Chapter Text
The resources for manifesting a new touken danshi:
Charcoal. Steel. Coolant. And lastly, whetstone.
And yet the danshi that emerged from today’s smithing…
“I’m Heterohitokirimaru, the straight people slicer! … But I’m actually a wooden sword who can’t cut anything...”
Left the sausage saniwa like 🙀 (vine boom effect)
“WHERE DID JT GOOOOO????”
“H-huh?! What???!”
The new guy was about as tall as Soy, somewhere in the 170-175cm range. He had short choppy tan or brown hair, messy around the back and bangs childishly parted in the middle. His eyes were a pink-red color. Bright and full of life, yet also lacking in light. Perfect for the most head empty, void-eyed idiot ever.
Soy shook the newbie’s shoulders rapidly, as Ishikirimaru watched this immediate anti-hospitality (Soy’s signature move) helplessly.
“Soy-san—“
“WHERE THE HELL DID IT GOOOO!! My charcoal, steel, coolant, and lastly whetstone!!”
“What— I—“ Heterohitokirimaru paused in between shakes, “have no clue what you meaaaaan!”
“Soy-san, he’s turning green. He could throw up.”
Soy cackled, “YUH, throw up my charcoal, coolant and whetstone, you brat!”
Though he said that, he stopped shaking the poor guy. Heterohitokirimaru collapsed on the floor all dizzily, but not before the ever so kind secretary could catch him.
“It’s okay if you throw up,” Ishikirimaru smiled, gently setting Heterohitokirimaru down on the matted floor. “I’m always wearing green anyway. No one will know the difference.”
“Th-thanks… It means a lot.”
“are you a fucking dumbass don’t puke on my secretary.”
Heterohitokirimaru was reminded of the soy sauce smelling man and reluctantly turned his head, not wanting to face the reality that this was his new master.
Soy huffed and dropped himself on the matt with a thud despite his flat ass. He sat level with Heterohitokirimaru, who was held like a princess in Ishikirimaru’s arms, and glared at the resource waster sourly
“psssssh, hah. ridiculous. ridiculoso. a wooden sword, hmph! u know what i should do with u?”
Heterohitokirimaru beamed, “I’m glad you’ve calmed down, Aruji!”
“Heterohitokirimaru-san, he’s doing what’s called ‘being passive aggressive.’”
Soy was too cool to pay mind to the sword people’s interjections. “I’ll turn you into back into sword form, pee on you, and watch the wet wood rot.”
“…”
Heterohitokirimaru’s face had a blank smile plastered as always.
“Say what?”
Soy bolted upright and Ishikirimaru tensed. “Soy-san, please wait! This is no way to treat a newcomer!”
“What newcomer there was never a new comer bro genuinely what are you talking about”
Ishikirimaru desperately planted a hand on Soy’s shoulder. “Why don’t we at least listen to his story first?”
“bro he’s a wooden sword, lame as shit!! what story could a wooden sword possibly have”
“Well, for instance… He said he called himself the straight people slicer.”
“…”
Thud.
And with that, Soy was immediately sat once more.
“My name is Soy Sausage. I am your new master and this guy is Ishikirimaru, my secretary.”
“Mr. President, question!!” Heterohitokirimaru raised his hand diligently. “How come every time you sit down, it makes a loud BOOM and shakes the whole room even though your ass is so flat? Does Aruji have the power to cause earthquakes?”
“Soy-san is constipated. That is the entire room feeling the weight of his bowel movement.”
“guh huh okar ishikinji you really didn’t need to share that. whatevs,” Soy looked at the newcomer a bit less harshly. “you there. tell me about this. straight people exploding business.”
“He’s a touken danshi, not a terrorist.”
Straight people slicer. STRAIGHT PEOPLE SLICER.
S-straight people…
🤢
What legend could this formidable name possibly entail. Soy simply had to know.
There’ve been many touken danshi with funny names that made Soy Sausage’s name less unique in comparison. Beard cutter, Candlestick cutter, Nikkari… But straight people cutter. STRAIGHT PEOPLE.
