Chapter Text
The kitchen tap dripped steadily.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
Breaking the silence of the room one loud drip at a time.
His bed was warm. The room was cold.
The faulty tap gave him something to focus on. Something to track the passing of time, something to stave off the ever present silence.
The walls of the room felt too small and too big. Keeping him trapped, and yet the room and world outside of his bed felt far away, unreachable. Heaviness kept him stuck, he couldn’t even roll over. Not that he wanted to leave. His bed was warm, comfortable, and safe. The place he’d hide away from monsters as a child.
It had only been a handful of days since the office was forced to close. A pipe had burst somewhere in the building leaving the office a flooded mess. He hopes the water didn’t get into the filing cabinet. He should be more worried really. The office was a disaster last he saw it. The repairs would take a week but there probably wasn’t much salvaging any of the paperwork. Or his books for that matter. Luckily he always took his laptop home with him.
The building manager and insurance would take care of most of it but being out of work even for a week could pose problems financially especially as he now had another full time worker to actually pay.
Right now though, the office felt so far away.
Money, clients, responsibility were far out of mind.
All he could really focus on was the steady drip of the tap.
If he let his thoughts wander too much to work he’d think of Serizawa and Mob and Tome and even Dimple. He’d think of how crushingly lonely he felt and how he’d been reduced to this state after only a short few days alone.
How pathetic.
The office flooded on Tuesday. That morning he came in and watched as water trickled down the stairs leading up to Spirits & Such. Little waterfalls along each step. He made his way up to the door and pushed it open, his shoes now waterlogged and his trousers heavy with the weight of water. The damage was mostly to the walls and floor at least, there was a chance the furniture could be salvaged. Restarting after the fire incident in the old office wasn’t too bad and the new cafe above them brought in more clients so that was a bonus.
Having to restart again though felt like so much effort.
At least they didn’t need to move this time.
Serizawa had taken the opportunity of a week's break to go visit his mother for a while. He was happy for him, the man had confided in him about his past troubles with his psychic powers and the strain it put on his relationship with his mother. Now that he had better control over them and a new found confidence he made it a point to visit her as much as possible, to make up for lost time in a way.
Reigen had met her once. She came down to visit Serizawa at the office.
She was a kind woman, warm too.
She held Reigen's hand and cried thanking him profusely.
Her warm, gentle hands felt searingly hot against his skin.
He’s still not sure why, sure he gave Serizawa a job but all the change Serizawa had made was a change he made himself. He would’ve grown with or without Reigen.
In fact it was Mob who got through to him, not Reigen.
Mob’s visits to the office were few and far between with his upcoming entrance exams. Even when he did stop by it tended to only be for a short while. Reigen felt unbelievably proud of him; he had grown so much even under all the hardships he had faced. He had grown despite everything the world had thrown at him.
Reigen felt unbelievably selfish. He wished Mob would come by more often and it made him feel awful. The sickly feeling of shame crawled under his skin leaving a fiery buzz in his veins and bile trapped in his throat.
A part of him was glad to see him grow into his own person, he was far more expressive these days and seemed happier. He had a goal now and he was working hard to get into high school. Another part of him, the part of him he shoved down over and over again, locked away under every other part of himself wanted to keep Mob as close as possible. He was so so proud of Mob and wanted him to keep growing and changing into the amazing man he knew he’d be but he also wanted things to stay as they had been.
Mob had brought colour and light back into his life. He felt like someone because of Mob and it wasn’t because he could use him to be famous or make money. It was because Mob believed he was a good person.
That was more than anyone had ever given him. At times he felt Mob was just naive and oblivious for thinking this but that was an insult to Mob. He understood people and was so earnest and sincere it felt overwhelming at times. Mob wasn’t a liar. If he said Reigen was a good person then there had to be some truth to it. He had held Mob back so much and still Mob called him ‘Master’. He had used Mob constantly and still Mob told him he was a good person.
He started to believe that that was true, choosing to trust in the people around him but sometimes that feeling of self hatred would come back swallowing his insides until all that was left was an empty void, his hollow body held down by a clawing weight.
He had promised himself after his confession that he would try and accept the disgusting side of himself. The liar. The exploiter. The leech.
Just as Mob worked to accept every part of himself, Reigen wanted to lead by example and actually act like the master he was supposed to be.
But then times like this came where the silence roared endlessly and the darkness felt oppressive and heavy.
And so he focused on the steady drip of the tap.
—
Another day passed, or maybe only a few hours it was hard to tell with the curtains drawn but his hunger had grown gnawing at his insides.
He could really use a cigarette right about now.
His stomach ached but his appetite remained far out of reach. Hidden under layers of shame and disgust. Still he persevered slowly dragging himself to a sitting position, the warm duvet falling loose as he brought his knees close to his chest.
The room was cold.
Getting up felt so difficult.
