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“And what about you, Alexis? You used to prattle on and on about how much better of a parent you’d be to your future children than mother and father ever were to you. You’d spend hours playing house by yourself while we were busy researching in the laboratory.”
Michael froze just outside the doorway, fingers tightening uneasily around the can of cola in his grip. Are they talking about…?
The closest they’d ever come to broaching the subject were a few offhand comments from Michael about finding children ‘ridiculously fucking obnoxious’ and a singular ill-fated attempt at satisfying Alexis’ weird-ass breeding kink on the night of his twenty-first birthday. For all of Alexis’ damn meticulous planning in preparation for their post-retirement years, they’d yet to have that conversation. Michael supposed it was thanks to Alexis’ over-sensitivity—talking about children would inevitably mean talking about Michael’s childhood, and, well…
That just wasn’t a fun time for anyone.
Back to the present—Michael had reluctantly (though he kept it to himself, thank you very much) agreed to tag along with Alexis to pay a visit to his sister and her newborn son at the University Medical Center Hamburg-Eppendorf. He was beginning to regret it—the maternity ward was everything he hated about hospitals, with the wonderful addition of dozens of babies screaming their goddamn heads off. Somehow even worse than that was the sight of new mothers doting on their precious children and the deep sense of loathing and longing it filled Michael with.
He better fucking make this up to me tonight.
Instead of returning to the room like he’d intended—Michael had stepped out to grab a cola from the vending machine in hopes of alleviating the massive fucking headache he was getting just by being there—he hovered beside the doorway like some kind of shitty spy, curiosity morbidly piqued.
“I was just acting like a normal child. There’s nothing wrong with that.” Alexis’ voice was politely strained. Even a complete stranger could surmise that they’d had this exact same conversation countless times before.
For some reason, despite the fact that Michael had seldom heard a good thing about them, Alexis couldn’t bring himself to cut his family off. Did he really think that one day, they’d magically have a change of heart and stop treating him like a good-for-nothing idiot? Even now, after all his success, they’d only begrudgingly accepted the path Alexis had chosen in life.
Michael didn’t get it at all. He was glad to never have to see his old man ever again, potential change of heart be damned. Even when that bastard was dead and buried six feet under, Michael wouldn’t be giving his grave so much as the steaming piss from his cock.
But if Alexis weren’t so soft-hearted, we wouldn’t be together, either, would we?
“…There’s no point in arguing about it. Neither of us is going to change our minds,” came the voice of Alexis’ older sister, Hannah. She sounded just as weary, and Michael could only scoff at that. “In any case… I don’t plan on having any more children. At least, none that I have to give birth to; pregnancy isn’t an experience I have any desire to relive. That said, I’d still be willing to act as your surrogate in the distant future.”
Michael nearly choked on his cola. The fuck?
“O-oh.” Alexis didn’t sound any less stunned.
Alexis’ sister—the very same one that barely even acknowledged his existence at the best of times—was offering to carry their child. Michael would’ve taken it for a joke had he not been aware of the fact that there wasn’t a single collective ounce of humor to be found between Alexis’ parents and siblings.
But the offer wasn’t what mattered—it was Alexis’ answer. Whether she knew it or not, Hannah had opened the door to something they’d never even properly discussed before.
Michael waited with bated breath, swallowing down the last remnants of his cola in an attempt to dispel the tightness in his throat. All it did was burn.
“You… you’d really do something like that? For me?” There was something close to cautious hope in Alexis’ voice.
Fuck.
It wasn’t like Michael had been expecting any other reaction from the man that literally had to be dragged away from the stands at the end of every match because he was more than happy to spend hours signing autographs and answering stupid questions from his young fans like, ‘Can you teach me how to use magic, too?’ and, ‘Do you have a secret girlfriend?’—the same Alexis that had squealed with joy the moment he’d found out his sister was pregnant and dragged Michael to half the maternity stores in Munich in search of the best clothes and toys for his nephew-to-be. He’s probably more excited about this baby than the kid’s own goddamn mother.
No shit, someone like sweet, nurturing Alexis would want children of his own. Even if they’d never explicitly talked about it, it was pretty fucking obvious to anyone that knew the guy. So Michael already knew that, he just…
Didn’t want to know how badly Alexis actually wanted it.
“I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t serious,” Hannah replied dryly. “Even if we can’t seem to see eye-to-eye on just about anything, you are still my little brother, Alexis. If it’s important to you, I’m willing to do it.”
“I… Thank you. I mean it.“ Alexis’ voice was quiet, but Michael could pick up on the emotion in it. This must’ve been one of the very few times in Alexis’ entire life that his sister had shown she cared even the slightest bit about him. Doesn’t make up for all the years of shit you put him through. “But, um, that’s definitely not something I can decide on right now. I mean, I’ve kinda got my hands super full for the foreseeable future, and I’d have to talk to Micha about it, and…”
‘Micha’ was not looking forward to that.
“Of course. I’m not in any rush to give birth again.”
If I take any longer, Alexis will come looking for me. Michael sighed, finally slinking back into the hospital room as if he hadn’t spent the past few minutes eavesdropping just outside the door.
“Micha!” Even after all their years together, the beautiful shine in Alexis’ big, round eyes—the one that was reserved just for Michael—hadn’t dimmed one bit since they’d first met. If anything, it had only grown in intensity. Sometimes making eye contact with Alexis felt like staring directly into the sun.
