Chapter Text
One day, sometime in the spring of 2003... somewhere in New Jersey...
"Heya, Ray?"
Gerard's voice cut through the soundtrack of the Super Mario Ray had been co-playing with for about an hour now. They were in Ray's room, a small, messy space with the two of them sharing a beanbag chair on the floor against the side of his bed. The band had a pretty great practice session earlier and were winding down for the night, all of them sharing a bit of beer and getting excited for the show that upcoming weekend. Mikey, though, had left early to hang out with some new girlfriend of his, and Frank almost immediately passed out on the couch in the livingroom. With nowhere else to be, Ray offered Gerard some chips and videogames upstairs.
"Yeah man!" Ray was still locked into the level, the two of them were getting pretty close to the end so long as Ray didn't screw it up.
He waited for Gerard to continue, but the room just went silent, quiet beeps and boops from the TV filling the gap. Almost as if Gerard forgot what he was going to say.
"Gee?" Ray paused the game and turned to get a better read on him. He honestly wouldn't be surprised if Gerard fell asleep mid-sentence, they had been up here for a while.
Ray looked at his bandmate. Gerard wore ratty, black and gray clothes to practice today under a worn-down hoodie. They all wrinkled together as his body tensed and pulled itself inward, his old shoes now fidgeting against each other. He wasn't as sweaty as he was earlier, but Gerard definitely acted the part and his hair still looked greasy as all hell as it fell over his face and ears, making it much harder for Ray to study his expression. Now Gee was just sitting there, jaw twitching and his hands fiddling with his controller like it was doing something in the game. His face tightened before speaking again.
"You... remember that time we practiced girl-kissing?" Gerard refused to look at Ray, but Ray could just barely see the whites of his eyes as Gerard stared down the floor.
"Uhm," Ray leaned back against the bedframe, forcing himself to recollect. It was a year- maybe two years ago now when that happened? The date escaped him, but he remembered the feeling vividly. Gerard's short, spikey black hair and cigarette stained breath as he scrunched his face up and leaned into Ray. Ray had done the same, but was breathing so hard he shot a bit of snot in Gee's face. In the end, he had stuck himself in his own head so hard, he barely remembered what the kiss even felt like and they both gave each other shit for half-assing the whole thing. Ray still cringed at the memory whenever it surfaced at night in his attempts to drift to sleep.
"Aw, dude," Ray rubbed his neck, the sick feeling in his stomach he got from all his embarrassing moments returning, "I thought we weren't gonna talk about that. It was bad."
Gerard threw his hands up, "Okay, yes. Agreed." His fingers interlocked, thumbs rubbing against each other as he pieced his next sentence together.
"Right, so..." Gerard's mouth tightened before his words began to spill, "Listen, I have a date or something this week. It's a whole thing, and the only kissing I've done since- you know, you... It's all just been trashy shit."
Ray did a few calculations. He didn't exactly keep up with Gerard's love-life, but trashy shit sounded about in line with what Ray did see in between shows. A lot of rocker girls seemed drawn to him just by being this eccentric lead-singer, especially by the end of the night when everyone's gotten a few drinks in. So that made sense, but what the hell does 'Or something,' mean?
"And I'm..." Ray put his controller on the floor, "Classy?"
Gerard let out a short laugh, "You're familiar, let's put it that way."
Ray tried not to grin. It was nice to hear that, even if it was less a compliment and more an analysis, but Gerard was still staring daggers into the carpet. Ray was still trying to figure out the point he was trying to make. That their one fake kiss was more pleasant than sloppy makeouts in the back of a bar? Ray would feel horrible if that was the case.
With a deep breath, Gerard finally whipped around to look at Ray, "Dude, I just don't know what to do if she frenches me."
"Oh! Uh," Ray relaxed a bit, Gerard was just asking for advice. He racked his brain trying to think of some decent-sounding guidance, he wasn't really the expert on this kinda stuff, "I think you french her back?"
"Exactly, and I'm not ready for that," Gerard rocked back and forth a bit, "So?"
A beat passed in the room as they stared at each other. Ray squinted at him, thinking about what the hell he was implying. Why he was so hesitant right now, why he brought up their old practice kissing in the first place... Ray finally pieced together Gerard's point, his breath halting a bit at the realization, "Wait, so you think I'd know how to?"
"You don't?" Gerard cocked his head.
"Well..." The truth was Ray had kissed a few girls up to tongue-level. He cringed at himself a bit for even calling it that, but he couldn't imagine he had kissed anymore girls than Gerard had. Both of them were touchy-feely kinda people in their own ways, so Ray assumed that Gee was doing his own thing behind the scenes. Trashy shit apparently, Ray honestly didn't know what exactly Gerard's definition of that was.
"So, can we practice again?" Gerard's voice got quiet and his movements slower, but he kept his eyes on Ray, "Just a lil' bit."
Gerard seemed really set on this. Ray scratched his jaw, like that would somehow cool his face down. It all felt so stupid the first time, Ray had squeezed his eyes shut back then. He was so wrapped up in getting it over with, he didn't really sit in the moment. He didn't think he even learned anything from the kiss despite the whole point being to get better at it. So to do it again... Maybe it wasn't so stupid. Or- it was, and Gerard really wanted a do-over. Did Ray want a do-over? He still didn't consider himself the best kisser at the end of the day, he hadn't even had a steady girlfriend since college. And what with the band getting busy playing real shows and making new songs, maybe it'd be good to get some practice in while they still could?
