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“I’m home~”
He made it back just before dinner. Heterohitokirimaru skipped along the stone pavement in a good mood. He hopped over cans of soda and other microplastic litter left in the nature. In his hand, was his haul of BL doujin and danmei for the week. With the exception of the Saniwa and Konnosuke, the internet was banned in Sausage-Jo, but that ban meant Heterohitokirimaru couldn’t read yaoi. Soy Sausage, kind as ever, had mercy on the lost lamb and entrusted him a special weekly allowance for BL.
The lucky charm of the citadel felt like he got an especially good haul this time. He felt his spiritual powers of warding off heterosexuality grow just by carrying this bag in his hand.
He walked past Soy and Ishikirimaru who sat on the veranda. They didn’t welcome him back, which wasn’t too unexpected. Sometimes they were so engrossed in their conversations that would happen. But something stopped him from going inside.
“Now that I think about it, Soy-san, I suppose I do prefer women with big boobs afterall.”
?!
“see ya see~? you totally get it, Ishikinji. ah, woah, look at this one.”
Aruji and his attendant… were talking about porn together?!
His head did an instant 180.
Gah huh??! Not just talking about it, either! They were reading a porn magazine featuring exclusively women!
What the hell was Aruji doing, making Ishikirimaru say such vulgar things?! Also, since when did either of them swing both ways?
“oh? hetekiri, you’re back?” Soy batted his eyes with a smile and looked at the bag. “looks like you brought some good stuff~? would ya mind sharing with your pals~?”
“A-aruji is talking like a drunk old man…!”
Heterohitokirimaru took a nimble sniff. After confirming no scent of alcohol, he sat down alongside them, feeling a bit awkward.
“Oya? What’s this? There’s two men on the cover.”
Huh? This wasn’t Ishikirimaru’s first time seeing Heterohitokirimaru’s BL, was it?
Heterohitokirimaru turned to Soy, but before he could…
“WHAAGH??!”
He saw his very life flash before his eyes. That plastic bag, containing his BL and danmei, was suddenly thrown up into the air and into the river.
Splash!
“A-Aruji?! What the?!”
“isnt that gross?”
“Huh?!”
“that gay shit,” Soy looked at Heterohitokirimaru dead in eyes. “it’s gross as hell.”
“…”
‘WhatwhatwhatwhatWHAAAAT??’
Heterohitokirimaru could only stare back with equally dead eyes.
“??????????”
He turned to Ishikirimaru, desperate for an answer. But it only worsened when he found Ishikirimaru with a hand over his mouth, and eyes looking up and down Heterohitokirimaru in disgust.
“…….”
“WAHHHHH!!”
Not knowing what options he had, he charged into the main building.
—
“Hetebou?”
He sobs were interrupted when he ran fast first into Tsurumaru’s chest. The worn out floor creaked loudly at the thud of his butt.
“What’s wrong, Hetebou?”
He took Tsurumaru’s hand.
“I don’t even know what’s wrong… Aruji is… Aruji is…” he struggled to verbalize his thoughts. “Aruji’s been replaced!”
“Replaced, huh? Haha, that’s surprising.”
“I’m serious! He’s acting weird!”
“I haven’t noticed anything weird though.”
“What do you— just go outside and look at him!”
But Tsurumaru wouldn’t listen. He just laughed and gave his junior a pat on the back.
“Oh, look! Karabou’s over there. Hetebou, why don’t we give him a surprise?”
He sighed at Tsurumaru’s blatant ignoring of his problems. Hoping this could cheer him up somehow, he reluctantly agreed.
“We’ll jump him at 3, 2…”
“Wah!”
Clearly this tachi-uchigatana double attack needed some rehearsing, because Tsurumaru tripped over Heterohitokirimaru’s legs.
Tsurumaru’s face was mere inches away from Ookurikara’s chest when the dragon suddenly grabbed his arm.
“Oh! Nice catch, Karabo—“
And threw his body against the wall.
Tsurumaru’s body was flung across the honmaru as the sound of several sliding doors crashing onto the floor echoed all throughout the building. The sounds continued for a few minutes before slowly stopping.
“I have no intention of getting along…”
‘A bit late to say to someone you’ve been sleeping with.’
“… with MEN.”
‘Since when was that part of your catchphrase?!’
Ookurikara looked the dumbfound Heterohitokirimaru up and down. With a grumpy “hmph,” he turned away.
Something was… clearly wrong with the citadel. Something happened while he was away, but Heterohitokirimaru couldn’t put his finger on what.
If anyone knew, it’d be the Head of General Affairs. Seeing as it was almost dinner, Heterohitokirimaru wondered if Hasebe might be in the kitchen.
—
The kitchen was blocked off with caution tape. In the center, was a sign.
“NO MEN ALLOWED IN THE KITCHEN.”
“…”
“… Huh?”
But wasn’t everyone a danshi…?
No, more importantly…
He peeked over the caution tape to look inside.
There was no one inside. Which meant no one was preparing dinner for today.
“…”
“Ha… Hasebe-saaaaaan…!”
—
He slammed Hasebe’s office door open. The wall cracked.