It’s been five whole minutes.
Hannah, on the other hand, evidently couldn’t give less of a shit whether or not Michael was there, barely sparing him so much as a glance before returning her attention to the tiny, squirming bundle in her arms. The feeling’s damn mutual.
Michael had only met Alexis’ family once before, right after they’d made things official—Alexis wanted to do things properly, introduce his new boyfriend to the parents.
It had been one of the most awkward, agonizing experiences of Michael’s entire life. The other four members of the Ness family had the combined charisma of a piece of wet cardboard, and he had to wonder how in the hell his darling Alexis was even related to these people.
After seeing firsthand just how deeply their mistreatment of Alexis ran, Michael would’ve cussed them out had he not promised his boyfriend he wouldn’t make a scene.
The one thing Michael could give them was that they had no problems with Alexis’ sexuality, attributing it to, in his mother’s words, ‘genetic factors completely out of Alexis’ control’.
Michael’s shitty excuse for a father had beaten him twice as hard as usual the day he’d found out his son had a crush on one of the boys from the neighborhood gang. There were times, at night with Alexis, when Michael could still hear his father’s loathsome voice in the back of his head.
‘I was kind enough to waste my precious time and money raising a worthless piece of shit like you, and what do I get in return? A cock-sucking faggot for a son!’
“Had to take a piss,” was the only explanation for his extended absence Michael offered as he tossed his empty soda can into the trash.
The next few moments passed by in silence as Alexis regarded Michael with a look that he knew to be of curiosity and… concern.
Shit. Well, that didn’t bode well.
“Since Micha’s back, why don’t we take Elias off your hands for a little bit? Give you a few minutes to yourself?” Alexis suggested brightly, turning his attention back to his sister.
That sense of dread in the pit of Michael’s stomach only grew.
They were about to have The Fucking Talk, weren’t they? And he hadn’t even been given the chance to mentally prepare himself!
“Please,” Hannah muttered, and Michael could see the relief written plain as day across her usually expressionless face. He had to wonder why someone this eager to be rid of their newborn child would even choose to become a mother in the first place.
Though the baby fussed slightly upon being transferred into Alexis’ waiting arms, with some quiet shushing and gentle rocking, he was able to calm it down before a tantrum took hold. He’s a damn natural at this.
“Micha, if you could grab the bottle, please.”
Resigning himself to his fate, Michael trudged reluctantly after his boyfriend to a bench not far from Hannah’s room, tiny plastic formula bottle in hand.
Alexis didn’t immediately jump right into it. Instead, he absorbed himself in the pink, fidgety little creature that was held steadfast in his arms. If Michael was being really honest, it left him feeling a little miffed.
Really? Are you seriously getting jealous of a goddamn baby, Michael?
“You’re just the cutest little thing in the whole wide world, aren’t you?” Alexis cooed softly as the baby latched onto the nipple of the bottle and began suckling with an impressive amount of zeal.
Alexis looked fucking enamored. He had that smile on his face—that stupidly tender one reserved for all things small and vulnerable. Lost children, stray kittens. Broken birds, and the like.
If he was like this with a baby that wasn’t even his own, Michael could only imagine how much joy actual fatherhood might bring Alexis. Even if his boyfriend had never said as much to him, Michael knew very well that a man like Alexis—a man who was the very definition of ‘nurturing’, a man who was as drawn to children as they were to him—surely dreamt of it.
Fatherhood.
Alexis’ dream and Michael’s nightmare.
Years ago, as a present, Michael had reluctantly obliged his boyfriend’s bashful request to, in Alexis’ own words: ‘Can you, um… pretend like I’m getting you… you know, pregnant?’ when they had birthday sex that night. Personally, Michael didn’t see the appeal in pretending to make ass-babies at all, but it was Alexis’ special day, and he’d begged so sweetly for it, too. How could Michael say ‘no’?
Well, he goddamn should’ve.
The sex was great at first—it always was with Alexis. His boyfriend’s trembling, ‘I’m gonna, um, knock you up,’ and shaky, ‘You’ll be so round with our p-puppies,’ (they were still doing the petplay thing, naturally) weren’t doing much for Michael, but they weren’t a total turn-off either. He’d endured far worse, so, for the sake of his dearest Alexis, endure is exactly what he’d resolved to do.
Things were going pretty smoothly until Alexis decided to take things a step too far with a rambling, ‘Our babies are going to be so cute. Can you imagine, a mini version of you running around our house and getting into all sorts of trouble?’
And, yeah, Michael could imagine—in perfect fucking detail, too. He’d started having visions of temper tantrums and shitty diapers all while Alexis was still inside him, sloppily thrusting away like this was the sexiest thing in all of existence.
Of course, being plagued by such unpleasant, disgustingly vivid thoughts made it damn hard to maintain an erection, and things were over pretty quickly after that because Michael going soft inevitably made Alexis, who prioritized his boyfriend’s pleasure above all else, go soft in turn.
Before that fateful night, Michael had never given much thought to children—more precisely, to having them. But after that? He knew without a shadow of a doubt that there were very few things on the planet Earth he wanted less.
“…You heard our conversation, didn’t you?”
Michael blinked, lips parting wordlessly in surprise. Huh?
“I saw your shadow in the doorway.” Alexis offered him an apologetic smile, as though he’d been the one caught sneaking around.
Michael let out a soft ‘tsk’. “I thought I was being stealthy.”
