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The sound of heavy footsteps across empty, blue-tiled streets all but echoed in the early morning light. The mist had yet to clear from the horizon as Gaius Baelsar, former leader of the XIVth Imperial Legion and present provisional leader of the territory of Werlyt walked towards the viewing terrace that overlooked the ocean. Given the early hour- half-past five bells- he hardly expected to see anyone else waiting there. Most military forces would rise at six, and Allie was fast asleep in her bed when he left his residence.
His brow furrowed as he drew close enough to see a now all-too-familiar rabbit-eared silhouette awaiting him at the very end of the overlook. (A familiarity born only from repeated visits: In truth, he hadn’t known what to make of it when the Warrior of Light came to Terncliff to follow up on some business for the Scions’ former coinkeeper. He knew even less what to make of the man now, after all he’d seen since.)
Xander Kinneman had a bizarre habit of crossing paths with Gaius when he least expected it, and this morning was no exception. They’d not exchanged direct contact information, so it would be foolish to expect any advance notice of his arrival, but for him to turn up this early in the day unannounced made hackles raise in the back of Gaius’ mind.
Xander didn’t seem to notice as Gaius came to stand next to him, his upper body slumped over the railing and his sapphire eyes fixed downward, watching with intense, grim fascination as the ocean waves pounded against the sheer cliff face below. There was a hollowness in his gaze that put Gaius in mind of a soldier he’d once seen contemplating the barrel of his pistol. Whose family he had to write to inform of his passing.
He cleared his throat to gain the younger man’s attention. “You’re here rather early.”
Xander did not seem startled by his presence, but he did straighten his posture and square his shoulders. His gaze shifted to the horizon, his expression something that might have passed for a pleasant smile were it not for the way his ear subtly twitched. “I couldn’t sleep, so I decided that I might as well go out and do something rather than lay there in bed staring at the ceiling.”
Gaius arched a brow. “You’re here on official business, then?” When the Viera refused to answer and rubbed the back of his neck, Gaius’ brow furrowed again. “Or is it a personal matter?”
Xander answered him with a slight smirk and a cant of his head. “Perceptive as ever. I realize it’s hardly the best hour, so I can busy myself around town if you’d rather not go for that sort of fun this early in the morning. But, if you’re amenable, I can be flexible.”
And there it is. Gaius thought, forcing himself to keep his face neutral despite the bitter scowl he wanted to give in response. Each time, he comes here exhausted. Each time, he needles me into indulging him and his fantasies. And each time, I-
Resolve hardened his gaze to steel as he took hold of his erstwhile enemy’s wrist, dragging him along in his wake as he stormed back towards his residence and his bedroom. He received no complaints from the warrior about the rough treatment, only a gasp of surprise and deeply flushed cheeks.
He barely offered two words to Allie as he passed her sleepily rubbing her eyes in the hallway, focused instead on wrenching the door to his bedroom open and all but throwing Xander into the room. As the Viera scrambled to take a seat on the bed, Gaius sharply closed the door behind them, clicking the lock into place and leaning back against the door to block his exit.
“We need to talk, Warrior of Light.”
Xander’s fingers clenched into the sheets behind him as he leaned back, subtly spreading his legs. His voice dipped low into his chest as he drawled, “My, the legatus voice already? I take it we’re using the same outs as last time, then?”
Gaius pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes to momentarily block out the sight of the man currently looking at him with a half-lidded gaze. Xander clearly knew- or at least pretended to know- the effect he had on people, and Gaius could not afford to get drawn in by his games again. He took a deep breath to compose himself before growling, “This is precisely what we need to discuss. I know why you’re really here. I will not be made party to whatever self-punishment you’re inflicting any longer.”
As Gaius opened his eyes, he found Xander paused in the middle of removing his two-fingered gloves, leather laces undone and dangling and his teeth poised to drag the glove from his hand.
The younger man’s attempt at a seductive smile took on a strained edge as he chuckled, “Self-punishment? What are you on about?”
Gaius’ nostrils flared. “Every single time you’ve been here since you came on that coinkeeper’s behalf, you’ve sought my company in bed. Every time, you’ve been sleep-deprived or otherwise compromised in your judgment, and every time, you have insisted on playing the part of the captured victim, the little savage to be insulted and controlled by my hands.”
Xander arched his own brow, folding his arms and crossing one leg over the other as he retorted, “And? You’ve certainly had no issue indulging my peccadilloes before.”
To an untrained eye, the Viera seemed the picture of glib ease. But Gaius knew from the terseness of his tone and the way his body language closed him off that he’d struck a nerve. He stepped away from the door, closing the distance between them but still blocking any direct path of escape. “True. And yet, I couldn’t help but ask myself why. Why would the Warrior of Light specifically seek my aid in indulging such fantasies, without any real knowledge beyond hearsay that I could offer what he sought? Why, if enjoying temporary degradation was the game, would he not seek such company closer to home? He's surely seen pleasure houses the world over. Why not visit one of them?”
Though Xander stood taller now than he had when he and Gaius first crossed paths, he was still dwarfed by the former legatus in both height and build, and he shrank even further into Gaius’ shadow as he approached the bed.
Xander’s arms unfolded, and he opened his mouth to summon a retort. Seizing his opening, Gaius interrupted, “Unless, of course, he knew that rumors of such activities would pass directly to the ears of the Scions. To those who would find such actions an alarming sign and would check in on him. No, if he were looking for a means to harm himself, who better to seek it from than one of the few foes he has yet living?”
Xander’s shoulders rose several inches, his fists now clenched over his legs, which quaked with the repressed urge to stomp or rise to his feet. “Now you wait just a moment-! What in the seven hells makes you think I have any intention- much less a habit- of harming-“
“Scars like the ones on your wrists don’t come from external battles, Warrior of Light.”
While Xander let out a deep breath that sounded more like a growl, Gaius loomed over him, staring down with an imperious gaze. “I will ask this only once, and you had best answer with complete honesty. You have been using me as a means of self-destruction. Yes?”
Gaius didn’t know how he expected the Warrior of Light to react to so direct an accusation. Only that he did not expect him to bury his face in his hands and laugh.
“Ha! Haha, why is it, whenever I approach someone or decide to do anything that I want for myself, the first accusation people always jump to is that I’m using them for something?”
The words had an air of a much deeper wound about them. Gaius got the distinct impression that this was no longer about him alone, but some other partner. Opting for blunt honesty over sympathy or comfort, he answered, “It would be a less common accusation if you were capable of being honest with yourself. Had you approached me with full transparency, we would not be having this conversation.”
“Do you think I want to lie? Do you think I do any of this with full intent?!”
Gaius took a step back as Xander stood up from the bed and rose to his full height. Though he did not doubt that in his present emotional and physical state Xander would pose little threat to him, it wouldn’t be wise to be caught off-guard. Especially with the mania present in the warrior’s dark-circled eyes.
“I don’t know. To answer your little question, Baelsar, I don’t know. I don’t know why people always think I know the reasons for my actions. Just because my every decision in battle takes planning and forethought doesn’t mean that I have this deep, inherent, and unerring understanding of my own godsdamned psyche!”
He shoved his hand through his hair before gripping around the base of his own ears, his brow knitted from a combination of frustration and pain. “I wish I did. Gods, but I wish I did! Because I know, all right? I know exactly how bad this looks from the outside, if my intentions were what you say. I know, but I can’t explain- and I somehow doubt you’d be any happier if I actually had a good reason to- to…“
Xander trailed off, horror in his expression for the briefest of moments before he let out another laugh that sounded more like a sob as his legs crumbled beneath him, sending him to the ground in a heap. “Of course. Of course. And now you see. Now you know the true face of the vaunted ‘Champion of Eorzea’, the ‘Warrior of Light’: A user, a liar, and a narcissistic bastard who’s someone managed to fool those around him into thinking he’s anyone worth a damn, just like… just like…”
His fist slammed against the floor, hard enough that for a brief moment Gaius thought it might damage the hardwood. “Twelve, I hate being like this. Except, oh, wait, I can’t exactly invoke their aid now either, considering I helped to destroy the avatars of that entire pantheon!”
