Chapter Text
An endless parade of trees sped past the car window. Kris let the colours melt into their eyes, strokes of brown and dark green. Like camouflage. The camouflage she used to wear. Camouflaging what?
They hadn’t seen so many trees together in a while. It brought comfort. It also brought fear, but they felt like they were beyond that. “Dread” was perhaps a better word.
“Dude, what if, like, hypothetically, they chopped down this entire forest… and turned all the wood into toothpicks. How many toothpicks would you have?”
Kris’ dreamless wake was interrupted by Susie’s invitation to a deeply intellectual discussion. A discussion much like they used to have, back in the day, trading silly answer after silly answer, devolving into abstract dialogue best described as “Lynchian.”
Kris had to search deeply for the part of them that could give these answers. Was it ever even there? Was it just the soul who could come up with these things? Kris felt a rising dread, much like the dread one feels as they dig through their bag, desperately hoping to find something that may not be there. Sudden relief, as a faint spark entered Kris’ brain.
“Enough to make a lot of cucumber porcupines. You could make a cucumber porcupine army”
Susie let out a small chuckle.
“Remember when we pelted berdly with those one time? He sure does, those things were stuck in his feathers for ages.”
“Yeah, hard to forget.”
And so, the conversation died down. An engine, failing to start, despite numerous attempts. Kris turned their eyes to the blur once more. Almost home. Or what was left of it.
“We’re here.”
Kris jolted awake. They had been dozing off. Just like when they were a kid, when their mother drove them around. Their mom drove them around a lot, to all sorts of qualified people. People who did nothing.
Kris struggled out of the car. Long rides always left them carsick, and all their joints had grown stiff.
“And? Still recognise it?” Susie said, a small smile idling on her face.
They did. At least, they recognised what they saw. The building hadn’t changed at all, still looking exactly how they remembered. Then again, they didn’t remember much anymore. And yet, a part of them did not recognise. Their eyes still saw the same, but their heart did not recognise it. Did the town change, or did they?
“Do you want a bite to eat before we go to our place?” Susie asked.
The diner. One of the few things Kris remembered clearly. Drawing silly things on the window with her. A rare moment where the veil seemed to lift, where everything would be okay.
“Good idea, I’m starving.”
Was that an excuse? Would it be too much, especially with Noelle in town?
“You know it,” Susie responded, “They still have that cheeseburger you liked.”
She remembered?
As they entered, a warmth enveloped them, delivering them from the November cold. Colour was returned to the world, if only briefly.
“Oh, hi hon,” a woman Kris recognised said, “Just a moment, I still gotta…” Her eyes widened as she turned to face them, as she noticed the significantly shorter figure at Susie’s side.
“Kris? Is that you, honey?”
Kris’ mouth formed a smile, “I guess it is. Felt the need to see how you all are doing.” Something in Kris chuckled. “Glad to see the place hasn’t fallen apart without me.”
“Not quite, dear. Noelle has been working very hard to keep everything together. But don’t be mistaken, you were still dearly missed.”
She wore a warm smile saying that. It was a genuine smile, welcoming them back. It was nice being welcomed back so openly. Kris felt like their guts were rotting away. They smiled back.
“So how long are you going stay for?” QC asked, “Just a day trip? Can’t imagine, didn’t you live far away?”
“It’s been a bit of a ride,” Kris replied, “But Susie was kind enough to pick me up, she’s been good company on the way.”
“Oh did she now? Susie, you’re such a sweetheart! You must be so stiff. I’d offer you a drink, but I know you have your principles on that. Oh, how wonderful to see childhood friends reconnect! I remember when–”
As QC was recounting her story, Kris felt Susie shift uncomfortably next to them. Clearly not as good at hiding things as they were.
When QC was done, Kris continued: “Yeah, it’s been real nice connecting with Susie, we still gotta catch up on a lot. As for how long I’ll stick around, I’ll have to see. But you won’t be rid f me any time soon.”
“Oh, I hope not, honey. As long as it doesn’t hurt your studies!”
Kris did not correct her.
At least their memory served them right in one place. The cheeseburger was wonderful. The tastes of grilled cheese, meat, salad, grease, and regrets filled their mouth. As full as their mouth was, something remained empty. The air between them. Kris and Susie ate in silence. A predictable outcome, perhaps. They just had a long ride, everything that could be said, already had the opportunity to be said. Still, Kris’ meal was soured by the taste of a failure to entertain. They looked at the window. Too old for drawings now.