Alexis just shrugged. He took a moment to finish feeding the baby, gently placing the formula bottle onto the arm of the bench once it had emptied. When he turned back to Michael, his gaze had turned a little more serious.
Michael knew that look. It was the, ‘we’re about to have a therapy session, and no, you can’t get out of it this time, Micha’ look. All he could do was sink further into his seat as he braced himself for the inevitable.
“Are you alright?” Alexis’ voice was soft with concern. It was uncanny, the way he always seemed to know when something was wrong with Michael.
“I…”
‘I’m fine’, Michael wanted to say. Even after all this time, after all the progress they’d made, opening up was still an excruciating ordeal. It was hard to unlearn decades of what had once been survival instinct, after all.
But this was Alexis, the one person foolish enough to love him. Even after having seen the darkest, filthiest parts of Michael’s soul, Alexis’ steadfast devotion hadn’t wavered even a goddamn centimeter. This was nothing, in comparison.
And besides, Michael’s therapist was always going on and on and on about how talking about his stupid fucking feelings with someone he trusted was far better than bottling them up and leaving them to fester.
“…I was just thinking.” Michael swallowed down his nerves, forcing himself to make eye contact. Let’s just get this shit over with. “About you. Never becoming a father. Because of me.”
Alexis looked a little taken aback—which, yeah, Michael had gone about it pretty damn bluntly. “You mean… because you don’t want children? If that was a dealbreaker, we would’ve broken up years ago. It’s pretty obvious you’re not a fan of them.”
“I know.” Michael stared down at the baby, which was nuzzled against his uncle’s chest, sleepy and milk-drunk. Alexis really would’ve made the world’s most wonderful father. “That’s the damn problem. As long as you choose to stick with someone like me, you can’t have the thing you’ve wanted since you were a kid. And you’ll never leave me.” If there was anything in this rotten world he could believe in, it was that.
Michael hated how utterly fucking pathetic and insecure he sounded. Vulnerability felt like shit.
When he’d worked up the balls to meet Alexis’ gaze, he saw all the love and compassion in the world brimming in those beautiful magenta eyes. It didn’t make Michael feel any better; he’d always been shit at accepting other people’s kindness, Alexis’ most of all. When his lover looked at him like this, all Michael could think of were the years of abuse and mistreatment he’d repaid Alexis’ unconditional love with. He was undeserving of something so fucking pure.
“I won’t lie and say that I don’t want kids, or that I didn’t get excited by the possibility that we could actually have a child that’s a combination of the two of us…” Already knowing that didn’t do anything to lessen the guilt Michael felt hearing it from Alexis’ own mouth. “But that was never my dream. My dream was always magic—finding it, creating it, meeting someone that didn’t think I was nothing but a worthless idiot for believing in it. That’s you, Micha. You’re my dream. Not some hypothetical kids. Nothing will ever be more important to me than you.”
Fucking hell. How could anyone make such heartfelt declarations so casually? How could Michael have ever taken them for granted?
Michael wanted to argue, mutter out an, ‘it’s still not fair to you’, but Alexis was the one person on the planet even more stubborn than he was; Michael knew he’d get absolutely nowhere trying to fight his boyfriend on this of all things. Instead, he put on a weary smile and asked, “Don’t you ever get tired of saying that?”
“Nope!” Alexis chirped brightly. “I’ll keep saying it until you believe it. And then I’ll keep saying it so you don’t forget.”
“God, you’re so fucking sappy,” Michael groaned, equal parts exasperated and fond. Being loved so strongly and so purely like this was almost unbearable at times, and yet he craved it more than he’d ever craved anything else. Michael would probably be a dead man without it; spiritually, if not literally.
“Don’t speak like that in front of the baby.” Alexis’ valiant attempt at sternness was dampened by the smile he just couldn’t seem to banish in spite of himself.
“Seriously? He’s, like, a day old. They don’t even remember things that early.”
“It doesn’t matter. We need to be a positive influence on him. Babies are like sponges, you know. They absorb everything, including bad vibes,” Alexis insisted, clutching the baby close to his chest as if he were trying to protect it from his boyfriend’s foul mouth.
“Fine. I’ll try,” Michael grunted noncommittally. It sounded like bullshit to him, but he didn’t feel like arguing over something this stupid and inconsequential.
“Thank you.” Alexis’ gaze turned thoughtful. “Whether or not we have children is entirely up to you. As long as we’re together, I don’t need anything else. With that said… I would still like to understand whyyou don’t want them. Maybe it’s something we can work on.”
Michael side-eyed him, unconvinced. “No amount of therapy is ever going to make me like getting woken up by a screaming baby at three a.m. because it shat in its diaper. Sorry, Lexi, but I just don’t see whatever it is you see in that.”
“You’re making it sound like I enjoy that part…” Alexis grimaced, no doubt intimately acquainted with the dreadful ordeal of changing a baby’s diaper by now. “Anyways, they grow out of that. It’s only like that for the first few years.”
“They don’t grow out of being annoying, though. Once they learn how to walk, you’ve gotta keep them from getting themselves killed by doing something stupid like sticking a fork into an outlet. And then you’ve got their rebellious teen years to deal with.” Just thinking about it was giving Michael a headache. “Not how I wanna spend my retirement.”
