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Dan wasn't sure how long it had been since he last got out of bed. It could have been hours, days, weeks, years, and his body would have still felt the same.
But as he glanced at his phone, he realized how long it had actually been: three weeks, and five days.
Almost an entire month had gone by.
All those weeks ago is when he got the news that his pride and joy, Dan Is Not Okay, wasn't going to happen.
Months and months of work on the scripts. A full year of him sucking up to Youtube, doing everything they asked just to show how dedicated he was to them.... all for not. Down the drain. Unimportant and unnecessary.
Kind of like how he felt right now.
He sighed, turning over on his other side. For so long, building up to the email he received telling him Youtube Originals was moving in a different direction, he had so much anxiety. He could barely sleep most nights, and if he did, it was terrible sleep. Riddled with worry and nightmares, waking up in a cold sweat, wondering what the future held for him.
And now all he did was sleep. But it wasn't really rest he was getting. Just hours of him passing out.
If he wasn't sleeping, he was awake; laying in bed. Thinking. Always thinking.
He wished he could stop thinking. Even for just a moment.
He looked up at the ceiling, taking in the details of it for the millionth time. He had memorized it by the third day. He could recite it with his eyes shut by now, if you could somehow recite a ceiling.
He heard shuffling in the hallway, his eyes drifting to the door.
It was Phil. He knew it was.
Every couple hours Phil would lean outside of the door, listening in. Dan figured Phil was trying to hear if he was still breathing.
Unfortunately, he was.
Dan winced at that thought. He wasn't... like that anymore. At least, he didn't feel like that about himself like he did when he was kid. This was something different entirely.
But it did boil down back to the same point: was he enough?
How he figured it was this - his life had never been sunshine and rainbows. Whether it was his upbringing, his family, his sexuality, his mind... all of it was a bit of a shitshow. He was used to that. But Youtube was the one thing he had been surprisingly good at. The one thing he got right. That worked.
But now it didn't.
Now, it had become this burden. When he took a whole year to post about being gay, that made sense to him. He needed a break. He needed time to figure himself out. And now he did. Making content wasn't the problem.
And when Youtube had told him that his idea for DINOK was fun and interesting and they wanted to produce it, he couldn't believe it. All of his hard work had paid off. And sure the timeline had been slow, but he was hopeful. For the first time in a long time, he had hope that something he wanted would just work out for him.
That was a grave mistake that he didn't plan on making again.
But he did have a thick skull so... he wouldn't hold his breath.
He could easily make some random content, something the algorithm liked. But that wasn't what he wanted. He had big dreams. Huge, even.
What if he wasn't good enough to make something huge?
What if he was going to be stuck making silly videos talking about ~relatable topics~ until the Earth blew up or a nuke was dropped or the Sun ate us alive or global warming was actu-
He shook his head, breathing out loudly. This had been the circle his mind was going around and around in since that email. And he could only come to one conclusion every time.
He wasn't good enough to make something like DINOK. He wasn't entertaining enough, he wasn't smart enough, he wasn't enough for a project this big. The story was bad, and no one had the guts to tell him to his face. That this craft he had been working on since he was eighteen was all he was ever going to achieve. Shooting for the stars was a silly endeavor, and you should have just stayed on Earth and let the actual talented people try for space.
But what ate away at him was the sinking thought that if he wasn't even good enough to do this, what was the point of all of it? The one thing he was good at, he had been rejected by. Which only meant... he wasn't good at anything.
He squeezed his eyes shut. Maybe he should try getting out of bed today.
Phil would like that.
He had been keeping his distance from Phil since it happened. He didn't want this... darkness, rubbing off on him. Phil, the one thing that had been constant in his life. His light. And because Phil was kind and understood Dan like no one else did, he respected Dan's distance.
He truly didn't deserve him. Dan Howell, deserving of kindness? Those two things didn't mix.
Something inside his chest gnawed at his heart when he thought of Phil now. For the past three weeks it had been doing it.
He should break up with Phil.
There had only been a small number of times they had considered it. Once a couple years in, when the shipping had just started to ramp up and their privacy felt invaded daily, and right around the time he decided he needed a break from Youtube. Both had, obviously, just been blips on the radar.
But this time... felt like the actual end.
