Work Text:
Note: Takes place when the turtles are grown, married, and with kids
POV, Narrator
As the whole world knows, all my readers have been begging me to kill off one of my characters. Not a day goes by that someone doesn’t message me and say, “YOU BETTER KILL OF MIKEY, OR I WILL KILL OFF YOU!” Since I want to take the obvious threat to my life seriously, I will write a story where I do just that. Hee hee, I just made that up. But seriously, I’m gonna kill off someone. Get ready.
It was a tragic day that Mikey had a slight toothache.
“Ouch,” he groaned. “My tooth hurts…”
“Well, why don’t you go to the dentist, Uncle Mikey?” suggested Ser.
“Cos,” he answered vaguely.
“Why don’t you stop eating those chips, Uncle Mikey?” suggested Maggie. “You could also cut back on the ice cream.”
“And the juice boxes,” added Yoshi. “It’s my job to take out the recycling during the day, and it’s mostly juice boxes.”
“I’m recycling,” said Mikey dismissively. “So it’s virtuous.”
“Actually,” corrected Sarah Lily. “Recycling should only be used when you have to. It still uses energy. There’s nothing virtuous about drinking too much juice out of juice boxes.”
“My tooth hurts,” complained Mikey, sticking his finger in his mouth. “Ouch…”
“Why don’t you go to the dentist?” suggested Shen. “Oh wait, someone’s already suggested that, haven’t they?”
“Ser did,” sighed Shiloh. “Uncle Mikey, let’s face it, there’s just no helping you.”
“My tooth hurts,” he complained, stretching out on the ground and moaning. “It hurts… Why doesn’t anybody suggest something helpful?”
Everybody groaned.
“I’ve got a way to, like, help you, my, like, hubby,” said Natsuki, throwing Jackson on her back so he could hang there like a gorilla child. “I’ve got a, like, magic fix for that. Totes literally!” She held out a green crystal vial invitingly.
“Baby-faye, you always know just what I need,” grinned Mikey, taking the crystal vial from her and trying to unscrew the lid. “I can’t get it open,” he complained. “Help me!”
“Here, let me,” offered Veronica condescendingly, taking it from him and unscrewing it with one pull. “There you go.”
“Thanks,” he smiled, taking it and lugging the whole thing in one swallow.
Suddenly, his eyes rolled back in his head, and he collapsed, limp. Everybody screamed, and Natsuki instantly began casting spells wildly. All was chaos, as Master Splinter and Ann were called. This is how they were summoned.
Ann and Master Splinter were sitting in the dojo together, holding hands and talking sweetly. He was stroking her hair, for it was their anniversary, and they were all lovey-dovie.
“Queen Ann, today nothing can distract me from your lovely face,” Master Splinter told her. “Happy anniversary, my love, and may we have many more.” He pulled out a present.
“Oh, Yoshi, you’re so sweet,” she beamed. “What is it?”
“Close your eyes,” he requested.
She obeyed, and he pulled out a large chain necklace with a gold heart charm on it. He began to fasten it around her neck, when Leo burst in.
“Sensei!!!” he cried wildly. “Mikey- Mikey’s in trouble!! Help!!!”
He sighed, “Michelangelo is always in trouble. Go clean up the spilled juice by yourself, Leonardo. I am busy.”
“It can’t wait, Sensei,” insisted Leo breathlessly. “I think he’s-- dead.”
In surprise, Master Splinter jerked the chain so hard that Ann coughed, saying, “Don’t strangle me, Yoshi!”
“Come quick!!” begged Leo, beginning to sob.
Their special moment ruined, Master Splinter and Ann got to their feet, rushing into the living room, where Mikey was lying on the floor, a crowd around him. Various charms and multi-colored vapors lingered in the air from Natsuki.
“Is he--” began Ann.
“It’s too late,” Donnie sobbed into April’s shoulder. “He’s gone.”
“It was the wrong vial,” Natsuki screamed in agony. “Like, NOOOOO!!!!”
***
The funeral was very sombre, and took place at a nearby funeral home. The coffin was open, and Mikey’s lifeless corpse was there. A towel kept his chin propped up, for Master Splinter was against the practice of embalming. He was wearing an orange suit that he would have loved in real life. The room was full of all the people who had known Mikey, and they were all sobbing.
“I’m sorry, man,” said Bob the shark, patting Raph on the arm. “Mikey-- he was just too good for this world.”
“No he wasn’t,” sobbed Raph. “He was bad! So BAD! But I loved him anyway.”
“If you need anything, love, just let us know,” said Bob’s wife Bianca, the British shark.
“Same here,” added Frank the seagull.
“Thanks, everyone.” Raph blew his nose into his sleeve. “It means a lot.”
“Life and death go hand in hand,” Grandpa Boid told him. “But I don’t think anybody lived as much as Mikey did. He knew how to have a good time, that turtle. Say, are you serving any of Crusty this funeral?”
“No,” denied Raph, shaking his head. “Mikey gorged himself on the last of him, and then threw him up. Oh, Mikey!!!” He cried harder.
So, everyone gathered in their seats, crying. Now it was time for the family to make speeches about how much they loved Mikey. Here are some pieces of their heart-felt speeches.
“And when he stole the chips and put the empty bag in the fridge even though those chips weren’t actually refrigerated,” said April with tears in her eyes. “I didn’t appreciate it like I should have! He-- he always thought outside the box. That was his special talent.”
“Michelangelo was my most festive son,” informed Master Splinter, wiping his eyes pathetically. “I don’t know what else I can say. I feel too much, so I can’t even speak.”