“Lots of people feel the same way until they have a kid of their own. Then they realize that it’s all worth it for moments like these.” Alexis gently adjusted the sleeping baby in his arms, smiling softly to himself as it instinctively curled one tiny, chubby hand around his finger, and seeing how damn happy it made Alexis—Michael finally got what he was saying, if only a little. A little. “Still, I think that’s a valid reason for not wanting children. Any reason is. But… that’s not all it is, is it?”
There it was—what this entire conversation had been leading up to. What Michael had desperately wanted to avoid talking about: the deepest, most tender parts of his psyche. His aversion to fatherhood ran far deeper than a mere dislike of children and all the myriad unpleasant things that came with them.
“Thought you didn’t want the baby to absorb any ‘bad vibes’,” he tried to deflect, half-grinning in self-deprecation.
“That’s not…” Alexis let out a soft sigh, and Michael could see him pulling away. “Alright. I won’t push it. You’ve already shared a lot with me today, and I’m grateful for that, I really am.”
God damn it. Alexis wasn’t pulling out the puppy-dog eyes or begging to be let in, but he still had Michael feeling guilty somehow—and he wasn’t even doing it on purpose, which only made Michael feel even more guilty. He knew his partner’s boundless patience and understanding didn’t deserve to be repaid with snide remarks and spineless deflections.
Michael ran a hand through his hair, trying to dispel some of the tension coiled tight throughout his body. He could already feel his throat start to constrict the way it did whenever he talked about his past. It had gotten a little less painful over the years, with time, therapy, and Alexis’ godly TLC, but it still wasn’t anywhere close to easy. It probably never would be.
“You know how I was raised—I mean, the examples I had growing up were just fucking stellar.”
A father who beat him half to death every other day for something as utterly fucking trivial as failing to steal a carton of milk from the convenience store or staying out too late kicking his soccer ball around in the park. A father who’d never once hugged him or uttered the words ‘I love you’. A father that Michael wasn’t entirely sure even knew his own son’s name, because the only things he’d ever been called were ‘boy’ or ‘piece of shit’.
And then there was that woman… as a kid, Michael had always assumed that she’d just fucked off and died somewhere, but apparently she was one of the top actresses in Germany; a multimillionaire that couldn’t even be bothered to spare a few hundred dollars worth of child support each month.
Alexis knew all of that already. Michael had broken down crying in his arms more than once trying to get it all out.
“When I think about being a parent… all I can think about is him. The way he looked at me, the way he yelled at me, the way he put his hands on me. I learned a lot about being a parent from him, and none of it was good.” Michael paused, grounding himself in Alexis’ soft eyes so that he wouldn’t get lost in his own bad memories and childhood trauma. Alexis was quiet as he waited for him to find the words, but even his silent support made Michael feel stronger. “And I’m a lot like him—I mean, the way I used to treat you… Somewhere along the line, I would’ve turned out the exact same way as him if you hadn’t saved me. I think I… I don’t wanna risk fucking somebody else up the way I got fucked up.“
“Oh, Micha… You’ve thought about this a lot, haven’t you?”
Alexis’ gaze wasn’t full of the same cheap pity that most people gave Michael whenever he brought up his rotten past; instead, the empathy glimmering in those magenta depths made him feel seen in a way that wasn’t entirely horrible. They’d grown up pretty damn differently, but neither of them had received so much as a shred of real affection from their parents. Sharing that with Alexis was… nice, in its own strange way.
“I understand why you’re afraid, but you’re not your father—I mean, the fact that you’re even worryingabout this proves that. Maybe I wouldn’t trust a nineteen-year-old, malice-driven Micha with a baby, but you haven’t been that person in years, and I won’t let you just discredit all the hard work you’ve put into becoming a better person. The Micha I know now is fully capable of being a great father. It might not be easy, but I know you could do it. We could do it.” Alexis’ voice was so firm with resolve that Michael could almost believe in what he was saying.
“You’ve sure got a lot of faith in me.” Faith that Michael didn’t have in himself—at least not when it came to something like this. Still, he couldn’t entirely dismiss what Alexis was saying. As much self-loathing as Michael still carried with him, he was still capable of recognizing that he wasn’t the same piece of shit he’d been all those years ago. “But maybe. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I do have it in me to be a not-so-shitty dad. That said… I’m not sure how much I could actually love a child. I’m not like you, Lexi; I don’t have a lot of that to go around.”
“Maybe not at first, but as you’d spend more time with them, you’d naturally start to grow attached. Playing with them, hearing them call you ‘dada’, witnessing their first steps…” Alexis went starry-eyed as he got lost in the thought of their hypothetical child, before he finally focused his attention on his very real boyfriend right next to him.
“I’d much rather spend my time with you,” Michael murmured, bumping Alexis’ knee with his own. “Don’t wanna have to share your attention, either.”
Alexis giggled softly at that, warm and affectionate. Michael loved that wonderful sound more than any other, especially when he was the cause of it. “Guess I’ll tell Hannah it’s a ‘no’, then—at least for now. Oh, but if you never change your mind, that’s fine, too! I really did mean it when I said the most important thing is that we’re together. That said… I would like a puppy someday. Or a kitten! It’s up to you.”
“Considering I’ve already got a puppy that’s just awful at sharing, I think a cat’s the way to go.” Michael couldn’t help the teasing grin that spread across his face at the sight of Alexis’ eyes going wide once it clicked.
“Y-yeah,” Alexis squeaked out. “Um, a cat sounds good, then.”