Dan couldn't really remember a time when Phil wasn't there for him. When Phil wasn't in his life. It kind of felt like Phil was always there, a phantom limb. An extension of himself.
He didn't really want to think of a time he wouldn't be there for him.
But he needed to do this. For Phil.
No matter how much it hurts to do.
~~~~
He wasn't sure how long it took him to get out of bed and head to their kitchen, but by the time he got there, it was growing dark outside.
He could hear the TV going. Phil was sitting on the couch, like always. He was wearing a random t-shirt and some colorful pj pants.
Dan would miss that about him. As much as color annoyed him, it never annoyed him when it was on Phil.
Phil looked up as he shuffled into the kitchen, a light smile on his face. "Hey."
"Hi." Dan croaked. When was the last time he had water? He wasn't sure.
Phil got up, heading over to him. He kept his distance still, leaning against the island in the kitchen. "Are you hungry? I was thinking of ordering something from the restaurant down the street. The one we like."
He barely shook his head. "No. I just want some water."
"Okay. You should eat something soon, though. I know it's been a while." He said softly.
Dan grabbed a glass from the cabinet. "I'm just not hungry."
"I know. But still." Phil smirked playfully, "You're a growing lad who needs food to stay nice and strong."
He looked at him, blinking slowly. "Growing lad?"
"You'd be surprised how much you grow between 30 and 31. Pretty sure I grew an inch during that time period." He stated.
Dan exhaled through his nose, pouring water into his glass. "Sure."
Phil watched Dan, his eyes taking him in gently. Dan glanced down at his clothes, the ones he hadn't changed in a week. He felt disgusting, and probably smelled it too.
He brought the cup to his lips, "I haven't showered yet."
Phil shrugged, "That's okay. I haven't either."
"You at least shower regularly. Can't say the same for me as of late." Dan mumbled, placing the half drunken glass onto the counter.
"Well, it's fine. You're just stinking up your room." Phil pushed his glasses up his nose, coyly, "But if you want to stink up mine... I guess you can."
"That's gross." He grimaced.
"That's why you have to shower. Then you can come back to our room." Phil furrowed his brow, looking towards the ceiling. "My room? The room I sleep in currently? Whatev-"
"It's your room. That's what we told everyone, so that's what it is." Dan deadpanned.
He stopped, his face dropping slightly. "Dan..."
He cut him off, his hands gripping the countertop. "I have something I need to say. Can you just... sit down?"
His voice had hardened, the sound sharp in Phil's ears. But he nodded, walking over to their kitchen table and sitting down.
Theirs. Soon to be just Phil's, Dan guessed.
"I don't even know how to start this." He uttered, staring at the floor.
"Well, maybe just start at the beginning?" Phil suggested kindly.
God, he was really going to do this to him. "I think... I think..."
"Yeah?" He cocked his head, gazing up at Dan.
"We should... end things." Dan exhaled.
Phil blinked. "End... things?"
"Us. End us." He emphasized.
He uttered back. "Oh."
"I just... The past couple weeks, all I can think about is the future. And what it holds, what it held." Dan swallowed hard, "And I just don't think you and me are together in it."
Phil hummed, "Is that so?"
"Yeah. I mean, you have so many ideas about what you want to film and create and I clearly... don't get to live that fantasy." He smiled curtly.
He inhaled sharply, "Dan, I-"
"Let me finish, please," he interjected. "Reality is, I'm just not good enough at this job. And you are. And you deserve to live with someone that you can bounce ideas off of, that you can create with. And that's just not gonna be me, anymore."
"What do you plan on doing?" Phil inquired.
"Sitting in my room. Stinking it up, probably." Dan murmured.
"You never plan to create again?" He questioned.
"No. I think that's what this whole lesson taught me. I'm just... not good enough." He huffed, glancing down at the floor again.
He repeated, "Not good enough?"
"Why else would they reject me? Why else would they string me along for so many months? Because I'm just not good enough." Dan explained, his hands flexing against the counter.
"That's what you believe?" Phil pushed.
"It's the obvious answer. And-and you don't deserve to be with someone like that." He stammered.
"Someone... not good enough."
"Exactly. So, I'm giving you a way out. Right now."
"Right now?" He stared into Dan's eyes.
"Would you stop repeating me in a questioning tone?" He grunted, "Yes, I'm giving you a way out. I'm... breaking up with you. Or telling you to break up with me.”
