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Lee Sangwon is known to be the warmth and gravity who can effortlessly pull people in and Anxin was no exception.He had no idea exactly at what point Sangwon became so important to him and if he puts it in another way, when Sangwon became the center of his life.
Anxin and Sangwon aren't dating. They aren't boyfriends. They aren't anything with a name.
They're just always together.
Everything started pretty casually without giving Anxin a warning where he was getting himself into. All of a sudden his life is all about late nights on the couch with sangwon's knee pressing into his thigh, fingers tracing shapes on Anxin's wrist absent mindedly while they talk about literally anything and everything.
Sangwon always has a hand on Anxin somehow a hand on his waist, fingers brushing his wrist, an arm draped lazily around him.
Anxin falls into it so easily, he falls into Sangwon's toxic trap. Somehow, Sangwon makes him feel chosen, makes him feel seen.
And whenever Sangwon looks at him with those dark, attentive eyes and says things like, "You're the only one who understands me," Anxin feels warmth bloom in his chest.
At first Sangwon's possessiveness feels flattering. When Anxin spends too much time with his friends, Sangwon gets quiet. He never gets angry, he never raise his voice but what he does is worse he shows his disappointment by giving Anxin silent treatment, by avoiding him , by ghosting him. And that hurts Anxin more than a scolding will.
One time Anxin wanted to spend his birthday evening at his parents house as his birthday falls on christmas day and Sangwon said "I guess i was wrong to think you'd rather be with me on your special day. It's fine,i hope you enjoy".The words might feel gentle but to Anxin it's like end of his world. The only thing Anxin hate is to make Sangwon feel left out. Even though their relationship has no name, they are not dating, they have no commitment to each other but deep down he knows how much he loves Sangwon and a life without Sangwon sounds like a nightmare. No matter how controlling Sangwon is, Anxin always find his way back to Sangwon.
Everytime Anxin avoids his other plans and friends, Sangwon rewards him with extra attention, an intense makeout session that makes Anxin dizzy. Sangwon's rewards feels so good, too good and soon it becomes a NEED.
Without realizing it, he begins organizing his life around Sangwon's moods.
If Sangwon is happy, the day is good.
If Sangwon is distant, everything hurts.
If Sangwon replies quickly, Anxin feels relieved.
If he doesn't, anxiety starts eating him alive.
Meanwhile, Sangwon keeps tightening the invisible leash.
"You don't need people who don't understand you."
"Nobody knows you like I do."
"You're safest with me."
And that's when Anxin starts to isolate himself from his friends, his whole world is now Sangwon. When his friends question, he would simply say they don't know the way Sangwon smiles at him, the way Sangwon makes him feel valued, how one encouraging word from him can make Anxin's entire week, how it feels when Sangwon would gently cup his face and say "You're everything to me Anxinie".
When Sangwon makes him feel like he's the only person in the world. So Anxin keeps choosing Sangwon. Until eventually there isn't much left to choose.
There will be days when Sangwon delibarately ignore Anxin, avoid his texts. And today is unfortunately one of those days. Anxin wasn't even listening to the lecture,he kept on checking his phone in hope to see a notification from Sangwon but there was none. The last text from Sangwon was exactly 12 hours ago.
Anxin's day started like any other day, actually better than any other day because the night before he spent at Sangwon's apartment as his parents were out of town. They had the best makeout session ever. Everything felt so good, Anxin couldn't had enough of Sangwon and Sangwon also returned those similar feelings.
They kissed each other good bye in front of Anxin's home,with Sangwon promising he will pick up Anxin next morning and they will go to uni together.
During breakfast Anxin texted Sangwon asking if he is already on his way and told him to eat something before leaving the house. Minutes passed but the replies never came. After waiting almost an hour and being late for his first lecture Sanghyeon dragged Anxin with him even though Anxin was refusing to go. Anxin knows if sangwon finds out he went to uni with someone else the aftermath will be nasty because last time when it happend Sangwon refused to talk to Anxin for weeks to the point Anxin had to beg on his knees for Sangwon to forgive him.
Just like the other days Anxin was trying not to panic but failed to do so, instead his appetite disappeared,he didn't go to canteen for lunch. He kept spaming Sangwon's inbox with endless apologies. Even though his friends tried to drag him to eat , he knows the food will taste like nothing,in times like this he even stops sleeping let alone having food.
