Chapter Text
Rehman
The most annoying thing was when the money didn't match, I hate to begin a day with a mismatch. Hamza’s wedding had stalled our work for the last few days, the boys weren’t into working mode, and there were a few things that couldn’t be done without Hamza, or Uzair.
The day after walima, I went straight to the point, moneys. How much we spent, how much was the collection, what was pending, who were to be paid. Our karobar didn’t run with the kind of hisab a regular business had, so I had to keep that in mind.
And why did Uzair spent five thousand last night, I frowned, he got alcohol for the boys.. Apparently. I knew his standard reply would be, adjust from my money, Bhai. And a smile. But that isn’t the point.
Donga was here, I asked him.
“Bhai, aap bhi … ek adh din buss..”
I didn’t wake up Ulfat, let her sleep. She wasn’t being herself since the day I was kidnapped, or maybe since the day Naeem left. Either way, she should get more rest. But there she was, walking to the kitchen. The maid had made roti and gosht, I informed her. She said she was aware, and that some sabzi needed to be made. I knew that might not be the real reason. She didn’t trust anyone with food anymore, she sometimes threw away whatever was made, since that day, she just didn’t trust.
So when she mentioned sabzi, I had to remain quiet.
Where was Uzair? He wasn’t at breakfast, now it was lunchtime. I asked Ulfat.
“Uzair is asleep upstairs.”
I get it, last night was Hamza’s walima and everyone enjoyed and drank, but waking up in the afternoon was not justified.
“Is he sick?” I asked Ulfat again.
“You didn’t tell him anything when he was drinking? Last night?” her tone was bitter, I sat up, Donga sat up.
“Well.. I was drunk too, it’s once in a while..”
“Do you see anything that happens in the house?” Ulfat was now out in the courtyard.
“Mm.. I will sit with Faisal’s math..let’s talk to that tutor..” I wasn’t sure which topic she would raise.
Donga got on his feet, he just wanted to leave the scene.. It would be lunch soon so I let him go. They were scared of Ulfat being angry.
“It’s not about Faisal’s math.”
Ok. It must be something else that would be impossible to decipher now. I thought if she let all the servants back in it would be easier on her. She was paranoid about safety in the household since Akhlaq.
I went to the staircase and called for Uzair, but there weren’t any answers. So I climbed halfway up, stopped at the landing and called again.
After shouting his name a few more times, he appeared at the top of the stairs, hurriedly, his hair messy and eyes red.
Haan bhai? He was groggy and half asleep.
“Nothing, just wanted to make sure you wake up at lunch at least.”
It was strange why I didn’t notice all this while, but there were bits and pieces of crunch under my feet. What were these things? Broken bangles? I couldn’t tell. No, these were far smaller, sequins maybe. There were many scattered across the landing. A broom leaned against the wall, half a pile swept together. Maybe Ulfat had been cleaning this mess all morning, maybe that was why she was irritated.
What’s that, there was a piece of garment on the railing. I picked it up, looked like the jacket of a sherwani. It was heavy, embroidered.
“Ulfat, did you leave a jacket on the stairs?”
“Why would I leave a jacket on the stairs? Use some common sense, do you not notice anything?”
I shouldn’t have asked anything at all, I kept quiet. Ulfat was out of the kitchen again.
“You seriously don’t recall who was wearing it?”
“I still remember what you were wearing when we first met…”, I tried to lighten things up, and she was looking beautiful with in early afternoon sun.
“Allah.. Rehman, it’s.. Listen I don’t have time for .. Do you even know that Uzair was so drunk, Hamza dropped him off at home. He left his own walima to drop him off, which world do you get lost in?” She was waving the belan now, “last night Hamza was wearing this jacket with his Sherwani, look, it’s a groom’s attire.” She pointed with the belan.
Oh.. that’s. Well, but ..honestly, all sherwanis look the same and I didn’t notice who was wearing what. If someone asked me, I wouldn’t be able to say what Uzair was wearing.
“Well, but, I think you might even have asked him to do that favor.” Ulfat was still talking about the same subject.
“I told him? Honestly, I was speaking to Iqbal and Khanani and..”
“Oh, those men. Yes, I think Hamza was saying something like you told him to take Uzair home.”
