Work Text:
“Hey, Euijoo,” Fuma nudged him in the side. “Sorry for asking, but I need a favour.”
The thing about Fuma is that he is capable. He knows what he wants, gets it done, then goes home to play Pokemon. When Kei has first introduced him as such, Euijoo had mentally scoffed. No one above the age of 20 could possibly be that decisive. The efficiency and pace at which Kei was gassing him up to be? Absolutely impossible.
Unfortunately, Fuma is that and more. Not only is he reliable, he’s also funny, witty, and never makes anyone feel left out. The younger members of the friend group had taken to him almost immediately. Today, he’d integrated himself as the indispensable, emergency contact of the group.
In theory, Fuma would be a perfect partner. He was attentive and kind and willing to communicate. If Euijoo hadn’t been so hung up on his own problems, and Fuma wasn’t always staring at Kei with stars in his eyes, maybe they could’ve been something. Something good.
All this was to say that Fuma rarely ran into problems; if he did, he tried to handle it by himself. For the most part he was successful, and it was rare that he ever actively asked others for help unless he truly needed it. So when Fuma elbowed him lightly and requested his assistance, Euijoo snapped to attention almost immediately.
“Uh, yeah, of course.” Fuma would not ask him for anything unreasonable, he was sure of it. Turning to face him, Euijoo knocked his water bottle with a graze of his elbow. Fuma’s hand shot out before it could totter over the edge. “Oh, god. Sorry. What do you need?”
Fuma set the bottle back on the table. “Someone I know needs a place to stay for a bit.” His fingers drummed against the cool metal of the tumbler, each tap ringing out with a muted ting, ting, ting. “Kei’s out of town, so I asked the others, but none of them have any available space. I was wondering if you…?”
“Oh.” Euijoo let his chin rest on the palm of his hand as he pondered. His apartment wasn’t massive, but he did have an extra study room that he could, in theory, squeeze someone in. There was a futon abandoned somewhere in the storeroom that he could drag out, if necessary. He hadn’t had a need for it in years. The last time someone stayed over… well, he didn’t want to dwell on it right now. Positive thoughts only. “Yeah, I have space. They can come if they’d like.”
Fuma paused. “You won’t ask me who it is?”
Euijoo mirrored his expression. “Should I?”
There was an unusual conflicted expression that marred Fuma’s face. It was certainly not unheard of, but it was rare that Fuma would seem so unsure about something. Rare enough that, as Fuma visibly swallowed, Euijoo shifted in his seat and tried to ignore the growing dread in his stomach.
“Euijoo, I promise I asked everyone else first.” Fuma’s fingers began to tap more insistently on the tumbler. Every metallic ting felt like a toll of a bell, chiming towards his demise. There was something in the way that the older man held himself that screamed danger. “I wouldn’t be asking you this if it wasn’t our only option left, really —”
“Fuma-hyung, just spit it out, please —”
“Nicholas is back in town,” Fuma blurted out before barrelling on, as if he hadn’t just flipped Euijoo’s entire world. “I’m sorry to ask you, Euijoo, but he really needs a place to stay. Could you let him live with you for a bit?”
Euijoo will later try to convince himself that the reason he’d said yes was because he’d already agreed beforehand. Fuma had seemed desperate, he reasoned in his mind. It would be cruel of him to reject him over something as petty as his own feelings. There was a real, true need out there. So what if it meant rooming with his ex-boyfriend that he hadn’t seen in four years? If Euijoo had the means to help, why shouldn’t he?
Reality cut through his self-soothing lies like a knife. This is the truth — that no matter how long he had spent on his own, no matter how many years had passed since they could look each other in the eye, it never mattered. When it came to Nicholas, Euijoo was a weak, weak man. The second he’d heard the name, his fate had been sealed. He’d said yes before his mind could fully catch up. For when it came to Nicholas, Euijoo had never quite learnt how to say no.
He’d mopped the floors, scrubbed the furniture, even taken a feather duster to the little bits and bobs that he kept as decoration on his shelf. They weren’t much, just two fake cacti because he couldn’t keep the original plants alive. They were the only things giving some sort of colour to this place, and they clashed with the aesthetic of everything else. Regardless, despite Euijoo having to turn his head away from them in fear of crying sometimes, he couldn’t bear to throw them out. He’d wiped every window and screen till twinkling, and vacuumed his apartment three times. If Nicholas didn’t turn up soon, he might be going for round four at this rate.
Fuma had reassured him that Nicholas knew what he was getting himself into, that Euijoo had been the one to offer his place. By some miracle — or calamity, that remained to be seen — he’d agreed. He’d said okay to living in the same house as Euijoo for an indefinite amount of time. The Nicholas that Euijoo had concocted in his head would’ve never agreed. Perhaps too much time had passed between them. Perhaps he wasn’t someone he could call familiar anymore.
The sharp peal of the doorbell cut through his thoughts.
“Oh, shit —” Fumbling with the vacuum, Euijoo haphazardly set it in a corner before turning to the door. A quick peek through the peephole showed him a tall man standing right in front of the door. Euijoo’s breath hitched.
Nicholas.
Euijoo hadn’t kept up with him since they’d separated, had refused to even take a peek at any photos with him in it, so he’d expected to see the Nicholas he knew, just… a little taller, maybe. But the years had been kind to Nicholas. Gone was the soft, boyish charm, and in its place was a man full of sharp angles and firm stature. His eyes had somehow grown darker and sharper, and while it should’ve made him look scarier, all it did was make butterflies erupt in Euijoo’s stomach.
Through the peephole, Euijoo watched in rapt fascination as Nicholas shuffled around, swinging his suitcases from one side to another. It was just like him to never sit still, Euijoo chuckled to himself, and for a moment he was content with watching the scene before him. Impatiently, Nicholas pressed the doorbell again, once, twice. Euijoo didn’t budge from his spot, engrossed.
And then Nicholas leaned closer.
“Crap —” Euijoo’s body jerked back, but it was too late. Nicholas had lined his eye up with the peephole; they’d made a split-second of eye contact before Euijoo had come to his senses and torn his gaze away. Hurriedly, his hands fumbled with the doorknob, sweaty palms barely managing to twist the lock and pull the door open.
“Hello,” He said to Nicholas as nonchalantly as he could, as if he hadn’t been just caught staring at him through a peephole. Like a stalker. Oh god, Nicholas was going to think that he was such a creep. This wasn’t the cool and composed image he’d been trying to go for. “Hope you didn’t have trouble finding this place?”
Nicholas nodded, eyes darting away as he pulled his suitcases through the doorway. “Yeah. It’s pretty convenient. Good location, having it so close to the station.”
“Yeah. I chose it because of that. Haha.”
“Nice.” Another pause. “Cool.”
They descended into an awkward silence.
Oh god. Now that he thought about it, Euijoo hadn’t made a new friend since… Fuma, probably, and they’d been introduced by Kei. When was the last time he’d had to hold a conversation on his own? Even worse was the strange categorisation in his mind, the one that labelled Nicholas as a stranger that he had to get to know. Once upon a time such a thought would have been unthinkable. Yet here he was, tugging at his fingers behind his back as he wracked his brain to try and think of a way to re-learn the Nicholas of today.
“Do you need help with —” Euijoo began, just as Nicholas turned around and started, “If it’s not too much trouble —”
“Oh, yeah, uh, I’ll bring your stuff in, don’t worry,” Euijoo babbled as he quickly rushed outside, not waiting for Nicholas’ reply. There were four luggage bags in total, wedged tightly outside the door. Fuma hadn’t told him what Nicholas was in Japan for, only that he needed a place to stay. All the same, Euijoo had expected Nicholas to bring this much. He’d always been a chronic over packer. Something about fashion rotations and outfit combinations. Euijoo had always let him, of course, and had even offered his own luggage space for Nicholas’ benefit.
He pushed the thought away as he shoved the last of the bags through the entryway. He tugged the handle behind him, and with a final click, the door snapped shut. Nicholas was still standing awkwardly at the entrance, shoes off and turning aimlessly. It was the sort of movement that people did when they needed to pretend to do something. For the first time, it finally sunk in — they were going to be living together. In Euijoo’s home. An enclosed space. Together.
Oh, god.
One skill he’d developed over the years apart was the ability to go on autopilot. He’d let his conscious self go blank and his mind take the wheel. Wherever it landed him, he didn’t quite care. Right now, as Nicholas stared anywhere but at him and Euijoo gnawed at the skin on his lip, he let his mind drift away. Screw it. He couldn’t do this conscious. He would pour himself a glass of soju, but Nicholas probably didn’t approve of day drinking. Plus, it would be bad manners. He would never treat a guest like that.
When he finally snapped back to consciousness, haze clearing from his mind, he found himself in front of his own bedroom, gesturing lightly towards the door. Okay. It seemed as though they were doing a small house tour. Euijoo had no idea what there was to show, given that it was a two-room apartment, but Nicholas was nodding along and ooh-ing and ahh-ing, so he supposed he must have been doing something right.
He stopped Nicholas as he was about to reach out and open the door. “Uh, one rule. Sorry. It’s a little weird, but please don’t ever go into my room unless it’s an emergency, or I tell you to. Don’t try to look inside or… yeah. Just don’t. Sorry.”
He had no idea where this was coming from, but as the words flew out of his mouth, he internally heaved a sigh of relief. As lovely as it was to have Nicholas in the same space as him again, there were some lines he couldn’t cross. Both for the sake of Nicholas, and for himself. His room was still too private a place to open up to anyone, lest they discover something inside that was still tender to the touch.
It wasn’t as much a Nicholas problem as it was an Euijoo problem, though. He hadn’t let anyone else into the room since he moved in, barring the initial time when his friends had helped him carry his boxes in. Ever since he’d set up his place, though? No one had even caught a glimpse of the inside. It was already rare enough that people came over. Euijoo couldn’t recall the last time he’d invited anyone to his house. Did he still have the spare chairs that he’d stowed away in the storeroom? He would have to go check that later.
Surprise coloured Nicholas’ expression for a second, before it was washed away by an easy smile. “Don’t worry, Euijoo. You don’t have to apologise for this.”
A congealed mix of awe and devastation roiled in his gut. For all his physical, cool new looks, Nicholas’ smile was as beautiful as ever. Carefree, open, bright. No matter how much time had passed, his beam was still the sun. Euijoo couldn’t help but turn his head to stare every time.
How did Nicholas manage to laugh so freely? In the presence of his ex, no less. If he was Euijoo, the most he could’ve managed was a tight grin that would have convinced no one. It was pathetic. So much time had passed, yet his chest ached the same way it did all those years ago, arching and heaving.
As if he needed any more proof that Nicholas was completely over him. Who was he kidding? Of course he was. All Euijoo had to do was look at how they’d ended. Of course Nicholas didn’t like him anymore. Of course he’d walked away. Any sane person would have.
He slammed the thought shut before it could spiral out of control.
“This is your room,” Euijoo pushed the door to the second room open. It was a little smaller with minimal decoration, but Euijoo hoped it looked homely enough. The futon on the floor was piled with a fluffy duvet and an even fluffier blanket, and there was a small table across from it. Euijoo had considered leaving his original table there, but it’d taken up too much space, so he’d swapped it with the one in his bedroom. It was quite a tight squeeze, but what Nicholas didn’t know couldn’t kill him.
The room’s decorations were a compilation of last-minute panicked decisions. Blackout curtains swayed as the light spilled from the vintage table lamp. There’d been a built-in closet, but Euijoo had also pressed purchase on a standing clothes rack. It was practical, he’d reasoned. Nicholas always had too many clothes. He could hang up his accessories on it too.
Luckily, it got the reception he’d wanted. “Euijoo,” Nicholas breathed, eyes shining. “This is amazing. Are you sure you don’t mind me staying here? For free?”
Euijoo shrugged, even as every fiber of his being strained against him, screaming stay, stay, stay. “Yeah. You can stay as long as you’d like. Everything in the living room and kitchen is free for you to use too.”
For a few blissful moments, Euijoo watched as Nicholas spun around the room, light glancing off his silhouette like a halo. He flitted between the bed and the window before making a beeline for the table, where he ran one delicate finger down the boning of the lamp. When he turned around to face Euijoo, his forehead creased. “Are you sure I can stay here for free? It doesn’t seem right.”
There was a heavier question tucked behind it. Was it appropriate to let him stay for free? Lovers did that, and maybe friends did, too, but right now they were neither of those. They were strangers with history, shredded pieces of their DNA trapped in the crevasses of their hearts. They hadn’t talked in years. Euijoo hadn’t even seen a photograph of Nicholas in ages, yet his heart had sung out the second he’d heard his voice. How could he treat him like a stranger, a foreigner in his own home?
“It’s okay.” Euijoo’s lips curled into a tight-lipped smile. “If you’re worried, buy me a drink sometimes. But you don’t need to do anything.”
Instantly, he wished he could curl up in a hole and die. Drinking, of all things? Euijoo was a terrible drinker. He tried not to ever get drunk, let alone in front of people he knew. Buy me a drink sometimes? That was such an audacious invitation. Why would he assume that Nicholas would want to hang out with him more than he had to? All he’d wanted was a place to stay. Nicholas might’ve been singing him praises just moments ago, but it was only a matter of time until he realised just what it meant to live with Euijoo.
“Oh.” A pause. “Okay.”
They stared at each other. Hesitantly, Euijoo took a step back. “Well, uh. Yeah. Let me know if you need anything else.” He turned to go.
“Have you had dinner?”
“I —” Euijoo whipped his head back. “Dinner?”
It was Nicholas’ turn to shuffle awkwardly. “Yeah. It’s late. Do you want to…” He gestured aimlessly. “Get something to eat, or whatever’s around here? You know best.”
You know best.
“I… Yeah, there’s some shops still open,” Nicholas’ offer had knocked the wind out of Euijoo’s sails. “I’ll go buy us something back. You’re probably tired from the flight. Just rest, and I’ll be right back.”
“Wait, Euijoo —”
He rushed out of the room before Nicholas could finish his sentence. Being around Nicholas was like being a flower on a tree. One wrong shake, one wrong step, and he would fall and crumple to the floor, irreversibly damaged. There was no telling what Nicholas would do to him, but whatever it was, it would be permanent. It would cling to him for an eternity.
So what if he was a coward for running away? Euijoo thought that he was already being brave enough by letting Nicholas be in his vicinity. He had a quota and he’d long surpassed it. It was a miracle that he hadn’t run back to his room to curl up in his bed and cry.
As he pulled on his shoes, he could hear the low rumbling of Nicholas’ suitcases rolling across the floor. That was good. At least Nicholas hadn’t pushed. Euijoo didn’t know what he would do if he had.
He slipped out the door and made his way down the street.
(When he came back, food in hand, Nicholas’ door was closed. He tucked Nicholas’ portion under a cloche on the dining table before squeezing his way back to his room, where he ate in dead silence. His only consolation was that when he came out of his room the next day, the food was gone, and Euijoo later saw the packaging washed and dried on his kitchen rack.
It was a small relief, at the very least.)
The first time Euijoo met Nicholas, he’d thought he was the scariest person in the school.
Rather unsurprisingly, Euijoo hadn’t been a popular student in elementary school. He stayed quiet and polite, never stepping out of line or disobeying. While his classmates screamed and ran on the football field, he’d found solace in curling up in the school library with a good book. He’d never done anything to stand out, but his habits made him a hit with the teachers. Naturally, this meant that he became the instant enemy of some of his peers.
“Hey,” A hand slammed down on the table. Jumping slightly, Euijoo looked up from the book he’d been reading. “Euijoo. You have anything after school?”
Mentally, Euijoo ran through the list of things he had to do. Nothing was immediately urgent, save the worksheet that was due tomorrow. “No, nothing much. Do you guys need something?”
The boys in front of him grinned, teeth flashing as they leaned in. Adults often mistook elementary school kids as being all cute and innocent, but the looks on the boys’ faces was anything but. There was something sinister in the way their hands gripped the table, dirt crusted under their fingernails. “Okay! Meet us after class, at the equipment room. See ya!”
Needless to say, it was not a pleasant surprise.
When Euijoo finally came to, he was slumped on the floor. His mouth was filled with the metallic tang of blood, and the grit of dirt was stuck between his teeth. Dazed, he tried to open his eyes. There was a soft resistance to the movement. He slowly lifted his hand to one eye. His fingers came away red.
Distantly, he could hear voices yelling. The childish whine of his aggressors, and another boyish holler from a voice he didn’t recognise. It seemed as though the boy was fighting the group on his own, shouting in a mix of Korean and a language he couldn’t recognise. All Euijoo could think was that it sounded harsh and sharp. Despite being completely outnumbered, he had the feeling the mysterious boy was winning.
Later, in the infirmary, the nurse would dab iodine at the wounds and coo at Euijoo’s every flinch. Through the pain, he would learn that the boys were summoned to the principal’s office. Apparently the teachers had been tipped off after another student had seen the shouting match between the boy and the bullies. The principal had come running to see the boy standing protectively over Euijoo’s crumpled body, hands outstretched as if to say, don’t you dare.
Euijoo would learn that the boy’s name was Nicholas Wang.
In today’s society, Euijoo would be considered extremely privileged.
Not only did he own his own apartment (two bedroom, by the way — what a luxury), but his job didn’t require him to come into office all the time. Just a few times each month, whenever there were clients. He was paid enough to live quite comfortably on his own, with no external financial support, and he could work from home. It was like striking gold, especially since he was a foreigner. Opportunities like that didn’t come often, and when he’d received the offer he’d nearly screamed out loud at the bar. His friends had flinched back at the sound, and Yuma, who was bartendering that night, had given him a free drink as congratulations. Euijoo had no idea how he’d even landed the job, but he wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Usually, he’d go to his study each morning and begin his work. That was now impossible, of course — he could hear the soft snores through the door as he tiptoed past, work bag in hand. He considered setting his things up in the living room, but paused. If Nicholas saw him doing his work in the common area, he might put two and two together. The last thing Euijoo wanted to do was to guilt Nicholas into moving out.
The cafe it was, then.
Said cafe was a thirty minute walk from his apartment. It was a little far, and there were certainly other cafes that were closer by, but Euijoo told himself that the fresh air would do him some good. Besides, his friends ran the cafe, and he wanted to support them. It’d started out as a way for Kei to earn money between marathons, but had quickly grown into a successful business that he’d seen pop up on people’s recommended list on social media. People seemed to like the gimmick of cafe in the day, bar at night.
His friends worked there, too. Taki had been staffed in the morning from day one, and when they’d expanded to the bar at night, Harua and Yuma had signed up as fast as they could. Euijoo had initially been worried for their safety, given how young they were, but Kei had reassured him that they could handle it. After seeing Harua tackle a man twice his size to the floor, Euijoo was inclined to agree, too.