He let time continue without him. His focus only on the blank wall ahead of him and the weight of his body. His eyes felt heavy but not in a way that would guarantee sleep, they were unfocused and felt impossible to move from the blankness in front of him. Too heavy to even blink or so it felt, his brain felt too slow and muddled to think that hard, maybe he still had his eyes closed, maybe not. It didn’t matter.
It felt good.
As long as he kept his mind far away it felt good. To do absolutely nothing. He wasn’t cold anymore, or hungry, he wasn’t even sure if he was breathing all he could feel was the heaviness in his eyes.
Time passed.
The mindlessness felt good but at some point his thoughts picked up again. He doesn't know when, just that he was suddenly stuck in his thoughts again.
How fucking pathetic. All he had to do was get out of bed and this was as far as he could get. A mix of shame and frustration curdled under his skin. He ripped his stare away from the blank wall and moved.
He hobbled over to the small kitchen in his apartment.
His hand reached for a dirty glass that lay in the sink. The steady drip of the tap turned into a heavy stream. The water felt cool flowing down his throat, cooling the burn of shame that simmered under his skin.
He opened the fridge, his eyes closing at the sudden glare of light.
Old milk, past the expiration date.
A single carrot.
A beer.
And a tub of leftovers.
He reached for the leftovers cracking open the lid. If the smell wasn’t enough, the dots of green mold made it clear this wasn’t edible anymore. He really needed to buy some groceries and give his apartment a thorough cleaning.
Instead he put the leftovers back in the fridge and climbed back into bed.
—
He’s not sure when he became who he was. Unsure when he had spoken his first lie.
Maybe it was high school, when he got caught smoking behind the school and spun such a convincing story they let him go without a penalty.
But no, they had only believed that story because he had already been lying to everyone who knew him. Reigen Arataka was a good student, maybe not an honour student but good. He did his homework, paid attention in class and was friendly with everyone, both teachers and students. Sure he had no real friends, at most people who came to him for help, he’d smile and give them some words of encouragement or help them through a math problem. He was always the first one to volunteer when teachers asked for assistance,he’d carry boxes up and down stairs, hand out papers and the teachers would praise him.
They didn’t know that Arataka only did this for himself. He only helped people to gain admiration and acceptance, he didn’t really care about any of them he just wanted them to like him. So he put on a smile and he’d captivate the people around him, just enough to be accepted by them and not enough to be known.
Maybe it was before then.
Middle school was rough, kids were mean. Being a scrawny kid meant needing a smart mouth to get out of sticky situations. He doesn't remember the names of the kids who’d corner him at lunch, he couldn't remember their faces, just those taunting smiles and laughs. Reigen told himself it was okay because at least he didn’t get satisfaction from abusing others. He told himself that this was okay because he deserved it. That it was okay because at least he wasn’t them. Maybe that was the first lie he told to himself. He deserved it but he was still better than the people bullying him.
Was that a contradiction? Did it matter? Both could be partly true, he decided.
Then again maybe the first lie he told was when he was even younger. When his father had left and the stress kept piling on his mother. She went from being a wealthy housewife to living in a small apartment looking after 2 kids while holding down a job, and doing most everything around the house. It wasn’t a life she was used to. She grew up wealthy and married young. Finding a job was hard, she found it even harder having to work.
His sister was older and better, she was an honour student their mother put all her hopes on her, his sister would drag them out of this life and back to how things were. She’d get a good job and be able to support their mother.
Those hopes passed onto Reigen as well. Having two successful children would ensure her future. So that’s why when Reigen's cheek stung after he brought home a bad test score and his mother broke down crying, he comforted her. Promised to do better and swore his cheek didn’t hurt.
He didn’t blame her, that was the first and last time she had hit him. She was stressed and Reigen was a useless son. He comforted her as she cried apologies for hitting him and he continued to tell her it was okay and that it didn’t hurt with a smile on his face. He kept the smile on his face until he was safe under the covers of his bed clinging tight to his teddy bear. Only then did he let himself cry.
For the first time in a while Reigen felt tears sting his eyes and a lump lodge itself in his throat. The tears wouldn’t fall. So he focused on the dripping tap.
—
A knock sounds suddenly through the apartment. Despite its gentleness it makes Reigen jump. The constant quiet in his apartment was broken abruptly and he was ripped from his thoughts.
He’s not sure why but he holds his breath. Afraid of being caught. He’s not sure what he’s afraid of exactly but the thought of another living breathing person on the other side of the front door petrified him.
He’s suddenly very aware of his greasy hair and the mess strewn across his apartment.
Another knock sounds.
Reigen stays very still.
He listens as whoever it was walks away until their footsteps can no longer be heard.
He breaths a sigh of relief.
He had paid the rent this month so it wouldn’t have been the landlord, he didn’t talk to his neighbors, he hadn’t ordered any parcels as of late. He had no idea who was at his door.