I didn’t want to argue. I tried to soften it. “Ok, then next time he’s here, pack for him something nice, pack some extra for Yalina. If you want to call them for dinner you can do that.”
Ulfat went back to the kitchen. Maybe she accepted what I said, I couldn’t tell.
I picked up Hamza’s jacket. But it was difficult to pick up, for some reason it was coming apart, then I figured it out - the sleeves were ripped from the hem. The neck was ripped too, and torn all over.
“Did you guys fight or something here, “ I shouted at Uzair. No point, he could be taking a bath or brushing his teeth inside the bathroom he wouldn’t hear me.
I usually didn’t visit Uzair’s bedroom, we had most of the talks in the courtyard, or dining hall. Anyway we always interacted at work. There was something about visiting him there, in his room, I wasn’t sure if I’d call it guilt. Whatever there was with Samina, it didn’t work. I thought I was deciding the best for him, I still believe it was the best for him. The wedding was so good, a young bride and groom and a reputable family, and her father was supporting us in that rally at the time. Everything seemed to fall into place, Uzair was eighteen, he neither said yes nor a no, Ulfat kept telling me that she thought he was unable to reject because of me. I knew Samina was the only child, they wanted her to spend time with them. After the wedding, it wasn’t my place to question how much time she spent there, or how much time Uzair spent at home. However, after eight years when Yarsala was born I thought everything was now normal, but they just unofficially separated after that. She had hardly lived here more than a stretch of a few months. She visited in last Eid, I knew she was there every Eid, I wanted to count that as a positive.
I opened the door, he was in the bathroom. He should clean his room more, I thought, a pile of clothes there, another on the bed. Then, suddenly, the same crunch under my feet, it was really irritating. The same materials like on the staircase were here too, like broken glass bangles or sequins, I was no expert on these.
Oh! Uzair didn’t even fold the sherwani, Ulfat took care of my wardrobe, but I at least folded my expensive clothes after an event. I made a lame attempt at folding his sherwani, and the salwar.
What I saw made my brows furrow involuntarily. The yoke was snagged, but when I held the garment, there was something.. This is why I never entered my teenage son’s room, tch tch.. But Uzair’s no teenager. What gross, I dropped the garment as soon as I held it, white dried up stain. I picked the salwar, but there was the same thing, how could he ruin both.. I didn’t even get it. It was gross to think, if he had masturbated then how could he stain both the upper and the lower garment. That would be extremely clumsy. Nah, this wasn’t something I could theorize on or discuss, he was my brother and there had to be boundaries. It was my mistake coming inside unannounced, but I could someday talk to him about deen, and restraint, without giving him this context. And maybe we should as a family try to bring Samina back, a last attempt. I didn’t want to embarrass him, at the same time I thought he strayed from some path.
The water was still running in the bathroom, I thought I’d talk to him later.
I went back to the kitchen. Ulfat seemed to be angry at her pots and pans, stirring something fiercely over the fire, I embraced her from behind, my hands loose enough to not interrupt her work.
“It’s hot in the kitchen”.. she wriggled, trying to further loosen the already loose embrace.
“Tell me if we should have an air conditioner here.” I offered.
“Did you talk to Uzair?”
“He’s still taking a bath.” When some thought entered her head, she kept pursuing it, I got it that today this was her topic.
I was still unable to understand the source of her annoyance. I know we have been struggling since Naeem’s death, and then Akhlaq happened recently. I let her have her pir, her taweez, her difficult rituals and whims, I wanted her to have her peace. I knew she had been paranoid ever since and it was not getting better. Everyone coped in their own way, for me, I think the election win would be good for us and some might claim I’m bending over backwards for that. Otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten into Khanani and Iqbal and.. that boy Hamza, he wasn’t entirely wrong, what he said, but he could have put it differently and at a better time. Not that it would have changed anything. I had done enough for my community and I was still doing it.
About the violence, at least Iqbal gave me a reason to carry out the plan - for jihad. I corrected myself, it’s not for election what I was doing, it was for my imaan. A good deed. That’s what Iqbal said. Maybe he said whatever I wanted to hear, maybe he knew I was looking for an excuse and he threw a lifeline at me. Some scholars might say otherwise but that was not my concern as of now.
“It’s inauspicious.” Ulfat interrupted my train of thoughts.
“Which one?”