Taki’s eyes lit up as Euijoo walked through the door. “Euijoo!” he cheered, setting down the dish he was drying. “Welcome! Sorry, Kei’s not back yet, if you’re here to see him.”
Euijoo hummed as he leaned his elbows against the counter. “It’s fine. When’s he coming back?”
“Not sure.” Taki’s hands continued to move rapidly, stacking dishes automatically as he spoke. “He’s overseas for some marathon. He didn’t tell me when he’d be back, but it shouldn’t be more than a month.”
Frowning, Euijoo idly picked up a menu. There was some train of logic that didn’t click here, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. “Cool. Oh, do you mind if I work here today? Any random corner will do.”
Taki waved his hand dismissively. “Sit wherever you’d like. It’s rare to see you here! You should come over more often.”
“I do. Oh, but I mostly come at night. Maybe that’s why.”
Taki’s gaze refused to leave Euijoo. “Yeah. You’re completely uncontactable in the day! It’s like scheduled working hours when messaging you. Read the group chat sometimes!”
Euijoo swallowed. It was true that in recent years, he’d gotten worse at replying his messages on time. He’d developed a bad habit of putting off reading his messages until bedtime, which, by then, all possible invitations out had expired. Maki had once joked that he needed to start setting up a communal calendar in order to schedule outings with him. Euijoo had laughed it off, but the lump remained lodged in his throat.
He placed an order with Taki and took a seat in the farthest corner of the cafe. The morning crowd trickled in, but Euijoo remained unmoved, laser-focused on his laptop. There were work emails to respond to and project deadlines to meet, and Euijoo had honed his self-discipline enough to not be distracted by the little things around him.
So deadly focused was he that he barely noticed the hours tick by. When he next snapped out of his flow state, it was to Taki setting down a plate of food next to him. “Euijoo, it’s past noon,” Taki began, tone reminiscent of a soft-spoken parent. “You’ve been working for hours. Come eat, now.”
“Okay,” Euijoo mumbled, his gaze never leaving the screen. He made no effort to even touch the dish. “Thanks, Taki.”
A slam of metal on wood shocked him into looking up.
“Sorry, Euijoo-hyung,” Taki’s face was still all smiles, but there was something strained that stretched beneath the surface now. “Maybe I didn’t phrase it well. Eat your lunch now, or I’ll tell everyone else. Especially Fuma.”
Euijoo shut his laptop and ate.
Time flew by quickly after that. Before he knew it, the sky had grown dark, and Taki strode to the sign on the door to flip it from ‘Open’ to ‘Closed’. There was a one hour interval between the cafe and its transformation into a bar every night, where the staff would handover and prepare for the incoming customers. As Euijoo finished off his last email for the day, the door swung open. Yuma and Harua strode in, chattering away.
“Euijoo!” Harua started as he caught sight of him in the corner. “What’re you doing here? We haven’t even gotten the alcohol ready yet!”
“Haha, very funny.” Euijoo deadpanned as he slung his work bag over his shoulder. “I was just about to go, don’t worry. Nothing for you to deal with today.”
“You should stay!” Taki piped up as he walked out from the kitchen in the back. “We’re having a meet-up today. You should join!”
“A… what?”
“With the amount of time you spend working online, you’d think you’d be able to read the group chat once in a while.” Harua rolled his eyes playfully as he began arranging some bottles on the counter. Till now, Euijoo had no idea what each bottle contained. All he knew was that Harua and Yuma knew how to to mix them to make them absolutely delicious. “It’s to welcome Nicholas. A celebratory night out.”
Euijoo froze in his tracks.
“Oh, uh, I probably shouldn’t be here then, huh?” The babble that came out of his mouth was laced with giddy mania. He could feel three sets of eyes on him, heavy and unrelenting. “Yeah. I’ve been here the whole day. Gotta go grab dinner and then head back, haha —”
“Nicholas said that you can stay.”
“I should — huh?” Euijoo’s head whipped up at Yuma’s words. “He — I — when did he say this?”
“Just now. I asked.” A few taps on his phone, and Yuma was turning the screen around to face Euijoo. “He’s already on the way with Jo and the rest.”
Euijoo leaned closer. The chat did prove that yes, Yuma has asked can ej join tdy and Nicholas had replied sure?? if he wants to. There was an initial relief of being someone Nicholas wasn’t repulsed by, followed by the dreadful realisation that Nicholas simply didn’t care. He wasn’t clinging to broken straws like Euijoo was, he was just… indifferent. He probably hadn’t even thought of it as a problem, because why would he stress himself over someone he wasn’t in love with? It was just Euijoo. Euijoo was the start and end to the problem.
A further examination of Yuma’s chat log revealed that he’d been in frequent contact with Nicholas. Their last message had been a day prior, and if the scroll bar was indicative, they’d kept up with each other for a while. Euijoo tried to recall his own chat with Yuma but came up empty. Heck, he didn’t even know what Yuma’s Line profile picture was. Was it still that one photo of Jo’s cat?
When Nicholas and Euijoo has broken up, the friend group still remained in contact, but they’d subtly taken sides. Euijoo had expected this, of course, and he’d also expected to get no one on his side. Nicholas had been the one to introduce them, after all. Nicholas came first; he was the friendly, outgoing one, whereas Euijoo was the quiet boy clinging to his sleeve. The outcome was pretty clear, Euijoo thought. He hadn’t tried to fight it.
(Taki had proved him wrong by almost bashing down his door, but that was a long story.)
In any case, knowing that Yuma and Nicholas had kept in contact sent a trill of relief down his spine. He’d had a hunch that they’d kept up with him when he’d left. If nothing else, he was glad that someone could be there for Nicholas, if not himself. The consolation may have been laced with a terrible ache that diffused in his chest, but as long as everyone else was none the wiser, Euijoo would live.
He pushed the phone back towards Yuma. “Well,” he began, “That’s nice of him, but I really shouldn’t drink. I have work tomorrow, you know.”
“Never stopped you before.” Harua shrugged. “Relax. I’ll monitor how much you drink, if you’re that worried.”
“That’s not really —”
The creaking of the door stopped Euijoo in his sentence. A clattering of heavy footsteps sounded behind him, echoing closer and closer to where he stood. He swallowed harshly.
“Boo!” A cheery voice screamed beside his ear. “Euijoo! I haven’t seen you in a while! I didn’t know you were joining!”
Euijoo whirled around. “Maki!” He exclaimed. “You’re here too? Who else is coming?”
He hadn’t spoken to Maki in a while, though that hadn’t deterred either of them. No matter how long time had passed, Maki still greeted him with the same enthusiasm as always. It was something Euijoo had always admired about the boy — he was dead consistent, no matter what happened. Once upon a time Euijoo had considered him his favourite of the younger boys. Right now… well, he tried not to play favourites. It wasn’t his place to do so.
“Everyone in the group chat’s coming, I think.” Maki slid into a nearby seat, and Euijoo followed suit. “Except Fuma, because of work, and Kei, of course. He’s been whining that we’re leaving him out, but that’s his fault for choosing to go running somewhere in the mountains.”
Euijoo snorted as he sank into the seat. “Sounds like him. I probably won’t stay for long, though, you know,” He waved his hand in the air vaguely, before letting it fall limply to his side. “Yeah.”
“What? No!” For all the time that had passed, Maki still whined like a little kid. “We rarely meet up. Please, Euijoo? Just this time.”
Euijoo’s fingers wrapped themselves around the handle of his bag. “I’m not sure…”
Maki leaned forward. “Is it because of Nico?”
Euijoo let his gaze drift towards the others, where they crowded around another table. Big mistake. He hadn’t let himself glance at Nicholas when he first walked in, but now that he’d caught a glimpse, he couldn’t look away. Of course Nicholas would come completely dressed up. Everything, from his tight shirt to his fashionably ripped jeans to the chunky boots with silver accents, fit him perfectly. Nicholas had always carried an aura of confidence, but in this outfit, it was almost like he was the center of the room.
He tore his gaze away. Turning back to Maki, he shot him a forlorn smile. “Would you believe me if I said no?”
“Oh, Euijoo.” Maki patted him on the shoulder, and Euijoo had to blink away the moisture that stung his eyes. “No one’s gonna bring it up, I promise. It’s just a friendly meet-up. You don’t have to talk to him if you don’t wanna.”
“Yeah.” Euijoo exhaled slowly after a long pause. “Yeah, it’s okay. I can do this. I haven’t seem you guys in a while, anyway. And I’m living with Nicholas, so I’ll have to get used to him at some point.”
Maki blinked — once, twice. “Oh, y’all were serious? You two are actually living together?
“I mean,” Euijoo shifted restlessly in his seat. “Fuma seemed really desperate, and I did have an extra room, so. Didn’t seem reasonable for me to say no.”
“Your apartment must be nice,” Maki sighed. “I’m still sharing with Yuma and Harua. Which is fun, of course, but if I have to hear Yuma run the washing machine for just a towel one more time, I’m going to stuff him into the next cycle.”
Barking out a laugh, Euijoo relaxed his grip on his bag. Together, they made their way to the others, who were excitedly talking over each other in some sort of jumbled conversation. It was chaotic and messy, but when were they not? Euijoo smiled as he sidled up next to Jo, and pretended not to notice the stares that Nicholas was periodically shooting at him.
It was fun. Maki was right when he said that no one would talk about what had gone down between Nicholas and himself. They'd eventually settled at a table, and Taki had been gracious enough to give Euijoo the outermost seat. He'd probably thought Euijoo might want to escape at some point, and he wasn't wrong — Euijoo had braced himself for the dread to set in at some point. Yet so far he hadn't felt the itch to leave. He wasn’t yet wishing he could run off to some quiet corner. His hands twitched around the glass Harua had served him, fingers aimlessly gathering the condensation as he let the chatter wash over him.
"Just one drink?"
Euijoo lifted his gaze and nearly jumped out of his skin. He swore that Nicholas had been sitting at the opposite end of the table, and yet here he was, scooting closer until they were a breath's width apart. "Yeah. I, uh, shouldn't drink too much."
Nicholas wrinkled his nose. "But that's boring. Come on, get more. I'm buying them, anyway."
Widening his eyes, Euijoo blinked up at him. "You... are?"
"You told me to buy you a drink, didn't you?" Nicholas grinned. "I'll get them for you, so order another if you want to."
They were veering into uncharted waters. Truthfully, Euijoo hadn't expected to have any sort of conversation with Nicholas today. Or next week. Or the entire duration they were living together, honestly. How was he supposed to act? Casually, he supposed, but Euijoo was terrible at pretending. In his periphery, the table had gone much quieter, and he could feel Taki's wary glances, heavy on his back. "You really don't have to, you know. I said it as a joke."
"Euijoo, I know that." A sigh escaped Nicholas. "I know — never mind. I wanna buy it for you. Yuma!"
As if summoned, Yuma pulled up to their table, tall glass in hand. "Who ordered this?"
"Oh, that's mine — Yuma, wait," Nicholas grabbed the glass and set it down quickly. "Could you get Euijoo another drink? Euijoo, tell him what you —”
"Nope." Yuma crossed his arms and jutted out his chin. To a stranger, he might look fierce and intimidating, but to Euijoo he just looked like a rebellious teenager. Still, it had the intended effect. "For Euijoo? He's getting one and nothing else."
The confusion on Nicholas' face was palpable. He reeled back, as if shot. "What kind of bartender stops their friend from ordering?"
"One that cares about his friends very much." With an apologetic smile, Yuma turned to Euijoo. "Sorry, Euijoo. You know the rules."
"Oh, yeah, don't worry. I wasn't gonna order." Euijoo smiled gently before lifting his drink. "By the way, which one of you made my drink today? It's better than normal."
"Hah!" Came a yell from across the room. Euijoo startled, as did all the other customers in the shop. "Take that, Yuma! I told you I make Euijoo's drink best!"
Yuma scowled. "Shut up, Harua. Who taught you how to make it, huh?"
"And yet he still said mine's better. Sucks to suck!"
"You little —" Yuma stomped back behind the counter. Reaching for a tea towel, he began swinging at Harua. "It's a fluke, got it? It's the one in a million —"
Chuckling, Euijoo turned back to Nicholas. To his surprise, his mouth was agape, opening and closing like a stunned fish. "Are they..." He began slowly. "...seriously fighting at their workplace? How have they not gotten fired?"
"Well, Kei's not around. Mice coming out to play, and all that." Euijoo shrugged. "Anyway, the regulars are used to it. They're always fighting, so it's free entertainment. Oh, look, they're gonna play baseball."
Sure enough, Harua was clutching an empty plastic bottle in his hands, and Yuma was winding up to chuck a wine cork at him. The people seated at the bar counter were egging them on, cheers rising with every swing of Yuma's arm. "Holy shit," Nicholas murmured. "Do you think Kei will hire me? That looks fun as hell."
"I'm pretty sure he would." Tapping a finger against his chin, Euijoo pondered. "Kei's always looking for staff. I'm sure if you asked, he'd say yes." Mindlessly, Euijoo lifted his glass and poured the last few dregs down his throat. He made to get up. "I'm gonna get some water. Nicholas, do you want anything?"
He received no response.
“Nicholas?” He turned, leaning on the seat as he did so. “Do you want —”
He stopped. Nicholas, still seated, was staring up at him with an unreadable gaze. His eyes were fixed on Euijoo, yet something told him that his mind was miles elsewhere. It was the kind of thousand-yard stare that transcended time and space, that saw familiarity in the fleeting shadows. Nicholas might be here, now, but in his head he was looking at something else entirely. Euijoo would know. He’d looked in the mirror enough times before.
A quick wave of Euijoo’s hand snapped Nicholas back to attention. “Oh, uh. No, I’m good.”
“Alright.” Euijoo picked up his glass and turned.
“Wait.”
“Yes?”
Nicholas was leaned back in his seat, though his hands were fidgeting non-stop with the straw. A twist, a turn, a crumple. The plastic was bent and stretched every which way, and yet Nicholas’ fingers never stopped. “You know, you can call me Nico. Nicholas is too long. No one calls me that.”
“Oh.” A pause. “Okay. Nico.” With a nod, Euijoo turned. Bag slyly tucked under his arm, he made his way to the bar counter and set his empty glass down. “Harua?”
Harua was by his side in an instant. “Euijoo? You want some water?”
“No, thanks.” Euijoo slid the glass over, praying that the dim lighting masked the tremble in his fingers. “Actually, I’m gonna go home early. Kinda tired. Can you help me explain it to the rest later?”
It was a flimsy excuse, but Harua had long since learnt to read between the lines. His gaze softened. “Okay. Don’t worry about it. Today’s been hard, huh?”
“Yeah.” A shaky exhale. “Yeah.”
Slipping out of the bar unnoticed was no issue. Against the din of the crowd, the creak of the door was negligible. Euijoo stepped out as if a shadow, the cool air of the nighttime breeze rushing over him. He shivered slightly and made his way home.
He definitely didn’t look back. He definitely didn’t look over his shoulder, through the window, and catch a glimpse of all his friends laughing and smiling away happily. He definitely didn’t watch Nicholas lounge across the seat, body filling in the space where Euijoo had squeezed in just a little while ago.
As if he wasn’t there. As if he was never meant to be there at all.
“Juju,” Came a muffled voice from below. “What does this word mean?”
Euijoo sighed as he pushed his chair away from the table. Even in his bedroom, the midday sun was beating down on them, and the starched uniform clung to his body like a thick slab of soggy paper. It made studying a drag, and it didn’t help that they’d just finished their classes for the day. High school was more brutal about their schedules than they’d thought. “Nico, get off the floor. You’re supposed to be studying.”
“I am studying,” Came Nicholas’ response as he sprawled on the floor. “On the floor. It’s like one big table.”
“That table is going to give you back pain.” Getting up from his seat, Euijoo tucked both his arms under Nicholas’ shoulders and pulled. “Also, you’ll just roll around on the floor and not get any work done. Sit up!”
Tugging Nicholas into an upright position was a Herculean task, but after enough smacks and almost twisting his hip, he finally dragged him into leaning on the side of the bed. Chest heaving lightly, he dropped down beside him. “Okay. Show me your work. Let’s go through it together.”
They’d spent their elementary and middle school years studying together, but Euijoo knew that it was never easy learning in a language that wasn’t your own. For all the time Nicholas had spent in Korea, he was still Taiwanese at heart; the language of his home was always the one he sought refuge in. It’d been an endless uphill struggle for him to learn and compete with everyone else in Korean. Luckily for both of them, Nicholas was nothing if not tenacious.
Still, there were occasions where he’d struggle with words, and he’d come to Euijoo for help. As he handed over his workbook, Euijoo peered closer and shifted his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “나콰유수. Oh, na-kwa-yu-su. It’s an idiom that means mutual love.”
“Mutual… love?”
“Yeah.” Euijoo flipped to a blank page and clicked his pen. “The flower want to float on the river. The river wants to carry the flower. So the flower falls, and the river catches it. Mutual love.”
“Huh.” Nicholas frowned, pen idly drawing circles on the paper. “But the flower has to fall from the tree to be in the water?”
Euijoo blinked. He’d never actually thought about it. To him, idioms were the ramblings of old men meditating on mountains. Now that Nicholas had pointed it out, though, he couldn’t shake the thought from his mind. “I guess so. There’s no other way for them to be together.”
“That’s stupid,” Nicholas declared as he stretched. The hem of his uniform shirt lifted, exposing a stretch of pale, toned skin. Euijoo let his eyes linger for a moment before he tore them away. “I don’t wanna be with someone who has to choose between me and the people they love. Why do they have to leave home to find love? That doesn’t feel like love at all. They should have both.”
“Maybe,” Euijoo shrugged. Why Nicholas was suddenly on such a passionate rant about love, he had no clue. He’d known that Nicholas loved love in the most pure-hearted, romantic way, but the thought of Nicholas finding some nice girl and dancing off into the sunset made Euijoo’s stomach queasy. He didn’t want to think about it for too long for fear of feeling sick. “Or maybe sometimes they have no choice. Be forever stuck on the branch or take a leap of faith — which, I guess, that’s the power of love, isn’t it?”
Nicholas was staring at him. “Yeah,” he began slowly. “Mutual love. Okay. Thanks, Juju.”
Before Euijoo could question him further, he rolled over and started scribbling on his workbook again. Sighing fondly, Euijoo sat back at his desk and clicked his pen once more. The whole exchange had been weird, but he had no time for such things right now. Thinking about Nicholas and flowers could wait. He had a lot of work to do.