As the Warrior of Light was taken by another fit of manic, sobbing giggles, Gaius’ eyes rolled to the heavens. He took a deep, slow breath to keep his composure as he mentally ran through his options.
'Twould be wise to contact the Scions and advise them of their champion’s mental state immediately. They knew him best. Surely they would best be able to offer support.
His thoughts roamed to the Scions he knew personally, and he couldn’t help but scowl. While Alphinaud was mature for his age, he was far too young to attempt to handle a breakdown this serious. One that even a practiced medicus who specialized in treating wounds of the mind would struggle to address. And Estinien… While he didn’t doubt the man understood Xander on a level no one else could hope to reach as a fellow Azure Dragoon, his level of bluntness would be just as like to break the already fragile warrior as help.
And regardless, he plainly doesn’t want the Scions involved. Out of lack of trust or a lack of ability to help him, I can’t be sure. And without that knowledge, sending him back to them could make things worse.
He ran his hand over his face with a deep sigh. How has it come to me to resolve this?
Aloud, he addressed the warrior in a sharp tone intended to break him out of his momentary episode. “Be that as it may, it appears that we have come to a crossroads. I am no longer going to participate in your self-punishment, but I will offer you a choice. Do you understand me?”
Snapped back to reality, Xander’s eyes refocused onto Gaius with unnerving intensity. “Wh-What sort of choice?”
Gaius knelt before him, making sure to maintain direct eye contact with the warrior as he laid out his options. “Option one: I can offer my assistance with whatever troubles drove you to seek out my company in the first place. I will be discreet, and you will be transparent, because this situation cannot stand as it is. Option two: you and I can part ways here and now, and I will pass my concerns on to the Scions and those who care about you. As a… friend.”
The sheer panic settling into Xander’s eyes made him look distinctly like a rabbit with its foot caught in the jaws of a slavering wolf. Which, Gaius supposed, wasn’t too far off from the truth.
“You’re blackmailing me?” Xander hissed, defensively curling in on himself.
Gaius shook his head. “Not blackmailing, per se. Nay, I am delivering you an ultimatum. Whether you seek proper help from my hands or receive it against your will from those who know you better is your decision to make.”
A long moment of silence spiraled between them as Xander’s eyes darted around the room at speeds likely matching his racing thoughts. When he collected himself, he looked away from Gaius and pulled his knees close to his chest. “…don’t tell them. I can’t promise more than an attempt at whatever exercise you’re going for, but please, please, don’t tell them.” A shudder ran through him as he whispered, “If they heard- if they knew, especially the twins or Celeste or Urianger… I couldn’t. I can’t.”
Gaius made mental note of the specific companions it appeared the warrior couldn’t stomach knowing about his mental state, then nodded. “Very well. We will work on this. So long as you continue to make the attempt in good faith, it will remain between us.”
He rose and made his way to the door, opening it and pausing to address Xander with gentle sternness. “Now, as a first step, I am ordering you to bathe yourself and get some sleep. We still have much to discuss, but you are in no shape to have that conversation now. And I have business to which I must attend. You are not to seek me out until you’ve at least had a nap. Are we clear?”
Xander nodded, slowly pulling himself onto the bed with trembling limbs. “Crystal clear.”
Gaius offered him a nod before closing the door behind him and heading down the hallway, following the scent of a fresh-brewed pot of coffee. He owed Allie several apologies after all the chaos of the morning, not to mention all the meetings yet on the docket with the Resistance forces.
This is going to prove a long and trying day.
Allie, to her credit and Gaius’ relief, did not question him about Xander’s sudden arrival or the shouting she’d doubtless overheard down the hallway. She seemed laser-focused on finishing preparations for breakfast and setting food out on the table. She sat and enjoyed some eggs and coffee with him in a companionable, if awkward, silence before Gaius rose from the table.
“I’m off to work, Allie.” He announced, patting her on the head. “Take care. Stay safe. I might be late returning.”
She nodded. “I will, Father. Once I finish up some things here, I’ll head off to the orphanage.”
Gaius offered her a small wave before he stepped back out into the early morning sun shining over Terncliff. As he stepped out of the house, he looked towards the window of the upstairs bedroom, where he knew- more accurately, hoped- Xander either slumbered or would soon be slumbering.
Long had I suspected that the Warrior of Light was overburdened to the point of mental collapse, and yet… He frowned, the utterly manic expression in Xander’s dark-circled eyes from but an hour prior lingering in his mind’s eye. He needs more help than he’s receiving from the Scions. What ails him may well be beyond my ability to address- I’m hardly a medicus by trade- but what aid I can provide, I will offer. Even if that’s little more than a listening ear.
His frown darkened further into a scowl. That is, assuming he actually does as I asked and remains here in Terncliff. I truly do not relish the thought of making contact with the Scions, but if needs must, I suppose Estinien would be the better man to pass the message to than Alphinaud. The Warrior of Light did specifically request that the Leveilleur twins be, as much as is possible, kept out of it.
Gaius shook his head to break from his current train of thought. I’ve too much work to do to lose time thinking about this.
With that, he wrenched his gaze from his home and made his way to the building serving as the Werlytian Embassy Hall, wherein rested all the day’s administrative work.
Once Gaius was focused in on his work, he had all-but forgotten about Xander’s presence. Forgotten, until after a meeting with the Ironworks to follow up on the status of the WEAPON disposal project, Cid practically dragged him aside by the shoulder.
“Cid. Care to explain what’s so urgent that it requires you to manhandle me?” Gaius asked, brushing his former protege’s hand from his shoulder.
“You've got a lot to answer for, Baelsar.” Cid retorted, crossing his arms. “Mind explaining what the Warrior of godsdamned Light was doing all the way out in Terncliff this morning?”
Gaius schooled his expression to one of careful neutrality- a mask that slipped on naturally after years of service to Garlemald. “Hm, I didn’t realize he was in town. Odd. I would imagine you would know more about his motives than I, Cid. Does he not collaborate with the Ironworks from time to time?”
“His miqo’te friend does, not him, and you’re dodging the bloody question.”
Gaius crossed his arms in turn. “I don’t know why you’d think I would know what he was doing here.”
Cid stomped on the floor, a fist clenching at his side as he dropped the closed-off posture for a more confrontational one. “Because my people saw you dragging him by the wrist into your godsdamned house, Gaius, now what in the seven hells-“
Gaius arched an eyebrow. “Your ‘people’ supposedly saw me drag the Warrior of Light into my house, and did not attempt to intervene? And you think to bring this gossip to me? Surely, given everything on your plate, your people have better things to do with their time than to involve themselves in others’ affairs. I thought you ran a tighter ship than that, Cid.” Determined to keep the engineer off-balance, he continued for the coup-de-grace, “You certainly used to. I’m disappointed.”
Cid’s brow knitted in fury, teeth gnashing as he shot back, “Oh you son of a- Don’t think I haven’t noticed what you’re trying to do, Gaius. That’s a weak attempt at manipulation from someone of your caliber.”
“Oi, Chief? Got Jessie on the line here, and she’s hopping mad! Something about wasting company resources on your passion projects-?”
Gaius let his relieved sigh out through his nose as another member of the Garlond Ironworks rushed back into the room, finger to her ear as if deep in a linkpearl conversation. He cut his eyes back towards Cid’s subordinate with a dry, “Well? Duty calls for us both. Best you get back to yours and allow me to focus on mine.”
Cid’s eyes narrowed nearly to slits. “All right, keep your damn secrets for now. But I refuse to drop this.”
“If you intend to waste your precious time searching for answers that I cannot give, then that is your prerogative and I cannot stop you. However, I am telling you now- you will find nothing, no matter how hard you search, because there is nothing to find.”
Gaius heard a grumble that sounded distinctly like ‘-load of chocobo shite-‘ coming from Cid on his way out of the meeting room. He held his composure until he heard the door close behind the Ironworks team, at which point he gave his weight to the chair in front of him, gripping it on the top as he tried to steady himself.
That was too close. Cid’s too perceptive by half. A fine quality in an engineer, but a damned annoying one when attempting to keep someone’s confidence. Best if I give the Ironworks a wide berth until the Warrior departs.