It's just... Gerard. He's the only guy Ray's ever kissed, and it was all a joke. Something to cringe and laugh about, not to indulge in more than once. It felt weird. It still feels weird. Most guys around Ray feigned sickness at the concept, but to Ray it felt like something foreign. Something he didn't know how to act around, the dread of something horrible happening if he even considered it. But Gee never cared about that kinda thing. Ray wasn't even sure how straight Gerard was, and he never made figuring that out easy. Did that make it better or worse? Would kissing him make Ray gay? He said it was girl-kissing. Is that different?
"Ray?" Gerard cut through his derailing train of thought.
"Sorry!" Ray hummed to himself, still trying to come up with a way to stop overthinking this, realizing he was already doing a shit job. This wasn't a big deal. They'd probably joke about it afterwards like they did last time. And Gerard was looking at him with those big, hazel eyes he could never say no to.
"I think..." Ray's mouth twisted around as his brain scrambled through ideas. If Gerard being a guy was the only hurdle, maybe Ray was going about this the wrong way.
"I have to pretend you're a girl. Really pretend."
Ray gave Gerard a glance, half-expecting some sheepish act or even rejection of such a proposal. Talking shit on stage about how much dick you suck or the dresses you wear is a lot different than being in the moment, Ray often wondered how much of what Gerard did up there was a performance and how much was himself. But to Ray's surprise, he was met with an intense stare from his friend. Not flustered or anything like Ray guessed, but leaning in ever so slightly as if waiting for him to say more. Curious.
Ray was suddenly grateful Gerard had been growing his hair out this year. It was dyed an inky black, a lot like the rock chicks at the bars they all went to had. Wisps of his hair curled a bit into his cheeks and away from his ears, with its bottom ends in thick waves against his neck. Gerard still had a bit of eyeliner on, smudged from earlier sweat and choppy from his constant face rubbings. It really brought out his eyelashes now that Ray was getting a good look at them. Maybe Ray wouldn't have to shut his eyes completely, Gee was passing for a decent rocker girl already.
Gerard began to mumble after Ray's failure to elaborate, "So, do you wanna..."
"Oh, right," Ray shook his head back into the present, he did kind of just agree to this. He figured Gerard was going to offer his own stipulation for getting through it, but maybe not. Ray guessed he must have been thinking about asking ever since they started playing Mario, that was probably enough time to psych yourself up.
Ray reached for the remote to turn the TV off, the game's soundtrack would probably just make him giggle if he randomly tuned into it in the middle of... this.
The two of them shifted a bit. Both of them were kinda leaning shoulder-to-shoulder on their asses earlier, but now they moved to face each other; still sitting, but with knees on the floor and their hands in the carpet keeping steady. Now that they were properly looking at each other, Ray felt like he was back to where he was two years ago, except without his glasses and his hair a bit longer. The two had stared just like this the first time too, like a game of chicken. Unsure who was meant to lean in first.
"You really need to practice this badly?" Ray tried to joke around his nerves. He also wanted to give Gerard an out, maybe he'd change his mind after getting a proper look at Ray.
"Yes," Gerard scooched himself closer, answering a lot quicker than Ray expected. They were a few inches away from each other at this point, with Ray now hoping he at least smelled decent enough for Gerard. For Gerard... Ray had to beat the message into his head again that the guy who doesn't shower after shows probably doesn't give a shit what Ray smells like.
He caught Gerard's eyes dart to his lips, the sight making Ray's face steam. Like some kind of stage-fright being studied like that by his friend. Ray just had to lean in, Gerard was clearly ready for it. His breathing was way more leveled than Ray's right now. All Ray had to do was the opposite of what he did last time. Be confident, look where he was going, and just kiss Gerard. Just kiss Gerard. Just kiss Gerard!
Ray couldn't help it, he shut his eyes and cartoonishly puckered his lips, shooting forward and giving Gerard a sharp peck that smacked directly into his teeth before reeling backward.
"Agh!" Gerard recoiled, slamming his hand over his face, "What was that?!"
"I dunno!" Ray's shoulders tightened, pulling his knees to his chest and hiding his face in his hands. That wasn't a kiss, he essentially bulldozed Gee's face with his mouth. Ray's head was steaming hot, he couldn't bear to look at Gerard again.
"Fuck, okay..." Gerard's voice came out slightly nasally as Ray heard him rubbing his nose. Ray groaned to himself. His own nose must have collided with Gerard's as well, though he couldn't feel his own pain over the panicky adrenaline. He couldn't believe he just bruised the face of the band over something so stupid. So fucking stupid-
"Try again?"
Try again? Ray was still reeling from his jerked attempt at a kiss and Gerard wanted to try again? Ray peeked through his fingers to see if he was joking. Gerard was beginning to adjust himself back into postion while trying to get a peak at Ray's face. His expression seemed to be curious for Ray's reply, maybe even regard for his smashed face. Ray tried to pull himself out of his balled state to say something assuring.