Susie had already finished a while ago, as expected, and was now scrolling on her phone. Kris was staring at her. They didn’t know why. They didn’t particularly want to know why. Susie looked up as she noticed.
“You’re done?” She asked, a smile already playing around her lips.
“I’m done with the burger, but I don’t know if they burger’s done with me.”
Susie chuckled. “They still hit like a truck, huh?”
“You can say that again.”
“So?” A sort of hopeful expectation crossed her face. “As good as you remember?”
Did a confirmation even mean anything when their memory was so lacking? Nonetheless, they saw a victorious smile spread across Susie’s face. A strange thing to be victorious about, but it made her smile. Kris loved seeing her smile.
“Man, this place has been around for so long, and hasn’t changed a bit. It’s great!”
The specks of white between the leaves heralded the approach of the Holiday manor. As its shape grew, so too did the dread in Kris’ gut. As the leaves parted, the question in their head grew: Why? Why come here? Why do this to themselves? A million scenarios had played out in their head, starting at the moment they stepped through that door, all of them crumbling like ash the moment they were born. Attempts at predicting the unpredictable, washing up, and washing away. The waves increased the closer the door got, tangible ideas mashed into pure noise. Only one word remained clear throughout the noise: Why? Kris almost wanted to run to the door, if only to be rid of the noise in their head, yet it was Susie who opened the door.
The noise instantly vanished, the hole it left behind only filled with anticipation and dread. The only sound left in their head came from outside, from Susie’s yell:
“Noelle?”
No answer. Kris stood still, staring at empty space, waiting for her to appear. Susie, meanwhile, tried again:
“Noelle, we’re home!”
Still no answer. Susie didn’t seem concerned. She spoke as she turned her head towards Kris, already hauling the luggage.
“She must still be outl. We talked about it, you’ll sleep in Noelle’s old room. We turned it into a proper guest room a few years ago, but it’s also a… I guess you could call it study? Noelle sometimes does stuff from home there, and I just, read books, and write, and stuff. I try to, anyways.”
Kris looked around. It was still a tidy, well-kept place. It was still decorated with all sorts of tasteful and less tasteful decorations. It was still characteristic. It was still inviting.
The festive decorations they remembered were gone.
There were other decorations to take their place. There was a big Godzilla flag draped across the left side of the entrance, and new bookshelves were added. They were full of all sorts of books, though fantasy seemed to be the clear favourite. And last, but not least, there was a giant painting of a figure in green. A figure they knew all too well. Clad in his scarf, his robe, and his hat, he stood proudly in the centre of the living room. Kris stood still for a few seconds, taking in the painting.
“Did you make this?” Kris asked Susie.
“Yeah,” she said, abruptly. She avoided eye contact.
They followed Susie up the stairs. Noelle’s old room had changed quite a lot. It was to be expected, of course. Of course they slept in the master bedroom now. It was to be expected. Where there was once a cheery teenager’s room, there was now a neat, orderly guest room, with shelves full of boxes filled with documents and who knows what else. There was still a computer, but it was devoid of the memories of its predecessor. The only truly recognisable feature was not supposed to be there. It was a closet. Noelle’s old closet. They probably had it still stowed in the basement, and brought it out so Kris could have somewhere to put their clothes. It was a familiar sight, but among the new decoration and the shelves, it looked horribly out of place.
After Kris finished unpacking and left to get something to drink, their eyes found another familiar sight. A black door, right next to theirs. Completely unchanged.
“So what do you wanna do?” Susie asked as they came down, “Movie night? Or are you one of those board game freaks? Just know I’d destroy you at Catan.”
Kris gave her a small smile. “Oh, I’m sure I’d buckle before your strategic prowess. I don’t think I’ll be able to withstand such a defeat right now.” They stretched. “I’m actually kind of feeling a movie right now. Kinda tired, maybe nice to settle in.”
“Of course you want to keep to your sedentary lifestyle.” Susie put a mocking tone on those last two words. “Fine by me. What kinda movie do you want? Horror? Action?”
“I thought your intellectual mind would have a movie ready for me by now. A lady of taste such as yourself should know how to feed the soul of an ignorant peasant such as myself?”
Their face put up an accompanying grin. The black door was still staring at them from above. The clenching feeling in their stomach deepened just a little bit, though they failed to notice.
“Though, mind if I go for a walk first?” Kris said, “I’m still a bit stiff from the townride. I wanna see the town a bit more, see what changed while I was gone. After that, we can watch.”
As soon as Kris was outside, they pulled out their pack of cigarettes. They put one between their lips with some force, as if it would make the cigarette burn faster. A click. A spark. Fire. Peace.