Gaius took a deep breath to gather himself, then strode out of the embassy and towards the viewing terrace where, not twelve bells earlier, he’d caught sight of Xander staring into the ocean like he intended to take a flying leap over the balcony. He carried a worn book covering Werlyt’s trading routes and supply lines that he could study to determine the best way to provide their people with much-needed aid. Making himself as comfortable as he could on the bench, he opened his book and began to read.
It did not take long for him to spot movement out of the corner of his eye. Though he kept his focus on the book in his hands, he could tell Xander was fast approaching. A relief. (But was it, really? He’d kept his word, and that meant Gaius wouldn’t need to make an exceedingly awkward linkpearl call. However, by the same token, that now meant that the lad’s breakdown was entirely in his hands.)
Gaius knew that Xander knew that he was there. He could see it in the nervous fidgeting the Viera did as he tried to affect an air of calm. Feel it in the way he shifted to square his shoulders and grip his knees before he spoke.
“…I- I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have had to see me like that. No one should have to see me act the way I was earlier.”
Xander’s apology came in a voice so quiet it barely carried over the cry of the terns above. Unsure if he intended to keep speaking, Gaius let out a noise of acknowledgment, but did not look up from his current page on the inland supply chains.
There was a deep intake of breath at his side. “Look, if you want to tell the Scions everything anyway, despite our agreement, I wouldn’t blame you.”
Gaius’ incredulity at that statement must have shown on his face, for a moment later, Xander scoffed and continued, “No, I would. I would blame you, but I would understand it if you did.”
Honesty. Refreshing. Gaius thought, his lips curling in a wry smirk. Still, he seems disinclined to speak further. Perhaps with some encouragement…
Gaius had spent decades taking a nip from a flask or a drag from a cigarette when the pressures of ruling an entire colony grew too intense. For Allie’s sake, he’d cut down on such indulgences, but he kept a flask at his hip out of old habit.
I don’t know if the Warrior of Light has such trivial vices, but it couldn’t hurt to extend the offer. Gaius thought, holding out his flask for his companion to take, one hand still holding his book open as if he intended to return to his work. (A lie, he knew. The Warrior had his full attention.)
The flask met resistance in the form of Xander’s hand shoving it down. “Ah-haha, no. Trust me, you don’t want me drinking when I’ve been feeling… the way I’ve been feeling of late. No one should be subjected to the way I was when I got back from Ultima Thule again.”
There was something strangely relieving in the knowledge that the vaunted Warrior of Light was not above using so pedestrian a coping mechanism as alcohol. Gaius couldn’t help but snort with quiet laughter as he placed his flask back at his hip. Seizing the opportunity to learn more, he asked, “I take it the bottom of a bottle is familiar company for you, then?”
It was strange to see such a leporine face make such a sheepish expression. “More than you know.” Xander sighed. “An old habit, I’m afraid. One started young by well-intentioned parents determined to quiet their little one’s night terrors. It’s taken me some time and no small number of black eyes to break myself of it.”
Gaius had seen such methods used even within Garlemald in the absence of medical treatment. With the lack of understanding most non-citizens who didn’t specialize in healing had, it was no surprise that parents at their wit’s end would turn to dulling their child’s pain over attempting to heal it. He filed away Xander’s reference to ‘receiving no small number of black eyes’ to break the habit- There is clearly a much deeper story there.- for later.
“And the sex?” Gaius prompted. “Did that start as a replacement to the comfort the alcohol offered, or-?”
Xander’s cheeks lit up as if set aflame. “I- No, not exactly. Sex was, erm, well it would have been a more common comfort, but until quite recently, I had good reason to avoid seeking it from any save those I trusted most.”
Gaius caught his meaning almost immediately. “A reason doubtless involving the shift in your physical form.”
Silence fell for a long moment. Xander didn’t seem to know how to respond to Gaius’ blunt statement of the facts. Gaius sighed. Eye contact felt entirely too intense or intimate for this discussion, so he kept his gaze towards the book he was no longer reading as he continued, “When I first faced off against you, it was against a hyuran man clad in the armor of an Ishgardian dragoon. When next I encountered you, you wore the silks of a nobleman and the codex of a scholar. It wasn’t until you first arrived here on your coinkeeper’s behalf that I saw you as a Viera. So either you were concealing your identity with a series of impossibly strong glamours, or you did something to alter your appearance at a fundamental level.”
He heard Xander chuckle weakly at his side. “Too perceptive by half. If you’ve determined that much, then doubtless you’ve already figured out the reason why. Assuming, of course, that whatever Imperial intelligence passed your desk about the ‘warriors of light’ didn’t already fill you in.”
Gaius knew. Oh, he knew only too well the reason for Xander’s dramatic change in appearance. No one had ever passed the information to him directly, but there was much he could infer from the pieces given to him.
Not one soul had heard of a Xander Kinneman prior to his registration in the Lominsan Adventurer’s Guild, as if it was an assumed name or an alias. A fighter matching his description under the name ‘The Golden Warg’ was reported to have fought on the Bloodsands, and was often seen in close collaboration with the Alchemist’s Guild of Ul’dah. The one place where anything resembling actual medicine might get created in this place where education remained so inconsistent.
There were people like him back in Garlemald, though they, like Xander, had to take extreme precautions and hide all remnants of their past. If they were discovered, well, while the official punishment might simply be a brief stint in prison or a period of hard labor, what the general populace would do to any of the scaenicum or alterageni…
He’d heard the tales. He didn’t care to dwell on them. He set his book aside and verbalized the path of his thoughts, without any reference to the terms of his homeland that would surely only confuse the lad. He finished with a reassurance that, “From the pieces I gathered alone, it would take quite a leap in logic and knowledge that was rendered contraband in the later years of Solus’ reign to figure out your secret.”
“Knowledge that you seem to have.” Xander commented, arching a brow. “Well, I suppose I ought to thank you for never using what you knew against me when we were on opposing sides.”
Fury lit a blaze low in Gaius’ belly at the mere suggestion that he would expose someone in such an unconscionable way. Though Xander was a man grown, something almost paternal flared in his chest as he realized the younger man’s surprise had to come from a place of painful personal experience.
Gaius scowled, at last making eye contact with the Warrior of Light at his side. “Even had I succeeded and you failed, I would never have allowed you to undergo such humiliation under my watch. There are certain lines one does not cross.”
That much, he could guarantee. He would have kept the secret and protected him as best he could, along with his alteragenia companion, Celeste. They would have proven far too valuable of a resource to waste on other people’s petty hatred.
Xander looked away from Gaius, his fingers gripping at the bench-wood. A hollow note rang in his voice as he said, “Would that everyone treated such things as sacrosanct, even against a hated foe.”
The question Who? Thundered through Gaius’ veins for several long moments as he waited for Xander to clarify.
He received his answer a moment later, though part of him almost wished he hadn’t.
Gaius could barely hear Xander’s voice over the crashing waves as he elaborated, “Zenos certainly didn’t.”
Ah. I suppose there was no avoiding the topic, considering the former Crown Prince’s revival and involvement with the Final Days. Gaius thought bitterly, pulling his flask from his hip and taking a long swig of whiskey that felt entirely too weak for the intense conversation he could feel looming over the pair of them. Though he, out of decades old habit, kept his face unreadable, he was certain his weariness and resentment tinged his voice nonetheless as he murmured, “Zenos…”
As Gaius put the flask back at his hip, he watched Xander look up towards the heavens as if for guidance. The Warrior of Light took a deep, deep breath as if to gather himself, then let it out in a heavy sigh. “You… have no idea what Zenos did after you and Estinien fled Garlemald, do you?”
Gaius frowned. “I know only the broad strokes- That it was he and Fandaniel that drove Garlemald to its final collapse. That he and the Ascian lit the kindling for the Final Days via the tempering towers they placed across the land. And that he is dead beyond retrieval in the wake of your defeat of the source of the Final Days.”
Xander laughed, his tone a shade too close to the manic fit he’d had that morning for Gaius’ liking as he shook his head in utter incredulity. “You weren’t kidding- Those certainly are the broad strokes of it, aye. And in painting so broadly, all nuance is utterly lost. No wonder my current state seems nothing short of foolishness, even to those who know me well.”
I’m losing him. If I don’t interrupt this train of thought ere it continues, he’s going to close himself off or flee again, and in either case, I’m going to have to make a call to Estinien that I would truly rather not make.
