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Blind trust is what Yuuta values most in his relationship with Toge. The faith, the luck that one can leave themself as helpless as possible and face no consequences. Ever since they were young and in love, Yuuta had thrown all of his faith into his boyfriend, and Toge had done the same. Trust was a beautiful, sacred thing, worth more than words or gifts or time.
But, if his partner knew what Yuuta was really like, would he be so trusting?
Because even just feeling their skin pressed against each other, sleep sweaty and scalding, drives him so wild he can’t stop his hands from wandering everywhere they shouldn’t. Every heartbeat brought him a little closer to losing himself—all the skin, the heat, the trust.
Even as a young boy, Yuuta had been plagued with almost incurable insomnia. It didn’t matter what meds they put him on, he was always alert, waiting for something, anything to attack him. It ruined his life, to say the least, and left him an apathetic shell year after year. However, sleeping next to Toge put him at ease, dissolving the fear that something was just around the corner ready to eat him whole. All it created was a protective urge to keep his lover out of any and all possible danger. Which meant that, still, he didn’t sleep, too busy worrying about what might try to attack his lover next.
Yet he knows that in bed each night as Toge drifts off, the person he needs protection from is right behind him; the man holding him, tracking to see if he stirs when he presses his erection against his ass.
Yuuta wants to be a good man; a good man with a few perverted thoughts. But he can’t lie and write this off as “intrusive thoughts”, because they aren’t just thoughts, they’re impulses. They’re impulses he’s acting on, fully consciously, acknowledging that he could just get out of bed and deal with it himself.
But he’s shifting as little as possible to grab their lube off his nightstand, and slowly, gently ushering his partner’s sweats and underwear down. Toge doesn’t stir, probably because he trusts his boyfriend with his whole heart, and knows he can sleep soundly beside him. He takes a selfish moment to run his hands along the soft skin of his ass, to bathe in his greed before he takes advantage of that blind trust he values so much.
The click of the lube cap and the small, quiet hiss of air it lets out both make him panic, his heart racing. It thrashes against his sternum like it's ashamed to be part of this body—ashamed to be complicit in the brain that commanded it.
With his hand hovering by his partner’s bare ass, he hesitates. Don’t do this, just go into the bathroom and deal with it yourself. He doesn’t have to be part of this. You love him more than anything; why would you do this to him?
No amount of moralizing helps, because he’s able to press two fingers in with no resistance. Toge’s relaxed and defenseless, completely open and unflinching. A perfect version of him for Yuuta to use however he wants. The warmth of his insides almost makes him cry out, and he tempers his urge by lightly pressing his teeth to Toge’s shoulder.
“I’m sorry…” he mutters into his skin, setting a slow, relaxed pace to avoid waking him up. But still, his partner twitches as if he’s onto him, but doesn’t regain consciousness.
His fingers press deep, and even in his sleep, Toge seems to be enjoying himself. Little noises of satisfaction, hums and hitching breath, made Yuuta feel a little better about touching him in his sleep. Even though his boyfriend is almost entirely mute, he made plenty of noise during sex, which is just an added bonus of an already perfect man.
A third finger and Toge’s moaning in full, completely taken by blind pleasure. Yuuta wonders what might be going on in his head—will he think this is a dream? A pleasant fantasy destroyed when he wakes up wet and sore? Any way it goes will work for him, because Toge trusts him, no matter how horrible his instincts might be.
Until the last bit of resistance is gone, he slowly fingers his partner, the way he likes when he’s conscious, too. Yuuta almost laughs at himself; he’s been trained to only vie for Toge’s pleasure, not his own, even when he’s as selfish as ever. Then, when he’s loose and Yuuta’s impatient, he tugs down his own clothes, and blindly feels around to connect their bodies.
He struggles a bit, gracelessly grabbing at him and sliding against him, but eventually breaches his hole. Sighing, the relief is almost nauseating. The stress of waking up his partner made the strain of his erection fade to the background, but now that he'd gotten so far, this was all he could think about. Now that he’s inside him, there’s no looking back. After all, it feels too good to even consider stopping himself.