"I'm sorry, I just got nervous. I haven't- we haven't..." Ray's words came out jumbled and half-baked as his arms waved vaguely.
"Ray, it's fine, I promise," Gerard put a hand on Ray's knee, pulling it back down to where it was a minute ago. His voice was steady as he found Ray's eyes again, "I'm nervous too."
Ray didn't think his bandmate looked nervous, maybe more concerned. But he definitely didn't look spooked, Gerard's arms moved slowly to bring Ray back and face him. Briefly brushing Ray's shoulders and knees until they were both back to where they were before. He could probably feel Ray shaking.
"I'm sorry," Ray took a breath, "I can do it. I wanna help." That really was all he wanted. If Gerard needed him, he wanted to be there.
Ray watch Gerard look down, feeling his thumb begin to rub circles into Ray's knee, "You don't have to look, if that helps."
Ray swallowed, he was probably getting in his own head again. Nothing about Gerard really scared him, Ray just didn't want to weird him out with a horrible kiss or somehow trick him into thinking his standards for quality should be on par with Ray's performance. Ray closed his eyes, forcing himself to relax so his face didn't scrunch up again.
"I can lead," Gerard's voice was becoming softer, "I'm... just a girl you met after a show. And it's really dark..."
Ray's shoulders loosened a bit at at that, he had forgotten that this was what he was supposed to be doing. That this is just girl-kissing, and... he was at some bar that couldn't bother to get any decent lighting. Yeah, that's all this was.
He could feel... the girl's breath, warm against his chin as she got closer. It smelled like lingering cigarettes and a bit of the tortilla chips she definitely hadn't shared with Ray about an hour ago. Her nose touched the tip of his, both of them softly flinching at the initial contact. Ray still couldn't bring himself to open his mouth for her, but he let himself relax into this new, warm feeling as her knees pressed against his own. He heard her take a soft breath, soon after closing the space before either of them could begin to regret it.
She pressed her lips onto Ray's, holding them steady and making no sudden moves as if she didn't want to cause a panic. Ray was tensing again, trying to breathe and keep himself stable. He tried to avoid thinking about where he was, letting his imagination take over. Maybe he had caught this girl eyeing him at the end of every song the band had played, he probably had a beer or two at that point. Maybe she searched for him at the end of the set, that he broke away from the guys just so he'd get followed to the corner of the bar and meet her there. He thought about the girl probably sensing how warm his face was now that she was pressing against him like this, she felt so confident holding him here. His hands twitched as the desire to hold her began to rise. He wondered how many show's she had seen, how long she was thinking about coming up to him like this...
Too quickly, it was over. The girl pulled away and Ray leaned to follow. Their lips parted, but she stayed close, her nose still brushing against Ray's.
"You okay?" barely a whisper, she didn't want to use her voice.
"Yeah, s'good..." Ray nodded, eyes still closed. If he opened them, somehow that would ruin everything. That this new feeling would go away.
"Okay," the girl mumbled again. Ray could feel her begin to press a hand onto his right shoulder, "I'm gonna go a little harder. That okay?"
Ray could feel his heart beat like a crazy drum set. Frenching. Right. They were practicing french kissing.
He gave her a curt nod, feeling the fingers gripping his shirt gently tightening. Ray was being gently tugged by his collar, making his chest do a somersault. He could feel his muscles tense again, but he allowed his jaw to loosen and his lips to part for her. The girl grabbed Ray's upper lip with her own and kissed him deeply, pressing herself closer to him. Ray put his hands on her knees, making sure he wasn't drifting away from her. He returned the kiss this time, pressing into the girl's bottom lip so she knew he was there. She reciprocated, beginng to push deeper into him, but moving painfully slow.
Ray then felt a warm, slick presence as she quickly darted a tongue into his mouth, licking against the lip she had just kissed. It made Ray gasp, dizzy with excitement at the new, strange prescence. His breathing grew deeper as he suddenly wanted more of the feeling. His hands reached shakily forward and barely gripped the lower part of the girl's shirt, silently begging her to come even closer as he let his tongue try to find hers. There was a small anxiety in Ray's mind telling him that he was going to gross her out with that, but when they met the girl let out a soft whine and her hands traced Ray's skin higher. Her fingers creeped onto Ray's neck, touching the roots of his hair and circling the sweat beginning to form.
The rhythm was really uneven, Ray was leaning down awkwardly to meet her already slouched height and she couldn't seem to decide if she wanted to be above or below him as they adjusted. Ray brought a hand up to grasp the side of her head to steady her, his fingers meeting short, greasy hair. The girl leaned into the touch, pulling Ray in tighter as he tangled his fingers in her hair.
Their mouths would release for breaths only to return together again, their movements growing in speed. Ray shifted his other hand to the girl's lower back, balancing her as she began to raise herself above Ray. Still on her knees, she held Ray's jaw tightly against hers as she swirled her tongue into his mouth. The new angle meant Ray could only take it now, his neck arching back trying to follow her pace as best he could as his nails dug deeper into her skin. He could feel his body buzzing and his eyes rolling backward as she stuck her tongue in as far as she could, catching a bit of the roof of Ray's mouth. Ray let out a choked moan at the sensation, his fingers tracing up the girl's back to try and somehow pull her into him.