To Euijoo’s immense relief, Nicholas didn’t question his behaviour at the bar the next morning. In fact, it seemed like he didn’t remember it at all. When they ran into each other in the living room, Euijoo with his cup of coffee and Nicholas, bleary eyed and yawning, they greeted each other with a quick nod before scooting around each other. There was no mention of Euijoo’s early departure, or of the odd conversation they’d had under the dim lights of the bar. Maybe, unlike Euijoo, Nicholas had thought nothing of it. It seemed like the only plausible way.
Euijoo hadn’t lied when he’d said he had work today, but it wasn’t enough to warrant going out. Apart from reviewing a few projects and replying some emails, he basically had the whole day off. Humming lightly to himself, he gently dusted the two cacti on his shelf.
“Is that Nini?”
Euijoo turned. A few paces away, Nicholas stood, hair wet and messy. A damp towel was draped over his shoulders. In the back of his mind, Euijoo had a fleeting thought of drying Nicholas’ hair for him, ruffling the towel over his locks of dark hair. “No, it’s a replica. The real Nini died a while back. And Jjujju.” He winced. They may have been apart for a long time, but it probably wasn’t a nice feeling to hear that your ex had killed a gift they’d gotten you. “Sorry. I just wasn’t great at taking care of them.”
“It’s okay. I would’ve probably killed them too.” Nicholas sighed.
They stared at each other for a beat too long. When the moment had passed and the tension shattered, Euijoo ducked his head and pretended to examine the fake cactus’ spikes, while Nicholas turned away, hand reaching up to dry his hair with the edge of the towel. When he finally lowered the towel, his face had sunk into a blank expression, though the tips of his ears were beginning to colour. Euijoo would have laughed, but his own cheeks were heating up. Hopefully he could play it off as the burn of the morning sun.
With a groan, Nicholas flopped onto the couch, draping his body across one arm. “You know, we can’t keep doing this.”
That was never a good statement. For a moment, Euijoo felt bile rise in the back of his throat. His head swam and his heart began to thud, but in the blink of an eye it was all washed away by blissful peace. Good old autopilot. Always coming to his rescue. When he turned to face Nicholas, it felt like watching himself through a movie screen. His own voice rang in his ears. “Doing what?”
“This —” Nicholas waved in the air frustratedly. “ — whole dancing around each other thing. Like, yeah, I know it’s awkward to share the space with your fucking ex, but like, come on, Euijoo. You’re the one who offered.”
The protest bubbled to the surface before Euijoo could stop it. “It’s not because of that.”
Nicholas cocked one eyebrow. Between the look in his eyes and the way he lounged across the couch, Euijoo couldn’t help but appreciate how attractive he’d grown. Somewhere along the way, he’d learnt how to wield his good looks like a knife, and now it was as if he knew the perfect angles to reel Euijoo in, hook, line, sinker. “You sure it’s got nothing to do with our history?”
Euijoo bit his tongue. Of course the boy who he’d grown up with would be able to read him like an open book. All those years of trying to change and become better, and Nicholas could still see through him, clear as day. “Well, maybe a bit. I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
The sharpness in Nicholas’ eyes bled into something warmer. “I promise you won’t. You’ve been very nice and kind to me so far. Actually…”
“Actually?”
“Like, I know that we’re,” Nicholas gestured to the two of them. “Kind of… messy? And honestly, I wasn’t really planning on ever meeting you again, no offence…”
“Wow. Okay.”
Nicholas scowled, but there was no heat to it. “But, since we’re here, and we’re gonna be around each other for a while, I was thinking that maybe we could be… friends.”
There was an odd pressure in Euijoo’s lungs, expanding yet crumpling into itself. It felt like his chest could cave in at any given moment. “Friends.”
Nicholas nodded, but there was a stiffness to the movement. His smile, once relaxed, had now turned strained. To an ordinary person he may have simply looked stressed, but Euijoo knew better. He couldn’t pinpoint what it was — the curl of the lip or the shaking of the leg or something else entirely — but one glance was all it took for Euijoo to know that Nicholas was teetering on the edge. Fuck. He hated how he immediately knew that this was Nicholas’ look for when he was bracing himself for rejection. One second was all it took for Euijoo to feel eighteen again, staring up wide eyed into Nicholas’ gaze.
“Okay,” He hurriedly blurted out, before the panic could travel further down Nicholas’ face. “Yeah. Let’s be friends. We can do that.”
Finally, Nicholas’ face broke out into a large grin. “Really? Okay. Yes, great. So cool. We’re friends. Yes.”
Euijoo nodded along gently, even as the sight tugged at his heartstrings. “Yes, Nicholas. We’re friends.”
He could do it. Years ago he’d made his peace with never meeting Nicholas again, that he would forever remain Euijoo’s lifelong regret. Now the universe, for whatever reason, was giving him a second chance at redemption. He may never be able to be completely forgiven, but Nicholas was right in front of him now. What did it matter if his heart was screaming in pain every time he looked at him? He refused to squander this chance to his gnawing greed.
Friends. Yeah. They could be friends.
The last week of high school, Nicholas begged Euijoo to ditch their classes. “It’ll be fun,” Nicholas had pleaded as he’d tugged on Euijoo’s sleeve. “Literally no one will care, anyways. School’s almost over.”
Truthfully, Euijoo hadn’t needed much convincing. Their final exams were over. There was nothing worth going to class for. Euijoo had already been brainstorming what he’d do with all this newfound free time. Still, the sight of Nicholas whining playfully was always funny, though they both knew that Euijoo would say yes. He always did.
The path that Nicholas led him on bled into a small dirt trail that winded up a hill. Euijoo had come here as a child to fly kites, but he hadn’t been back in years. As he stood shoulder to shoulder with Nicholas on the crest of the hill, he let his mind wander.
In a matter of months, they would start their new lives at university. No more school uniforms, no more forced timetables. They could study what they’d always wanted. Nicholas had been accepted into a fashion program, and he’d been raving about it non-stop. Euijoo had enrolled into the architecture course. He was already mourning the time they had together. They’d spent more than half their lives glued to each other’s side; how was he supposed to do everything himself?
He could imagine it all so vividly. Nicholas would call him one day, telling him hey, I can’t meet up today, I have a date, and Euijoo would have to bite his lip and say that’s so cool, I’m rooting for you. Send a photo? Nicholas would introduce a pretty, petite girl as his new girlfriend, and Euijoo would be forever resigned as his best friend. He’d smile his widest as he gave his approval, even as blood pooled in his mouth and dripped down his throat.
Fine, he’d admit it. He wanted to be the one to hold Nicholas’ hand. He wanted to tuck his head under his chin, wipe the makeup off his face at the end of the day, and be the one to whisper good night, sweet dreams as he drifted off to sleep. But he was neither small nor cute, and he was pretty sure that Nicholas knew too much about him to ever see him that way. How ironic, that the history together that made them special was what also made it impossible for him to be loved.
“Juju?” Nicholas’ voice cut through the fray. “What’re you thinking about?”
He shrugged. “Nothing. About uni, I guess. Who knows, you could finally go on a date. Congratulations.”
He’d thrown out the sentence carelessly, as a joke, but Nicholas’ smile crumpled after hearing it. How odd. Nicholas used to complain how he wanted to date, didn’t he? Someone as sociable as him should have been jumping for joy. Why did he look as though Euijoo had crushed him?
Euijoo opened his mouth, but Nicholas beat him to the punch. “Do you want me to? Go on dates with other people, I mean.”
His smile was almost completely faded now, only a hesitant twitch of the lips. His eyes were darting all over the place. It wasn’t out of character for Nicholas to be occasionally nervous about things, but Euijoo had no idea what had gotten him so worked up. Had he said something wrong?
“I mean, if you want to,” Euijoo offered, but it seemed to only make things worse. Now Nicholas was fully refusing to look at Euijoo. His hand was tucked into his back pocket, a nervous habit that only reared its head when he was trying to get it to stop shaking. “Nico? What’s wrong?”
Nothing. Nicholas’ face was turned towards the ground, bangs hanging low.
“Nichol,” Euijoo tried, taking a step closer. He tried to ignore the flash of hurt that zipped through him as Nicholas shuffled back. “Hey, Nichol, look at me. I-Hsiang?”
That did the trick. Slowly, Nicholas lifted his head. His dark eyes peeked uncertainly through his bangs. “It’s… sorry. My head’s a mess right now. I don’t know if I’m saying this properly.”
Euijoo blinked. “Oh, okay. Just try to say it, and I’ll help you figure out —”
“I like you.”
“— the words — what?”
“I like you.” Nicholas tucked both his hands into his back pockets. “I don’t really want to go on dates with other people. I don’t know where you got the idea… hey, I know I compare you to Ponyo, but could you not stare at me like a fish when I’m saying all this?”
Euijoo hadn’t realised his mouth was hanging open. He quickly snapped it shut. “Seriously?” He retorted indignantly. “You tell me you like me and insult me halfway through? Romance is dead, seriously…”
“I’m trying my best, okay!” Nicholas was still bouncing around nervously, but the tension had eased from his shoulders. “So? What do you think?”
“Nuh uh, absolutely not,” Euijoo shook his head, then panicked slightly as Nicholas’ face began to fall. “No, I didn’t mean it that way — shit. I meant that I didn’t wait so long for you to ask me out just to be called a fish halfway through. Do it properly.”
A wondrous smile began to creep onto Nicholas’ face. “You mean… you too?”
“I don’t know, do I?” Euijoo challenged, but he couldn’t fight the smile that mirrored Nicholas’. “Ask me again and I’ll tell you.”
“Okay,” Nicholas laughed. His hands left his pockets, and he reached forward to intertwine their fingers together. “Byun Euijoo. Juju. I really, really like you. Will you go out with me?”
Learning to be friends with Nicholas was akin to an injured man going to physical therapy, in that what was once easy now felt like insurmountable effort. There were so many different things that Nicholas did now that he hadn’t before, and yet déjà vu was a frequent visitor these days, haunting Euijoo’s mind as Nicholas began to settle into his home. Every so often Euijoo would watch the way he’d lean on the kitchen counter as he sipped his strawberry milk, or try to subtly nudge the veggies to one corner of his plate, and he’d have to mask his hollow gaze with as easy a smile as he could muster.
It wasn’t all bad, though. Euijoo hadn’t realised how lonely he’d been until he had to share his space with someone else constantly. The tension was still there, but it slowly melted into something softer, more malleable. Less of a metal twine, more like a rubber band. It certainly helped that Nicholas was always talking, always happy to share whatever he was doing. As the weeks passed and the sun started to radiate its scorching heat through the house, so too did Nicholas ease himself into every corner of the apartment. Suddenly there were two times the portions for dinner, thrice the number of shoes at the doorway, and an infinite amount of cloth on the floor.
“I’m working on a fashion line,” Nicholas admitted, as Euijoo gathered up a few bolts of cloth scattered on the ground. “I’ve had some individual designs made before, and they sold well, but I’m — yeah. I don’t know. I wanted to try.”
Euijoo let his mouth drop into an ‘o’. “Nico, that’s amazing. How long have you… I mean, I’ve seen your sketches before, but how long have you been planning this?”
“About a year or so, now.” Nicholas exhaled. “I mean, it’s still a work in progress… and maybe it won’t really work out, but you know. I wanted to make something that would last.”
“Don’t say that,” Euijoo set the fabric down on a nearby chair. “You’ve worked hard. Even if it doesn’t work out, you would’ve gained something from it.”
It was true. Nicholas had always been vocal about his passions. Growing up, it was a common sight to see Nicholas drawing designs for outfits and sketches of clothes in the margins of his textbooks. More often than not Euijoo would pass his homework to Nicholas for a quick copy before class, and he’d receive it back with doodles of shirts and dresses. Over the years, his determination never dimmed; in fact, it only grew stronger. The designs became bigger. The details grew sharper. Nicholas was always destined for the spotlight, with his love for fashion in hand. Euijoo couldn’t imagine a world where he wouldn’t be successful.
In moments like these, Euijoo could almost breathe easy. There was a small voice in the back of his mind, whispering to him that of course he’d remember, of course he’d know. Understanding Nicholas was as instinctive as breathing — and why wouldn’t it be? Before they’d become lovers, before Euijoo had fucked it all up, they’d been best friends. Even before they’d put a label to themselves, they’d been two halves of a whole. Yin and Yang. The flower and the water. Time could not erase their memory of each other, the once-shared knowledge of their souls.
So life was good. Life was odd and tinged with the occasional burning ache, but mostly good. They no longer skirted around each other, instead allowing their existence in each other’s lives just… be. Each morning Euijoo would wake up for work, and more often than not, he found himself less inclined to escape to the cafe. The initial threat of Nicholas’ presence was easing into an amicable agreement, something superficially friendly. It was good enough. More than enough, Euijoo told himself.
Even his friends seemed delighted by this change.
“I’m just glad to know you’re alive, you know?” Yuma pretended to sob as Maki, sitting next to him at the cafe, grinned. The two of them were little devils in their own right, always finding something new to play with. Today they’d decided that Euijoo would be their victim of choice. “Do you know how worried I was when my beloved friend disappeared off the face of the earth? Oh, the horror…”
With a laugh, Maki caught Yuma as he swooned, collapsing dramatically into his arms. “See, Euijoo? Yuma missed you so much. We all did. At least you’re coming out more often nowadays.”
“And reading our messages!” Taki chimed in as he swooped over to their table. “Do you know how shocked I was when Euijoo replied me in five minutes? I should screenshot it and hang it up on the wall.”
Euijoo couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “You three are making me seem like a hermit. I do read my messages, thank you very much.”
“Yeah, but you’ve never replied that fast.” Maki playfully poked Euijoo’s shoulder. “What changed? Don’t tell me Nico coming back was what did it.”
Nico. Euijoo’s smile waned for a second, before he forced it back into position. “I don’t know. I just felt like if I was talking to him, I should talk to everyone else too, right? Even if I was kind of the problem… ah, nevermind. Just think of it like I’ve taken feedback and will be improving in future proceedings.”
“What the hell is up with that formal office response, you —”
Euijoo’s newfound attempts were apparently so earthshaking that somehow, from the other side of the world, Kei had learnt about it. One morning Euijoo woke up to the blare of his phone going off, Kei’s contact popping up on screen.
“You’re living with Nico?!” Came the immediate screech through the speaker. Euijoo winced and hastily yanked it away from his ear. “Byun Euijoo! What happened when I was away? Why is everything interesting only happening when I’m not there, seriously.”
“Hyung, it’s six in the morning.”
“And you’ve been running around playing house with Nico for weeks, apparently. Now spill.”
Groggily, Euijoo told him everything. How Nicholas had suddenly reappeared in his life, how he’d started to burrow his way into his everyday, how he’d started to regularly cook meals again so they could have dinner together at home, instead of eating out. How Euijoo found himself going to the cafe not just at night for a drink, but also in the day, to see his friends. As much as he hated to admit it, Nicholas had jump-started something inside him that wanted to be better, to get better. He’d always brought out the best in him.
When Euijoo finished, Kei was silent. “Shit, Euijoo,” He finally exhaled, an incredulous laugh echoing through the room. “That’s… a lot.”
“It’s been a lot.” Euijoo shuffled over to his table and plopped down in his chair. He’d forgotten to tidy it the day before, so there were random items strewn around. A few pens, some rough paper, and a Chinese textbook that he’d been reading though before he called it a night. “But it’s okay, I think. We kind of just acknowledge the other person, and sometimes we talk, but it’s just surface level stuff. Nothing too personal.”
“So you haven’t talked about the breakup?”
That made Euijoo pause.
Kei had been there to see the fallout of the breakup. He’d had front row seats to Euijoo’s complete and utter breakdown, as well as everything else that came after. It was an embarrassing level of vulnerability to show to anyone, but Kei had taken it in his stride. He and Taki had forced down Euijoo’s door — figuratively and literally — to make sure that he was still alive and kicking. He’d seen the highest of Euijoo’s highs when he was still happily together with Nicholas, and the most rock bottom of lows when Euijoo isolated himself for months after everything had come crashing down. Euijoo could get why he’d at least be a little concerned. After all, the only times Euijoo had ever let himself talk about Nicholas was when he was drunk out of his mind, three bottles down without a care in the world.
There had emerged an unspoken rule among their friends to never mention the breakup in front of Euijoo. The last time Jo had accidentally asked him about it, they’d been at a group dinner. Euijoo then spent the next hour silently sobbing in a corner, while the other seven of them had panicked and ran around like headless chickens. It was almost comical to relieve, but they’d truly tried everything to try and calm Euijoo down. Harua had done his yowling cat impression, Yuma and Taki had orchestrated an impromptu dance number, and at some point Kei had picked Euijoo up and started cradling him like a baby. It’d all been extremely overwhelming, but eventually it did work.
“Sorry,” Euijoo had sniffed as he added another damp tissue to the already-full bin. “I ruined the mood, didn’t I?”
Maki shook his head, wide-eyed. “No, it’s okay. It’s not your fault. Actually, it’s Jo’s fault for talking about it. Jo!”
“I’m really sorry,” Jo mumbled, dipping his head low. “I really didn’t mean to —”
A pillow to his face cut him off. Yuma stood a few feet away, hand fisting a bunch of couch cushions. “No excuses! Get ‘em, boys!”
“Wait —” Euijoo began, but it was too late. The first punch had been thrown. With an inhuman screech, Maki picked up a stray cushion and began whaling on Jo. Harua and Taki jumped into the fray, and even Kei — Kei! — playfully locked Jo in a chokehold. Fuma tried to call for order, but he was drowned out amidst the chaos.
Euijoo had laughed until he’d cried, again. Regardless, it became taboo to mention anything about Nicholas in front of Euijoo. But now Kei was openly asking, and Euijoo was so startled that his mouth hung open, agape.
“I mean,” Euijoo started once he’d finally come to his senses. “I won’t — I don’t think taking about the breakup is a good idea?” His voice cracked on the last syllable. “Nico’s doing well, and it ended so long ago. What will talking even do?”
“And how about you?”
“I… I don’t know.” He hoped the tremour in his voice was masked through the phone. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. People don’t normally become friends with their exes, do they? This is all so weird. I don’t know.”
“Euijoo,” Kei’s voice mellowed to a softer tone. “Don’t think. Just feel. Don’t compare yourself with others. Your breakup was much, much different from theirs, anyway. How do you feel?”
“Happy.” Came Euijoo’s answer in a split second. “I… I think I missed having him around for so long. Like, he’s my friend. He’s always been my friend.”
To Euijoo, love is a type of energy. Never destroyed, never gone, only converted. It only ever changed into something else. Sometimes it grew teeth and clawed at the cages of his heart, screaming to be released. Sometimes, it remained as the effigy of the love of his life, haunting him till kingdom come. Love could be anything, Euijoo reasoned. If Nicholas wanted a friend, then he would make damn sure to temper the raging ball of fire in his heart into something smaller, something that only pulsed with warmth.