“Hm? Heterohitokirimaru?”
He was doing paperwork with Shokudaikiri, both working as though nothing was amiss. They each had cup noodles on the desk beside them.
“Ha- Hasebe-san! Shokudaikiri-san! There’s no dinner today?!”
Hasebe didn’t look up. “It can’t be helped. There’s no one to cook.”
“What are you talking about?!”
Shokudaikiri looked up to Heterohitokirimaru, genuinely puzzled. “I mean, it’s true. Who would make dinner?”
“Shokudaikiri-san and whoever else is on kitchen duty, obviously!”
“Me?” He pointed to himself and laughed sheepishly. “Hetechan, that’s a little…”
“I can’t believe you would ever think of suggesting that.” Hasebe’s scolding sank like venom.
“Men don’t belong in the kitchen.”
“You guys cooked together yesterday, though?”
“That was yesterday. Today we’ve all realized the error of our ways and been reformed. We’re all new men whose job is to go to war.”
Reformed?
“What do you mean reformed? … Did something happen? Where did we learn this?”
“Of course. We learned this from…” Shokudaikiri suddenly blanked. “Hm?”
Hasebe filled in, “It was a direct teaching from the time government. Aruji’s higher ups came and gave a special lecture.”
The time government… Coming to the citadel to specially lecture them about traditional gender roles? Something didn’t add up.
Furthermore, it seems like everyone’s psyche has been tampered with somehow. Like they somehow lost their memories of their homosexual histories.
As if someone… was trying to alter history…?
Detective Heterohitokirimaru snapped his fingers. “I see! It’s too bad I missed that lecture then, huh! Guess I’ll be going off to starve now!”
He slid the door closed, but was too ignorant to realize the duo never smiled or waved back.
‘It must be the kebishi. They’re trying to destroy this honmaru from the inside out…!’
This genius had no doubt in his mind. The honmaru was ambushed.
In truth, he noticed the citadel was a lot more roughed up today, but he initially chalked it up to the fact he was assigned to today’s cleaning today but chose to go out and buy yaoi instead. But it all made sense now. The trash sprawled across the grass and damage to the floorboards was evidence of an ambush.
It could be none other than the HRA.
In that case, the only way to fix this everyone-is-straight-curse was to beat those heterosexual demon kebishi. But there was one fatal problem: Heterohitokirimaru was a wooden sword. He was weak as shit and could not cut for shit. Unlike the regular touken danshi who went to fight in the war, Heterohitokirimaru was uniquely a stay at home danshi.
He trained on his own and helped the toudan spar, but he’d never fought an HRA member even once. And to fight whatever scary super strong kebishi could infect the citadel…
But it was a mission he had to undertake, and one only he could take alone.
Heterohitokirimaru was sitting on the veranda alone when he suddenly heard a voice.
“That’s him.”
“Huh? Hasebe?”
He turned around the find the entire citadel standing behind him with pitchforks.
“Heterohitokirimaru. You’re a homosexual, aren’t you?”
“W-well, that’s…”
Unable to call himself het without viscerally wanting to throw up inside. Heterohitokirimaru was promptly kicked out of the all straight citadel.
—
The gate slammed in Heterohitokirimaru’s face. Soy ordered that he never return, and Hasebe yelled that order again 10 times louder to emphasize the point. Until Heterohitokirimaru could figure out this straightness sickness, he was homeless.
“Forget beating those kebishi, how am I gonna even find them?”
“Huhuhu…”
A familiar voice cut through his mumblings. Someone else was trapped outside the citadel.
“S-Sengo-san?!”
Of course! In an ambush, there may be survivors!
“Exiled for being a homosexual, I see. Huhuhu, serves you right.”
No he was still homophobic apparently.
“Sengo-san, what brings you out here? You’re also locked out?”
“Although I too am heterosexual, a man who strips in front of other men does not fit in very well.”
“So basically they mistook you for being gay, even though you were also affected by the heterosexuality curse.”
“Indeed. I could neither stay nor would the kebishi take me with them, so I’ve been trapped here. I’ll strip.”
“You saw where they went?”
“Yes. You see that smoke?” Sengou pointed to smoke rising past the forest. “That’s their campfire. I’ve been hungry, but naturally there’s no sharing meals with them.”
“Kebishi eat?!”
Heterohitokirimaru retained his composure and cleared his throat. “Sengou-san, why don’t you help me?”
“Hm? You, straight people slicer? That’s not going to help the homosexuality allegations.”
“But it’s bothering you too, right? Afterall, you’re (supposedly) not even gay but everyone thinks you are, and because of that, you can’t eat.”
“So?”
“If we beat the kebishi, they’ll stop thinking that.”
“Ohh, I see what you mean,” he rested his chin on his hand thoughtfully.
“Hm…”
He narrowed his eyes.
“Huhuhu… I’ll have to team up with even the likes of you. That’s fine.”
“…!”
Heterohitokirimaru beamed. “Really?!”
“Yes. I’ll strip.”
With the Muramasa on his team, Heterohitokirimaru finally had a chance against the straight kebishi demons.
And so the two headed into the forest, ready to reclaim their former honmaru…