Suddenly, it was like Ray was holding air. He froze, the girl's presence missing as he heard her pull back, a bit of her spit still lingering on Ray's lips. She sounded farther than his arm's length, but her breathing was still there.
Ray opened his eyes hesitantly. Gerard now sat about a foot away from him, his own eyes wide and distraught, a few of his fingers grazing his mouth.
"That might've been... too much," he winced.
Ray could feel his legs ache as he realized he was still fully kneeling, his hands hovering slightly, wanting to hold something. He dreaded to look down, his pants were already beginning to subtley tighten. Ray's hands swung over them, moving his crotch away from sight and hoping he was subtle enough to not scare Gerard.
They both sat frozen for a moment, like they were afraid the other would see them if they moved. Like they were only now realizing they had been fully making out with each other and not the fake person they imagined in their heads. Ray couldn't even imagine how horrible Gerard must feel, how badly Ray fucked this up for him to pull away like that.
Ray ran his hands through his own hair, facing the TV again instead of Gerard, "I'm sorry-"
"No-no, I'm sorry" Gerard shot back.
"You're not- I'm..." Ray held the bridge of his nose. He made that stupid sound and ruined it, made it all about him and not Gerard, "That wasn't what you wanted, so I'm sorry."
"Ray, no- I thought..." Gerard leaned his head, like he was trying to catch Ray's gaze again, "I thought I was gonna freak you out."
"What?"
"I stopped cause I was getting carried away, it's stupid" Gerard pressed his hand on his forehead, practically muttering to himself, "It's stupid, stupid."
"It's not," Ray turned to give Gerard a brief look, he didn't want to argue with him, but it was hard to back up his reasoning. How was Ray supposed to say he liked it. He really liked it. That he was the one who didn't care that it was too much, but that it felt selfish to ask for more. Because what would that make him? Could they even do this again? Could Ray seriously only feel this way if he turned his brain off to roleplay a rock star who kisses random bar chicks after shows? It all suddenly felt so pathetic.
They both stared at each other's shoes, the air getting heavier with each passing second. Everything just felt so big. Ray couldn't tell if these feelings would be fleeting, or if he never thought about Gerard like that because he simply didn't think that was an option. It was scary, but maybe Ray did like him. At least in this moment. But isn't that selfish too? That Ray couldn't figure out how temporary this feeling could be? That maybe Ray didn't need to make up a story to kiss him, that a part of him looked forward to it? But of course, the possibility only occurs to Ray after they've kissed. After things are awkward and before he could even work through his own thoughts. It wasn't fair to Gerard, that Ray couldn't give him a proper explanation. Every word he could think to say just stuck in the middle of his throat as the painful silence dragged on.
"Fuck... Look I'll just go-" Gerard muttered, beginning to push himself off from the floor.
Ray's head shot up at the sound of Gerard shifting, automatically reaching his hand for his bandmate's loose hoodie sleeve, "Wait!"
Gerard froze at the fabric's tug. Ray stared at the sleeve, his lifeline. At this point, he can't fuck this up more than he already has.
"Don't go," Ray pleaded, taking a deep breath, "You didn't freak me out. I'm, uh... more freaked at myself."
They were barely making eye contact, but the pause gave Ray hope. That Gerard was considering his urging. He listened as Gerard slowly sat back down, sitting on the side of his legs and getting that concerned look for Ray again. Ray still held onto the sleeve and Gerard didn't pull away, both leaning against the bedframe to face each other before Ray braced himself to continue.
"It felt... really good," Ray's gaze fell, staring at the hoodie fabric he was now fiddling between his fingers. His stomach felt sick admitting this, that he was crossing some line he was never meant to, "I didn't want you to stop, so... I just don't know what that says about me."
Ray pulled his hand back, looking back up at Gerard to see him tuck a strand of black hair behind his ear. Ray was worried he'd be meeting some kind of pitying expression, or maybe even disgust. Ray's own face probably looked embarrassingly red right now. Instead, Gerard was smiling. Probably coming up with a way to let Ray down easy.
"Uhm, y'know," Gerard grinned, rolling some of his hair between his fingers and keeping his voice low like he was telling Ray a secret, "You holding me, thinking of me as a girl. I liked that a lot. I... don't know what that says about me."
Ray blinked, his head feeling lighter, "Really?" He kept his voice quiet, Gerard's words felt like were breakable somehow. That if Ray said the wrong thing, maybe that would be the moment he truly couldn't mend. Instead, he let his chin rest on his knees to look at Gerard, to listen to the rest of what he had to say. That apparently, he was having his own moment of dawning realization. It was pretty fun imagining him as a girl. Maybe it was dark in his imagination, but Ray's girl probably looked a lot like Gee. Someone with a mat of raven black hair and layers of punkish, dark clothes. He could see Gerard shy away from his gaze after a moment, cheeks growing pinker under his wispy bangs.
"Yeah," Gerard rubbed the side of his face, "I've always wanted to try that. Asking someone to call me a girl during, y'know..."