Even after all these years, he was still so terribly easy. Michael wouldn’t have it any other way.
He momentarily tore his eyes away from his flustered boyfriend to check the time on his watch. “We should get going if we wanna make our reservation. Like, now.”
In reality, they probably could’ve stuck around for 15-or-so more minutes and been just fine, but Michael wanted to get the hell out of that place sooner rather than later. Any longer, and the sound of wailing newborns in the background was going to drive him mad.
“Alright, alright. But before we go… Please let me get a picture of you holding Elias!”
Michael groaned inwardly. He really didn’t want to, but Alexis was looking up at him with those sparkly fucking puppy-dog eyes—the ones he knew Michael couldn’t say no to.
“You know I’m shit with kids,” he half-heartedly tried to protest, knowing it would only be in vain.
“It’ll only be for a moment! Please, Micha, I need this.” It seemed like Alexis had a bad case of baby fever that could only be cured by seeing his newborn nephew in the arms of his boyfriend.
“Okay, okay. Fine,” Michael relented unhappily. “But as soon as you get that stupid picture, you’re taking him back to your sister. We are not missing our reservation because of this shit.”
“Yay!” Alexis shifted closer, carefully transferring the baby into Michael’s waiting arms. “There you go. Just support his head like this… Yeah, that’s perfect. You’ve got it, Micha.”
Alexis’ encouragement didn’t do much to soothe Michael’s nerves. He’d never held a baby before, and now that he had one in his arms, it was actually a little terrifying. What if it decided it hated him and started throwing a temper tantrum? What if he dropped it and it cracked its tiny little head on the hard hospital flooring, and it got permanent brain damage? They were just so damn fragile.
Michael stared down at the feeble little creature cradled in his arms. He wasn’t endeared by it, nor did he find it particularly adorable, but… How could she abandon such a weak, helpless thing?
The baby opened its eyes and stared up at Michael, a smile spreading across its chubby cheeks as it let out a cheerful giggle. Michael felt some of the tension drain from his body. Guess I was worried about nothing.
“Perfect! You two look so adorable together!” Michael glanced up to find Alexis giving him a satisfied thumbs-up. “See? You did just fine. I think he might like you even more than he likes me.”
“Don’t know about that,” Michael muttered, handing the baby back to his uncle. Alexis was the fucking baby-whisperer, after all; the only thing Michael had done was manage not to fuck things up. “He’s got your eyes, you know.”
“You really think so?” Alexis lit up at that, grinning with naked delight.
Michael still hadn’t caught on to the appeal of babies, but seeing his boyfriend like this, so damn happy and in his element…
That made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
“You know what you want yet?” Michael asked, closing the menu.
This place was fancy—like, 3 Michelin stars fancy. In spite of the ostentatious image he projected, Michael didn’t usually dine at restaurants this upscale when it was just him. The 14-year-old boy that still resided within the deepest recesses of his heart felt much less out of place scarfing down a cheap burger at McDonald’s than under all this glitz and glamour. Still, I don’t mind doing something like this every once in a while as long as it’s with Lexi.
Alexis pushed his own menu away from himself as though he was eager to be rid of it. “Yeah, um, I’m actually not all that hungry tonight. Think I’ll just get something small. Like a salad.”
“A salad? We’re at one of the fanciest restaurants in Hamburg, and you want a damn salad?” Michael wrinkled his nose. “Don’t tell me you want to switch things up after all these years.”
“Huh? Like being a vegan? I can’t go back to that…” Alexis had only lasted a grand total of three days before giving in and gorging himself on the leftover strawberry cheesecake in the fridge. Apparently, his ability to eat sweets was more important to him than animal welfare.
“I meant in bed, idiot.”
“Oh! No. I’m perfectly happy with the way things are… unless, of course, you wanted to change things up. Your pleasure is my pleasure,” Alexis declared nobly, and Michael knew he meant it one hundred percent.
“I’d really rather not.”
“Right, of course. Um, I’m just not hungry tonight. That’s all.” Most people would’ve missed it, but Michael could tell the smile on his partner’s face was a little strained. That hell’s up with him? This dinner was his idea.
Before Michael had the chance to ask, their waitress, a young woman dressed in a sharp black suit, arrived at their table.
“Good evening, gentlemen. I’ll be your waitress for the night. Have you— Oh my god.” The waitress—Klara, her name tag said—cut herself off, eyes going wide. Michael groaned internally as her demeanor on her face shifted from one of polite professionalism to very poorly concealed excitement. “Michael Kaiser. You’re my favorite soccer player! I’ve watched every single one of your games since you were at Bastard München. Live.”
Woah. This girl was dedicated.
Michael glanced at Alexis, and found that his boyfriend somehow seemed to be enjoying this even less than himself, the man in the midst of being tortured by an overeager fangirl. Alexis’ lips were tightly pursed, and his big eyes were boring into the woman with such intensity that it seemed as though he were trying to explode her head with his mind.
For all his silent seething, he looked about as intimidating as a toy poodle.
The woman took a deep breath, trying to compose herself and mostly failing at it. “I-I’m sorry. I’m just so excited. This is like a dream come true for me; you have no idea. Could I… maybe get your autograph?”
“Yeah, of course,” Michael agreed, flashing her his most charming, practiced smile. He was long since used to shit like this, but that didn’t make it any less annoying, especially when he was on what was supposed to be a nice, romantic dinner date with his boyfriend. Such a fucking hassle.