And just like this the day passed by and he spends his entire night staring at old messages, rereading conversations, replaying voice notes just to hear Sangwon's voice. His phone becomes an obsession. Every vibration makes his heart jump.
Every notification that isn't Sangwon feels like disappointment physically punching him in the chest. Anxiety crawling under his skin. He tells himself he's overreacting. Tells himself he's being ridiculous. Yet the fear keeps growing.
What if Sangwon is tired of him?
What if he's found someone else?
What if he's leaving?
The thoughts become unbearable.
By the third day Anxin is crying without meaning to. Sleeping with his phone clutched against his chest. Whispering Sangwon's name in the dark.
His friends keep getting worried looking at his state, they can't believe someone like Anxin who used to be so independent, strong and smiley became like this. Now he is overly depended on Sangwon, he stops smilling if its not for Sangwon. His friends want him out from this toxic situationship or whatever nameless shit this is but Anxin is now fully obsessed with Sangwon. He would rather die than not being loved,touched and pampered by Sangwon.
Just when Anxin breaks completely, Sangwon returns. It has became a pattern by now. Sangwon knows very well what is Anxin's breaking point and at point it is easy to make Anxin feel more vulnerable, make him feel he is nothing without Sangwon.
Seeing Sangwon after 3 days, what Anxin feels is something so hard to explain. The relief he gets? It hurts. It genuinely hurts. It is like finally breathing after nearly drowning.
Sangwon's hand rested loosely around Anxin's waist, thumb tracing absent-minded circles through the fabric of his shirt.
Anxin apologizes over and over despite not knowing what he's apologizing for. "I am so sorry wonie, please don't leave me like that, just punish me. It hurts so bad when you are not around." Anxin says with his tears falling and a slight hiccup can be heard.
Without any words Sangwon leaned forward capturing Anxin's plump lips the kiss was slow and careful, surprisingly more affectionate than demanding. Anxin melted into it almost immediately, fingers curling into Sangwon's sleeve as if grounding himself there. Sangwon brushed a strand of hair away from Anxin's face before pressing another soft kiss to the corner of his mouth. Then another. And another.
Each one lingering slightly longer than the last.
Anxin laughed quietly, cheeks warm.
"Baby, i told you" Sangwon runs fingers through Anxin hair and Whispers softly," You need me." And the worst part is Anxin believes him. Anxin believes there is no one who can make him feel this way.
His knees nearly give out. His chest tightens.
Tears spill before he can stop them. He stumbles toward Sangwon desperately, grabbing onto him like a drowning man grabbing a lifeline.
Sangwon's hand slid up to cradle the back of Anxin's neck, fingers threading gently through his hair. The next kiss landed beneath Anxin's jaw. It was Soft and unhurried as if the clock stopped for them. Sangwon smiled against his skin before leaving another light kiss along the side of his neck, lingering there for a moment.
It was almost like a possessive way of saying I'm here.
Anxin tighten his grip on Sangwon as if he will lose Sangwon if he lose it even for a bit. Sangwon wrapped an arm around him and pulled him into his chest.He kept stroking Anxin's hair and said
"I am really here now " Then he move his arms to kiss Anxin's palms and put that on his own cheeks while staring into Anxin's pretty, wet eyes. Like he's rescuing him from a fire he helped start.
"You're everything to me," Anxin whispers.
The words are no longer desperate, they are no longer emotional. It sounds just like a truth.
Sangwon tilts his chin upward. "And you?"
Anxin searches for an answer. But there is nothing left to find. Because he wants nothing but Sangwon, he is not craving for an identity but for Sangwon's warmth. He has no desire in a life that exists separately from Sangwon. All he want
is the shape Sangwon has molded him into.
So Anxin smiles softly and answers the only thing he knows anymore. "I'm yours." With that Sangwon knows he succeed to fulfil his goal.
He knows somewhere along the way, without realizing it, Anxin stopped being Anxin at all. He became a reflection, a shadow , a person whose entire existence begins and ends with Sangwon.
And for the first time in a very long time, He doesn't feel afraid.
Because there is no longer a self left to lose.