Yes, Euijoo told himself as he said goodbye to Kei and ended the call. It would be okay to smother his own heart, if it meant being close enough to feel Nicholas’ warmth. A wisp of smoke was better than nothing at all.
Dating Nicholas was like unlocking a whole new side of him. It was as if a dam had broken, and all of Nicholas’ repressed affection came flooding out. It rushed over Euijoo but did not drown. Instead, it was like a peaceful buoy, a summer strike of floating down a river while basking in the sun.
On Euijoo’s part, he felt lighter, too. All those months of shoving his emotions into a tiny little box only made it so that when he finally let it all out, it fired off, richocheting everywhere like a rubber bullet. He would randomly bury his face in Nicholas’ hair and press his nose to Nicholas’ sheets when he was out. Nicholas spent a lot of time out of the house, either at his university classes or out with friends. More recently he’d been telling Euijoo about a couple of Japanese friends that he’d made at a singing circle. What were their names? Kei and Taki? There were a few others, too, but Euijoo couldn’t remember. Nicholas had promised to introduce them soon.
In any case, when he’d come home, he’d drop his bag by the couch and full-belly flop down on it. It became a habit for Euijoo to slide his calves on top of his thighs, hands pressing and kneading the knots away.
“That’s nice,” Nicholas sighed, the first time he’d done it. “You’re really good at this, Juju. Like a cute housewife. Maybe next time when we get a house together, I’ll just have you waiting at home to give me massages.”
“Shut up,” Euijoo laughed. “Who will earn the money, then?”
“Me, of course.” Nicholas had the gall to look offended. “I’m gonna make my own fashion line and make a lot of money. Then we’ll buy that nice little loft apartment that you like. What, you don’t think I could do it?”
Nicholas’ tone was light, but Euijoo felt his leg still for a second, as if he was holding his breath. “Of course not,” Euijoo said gently, hands moving down to press at the soles of his feet. “You’ve worked too hard for it to not be successful. Even if we weren’t together, you know I’d always be your fan, right?”
“Don’t talk like that,” Nicholas frowned, but his legs began kicking lightly again. “We’ll go on vacation every year. Ooh, we could go to Taiwan. You should start learning Mandarin, Juju!”
“If I haven’t been able to learn it for the past fifteen years, I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to get very good at it.” Euijoo patted his butt. “Anyways, you’ll be around to help me. Okay, get up. Your back is gonna hurt.”
Groaning, Nicholas turned over. Instead of getting up, he swung his legs over Euijoo’s thighs, bracketing them as he settled into his lap. With a small ‘oof’, Euijoo leaned back, letting his hands rest on Nicholas’ hips. Nicholas pressed his forehead against Euijoo’s, eyes gazing so deeply into his that he almost went cross-eyed.
Another thing that Euijoo had quickly learnt about Nicholas — or, more specifically, something he’d always known but had amplified after they’d got together — was how much he loved physical touch. Especially Euijoo’s hands on him, roaming down the planes of his body. So when Euijoo snaked a hand up to Nicholas’ head to press their lips together, soft yet insistent, Nicholas retaliated by rolling his hips against his. And Euijoo let himself pull Nicholas impossibly closer, as though it was what he was always meant to do.
Later, as they were tangled up in each other’s arms, Nicholas tucked his head into the crook of Euijoo’s neck. “You know,” he mumbled soft and slow. “I’m really happy you said yes. I don’t think I could ever be with anyone else.”
“You’re so sappy,” Euijoo chuckled, but he let his palm rest on the curve of his cheek. “Thank you for loving me. I love you.”
“Mm. I love you, too.” Nicholas turned to press a kiss on his inner wrist, and Euijoo felt butterflies erupt in his stomach. “We’re gonna have a nice apartment and we’ll put the cacti — what did you call them again? The ones I bought you?”
“Nini and Jjujju?”
“Yeah, them. We’ll put them on a nice shelf with good light. They’ll be like our two kids, you know? We can take commemorative pics of them every year.”
Euijoo swallowed. There was a thought brewing in the back of his mind, jolted alive by the mention of kids. It killed the butterflies in his stomach and made it churn uncomfortably instead. On the table, his phone buzzed, and Euijoo tried not to think of the message he’d received from his parents just hours prior. Focus on the good. Nicholas was right here, right now. The light of his life was wrapped so close to him that he could feel every beat of his heart, and it was love so blinding that Euijoo could not — would not — see beyond it.
“Yeah,” Euijoo closed his eyes, dipping his head as if in prayer. “I think it’s you. You’re it for me.”
To Nicholas’s credit, the problem did not begin until almost two months into living together; even then, it was only a problem for Euijoo.
He was smart enough to know that for all his familiarities, time had changed Nicholas. In many ways he was a different person now — new hobbies, new habits, new him. Euijoo wasn’t privy to this brand new Nicholas, though he was at least allowed to observe from the outskirts. Still, living together had brought them a little closer, so Euijoo had settled into a false delusion that maybe, just maybe, he was starting to know this Nicholas.
And then it all came crashing down.
They’d settled into a routine of having dinner together. On most days, neither of them had any dinner plans, so they’d started alternating who cooked for the night. Nicholas had made a braised pork noodle the other day, so it was Euijoo’s turn to cook up something. He’d ended up making some galbitang, an old recipe his mom had taught him once. Nicholas used to eat it when he came over, so maybe he would enjoy the nostalgic comfort.
But Nicholas never showed up.
Thirty minutes bled into an hour. Euijoo checked his phone periodically, but there was no message from him. It wasn’t odd for him to run late sometimes, but usually he was polite enough to shoot him a message as a heads up. Yet this time it was complete radio silence. The series of messages Euijoo had sent went unread, too.
By the one and a half hour mark, he was starting to panic. He scrolled down his list of contacts before hitting call. “Fuma,” He said the second the call picked up. “Have you heard from Nico at all today?”
As it turned out, none of them had. Fuma and Euijoo went on a frantic search, dialing all their friends to see if anyone knew anything. No dice. He hadn’t gone to the cafe, and he hadn’t told anyone his whereabouts. All their calls went to voicemail. It was as if he’d disappeared off the face of the Earth.
More surprising, however, was how none of the others seemed to be that concerned.
“He disappears like that sometimes,” Euijoo could almost hear the shrug in Harua’s voice. “It’s just Nico, you know. He does what he wants.”
“But that’s so dangerous!” Euijoo protested. He’d begun pacing up and down his living room, scrunching up his hair between his fist. “What if something went wrong? What if a stranger came up to him? Doesn’t he know to at least share his location, seriously.”
“Are you concerned because he’s missing, or are you more concerned that he’s with someone else?” There was an unexpected bite to Maki’s tone that made Euijoo blink in confusion. “Look, we get that you’re worried, but there’s nothing else we can do but wait for him to show up. If you really want to, talk to him tomorrow. See ya.” And with that, the line went dead.
What the hell.
To his knowledge, Euijoo hadn’t done anything to piss Maki off. He’d been perfectly amicable, even making an effort to meet up more often. What could he have possibly done to warrant any of that? He was just making Euijoo’s bad mood worse. Not only was Nicholas missing, but he’d skipped out on their dinnertime, and now Maki was berating him for unknown reasons. It was all so frustrating. Euijoo was one minor inconvenience away from tearing his hair out.
Fuck it. Fuck it. Euijoo had been pretty good for the past few months. A little treat wouldn’t hurt, would it? He’d monitored how much alcohol he drunk in one sitting, and he was getting better and better each time. It was a lot of effort. He deserved a break. Yanking open the fridge, he rummaged in the back until his hand closed around a cool, thin bottle.
He would have liked to think that he’d been on his best behaviour since Nicholas had reappeared in his life. He’d staunchy ignored the bottles stashed away at the back of the fridge, instead opting for plain water or some other sweet drink. Kei had always been particularly strict on him when it came to alcohol, and throughout the years Euijoo had tried his best to avoid getting drunk in front of the younger ones, out of a useless sense of pride. Nevertheless, there were days when the itch came back full force, and Euijoo wanted nothing more than to down a bottle and let his mind drift away.
He settled on the couch, ice-cold bottle in hand. The first sip was tentative, but as he tipped the liquid down his throat, the swigs became bigger and bolder. Before he knew it, he was staring forlornly as the final drop of soju sid down the side of the glass.
Well, another couldn’t hurt, could it?
When the door finally clicked open at three in the morning and Nicholas stepped through the doorway, Euijoo had amassed a small collection of beer cans and soju bottles. He’d been lining them up like dominoes when the sound of the lock turning had made his head shoot up. Nicholas toed off his shoes and tiptoed in, before freezing at the glare Euijoo was shooting him.
“Euijoo,” Nicholas breathed, before wrinkling his nose. “Oh my god, how much alcohol is that —”
“Where the hell have you been?” Euijoo swayed to his feet. “It’s almost sunrise. Where the fuck did you go? I asked everyone and no one knew where you’d gone.”
“I —”
The sleeve of Nicholas’ oversized jacket slipped off his shoulder. Frantically, Nicholas scrambled to tug it back into place, but it was too late. Even when drunk, it was hard for Euijoo to miss the large, almost purplish hickey blooming on his collarbone.
In hindsight, Euijoo could not tell what he’d felt at the time. All he remembered was freezing in place, as if someone had dumped a bucket of ice water over his head. He suddenly felt so small, shivering and shaking as his mind tried to piece together the scene. Nicholas missed dinner to go out with someone. He slept with someone.
He slept with someone.
His traitorous brain began to conjure up terrible images. Nicholas, with his hands around a stranger’s waist. An unknown hand dragging down his toned chest, tangling their fingers in his hair. Teeth biting down on Nicholas’ exposed collar. Like a flip of a switch, the chill in his vein was replaced with red hot rage.
He couldn’t help it. He began to laugh.
“Euijoo?” Nicholas inched closer, concern written all over his face. “What’s wrong? Are you —”
“Fuck you,” Euijoo spat out. “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I was doing so well before you came back. I was so concerned that I called everyone, you know? I thought you’d been kidnapped or some shit. But no! You’ve just been running around, sleeping in someone else’s bed. The room I gave you wasn’t enough? Fuck you. Couldn’t even send me a message.”
“What the hell, Euijoo?” Nicholas recoiled. “You’re being mean, Euijoo, stop it —”
“Nice thought, right? I’m here playing housewife while you run around fucking strangers on the street.” The venom dripping from his words was out of his control now. “No location, no nothing. Just disappeared without a word.”
“Oh, that’s fucking rich, coming from you.” Nicholas folded his arms, scoffing. “You’d know a lot about disappearing, won’t you? It’s your favourite pasttime. We’re not even dating, so stop hounding me like some clingy boyfriend.”
The words crashed into Euijoo like a dash of cold water. This was a mistake. Euijoo’s mind was spinning like a centrifuge, rational thought sinking as his emotions lurched to the surface. Who was he kidding? Being friends with Nicholas? What a pipe dream.
Euijoo laughed again, but his voice hitched halfway through. “Yeah. So sorry that I was concerned for my friend. Sorry I didn’t want you dead in a ditch.” Turning away, he stumbled towards his bedroom. “Dinner’s on the table. Eat it, throw it out, I don’t care. Goodnight.”
“Wait, Juju —”
He didn’t care to listen. Throwing open the door, he stumbled in, hissing in pain as his toe stubbed the oversized table. The Chinese textbook on the table rattled slightly, and he reached his hand out to steady it. He slammed the door shut and sat on his bed, head buried in his hands.
Fine. If Nicholas could go and fool around, so could Euijoo. Two could play this game. He hadn’t tried to pleasure himself since they’d broken up, too afraid of what could possibly happen, but today was different. Today his mind was a mess of bitter anger and swirling grief, and as he slipped his hand beneath the waistband of his shorts and curled his fingers, he found his chest heaving slightly.
Nicholas is going to leave. Euijoo is absolutely sure of it. He knows he’s going to leave and he feels it in his bones, the same way that the gaping hole of Nicholas’ absence had left his body writhing and shaking on the floor. What did it matter anymore? He’d called him a clingy boyfriend, and the worst part was that he was right. Nicholas had been gracious enough to offer to be friends, and Euijoo’s stupid brain had heard ‘second chance’ instead. Nicholas had given an inch and Euijoo had tried to take a mile. Of course he’d be mad.
On autopilot, Euijoo’s hand began moving through the motions, familiarity slowly bleeding through the cracks. It’d been years, but the pleasure flooded back in an instant. Euijoo let his head tip back as he groaned. The last time he’d done this… well, he hadn’t even done it himself. Nicholas, with his large hands and sly smile, had pressed his thumb to his slit and watched Euijoo writhe under him.
Focus. Euijoo shook the thoughts away as his hand sped up. Thinking about Nicholas now would only make it impossible. The alcohol was making his head feel oh-so floaty, and, if he let himself drift, he could feel the heat building in his gut, a tell-tale sign that he was close. It’d been too long. This was going faster than he’d expected. He no longer had any control over the reigns; instead, all he could do was watch through a haze as his body squirmed and reacted to the movement of his hand.
A single traitorous memory resurfaced. Nicholas’ mouth pressed to the shell of his ear, breath hot and heavy. Joo, dream Nicholas panted out, So good. More, please.
I love yo—
With a yell, Euijoo ripped his hand away from himself and crumpled to the ground. The fog in his head cleared in an instant, and shame flooded his senses instead. God. What was he doing? He’d spent so long convincing himself that he’d moved on, yet a single memory of Nicholas was enough to bring him to his knees.
Choking back a sob, Euijoo clawed his way onto the bed and curled up in the sheets. He couldn’t do this. He’d lied to Kei and all his friends. He’d thought he’d be strong enough to handle it, that the confirmation that Nicholas was doing well for himself would be close enough to closure. Years ago he’d convinced himself that once Nicholas had found someone new, he’d let himself move on. And yet here he was, exactly where he’d started.
In the years that stretched between them, Euijoo had made his peace with the fact that he would die without ever being known again. He’d be good and keep all the hurt and yearning locked up tight, never to see the light of day ever again. He would take his love to the grave. He just hadn’t thought that it would be the same love that would send him to his grave.
His tears continued to fall long after he’d fallen asleep.
“Juju,” Nicholas tugged at his arm as he tried to stomp away. “Hey, Juju. Stop.”
They’d just come out from a dinner with Euijoo’s family. He’d foolishly hoped that they would be happy for them — after all, they’d known Nicholas for years. He thought that maybe, his parents loved him enough to love Nicholas, too.
How stupid he’d been.
“No,” Euijoo tried to shake off the hand around his arm. “Fuck, I’m so mad. What the hell was that?”
They’d spent the first half of the dinner in awkward silence, tension thick enough to cut with a knife. Jokes and stories that would have normally landed were now met with terse smiles. His sister, at least, seemed to have stayed the same, laughing and teasing Nicholas throughout.
It was only later, when his sister had returned to her room, that his parents had spoken.
A boy and a boy. Unnatural. Won’t possibly work out. There were a slew of other things that they’d said, but by then Euijoo’s blood was boiling. His entire vision had gone red.
To his side, Nicholas winced. “Well, I didn’t quite expect them to be that… intense, but it’s okay. If I date you for long enough, maybe I could win them over.”
The worst part of it, probably, was that his parents had said all of this from a place of concern. They’d genuinely looked worried when Euijoo had stood up, yelled that he wasn’t going to break up with Nicholas over something like that, and walked out. They truly, deeply believed that they were just advising Euijoo. That was the worst part — that at the end of the day, they’d done it out of love, too.
They’d reached a street, dimly lit by a flickering streetlamp. With a sigh, Euijoo flopped down on the curb and buried his head in his hands. “I’m sorry,” He mumbled out. “I knew how much you wanted to impress them.”
“Hey, no, Juju, look at me.” Hands grasped his arms and moved them away from his face. When Euijoo looked up, Nicholas was smiling down at him, eyes soft yet rimmed with red. “Yeah, I was disappointed, but I would do it again for you. Anyday. Okay?”
Nicholas had always been too kind to someone like Euijoo. Still, he let his cheek rest on the back of Nicholas’ hand. “Okay,” he mumbled. “If you say so.”
“Kei’s back.” Were the first words to come out of Euijoo’s mouth the next morning. “Are you gonna meet him?”
From his spot in the kitchen, Nicholas paused, bowl of soup in hand. They stared at each other for an awkwardly long time. Euijoo tried his best to hold his gaze. Truthfully, he’d had a whole plan of coming out today and apologising to Nicholas, but one glance at the man and his brain had blanked. He’d blurted out the first thing he could think of, and now they were caught in this terrible silence.
Finally, Nicholas sighed and put the bowl down. “Yeah, we arranged a meet-up sometime next week.” He nodded his head to a pot on the stove. “Soup?”
“Ah.” Euijoo took a step back. “Actually, I, uh, haven’t washed up. And I have some work to do. So —”
Nicholas raised an eyebrow, lips still pressed in a firm line. “Your head’s not killing you yet?”
Well, now that Nicholas mentioned it, there was a dull ache in the back of Euijoo’s head, one that he’d been trying to ignore all morning. Usually he’d just tough it out and try not to stare at too many screens, but it seemed like today’s hangover had a little kick to it. It’d been a while since he’d drunk that much, after all. “Oh, just a bit. Yeah. Sorry.”
“Go wash up, then come drink the soup.” Nicholas turned to face to stove. “I’ll have a bowl ready.”
Unsteadily, Euijoo obliged. He took extra care to dab at his face, trying to mask the heavy eyebags that sank against his skin, but it was all in vain. The person that stared back at him in the mirror looked as soggy and miserable as ever. With a sigh, he flicked the bathroom light off and headed to the table.
The table had been set. Two bowls lay across from each other, each with a spoon beside them. Euijoo picked one up and took a sip. “Thanks for the soup. It’s pretty good.”
Nicholas let out a non-commital hum. “Took it off the Internet. I don’t know how authentic it is, but as long as it tastes good.”
They descended into silence.
Euijoo kept his eyes firmly fixed on the bowl in front of him. He didn’t dare to meet Nicholas’ eyes for fear of what he might find. Anger, maybe? Disgust? Or worse still, pity? Euijoo had no desire to see how badly he’d fallen from Nicholas’ good graces.
He could hear the small tinkling of the spoon scraping the bowl as Nicholas ate. He himself tried to keep a steady pace. Spoon in bowl, spoon in mouth, swallow, repeat. Occasionally he’d push the ingredients of the soup around with the back of his spoon, just to stall for time. For what exactly, Euijoo wasn’t too sure.
“Do you really have nothing to say to me?”
