Chapter Text
“Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.” Ribbit says. Her words hang in the air and my insides fucking roil. My mother’s voice is clamoring in my head. Her words, freak, faggot, tranny, scream in my head. And they’re true, I can feel it, like it’s crawling across my skin. But the longer ribbit looks at me the more those voices begin to quiet. Not for a moment do I see any apprehension or disgust. I just see her eyes and her smile.
”don’t be stupid.” I say, my voice betraying my emotions. “I’m not some- some t…” I can’t bring myself to say it. But I have to let her know, she can’t just get away with this! I- I can’t get away with this! I can’t let myself be a-
“is that what you think of yourself?” Ribbit asks, a look of pity across her face. I get up, reaching for the bow.
”It’s what I am, I’m just a disgusting fa-“ but before I can rip the bow off or finish my sentence Ribbit interrupts.
“no!” Ribbit shouts, “you do NOT get to talk about my best friend that way!”
“Im not your best friend.” I say quietly, “why would you even want that?”
“because I love you jackass!” Ribbit yells back at me. “This circus is a nightmare but you make it bearable, you make me want to wake up every morning.” Ribbit chokes on a sob.
“how!” I shout, “how could you love someone like me? You’re not supposed to love me!” Tears, tears that I hate begin pouring out of my face. It’s like burning fury down my face. “My mother did everything she could to love me and I killed her! Can’t you see what happens? When someone loves me they get hurt!”
“Fuck you!” I throw the bow to the ground and storm towards the door. But Ribbit steps in front of me.
“No!” Ribbit shouts, “no way! You think I can’t see it? Just last week on that adventure through the city I saw you looking at that dress in the window. I just want you to love yourself as much as I love you!” She’s crying now too, “why can’t you see it? Why can’t you see just how funny you can be? Just how lovely you are? Just how precious you are? I don’t give a shit what awful things your mom said! I want you to be happy ok?”
“I don’t want to be happy!” I shout, “I don’t deserve it!”
“I’m a murderer!” I shout back, collapsing onto my knees. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take this anymore. I can feel it happening. I can feel my mind splitting. This is abstraction isn’t it? “I’m a murdered, I’m a fag, in nothing but a fucking tranny.” I’m sobbing now, and I’m just starting to let it happen. My arms are beginning to glitch out and it burns. Good, of course abstraction would hurt, it’s what I deserve.
“Jax?” Ribbits voice is filled with horror. ““No, no don’t do this.”
“It’s easier if I let go.” I say, feeling the glitching reach up my arms, I’m surprised I’m not screaming. “I wont hurt you anymore if I’m gone.” I close my eyes and prepare myself for it. But then I feel her arms around mine.
“Daisy, daisy, give me your answer do.” Ribbit begins to sing softly. Her voice is like a lullaby. I pause, and I can feel my abstraction pause with it. “I’m half crazy, all for the love of you.” I want to hear the end of the song. I don’t know why but I do. My body continues to glitch, but it doesn’t progress. “It won’t be a stylish marriage, I can’t afford a carriage. But you’ll look sweet, upon the seat of a bicycle built for two.” Ribbit’s voice trails off, and she squeezes me tightly.
“what do I do?” I ask her, my voice shaking “I won’t look good as a woman.”
“I think you look gorgeous.” Ribbit says, “I’ve always thought that.”
“you don’t mean that.” I choke out, trying to will the abstraction to keep happening. But it doesn’t happen, I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want to abstract.
”I do, I really really mean it.” Ribbit says, “we’re in this together eh? You’re not alone, and you’re beautiful.”
”Ribbit… what do I do?” I ask her, pulling away from Ribbit and looking at my glitching arms. “What do I do?”
“Well… we can go find that dress?” Ribbit suggests, “I remember how you looked at it.”
”no.” I shake my head, “that’s too much.”
”then… how about we try a new name? For when it’s just you and me?” Ribbit suggests, and weirdly enough. I’m ok with it. Fuck what’s happening to me? This isn’t who I am. I shouldn’t want this. I shouldn’t be loved.
”I can’t… I just can’t ribbit.” I say, “it just can’t happen, I can’t be a… a g-girl.” I sputter out, my mothers voice getting quieter and quieter.
”why not? I um… I have a friend on the outside who transitioned. The light in her eyes when she just tried being herself was so wonderful. Even in here, I want that for you.” Ribbit’s voice is soft, she gently wipes my tears from my face. “So why don’t you try it out? Just once.”
”just once?” I ask her.
”just once.” She nods. I’m quiet, for a long time. but I have it. I have the name. Just thinking it turns a light on in my head. “Found one?” She asks. I wipe the smile off my face, looking away from her. It’s annoying when people do that, act like they know what’s happening in my head. But just this once, she’s right.
”ugh, just… yes fine I have a name. Just don’t be weird about it.” I mumble.
”I’m not being weird about it.” Ribbit raises her hands innocently. Her hands are glitching, just from touching me while I was abstracting. I can’t help but feel relief at the fact that I didn’t.
”I… I don’t- this is so stupid.” I huff, “just call me Jax alright?”
”don’t lie to me missy.” Ribbit says light heartedly.
”I’m not lying! I’m just saying it’s stupid!” I groan.
”and that’s a lie.” Ribbit says, “now come on! Tell me.”
”fine!” I shout, “fine… it’s Daisy.”
“Daisy… a gorgeous name for a gorgeous girl.” Ribbit says. And if that doesn’t just make my mom shut up. It’s like fireworks go off in my head just hearing that. 80% of me hates how happy it makes me. But the other 20% just wants to give over to it, to the… to give over to being a girl. Maybe more of me wants to give over to being a girl. A lot more of me. Maybe around 100% of me.
”you don’t mean that.” I groan, despite myself. Despite how much I want that, to be gorgeous. That’s everything I’ve ever wanted. Is that true? Is that thought true? Is it everything I’ve ever wanted?
”I do daisy, I really really do.” She squeezes me in a hug. And for the first time, I feel alright.