Ray shivered, wondering if Gerard meant kissing or sex. He looked back down at his shoes, a sheepish grin growing on his face. He felt like a crushing kid again, a warm euphoria rushing through him as Gerard admitted this. That maybe things didn't go as wrong as his brain made it out to. Gerard had liked it, maybe as much as Ray did. But there was still that lingering thought: the longevity of their feelings. Ray still wondered how much of this was a fluke, the right place and right time. That maybe they'll never be another moment like this, or that their earlier beers still gave them some artificial boldness they'd never recreate again. He still wasn't a hundred percent sure if he liked Gerard or the hard-to-see girl version he imagined in his head. At the same time, Gerard could possibly even return those feelings. Maybe he's had them longer than Ray thought. Though, this would certainly be a weird way to go about it. Ray stretched his legs, loosening himself up. It seemed they were speaking honestly now as the feeling of being rejected was slowly fading away.
"It's just... confusing," Ray rubbed his neck, thankful his words were no longer choking him into silence, "I just didn't know if I was like, acting like myself. Y'know? Do I like this cause we're faking it, or is there... something?"
"You worried about being a fag?" Gerard leaned his head on his knuckles, half-joking.
Ray chuckled, "No, I think I could handle that. Maybe. I guess I wanna figure that out. Be a little real about it." Ray rubbed his hands together, they were clammy from anxiety, "But it's a bit of a joke, isn't it?"
"Huh?"
"Gee, you either don't have a date and you tricked me," Ray crossed his arms, whipping his head back toward his friend, "Or you do and you're being a sleaze."
"Oh! Well, I do, uh..." Gerard held his neck, "But honestly, I think I should cancel."
"You think I did that bad?"
"Ray, oh my god- no," Gerard slid himself over to Ray, smacking his shoulder into his, "I'm saying you're really good."
Ray swallowed, he was glad Gerard was next to him again, but the compliment felt like the 'something' Ray mentioned before. Ray's breath suddenly wavered a bit, Gerard certainly picking up on it with how close he was now. Ray didn't pull away, he just watched his friend's mouth shift into a grin.
"And..." Gerard glanced down at Ray's lips, softly tapping his knee against Ray's before looking back up again, "I'd wanna do it again."
A brief laugh escaped Ray, certainly not at Gerard and more in disbelief. He knew they were making their little confessionals right now, but he still felt like a rug was gonna get pulled from under him any second. That it was still all in his head and maybe Gerard was just humoring him. He glanced at Gerard's face, his tiny teeth still poking out of a crooked smirk. One of his olive eyes squinted from how hard he was half-smiling. He could've let things lie, let things go back to how they were after they both said their apologies. Gerard was actually trying to change things between them. At this point, Ray couldn't think of a reason why he would lie. He wasn't the type of person to play a trick just to take the shit out of someone anyway. If Gee said he really wanted to do it again, then that had to be real. Gerard really wanted to just... kiss Ray. No stipulations, no pretending. Just accepting they both see something in each other. Ray really wanted to kiss him again too.
"Dude, I can't look at you," Ray gave Gerard a light push, laughing harder when Gerard leaned back in to bat his eyes.
"Wha-at?" Gerard whined in a sing-song voice. He leaned his head into Ray's shoulder as they pushed each other around.
"Oh my god, just-" Ray pressed Gerard against the bedframe to keep him still, a plan beginning to form in his mind, "Okay, just close your eyes."
"Yeah?" Gerard raised an eyebrow.
"Will you shut 'em already?" Ray pleaded. He had to keep riding this happy feeling before his anxiety took over again and told him this was a stupid idea. It was his turn to lead anyway.
Gerard finally closed his eyes, a smile still wide on his face. Ray moved quietly, though he doubted he would surprise his bandmate. He could probably hear Ray's body shifting, maybe even him nervously licking his lips. However, when Ray's hand reached for his cheek, Gerard's breath caught. Ray rubbed a thumb on Gerard's cheekbone, pulling himself closer. Gerard offered no resistance as Ray kissed the corner of his mouth intimately, a last preparation for leaning fully into Gerard's lips.
Ray heard Gerard hum into his mouth, allowing Ray to give him a deep kiss before pressing his own hands onto Ray's jaw. Gerard pulled him closer, moving his fingers steadily upward into Ray's hair, twisting them into his curls. Ray could tell he was being greedier this time as he began to suck on Ray's bottom lip, his teeth taking a few soft nips as if Ray would pull away at any moment. Ray had put his hands back where they were earlier, but now he leaned harder into Gerard. His hand still on Gerard's lower back, he slowly tilted Gee backward. Ray's nerves were still racked, but it was a different kind of feeling than before. Instead of giving Gerard a "proper" kiss for practicing purposes, Ray was now focused on Gerard's pleasure. He thought back to what Gerard had initiated with him and began to shift the hand that held Gerard's face. He moved his thumb to Gerard's chin, pulling his jaw slightly open to slip his tongue unevenly into Gerard's mouth like he had done to Ray before. To Ray's satisfaction, Gerard fully moaned to this, the sloppiness seeming to excite him. He was twisting his tongue with Ray's, his hands finding Ray's shirt collar and pulling tightly.