What a very important thing to cut, Soy thought.
“As I was saying… I’m a wooden sword who can’t actually cut anything.”
“Tch.”
“But! I actually think that’s a good thing”
“You just sound useless.”
“They say everything that I can cut is het, but if I can’t cut anything at all…”
“…”
Wait…
Heterohitokirimaru smiled, “That means het people… don’t exist!”
??!! 😨😨😨😨😱😱😱
Soy was shocked to his core.
“straight people… aren’t real?!”
“According to legend they’re not!”
“damn fr??????”
“Oya oya, it looks like Soy-san’s whole world has rocked. This is good news for his bowel movement that I’ll be sure to tell Yagen and Shokudaikiri about later,” Ishikirimaru mused. “By the way, what are ‘straight people’ ?”
Heterohitokirimaru shook his fist and trembled, “Straight people are… ugh! The bane of my existence!”
War flashbacks began to assault his memories.
“Straight people are argh!! Arghh!!!!”
“Heterohitokirimaru-san?!”
The new kid collapsed, landing in Ishikirimaru’s arms once again. Soy leaned in, taking an amused look.
“wuh, he’s out like a light. bro’s actually heterophobic.”
—
“yagen. little bud. little doc. how’s it look.”
The group moved to the citadel infirmary.
Yagen closed the notebook in his hand, while Heterohitokirimaru was conked tf out in the bed behind him.
“Nothing too major that you need to worry about, Taichou. It seems like it was caused by stress. He’s in a new environment, and I can’t imagine you greeted him very well.”
“Ah, of course…” Ishikirimaru mumbled,“Soy-san definitely said a few things to make him feel worse than unwelcome.”
“h-huh… did I?”
“Taichou? Is that guilt I’m sensing?”
“straight people exploder, no…” The sausage approached the unconscious figure and gripped his weak hand soy sauce-ily.
“i never wanted this tragic fate to befall you…”
“….? You wanted worse?”
“you wasted my resources, but the legend of your name is so fire… i just met you 20 minutes ago but you are single-handedly the coolest touken danshi i had the joy of meeting.”
“Ishikirimaru-san, did Taichou just imply he enjoyed meeting any of us?”
“i did decided… i want YOU to be the lucky charm of this honmaru, warding off evil spirits of heterosexuality from our sanctuary! but how— how could i do that?!” Sausage saniwa wailed soy sausage-ily.
“How could i— when i have done this to you?! how could i ever atone?!”
“‘Heterosexuality,’” Ishikirimaru repeated the foreign phrase. with a thoughtful look on his face. “Sounds very serious for them. Yagen, do you know about it?”
“I mean, yes, but I don’t know what about it could possibly be bringing Taichou to tears.”
Yagen sighed, before patting Soy’s sobbing shoulder. “Uh, Taichou.”
“huh wuh?”
An ugly wrinkled snot filled face met Yagen’s eyes. He grimaced in disgust at the way smelly Saniwa’s face was contorted by grief. Nevertheless, Yagen found in a corner of his soul somewhere, a tiny glimpse of (fake ass) compassion.
“You know, since it’s stress that’s causing him to feel unwell… I’m sure just expressing your kind(?) feelings to him will help alleviate his pain.”
Ishikirimaru followed in suit, smiling encouragingly, “I think so too. Just be gentle to him and make him feel welcome.”
“You’re probably what caused 90% of his stress anyway… Ah, who said that.”
“little doc what the helly”
“altho. u two probably are right,” Soy put a hand under his chinny chin chin (or his ちんちん idk i’ll leave it to your imagination).
“he is the lucky charm of the citadel, warding off heterosexuality. we must give him a welcome party. we must hold a banquet!!!”
“Soy-san?! A banquet?! Today?!”
“not just today but right nyow like literally right now!!! infact, im off to go tell shokudaikiri to prepare food for all 80 of us !!!”
“Taichou, please hold on a—“
But it was too late…. the excited sausage was already gone, loud earthquake steps pounding down the honmaru halls, as if counting the days to Shokudaikiri’s doom…