Hesitantly, Euijoo lifted his gaze. Nicholas was staring at him dead on, face impassive. “Uh… sorry. That you had to see me like that. I really didn’t mean the things I said yesterday.”
Nicholas’ gaze didn’t budge. Their eyes locked, a silent standoff between them. Finally, as if his strings had snapped, the fire in Nicholas’ eyes disappeared. In its place was pure, bone-heavy exhaustion. “You know, I don’t get you.”
Euijoo frowned, even as his heart thudded in his chest. “What do you mean?”
“You… we broke up years ago, and — yes, Euijoo, we’re talking about it now.” Whatever Nicholas saw shift in Euijoo must’ve made him all the more determined, because he pressed on without hesitation. “It’s like you’re right back to having to take care of my shit. Like you’ve forgotten why we broke up. I’m not your responsibility anymore, you know. You’re free.”
There was a train of logic here that Euijoo wasn’t privy to. Nothing in that sentence made sense, at least not to Euijoo. What the hell was Nicholas talking about? What did responsibility have to do with their breakup? There was a small pinprick of thought nagging in the back of his mind, but he had no idea where to start.
The confusion must’ve been obvious on Euijoo’s face, because Nicholas spoke up once again. “What?”
“I don’t really… get it?” Euijoo began tentatively. “Like, if you’re upset about the drinking and me being too overbearing, I’m sorry. I’m working on the alcohol thing, and if you don’t want me to be so naggy about your whereabouts, I won’t do it anymore. I really won’t, if that’s what you want me to do.”
It was Nicholas’ turn to look confused, but eventually he sighed and let it drop. “Sorry. No, I’m glad that you’re looking out for me. I’ll let you know if I’m out late next time. I just… hadn’t expected you to be so intense about it.”
Heat crawled up the nape of Euijoo’s neck. “No, I… I didn’t mean to. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. But I’ll be more chill about it next time.”
“Byun Euijoo, being chill?” The corners of Nicholas’ mouth lifted, and suddenly Euijoo could breathe easy again. “Miracles do happen. What a world we live in.”
“Oh, shut up.” Euijoo scooped up the last few drops of soup from his bowl, humming as he ate it. “Will you be back for dinner today?”
“Probably.” Nicholas reached over to take Euijoo’s empty bowl and spoon. “But I’m kinda lazy to cook. Wanna go out?”
Work that day was mundane. Nothing new, just the same routine over and over again. Still, Euijoo couldn’t help the childish excitement that thrummed through his veins for the rest of the day. They rarely ate out, save meeting up with their other friends at the cafe. The thought made Euijoo’s pulse race a little faster, akin to the night before a field trip when they’d been kids.
When the clock struck half-past six, Euijoo shut his laptop almost immediately. Throwing on a nice shirt and a pair of jeans, he pushed open his bedroom door and walked to the living room. “Nico, are you ready to… go?”
Nicholas was standing next to the door, phone pressed to his ear. He had one sock on, but the asymmetry didn’t seem to bother him. He kept frowning and inhaling sharply. Whatever the person on the phone was saying, it wasn’t good news.
Euijoo settled on the couch, eyes never leaving Nicholas. Eventually, he finished the call and turned to face him with an apologetic smile. “Sorry,” he began, running his hand through his hair. “That was Maki. He got into a fight with Harua, and they live in the same house, so he doesn’t know where to go now.”
“Oh,” Euijoo blinked. His mouth moved before he could think. “You can tell him to come over. We have space.”
Nicholas blinked back in surprise. Euijoo couldn’t blame him. He’d never been a fan of inviting people over, always preferring to meet somewhere outside. Yet today felt different. Maybe it was Euijoo’s good mood, or that he was trying to connect with his friends a little more. Regardless, he nodded. “I’ll go buy us dinner. Ask him what he wants.”
“Woah, wait, no,” Nicholas shook his head vehemently. “I’ll go buy it instead. You just got off work; you must be tired. Besides, I know what Maki’ll like.” He tapped his phone a few times. “I’ve sent him the address. Just let him in when he gets here.”
“Wait, Nico —”
Nicholas shot him a grin as he shut the door.
Well, shit. Sighing, he went to his room to change into something comfier, before dragging out a spare chair he’d stowed away in the storeroom for too long. Once that was done, well, there was nothing for Euijoo to do, really. He returned to his room and sat at his desk.
There was a reason — multiple, actually, but this one was the biggest — that Euijoo had refused to let Nicholas even catch the faintest glimpse of the inside of his bedroom. Every night, he’d slide open his drawer and pull a thick textbook out of it. He’d amassed a collection over the years as he improved, but right now he was slowly working through Mandarin for Beginners: Intermediate. It’d been difficult to track down this series, too. Not many publishers were willing to print the traditional Chinese characters. But Euijoo had been persistent, and eventually, he’d managed to get his hands on them.
He’d never considered himself much of a linguist, but there was a certain peace to the daily repetition of copying down new characters until they stuck. His pronunciation was probably terrible, but he tried anyway. Today, he cracked open the textbook and jotted down a new phrase on a piece of paper. 落花有意，流水無情. The falling flowers yearned for love, but the heartless brook rippled on. In other words, unrequited love. How cruel. How true.
A knock on the front door jolted him from his thoughts. He hurriedly set down his textbook on the table and rushed to open it. In front of him stood Maki, hair dishevelled and eyes rubbed red. A small duffle bag threatened to fall off his shoulder, though he didn’t seem to notice.
His eyes widened as he saw Euijoo. “Hyung,” was all he managed to gasp out, before his face crumpled and he lurched forward. Euijoo managed to catch him in his arms before he fell to the ground. “Hyung, I’m sorry, I don’t know what to do…”
“Shh, it’s okay.” Nudging the door close with one foot, Euijoo slowly shuffled the two of them to the couch. He slowly laid the boy on one corner of the couch. As Maki squirmed around, slipping his bag off to rummage through it, Euijoo grabbed two glasses of water from the kitchen. He passed one of them over to Maki, who took a few sips.
“Sorry,” Maki’s breathing was still a little shaky, but he was significantly calmer. That was good. It’d been too long since Euijoo had been the one doing the comforting, let alone to someone who was always all-smiles, like Maki. It shouldn’t be too difficult, right? Just listen well and try to make them feel better. They were friends. It’s what they did. “I freaked out, and I think Harua hates me now, and I…”
“Woah, now, slow down,” Euijoo panicked, hands moving around frantically as Maki’s eyes grew glassy again. “I’m sure it isn’t that bad. It’s Harua. You’ve been friends for years. You two even live together now. He won’t hate you.”
Maki sniffled. “He might. We fought after that phone call with you yesterday. He got pissed that I’d been so snappy at you — which, yeah, I was. I’m really sorry about that.”
“That’s okay. I’d honestly forgotten about that.” And it was true. Amidst everything else, Maki’s attitude had been the last thing on his mind. “What happened next?”
“It’s just — I’d only heard Nico’s side of the story, and when you seemed so panicked over looking for him, I snapped for no reason.” Maki continued, and Euijoo blinked. It felt like déjà vu all over again, the confusion and blank gaps remniscent of that morning. It was as though everyone else knew a piece of a puzzle that he didn’t. “And then Harua scolded me, but I fought back, and then we started arguing over shit I can’t even remember. I just know that at one point, I called Harua a chronic shopper who only knew how to spend money, and he called me a clingy dog that would follow the first person that gave me attention.”
Euijoo sucked in a breath. “Jesus, Maki…”
“I know!” Maki wailed. “I didn’t mean it, I promise! I like that he buys little trinkets and clothes and that his eyes light up each time he finds something new. I do, really! But I was so angry, and I didn’t know what to do. And then he told me to leave him alone, so I packed a bag and called Nico.”
Euijoo let out a long exhale. “Okay. Let’s start slow. Why did you think you were mad?”
“It’s all my fault,” Maki wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “I kept seeing Harua and Yuma all over each other. Which is kinda their job, I know, but I was so tired and I got so jealous. It’s stupid, isn’t it?”
“It’s not stupid at all.” Picking up Maki’s water glass, he offered it to him. Maki accepted gratefully, sipping on his water as Euijoo continued. “Sometimes we’re irrational and act out. We’re human; we have emotions. It’s normal.”
“I don’t want to have these feelings if they make me act so shittily to Harua,” Maki said miserably. “Life would be so much easier if I just did things logically. Head over heart, and all that.”
Euijoo shook his head slowly. “If we only had logic, it wouldn’t be living at all. Really, it’s better to have loved than lost than never loved at all.”
“And you, Euijoo?” A small sniffle escaped Maki as he stared at Euijoo with wide, puffy eyes. “Do you follow your head or your heart?”
Euijoo paused. “Well,” he began slowly, a self-depricating smile twitching on his lips. “I tried to follow my head, once, when Nico and I broke up.”
“And how did that go?”
The self-deprication blossomed into full-blown loathing. “It’s the biggest regret of my life.”
“Oh, hyung…”Maki’s expression crumpled so quickly that it almost looked like he’d been the one to go through the breakup. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be so rude yesterday. I know you were just trying your best.”
“It’s — fine.” It was Euijoo’s turn to become misty-eyed. “I get why you’d defend him. I’m the one who messed up. It’s too late for anything now.”
As Maki opened his mouth to respond, the front door creaked open once again. In stepped Nicholas, bags of takeout in his hands. Euijoo looked up and nudged Maki in that direction. “Oh, look, dinner’s here. Once you eat, you’ll feel better.”Promise.”
Ushering Maki to the dining table, Euijoo turned to face Nicholas, who was trailing behind them. “Thanks for buying dinner. I got him to calm down a little, but I think it’s still best if you talk to him. I’ll go…” He gestured to the bathroom. “Take a shower first, so that we don’t have to all rush later on.”
Nicholas stared at him with a blank expression, before a grimace forced his way onto his face. “Okay. Yeah, sure. I’ll go talk to him. Do whatever you need to do.”
Euijoo took his time in the bathroom, arranging products and organising his shelves. It’d probably be easier for Maki later on, he reasoned to himself. He hadn’t had a guest over in so long. What even was proper host bathroom etiquette?
By the time Euijoo emerged from the bathroom, hair damp and towel slung across his shoulder, Maki and Nicholas had disappeared from the living room. He could still hear their voices, soft and echoing from Nicholas’ room, so he wasn’t too worried. They’d been gracious enough to cover his portion of food on the table. Today Nicholas had chosen a simple kimchi stew, and as Euijoo slowly swallowed mouthful after mouthful, he couldn’t help but be grateful for its warmth.
Midway through eating, the door to Nicholas’ room finally creaked open. Maki, clutching a bundle of clothes, nodded to Euijoo before making his way to the bathroom. His eyes were still rimmed with red, but he seemed way calmer now. Whatever Nicholas had told him, it’d apparently worked.
“I talked it out with him. He’s okay now.” Dragging out the seat opposite Euijoo, Nicholas plopped down onto it. He buried his head in his arms as he slumped forward. “He just panicked because he really likes Harua.”
Euijoo let out a non-commital hum. “Well, I’m sure once they talk it out, they’ll be fine. I’m glad he’s feeling better, though.”
Nicholas was staring at him, expression stone cold.
“Nico?”
“So,” Nicholas straightened up in his chair, eyes never leaving Euijoo’s. “Is this a thing you do often? Talk about me to everyone except for me?”
Euijoo dropped his spoon. It thudded as it hit the bottom of his bowl, soup splashing around lightly. “What do you mean? What’s this —”
He froze. His own words from before bubbled to the surface of his mind. I tried to follow my head once. It’s the biggest regret of my life. “Oh.”
“Oh,” Nicholas mocked sarcastically. He tucked one hand into his back pocket. “You know, if there’s something you want to say to me, you could just say it to my face.”
“It’s — nothing. There’s nothing worth saying.” The lump in Euijoo’s throat was beginning to expand, suffocating him from the inside. Was it always so hot in here? Euijoo swore that he’d turned the air-conditioning on. “It’s just my own personal problem, Nico, you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Not my problem?” Nicholas’ frown only grew. “If it was just a you problem, you wouldn’t only be affected by me, would you? Why is it that you only flinch when I get close? What the heck did I do wrong —”
“You didn’t,” Euijoo tried to exhale slowly, but it came out alarmingly like a sob. Nicholas’ eyes widened at the sound. “I’m sorry, no, it’s not…”
“Euijoo, if it’s killing you this much, you should just tell me. You said us breaking up was your biggest regret, Euijoo, that’s not nothing —”
There’s a phenomenon called hysterical strength, where people manage the impossible in moments of utmost desperation. A mother lifts a car for her child trapped underneath. A friend confronts a bear and stalls for help until help can arrive for both of them. In times of panic and begging, the body defies its own limits to save the people they love. There is no group of people willing to help more than those with their love on the line.
This will be Euijoo’s hysterical strength — that he will breathe out and let Nicholas go. For his final act of love he will make sure Nicholas is happy. He will press and stuff his own hurt into a little box, and he will feel it grow warmer and warmer until it burns, raging fire against the swell of his heart. Nicholas will walk out of his life for the last time, and, just like flame to a cardboard box, the only way out would be through. He will disintegrate into ash, but it will be okay. Nicholas won’t be around to see it. He can’t be hurt by what is too far to burn him.
He will miss Nicholas for the rest of his life, Euijoo thought as his eyes traced the slope of his cheeks, the bridge of his nose. He will miss Nicholas like a stupid little dog that only knew love and was not good for much else. He will be tossed to the sidewalk and left in the rain. He will shiver and shake as his very being crumbled, but it didn’t matter any more. It was so dark. He was so tired. This would kill him, but he couldn’t care anymore.
If Nicholas asked him to leave today, to hand over the keys and walk out the door, Euijoo would consider it a blessing to be able to deliver. If Nicholas told him to reach into his chest, rip his heart out and serve it to him… well, he’d done that a long time ago. A writhing mass, pulsing and trembling as it was offered to the only boy he’d ever loved.
Nicholas could never know that Euijoo loved him to death. That would be his final act of love to him.
“No,” His voice trembled at every word, but he tried his best to hold back his tears. “No, no. I didn’t mean, I don’t,”
Nicholas was still staring at him. “Euijoo…”
“No, please don’t ask.” Euijoo didn’t want to know what Nicholas had to say. He wouldn’t be able to stand it if he was looking at him with pity. So many years of living, and his biggest fear was the lovely boy standing in front of him, holding his heart in his hands. “I can’t do this. I have to go.”
“Wait, no, Juju,” Nicholas called, but it was too late. Euijoo had grabbed his phone and keys, and was slipping on his shoes as fast as he could. “No, Euijoo, where can you even go, now? It’s so late.”
“It’s okay.” Euijoo turned and flashed as reassuring a smile as he could muster. “You don’t have to pretend to worry about me anymore. I’ll find someplace. It’s okay. Maki’s sleeping in your room, right? You can take my bed so you don’t hurt your back.”
“No, Euijoo, don’t —”
Euijoo yanked the door shut behind him and took off in a dead sprint. His apartment was a fifteen second walk from the elevator, but today it only took him five. He ran in and jabbed at the buttons. As the door slid shut, a flurry of movement caught his eye. Nicholas, hair askew and eyes frantic, was slamming the button from the other side. Euijoo watched as his mouth moved, voice muffled from beyond the door. Euijoo, Juju, wa—
The elevator slid down.
The second the elevator doors opened on the ground floor, Euijoo took off again. He doubted Nicholas would come chasing after him, but he wasn’t taking any chances. He ran and ran until his chest heaved and legs burned. Shit. He hadn’t worked out in so long. A short sprint, and he felt completely exhausted.
He collapsed onto a nearby ledge and took a look at his surroundings. He’d somehow ended up in the nightlife district. He hadn’t been here in a long while, ever since he’d really started trying to get sober. But maybe his mind knew that it’d been all too much. Maybe there was really no point in trying to improve, if all it took was one boy to come in and wreck everything.
But it wasn’t even Nicholas’ fault, was it? If anything, Nicholas had been nothing but good to him. Somehow, just by being around, he’d encouraged him to talk more, to socialise more often with their friends. The past two months were the most that Euijoo had been out of his house, and it’d felt good. He hadn’t realised just how gapingly lonely he’d been until he was back in the presence of other people. He cooked more home-cooked meals now instead of eating out; he actually cleaned his house regularly. Just by being there, Nicholas made Euijoo want to be better.
This was all Euijoo’s fault. The problem started and ended with him.
He stumbled into a nearby bar, glass door swinging open as he made his way to the counter. “Haewon!” He called to the bartender. “One drink, please.”
The girl turned around. “Euijoo!” she yelled back, surprised. “It’s been a while. How’s life?”
Embarrassingly, Euijoo’s eyes filled with tears.
“Oookay. Bad question.” Haewon began grabbing different bottles. “Something strong, I suppose. Just you today?”
“Yeah,” Euijoo sighed as he laid his head on the counter. “Just — give me the strongest thing you have. I don’t care.”
Time flowed by like syrup. One moment Haewon was in front of him, sliding over a drink, the next moment she was on the phone, wedging it between her ear and her shoulder as she mixed someone else’s order. Euijoo didn’t care. He sipped on his drink and made a face. Haewon really didn’t hold back on her alcohol. It was something he’d liked about her, but on days like these it came to bite him in the ass.
He watched, dazed, as people drifted to and fro. Someone sat next to him at some point and tried to strike up a conversation, but Euijoo was in no mood to engage. He simply nodded and went back to drinking. Eventually, the person cussed at him and stalked away, mumbling something about rude pretty boys. Euijoo didn’t quite know what was so pretty about his T-shirt and shorts, but he didn’t care enough to think about it further. He downed the rest of the glass and pushed it towards Haewon. “Haewon, another one.”
“Nope.” A voice from behind stopped Euijoo in his tracks. A hand came up to cover the glass. “Haewon, no more drinks for him.”
“Roger that, boss.” Haewon made a mock salute towards Kei, who sat down on the seat beside Euijoo. “You want anything?”
“Just a glass of water, thank you.” He turned back to face Euijoo, whose eyes were dazed and empty. “Euijoo. What happened? You were doing so well.”
Euijoo choked back a sob. “Hyung, I’m sorry. I really tried.”
“I know.” Kei sighed. His hands came up to push Euijoo’s bangs away from his forehead. “But you can’t keep doing this. I got so worried when Nicholas called me and asked if I’d seen you. Yesterday he went missing; today it was you. Both of you have some really terrible coping mechanisms.”
Nicholas… had called? “How did you find me?”
“Haewon called me,” Kei nodded towards the girl as she slid a glass of water towards Euijoo. “We’d made an agreement years ago — oh, thanks, Haewon. How are things with Lily?”