Though their fingertips made contact for only a fraction of a second when Michael handed the notepad back to her, he could see a not-so-faint blush rising on Klara’s cheeks; he wondered just how much of her infatuation with him had to do with his good looks rather than his performance on the field.
Klara clutched the notepad tightly in her hands, staring down at it like it was some holy relic. “I can’t believe this is real. Thank you so much!”
When she finally noticed Alexis, her excitement, while very much still there, was considerably less than that which she’d displayed for Michael. Somehow she didn’t seem to register the evil eye Alexis was directing towards her. “Oh my god. I didn’t even realize. Alexis Ness! I-I love watching your plays together. The way you two just, like, synchronize is amazing. It’s like you can read each other’s thoughts, or something.”
Alexis seemed to relax a little at that. Nothing (besides Michael himself, of course) made Alexis happier than when the strength of their bond was recognized by others, even if they never quite seemed to realize the depth of it.
“Can I get your autograph, too? If it’s not too much trouble, of course!”
“Sure.” Alexis gave her a small smile as he took the notepad. Michael smiled to himself as Alexis wrote his signature right on top of Michael’s, forming that silly little heart that seemed to be Alexis’ adorable way of marking his territory.
“Alright, um, may I take your orders now?” Klara asked with a sheepish smile once she’d finally gotten all the fangirling out of the way.
The moment Klara was gone, the fake, charming smile Michael had graced her with morphed into an amused grin as he finally turned his attention back to his sulky boyfriend.
“Don’t tell me you were getting jealous?” Michael teased, nudging Alexis’ foot under the table. “You don’t usually get this wound up when I’m just talking to fans.”
“I’m not… jealous,” Alexis huffed. He was obviously still sulking, and Michael found it absolutely adorable. “I just— We were supposed to be having a nice night, just the two of us, but then someone comes in and… Ugh. Why couldn’t she have just taken our orders like she was supposed to instead of interrupting us? Wasn’t it obvious that we were on a…”
Michael raised an eyebrow. Normally, stuff like this didn’t bother Alexis; in fact, he fucking loved interacting with fans, whether they were his own or Michael’s. Even when they were out on clandestine dates, Alexis would always manage to make time for them. What’s got him acting like this? He’s been all weird since we got to the restaurant.
“…You alright, Lexi? Something bothering you?”
“I hate having to pretend like we aren’t together,” Alexis said quietly, glancing away as if he were ashamed to voice such a thought. He looked a little miserable, like whatever he was about to say had been eating him up inside for a long, long time. “When people touch you or look at you like that… I’m not jealous or afraid that they’ll take you from me, but it still makes me sick. Even though we kiss and have sex and share the same bed… even though we live together half the year and we’re each other’s emergency contacts, there’s still people that look at you as if they’ve got a chance. No matter how close we are, all we’ll ever seem to them is partners on the field and nothing more. I know why we have to, and I’m not saying I want to come out now, but still… It hurts.”
Fuck. The dejection in Alexis’ usually cheerful voice made something in Michael twist with guilt.
Though Alexis had never once complained or protested, Michael knew how hard it was on him—knew how much he was asking of Alexis to keep their relationship a secret until retirement. Unlike him, Alexis didn’t give a shit about what the media or their fans or the rest of the world might have to say about them. He was doing this—making this sacrifice—purely for Michael’s sake.
Because Michael—he was a selfish fucking coward. He was terrified of losing everything he’d worked so fucking hard for—the adoration of the masses, his place on Real, his position as the world’s best striker. Michael had already seen it happen to the few players brave enough to come out. He was too damn good for it to ruin his career completely, but there was no way around the hit he’d take to his reputation.
How many of his fans would turn on him? How many of his sponsors would drop him? How many of his teammates would conspire to shut him out?
For Alexis, Michael’s love was enough.
But Michael had an empty, gnawing hunger in the pit of his stomach that could only be satiated with the love of the entire world.
They both knew Michael was taking advantage of Alexis’ kindness, and they both knew Alexis would continue to tolerate it for as long as Michael let it go on.
“Maybe…” Michael wasn’t about to offer any empty platitudes or false reassurances, but he had to give his partner something. “Maybe we don’t need to wait until retirement. Just until I’m out of my prime. Still a long time, but not as long. Or maybe even before then. I don’t know.”
Alexis’ eyes snapped back to Michael, wide with surprise.
“You… you mean that?” His voice was breathless with hope.
“Yeah. I mean, it’s not like I enjoy this stuff either. When they ask me questions about my love life in interviews and I’ve gotta pretend like I don’t already have the best goddamn boyfriend in the whole world—shit’s annoying,” Michael huffed. It was so damn hard to keep his mouth shut and not brag about how far Alexis’ amazingness as a partner extended beyond the field.
The grin that spread across Alexis’ face made Michael feel a little better. “I— Thank you. Even if it’s not anytime soon, you have no idea how much hearing that means to me.”
“And until then, you’ll have me alllll to yourself, away from prying eyes,” Michael murmured, lips curling into a sultry smile as he dragged his foot up, up, up the length of Alexis’ leg.
“M-Micha!” Alexis reflexively clamped his strong thighs around Michael’s wandering foot, preventing it from ascending any higher. Even under the restaurant’s dim mood lighting, Michael could make out the pretty pink blush creeping its way onto Alexis’ cheeks, and he narrowed his eyes in delight. “We can’t! W-We’re in public!”