With that thought echoing in his mind, Gaius leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees as he inclined his head towards his companion. “Then perhaps you’d care to enlighten me. Paint the full picture, as it were.”
“Can you even handle hearing the full tale?”
Gaius felt as if he’d been punched in the gut, though he restrained his reaction to a silent arching of the brow. The Viera to his side fidgeted nervously with a loose thread on his shirt as he continued, “I mean, in the brief glimpse I got into Estinien’s memories of your assault on the capital, Zenos greeted you with… a rather startling familiarity. He seemed almost happy- well, as happy as that man could ever be said to be- to see you. And you were- You seemed almost in disbelief that it was Zenos himself committing patricide and not Elidibus. Given that, and what little the rumor mill was able to spin of your closeness with the former Garlean royal family, are you certain that you want to hear this?”
There were times where this bizarre Echo ability the Warriors of Light held fascinated Gaius, and times when the thought of someone being able to peer into another’s memories utterly terrified him. This was one of the latter. Seeing memories out of context might not provide the average Echo-blessed person with much information, but combined with the keen perception he knew that the clever warrior possessed, it allowed Xander to pierce through to the heart of a reluctance Gaius thought he’d masked carefully enough not to be seen.
“That I was close to the royal family and somehow managed to miss what Zenos had become is a condemnation of my own sentimentality and inaction, not a testament to my unwillingness to see reality for what it is.” Gaius growled, fists clenching idly as he glared out into the horizon. He forced his fists to unclench as he continued in a calmer tone, “And besides, I cannot deny that the few reports I received of his actions with the Ascian confused me. The tempering effect of the towers, most of all.”
He watched out of the corner of his eye as Xander’s shoulders squared and his eyes slipped closed. “It was Varis.”
The pit of Gaius’ stomach dropped. What-? His Radiance? But how, when tempering has ever been the domain of the eikons?
“Zenos and Fandaniel dismembered the corpse of the late Emperor and used its corporeal aether plus that drawn from the land itself to create the towers across the world. And in the desperation of the Garlean people to find peace, stability, and freedom as their empire collapsed beneath them, those fiends made of Varis a primal.”
For once, there was nothing Gaius could do to disguise his mounting horror. No matter how much he tried to keep his voice level, it shook as he spoke aloud the dreadful, slow realization that struck him. “Of course. The fervor of patriotism, of love for the motherland, twisted into an entity of faith not unlike that conjured by religious zealotry.”
Truth be told, Gaius had to admit it was an ingenious plan. Abhorrent, morally reprehensible, a violation of everything for which the once-proud nation of Garlemald stood, but ingenious nonetheless.
He’d not been as close to Varis as he had his grandsire, but his passing grieved him. That he himself had been blamed in the aftermath made his feelings on the matter more fraught than ever. But, for all he disagreed with Varis, Gaius knew one thing for certain: He did not deserve to be desecrated by his own son.
Xander’s eyes were open once more, a bitter chuckle passing his lips as he stared out at the horizon. “Just as Emet-Selch- nay, Solus zos Galvus intended at the inception of the nation he helped to build. Gods, I ought to be spitting on his grave for all the devastation he and his caused. I should be. But I can’t muster the spite. All because he had a ‘good reason’.”
An involuntary shiver ran its course through Xander’s body. Gaius’ brow furrowed. What cause does that phrase give him to shudder so? Aloud, he said, “Those words seem to trouble you deeply. I noticed it earlier this morning, when you were-“
“Going entirely mad?”
“…in the midst of your breakdown. In fact, that seemed to be the cause of the worsening spiral. Why is that? Why would that phrase trouble you so much?”
There was a long pause before the Warrior of Light found his voice to answer. His fingers clung to the bench-wood like the ledge of a cliff or the precipice of a building. He made eye contact with Gaius once more. “Because those words I spoke earlier… Those were his words. Zenos’ words, when he admitted that he caused the fall of his homeland for nothing, for wasted effort, because it didn’t manage to provoke the response he wanted out of me. He sneered at the idea that anyone would find his actions any less repugnant if he actually had a motive that anyone but himself could comprehend, much less sympathize with.”
That… tracks with Zenos’ behavior, from all I’ve heard. Gaius thought with a frown.
Word of Zenos’ fall from Crown Prince and Viceroy to reviled exile and Viator managed to reach his ears even here in distant Terncliff. Though he’d not heard the why of it, he’d long suspected his involvement with the Final Days was the reason. And even as a young lad, Zenos had never cared to offer an explanation for his actions or wrongdoings. That he’d carry that trait to the end of his days did not come as a surprise.
The bench creaked ominously as the Warrior of Light dug his fingers deeper into the wood. “And would that I could say that him setting Garlemald- setting the damned world ablaze- was enough to stoke my righteous fury, my hate. But no. No, I knew giving him my hatred would satisfy him just as much as granting him so much as an ilm of acknowledgment that he read me right, had read me right since the very godsdamned beginning. So, like the liar I am, I played the hero right to the very end. Right up to the moment he- the moment we-“
Xander’s words tumbled over one another at top speed, reminiscent of his pitched ramblings from that morning. It was as if a dam had burst and he could not stop the flow of honesty spewing forth outside of his own control, his body trembling from the strain of clinging to the bench and his eyes clearly shining and red as if he were holding back tears.
“I shouldn’t be here, talking with you right now. Zenos came to my aid to face down the Endsinger, if only so that I could humor him with his godsdamned rematch, but without him… Without his aid, this world would no longer be here. And neither would I. But because of his aid, I- I have outlived my purpose.”
Gaius’ brows raised as his stomach dropped for the second time within ten minutes. I had a feeling. That hollow look in his eyes, like a soldier staring down the barrel of a handgun. I’d seen it in my own not too long ago, after the WEAPON incident…
Xander’s head snapped to the side with startling swiftness as he broke their temporary eye contact, plainly trying to close himself off from the moment of intense vulnerability. “Don’t. Don’t start with the speeches about how that’s nonsense and there’s so much more I can still accomplish. I’ve heard them all before.”
From his companions in the Scions, no doubt. Gaius thought, pulling his flask from his side and taking another long swig. He wished he could feel anything resembling the warmth alcohol usually provided as he sighed, “…I wasn’t going to say anything of the sort. What I was going to say was that the sentiments you express… They aren’t uncommon for those who have been at war for so long that they’ve forgotten peace.”
Xander slumped forward in the bench, seemingly defeated. “That’s all well and good that others also feel ill-at-ease with peacetime, but that doesn’t solve the crux of my predicament.”
“Said predicament being…?”
“That I owe every breath I continue to draw to that bastard, and I don’t want to owe him a godsdamned thing. Not after what what he did to me.”
Gaius set aside his flask atop his book with a sigh before returning his attention to the younger man in full. “You are going to have to clarify what you mean, Warrior of Light, as it seems there is much Zenos has done to you.”
“He stole my body.”
Gaius felt his heartbeat crash behind his ribcage, the sound of blood rushing through his ears nearly drowning out the sound of the crashing waves and the whistling of the coastal winds. He watched Xander carefully clench and shift his jaw as if to stop himself from vomiting.
Gaius almost didn’t want to give voice to his next words and prayed he’d heard incorrectly, but kept his tone deadpan to avoid betraying his mounting horror and the waves of guilt that clenched impotently at his own stomach as he asked, “He did what?”
It was as if a dam over the Warrior of Light’s carefully guarded (yet so much more honest than he would care to believe) demeanor burst. He wasn’t manic as he rambled, not like that morning, but he wasn’t careful in his phrasing, often repeating himself or stumbling over his words, his voice so choked by tears at times that it was a struggle to hear him.
Gaius felt his heart sink as he heard the state of his homeland. He’d seen the reports- he’d have to bury his head in the sand not to- but seeing reports on paper and hearing a firsthand account of the devastation and the scars even a few short months of civil war had left upon Garlemald were two different things. Gaius knew the streets Xander described walking, and a part of him wept for the thought of those bombed out husks of buildings and the countless civilians living within.