“First I got my toe cut in glass, on the stairs. Whatever was there on the stairs. “
“Ok.”
“Then my palm.. “
“Uff.. “, I made a sound of displeasure and moved away. I tried my best to not come across as dismissive, these old wive’s tales. And this exactly was what angered her the most when she thought I wasn’t serious about her complaints.
“Yes, you always.. always do that,” she was now coming apart.
“I have premonitions.” She continued.
Tell me which ones you have before Naeem’s death, I couldn’t say it, if I did she would leave me.
“It’s inauspicious when the groom leaves his walima.”
“This is also another one? Is it from your fathers side or mothers side?”
“The baloch have very good wisdom, every village has their own.. you don’t understand anything.”
“So? It’s inauspicious for Hamza. I get it. For the sake of this argument, tell me how it affects us?”
“Isn’t he tied to us now? Since the time he saved Faisal. Then he saved your life, that’s too much blood debt. He left his walima for us.”
“He just dropped Uzair off, they have been friends for years.”, I didn’t see her point at all.
“Why did you let Uzair drink, and get high in the function? To that extent?”
“He’s not a child Ulfat, I can’t allow or disallow things.”
“But you do control him otherwise. I think he was upset about something, idk what, he was trying to cope with something..”
“What?”
“If I knew why would i ask you.”
“Why are we discussing it.”
She was suddenly furious, I don’t know what I said. “What else would you discuss, Rehman? What do people talk about when they sit together? I need to talk about family, how I feel, how I think they feel..”
I didn’t answer her, for me there was no point talking about things that could not be fixed.
“Ok ok Ulfat, I hear you. I thought I would talk to Uzair about Samina, and his deen..”
“What about his deen?”
“Nothing just.. like drinking..” I didn’t say anything about the stains or what I thought he was privately doing.
“Yes, talk to him about his wife, they should get back together. And now Hamza would be busy with his family too. “
Something about putting those two facts together felt oddly specific. But yes, they are good friends, it might make sense.
Uzair
I waited for my brother to leave my room, something was telling me I messed up. I stepped out in a fresh kameez and salwar. I put everything away for laundry. Pointy beads prickled my feet and my eyes went to the floor.
Shit
That’d be my doing.
I didn’t give Hamza any time to take his clothes off, I had ripped them from him. Memories from last night tingled my skin, the things I did, I said, he did, words he whispered back to me. He cried when he came and we didn’t even have enough time so that I could hold him properly.
I thought I’d wake up early, l would check the mess. Neither did I imagine we made this kind of mess, and nor did I wake up.
Shit.
I sat at the dining table as quietly as possible. I hoped Rehman bhai would talk about work, and that’d be all.
Your bhabhi had a hard time in the morning, having to clean all the mess at the staircase. Did you guys fight or something?
Blood was draining away from my face, hope no one’s noticing.
Uzair, do you need chai?
No bhabhi, don’t worry about it.
Did you fight with Hamza? Rehman bhai was looking directly at me now.
I didn’t know what to say but if I keep staring like a fool any longer there’d be more trouble
I didn’t fight, bhai.. I was drunk and maybe I was not willing to go upstairs and he was just trying to take me to my room.. I was sweating up trying to make the story up. Best for me to keep it vague, I could always claim I didn’t remember. We didn’t rehearse anything that we would say.
You shouldn’t drink to the point that.. you were high, trouble is when you mix things.. Rehmsn kept nudging me while breaking his roti
I kept my head down and kept chewing.
“Are you doing your namaaz ?”
“Haan bhai.”
“You didn’t, today. Or last night.”
Tbh Rehman bhai rarely offers his namaaz unless it’s in public eye. But I knew better than raising that topic.
“Nah you drank something else too maybe, donga was saying that .. Hamza said you were sick from a drink.” Ulfat said from the kitchen.
It was best to say I didn’t remember. I wasn’t sick, and Hamza knew I wasn’t sick but he must have seen me crying. How many people might have noticed that Hamza left his own walima to drop me home? How long did he stay here.. long enough for us to do everything we did, and we even talked afterwards,
“Maybe, bhabhi, he would know better.”
“Do you speak to Samina? Rehman bhai was done with his lunch and was washing his hands.”
What line of questioning was this. I wondered.