Phil sat there, looking off into space in disbelief. He didn't look upset, just deeply confused. Ice cold anxiety raced through Dan suddenly.
"You're a great person, Phil. You have done everything for me for so long, and I just think you'll find better and achieve more without me. And because I respect you that much, I'm giving you this one opportunity to walk away scot-free." Dan's voice lightened as he joked, "You don't even have to help me pack or anything."
Phil stood up, his eyes locking with Dan's. He let out a soft chuckle. "You've really gotten bad at pranks ."
His face completely dropped, "What?"
"You used to jump out of corners and put powder in my hairdryer. Those were good pranks. This one could use some work." He replied, patting Dan on the shoulder.
He scrunched his face up, "I'm not pranking you. I'm being serious, Phil. This is me telling you-"
"That we're breaking up. Or you're breaking up with me. Or that I should break up with you. Yeah, I heard you the first time." He laughed, "Again, terrible prank. You can't even fully commit to the bit."
"This isn't a bit, Phil! We're done! We are no longer we!" Dan exclaimed.
Phil pffted. "Yeah, okay."
He groaned, following him around the kitchen island. "Why aren't you taking this seriously?"
He narrowed his eyes. "Because what is there about this to take seriously? You're not actually breaking up with me."
"Yes I am. Do I need to be blunt about it?" Dan hissed.
"I guess so." Phil sassed.
"We're over. I don't want to be with you anymore." His voice was harsh, even through the lie.
"Why? What did I do that upset you so much?" He pressed, stepping to him.
"Nothing! You're perfect, like always. I'm the one that fucked up, again. Like usual." Dan complained.
Phil raised an eyebrow at him. "And what exactly did you do that's fucked up?"
"Exist, I guess." Phil gave him a knowing look, and Dan continued on. "Try to make art out of my trauma of being closeted for 28 years, and no one gave a fuck about it."
"I gave a fuck about it." Phil stated.
"Yeah, just you. That's the problem." He spat.
His stare grew more intense. "That I care?"
"No. That you're dating way below your league. I'm just... not talented enough. It's obvious, after all this time, that that's clearly what all of this was for. To show me, finally, just how shitty of an artist I am. If I can even call myself that." He ranted.
"Really?" He frowned.
"You deserve better. You deserve someone better. And I'm just not good enough." Dan's voice grew quiet, his body turned away from Phil.
"Not good enough... for me." He said it almost as a question.
"Yes. Do you get what I'm saying now?" He asked, sighing.
He remarked. "Yeah. I got it."
"So... I'm letting you go. Before you get dragged down by all of this." Dan whispered, motioning to himself.
Phil stayed quiet, drumming his fingers against the counter. He turned back to Dan, finally shaking his head. "No."
He scowled back at him, "No? What do you mean 'no'?"
"No. I'm okay with staying here." He smiled, walking towards the living room.
Dan rubbed his eyes, "Phil, you can't be serious."
"Like a sickness, Danny-boy," he responded. "I'm that serious."
He began, following behind him. "C'mon Phil. You-"
"Can I speak now? Since you did your whole speech?" Phil cocked his head, waiting impatiently.
Dan slammed his mouth shut, huffing in annoyance.
Phil's face suddenly dropped, his tone much more serious than before. "If you genuinely think I would leave you over Youtube rejecting you, you have to be the silliest of billies."
Dan narrowed his gaze, "You can't say that and think I'm taking you seriously. Just say I'm acting stupid."
"You're not acting stupid. You're not stupid. You're incredibly smart." He insisted.
"Phil-" He started.
He cut him off, his voice louder. "You'd think I'd date someone for twelve years that I thought was stupid? You think I love stupid people?"
Dan let out an annoyed breath. "I just-"
"Because that's the thing, Daniel. I love you. I have no plans, whatsoever, of leaving you," Phil answered. "This is just another bump in the road, one which we will get over, together, like we always do."
"I don't think it is. That's the whole reason why I'm breaking up with you." His own words felt foreign and weird in his mouth, his heart aching at the sound.
"Right. Because Youtube rejected you, said no to your dream project after stringing you along for over a year, getting your hopes up over nothing. And now, for some reason, you think this is an indication you're not good enough, not only for original, brilliant content. But for me." He shot back, crossing his arms.
