Chapter Text
The Fount sat alone in his chamber. Books were everywhere, some stacked in neat piles that almost reached the ceiling, others in messy piles mixed with papers and journals and pens and compasses and maps. Too many letters sat on his desk unanswered, work unattended to. He knows he needs to get it done but he just can't get himself to do it.
Noise. That's all he can hear. Endless noise. Questions and answers and misplaced hatred and anger and accusations and cruel words he's forgotten the meaning of by now because they seem to be everyone's favorite thing to call him. A fool. A liar. A failure. An overzealous narcissistic leader who can't keep his own promises.
The Fount is not a cookie, not someone with feelings, not a living being. It is simply a tool. An answering machine that exists not to inform but to reassure. A machine that is clearly broken when it doesn't give the answer that they want from it. He knows they're wrong. He knows they're taking out the embarrassment or disappointment of being wrong on him. He wonders what it's like to be wrong. The only thing he's ever been wrong about was the fact he thought that he could be helpful. The fact he thought that he could be right. He is not helpful. He is not right. He is a thing working as it's intended, and that is what makes him entirely unwanted. Unwanted, useless, idiotic, mistaken, heartless, liar, confused, wrong. Maybe all he ever has been is wrong. Maybe it's wrong that he hates them all by now. Maybe it's wrong that he wants to tell them whatever they want to hear, and maybe it's wrong that he wants to break them to peices by telling them all the things they can't handle, and maybe it's wrong that he can't control the gruesome thoughts in his mind about how easily he could get them to all shut up.
He feels himself starting to crack. Whenever the other virtues ask him something he feels his skin crawl, he wants to scream at them to leave him alone, break them and their useless shallow little minds until they leave him alone. Beg them to stay. Beg them to fix him. Tell him whats wrong with him. The one thing he can't figure out is what's wrong with him. What's wrong with all of them. Why did the witches turn away from them!? Where was their guidance now! Why did he need to take the place of that guidance when he was still in need of it! Why wouldn't anybody ever help him! Why was there no one that could. He didn't need help! He was better than all of them! Anyone who doubted him was an ignorant fool. He was an ignorant fool. All he ever does is doubt himself.
He doubted himself.
He never stopped doubting himself.
The Fount isn't sure how long he's been laying down on the floor. Minutes, maybe. Days, maybe. Time never seemed to follow the rules for him. He stares at the ceiling of his chamber. It's a dome shape, and there are pretty blue and gold details on it. He's always appreciated art. He's gotten into sewing, painting, drawing, and carving. He also makes up plays and acts them out all alone. Well, he told the others about it once or twice but they only cared so much... of course. It wasn't like any of it was that good. Salt cared, but Salt has been missing in action for the last five months. How long has The Fount been in here? Maybe Salt is back by now. Or not. He has no idea. It really bothered The Fount, how Salt would just disappear. That wasn't showing much solidarity if you asked him! They've all gotten weird, honestly! It really bothers him. He needs them.
He doesn't like being alone.
Despite that fact, he can't seen to pry himself off of the floor. He thinks he wouldn't mind laying somewhere still until the end of time. As long as that place had something pretty to look at, like the ceiling. Or the stars, preferably. It's escalated from locking himself away for weeks at a time to write a book while fantasizing about that endless break somewhere far away, to laying on the floor staring at the hand drawn constellations above him for longer than he can process. The tile of the floor no longer hurts. It feels like part of his body.
His own mind does not feel like part of his body.
Time does not pass.
Not mentally, at least.
He doesn't bother to look when he hears the door opening. He's probably just hearing things again. Things he's made up in his mind to feel less alone. Things his soul conjurs up for him.
He doesn't bother to pay attention to the footsteps.
Or the sound of someone sitting down next to him.
"Fount?" A voice says, but it sounds fuzzy.
The Fount of Knowledge turns his head to look at who's talking to him. Just slightly. Salt of Solidarity stares back at him. "Are you real?" The Fount whispers.
"I haven't seen you since I got back. Months ago. How long have you been in here?"
"Oh. I just thought it had been a few days. You were still gone last time I went outside."
"A few days- wait what!?"
"I don't know. If you told me it had been an hour I would have believed you."
"Okay. Come here. Sit up." Salt gently helps The Fount sit up. "What have you been doing in here? Writing a book again?"
"No." The words feel heavy coming out of his mouth. Strands of white hair fall into his face. When did his bangs get so long? "No, no. No. I haven't been doing anything."
"Anything? Have you eaten? Or-"
"Does it matter? This horrific souljam will keep me going wether I want to or not."
"Your souljam isn't horrific-"
"Oh of course that's what you fucking focus on!" He weakly swats his hand at the other. It wouldn't have done much to anyone, let alone a knight in armor.
"Did you just try to hit me?" Salt asks with a mix of concern and annoyance.
"I want you to go away and crumble and I want it to hurt!" The Fount sits up more, trying to make himself seem scary. He just looks pathetic. "I hate you! You are such a hypocrite! You always have been!" He tries to hit him again.
Everything goes black.
When he opens his eyes again Salt is holding him. They're in his kitchen. There's a glass of water and a bunch of jellies in front of him.
