
Their day of travel went smoothly, with no bandits this time, and their camp was much cheerier as a result.
Occtis had mostly believed that Julien wouldn’t talk to him at all that day, but then he felt a soft tap on his shoulder, and Julien said, “You should get some more practice in with that new sword of yours, yes? Can you make it for us?”
“It only lasts a minute,” Occtis warned, but he got up and followed Julien.
Not to privacy — they were still well within sight of everyone else — but to a space large enough for them to move around easily.
“One minute is long enough, in most cases,” Julien said. “But not for training. You may use my old blade as your practice weapon, as we lack proper training equipment.”
Because Julien had his father’s sword now, delivered to him by Thimble.
Holding Julien’s old sword felt oddly intimate. Occtis had watched Julien with this sword many times, hungrily studying his movements while trying not to be obvious about staring.
Julien spent an excessive amount of time touching Occtis during the lesson, adjusting his stance, the angle of his feet and hips, how to show as little profile as possible to an opponent. Each touch warm and lingering, and Occtis wasn't looking forward to the way Thimble was going to tease him after this. Though at least she hadn't mentioned anything to Julien yet.
Given Julien’s reception and reputation at Castle Torch, maybe he was acting the way that he always did when he was training a student. That was what Thimble was truly warning Occtis about, he suspected — that this was a passing fancy for Julien, and Occtis would end up with his heart broken.
Not- not that his heart was involved. Not metaphorically and certainly not literally.
At the end of the lesson, Julien had Occtis summon the shadow blade and briefly spar against him, so that Occtis could practice using its much lighter weight.
“I think that should help you in our next battle,” Julien said, his eyes soft and his hand solid and warm on Occtis’s shoulder, even through his shirt. “You did well tonight.”
Occtis gave a nod, not trusting his voice.
And he didn’t let himself stare when Julien went off to his bedroll for the night.
Though that didn’t save him from Thimble.
“You did well tonight?” she repeated. “Does that… does that do it for you?”
“Let’s not talk about it,” Occtis said.
“Oh no. It does do something for you,” she mourned. “Look, I know he’s pretty but isn’t he almost ten years older than you? Can’t you find someone… someone… someone less Julien?”
“It’s not as though I have many options,” Occtis said. "I'm- I'm dead, Thimble. Most people don't find that appealing."
“Kattigan?” she suggested brightly.
“Weren’t you just complaining about Julien being too old for me?” Occtis asked.
“Kattigan calls you ‘pretty boy’,” Thimble said. “That’s probably nicer than anything Julien’s ever said to you.”
“You call Julien ‘pretty’. Does that mean you want him?”
“Ew, never suggest that again.”
And, with that, she flew up and away from him.