"Yes." Dan fumed.
Phil grew close to him instantly, his face mere inches away. "You don't get to make that decision for me, Dan. I choose who I love. And I love you. And Youtube was, and is, wrong."
"But what if they aren't?" He questioned, squinting at him intensely.
"They are. You know why I know they are?" He urged.
He mocked. "Why?"
"Because I've known you for twelve years. I have seen how amazing you are. I've seen the work, dedication, sweat, blood, and tears you put into everything. You have millions of people that love and watch you, daily. Regardless of what you put out." Phil argued passionately.
Dan retorted, "But that's the point, Phil! I've been shit all along and no one has told me so!"
"Do you honestly think all the people that love and appreciate you are lying to you? That we all are just so blinded by our love for you that we wouldn't tell you how we honestly feel about anything you create? You think I sat through months of rewrites and talking points of your scripts just to not tell you they're shit?" He gasped dramatically, "Or your book, for that matter? You know the one, the highly acclaimed, Daniel Howell self-help book that thousands of fans-"
He barked, "Fuck off, Phil!"
"-Love and adore, titled ‘You Will Get Through This Night’?! That one? Yeah, not sure if you remember it." He finished.
"Of course I remember it. I wrote it." Dan glared.
"Exactly. And every video you put out since 2009, whether it was silly or dumb or whatever word you want to use to describe it... you did those as well." He pointed at him, fervidly. "You gained an audience because of your art. Not because you lacked it."
"And clearly, I didn't deserve it." He contested.
"Yes, you did! You deserve all of it, and so much more. Just because a few asshole execs at YTO don't see that doesn't mean none of this was worth it. That you aren't worth it." Phil was reaching his limit, an exhausted breath escaping his mouth. "Stop being so dense."
"I'm never gonna create again, Phil! I just can't do it anymore! I'm all out of stories to tell." Dan shouted, waving his arms.
He shrugged. "So, wait until you have more."
"And what if I never do, huh?" He snapped. "What if I become a recluse and never leave my room and barely shower and never make a single piece of art again? What about then?"
"Then I guess I'm really gonna have to get back into daily vlogging or posting more often to keep up with our mortgage payments." Phil pursed his lips.
"It can be just yours, if you want." His blood ran cold, "I can leave you."
"And miss out on living rent free in our house? That's dumb." He teased.
He whined, covering his face. "Why can't you just let me break up with you?"
"You don't want to break up with me." Phil dissented.
Of course I don't. "Yes, I do."
"You think you want to break up with me because you think I deserve someone else. Some mythical person that's better for me." He rolled his eyes.
He shook his head. "Not mythical. I'm sure he really exists."
"He does. And he's right in front of me." Phil gave a small smile. "He's the one I chose back in 2009, too."
"That Dan is long gone." His woeful voice lowered bitingly.
He hummed, "No. He's still here. He's the one trying to run away from us now."
Dan felt his chest squeeze, tears suddenly forming in his eyes.
Phil walked up to Dan, cupping his face in his hands. "Listen to me when I say this. I love you so much. I want nothing more than to spend every day with you for the rest of my life. I made that decision all the way back then, and I choose to continue making it now. And if that means you sit at home, every day, stinking up the sofa, then so be it."
He choked out, "But how is that good for you? What about what you want?"
"What I want is you. It's always been just you." Dan could see Phil's eyes were glassy, unshed tears waiting to fall.
He shuddered, "Phil..."
"They were wrong for what they did to you, you hear me? They shouldn't have gotten your hopes up for nothing. They should have been kinder to you, and told you the truth from day one. I'm sorry that happened to you, and I wish I could do something to take this pain you're feeling away." He said sincerely, his thumb tracing Dan's cheek gently.
He closed his eyes, trying to pull back. "What if I never get better? What if I'm like this for good now?"
"Then I'll take care of you. Like you take care of me when I'm sick."
Phil wrapped his arms around Dan softly, pulling him into a tight embrace. He rested his head on Dan's shoulder, rubbing his back with one of his hands.
Dan melted into Phil's hug, burying his face into Phil's neck. He breathed in his scent, his bones feeling the first air of ease in weeks.
"Why didn't they like it?" Dan cried out, pathetically.