“Oh god, don’t even start.” A painful grimace rippled across her face. “She’s so — nevermind. Sorry, Euijoo. Even I was getting concerned for you, so I promised Kei I’d call him if you ever came in in a bad state.”
Euijoo let his eyelids flutter close. “Okay.” So his friends had put him on a watch program. Sure. Why not?
“Let’s go home, Euijoo,” Kei tugged lightly at his arm. “I’ll call Nico, and he can come pick you up —”
“No,” Euijoo pushed against the arms that wrapped around him. “You can’t. I promised I wouldn’t call.”
There was a long pause, before Kei finally sighed. “Alright. Come to my house instead, then. We can make room. Let’s go.”
“Do you have, like,” Euijoo scribbled on his notebook, tongue sticking out in concentration. “Icks? I think that’s the word Maki used.”
“Icks?” Nicholas frowned. He dove onto the bed next to Euijoo, not caring if he was still in his work clothes. “I mean, yeah, I — wait. Why is this like an interrogation? Am I being tested?”
To his side, Euijoo laughed. Nicholas always had the cutest reactions. It made his boring day at the office feel a little better. “No, no. Maki just mentioned it, and Harua latched on to creating a list for everyone, so I thought I’d try to come up with a list based on what I know about you. So far I have smoking, vaping, being on bad terms with their family, cheating… anything else?”
“Oh!” Perking up, Nicholas scooted closer. “Yeah, one more. Excessive drinking.”
“Like the casual drinkers, or…”
Nicholas pondered for a while before taking the pen from Euijoo. “Like those people who drink too often. My office sometimes has these dinners, where they make the newbies drink the whole time. I hate it. Once in a while is fine, but if you get drunk too often…” He made a face. “No. Hate that.”
Euijoo turned the notebook to Nicholas. As he wrote the new bullet point in, Euijoo let a smile cross his face. “Okay, good. So I don’t give you the ick. Nice.”
“We’re literally dating, Juju.” Nicholas flicked him on the forehead playfully. “I’d tell you if you gave me the ick. But no, you don’t drink or smoke or cheat, so you’re all good.”
“Mm.” Euijoo let his arms wrap around Nicholas’ shoulders, and hummed contentedly as Nicholas wriggled closer. “I don’t even like the taste of alcohol, really. Why would I ever drink?”
“You reek of alcohol,” Came Taki’s blunt comment as he opened the door. Still, he made way for them to come in. “Should I get the extra futon out?”
“Yeah, Taki, that’ll be great, thanks,” Kei waited for Euijoo to finish taking off his shoes before shutting the door. “Come on. We have a spare room that you can rest in for now.”
It’d been a while since Euijoo had come to Kei’s house. It occupied the floor above the cafe, which made life pretty convenient for him and Taki, who lived with him. He’d always reiterated that Euijoo was free to come over whenever he wanted, but there was a certain shame in being a burden to others. Euijoo hated the idea of his existence weighing down on others, or, worse still, becoming someone who changed them for the worse. He couldn’t stand it.
“Hey, Kei — oh, Euijoo!” From around the corner, Fuma appeared, Eevee plushie in hand. He was donned in Pokemon pajamas from head to toe, a stark contrast to the buldging muscles that strained against the sleeves. “You’re staying over? Let me get you a plushie.”
As Fuma walked away, Euijoo’s eyes narrowed. “Hey, I know I just drank, but why is Fuma here?”
Kei shrugged, but his eyes refused to meet Euijoo’s. “Well, this apartment is closer to his workplace, you know, and he came over so often already. His lease was up a month or so back, so it made sense for him to move in. Ah, but he’ll sleep somewhere else tonight. The guest room is all yours.”
“And I don’t suppose that ‘somewhere else’ would be your room?”
“Alright, enough about me!” There was an unmistakable flush of red creeping up Kei’s neck as he shoved Euijoo towards the room. “I’ll get you some water. Be right back.”
As the door clicked shut, Euijoo let his eyes drop close and flopped down onto the bed. He really didn’t want to have to think about Nicholas, but at some point he had to, right? This was no sudden outburst. It’d been the accumulation of years of hurt and heartbreak. If Euijoo didn’t want to hurt Nicholas, he had to fix this, and fast. Even if that meant cracking his heart open and watching it drip onto the floor, he had to do it.
The door creaked open once again. Kei was back, but this time Fuma and Taki were in tow as well. He watched silently as they moved around him, slowly fussing over their plushies and water. Taki plugged a cable into a nearby plug, and held out his hand towards Euijoo. “Hyung, phone?”
Oh. Euijoo had forgotten all about that. He fished it out of his pocket and tapped it once, twice. The screen remained dark. Shit. It’d died at some point; no wonder they’d all panicked. He’d been completely uncontactable. Tossing his phone to Taki, he gently took the Piplup plush offered to him. “Thanks. Uh, sorry for the trouble.”
“Don’t be stupid. It isn’t any trouble at all.” Euijoo had expected them to leave, but instead Kei sat down next to him on the mattress. “Do you want to talk about it? What happened, Euijoo? You told me you were happy.”
“I was. Or, I thought I was.” The implication of Nicholas had Euijoo’s eyes filling with tears again. Face burning, he tried to swipe them away. “I thought I could do it. If I let him back in, I would see that he was doing well, and I could convince myself that I wasn’t in love with him anymore, and maybe then I could move on. But I’m sorry. I tried.”
“I mean,” Taki sat down beside him. “The two of you were really, really in love. We were all joking about who’d be the best man at your wedding. That’s not something that leaves easily.”
“But it should,” Euijoo cried. “It’s been — what? Four years? That’s more than half our relationship. That’s just pathetic, isn’t it?”
Kei rushed over with a box of tissues. “Well, everyone heals in their own time,” he began. “Some people get over it fast. Some people need more time. Right, Fuma?”
Fuma was staring at them, but his concentration seemed to be miles away.
“Fuma?”
“I just don’t understand it,” Fuma finally said. Reaching over, he offered Euijoo a tissue. As Euijoo dabbed at his eyes, he continued. “I wasn’t there when you two broke up, and I’ve only ever heard the story through Kei, but I could never understand it. If both of you were so torn up about it, years later — if you were so in love with him, Euijoo, why’d you break up with him?”
In hindsight, the beginning of the end had started a long time ago.
It’d never been either of their faults. They’d tried so hard, and they loved each other so, so much. If the world was just the two of them, they could’ve lasted forever. But the world was much wider than that. It wasn’t just the flower and the river; it was the branches and leaves and forest too.
Euijoo had always known that they’d be subject to scrutiny. For all their progress, the people around them weren’t quite ready to see two boys holding hands. He’d braced himself for their poking and prodding, the invasive questions and snide remarks. He’d known that it would hurt, but with Nicholas by his side, nothing ever felt impossible.
Reality hit like a sledgehammer.
It wasn’t just strangers. It was people he knew personally, too. He watched as colleagues lifted their hands to wave, caught a glimpse of their intertwined hands, and lowered them immediately. Invitations to go out for lunch began to dwindle, until the only people left were their friends. For all their proclamation of an equal society, some people weren’t ready to accept that love could be equal, too.
Euijoo wasn’t the only one who felt it. Nicholas had complained about how his b-boy group kept refusing to go out after practice, saying that they had too much work and needed to head home. Nicholas had agreed, but when he reached home and opened his social media, there were photos of the rest of them out for dinner together. He’d said it in a lighthearted manner, but it’d been strained. Euijoo had wrapped him in his arms as he cried into his shoulder.
The very last straw came from the people he loved.
His parents had been vocal about their disapproval from the very beginning. Though they’d warmed up to Nicholas’ antics, their stance remained firm — they would never allow it. What they had now was just a phase, to them, and nothing permanent.
“You’re not actually serious about him, are you?” His mother had sighed once at the dinner table. Euijoo froze, midway through retelling a funny story that had happened during their date. What was she even saying? Was a seven-year long relationship not proof enough of how serious he was? His sister had been enjoying it, too, and she’d been asking questions up until his mother butted in. “He’s a nice boy, but we have to be realistic, Euijoo. You two can’t possibly be in love.”
Euijoo had curled up in his room and cried himself to sleep.
He never told Nicholas any of this. It would’ve devastated him. Nicholas was already aware of the hostility; he didn’t need to know just how deeply it ran. For a boy who cared so much about family, Euijoo couldn’t break his heart by telling him that he’d never be loved in return by his.
The final straw came in the form of a wedding.
He couldn’t even recall who it was for. Some distant cousin. His parents didn’t know, either, but they’d said yes to the invitation anyway. That afternoon, they’d been ushered into a car, dressed to the nines, and took off to the banquet.
The procession was lovely. The couple had clearly spent a lot of time and effort on it. As he watched the couple say their vows, he let his mind wander. He’d pictured it before, their dream wedding. What would it be like if it could be him and Nicholas up there instead? It wasn’t legal, but perhaps, someday, he could send the invitations and have his friends all dress up. They’d already started joking about what they’d do at the hypothetical wedding. Yuma had volunteered to sing a duet with Taki, and Jo said that he would paint the two of them together. At the wedding in Euijoo’s mind, they’d have a nice dinner, with the infinite plates and fancy tablecloths, and then the music would start.
The doors would burst open. Nicholas would stride in with his father, and they’d be dressed up in some elaborate piece that Nicholas designed himself. He would love that. He loved dressing Euijoo up in his outfits; he’d jump for joy at the chance to design their wedding outfits. Maybe it would be sleek and tight. Maybe it would drape and flow on the ground. Who knew? Nicholas would look beautiful regardless. Euijoo would bow to Nicholas’ father, and he’d pass him Nicholas’ hand with a warm smile. And Euijoo’s father would do the same, pressing Euijoo’s palm into Nicholas’ with a quick “Take care of him” before returning to his seat.
The priest would drone on and on about love and marriage, and Nicholas would pull faces the whole time to try and get Euijoo to laugh. He used to do that all the time, in class. He’d lift his eyebrows impossibly high and pull the ugliest of faces whenever their eyes met. Euijoo had barked out a laugh, once, and the teacher had made them stand outside for the rest of the lesson. Euijoo had panicked over his record, but one scrunch of the face from Nicholas had him bursting into laughter all over again.
And then —
Euijoo’s daydream was interrupted by the hooting cheers from the crowd. His eyes met the couple. The groom had swept the bride up into his arms, holding her up as he kissed her passionately. Oh. The marriage had been officiated. He clapped politely, distantly wondering how long it was going to take them to break the kiss.
A particularly loud cheer made Euijoo look over. A few rows in front of him, his parents stood, cheering and clapping enthusiastically.
His heart sank.
For all the years that they’d known Nicholas, all the time they’d been together, his parents had never cheered them on this energetically. And yet, now, at some stranger’s wedding, they were screaming and shouting like never before. Maybe it was just them being polite. It was a reasonable conclusion.
Euijoo didn’t think so.
Turning, he excused himself, making a beeline for the exit as quick as he could. Once out, he started jogging down the road, eventually taking off into a dead sprint. His tuxedo was soaked with sweat, feet screaming in pain from the dress shoes, but he didn’t care. All he knew was that he needed to get out.
What the hell. It was as if years’ worth of hope came crashing down all at once, and he pressed a hand to his mouth the stifle the cry that threatened to escape. All this while, he’d hoped that maybe, one day, his parents would change their mind. Other people’s disapproval, he could live with. How could he accept rejection from the people who’d raised him?
But there was no chance, was there? Euijoo had felt it the second he’d seen them at the wedding. No amount of pleading would make them say yes. No amount of love would make Nicholas worthy in their eyes, because he was Euijoo, and he was Nicholas.
Even if, somehow, Nicholas managed to get into their good graces, there was no way they’d let him be. He’d be stretched and moulded into something unrecognisable, and Euijoo couldn’t live in a world where he, one day, looked into Nicholas’ empty eyes and realised that he was the reason the love of his life had been completely wrecked.
His mind began to spiral. Nicholas would never recover from such a blow. He’d wanted, so badly, to be loved by Euijoo’s family. Hadn’t he said it, when they’d talked about na-kwa-yu-su? “I don’t wanna be with someone who has to choose between me and the people they love”.
Euijoo would make him into something he didn’t want to be. Oh god. Euijoo would ruin Nicholas, all for the sake of his selfish love. How could Euijoo possibly do that to someone he loved?
It was such a horrible realisation. It certainly wasn’t Nicholas’ fault, but it wasn’t technically Euijoo’s either. And yet, if it hadn’t been Euijoo that Nicholas had fallen for, he would’ve been spared. Didn’t that make it Euijoo’s fault, then? The problem came from Euijoo’s side. He had to take responsibility.
And… well, if they broke up, Nicholas would be okay, wouldn’t he? He’d get his friends back and he’d never have to worry about disappointing Euijoo’s family ever again. It wouldn’t be hard for him to find someone else to love, either, because it was Nicholas. Nicholas loved so easily. He was so easy to love.
Somehow, he’d made his way to the front gate of Nicholas’ home. With a deep breath, he pressed the doorbell. The door swung open, a dazed Nicholas rubbing his eyes as he unlocked the door. “Juju? Weren’t you at the wedding?”
“I-Hsiang,” Euijoo breathed, before he broke down in tears. He watched panic blossom onto Nicholas’ features, and braved a smile through the sound of his heart cracking into two. “I have to tell you something.”
“I couldn’t get together with anyone else after that.” Euijoo mumbled as he lay down, head slowly sinking into a pillow. The cloth was completely drenched, and they’d long since abandoned trying to salvage it. Their tissues weren’t enough to stop the endless tears. “If I did, it would be like betraying him. Because if it really did work out with another guy, it meant that it could’ve worked out with him too. I couldn’t live with that.”
The other three were silent. Kei and Taki had heard this story before, of course. They’d forced it out of him years ago, when they’d broken down his door and made him talk. But for Fuma, who had only known him after the breakup, this was all new. His mouth was opening and closing, as if he had something to say but lost all the words before he could speak. “You mean… all this while…”
“Yeah.” Euijoo forced a shaky smile. “Loved him. Haven’t stopped. Couldn’t tell him. It doesn’t matter.”
“You idiot,” Fuma reached out to grab Euijoo by the shoulders. “You kept this in all this time? Why didn’t you just tell him?”
“What would it change?” Sighing, Euijoo drew the plushie in his hands closer to his chest. “He’s moved on. He’s fucking other people, did you know that? He doesn’t love me anymore. Me telling him would just burden him. Anyways, you didn’t see him the day we broke up.”
Kei frowned. “What? What did he say?”
“That’s the thing! He didn’t say anything, just asked me what we were.” Euijoo turned away. “He just listened to me and nodded.”
Euijoo could recall that moment as clear as day. It’d haunted his nightmares almost every day since. He’d laid on Nicholas’ bed, sobbing his eyes out as he tried his best to explain everything, and Nicholas had hugged him tight.
“I’m sorry,” Euijoo had sobbed. “I don’t know how to keep you safe. I don’t know how to make us happy in the long run. If this keeps going we’re going to ruin each other. I’m sorry. I love you, I really do, but I can’t do this. Please,” and here he looked up at Nicholas. His vision was too blurry to make out his expression. “It’s not your fault, I love you, I really do. And I know you love me. That’s why I’m doing this.”
There was a long pause. Nicholas dabbed at Euijoo’s eyes with a tissue, before stroking his head. When he spoke his voice felt so far away. “Do you really think it’s better this way?”
Euijoo had sniffled. “It’s the only way I can think of.”
“Okay, then.” Nicholas pressed his lips to the crown of Euijoo’s head. Euijoo felt the blood rush through his head, static filling his ears. “Whatever you want, Juju.”
“I just,” Euijoo’s shoulders curled impossibly more inwards, “Don’t know why he couldn’t have pushed back a little. It was so easy for him to say goodbye. I mean, it was always going to end like this, but couldn’t he have tried?”
In the back of his mind, Euijoo knew that what he was saying was purely selfish. What could Nicholas have done to change his mind? The answer was nothing. There was nothing. From the moment he’d stepped into the room, his mind had been made up. They were not leaving the place together. And yet there was a childlike voice echoing at the back of his mind, asking, in a small voice, Why didn’t he stop us? Why did he just lie down and take it?
Why weren’t we worth fighting for?
“Euijoo, I think you’re seeing this the wrong way,” Low and steady, Fuma’s voice washed over him. The words echoed through the quiet room. “I may not have known the both of you at the time, but from what I’ve seen, neither you nor Nicholas wanted to leave each other. It was never for a lack of want.”
“Then why —”
“Euijoo,” Kei butted in gently. “Have you considered that it’s for the same reasons you did?”
He sniffed. “What do you mean?”
There was a long pause. Euijoo wiped his damp eyes and took a curious glance up. Above him, the two men were staring at each other, eyes locked in a silent conversation. He used to do that with Nicholas from across the room. He’d catch Nicholas’ eye and Nicholas would pull a funny face, and Euijoo would press the back of his hand to his mouth to stifle his laughter. Was it something that lovers did? Some sort of soulmate telepathy? The thought made his head spin. His heart felt like it was being split open.
“Well,” Kei began slowly, “You broke up with him because you couldn’t keep him safe and you were afraid you’d make the relationship unhealthy. You broke up with him because you loved him, right?”
“Yeah?” Listening to Kei rehash everything was like ripping open the stitches to a bad gash. It was taking everything in him to not lash out in pain. “I love him. What’s that got to do with —”
“Have you thought that maybe that’s why Nicholas did it too?” Kei continued. “He didn’t fully understand, but he trusted your judgement. He knew that you wouldn’t break up with him lightly. To him, you would never do anything to put him in danger. He loved you enough to trust you and let you go.”
The words crashed into Euijoo like a sledgehammer. In every flashback, in every review and re-review of the scene, he’d always thought that Nicholas had agreed because he’d understood. Because he’d subconsciously known that Euijoo would have poisoned the water, moulding him into someone unrecognisable. He’d thought he’d simply given up on Euijoo. Euijoo had self soothed, convinced himself that it was simply the logical thing to do, because why would he have stayed? There was no reason to hold on to a crumbling flower. It had no use; it had overstayed its welcome. The petals could do nothing but fall.
Now that Kei had planted the idea in his head, it was as clear as day. Of course Nicholas wouldn’t have thought that. It’s Nicholas. He would have loved until the very end. The boy who defended him along the school corridors, the boy who shouted his love for him on the top of a hill, the boy who dabbed away Euijoo’s tears even as his own heart was breaking. He loved as he breathed, and breathed as he gave.
And Euijoo had the gall to say that Nicholas hadn’t tried.
