Chapter Text
“Do you… trust me?”
The question lingered, hanging in the air for a few short, uncomfortable seconds. Ribbit looked up into Jax’s eyes, the soft lights illuminating her calm, collected features. He took a deep breath in, then a deep breath out.
He thought for a moment. Did he trust her? After all, she had been very open to him and Kaufmo about her own life. She just opened up about her struggles with her family and religious trauma. Surely, that was an indicator she would be different.
He looked around the room, perhaps for a sign or a clue that would provide him with his answer. But all that he saw was the bookshelves chock full of familiar tales they’d read together under the moonlight. The spinning lamp on her drawer that lit up the walls with stars that made the room feel comfortable and safe. The comfortable deep green lily pad-shaped bed they sat on together, having come to her room after their last fun, yet exhausting adventure.
Nothing to help him decide.
“Uh, yeah, but… it’s just… it’s kind of a lot,” he concluded.
He was facing the wall now. He couldn’t face her. Not if he was gonna admit…
“You’re kind of a lot.”
Her voice echoed from behind him. But he didn’t dare face her.
Opening up had always been hard for him. He was expected to be strong, smart, masculine. But he could never live up to the standards of his parents. Whenever he tried to speak out for himself or open up to them about his struggles, he was met with laughter, insults and mockery. So he shut himself down. And when his father left, his mother became thrice as bad. When she showed weakness to him, he showed weakness in return, and he was punished for it. When she lashed out at him, he lashed out in return, and he was punished for it. It was like nothing he could do would be good enough.
He could never be good enough.
Ribbit would be the same. So would Kaufmo, Ragatha, Kinger, and any other soul unfortunate enough to find themselves trapped in this hellish carnival. If he opened up to them… they would just reject him.
No. He had to keep it inside. His feelings, his thoughts, all the turmoil he couldn’t outwardly express. Bottle it up.
Until he abstracted.
He felt a hand on his shoulder, causing him to tense up.
“But… I still like you. A lot is fine.”
He turned to face her again. And somehow, her eyes looked kinder. Her smile looked warmer and more inviting. The expression his mother never met him with. And he started to rethink things. Would he be able to open up?
Could he?
It had been such a long fucking time since he’d told someone. And the last person he told…
“A lot is fine, huh?” Jax asked.
Ribbit just giggled, a light, soft laugh, and she covered her mouth politely as she did.
Jax was on his back now, facing the ceiling, watching as the lights moved slowly across.
Okay. Here goes nothing.
“I had, uh… a weird relationship with my, uh… m-my parents…”
And he explained… everything.
His demanding father. His parents’ divorce. His mother’s sudden, confusing shift in personality. Everything came spilling out of his mouth. He could picture the words flowing like a waterfall and crashing into a pile on the floor. He couldn’t tell if he was rushing or dragging, stumbling over his words or not. At times he couldn’t even tell if he was speaking or not.
And throughout it all, Ribbit just watched. Listened. It made him uncomfortable.
She was getting ready to judge him. That was it. She was going to critique him. Laugh at him. Criticize his entire life story. What was worse… he was about to reach the part.
He wanted more than anything to just stop talking. Or lie. He could get away with a lie. But he was in too deep. Too far gone. He couldn’t back out now.
“One… stupid day…, I was just kind of fed up with it. I… I told her something I regret telling her. Something deep and personal that I thought would get her off my back. But… she laughed at me. Then she went off on me, and it didn’t stop. Personal degrading insults that felt like they went on forever. And despite all that, the… the thing that bothered me most was … at the end of all of it, she… hugged me.”
Ribbit gasped. Jax just laughed lightly. Every part of his body felt heavy. He wanted to just leave Ribbit’s room, curl up into a ball, and abstract. Maybe he’d finally be at peace.
Despite everything, he continued.
“I didn’t know what to do.” he muttered, tears starting to well in his eyes. “So, I- I panicked and I pushed her off me with all the force I could. She fell backwards and she… didn’t get up. I didn’t know if she was just trying to make me feel bad, or … I- I never found out the answer. I just ran. As far away from it as I could. Whatever I did to her, I‘ll never know.”
That was it. He’d opened up about his entire fucking life.
And he… didn’t exactly know how to feel. Relieved? Nervous? Some strange yet all too familiar combination of the true? The answer to that lay with Ribbit’s next words, whatever they may be.
He watched with anxiety filling his mind as Ribbit took a deep breath. Every combination of words she could say next flew through his brain, blurring and mixing as they did.
Thank you for telling me.
Seriously? That’s it?
You’re a fucking loser, Jax.
You know you’ll always be my friend.
That’s nothing compared to me.
“I’m sure she’s fine.” Ribbit finally said. “If… the police never came after you, then… she’s probably fine.”
Ironically enough, he’d told himself that many times. It was never enough to convince him, though. What if his mother was just sitting in that old house, dead and decaying, with no one there to care for her? And he was too much of a fucking coward to go back.
How would she react? Assuming she was alive, that is. How would she act when she saw her son again after all those years?
Probably lash out again. Insult him. Mock him. God forbid… hug him again.
“What… what did you tell her?”
Shit.
That was the question… the one question he didn’t want her to ask.
His mind kept screaming at him. Leave. Lie. Last out. Push it down. Lock it up. Conceal it. Hide it and keep it hidden. Don’t let anyone know. No one can know. No one should know.