"I don't know why, bub. I don't think it's your fault, though. You did everything they asked for and more." He cooed.
He couldn't help but pout, digging his face further into Phil. "It's not fair."
"I know it's not." He whispered sweetly, "You didn't deserve it."
"I do really mean it though, Phil." Dan pulled back, looking him in the eye. "I don't think I can create again."
He combed his fingers through Dan's hair, "Then don't. Take some time. There's no rush."
His chest heaved, a shallow breath wracking his lungs. "I love you. I'm sorry I said any of that nonsense."
"It's okay. I know you didn't mean." He remarked.
He sniffled, "You do deserve better."
His voice was dripping in love. "I deserve what I want. And that's you."
He whimpered, "You're too nice to me."
"No. You just need to be nicer to yourself." Phil stated simply.
"That's..." Dan sighed. "Very true."
"How about you start by taking a shower? That would be a nice thing for yourself." He suggested.
"And for your nose." He snorted.
"You honestly don't smell that bad. You smell like..." Phil dragged his nose along the neckline of Dan's shirt, taking a light sniff each time. "Laundry detergent. The bed sheets. And maybe a bit of sweat."
"You know what my sweat smells like?" Dan grimaced, muttering. "Pervert."
Phil smirked, "Who else would know your smell better than me?"
Dan rolled his eyes, exhaling and pulling away from him. "Okay, okay. I'll... go shower."
He beamed, "Goodie."
"I might just go back to bed though. I don't even have the energy to eat, if I'm honest." He admitted.
"Okay. But we'll have to have a big breakfast tomorrow. Pancakes, waffles, the works." He sang.
"Sure. I can... pencil you in." He gestured lazily.
"What am I, a doctor's appointment?" Phil gasped, scowling. "Pencil me in..."
Dan bit back a smile, the first one he had felt in a long time, and headed towards the bathroom.
He stripped off his clothes, jumping into the shower the moment it was hot enough for his liking. He breathed in the steam, letting it relax him as he stood there in the hot water.
He cleaned himself thoroughly, getting all the week old grime off of him. When he finished, he felt... new. Still numb, but new.
He even brushed his teeth for good measure, just to feel extra clean.
He walked to his room, towel wrapped low around his hips. He changed into some comfortable clothes. When he turned to his bed, he noticed the bedding had been stripped off.
Phil must have done that.
He headed down the hallway to Phil's room, pushing the door open. He stared at him as Phil just scrolled through his phone.
"Was it necessary to take my bedding, Philip Michael Lester?"
He didn't even look up from his phone. "It's old. It needs to be washed."
"I already planned to sleep in here tonight, you rat. You didn't have to steal my bed sheets to force me to." Dan shuffled into the room, grumbling.
"I have no idea what you're talking about." Phil looked at him, biting his lip. "But while your sheets are in the wash, I guess you'll have to sleep here."
"Oh no, I have to share a bed with you?" He gagged, "Gross."
He narrowed his eyes playfully, "I should be the one saying that. You didn't shower for a week."
Dan got under the covers, the smell of Phil's cologne and laundry detergent hitting him. He could feel the aches in his body finally unwind, Phil's presence always relaxing him.
He snuggled into Phil's side, forcing his arm around his body. He snickered under his breath, pulling Dan closer.
Dan waited a moment, finally whispering. "I missed you."
"I missed you too." He murmured.
Phil cupped Dan's face, turning his head towards him. Dan looked up at him, his eyes bright and shining in the softened mood lighting of the room.
"Whatever the future holds, it's always us, Dan. Alright?"
"I know." He swallowed the lump in his throat, "You are the best thing that's ever happened to me."
Phil bit his trembling lower lip, and nodded. "I love you so much. We'll get through this. You'll get through this."
"I love you too."
Dan leaned up, snaking his arm up Phil's chest and threading his fingers through his hair. He pushed their heads together, kissing Phil's lips slowly. He lingered as long as he could. Until his lungs began to burn with the lack of oxygen. And even then, he pushed himself closer, kneading Phil's lips with his own.
Phil pulled back, sucking a breath in. He smiled, nudging his nose against Dan's. "I hope you know you're never getting rid of me."
He exhaled dramatically, "Thank God for that."
Phil giggled, giving Dan's lips the sweetest kiss. Dan smiled into it, holding him as close as possible.