“Oh,” is all that Euijoo managed to gasp out, before he burst into tears.
nico
i js woke up
where’d u go
did u leave
euijoo
yeah
went home
sorry
i didn’t know if u wanted me to stay
nico
i was looking for you
how r ur eyes
mine r so puffy
i look like i hv eyeshadow
euijoo
if u put a spoon in the fridge it’ll help depuff
nico
did we have to break up
it just feels like giving up after everything
euijoo
i’m sorry
i just want you to be happy
nico
but i was happy
i thought we promised to work thru these things
euijoo
yeah but
i don’t think any amount of talking could change this
nico
then things would be better
idk in my head things wld just work out like they always did and we cld find that nice apartment for the cacti and everything would be fine idk
euijoo
i really wanted to fulfill that dream with you too
i really wanted the house with you
and the cacti and plushies
nico
cant we just try a little more
euijoo
nico
if we tried a bit more we wld want to take more than that
and at some point it would hurt us both
like irreparably
i love you and treasure the relationship we had and all the effort we put in
but at some point one of us has to say that we have to let go
because in the long run it’s better for us both
and if that has to be me then i’ll do it
i love you and i don’t want you to have to change because of me
nico
we’ve hurt each other before what makes this different
i thought we were supposed to work it out
i’m the happiest with you
euijoo
i’m sorry
nico
not ur fault
but i’m sorry
i know you said just now that you wanted us to become friends
but i don’t think i’ll ever be able to move on if we were
euijoo
oh
okay
if u need the time
nico
yeah
i think we should take some time off from each other to heal
euijoo
if that’s what you want
but anytime u need im here
nico
okay
thanks
-Last message received: 3 years ago-
“Fuck,” Euijoo threw his phone on the bed. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
The years had flown by before he’d known it. He’d done his military service and landed a place in some Korean company. His parents had congratulated him, boasting about how successful their son was to the rest of the family. Euijoo had never felt so hollow.
As far as he’d heard, Nicholas had gone back to Taiwan once he’d received his enlistment letter. It’d been a completely cold case from there. Whatever he was doing in Taiwan, Euijoo hoped he was happy.
It wasn’t as though Euijoo had searched very hard, though. After the breakup he’d started using his social medias less and less, until one day he just stopped using them entirely. His old accounts were fossils of the past, some kind of digital diary that he refused to update. He didn’t tell anyone about his life, and in return, he knew nothing about anyone else’s.
The rest of their friends had moved back to Japan, which had been expected, given that they were Japanese, but Euijoo couldn’t help the lurch of betrayal that had come when they’d first broken the news to him. He’d remembered nodding blankly as Taki held his hands, inviting him to come visit their cafe if he ever visited. Someone had thrown out something about keeping in touch. He couldn’t remember anymore.
And then… nothing.
He went to the company in the morning. He returned home at night. Ate dinner, took a shower, and drank a little. It’d been a habit that he’d picked up during his military service, when all of them just needed a little indulgence to cope. It was this or cigarettes, really. He didn’t have many choices of poison.
The thing is, he didn’t even like alcohol. He hated the burn, hated the aftertaste, hated the way it made his head spin in the mornings. But it gave him a momentary reprive. When he was down two bottles, his mind was quiet, for once. There was no Nicholas or hurt or pain. He was floating off, off, and away, and the worries of the world couldn’t hurt him. But every morning he would come plummeting down, retching his guts out in the toilet.
He hated thinking about Nicholas. The memory was nothing but a gun to his head, a slow-acting poison that threatened to consume him. Yet he couldn’t help it. Love was insolent and refused to behave. He would see a headscarf and think about how much Nicholas would like it. He’d see a sale on strawberries in the supermarket, and it would take him another 20 minutes of idlly walking around to finally take the fruit out of his basket and put it back on the shelf. Silver rings. Clothes draped on mannequins. Black cats. Cacti. Red hair. Plushies. Skirts. Chinese characters on his textbook. Beanies. Loud laughter from across the road. Sunglasses. Little kids. Beef noodle soup. Cameras. Korean characters in messy handwriting. Eyeliner. A voice saying, “I love you”.
Euijoo lifted the bottle and finished it off in one fell swoop.
He stared at the empy bottle blankly. Maybe he should get up and throw it away, along with the pile of other bottles that he’d thrown in a corner. Maybe he should clean his house and eat some food. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d done either of those things.
A loud bang on the door interrupted his thoughts.
Euijoo frowned. He hadn’t expected any guests today — or ever, actually. He’d never invited anyone over. Only a handful of people knew his address, mainly for legal reasons. Stumbling over to the peephole, he squinted.
“Euijoo!” Yelled Kei from outside, as Taki continued banging on the door. “I know you’re here. Open up!”
Kei sounded angry, Euijoo’s alcohol-addled mind told him. Better not let him in. He’ll just get angrier at the state of the house. Petulantly, Euijoo turned up his nose. “No!”
The pounding paused. “No?”
“Go away!” Euijoo yelled. His voice cracked in the middle. Damn. Apparently soju couldn’t parch his throat. How long had it been since he’d drunk water? “You’re not real, anyway. My friends wouldn’t come visit. You can’t trick me.”
There were sounds of mumbling outside, before Taki’s voice rang out. “Hyung, if you’re standing at the door, move back.”
“What?”
A horrific screech of metal sliced through the air.
“Taki, what the hell —” But it was too late. With a loud burst, the lock on Euijoo’s door fell apart, metal clanking as it hit the floor. With one final kick, the door swung open, nearly nailing Euijoo in the face.
“Takayama Riki,” gasped Euijoo, clutching his chest as he panted in shock. “What the fuck?”
“No, yeah, this was absolutely not the plan.” Kei was as frozen as Euijoo was. “Taki, is this why you told me you had to stop at the hardware store before we came here?”
Taki shrugged, flipping the hammer in his hand. “I mean, I did need a hammer for our toolbox back home. It just so happened to be… multi-functional.” He smiled a little too wide for someone who’d just committed property damage. “Hi, Euijoo-hyung. I’m gonna ransack your home now, if that’s okay.”
Euijoo watched, dazed, as Taki skipped into his home and disappeared into his bedroom. Turning back to Kei, he blinked slowly. “What is… why are you guys here?”
Kei slipped off his shoes and gingerely closed the broken door behind him. “Well, we wanted to check in on you. We realised that none of us had heard from you for months, and we got worr—” He frowned as he leaned closer to Euijoo. “Joo, why do you smell like alcohol? Are you drunk? It’s ten in the morning, how are you drunk already —”
“Does it matter?” Euijoo sighed as he turned to walk to his bedroom — or, at least, he tried to. He stumbled, and Kei rushed forward to catch him before he could face-plant on the floor. “Didn’t w’na think. Not a big deal.”
Kei was silent for a moment. “Let’s get you to your room,” he finally spoke. “I have something I want to ask you.”
When they finally arrived at Euijoo’s bedroom, Kei half supporting Euijoo as his head lolled to the side, Taki was there, waiting. He held up Euijoo’s phone. “Euijoo,” he began. “What’s this?”
Euijoo peered closer. The chat log of his last conversation with Nicholas stared back. Oh. He must’ve forgotten to close it. His head still felt foggy, and he let himself roll onto the bed, facing away from the other two. “What does it look like?” He muttered. His eyes began to feel misty. “Fucking hell. Dead ghost couldn’t leave me alone.”
The mattress dipped behind him. “Euijoo,” Kei ran his hand through Euijoo’s greasy hair, and Euijoo tried not to lean into the touch. “I’m not going to ask you to tell us everything now, but… damn. You’re really not well. You can’t stay here like this, you know that. Has no one come to visit you? Friends? Family?”
“I don’t talk to my parents anymore.” Euijoo pressed his face into his pillow as he spoke. “Couldn’t forgive them. Doesn’t matter anymore.”
The hands in his hair stilled for a moment, before resuming their brushing. “Then maybe you’ll like what we have to say. We made a friend recently — his name’s Fuma, you’ll like him — and the company he’s working at has a job opening. You could move to Japan. Come live with us. All of us miss you, you know. We were wondering where our lovely Euijoo had gone.”
Euijoo wanted to fight back, to call it a lie, but all that escaped was a yawn. “Okay,” he mumbled sleepily. “Sounds good. Do whatever you want.”
“We’ll talk more when you wake up, okay?” The hands left his head, and Euijoo had to bite back a whine of protest. “Sleep now. We’ll be here when you wake up.”
There is a moment of limbo between sleep and consciousness, where the mind drifts to odd memories of the past. Today, as Euijoo’s eyelids fluttered shut, he remembered Nicholas and na-kwa-yu-su. Mutual love.
The same word in Chinese — 落花流水 — meant to be utterly defeated. They’re both so different, even with the same characters. Maybe they’re all wrong. Maybe they’re all correct. Maybe to love was to be completely and utterly destroyed, leaving in its wake a mass of rubble and devastation.
At the end of the day, they were simply falling flowers in flowing water. The blossom wished to fall and float on the water, and maybe, sometimes, the water would welcome it kindly. Sometimes the current would pull it under. Sometimes they wouldn’t. Life was odd that way. All Euijoo could do was clasp his hands together and pray for the current to sweep him back into Nicholas’ path. Even for a moment, even if only in a dream. Euijoo would take what he could get.
“I know this isn’t the advice that you want to hear,” Taki began, once Euijoo’s sobs had subsided. “But I really think you should talk about this with Nicholas.”
Euijoo stared at Taki incredulously. “Why would I do that? He’s moved on. He’s well now. He doesn’t need to know.”
Kei raised an eyebrow. “Do you believe it, or are you just scared to talk to him?”
A lump formed in Euijoo’s throat.
It’s the worst paradox to have ever graced Euijoo. If he loved Nicholas less, he would’ve never let him go. If his heart ached less he would be able to talk about it more. But Nicholas did not deserve to be loved any less. He deserved every inch of Euijoo’s heart and soul and more. So, so much more.
Of course he was afraid. Of course he didn’t want to talk to Nicholas. Because to talk to Nicholas would be to bare his soul and admit his own failure. No, I haven’t been well. No, I’ve never moved on. No, I still love you. Wouldn’t that just be a burden on Nicholas? And Nicholas, kind and gentle as ever, would be concerned for him. He’d feel so guilty for Euijoo’s voluntary torture. Euijoo couldn’t make him do that.
“Hey, you never know,” Fuma shrugged in a way that was trying to be nonchalant. “Maybe he still likes you, too. He loved you all those years ago when you were growing up. It’s not impossible.”
Euijoo sniffled. “But I’ve changed. I’m someone else entirely. I don’t know who I am anymore.”
“That’s okay.” The soft strokes of Kei’s fingers carding through his hair make Euijoo sink further down, boneless. “You haven’t lost who you are. You’re still Euijoo, just a different one. That’s okay.”
But that was still a problem, wasn’t it? At the end of the day he was still changed. All he knew was that Nicholas had once loved the Euijoo of the past, had found something worth staying for in the old version of himself. He didn’t know if it existed now. Did the Euijoo of today hold any use anymore? What if Nicholas looked at this new Euijoo, over-steeped in grief and self-inflicted heartbreak, and said you aren’t the person I knew, you aren’t the person I loved. I don’t recognise you. Who are you? Euijoo thinks that might break him.
It is so, so hard to not live in the past when everyone he’d ever loved was there. When it was a time of safety and comfort and peace. When he was someone untouched by hurt, someone who could still be loved. The memories are like a soft blanket, drifting over him and tucking him snugly. Eventually, as it always did, nostalgia grew claws and tore at his mind, but for a brief second he could breathe. He could inhale without his throat tightening, the cool air filling his lungs before he was dragged down again.
Perhaps that was as good as it was going to get.
He didn’t know when his eyes had fallen shut, but the next thing he knew, sunlight was streaming through the small window. He rubbed his swollen, puffy eyes and sat up. After a quick trip to the bathroom to wash up, he sniffed the air. There was a faint smell of something sweet in the air, warming up the apartment with its fragrance.
A slow walk to the living room showed Kei, Taki and Fuma all seated, digging into pancakes. Taki perked up as Euijoo blearily shuffled towards them. “Oh, you’re up! Let me get you a plate. I accidentally made too many pancakes.”
As Taki brought out a plate piled with fluffy pancakes, Euijoo slipped into his seat. They spent a good few minutes in silence, with only the occasional sounds of clinking cutlery ringing through the air.
Fuma was the one to break the silence. “So what are you going to do now?”
Euijoo shrugged. “I don’t know. I left the house after arguing with him. He overheard that I’d said I regretted our breakup, and he got angry, so I ran away.”
Taki dropped his spoon. Kei and Fuma turned to stare at Euijoo, wide eyed.
“You fucking fool,” Kei grabbed Euijoo by the shoulders and began to shake him. Startled, Euijoo let himself be yanked around like a rag doll. “Are you serious? You’ve been crying in our house this entire time when he’s been waiting for you?”
“He’s probably not waiting for me, he was just angry —”
“I can’t do this.” Taki buried his head in his hands. “How dare you sit in my home and eat my pancakes and tell me that rubbish in the same breath? Pack up your things. We’re sending you back.”
Euijoo’s mouth dropped open. “Excuse me?”
“You’re excused.” Kei began shovelling his pancakes in his mouth. “I’ll send you back. Make sure you won’t escape.”
In a flurry of motion, Euijoo was bundled out of the house, phone and keys in hand. Kei was waiting outside, small purse in hand. As they made their way down the road, he sighed. “The two of you are seriously more alike than you think.”
Euijoo tilted his head. “What do you mean?”
“Have you ever asked Nico why he came to Japan?” Kei walked a few paces in front before turning around. “Or why he went out to sleep with other people? A lot of both your problems would be solved if you two would just talk, you know.”
Euijoo let the silence linger for a few blocks. “But it’s scary.”
“If it wasn’t worth fighting for, it wouldn’t be scary.” Kei sighed. “Look, just — promise me that you’ll talk? Properly?”
Swallowing, Euijoo nodded. “I’ll try.”
They reached the lift landing of Euijoo’s apartment. Kei turned and pulled out a tupperware. “This is from Taki. Some pancakes for you to share. Don’t waste it.” With one final shove, he pushed Euijoo into the waiting lift. “Now go.”
Euijoo hit the lift button. As the elevator slowly rose, he stared down at his hands. The container was in one, and his phone was in the other. He tapped the screen and watched it burst to life.
There was a long list of missed calls, starting from the night before. They were a mix of Nicholas and Kei and a few of the others, too — Harua and Jo had fired a few calls of their own. He scrolled past them and watched the messages roll out.
The group chat had come to life in the time he’d been out of commission. Nicholas had sent an SOS, and the rest of their friends had frantically tried to locate him. It wasn’t until Taki had eventually sent a message —Don’t worry, we found him, he’s staying with me and Kei and Fuma — did the worry recede. Immediately after, the younger ones had started making fun of Kei and Fuma for staying in the same apartment. Euijoo had to bite back a smile.
He shot off a message to the chat, apologising for making them worry, before scrolling down. There were a few messages from the others, but most of them had come from Nicholas. With a deep breath, he opened the chat.
Where are you? The thread began. Send me your location. It’s late. It’s dangerous to be out right now. Where are you even going to stay? He scrolled down a little more. I don’t understand you. You said some weird things. I don’t get it. What did you mean pretending to care for you? Did it look like I was pretending? And then, a little after the time Kei had found him, I’m sorry if I was too harsh. Come back. We’ll talk it out later. I’m glad you’re safe.
I’m not angry. I promise.
The elevator doors opened. Slowly, Euijoo tucked his phone into his pocket and made his way down the corridor. He’d reply Nicholas later. Right now, all he had to do was get home, eat something, and maybe plan what he’d tell Nicholas later —
He had barely put his key in the lock when the door swung open. Nicholas, eyes dark and face pale, stared grimly back at him.
“Oh,” Euijoo blinked, heart beginning to race. “Hi, Nico —”
Without a word, Nicholas grabbed Euijoo’s arm and yanked. Euijoo tried to tug it away, but it was no use. Nicholas’ vice grip was relentless as he dragged him to Euijoo’s room.
“Wait, Nico,” Euijoo gasped out as they squeezed through the doorway. “Wait, I —”
“Tough luck.” Nico slammed the door shut behind him and sat down in Euijoo’s chair. Euijoo’s eyes darted around as he got a grip on his bearings. They were in Euijoo’s bedroom. Euijoo’s bedroom. The one place Nicholas had been forbidden from going into. He slid one trembling fist behind him as he sat down on the bed. Oh god, what had Nicholas seen? “This has been long overdue, anyway. Let’s talk.”
This was all too much. In Euijoo’s mind, he would have a nice, long rest to think and collect his thoughts before having a calm and amicable talk with Nicholas. He’d plan what he would tell him, neat and organised bullet points, and they’d end things off with a nice handshake. This was no peaceful conversation. This was an ambush. “About… what?”
Nicholas shot him a deadpanned look. “Are you being serious?” When Euijoo shook his head mutely, he sighed. Reaching one arm towards the table, he grabbed a book and tossed it to Euijoo. “Let’s start here, then. What’s this about?”
It was his Chinese textbook. Swallowing, Euijoo stuttered, “It’s… a textbook.”
A long pause. Nicholas leaned back in his chair, tilting his head as if to say, what else?
“I picked it up after we… yeah.” Euijoo tried to shrug it as casually as he could as he set it aside. “Good to learn a new language. Useful for upskilling. Yeah.”
“Sure,” Came Nicholas’ voice, completely flat. “And you chose to learn traditional Chinese, even though it’s harder and fewer places use it. For upskilling.”
Euijoo threw his hands up in the air. “Well, what do you want me to say, Nico? I think it’s pretty obvious. Or are you just being cruel?”
“Maybe it’s mean, but I don’t care.” Nicholas leaned forward. Their eyes met, and Euijoo gulped as Nicholas’ eyes bore into him. “This whole time has been so confusing with you. I just want a straight answer for once. What the hell is going on?”
God, Euijoo wanted to scoff. I wish I knew, too. The past few months had been a non-stop game of tug-of-war with himself. To tell Nicholas or not. To grieve or not to grieve. To run or not to run. He’d told himself that he would shove it down for the rest of his life, but he was so tired. So exhausted. He’d endured years of being suspended in a limbo, trying to move forward but never quite being able to abandon the past. It had leeched the life from his body. Any more, and he would be nothing but skin and bones.
Maybe it was time for the flower to fall. Maybe it was always meant to be swallowed by the current. The momentary free-fall might be nice, at least.
“I’m sorry.” Euijoo turned his face away. In his periphery, he saw Nicholas scoot closer, but he refused to meet his eyes. “I tried, I really did. I told myself that if I saw you move on, then I’d allow myself to. But then you came here and I got greedy.”
“Greedy?” Nicholas’ voice was softer now, but confused. “What’s there to be greedy over.”