But his heart. His aching, racing heart. It told him otherwise.
Jax clutched his chest to calm his heart down, swallowed the saliva that had built up in his mouth, rubbed his temples to slow his brain. Something, anything to maintain his composure. And when he had it, he took a deep breath, and spoke.
“I’m trans.”
There. It was out. The truth.
And it felt… it felt…
…
The words hung heavy in the air like a cloud filled to the brim with water and ready to rain down on them. Jax watched in horror as Ribbit sat there in silence, seeming to collect her thoughts. Her expression shifted as she processed the revelation, and Jax braced for impact, shutting his eyes tight and turning to face away from her.
“Thank you.”
Jax’s eyes snapped open. He turned around, and was once again met by those inviting eyes and warm smile. He scoffed.
“You’re… thanking me?” he asked. “Wh… what for? What have I ever done for you?”
He clutched his head. This wasn’t right. What the hell did she have to thank him for?
Just then, he felt something soft graze his left ear. Pausing, he felt his ear, touching the soft fabric now tied to it. Looking over at Ribbit, he realized her bow tie was gone.
She had put it on his ear.
“You trusted me.” she said solemnly.
Jax’s face immediately flushed red. He wanted to say something, but words couldn’t escape his mouth as easily as they had just a few minutes ago. He was overwhelmed by a flood of emotions when feeling emotions wasn’t really his thing. He was flustered, embarrassed, comforted, grateful… so many things.
“And, for the record…” Ribbit continued. “I’m proud of you.”
“You’re… proud?” Jax asked, whispering under his breath.
Ribbit sighed. “Listen, I don’t know your mom, but I promise that I won’t be like her. I’m here for you, Jax. I’ll always be here for you. And… your secret’s safe with me.”
“I, uh…” Jax stammered. “I… don’t know what to feel.”
“You don’t have to feel anything except comfortable.” Ribbit said. “And if you ever don’t, then just let me know.”
It took him a few seconds to realize he was crying. And not just a few tears welling in his eyes. He was a full on sobfest, crying into Ribbit’s shoulder as she patted him on the back.
“Oh, come on.” she said, wiping a tear from her own eye. “It’s okay…”
“I just…” Jax said, sniffling. “I never thought…”
He pulled himself away from Ribbit’s body, still holding her shoulder with one hand and rubbing his eyes with the other.
“God, I’m such a f☆‼✧ing mess.” he chuckled.
“Yeah, well, everyone’s kind of a mess in this place.” she smirked.
Jax smiled back, staring into her eyes. “Yeah, I guess so.”
He took his hand away from Ribbit’s shoulder and rested it on the mattress they both sat on.
“Do you have… any questions?” he asked.
“Hm? About what?”
Jax sighed. “I dunno… I’ve been so… so closed off, ever since I got here. I mean, it took you and Kaufmo months to even make me laugh. And now… now I’m telling you all this. What… what are you thinking?”
Ribbit shrugged.
“Just… you seem a lot less tense.” Ribbit said. “I get the feeling… you've had this pent up inside of you for a long time, and… now that you’ve told someone, it’s like this wave of relief is washing over you. Right?”
Jax smirked. “Got me.”
“I… I get how you feel.” Ribbit said. “When I first told my friends I’m a lesbian, it felt like I was uncapping this… this giant bottle on the verge of bursting. They were so nice and so accepting, and I felt really good afterward. So good, that… I told my parents.”
It was Ribbit’s turn to start crying. Tears ran down her face and dripped onto the mattress. Jax took the bow out of his ear and offered it to Ribbit, who started dabbing the corners of her eyes, before returning the bow to Jax.
“I mentioned they were Mormon, right?”
Jax nodded, then was struck with the realization.
“Oh… God, Ribs, I’m so sorry.”
“No, no, don’t be.” Ribbit said, sighing. “It was my own fault, y’know? Should’ve known better than to…”
“No. No, it’s not your fault.” Jax said, wrapping Ribbit in a tight hug. “It’s… not your fault.”
“It’s not yours, either.” Ribbit said, returning the hug.
And for a while, as they held each other close and sobbed into the other’s back, the world was perfect. For the first time in a long time, Jax didn’t feel like he was going to be judged by anyone. Nothing could bother him. It was just him and Ribbit against the world.
She was the first to pull away, and he saw how red she was. Whether it was the tears or she was blushing, Jax wasn’t quite sure. But his heart was pounding. He wiped a tear from her cheek, and she looked up at him with wide eyes.
“Jax… you’re beautiful, okay?” Ribbit told him. “Don’t let anyone tell you you aren’t.”
Jax felt his face get hotter.
“Uh… thanks,” he said. “You’re… beautiful too.”
Ribbit smiled.
He felt something touch his hand. When he looked down, his hand was being tightly held by Ribbit’s, their fingers interlocking. When he looked back up, he couldn’t look away.
Jax wasn’t sure if he was the first one to lean in or not. But when they kissed, he just melted into it. And so did she. Her lips were soft, just like her eyes, and they tasted sweet, like strawberries. His eyes closed in pure bliss, but they fluttered back open when they pulled away from each other.
“I… thought you said you're a lesbian.” Jax said, panting.
Ribbit, looking longingly at him, just smiled. “I am.”
Huh. Maybe this place wasn’t so bad after all.