It took him but a moment to recall Octavia, one of the gunners beneath his command at Castrum Meridianum. A bright, ambitious young woman who was eager to rise through the ranks and gain command of a batallion of her own. Gaius was relieved she wasn’t caught in the collapse of the castrum, and could hardly fault her the thirst for vengeance she doubtless nurtured against the Warriors of Light for the end of her life as she knew it.
Gaius wasn’t sure how he felt to hear the Warrior of Light so shaken over the similarities he could see between Crown Prince Zenos’s assault on the rebel headquarters in Ala Mhigo (a headquarters Gaius himself knew about and never cared to stamp out as they lacked the public support to attempt any major moves) and his own assault on Castrum Meridianum. When first they encountered each other, Gaius was certain Xander and his compatriots were little more than the pawns of the alliance and doubted any of them cared to see the damage they caused in their wake. As was only to be expected of savages.
And hearing Xander speak of it now, it seemed he was not stricken by regret until he’d experienced a similar incident from the perspective of the assaulted. Myopic, but not unexpected. And not, as he seemed to believe, exactly the same as the man he seemed to fear or loathe so deeply.
Gaius knew Zenos well enough to know the man would never once question, nor less regret his actions.
Xander’s recollections became more disjointed. He’d begin to speak about the refugees of the Ist and the fate of Lord Quintus van Cinna. (Gaius would need to offer libations to a distant gravesite later- they were near the same cohort in age, and though they oft disagreed, his decision pricked his heart with grief.) Then, he would leap ahead to the moment where the Ascian Fandaniel’s foul machinations with Varis’ corpse were revealed. Then, as if realizing his mistake, he’d step back and describe a conversation he held with defectors Maxima and Lucia before being plucked from ‘Camp Broken Glass’ by Ascian teleportation magicks.
Gaius looked to the man at his side and knew that he was no longer with him. Though he tried to ground his body by gripping the bench tight enough to make the wood shriek in agony, the faraway look in his eyes told Gaius that he was lost within his own memory.
This was no longer the Warrior of Light sitting next to him, now recounting events in a distant, dissociated monotone that directly contradicted the rapid rise and fall of his chest, his body reacting to threats no longer present, desperately searching for a way to fight back. This was Xander Kinneman, a young man of twenty-five summers who had seen more life in those years than some trained soldiers twice his age. A young man- a boy, really- that had experienced horrors (if the tall tales and his own disjointed memory could be believed) that would shatter the mind in the span of little more than two years.
And that didn’t even touch upon the deeply personal violation Fandaniel and Zenos had apparently seen fit to inflict upon him. Gaius thought he’d heard the limits of Zenos’ depravity when he learned of Varis’ ultimate fate. But for the second time in a scant few hours, he realized that, for all the sins he had committed for the glory of Garlemald, he did not, could not think enough like a monster to understand what the Crown Prince had become.
What else could one call a creature that would strip a man of his body, his autonomy, and force him into another’s fallen form, one that his victim would find repulsive and distressing, than ‘monster’?
Emotion returned to Xander’s voice, heralded by a sharp intake of breath he used to try, vainly, to ground himself in the present once more. “-a-and even now, I can still feel him. I still see him in my eyes if I catch my reflection the wrong way. I hear him using my voice when I seek pleasure-”
A disturbing thought. One that implies he’s heard what Zenos sounds like when- Then again, considering Zenos’ dire obsession with the boy…
“I can’t- I can’t get him out, and this body, my home, it’s- it’s his. It’s as much his now as mine. I don’t want it to be. But it is.”
It isn’t. It isn’t, you cannot allow him to take that from you.
…If he wasn’t so sure Xander had heard these exact words before and brushed off any comfort they could offer, Gaius would put his thoughts to voice. Instead, he listened on in silence.
“A-and the galling thing is that he did that to stoke the fires of my hatred. To goad me, and to prove that he could. Not even to use my body for some strategic gain like wiping out our forces or turning us on one another. But just… just…”
Gaius could hear no more. Not without offering him some meager attempt at comfort. He, famed legatus well known for his loquacious speeches, could find no words that might ease his pain, so he settled for laying his hand against Xander’s back. A gesture from which he winced away. Quickly leaned back into. Terrified and desiring comfort, both.
Xander looked around, seemingly confused by his surroundings or the sudden change in air temperature. The street lamps had come alight, the moon hanging high in the sky while they spoke.
Gaius took in a deep breath through his nose. Let it out in a deep sigh. Kept his tone calm and level against Xander’s slowly ebbing panic as he said, “When Zenos established that he had obtained the body-hopping capabilities of an Ascian, I suspected that he might be able to attempt similar feats of possession. I never would have thought him capable of targeting you.”
After all, if Ascians could attempt such a feat, why would Lahabrea have refused such a golden opportunity? He- and the Scions, plainly- had assumed it was impossible. But as it turned out, as long as soul was no longer within body, it didn’t much matter whose body was the target.
Gaius could feel the same righteous fury that fueled him when facing Valens burning within his core as he continued, “What those demons are capable of is a violation of the highest order. What Zenos inflicted upon you was a violation of the flesh, of the self, not unlike…”
He trailed off, the pit of his stomach dropping in mixed dread and horror as he realized the only possible mundane comparison one could make. To use someone’s body to serve their own ends as nothing more than a display of raw power and mockery. There was only one word to put to such humiliation.
His brow furrowed, a vaguely nauseous feeling squeezing around his stomach as he steeled his resolve and continued, “Not unlike… a rape.”
Xander crumbled.
It was never an easy thing to behold a man breaking down. Back in Garlemald, especially within the upper echelons of the military, such open displays of emotion would prove suicidal to one’s career and advancement. But, people being people, there was a limit to how much any man could endure. And every man had his breaking point.
Gaius, as a commanding officer and statesman whose very name commanded intense respect, had been privy to no small number of such intense emotional moments. Moments typically resulting from a court-martialed officer’s own actions, which had a profound limiting effect on his ability to extend his sympathies.
This… This was akin to catching Solus zos Galvus in a rare, unguarded moment of mourning over the loss of his son. Knowing what he knew now of the deceased emperor’s true identity as the Ascian Emet-Selch threw his recollection of the event into question. And yet, even now, Gaius was almost certain that, for all the Ascians and their ilk deceived mankind to advance their own ends, the grief he beheld in that briefest of moments was genuine.
The moment he realized he was being watched, the stern facade of Emperor Solus zos Galvus returned. A leader among men could not be seen to crumble, to hold in his heart human emotions. Not if he intended to command the fear and respect of his men. Of a nation. Of the world.
Gaius’ eyes widened as realization sank into the marrow of his bones. That’s it. That’s why he’s so desperate to avoid having the Scions hear of his mental state.
The Warrior of Light was an icon, a figurehead, a leader and lodestone to whom people looked for guidance and aid in times of crisis. If those who looked to him for guidance saw him crack and crumble beneath the weight of the mantle he bore, so too would they. For if their one hope could not stand undaunted, what hope did any other have?
If a legatus showed his fear, his worry, his sadness, his uncertainty, his men would know they had cause to panic. Order would break down. Chains of command would crumble as people searched for someone with a level head and a firm voice to guide them.
The Warrior of Light could never be seen to falter. But Xander Kinneman was a very young man who had endured far beyond his mortal limits.
Gaius rubbed Xander’s back, offering him silent comfort as he would an inconsolable child. By turns, the young man’s sobbing eased into quiet sniffles and hiccups. Then, into shallow gasps for air as he finally, finally grasped the reins of his emotions once more.
When at last his tears had run their course, Xander wiped at his bloodshot eyes, sniffling, “Sorry. That’s still a raw spot for me. Gods, I hate crying. I bloody hate crying, especially over something I should damn well have moved on from.”
Gaius kept his expression neutral, nonplussed, though the fires of righteous anger within him built ever higher with each passing second. “’Moved on from’? If what you’ve told me is true- and I have little reason to believe that you were exaggerating- that you expect yourself to have ‘moved on from it’ in so short a timeframe is laughable. Laughable, if you expect it from yourself, and downright unacceptable if others have placed that expectation upon you.”