“Do you really need me to say it?” He thought that the past few days of crying would have made his tears dry up, but apparently not. Moisture started the bead at the corners of his eyes. “I love you. I haven’t stopped loving you. I knew I’d regret it the day I came to break up with you, but you deserved so much more than me and my family and all that shit that came with it. And I don’t expect you to —”
“Wait,” Hands reached out to grab Euijoo’s shoulders. Dazed, he glanced up. Nicholas was staring back, eyes wide. “Euijoo, what are you talking about?”
Nicholas couldn’t be this mean, could he? Playing with Euijoo’s heart as he split himself in two? “Isn’t that what you were asking about?”
“Yes. No. Wait.” Nicholas leaned back in his chair, eyes never leaving Euijoo. He took a deep breath. “Okay. Let’s go slowly. What does any of this have to do with your parents?”
Euijoo clasped his hands together and looked down. “They just… they kept saying things about our relationship, and one day I realised that they were never going to accept us, and I didn’t want to hurt you because of the people around me like that. I knew how important family was to you, and I couldn’t give you that.” Saying this out loud felt like rattling off a checklist, one that he’d long since concocted in his mind. He frowned. “Wait, if you didn’t know about my parents, then why’d you think we broke up?”
“I thought you’d realised that I was too much to handle.”
Euijoo’s head shot up. “What?”
“Wasn’t it?” Nicholas shrugged, but he turned his head away. Euijoo’s eyes followed the movement of his hand as it slipped into his pocket. “I mean, the whole time in our relationship I just kept taking. I’d go out, meet friends, and I’d take for granted that you’d be at home waiting for me. I thought you’d realised that I was too much to take, but you were too kind to tell me to change, so we broke up. It made sense.”
Euijoo had never felt his heart drop so quickly.
“No, no, no.” He reached forward, grasping Nicholas’ elbows. He tried to angle his face to catch Nicholas’ eye, but Nicholas stubbornly turned away. “Nico — it was never about you. You did all that you could. It was me and my family. My parents would’ve never accepted you, no matter what you did. I thought that you never getting the happy family that you wanted would be too much.”
Nicholas’ eyes were still downcast, but Euijoo could hear him mumble, “So it wasn’t me?”
Shaking his head firmly, Euijoo squeezed his arm. “Never. I couldn’t stand thinking that you’d be hurt because of me. I thought, between your happiness and mine, you being happy was the most important. So I let you go.”
There was a long pause. Anxiously, Euijoo kept rocking Nicholas’ arms lightly, while Nicholas continued to stare at the floor. How did Euijoo mess it up so badly? How had he managed to leave Nicholas thinking that it was his fault, for all these years?
“I thought,” Nicholas’ voice was so small. “I thought — you were just too kind. And when you said you wanted us to be friends that was you trying to be kind to me, too. So I thought I was doing you a favour by going no-contact, because, well, you’d never have to see me again, right?” He barked out a wet laugh. “And I couldn’t understand why you were being so hot-and-cold with me when I came here. I thought you’d hate me for sure. But you looked out for me, cooked for me, and then you ran away every time I tried to ask. I just had to know if I was reading it all wrong.”
“I was just scared.” Euijoo swallowed. His hands were still wrapped around Nicholas’ arm. He hoped he couldn’t feel them trembling. “You said you wanted to be friends, and I was terrified you’d find out about how I felt. So I ran away.”
“Okay.” A shallow, shaky breath. “So you like me?”
Euijoo had never moved back so quickly. His hands immediately left Nicholas, curling back towards himself as he grasped the hem of his shirt. “Um, you don’t have to worry about that. Haha. Just ignore it. Really —”
Nicholas inched closer. “Wait, Joo, I’m not —”
“Wait, wait, let me finish.” There had been so many days after their breakup when Euijoo had played this out, what he would tell Nicholas if they ever met again. He hadn’t had the guts to say it out loud before, but right here, with all his cards on the table, it was now or never. “I really do like — love, you. I think I have all this time. But I know you don’t like me back — which is okay!” he added hastily, glancing up momentarily at Nicholas, who was frozen in place. He let out a small, sad laugh. “I know I drink too much and I’m not really the Euijoo you liked anymore. I get it. And you really can ignore all of this. I’ll be okay, I promise.”
He tried to ignore the beat of his heart, thudding louder with every passing second. “I mean, if you walked out right now, I’d find a way to live nicely. I’m just glad I got to meet you again. But it really would be nice if you could, maybe, stay. Even if you just want to be friends. I’ll do my best. And if you just need a room to live in you can come here anytime. My door is open. But… yeah. Sorry. You don’t have to worry about it.” He tried to shoot Nicholas his most confident smile, but he could feel it wobble as his lips stretched. Sighing, he let his gaze drop to his lap. “That’s all. Sorry for making it awkward. I promise I’ve never hated you, okay? Okay. Maybe I should go —”
“You like me.”
Euijoo’s eyebrows furrowed. “I mean, yeah, that was the point of everything I just said — did you not hear me —”
“You like me,” Without warning, Nicholas launched himself off the chair and onto Euijoo’s lap. With a soft ‘oof’, they toppled backwards. Euijoo’s arms instinctively wrapped around Nicholas’ torso. “You like me. Me? Really?”
Nicholas’ eyes were shining. A small flicker of hope lighted in Euijoo’s heart. “Yes, I mean, why wouldn’t I?”
At that statement, Nicholas sobered. The shine in his eyes dimmed, and they darted away as he sat up straight. “Uh, okay. Maybe there are a few things I’ve been keeping from you, too.”
“Nico, nothing you say could make me love you less.” Euijoo lifted one hand to brush Nicholas’ bangs out of his face. “It’s okay. Just tell me.”
“It’s really, really not very good, though.” Nicholas swallowed. “Um. After we broke up, I kept sleeping around with strangers. Like, I just started, and then I kept doing it. It got so bad that Yuma, Jo and Maki had to stage an entire intervention.”
“Oh.” Euijoo frowned. He couldn’t help the pang of jealousy that shot through him, but he’d expected worse. He’d expected something truly life-altering, irreparable. The situation wasn’t as bad as Nicholas had made it out to be. “Okay. Why’d you do it, though?”
“I missed you a lot,” Nicholas leaned his head on Euijoo’s shoulder, face facing away. “I just got so lonely sometimes. And when they’d touch me I could pretend it was you, for a while. But I’d always miss you even more afterwards. It was nice to be… liked, I guess, even if was just for my body. It was the closest I was getting to feeling something.”
“Nico,” Euijoo turned to rest his cheek on the crown of his head. “Nico, why would I be mad about that? I still love you. Why wouldn’t I?”
“You’re not?” The retort that came from Nicholas was barbed. “Didn’t you hear what I just said? I’m a whore, Euijoo. Did they ever tell you why I needed a place to stay? I lost my job, and I couldn’t pay rent. There’s literally nothing you could possibly gain from being with me.”
All of a sudden, Euijoo felt so incredibly angry. Nicholas’ words had lit a fire inside of him, and he didn’t know what to do with it. “You want to compare?” He shoved Nicholas. “Fine. I drank so much that Taki had to break down my door, and all the bar owners in this area have Kei on speed dial in case I black out. Again. I fought so hard with my family that I haven’t talked to them in years. I haven’t been doing well either, Nico, but fuck, you make me better. These months of you being around have been the best I’ve been in years.”
“But all I’d be doing is taking —”
“Then take what you want!” Euijoo yelled back. “If you want to stay home all day, I can cover both of us. If you want to work on your fashion line I’ll get you whatever materials you need. If you want to walk out, take what you want and go. But don’t you dare leave out of some stupid self-sacrifice. We’ve had enough of that to last a lifetime. I love you, I-Hsiang. Do you want me?”
“I do,” Nicholas gasped into Euijoo’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, I just didn’t think you’d want me ever again. I’m sorry, Juju. I love you, too.”
Breathing heavily, Euijoo pressed his forehead to Nicholas’ neck. All the burn and ache had bled from his system, and for the first time in years, he let himself exhale. It’d been so long since he’d held Nicholas like this, heart to heart and skin to skin. They may have changed, but the second they came back together, it was like puzzle pieces slotting into place. Years apart, and they still fit so perfectly against each other. Euijoo had no idea how he’d possibly gone this long without his other half.
This was like a dream come true. For so many nights Euijoo had stared out of the window, watching the petals fall. He’d stared longingly at other people with their seemingly-perfect relationships and wonder why he couldn’t have that, too. For the longest time, he couldn’t even look at a wedding gown without having to excuse himself. His whole world had been so tightly intertwined with Nico, Nico, Nico that it was impossible to separate.
A small sob cut Euijoo off in his thoughts.
“Nico?” Euijoo said, alarmed, as he felt the telltale damp soaking through his shirt sleeve. “I-Hsiang, what’s wrong?”
“I just, how much time did I lose with you?” Nicholas voice was raw with grief. He burrowed his head deeper into the crook of Euijoo’s neck. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this earlier? I missed out on so much time with you.”
“I’m sorry.” Euijoo let his hands drop to Nicholas’ waist, slowly running up and down his back as Nicholas continued to cry. “I missed you, too. But we’re here now, okay? I’m here.”
Re-dating Nicholas was, somehow, also a learning curve.
There were so many things that were the same. Nicholas waking up as late as possible. The way Euijoo left his clothes in the bathroom, always forgetting to bring them out with him. Them playfully fighting over who would do the laundry for the week, a chore they both hated. It was just so tedious. More often than not, though, they’d end up doing it together.
The problem was that there was also so many things that were different now.
It was to be expected. They’d gone through different experiences and faced hardships of their own before coming together. They’d grown and (hopefully) matured as adults. Their tastes changed. Heck, even Nicholas occasionally ate vegetables now. Life was unpredictable.
It did take a while to get used to, though.
“I just don’t always sleep the best,” Nicholas admitted, the first time Euijoo had suggested they sleep in the same bed. “I, uh. Get nightmares sometimes. It makes sleeping next to me a bit of a hazard.”
“Nightmares?” Euijoo frowned. “I don’t remember you having those. When did it start?”
Nicholas looked away. “Well,” he began tentatively. “Actually, the day we broke up, you left my house when I was asleep. So, after that, sometimes… yeah.”
Euijoo was determined to sleep in the same bed as Nicholas that night.
Nicholas hadn’t lied. Midway through his sleep, Euijoo was jolted awake by the tossing and turning of the body next to him. Blearily, he patted around until he felt a lump underneath him. “Nico?”
A small whimper broke through the silence.
“Nico, hey, wake up,” Desperately, Euijoo shook his shoulder. “I-Hsiang, wake up. It’s just a dream.”
It took Euijoo a great deal of frenzied shaking to finally snap Nicholas out of his nightmare. “‘M sorry,” Nicholas sniffed as he tried to hide his face in Euijoo’s stomach. “I know you have to get up early. You can go sleep in the other room, if you want.”
“Why would I do that?” Euijoo pressed a kiss to Nicholas’ forehead. “I want to be here. I love you.”
Euijoo was no saint, either. If anything, he had it worse. Who knew that reconciling with your ex would make it so difficult to talk, sometimes?
Euijoo couldn’t lie. Knowing that Nicholas had slept with other people made him a little nervous — not because he was shaming him, of course not, but now there were standards. Points of comparison. When they’d first gotten together they’d been each other’s first, but now things were different. Nicholas had probably had experience with all these cool, suave people who were more fun and adventurous than Euijoo could ever be. Of course, Nicholas himself had reassured Euijoo that he didn’t remember any of them, that they’d been nothing special to him, but still. The idea lingered in Euijoo’s head.
He’d avoided the topic of sex for as long as he could, still a little embarrassed at how much he’d struggled at it in their time apart. Nicholas avoided it, too, but his seemed to be more out of respect for Euijoo than anything. After all, it was Nicholas who’d ended up pulling Euijoo down on the bed one day, kissing him hard as one knee came up to press between Euijoo’s legs.
Euijoo couldn’t help the moan that escaped him. As one hand dragged to the nape of Nicholas’ neck, the other snaked down between them to run his fingers over the planes of Nicholas’ body. God, he truly was beautiful. So lovely. Euijoo couldn’t believe that he was his. He let his hands wander, and his fingertips tweaked his nipple as he grazed past it. The whine that Nicholas let out was music to Euijoo’s ears.
Euijoo’s brain went hazy after that. One moment they were kissing, the next moment Nicholas was shucking off his clothes, letting them haphazardly fall to the ground. He smirked as he swung one leg over Euijoo’s waist, straddling him. “What’s wrong?” He whispered in Euijoo’s ear. “You’ve been so quiet. Cat got your tongue?”
In response, Euijoo pulled him in for another kiss, and prayed that Nicholas would not notice the tremble in his hands.
Everything moved so quickly. They were making out, and then Euijoo had a hand around Nicholas’ for a second, and then Nicholas was laying against the headboard, two fingers pumping in and out of himself. He looks so beautiful, Euijoo’s mind whispered, but it was as if Euijoo was no longer there. At some point, he’d begun floating out of his body, mind hazy and disoriented. Watching Nicholas in front of him was akin to watching a movie on a big screen — you saw it all, heard it all, but only from a distance.
The final straw came when Nicholas pulled Euijoo down on top of him. He’d begged so nicely. How could Euijoo refuse? He let himself be pulled along, hoping that at some point, his brain would relent.
It never did.
He didn’t know what did it. Maybe it was the jolts of pleasure that shot through Euijoo with every movement. Maybe it was the dizzying fog in his mind. Maybe it was the memory of the last time he’d tried to jerk off, and how miserable he’d been. Whatever it was, it hit him all at once. Like a flip of a switch, it went from being good to being all too much.
“Juju?” Through the haze, he saw Nicholas frown and reach up to cup his face. “You’re crying. Are you okay?”
Euijoo couldn’t take it anymore. “Red,” he gasped out, the tears running down his cheeks. “Red, red, red.”
Hands reached up to cradle him, and slowly, he was flipped over, back gently hitting the bed. There was a soft press against his temple, and Euijoo let his eyes rest shut. When he next came to, he was lying in bed, swathed in blankets. Nicholas sat down next to him, hands slowly smoothing over Euijoo’s hair. His face was scrunched up in concern. “Euijoo, what happened?”
“Sorry,” Euijoo played with Nicholas’ fingers. “I didn’t tell you. I couldn’t do any… anything in the time we were apart. It just kept making me feel sick. Probably just a mental thing, though. I’m sure I’ll get over it.”
“You idiot,” Nicholas intertwined their hands. “You have to tell me these things next time, okay? We can take it slow. It’s okay.”
“Isn’t it frustrating, though?” Euijoo pressed his cheek to their clasped hands. God, he loved holding Nicholas’ hand. It always made him feel so grounded, so alive. “That you’ll have to keep waiting for me to… figure this out?”
“I’d wait as long as you need.” Nicholas’ voice grew gentle. “Trust me, okay? This won’t turn me away at all.”
Euijoo exhaled. “Okay. I trust you.”
On weekend mornings, Nicholas liked to drag Euijoo to the market.
In the span of a few months, he’d somehow made friends with all the aunties at the market. Euijoo remembered watching, wide-eyed, the first time an old lady had come up and whacked the back of Nicholas’ leg with her cane to get his attention. Nicholas had then haggled with her to buy the cloth he liked for half the price. What a wondrous world the market was.
Today, the clouds were gloomy, but Nicholas had insisted that it wouldn’t be a problem. “It’d be quick,” He’d whined, tugging Euijoo towards the door. “We need some stuff for later, anyways.”
The later he’d been referring to was a small gathering for their friends at Euijoo’s apartment. It would be the first time they’d gathered there, and for some odd reason, they’d been so incredibly excited about it. Harua had asked if he should bring anything (“Anything except alcohol, Harua, you know the rules”), and Kei had joked about bringing the old gifts he’d bought years ago for their eventual engagement. At least, Euijoo thought he was joking. He never quite knew with Kei.
Unfortunately, no amount of speed could stop the weather. By the time they’d exited the market, the rain was a full-blown downpour. None of them had the foresight to bring an umbrella, and, as Euijoo turned to look at Nicholas helplessly, he couldn’t help but laugh.
As they ran in the rain, fingers intertwined, Euijoo let his mind wander. Maybe it was a sign of his age, but Euijoo found such a thrill in doing small, simple things. Like washing the dishes, or running errands. These days, even the little things held their own small light, illuminating Euijoo’s life with a ferocity like never before.
Or maybe it’s because he’s doing them with Nicholas.
Euijoo can’t give him the world. He can’t protect him, shield him from the wrath of the people around him, keep him safe and happy for all time. He’d tried. It never worked.
So Euijoo says — fuck it.
Screw everyone else. Screw the universe and its cruelty. He has — and will only — be guilty of one crime: Loving. The world could try to take everything he’d ever loved and yearned for, but they could not take away this moment. His lover, standing mere centimeters away. His heart, reaching out to clasp their hands together, fingers intertwining to weave themselves into one. His soul, tugging him along as they wandered down the streets together.
The rain hadn’t stopped pouring. Rivulets of rain ran down their faces, flowing water dripping down their arms and seeping into the fabric of their clothes. There were people staring, likely at the two lunatics who were oh-so casually walking in the rain. Euijoo could feel their stares. Perhaps, in the past, he might’ve cowered away and hid. Ripped his arm out of Nicholas’ grasp. He did it once — he’d severed all ties, turned his face away, and cracked his heart open to try to let him go. It didn’t work. It would’ve never worked. He has learnt as much.
Today, he resists the urge to flinch as he stares steadfastly forward, focusing on one thing and one thing only — the sway of the shock of black hair before him, locks curling around a sharp jaw. Around them, the trees sway in tandem, dislodging petals with every gust of wind. Two petals flutter down and land in a puddle, and the ripples of water sway them, slowly buoying them to each other.
If Euijoo had a choice — and he knows now, he does — he would never let the wind drag him away. He would never be the sunflower who would only turn to face the sky. If he had to choose between a distant blaze that gave light to all or the quiet brilliance of something that slotted into his chest like a missing puzzle piece, Euijoo wouldn’t hesitate.
The world could take everything else from him. Everything except himself. And Nicholas, undeniably, is a part of him.
“Come on, Juju,” A tugging on his arm snapped him back to attention. “I wanna go home. I told the others to only come at four, but they never listen. I bet Yuma will drag Jo here early just to piss us off.”
Euijoo stared down, heart fluttering the way it only did when Nicholas was around. It was as if his body knew what his soul always had, that his pulse would always skip and staccato to the rhythm of Nicholas’ laughter. It was inevitable, in the same way that nature was, except that this time it did not seek to destroy. Only build, and heal, and love in return.
“Don’t worry,” Euijoo laughed, even as he let himself be dragged along. “We have time.”