“Oh, Mikey,” wept Ann. “How can this be, that I would outlive you? No mother should have to bury her adopted child!”
“Rest in peace, little brother,” begged Raph, covering his face with his hands. “Rest in peace.”
“Mikey, why do you have to die, man?” sighed Casey, pulling out a cigarette and smoking it on stage. “This world stinks. The stench of smoke and death is everywhere.”
“Eat healthy, everyone!” begged Sarah Lily. “This is why! Don’t let his sacrifice be in vain.”
“I shouldn’t have chased him out of my lab all those times,” wept Donnie. “If only I could have all those moments back. Next time he messes around in a nuclear power plant, I wouldn’t make such a fuss. The world can blow up for all I care, as long as Mikey’s in it.”
“Mikey,” lamented Karai. “You were such a light in a dark world! Please don’t go!! Please!!!”
“I’ll never forget him. Every time I see the toilet seat has been left up in a house that has too few bathrooms, I’ll remember him. May all the unrefined males in our house follow in his noble footsteps and leave a little bit of toilet paper left in the roll so they don’t technically have to get another. Rest in peace, and please don’t haunt us.”
“Mikey, I SALUTE you!!!” shouted Arizona. “It takes courage to be yourself in this world!!!!”
“Uncle Mikey,” sobbed Ser. “He-- he was my favorite Uncle.”
Donnie and Leo looked a little hurt.
“Uncle Mikey, if only I had appreciated you more,” sighed Shiloh. “Every time I saw that dent on my younger brother, Ser’s, shell, I will remember how you took him hiking when he was a baby, and he got bitten by a coyote because you weren’t watching him like you were supposed to. I will always remember from you that it’s okay to make mistakes, like letting my younger brother live.”
“Hey,” argued Ser. “I was born first. You’re my little brother.”
“Let’s not fight about it today, truce just during the funeral,” wept Shiloh. “Uncle Mikey was EVERYBODY’S little brother.”
“Uncle Mikey was the best work of modern art I’ve ever seen!!!” lamented Veronica. “He-he had all the chaos and color, and everybody loved him!!!”
“I wish he was here right now,” said Shen simply, sliding off the stage. “I’m not really good at making speeches...anyway, I gotta get going soon. Please, everyone, make this faster. I wanna shop at Burning Subject, the goth girl store.”
“Uncle Mikey!!” cried Yoshi. “He-- he was so loving!!! And, as everyone knows, love makes the world go round. Like how round he was.”
“Very profound,” everyone nodded.
“He was an inspiration to me, dudes,” informed Roger, crossing his heart. “Without him, I would never have done half the things I did. That’s a big thing.”
“Uncle Mikey!!!!!!!!!!” sobbed Maggie uncontrollably. “Uncle Mikey!!!!!!” She was so hysterical that she had to be dragged off the stage.
“Mom and I wrote a song for him,” informed Veronica. “Dad’s going to play guitar, while I sing. It’s called The Ballad of Michelangelo.”
“When the sun sets
Don’t fret
I’ll meet you in the world beyond
Playing in a fishing pond
And picking at my toes
And shoving boogers back in my nose
That’s where you’ll find me
Keep an eye out for Mikey”
Everyone wiped their eyes after that tearful song about meeting Mikey, their beloved, in the world beyond.
“Mikey LOVED raggedy ann and andy dolls,” Leo told everyone. “Even though I’m scared of them, I brought a bunch here today to show what he means to me. And now, I will hug one.” Shuddering, Leo managed to put his arms around a really large one, whose head was bigger than his own. Its cold buttons poked his eyes. Then he vomited on the stage, and Yoshi was forced to go clean it up.
“MIKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” screamed Natsuki, beside herself with horrible grief. “I CAN’T- I JUST, LIKE, CAN’T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!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I HAVE LOST SOMEONE WHOM I LOVED MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Oh, look,” said Leo suddenly. “Rumplestilskin and the other dogs are here to pay tribute.”
Rumplestilskin, a part-pitbull, part golden retriever mix, stood in the back of the funeral home with all his doggy friends. Together, they set off a howl that was a beautiful tribute to Mikey, and got all the New York dogs yapping in tribute to Mikey too.
“That was beautiful,” sobbed Donnie. “Absolutely beautiful.”
Afterwards, everybody made their way into the hall for some food. They ate doughnuts and punch, and everyone wondered if they could ever be happy again.
“But we shouldn’t let his memory go to waste,” said Sarah Lily. “Whenever we hear a bell go off, think of how Mikey’s an angel getting his wings.”
“I think that’s what Mikey would want,” agreed Mikey. “Except, WHY don’t you guys have nachos at my funeral?! That’s what I want the most. So wrong.”
“You’re right,” agreed Raph. “Nachos is what you would have wanted most. I guess we were so overcome with grief, that we didn’t think of it.”
“There’s no excuse,” said Mikey, wagging his finger at him. “Nachos.”
“Wait a minute,” yelled Arizona. “MIKEY, YOU’RE ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
For many minutes, all was absolute chaos. Natsuki actually fainted with joy. And then it turned out that she actually had given him the right potion for a toothache, his stomach had just been so overturned from all those processed foods that he’d been eating that he hadn’t been able to stomach it very well. But he’d had a nice long nap and been pronounced dead, and now he was back for more. Everybody was so overjoyed to have him alive again, that they didn’t even object when he filled his plate with ten doughnuts at once, and then complained about his tooth ache.
So the moral of this story is appreciate your loved ones now while you still can, and encourage them to eat healthy, because fake funerals are really expensive.
THE END