Xander’s eyes widened as he caught the unspoken accusation in Gaius’ words. “No, no, it’s not- They haven’t told me I should be- Well, not in so many words. It’s just, there wasn’t time. Everything with the Final Days spiraled out of control so fast, and by the time any of us had a moment to so much as breathe, Zenos’ little game was just about the furthest thing from everyone’s minds. It would’ve been pointless to break down over it by then, especially after facing down the all-but literal embodiment of existential despair at creation’s edge-“
Gaius blinked. Blinked again. I am going to presume that the explanation for this is far beyond my ken and move on. He has no reason to exaggerate about such a claim, and it aligns with all the rest proclaiming him the savior of the whole star.
To his credit, Xander seemed to realize how mad his claims sounded from an outsider’s perspective, and amended, “-I realize exactly how self-aggrandizing and patently absurd that sounds when I say it aloud, but I swear to you, I am not kidding when I say the source of the Final Days threw the despair of countless dead stars at me as a weapon. If I could endure that, then surely-“
Gaius’ brow raised an ilm. “It seems to me, Warrior of Light, that you have made it your business to shoulder every other soul in creation’s pain to bury your own.”
The Warrior of Light fell silent, reeling where he sat as if he’d just received a swift punch to the gut.
Best take this opportunity before he loses the thread and begins rambling again. Gaius thought. And people once complained at my verbosity.
“As it appears you’ve no pressing business to attend to… I would recommend that you remain here. At least for a few days, while you rest and recover your strength. Physical and emotional. Throughout those days, I will monitor your progress.”
Xander’s head tilted as he considered the proposition. “And if my progress seems sufficient within those days?”
Clever little rabbit, but you’re not hopping out of the healing process that easily. “I will let you know the next steps when we get there.”
Xander opened his mouth to protest. Gaius smirked in response and continued, “If I gave you a solid metric for what ‘progress’ looked like, you would simply try to project the image I wanted to see rather than actually engaging with what I asked of you. You’re too clever for me to allow you that kind of leeway.”
Xander folded his arms across his chest, a foul expression twisting his fair features. “I can’t tell if that was intended to compliment me or insult me.”
Gaius rose from the bench, sliding his book into one of his coat pockets in one smooth, sinuous motion. He was sure his canines were still on full display as he replied, “If I wanted to insult you, I’d have pointed out how plain it was that you neglected to follow my instructions for you to bathe before you sought me out again.”
Humiliation colored Xander’s cheeks as he rose to his feet in turn. “I don’t smell that bad! Do I? …oh gods, I hope I don’t-“
He seems so unflappable in combat, yet interpersonally, he’s so easily riled. Adorable. Gaius thought, shaking his head with a chuckle. “It was a jest. I only suggested the bath because you looked disheveled. Now, come along. There is more we must discuss, but it would be better if we did so inside.”
He hardly needed to glance behind him to know that Xander would follow in his wake. However nervous he was, it seemed he was a man of his word, and he truly intended to improve.
Gaius could only hope he was up to the task.
Streetlamps and the silver moon illuminated the two men’s steps as they wended their way back through the streets of Terncliff towards Gaius’ residence. Golden light poured out through the windows of the lower level, though thick curtains blocked a clear view into the house.
Allie’s likely already home from helping out at the orphanage, and has been for some time. Gaius mused. He frowned as a distant clocktower tolled the hour. Nine o’clock. We’d usually have taken our last meal by now. I hope she hasn’t been hungry.
As he unlocked and opened the door, the scent of a heavily spiced beef stew wafted through the air. From the way the Viera’s nose twitched, Gaius had no doubt that Xander could smell it too.
Speaking of, one might expect more presence from a figure like the Warrior of Light, but as he trailed along in Gaius’ wake, he seemed determined to fade into the background. To become as uninteresting or unremarkable as the wallpaper or a random book on a shelf.
It occurred to Gaius a moment later that perhaps Xander simply feared being a poor houseguest and didn’t want to touch anything when he had not been granted leave to do so. He sighed. “If you intend to follow my advice and stay here, then you needn’t be so withdrawn. You are my guest, so you may spend your time here or within the bounds of the city as you like unless I have instructed you otherwise. My office is off-limits, for obvious reasons, as is Allie’s room, but otherwise, you are free to make yourself comfortable. Within reason. If you make a mess, I will make you clean it up.”
Gaius could practically hear Xander rolling his eyes behind him as he replied, “Naturally. I may be a ‘savage’, but I’m hardly unmannered. I know how to behave in someone else’s home.”
The Warrior of Light seemed so offended by the suggestion that he lacked manners that Gaius couldn’t resist the urge to needle him just a touch further. “We shall see how well-mannered you are over dinner. Do try not to slurp.”
As they entered the dining room, Gaius could swear he heard Xander murmur something that sounded suspiciously like, “I’m not Estinien,” before falling silent at the sight of Allie seated at the table.
Allie sat at the table with her hands folded in her lap, lavender eyes cast down. Her expression seemed pensive, almost sad. I may need to speak with her later. Gaius thought before clearing his throat.
At the sound of her father’s voice, the auri girl’s body language immediately perked up, and she offered him a heart-melting smile. “Welcome home, Father!”
Gaius smiled back at her in return, feeling the knot that had settled in his brow over the past several hours of conversation slowly untangle. “It’s good to be home. I’m sorry it’s so late. I’d intended to cook us dinner tonight, but I was…” He trailed off as he tried to find the most delicate way to phrase what had happened before settling on, “Delayed.”
Allie shook her head, demurring his apologies. “Don’t worry. I thought that you might be busy, so I decided to go ahead and make some stew. It’s a good meal for entertaining guests.”
“I appreciate your efforts, Allie.” Gaius replied, leaning in to give her a brief, one-armed hug.
“I’m going to- I’ll just, um, go upstairs and wash up before we eat,” said Xander, awkwardly pointing towards the stairs with his thumb as he excused himself.
As soon as the man was out of earshot (though how great of a distance that would truly be with those leporine ears, Gaius had no idea), Gaius looked back to start answering the unspoken questions dancing behind Allie’s eyes. “Xander is going to be staying with us for at least the next few days.”
To Gaius’ infinite relief, Allie did not question why, merely nodding in response. After a moment, she averted her eyes and said, “I overheard some shouting and crying this morning. I didn’t want to pry, but I made sure to leave him some food. Is he…” Her hands worried the hem of her shirt. “Is he all right?”
There is no way for me to answer that in full without breaking the warrior’s confidence.
After a moment considering his response, Gaius answered as honestly as he could. “No. Right now, he is not.”
Allie’s eyes darted towards the other side of the room, a faint pink hue entering her pale cheeks. “Should I plan to stay over at the orphanage with the little ones for the next few days?”
Gaius’ eyes widened as he realized the likely motivation for her question. As much as he hoped to keep her out of his personal affairs, it seemed certain topics of conversation were unavoidable while living under the same roof.
“That might be for the best, yes. But Allie, if you need me-“
“I will let you know, Father. I am more than capable of fending for myself for a few days.”
The steel in her gaze took Gaius by surprise. He’d been treating her so gently since the WEAPON incident that he’d almost forgotten how very strong and independent his daughter was. She’d once been a soldier, and was hardly a helpless young maiden in need of his guidance at all times.
A moment later, Allie continued, “I hope that Xander’s time here helps him to feel better.”
Gaius nodded, the words “I hope it does, too” leaving his mouth before he could think better of it.
The sound of a throat clearing heralded Xander’s return from the washrooms. Father and daughter turned as one to behold their houseguest as he shifted awkwardly in place. He took a breath to gather his composure, then said, “Allie? Thank you for the sandwich and the coffee. It was very kind of you to leave those out for me.”
Allie once again shook her head as she rose from her seat. “It was no trouble at all. I’m glad it was able to help.” She straightened her shoulders. “Father, if you don’t mind, I’m going to head back to the orphanage. Some of the children have had awful nightmares of late, and I think they might appreciate having their ‘big sister’ around to console them.”
It was an obvious excuse to get out of the house to give the men some privacy, but Gaius understood the need for plausible deniability all the same. “Go ahead. I’m sure they’ll be happy for your presence.”
Allie nodded, her body almost reflexively starting to pull into an Imperial salute before she caught herself and settled for a pleasant smile and a wave goodbye.