They barely paused for breath as their kisses grew deeper and more rapid. They were closer than they had ever been and Ray still wanted more. Still wanted to wrap himself around Gerard in every way. His hand widened to hold Gerard's entire cheek and his other hand twisted further around Gerard's torso. The whole time, Ray involuntarily leaned him backward until Gerard shot one of his hands out to grab the side of the wooden frame to stop himself from falling.
"Can we..." Gerard breathed, kissing Ray again, "The bed..."
Ray immediately obliged, holding onto Gerard's hip and lifting them both as he stood. They both tilted their heads at Ray's new height, their bodies used to sitting for so long they wobbled together with Gerard leaning slightly backward. They broke away briefly and Gerard's hands clung to Ray's neck, balancing himself.
Quickly, Ray turned them both and leaned Gerard onto the strewn blankets of the mattress, both of them falling into its cushions. Ray's entire body buzzed as he crawled closer to Gerard, who reached impatiently for Ray's face and pulled him into another kiss. Thing were progressing much faster than Ray could have guessed, and yet it all felt so natural. To be held by Gerard this way was such a comfort, like being put right where he belonged. Ray let his left hand cradle Gerard's head so his right could explore his torso. Gerard moved in tandem to the touch as Ray traced downward from shoulder to hip, his hand resting on Gerard's waist as it arched toward Ray.
He was still hovering over Gerard, but gravity was beginning to pull him down as their kisses grew deeper again. Gerard was not helping as one of his hands had moved to Ray's back, steadily tugging at him. As Ray let his hips rest against Gerard's, his heart nearly beat out his chest at the new, solid presence between the two of them. He resisted the urge to pull away to not scare Gerard, but he was starting to believe that this was exactly what Gee wanted. The muscles in Ray that were holding him up grew sore and he began to sink into Gerard, their buldges finally touching and both of them whining into each other's mouths at the minute contact.
"That okay...?" Ray mumbled against Gerard's lips. He knew it probably was, he didn't think he'd get this far if it wasn't. But there was still that thought in his head, that Gerard didn't want to touch him that way, that it was just Ray who wanted to feel him.
"Fuck, need more," Gerard shut down Ray's doubts. He was rubbing his hand on Ray's lower back, urging him to move his hips to get some kind of friction.
Acting quickly on the demand, Ray began moving his body to a steady rhythm. Even with the layers of fabric between them, they both began to mutter obscenities. Ray tried not to smile too hard, pulling from one of Gerard's kisses to move his mouth to his neck. He wanted to touch more of Gerard then, letting his mouth suck on a piece of skin under his ear. Gerard hummed at the touch, turning his head to allow Ray a clear path. As Ray moved lower, his teeth sunk further into Gerard's skin. He left slick, red marks down to Gerard's collarbone as he heard him begin to mumble something, a high moan vibrating in his throat as the flesh around it pinched.
There was a tug on the back of Ray's hair as he got pulled back into Gerard's face, landing into kisses again. Gerard's tongue reached further into Ray's mouth as his hand wrapped around Ray's skull. There was a certain kind of pleasure Ray was finding in being tugged around like this. It made his heart skip a beat as he'd be quickly led into something more passionate. If there was any pain, his brain was barely registering it. The only thing he could think about was how much closer Gerard's mouth was again, Ray now catching the words he was mumbling. It was the same thing, over and over...
"Lemme be your girl," Gerard's grip suddenly loosened, his eyes catching Ray's. They were intense and pleading. Ray's expression furrowed as he pushed some of Gerard's hair from his face, searching his gaze for their meaning.
"That wasn't a trick..." Gerard panted, a hand pressing warmly into Ray's cheek, "Please. Please, please..."
Ray brushed his thumb near Gerard's eyes, staring at black eyelashes hiding hazel irises. Every detail of Gerard's face was visible, every inflection and purpose. There was no joke in this, just a secret Gerard had finally given to Ray.
"My girl..." Ray spoke softly. The words felt unfamiliar, but soothing. He watched Gerard's expression lift, Ray suddenly wishing he could capture the effect of two simple words forever. He leaned closer to kiss her forehead, as if to tell her yes.
Gerard let out a held breath as she brought Ray's gaze down to meet her's again, just for him to see her smile. Her lips met Ray's, her arms wrapping around his body while he cradled hers. There was something different in the way Gerard held Ray now, he had no idea how much this could mean to a person. Gerard's elation made her move faster as her touching turned to something more sensual. Her nails dug into Ray's neck and back and her body arched into him as her kisses returned to their initial intensity. Ray let his arms move again, his right searching for the bottom hem of her shirt. He rose his body just a few inches higher to move his hand under the fabric, feeling her soft shape peaking over the belt of her jeans. Ray traced his fingers up again, hearing Gerard's breath shudder at the sensation, and eventually resting them on her chest. Ray wanted to touch her like he had touched other girls before, his index and middle finger finding her nipple and massaging it between his two fingers. Gerard broke the kiss to groan into Ray's mouth, slurring words together that Ray could barely make out. He stretched his fingers to squeeze her tit, finding just enough of her to grab as her mouth gaped at the touch. He pressed a thumb in to circle her nipple in a slow, but steady pattern, making Gerard rub her face against Ray's
Gerard whined again, "Fuck- fuck, please Ray I wanna-" Her hands searched desperately for openings in Ray's clothes, her fingers reaching down to the end of his shirt and teasing his boxers, "Wanna touch you..."