“Oh, come on. It’s not like anyone can see anything under the tablecloth.” Michael tried to wriggle his foot free, but Alexis’ hold remained steadfast. Damn those thighs.
“Look, when we get back to the hotel, you can do whatever you want to me,” Alexis offered with a shy smile. Within those big, soulful eyes glimmered poorly repressed desire; for all of Alexis’ protests, it seemed as if he was just barely hanging on. “But for now, let’s just enjoy our dinner. Whenever it gets here, that is.”
“You’ll be my dessert, then,” Michael acquiesced, already beginning to daydream of all the ways in which he’d soon have his sweet Alexis.
“Ah— W-wait, hold on!”
Michael reluctantly stopped nosing at Alexis’ neck, pulling back with a frown.
“You said I could do whatever I wanted to you once we got back to the room,” he pouted. The moment the door had closed shut behind them, Michael had pounced, backing his lover up against the wall as he prepared to feast.
“I did say that! And I meant it! But actually there’s something really important I need to talk to you about first,” Alexis explained with a placating smile, hands resting on Michael’s chest.
“…What is it?” Michael asked cautiously, taking a step back as the haze of lust dissipated. Based on the pensive look etched onto Alexis’ face, he got the sense that whatever his boyfriend wanted to talk about was something important—but what exactly that was, he couldn’t say with any certainty.
Part of Michael was a little worried—irrationally so, he knew, but nonetheless—that this had something to do with what they’d talked about at the hospital. Or at the restaurant (they’d talked about a lot today).
What if Alexis had had a change of heart? What if he’d given it a little more thought and realized that, yes, actually, children were in fact his greatest fucking dream, after all? What if he’d gotten too damn excited and decided that he was ready to come out tonight and jeopardize their careers?
Quit being such a paranoid idiot, Michael. It’s probably nothing serious.
“Um, let’s talk on the balcony! I really need some fresh air!” Without warning, Alexis grabbed Michael by the wrist, dragging him out onto their 10th-story balcony with an amount of strength Michael had forgotten he’d possessed.
The pleasant coolness of the night air was a stark contrast to the warmth of the hotel room. Hamburg sprawled out beneath them in an endless sea of glittering lights, and it served as a reminder to Michael of just how far he’d come from that dingy little excuse of a house in the slums of Berlin.
Though the view was breathtaking, he didn’t have much time to properly appreciate it as there were far more important things that demanded his attention—namely, Alexis, who was nervously opening and closing his hands, while very pointedly avoiding eye contact. His lips were parted as if he were desperately trying (and failing) to find the right words to convey whatever it was that must have been on his mind the entire day.
“Lexi? You good over there?” Michael asked once the silence began to stretch on past the point of comfort. His own nerves were beginning to fray. Just what the hell was Alexis so afraid of telling him?
“I-I’m fine! Just— just give me a second!” Alexis sucked in a deep breath, slapping both his cheeks. “You can do this, Alexis!”
When Alexis finally met Michael’s gaze, his eyes were filled with a newfound sense of resolve. He gave Michael a shaky smile. “Can you close your eyes? Just for a sec.”
Okay, now Michael was just confused more than anything else. Still, in spite of his distaste for surprises, he obediently closed his eyes because he trusted Alexis with his hair and his life and everything in between.
After a few more moments of silence, Alexis finally spoke up again. “Okay. You can look now.”
Michael opened his eyes and—
Oh, shit.
Alexis was down on one knee, holding open a small velvet box, and inside that box… a ring.
Suddenly, all of his weird behavior today made sense.
All Michael could do was stand there in stunned silence as Alexis spoke.
“I know we said that we were going to wait until retirement, but my sister getting married, having a kid… It just really got me thinking about our future, y’know? And Micha, I can’t even begin to imagine a future without you. You’re it for me—I’ve known that since the day we met. And maybe you don’t feel the exact same way, but I know you see a future with me, too. Whether it was today or in fifteen years, I’d always planned on asking. So I thought, if I’m gonna do it anyways—why wait?” Though Alexis’ voice was steady, Michael could see his hands trembling. “So Michael Kaiser, will you make me the happiest man alive and marry me?”
This is happening. This is really fucking happening.
It wasn’t like they’d never talked about marriage before.
Michael could still remember the first time it had come up, actually—about two years ago when they’d passed an advertisement for wedding gowns while out on a date in Munich, and on a whim, Michael had asked, ‘You wanna get married someday?’
He’d already known the answer, of course, but it was still fun watching as Alexis went red-faced, sputtering out half a dozen aborted answers before finally settling on a very diplomatic, ‘…If you want to’.
They’d discussed it a few times in more detail after that, but always as some nebulous, far-off thing to look forward to in their retirement years.
That’s all to say, Michael had been expecting this eventually—just not, like, fucking tonight, before he even had the chance to mentally prepare himself.
But somehow, in spite of being caught totally off-guard, the answer came far more easily to Michael than he would’ve expected.
“Yeah. Let’s get married.”
It would be a lie to say that Michael wasn’t terrified by the thought of being bound so tightly to another person. After all, there was no greater gesture of goodwill. How could the part of him that spurned anything not borne from malice ever possibly accept something like that?
And yet, when Alexis looked up at Michael like that—with a love so vast it threatened to swallow him whole—he couldn’t find it in himself to say ‘no’. His Alexis, so smart, so beautiful, so full of love, was the only person Michael could ever possibly imagine a life with.