Once the front door clicked shut behind her, Xander asked, “Are the children really struggling with night terrors, or was that just a convenient excuse for her to leave us alone? Because if there are children dealing with nightmares, I have some connections I might be able to-“
“Xander.”
From the way the Viera jolted, Gaius knew his tone had been far sharper than he’d intended. He pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a deep sigh before he continued, “While I… appreciate your typical eagerness to assist those in need, that was an incredibly obvious pretext to give us some privacy. And even were that not the case, I will not allow you to avoid working on your own problems by taking on someone else’s. Again.”
Chastened, Xander took the seat that Allie had left vacant. He laid his hands on the table as if folding them in prayer before quietly replying, “I was just trying to help…”
“And I will keep those connections you mentioned in mind, should the need arise. But for now, we need to focus on you. On your recovery. Which begins with ensuring that you take proper meals at reasonable hours.”
On that word, Gaius proceeded to the kitchen, where two clean bowls were set to the side of the stove, atop which simmered the pot of beef stew Allie had taken great pains to prepare. The vegetables and the meat were chopped a bit too large, he noted with a fond smile, but that wouldn’t affect the taste.
I believe I had this stew prepared for all of them while they were still recovering from illness. Gaius thought as he ladled the stew into each bowl. Hearty enough to restore one’s strength, but without sitting too heavy on the stomach.
At the thought of those four little auri faces looking up at him with such gratitude and awe, Gaius felt a wave of grief so keen that it nearly made him stumble. His fingers dug into the counter. He took each breath at a slow, deliberate pace to regain his composure. If I go out there and appear to be in distress, the Warrior of Light is like to forget every word I’ve just said in favor of trying to comfort me. I miss them dearly, but this is not the time. This is not the time.
With his composure re-established, Gaius took both bowls of beef stew back to the dining table and took the seat across from Xander. “Here. Eat.”
Xander’s brow furrowed at the tightness of Gaius’ voice. Perceptive. Annoyingly so. As he opened his mouth to ask the inevitable ‘what’s wrong’, Gaius cut him off with, “Go on, eat, before it gets cold.”
He cursed himself a moment later when he saw the Viera’s nostrils flare, his pupils contract, his fingers reflexively curl on his lap.
“Apologies. I didn’t realize-“
“It’s fine.” Xander interrupted through gritted teeth. “It’s fine. It’s… Stupid thing to get upset over, I’ll be fine. But if you don’t mind, I’d really rather serve myself a drink. Or if you’re going to insist, I’m going to need you to pour it in front of me.”
Gaius’ brow furrowed as the implications of Xander’s words sank in. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. One doesn’t ascend to such lofty heights without making their fair share of enemies. And as skilled an alchemist as he is, he would know precisely how easy it is to manufacture a poison that couldn’t be smelled or tasted.
Taking his thoughtful silence as license to continue speaking, Xander let out a wry chuckle and said, “Only takes watching one Sultana fall unconscious after drinking a laced goblet in front of you for a man to start keeping a weather eye out for poison.”
Gaius arched a brow. “The Sultana was poisoned? I’d heard she’d taken ill for an extended period.”
Xander’s eyes widened. “Ah, right, you wouldn’t have heard- you were already out of power by then. Yes, that was the official story. In truth, Nanamo Ul Namo was poisoned by Teledji Adeledji. Or, well, he tried to poison her. Lord Lolorito managed to swap the poisoned wine out for some laced with a drug that induced a death-like sleep.”
Bitterness sharpened his tone as he added, “Not that it stopped Teledji from proclaiming that the Scions wanted Nanamo dead and framing me for her murder.”
Gaius snorted, rolling his eyes. “And he expected that anyone would believe the Champion of Eorzea did such a thing after saving the realm from the intrusion of the Empire?”
Xander’s spoon clinked against his bowl as he idly stirred his stew, seemingly fascinated by the patterns it created in the broth. “The circumstantial evidence was pretty damning in the moment. I was alone with her, the last person in the room. I knew healing magic, but did nothing to try to save her. I had the vial in which the poison rested. Moreover, they knew I was an alchemist, and I was a member of the Ul’dahn underclass. Motive, opportunity, weapon, all present. Reputation aside, you cannot tell me you wouldn’t have thought the same.”
Gaius conceded the point with a nod. “When you lay out the evidence like that, it makes a compelling argument. Still, as enlightening as this discussion is, it doesn’t address the more pertinent issue that you need to eat, as do I.”
Xander sighed, continuing to stir his stew without taking a bite. “Must we? I’m not particularly hungry after… All of that.”
“That is understandable, but you need more than a single sandwich to sustain you. If your stomach cannot handle the heavier pieces of meat, then sipping the broth will suffice.”
Spoon clinked against table as Xander set it aside before taking the bowl into his hands. A slight smirk crossed his lips. “I thought you said you didn’t want me to slurp at the table. Now who’s being unmannerly?”
Gaius lifted his own bowl as a peace offering. “I will take someone actually eating when they need to over a lapse in table manners. Besides, this is hardly an official state dinner. Some breaches in etiquette can be forgiven. Now, then, to your health.”
Xander raised his bowl in answer. “I suppose I can ‘drink’ to that.”
As they drank, Gaius smirked. He knew this gambit only too well from dealing with reticent children. Once Xander had a taste of the broth, he was going to want to eat more. And even if he didn’t, he would at least have consumed something that could nourish him.
True to his expectations, as soon as Xander set his bowl down, having drained it of all broth, he picked his spoon back up and tucked into the chopped beef and vegetables with ravenous fervor.
Gaius took his meal at a more measured pace than Xander did, but still ate quickly out of decades-long habit. Whether the Warrior of Light’s present haste was due to hunger or habit, he couldn’t be certain, but he suspected a mix of both. When he went to pour some water for his guest to drink, Xander held up a hand to halt him, pulling from his pocket a crystal glowing in blue. He squeezed it like a man pulling juice from a fruit to fill his cup before setting aside the now-deaspected crystal.
“It’s just… easier if I do it this way.” Xander said by way of explanation. “Can’t always trust that nearby water sources are clean, and you don’t always have the time or resources to boil the hells out of it before you drink while on the road. This way, I can be sure it’s free of contaminants. Or poisons. I trust that you wouldn’t, our past engagements aside, but-“
Gaius understood the sentiment only too well. “Naturally. I must admit, you have a surprising level of medical awareness. Much of Eorzea still speaks in terms of humors, so-”
Xander arched a brow, his goblet paused halfway to his lips. “…have you forgotten what, exactly, it is that I do? My dealings with alchemy give me a much greater understanding of chemical reactions as a whole and directly feed into pharmacology. And, that aside, I am a healer, first and foremost. If I didn’t know the most common vectors by which disease can spread, I would be a very poor Scholar indeed.”
He set his cup down, and continued, “And, setting aside the fact that the Scholars of Nym became intimately familiar with how plagues spread, healing magic does bugger all if you don’t know how to set a bone, stitch a wound, or put organs back where they’re supposed to go. That bloody humors nonsense is a relic from the aftermath of the fall of Allag and all its purges of the intelligentsia, and I wish it would stop bloody circulating already.”
Gaius blinked once. Twice. “You are… quite passionate about your chosen profession.”
“Yes, and I don’t much care for the way people always assume I don’t know or wouldn’t understand things, either.” Xander groused, bitterly swigging at his water. “Warrior of Light I may be, but ‘warrior’ doesn’t translate to ‘thick-headed and only good for swinging a bloody sword’, you know.”
Gaius swirled the water in his own cup for a long moment, wondering where, precisely, he had ever implied the statement to which Xander had taken such great offense. “It does not, no. If I gave offense earlier, I apologize. I did not mean to insult your intelligence.”
The Viera let out a heavy sigh, setting his now-empty cup aside. “No, it’s- I overreacted. Even those who know me well tend to sort of assume they’re talking to a layman when going over aetherology and other such fields. Terribly Sharlayan tendency, that. I know they don’t mean to offend, but it still bothers me. And it’s not like you would know anything about the various classes and jobs people can use throughout Eorzea beyond the basic level most conscripts brought with them. I shouldn’t have-“
Gaius held up a hand to halt him mid-sentence. “That is something else we are going to need to address during your time here. I spoke incautiously. Accept my apology, or don’t, but stop trying to act as though you had no right to be upset.”