Toge whined and winced as he slipped deeper. He clearly isn’t asleep anymore, and Yuuta reckons with the fact that he has been caught. Worst of all, he knows he can’t stop, and he shamefully doesn’t want to stop.
Giving up, he buries his nose into the crook of his boyfriend’s neck, gritting out a moan as he bottoms out. “S- sorry, hon…” he sucks a mark onto his pale shoulder, “I- I’ll stop if you want…”
Instead of pushing him away, he just lifts a hand, waves him off to say Keep going. Yuuta knows how blessed he is, and his eyes prick, hating it, knowing he doesn’t deserve his trust.
“Ugh, I love you… I’m so sorry.” He thrusts, holding him by the hip and squeezing. Toge is all hot breath and small grunts, his nails dragging across the sheets.
The friction, the warmth of his body and his perfect insides made him even greedier. He’d never felt such a strange sense of ownership over someone—Toge was his, and he’d mark him from the inside out so nobody else would dare to touch him. So, he bites and sucks and fucks him so gently as if to keep apologizing for his sins.
Even in the dark, he sees the silhouette of Toge’s hands moving in front of him. Harder, he signs, and again, and again—an incessant request that Yuuta can’t bring himself to ignore. He picks up his boyfriend’s top leg, and snakes his other arm beneath his slim waist, and grabs his hard, leaking cock.
With more control, he’s able to give what his partner wants, shifting and thrusting so every movement is as deep as possible. He bites his lip, trying to suppress his whimpers and tears. It feels perfect: he’s warm, tight, soft. While he knows he should be ashamed of himself for taking advantage of his trust, he can’t pretend like he feels bad enough to stop.
Toge lets out a sharp, loud noise, one that Yuuta recognizes all too well. He continues to pump his fist, teasing the piercing on his tip and reveling in the way his thigh twitches with the stimulation. There’s nothing more in this world that he loves than this man, and there’s nothing more that he wants to do with the rest of his life.
His cock fits so perfectly inside his partner that it’s maddening. When Toge cums, his hole tightens and spasms, and the string of little sounds he lets out are so perfect and lewd that he thinks he might burn alive. Heat and sweat seethe from his skin, another sensation that made this feel too good to be moral.
“Sorry,” Yuuta feels like he’s about to weep, his subconscious heart knowing this is wrong before he does. “Sorry, I’m- I’m so sorry…”
Half asleep and half out of his mind, Toge turns his head as he’s fucked through his midnight orgasm. He presses his cheek to Yuuta’s, nuzzling into him, so full of affection it’s unconscionable. In a husk voice, tired and unused, he whispers:
“I… love it, Yuuta…”
The admission and the sound of his own name send him over the edge. He comes with his teeth in Toge’s neck, whimpering like an ashamed, guilty puppy in his ear. As he fills the man he loves to the brim, his cock buried and warm deep within him, he feels the guilt settle over him. The horror, the depression, the shame all swallow him whole. What has he done?
“I’m sorry, I’m s- so sorry, I’m-” tears threaten to fall into Toge’s hair, “I love you, I’m sorry…” More apologies spill from his throat; the fear and regret wading in his stinging eyes. He’s euphoric and high on his orgasm and he's a horrible, disgusting, perverted human who’s hurt the person he loves most.
Toge reaches back and paws at his lover’s hair, a nonverbal signal that undoubtedly means Shut the fuck up. He does, unquestionably. When he pulls out of his perfect insides, Toge turns to face him, grabs his face, and kisses him, passionate and rough and so in love it hurts. I love you, too.
Yuuta takes it upon himself to pull both of their pants back up, pretending he’s not grossed out by the mess of semen and sweat. Toge locks him in place with a leg over his hip, and falls back asleep immediately; he’s vulnerable and soft and puts all of his trust in Yuuta to protect him. Why?
Though, he only dwells on it for a fleeting moment before he’s drifting off himself, somehow peaceful in spite of all his sins.