“Y-you mean it?” Alexis asked in a voice that was breathy with cautious hope.
Michael let out a small snort of amusement. He’d been the one to bring up marriage in the first place, and yet Alexis was acting as though he’d expected Michael to turn him down. “Just get over here and put the damn ring on me. I want a closer look.”
Alexis lit up like the fucking Sun.
With still-trembling hands, he carefully slid the ring onto Michael’s finger like it was the most precious thing in the world. Michael wished he could have relished the softness of Alexis’ hands for longer, but the ring demanded inspection.
Michael held it up, letting it bask in the warm light emanating from their hotel room as he admired it. It was a simple platinum band embedded with a gem the color of Alexis’ eyes.
“It’s a pink sapphire,” Alexis explained. “I know the ring’s pretty modest, but I thought that’d be fine since it’s just an engagement ring. But if you’d prefer something fancier, we can always—”
“It’s fucking perfect,” Michael said, pressing his lips to Alexis’ soft cheek. “You know, I might even be able to get away with wearing this in public if I put it on a necklace. We should get you a matching one, too. If anyone asks, we’ll just say they’re ’friendship rings’, or some shit like that.”
Alexis’ eyes shimmered at Michael’s suggestion, and it was only then that he realized his boyfriend—no, fiancé—was on the verge of tears.
“You damn crybaby,” Michael murmured fondly, pulling Alexis into a hug. He could feel his own eyes beginning to sting, and he knew that for what must have been the first time ever, it wasn’t out of misery.
They just stayed like that for a couple of minutes, Michael quietly stroking Alexis’ soft curls as he allowed his newly betrothed to stain his three-thousand-dollar shirt with snot and tears.
“Sorry, sorry. I’m just so happy,” Alexis apologized thickly once he’d finally pulled back, all red-rimmed eyes and tear-tracks.
There was something blooming in Michael’s chest so warm and euphoric that he couldn’t even find it himself to give Alexis so much as a gentle ribbing.
“You’re not the only one,” he said with a smile softer than he knew himself capable of, wiping the tears from Alexis’ cheek with his thumb.
“To be honest… part of the reason I proposed so soon was because I caught Yoichi looking up engagement ring ideas,” Alexis confessed. “There’s just no way I could let him outdo me and propose first!”
Oh? Now that was interesting. “So Yoichi’s planning to propose, huh? Well, knowing him, it’ll be at least a year before he works up the courage to propose to his dear Meguru. He’s not so bold when it comes to matters of the heart.” Not that I’m any better than him in that regard.
Alexis giggled at that, and Michael wished he could bottle the sound up and display it on his trophy shelf. “Yeah, you’re probably right, but just in case. Wait, I know—let’s get a picture together and show him! I want to rub it in his face.”
Michael raised an amused eyebrow at that. “You sure you wanna do it in this state? I’d rather not show your crying face to anyone, least of all Yoichi.”
“Well, when you put it like that…” Alexis preened happily, a self-satisfied smile spreading across his face. “Alright, then at least let me get a picture of the ring on your finger. I just really can’t wait to show this off to him!”
“Go ahead.” Michael held his hand out, admiring the way the ring caught the city lights. It was cheesy as hell, but the thought of carrying a piece of Alexis with him whenever he went made Michael’s heart flutter.
“N-no way!” Alexis was staring wide-eyed at his phone screen, clutching it so hard it seemed like he would break if he exerted even just the slightest bit more force. “I didn’t hear anything about Meguru being in Munich!”
“Huh? What the hell are you talking about?”
Michael grabbed the phone from Alexis’ hand, only to find a picture of Yoichi and Meguru grinning back at him. On Meguru’s finger was the source of Alexis’ distress: a ring.
“Well, shit,” was all Michael could say in response to that.
“Stupid Yoichi! Asshole Yoichi! That sneaky bastard was hiding this from me. He didn’t say anything about proposing today!” Alexis’ lip was trembling as though he might burst into tears at any second—and not tears of happiness, this time around. The poor thing looked utterly devastated.
“Alright, alright—just breathe, Lexi.” Michael pulled Alexis back into his arms, rubbing his back in an attempt to calm his boyfriend down. Secretly, he was just barely holding back from bursting into laughter. It was very rare that he got to see Alexis so worked up anymore, and he’d forgotten how fucking entertaining it all was. “Did he even know you were proposing tonight?”
Alexis groaned softly into Michael’s shoulder. “I maybe… mentioned it to him once or twice. I just didn’t think he’d actually…”
Michael allowed himself a small chuckle. “That’s kind of on you for not thinking he’d take advantage of that. You should be keeping your cards damn close to your chest.”
“I’m such an idiot…”
“Maybe just a little.” Michael pulled back just enough so that he could speak directly into Alexis’ ear. In a low voice, he murmured, “Look, Lexi, I’d really rather not think about another man right now. And you still owe me for earlier, remember? You promised I’d get to do what-ev-er I want to you once we got back to the room. I think I’ve waited long enough, don’t you?”
The shiver that earned him was just delicious.
“Ah… Y-yeah…”
“And maybe once we’re done, we can send him an even better picture.”
“Y-yeah!”
Alexis Ness:
[Image attached]
Yoichi Isagi:
WHAT THE FUCK
STOP INVOLVING ME IN YOUR WEIRD SEX SHIT
but congrats I guess