They had stopped on the way. Susie had gone off to get snacks, or pay for gas, and Kris could silence their cravings. Susie could still see them, of course, if she wanted to, yet being further away felt safer, somehow. She already knew that Kris smoked. She did not care that Kris smoked. Kris still felt embarrassed. Embarrassed to have her see them like this.
The cravings had been suppressed by their nervousness and anticipation, but they had been back in full force the moment they dropped their luggage next to their bed. They could’ve asked Susie for another stop. They didn’t. They were the guest, she was the host. They were raised well.
Now, with no spying eyes to disappoint, the quiet crackling of their cigarette joined the choir of the evening sky. The smoke filled their lungs, caressing their every worry. They hadn’t been lying to Susie, however, they did want to go for a walk. Why, they didn’t know. Maybe they secretly wished to see the same town that they had seen when they were a happy child. Maybe they just wanted to be prepared, take in their surroundings so that there’d be no surprises later. Maybe they just wanted to stretch their legs.
Maybe they didn’t want anything at all. Maybe their legs just wanted to stretch them, as they took them to where they had to be. To where they had to go. To the lake.
Someone was already there. They knew who. But did they still know her? Golden hair stared back at them.
“I thought I’d find you back here,” Noelle said. “Guess you found me first.”
A gentle trail of smoke lifted from her hand. It felt like a small sign of kinship, somehow. A sign that both of them, if nothing else, craved peace.
“I’m glad that you came here, though. To the lake, I mean. I guess I’m not the only one that it’s calling.” Noelle took a drag of her cigarette after she spoke. Her face looked strangely wistful.
“I thought the feeling would fade if I was just far enough away,” Kris said, “it followed me, I guess.”
A silence fell. They both rested their eyes on the lake, seeing less than light.
“Guess I should thank you for letting me stay over,” Kris said. “I mean that. I’ll try and stay our of your way if I can help it.”
“It’s fine, Kris,” Noelle said. She took another drag. “I’m too tired to be angry anymore. You’re not the only one that’s homesick.”
Things would never go back to the way they were before. Kris could tell from her voice she didn’t want to be friends like they used to. Kris didn’t think that was appropriate either. They were already amazed that they were allowed to be here. That Noelle hadn’t ran them into the lake.
“I’m surprised you haven’t said anything about this yet,” Noelle said, making an unclear motion with her hand.
“...about what?” Kris hesitated just a moment. “Dess?”
Noelle winced slightly in shock. “Oh. No. Not that. I really don’t want to think about that right now, if you don’t mind.” She sighed while rubbing her forehead. “I already researched everything there is to know. All of it. The more I read, the less it made sense. Let’s just… let the past die. I have enough things to worry about.”
A small part of Kris was disappointed. They already told Noelle enough. However, Noelle was the only one alive who knew everything they did. Noelle was someone strong enough to talk about it. There was no point in pretending they were better than they were with her. The prospect of talking to her about what happened, as painful as that conversation might be, was strangely calming to them.
“Wait, hold on,” Kris said, “What was I supposed to notice say anything about, then?”
Noelle made an embarrassed grunt, doing the same hand motion. A hand motion using the hand holding her cigarette.
“Oh, that.” Kris took another cigarette out of their pack and lit it, demonstratively. They could see Noelle’s gaze soften just a little bit.
“What was I supposed to say, anyway?” Kris’ voice took on a mocking tone. “Oh, did you know those are bad for you? Did you know how *nasty* those are? Did you know you could die from those?”
Kris’ teasing at least produced a small, annoyed smile on Noelle’s lips. Kris was not sure if that smile wanted to be there, but they cherished it nonetheless.
“People are always surprised,” Noelle said. “They can never believe someone like me would do something like that. Because I’m just too put-together, I guess. There’s a reason why I try to keep it out of sight. Especially being the mayor now. Being a role model and all.”
“Does Susie know?”
“I don’t know.”
Another drag.
“I kinda tried to hide it at first, but I found out that people really only want to see what they want to see. If I’m just doing it out of sight, they’ll keep seeing the put-together lady they want to see. I don’t know if it’s comforting.”
Kris did not respond to that. They stood in silence. A truce had formed between them. A truce that might have always been there. Kris looked at the lake again. A figure was reflected back at them, standing between them. They were home. Both of them.
Noelle preferred to go back alone. Kris left before her, making their way back to the manor. On the way back, they noticed that the festive decorations were also gone from the front. They hadn’t noticed while walking here the first time. They probably just saw what they wanted to see.