“Yes, we talk about Yarsala’s school. They would be moving to Dubai, yarsala will get a better school there. Maybe an international curriculum. “
“There are such schools in Karachi too.”
Not this, not today…
“We talked about this, bhai.”
“We should always talk about family, it’s never a repetition. Why don’t you move to Dubai? I mean, you can, at least for a few years when yarsala is in school.”
“They have everything they need there and I have everything I need here.” If my voice was loud, if it sounded rude, I wouldn’t regret it.
“You can get married again.”
“Rehman, it’s not the time to talk about it,” bhabhi appeared trying to offer some more rotis, trying to pacify her husband.
“Khanani was saying that his niece was.. “
“Rehman bhai!”, I was surprised at what I was capable of doing. My brows were furrowed, my voice was loud, my expression was oblique, I had slammed the table.
My brother never liked being talked back or questioned. That’s why I didn’t do that much, I didn’t let Hamza do it, I dragged him out of it last time that day.
He yanked the chair away and shifted closer to me.
“You are joining me at the Masjid this Friday.” Sounded like an empty threat because he rarely went there anyway.
“I won’t be able to, bhai, I have other work.”
“Would you two please stop, what are you doing Rehman, and uzair you should stop too.”
My phone was ringing. I was not paying attention to it.
“Allah just take that call, stop that annoying ring tone.” Rehman bhai was on my case.
It was Hamza, I froze, I didn’t know what to do.
I took the call, said “hello.. “
“Who’s that Uzair?”
“It’s Hamza.” I couldn’t even lie.
“Tell him he left his sherwani jacket last night on the staircase.”
I replayed it to Hamza
“Am I on loudspeaker?” Hamza asked.
“No, “ I replied briefly
“You can return it whenever you like or it’s fine if you do not return ..”
Stop stop stop.. I looked at my brother and sister in law, terrified as if they could hear him, as if they could read my mind. Faisal was here too, what did he think of his chachu?
“I’d.. uh.. listen Hamza.”
“Yes, I’m listening” he whispered, he felt reckless, was Yalina not around?
“What happened?” Rehman bhai squinted.
“He’s just.. “
My brother snatched my phone, then said “Hamza, yeh sher shah market ka collection kab karna hain.. have you spoken to Uzair.” After a few hmm, Achha he gave the phone back to me. “Fix a time.”
Without breaking eye contact with him I put the phone back to my ears, “Hamza.. we can do it Thursday, evening.. I am telling donga.”
“We can do it tonight, or right now, if you want.”
I was speechless.
“Bhai, he’s.. uh.. Hamza, can do it this week”
Ulfat was grumbling. “He just got married last night, give him a break, why are both of you just going on and on.”
What should I tell her, that Hamza was the one who wanted to meet tonight? Or right now?
“Ah Ulfat, it’s fine, I left the day after my wedding.” Rehman bhai stopped her. “Ask him to come on Thursday.”
It would be incredibly uncomfortable for me to sit here and continue playing the innocent brother and brother in law for any longer. Where’s the jacket I asked, I almost snatched the garment, excused myself, climbed upstairs and closed the door behind me. I looked at the extensive damage I caused to the fabric and the embroidery, I could play a rewind of most of the emotions that had gone behind those actions and the tips of my ears were burning. I took a fistful of the material and stuffed it in my face, trying to inhale every fibre. I whispered his name, sucked the fabric, soaked it, rubbed it against my face. The involuntary arousal that came with it was surprising too, it was so fast and visceral and all these years I was just sleepwalking through life, workaholic-ing through it. I had to take care of what was tenting my salwar, later it took me some time to calm down. I let Rehman Bhai know that I was stepping outside, I made up an excuse. I went to the factory and sat in the empty office, lit a cigarette, soaking in his presence from everywhere.
Everything seemed immaterial. The fact that we made fucking guns in this factory, or the stuff we do day in and day out, I had this impossible thought that maybe in some life I could do better. I always considered myself incredibly unfortunate after my abbu was butchered like that, and I had to uproot myself from a respectable life. But if that never happened I wouldn’t have met Hamza.
What I did next was the most reckless decision of my life.
I packed the jacket somehow and drove to Hamza’s place. I waited for some time, contemplating and finishing the smoke. Then I went up, knocked on the door, my heart hammering in my chest.