Ray heard banging in his ears as his breath wavered. He guessed Gerard didn't mean going back to fabric-bound humping, but there really was no going back if they took this further. Things between them might be irreparable afterwards, for better or worse. It was all Ray could think about, but more than anything, he wanted to do whatever Gerard asked for.
"Wanna hear you again..." Her hand moved to tug on Ray's pant button, not undoing it just yet. Just waiting for Ray's reply as she circled it.
Ray's nerves riled up again at the request, the sound he made that he thought ruined everything. That's what she was after? He didn't even know if he could do it again. But Gerard was looking at him with pleading eyes, and all he could think about was her hand taking advantage of where it now rested.
"I'll make any sound you want, I wanna..." Ray pressed his forehead to hers, trying not to lose himself, "I want to see what you feel like."
With a tiny click, Ray's pants were undone and Gerard's cool hand slipped in. Ray was moaning before her fingers even reached under his dick, it felt like he had waited an eternity for something to touch him after resisting a long temptation. She hadn't even moved her hand much yet, almost as if she was holding Ray just to feel him get harder. The sensation made him shiver, something that seemed to draw Gerard closer as she buried her nose into his collarbone. Ray couldn't help but gasp, she was feeling up his size and rubbing her fingers steadily to bring him to full length. The way she traced her lips from Ray's shoulder to neck was hypnotic, he was at her complete whim and leaning deeper into the touches. He whined as he could feel her sharp teeth sink deep into his skin, like she was holding him in place while he listened to her begin to fiddle with her own belt buckle.
"Right in my ear, honey," Gerard murmured to Ray, licking the pulsing wound she left on his neck.
Ray had moved onto his elbows above her, trying to think clearly enough to position his head near her ear. He couldn't see what she was doing with her hands, but he could hear an unzipping sound and soon after, a warm sensation against his cock. Ray thought he could die right now, he'd never felt another person's dick before and he could barely register how new it was or if he even disliked it. He already wanted to start moving against it, everything in his body screaming at him to get on with it. Instead, he let Gerard wrap one hand around both of their dicks as the other moved to hold onto Ray's hip. She traced a thumb over Ray's tip, gathering both their precum and slicking it against her fingers. Ray's breathing grew deeper at the contact, Gerard mumbling "c'mon's" as she began jerking them both off.
Ray closed his eyes again, his head was going fuzzy with only the sound of Gerard spitting into her hand slipping through the noise. He could feel her reach down again, the new lubrication sending waves of pleasure up into his body. They were both fully hard against each other and Ray could feel every inch of it. He hung his head against Gerard's, unable to hide the sounds he was making from her.
"Just like that..." Gerard's head was falling backward, her breathing beginning to match Ray's.
Ray felt like he could go limp at any moment, wrapping his arm under Gerard's back to keep himself up. His fingers under her shoulder tensed, he still needed more. His body rocked into her hand, the new friction making Gerard moan and her wrist move faster. Ray let his mouth fall open, his lips grazing her ear with each thrust and his sounds getting louder. He grabbed a fistful of Gerard's hair, rolling her head completely against the mattress. Her mouth was agape and her voice became identical to Ray's. He wanted to hear her as much as she wanted to listen to him.
"I'm gonna-" Ray could barely form the words before he felt his body tense. Gerard was pulling him into another kiss before he could move to stop the mess he was about to make on her. She licked the entirety of his mouth, his lips first then pushed her tongue inward until Ray nearly choked, barely reciprocating the action. His body jerked above hers as he finished on her chest, a small sense of shame creeping into Ray's mind. He was just beginning to lean away from her when she grabbed to back of his hair, pulling him back over her again.
"Wait," Gerard fingered his curls, tugging them more gently to turn Ray's gaze toward their crotches.
Ray had to cock his head awkwardly to see, getting an near-upside-down view of both their dicks. He realized he hadn't seen either of them until just now, his vision adjusting to see Gerard still jerking herself off. Now with some of Ray's cum slicked along her dick.
Ray tried to remember how to breathe as he felt Gerard remove her free hand from his head, drifitng it to her chest to trace a finger into the remaining stain still on her shirt. He couldn't turn properly to follow the hand, but he listened to her bring the finger to her mouth, lazily opening her lips and licking it as close as she could to Ray's ear. Ray shivered again.
"Want you..." Gerard's grip tightened on her cock and her legs shifted, "To see-"
Ray's gaze fixated on Gerard's movements as her hips arched into her hand. She hadn't slowed her pace, but it seemed like she was trying to hold out until this moment just to show herself off. Gerard let out a deep exhale as a string cum finally spewed onto her shirt atop of Ray's own mess. Ray watched every second of it, hardly believing his actions could have contributed to such a display. He wondered if she had watched him finish with such intensity as well.
She leaned backward against the mattress to catch her breath, with Ray laying on his side to follow her. He traced his nose along her cheek, pressing a long kiss on her sweaty skin. Gerard tilted toward him, eyes closed but smiling contently as they both began to relax again.