The next morning, he wakes up to his partner still sleeping, curled into his chest like a soft, clingy kitten. His hair is wild and pale in the white sunlight, and Yuuta takes a long while to admire him in all his beauty. A soft, small nose, long lashes, symmetrical piercings through the low part of his cheeks and at the corner of his perfect, soft lips… He would do anything to protect him, to love him for as long as he’s allowed, and worship him until the day he dies.
But all he feels is guilt and love and grime. The itchy irritation of dried cum only makes him more miserable, a memory stuck and scalding on his skin.
He quietly slips from bed and starts a bath for them. Sighing as he stares at his sleeping lover, he’s so caught up in his affection that it makes his chest hurt. It’s a vapid acid that stings to the beat of his heart, and he thinks he might be struck down by God any second. Eventually, he scoops Toge from the sheets, met with many grumbles and wordless complaints as he begrudgingly wakes up.
They bathe in silence, though silence had never been rare for them; the quiet is their love in its truest form. Yuuta washes his drowsy boyfriend with the utmost care. Though, no matter how gentle he is, he knows he doesn’t deserve mercy, let alone forgiveness.
Once out of the bath, they migrate to their kitchen where Yuuta nurses a hot coffee, zoned out at the wooden grooves in the table. There's nothing in his head except for the end of his life, losing his dignity and his lover in one night. He feels gross, dirty, sinful—mostly because, to his core, he loved it.
Toge's hands are flapping in front of his face, garnering his reluctant attention. Suddenly, he was sitting across from him, frowning with a sad lilt in his brows. Why are you ignoring me? He signs before picking up his tea.
Yuuta grimaces, I’m not ignoring you, he signs back, purposefully averting his eyes.
You’re a bad liar. Stop ignoring me, please, it feels like shit. What’s wrong?
Sipping on his coffee, he stalls for a second too long, a heavy, conspicuous hesitation in his hands. Then, he fades, sulking and slouching. His hands are slow and shaky, I’m sorry for last night.
Toge squints at him. Why? I liked it.
Yuuta groans. I didn’t ask first; you were asleep, you couldn’t—
Stop it. We talked about you doing that a week ago, remember? I’m into it. He shrugs, completely unbothered by the situation at hand.
I feel awful. How can you trust me to sleep next to you after that?
Toge groans this time, and rolls his eyes. Yuuta, I told you—
But I totally took advantage of you! He cowers, hanging his head and scratching his neck.
Okay? It was hot. I enjoyed myself. I don’t think you took advantage of me. He pouts, glaring at Yuuta as he signs, I can’t believe you’re complaining about getting to fuck me in the middle of the night.
I’m not complaining, he whines, I just feel guilty.
Did you have a good time while you did it?
He freezes, and he knows he can’t lie while looking into his partner’s beautiful, abyssally brown eyes. Yes.
Good. So did I. He chuckles, obviously lingering over a memory. Waking up to that was a turn on. I love you, I trust you, and I promise you I had fun.
Yuuta suffers for a moment, unable to think of anything but how soft Toge’s body was, unmoving, vulnerable, and completely his.
Would you do it again if you weren’t afraid I’d be mad?
If you don’t feel violated…
What did you like about it, Yuuta? He props his chin in his palm, smiling in the quiet, sweet way that Yuuta fell in love with so many years ago.
Now his face is furiously hot, and he instinctively averts his eyes. It felt like you were… mine.
He raises his brows, gloating, Go on…
Like you were my… He whines, struggling to choose the sign that fits the emotion best, …property.
Toge’s eyes flutter, and he briefly wipes his mouth, surprised. That’s hot.
Honey—
Then, Toge is on his feet, standing in front of him with a small grin on his pretty lips. He leans in, kisses him sweetly, and caresses his face. After a quick sigh, he signs, I’ll let you know before bed if I’m ever not okay with it. Any other time, just assume I’m yours.
He waltzes into the living room and flops on the couch as if it’s just an average Saturday morning, like he hadn’t just broken Yuuta’s entire brain in less than five minutes. All he can do now is follow his lover like a loyal dog and curl into his side, reveling in the warmth and love and blind trust they hold in each other.