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Being perfect was so exhausting. Always put together. Hair always groomed, never a strand out of place. Uniform tidy. Smiling until my face hurts. Good grades. Friends with everyone. Always listening, never speaking out of turn. Always polite. Always doing what is expected of me.
Being this way has made me observant.
And so I noticed him. It was when he brought the missing optopus back to the biology lab.
Curly, lighter coloured hair. Round, kind eyes. Long lashes. We look alike if I'm being honest with myself. His attire wasn't tidy. But he wasn't dirty either. Care-free smile on his face. He must be free. I want to have that too.
I joined the committee to spend more time with him. He’s sensitive. He is always worried about those around him. But I knew that from the way he held the octopus. He spoke to me first, smiling politely.
We have so much in common, and yet so little.
If I’m around him enough, maybe I’ll become like him. If I’m with him all the time, I can see what makes him the way he is, and I can copy that and be just like him. I’ll be free too.
I made my move on Valentine's Day. I gave him the chocolates I had made the day before.
“Hirose-kun, I like you. Please go out with me!”
“Sakamoto-chan?!” He nearly dropped the box. “I… I'm happy. Let's date.”
My chest felt tighter; I could just explode.
“Then let's walk home together from now on.”
He blinked. “O-Okay.”
“And could we maybe spend time together on the weekends?”
His cheeks reddened, and he glanced away from me, his hand reaching up to rub his nape.
“Y-Yeah.”
“Is it ok if we refer to each other by our first names then?”
His ears turned red.
"S-Sure."
"Then you can call me Hana."
"Hana-chan—"
I laughed.
"And you can call me Aiki."
"...Aiki-kun."
That was the first time I saw Aiki-kun embarrassed. It was endearing.
At the time, I thought his hesitation meant he was nervous.
Now I wonder if he was simply trying to catch up to a conversation that had already moved too quickly.
Hirose-kun and I spend a lot of time together, though I'm the one to initiate most of the time. And he tends to smile a lot. His smile looks like mine most of the time, though.
“Hey, do you wanna see a movie at xxxx theater this weekend?”
“Yes! I’d enjoy that very much! I also know a cool cafe near there. The gang and I went while studying for exams.”
We spend time at cafes after school and on the weekends. It's a bit weird that he puts hot chocolate in his coffee, but everyone has their preferences, different strokes.
We went to an aquarium in Chinatown, and he brought me to the garden eels and some crustaceans. What stood out was that he had smiled fondly at an octopus in the tank.
“You must really like octopuses, Aiki-kun!”
“I do like them, but my friend of mine’s the one who loves them.”
This is the happiest I’ve seen Aiki-kun. Perhaps this is the only time I've seen him actually happy.
I reached out and held his hand. I wanted him to associate the happiness he felt with me. I wanted him to look at me the way he looked at the octopus. The way he spoke about his friend. I wanted to become part of whatever made him smile.
Aiki laughed at my jokes, but after a while, his eyes kind of dimmed. It's as if he’s never truly present. He’d stare out the window, or he would mindlessly scroll through his phone whenever things got quiet. For someone always on his phone, he usually takes a while to reply to my messages. So I usually took the opportunity to pop by his classroom to watch him.
He was always with his friends. Always watching them before speaking. I think I might be causing him trouble. His shorter friend, Takeuchi-san, always teases him about our relationship. Rather loudly, too. It was strange, then sort of endearing, then it got annoying. I ended up not acknowledging him.
I texted Aiki-kun multiple times daily; small things, but I was always the first to reach out. His replies are always short and always so polite, but I could tell he was walking on eggshells. He wasn't truly happy. I can understand him pretending; however, I can't seem to understand why.
Once, I saw him smiling at a pink pen. Upon closer inspection, I noticed it had a tiny octopus! I reached out to touch it, Aiki-kun recoiled, and I was a little taken aback. Seeing that I was startled, Aiki-kun softened his posture and handed me the pen to observe. A silent apology. “This is my little octo-buddy. It was a gift from a friend of mine.”
Aiki and I walked home every day, and we are both on the committee, so we leave around the same time more often than not. On this particular day, I was running a bit behind, so I jogged lightly so as not to keep Aiki waiting too long. Carelessly, I bumped into a dark-haired boy by the shoe lockers, and I heard something fall on the floor.
Stooping to pick up the item, I realized it was an octo-friend pen. Apologizing, I made small talk with the boy. “This is cute.” The boy stared at me awkwardly, then reached out to take it back from me.
“T-Thanks.” His voice came out a bit choppy.
“Hey.” I heard Aiki’s voice call out from behind me.
As I rushed over to him. “Aiki-kun! Were you waiting long?”
“Nah.”
“Later, Nakamura.” he said to the boy.
Aiki held my hand, and we turned to leave.
“Is that your friend?”
“Yup.”
“He has an octopus pen like yours.”
“Yes.” He hummed, a soft smile gracing his lips, “He's the one who gave it to me.”
“So he’s the friend that likes octopuses, right?”
“Yup, He’s the one.”
The walk home was silent, but my thoughts were loud.
Those pens were a pair. Anyone could see that.
Aiki-kun smiled at the octopuses. He smiled when he talked about his friend. He smiled when his friend was mentioned.
Never at me.
He walked me home every day, not because he wanted to but because I asked him to.
He held my hand because I reached for his first.
I spent weeks trying to earn a genuine smile from him, and he smiled at Nakamura without even realizing he had done it.
For the first time, Aiki-kun looked completely present.
He looked happy to be there.
He had never looked happy beside me.
And I finally understood that I wasn't losing him.
He had never belonged to me in the first place.
I walked into Aiki-kun's classroom one last time. I asked him to accompany me as I took out my class’s bags of rubbish.
The afternoon sun stretched our shadows across the pavement. Usually, I was the one filling the silence, but today neither of us spoke.
"Aiki-kun." I placed the black bags in their area.
"Hm?"
"I think we should break up."
He turned to look at me, his eyes wide.
"...Did I do something wrong?"
I looked at my shoes.
"No, I just think you're boring."
The words tasted awful.
"Boring?"
"You never tell me what you're thinking. You don't say what you want to do. I choose where we go, what we eat, and when we meet. I text first. I talk first. I always initiate."
He stared at the ground.
The wind moved through the trees above us.
"Aiki-kun, when you're happy, you're really easy to read."
He blinked.
"When you talk about octopuses, your whole face changes. Or when you talk about your friend, you smile without realizing it. But when you're with me, you always look like you're trying to answer a difficult question."
He looked frightened then. "I didn't mean to—"
"I know."
And I did.
"I think whoever you date next deserves to know what you're feeling."
He lowered his eyes.
"I really did like you."
I smiled.
"I know. Just not enough.”
After a long silence, I called out, "Aiki-kun."
"Y-Yeah?"
"Don't make the next person work so hard to see you."
His eyes widened slightly. Then he simply nodded.
"...Okay."
"See you." I waved as I walked off to take the long path back to class.
He ran in front of me to block my path.
Aiki looked down at me and smiled.
It wasn't the polite smile.
It wasn't the smile he wore for everyone.
It was small and genuine.
"Thank you."
My eyes started to well up. I saw Aiki look behind me, and I glanced only to see his friend Nakamura.
I turned to hide my watery eyes.
After a few seconds, I wiped my tears on my sleeve to smile back, “Now, go! ”
I watched Aiki run toward Nakamura.
The same soft smile had returned to his face.
I laughed quietly to myself and looked up at the blue sky.
For the first time in forever, I felt free.
"You're right," I whispered.
He was the one.
"Go for it, Aiki-kun."