"Holy shit," Ray pulled away to catch his own breath, laying on his back to stare at the ceiling. He couldn't believe where he was right now. How this could have gone so badly, and yet he layed here with his friend, a warm glow around the both of them.
"That..." Gerard stared with him, "Was really fucking hot."
"Oh my god, you're joking," Ray couldn't help but refute. That couldn't have been everything Gerard was imagining, Ray finished way too fucking quick.
"Hell no, man! You kidding?" Gerard gave Ray a wide grin, "No date this week for sure, I only got eyes for you now."
That was definitely a joke, but Ray still felt his face flush. They both breathed together, trying to find a steady pace. Ray just wanted to hold Gerard's hand now, he'd done it plenty of times before but it felt like too much right now. He wasn't sure what they were now, but that felt like strictly a couple-thing. He let the backside of his hand rest against Gerard's instead, grateful to feel no flinch away from Ray's touch.
"What do we even do now," Ray's stomach sank. He didn't even think about how this would affect his and Gerard's future. What this would do to their friend group dynamics. What it'd do to the band's career!
"Live the cliché," Gerard shrugged, as if reading Ray's mind, "The frontman fucks the lead guitarist and the rest of the band lives with it."
"Or dies trying," Ray rubbed the bridge of his nose. If it was gonna be this satisfying every time, maybe it was too good to lose, "You were great, I dunno about me..."
"Don't sell yourself short, Toro," Gerard pushed a finger against Ray's hand, "You're a ladykiller."
Ray smiled, turning his head to Gerard, "Yes ma'am."
Gerard's smile faltered a bit at that. The room grew scarily quiet as the words hung heavy over the two of them. With Gerard still staring at the ceiling, Ray's anxiety began to return.
"Was that too on the nose?" He quickly sat up in the bed, not wanting to miss Gerard's expression in case his bandmate's words hid something from him.
"No, you're good."
Ray deflated slightly, "...Are you good?"
"Yeah. Yeah, it's just weird," Gerard's fingers fiddled with the bedsheet, "S'different..."
"I can stop if it's, like... too weird?" Ray offered.
Gerard smirked, letting out a light scoff. Ray's bandmate mouth opened and closed, the words trying to come out. Ray wished he could offer comfort, but this felt way out of his depth. He hadn't even seriously considered Gerard wanting this until today, more specifically half an hour ago. He wouldn't even know where to begin. He just tried to find Gerard's eyes again, to let Gee know he wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't going to turn away like their first kiss, and Gerard seemed to understand. Ray's friend smiled again, awkward and twitch trying to find a voice again.
"Y'know I... Uhm, in college," Gerard's hands twisted into themselves, "I pretended to be a girl a lot."
Ray searched his memory, he vaguely knew about this. Mikey might have mentioned it once before as an anecdote or something. Another one of Gerard's little quirks Ray had figured. Though, it might have been something more if Gerard had spent days doing it. Maybe even weeks if Ray recalled correctly.
"Are you..." Ray thought about the best way to word this, "Do you still want me to call you a girl?"
Gerard turned away, staring at the wall, "Uhm, maybe? Yes? I don't know..."
Ray started at Gerard for a moment, his bandmate refusing to move. Ray settled himself back into the laying position his was in, looking back to the ceiling. It was all still really confusing. If anything, he had more questions about himself than he did before. The roleplay earlier didn't seem to clear up any of Ray's feelings, if he was definitely straight or somehow secretly gay. Gerard didn't even look like a boy or girl to him anymore. Just Gerard. Someone he knew he loved, but maybe now in a different way.
Ray let his hand brush against the back of Gerard's again, his fingers sliding against his bandmate's. After a breath, he laced his fingers into Gerard's hand, rubbing his thumb against them. Gerard returned the gesture, squeezing Ray's hand and finally turning to look at him. Ray stared for a moment, seeing if he could memorize Gee's features better now. He wanted something else to imagine tonight that wasn't their awkward first kiss years ago. With his free hand, Ray pushed a bit of hair behind her ear.
"You're really pretty," he whispered to her.
Gerard's cheeks grew pink at Ray's words. She grinned and buried her face into his hand, trying to hide her snickering. The grip on Ray's hand grew tighter and he rubbed his thumb on her temple.
They both jumped out of their skin when a loud banging reaped at the bedroom's shut door.
"Yo!" Frank's familiar high-off-his-ass voice cut through, "You guys fucking fighting in there?"
"Oh my god-" Ray shot up, quickly scanning the state he was in. He frantically tucked his dick back into his boxers and fought to assemble his pants back together again.
Gerard just groaned, "Yeah and we made up, so fuck off!" She laid back and rested her hands behind her head, making no moves to hide her crotch.
"Jesus, whatever," Ray heard Frank mumble through the door. He thanked God it sounded like he was walking away, Ray completely forgot if he locked the door or not and was not ready to test it. He looked back at Gerard, looking completely ridiculous with a flacid dick laying over a cum-stained iron maiden t-shirt. Ray couldn't help but grin at the sight, making Gerard burst into a giggle-fit.
"C'mon," Ray jumped off the bed and headed toward his closet, "Lemme get you a clean shirt."