“It would be immature of me to be upset over something so minor-“
“Then be immature about it. You’re hardly opposed to acting like a brat in other contexts.”
The way the warrior’s cheeks flared made it worth the death glare his comment earned him. Xander took a deep breath, squared his shoulders, and replied, “Be that as it may, I am an adult, and I should comport myself like one. So… Apology accepted, Baelsar. Now, you said earlier this evening that there was more to our arrangement that we needed to discuss?”
Gaius nodded. “Indeed there is. First things first, your linkpearl. For the next three days, it needs to be turned off.”
Xander’s eyes went wide. “I- Must I? What if one of my fellow warriors needs me, or one of the former Scions calls, or new orders come in from the Maelstrom-“
Gaius held out his hand, expectant. “The world will continue to spin without the Warrior of Light’s direct influence. Unless there was some pressing, world-shattering business that you left unattended to come sleep with me-?”
His ears drooped ever-so-slightly before he removed the linkpearl and let it drop into Gaius’ hand. “No. No there was not. Fine, have it, but I expect it back at the end of three days.”
Gaius nodded, fiddling with the device for a moment until he found what seemed to be its power source and turning it off. “Of course. Once three days are up, I will return it to you without delay or question.”
Xander’s hand briefly went to the bridge of his nose before coming back to rest on the table. An odd gesture, clearly born of reflex, nerves, and habit. “What else?”
“Secondly, as I said before, I am going to need the utmost transparency from you going forward. Especially if you intend for me to fuck you again any time soon.”
Blond brows rose practically into the Viera’s hairline. “I’m sorry, I thought this entire conversation started because you no longer wanted for us to-“
“I never said that I did not want it. What I said was that the way in which you sought it was unhealthy. Self-destructive. And that I would not be party to your self-destruction any longer. But if you are willing to be honest with me, than I am not averse to the idea. That is, assuming that you truly still desire sexual contact. Do you?”
The younger man chuckled. “What sort of a question is that? I was ready to get on with it before you- before I- well, before all of that nonsense-“
“You’re downplaying things again.”
“But it is nonsense!” Xander half-whined, his foot reflexively stomping against the floor. “There is nothing actively threatening me. Everything that’s causing all of this is moons or summers old by this point, and I was fully capable of carrying on while we were handling that business with the Void-“
…He’s been dabbling with voidsent? Another discussion for another time. Gaius thought. Aloud, he said, “Have you ever paused to consider that it is precisely because you have nothing pressing to attend to that all of the horrors you’ve experienced are crashing in on you at once?”
“Of course I have. Why in the hells else would I keep myself so busy?”
Xander blinked as if in shock at his own words. Stunned that he had said something so honest, that hadn’t been carefully filtered through his usual ‘selfless hero’ mien. “Th-That isn’t to say that I take no joy in what I do. I love studying new disciplines and helping people out, I-“
He would not squirm his way out of the truth again. Gaius refused to let him. “But it is true that you keep yourself occupied to avoid having to be alone with your thoughts and memories.”
Xander’s leg jostled idly beneath the table. “Just never really knew how to relax. And my mind is… It’s not a place I want to be in. Not alone. Not when it’s so active, so cruel. And when my sleep schedule is, well, inconsistent, if I don’t have something to occupy myself during those midnight hours, then I ruminate.”
Gaius massaged the exhaustion-fueled headache lingering behind his eyes as he realized that the hour would soon get perilously close to midnight. There was more I wanted to discuss with him, but this feels like a more salient point to address.
“Then that is what we will work on tonight. The hour is late, and we should both be in bed. Come."
As Xander rose from his seat, he tilted his head in confusion. “I thought I would be resting on your couch.”
At this, Gaius couldn’t help but laugh. “That would be counterproductive to the goal of getting you to sleep at a consistent hour, and terrible for your back besides. This house doesn’t have a guest bedroom. So, until I can be certain that you will sleep when left to your own devices, you will share the bed with me.”
“And you aren’t worried about any… inappropriate behavior?”
Gaius smirked. “There will be no ‘inappropriate behavior’ unless you initiate it. And I would presume that if I told you ‘no’, that you would listen. If not, then we would have far more serious concerns to address. Now, follow me.”
Xander did as he was told, and followed Gaius upstairs. As they passed the bathroom, Gaius stopped in his tracks, blocking the warrior’s path and folding his arms across his chest. “Go. Bathe yourself. You were not upstairs nearly long enough to have done more than wash your hands earlier.”
The Viera seemed poised to argue the point for a moment before his shoulders slumped in defeat. “All right. I’ll meet you in your room when I’m done, I suppose.”
“Good boy.”
The words escaped Gaius’ mouth before he could stop them. Xander froze halfway through the door, his body drawn tight as a bowstring. “You truly ought to be careful saying such things to me. Gives a man ideas.”
It certainly does. Gaius thought. He knew only too well how weak the younger man was for praise, even if (perhaps especially if) it came with a patronizing undertone. A strong hand at his back or in his hair. Someone growling low in those sensitive ears of his. If it wouldn’t utterly defeat the purpose of both of them getting to sleep at a halfway decent hour, Gaius might well find himself tempted to engage with some of the idle fantasies dancing in his mind’s eye. Another time. Not tonight.
The door closed in his face. When the sound of water running heralded Xander’s actual use of the facilities, Gaius made for his room, closing the door behind him out of habit. He shrugged off his heavy, tattered coat, hanging it in the closet along with his pants and undershirt. His well-worn boots and socks found their place on the floor beneath the hanging garments.
Thus disrobed, he opened the drawer on the nightstand adjacent to the bed and began rubbing a strongly-scented ointment into his arms, shoulders, back, and knees. While his burns had healed and scarred as best as could be expected, Gaius still found himself plagued by a variety of sourceless aches and pains. Though whether those were from the residual effects of a castrum falling atop him or simply the result of time’s unrelenting march forward, he couldn’t be certain.
This night was manageable, but he could feel the embers of a flare-up deep in his bones. Sitting for hours on that bench had not agreed with him in the slightest. Another reason why, tempting though the idea admittedly was, he would need to avoid indulging thoughts better saved for a busy left hand in the morning.
A small knock startled him from his routine. He placed the ointment back in its proper drawer, and said, “Come in.”
As Xander entered the room, Gaius turned to examine him. While he was not actively dripping, his skin had the rosy undertone of one who’d just emerged from a particularly warm bath, and a fresh, faintly earthy smell wafted across the room. He’d also taken the liberty of putting his hair up into a bun, presumably to keep it contained while it air-dried. (Gaius found himself grateful that he kept his own hair comparatively short. The maintenance and upkeep for hair like Xander’s or Estinien’s seemed nightmarish.)
His clothes were folded over his arm, his boots hanging in his hands as he shuffled into the room dressed only in his smallclothes. “Sorry, I um. Since I wasn’t expecting this to be an extended visit, I only really have these clothes on me. …Well, these, and whatever things I have aetherically linked with my Job Stones. But those aren’t exactly appropriate sleepwear, so-“
His nose wrinkled as the ointment’s distinctive scent reached him. “Is that a pain relief salve I’m smelling, or are you using an… interesting blend of moisturizer?”
Gaius chuckled as he pulled the blankets down on his side of the bed. “Perceptive of you. Although I should expect no less from an alchemist of your caliber. I take it you’ve compounded similar formulas?”
Xander nodded, hastily setting his clothes aside on a convenient chair. “They’re among the most common orders the Guild takes. That one you’re using takes advantage of the properties of certain pepper seeds and their warming effect on the body. I’d recognize it anywhere. Which means I definitely don’t want to have you touching anywhere intimate any time soon. And that you-“
“Need to wash my hands, aye, I’ll be rejoining you after I do.”
No sooner did Gaius return from taking care of that task than Xander had nestled himself snugly into the blankets on his side of the bed. For a man who proclaimed he did not sleep easily, he made himself comfortable quite readily.
Determined not to disturb him, Gaius pulled himself into bed and turned off the lamp at his bedside. “Good night, Warrior of Light.”
Though it was almost muffled to incoherence by the blankets and pillows, moments later, a reply came. “Good night, Gaius Baelsar.”