"Just because your souljam can keep you alive doesn't mean you'll be functional-"
"Do you still love me?" The Fount says bluntly. He isn't sure why that question came out.
"What?"
"Do you still love me or are you too busy hooking up with that stupid Faerie."
"Fount, we aren't together. Me and you or me and Fae- Elder Faerie."
"You know what I mean though. You know what we are."
Salt sighs. "Can you eat please? At least drink water?"
"Why didn't anyone check on me sooner? Why did you all let me go months with no contact? Did everyone get used to you disappearing so they didn't question me? Or do they just not care about me!? Just like you don't! Just like no one does! I am a tool and an arrogant liar and a nuisance and a mistake and collateral damage! Depends on who you ask!" He laughs. Nothing is funny. If he doesn't laugh he'll scream. "While you're off for five, seven, ten months at a time playing house with him I am hearing demands and anger and pity and hatred and all of this noise! Over and over! It never goes away! Even when I'm alone! I hear them asking me questions! I hear them calling me names! It's so loud all the time! I bet it's like that for the other three too! You don't know what the four of us have to deal with because you keep leaving! You keep leaving us! You keep leaving me! And then you really think you get to come in here and pretend to be worried about me! Oh! I'm a pathetic little knight who can't take responsibility for my own flaws so I take it out on everyone else! You all need to follow your virtues so no one notices me actively going against mine! Why would I show Solidarity to the other virtues! They don't matter at all!"
"Stop it-"
"Stop what!? Telling you the truth!? But the truth is my job! I'm doing my job!"
Salt of Solidarity lets out a deep sigh. "I do love you, for what it's worth."
"Sure you do." Fount looks at the table. "You just want me to drink my water."
"Yes, I do. Because I am worried about you."
"I'll drink if you give me hot chocolate..."
"What?"
"I want hot chocolate."
Salt sighs to himself. "Fine."
.
.
.
How could Salt blame him for needing a break sometimes? He was so exhausted and nothing ever changed. He's been back on his feet for a while now and he feels just as miserable as always. The Fount goes to work. The Fount goes home. He goes to work. He goes home. Work. Home. Work. Home. Work. Occasional meet up with the others that does nothing but remind him how much they've changed. Home. Work. Home. Work. Home. Listen to the way his soul shifts itself into someone else to try to fix his loneliness. Work. Home.
At least things had been a little less repetitive as of late because he had this assistant that had started hanging around him. For some reason. Some college kid named Black Sapphire Cookie that had went to one of the schools run by The Fount of Knowlegde's staff. He'd been adamant in wanting to meet The Fount and eventually he agreed. This kid seemed quite distressed about the meaning of life and all these other questions he'd had that The Fount had heard over and over again. But he didn't get mad when The Fount couldn't give him a good answer. For some reason that made him even more intrigued by The Fount and he started asking to help out with things, hoping it would help him make sense of the world.
That was about six months ago. He really isn't sure why he agreed. The kid really wasn't that helpful. He was honestly just entertaining... and he seemed like he didn't really have anyone else to look up too. The Fount isn't sure why that bothers him. Lots of cookies don't have anyone to be a support in their life. Why did this one in specific bother him? Whatever. The kid was nice enough. Helped him dig through notes, read letters, and had started volunteering at a few of the colleges. (Since he had graduated now.) He also liked talking about theatre, which The Fount was absolutely okay with.
Currently they are both sitting in one of the many libraries The Fount has ownership of. He was trying to put out another public document full of information about different weather and plant phenomena, since a lot of cookies had been asking about that recently? For some reason? He really didn't care. At least it was a little interesting. He flips the page of the book in his hands and then decides he is utterly and entirely bored of this.
"Why me?" He says, turning his head to look at the kid.
"What?" Black Sapphire asks. "What do you mean?"
"Why'd you decide to spend all your time with me? You like theatre. Go spend more time on that. You shouldn't be couped up here doing work for me."
"I really don't mind." Black Sapphire slides his hand across the spine of a book absent mindedly. "You're nice to me."
"Yeah, but- other cookies will be nice to you. You can find somewhere better than this." He frowns. "It'll wear you out after a while."
"Other cookies don't like me." Black Sapphire hums. "I haven't been a great person to most the groups I've been a part of."
"You seem fine to me?"
"I kept starting problems. The moment I feel hurt or judged I make it my mission to ruin all of their lives worse than they could ever ruin mine. I don't know why. I've never done well other cookies. Especially not in school."
The Fount's frown deepens.
"It's fine. You don't need to look at me with pity or whatever it is that you're doing. I get along with you fine, and I talk to people at the theatre and volunteer stuff I do. I just have trouble feeling close to anyone without feeling threatened for some reason. Like, if I don't make it clear that I'm better than them, they'll take my spot."
The Fount hums. He's quiet for a moment before saying "I get that."
Black Sapphire looks at him. Really looks at him. "Do you?" He asks. His voice breaks.
The Fount sighs and puts his book down. "Kid. C'mon. Don't start crying-"
"I just need to know that someone else understands whatever on earthbread is wrong with me because I really try to relate to other people but it always feels like I'm wearing some sort of costume that I can't take off." Black Sapphire blinks a few times. "You asked why I chose to spend my time with you but I wonder why you let me work with you. I know I'm too dramatic and I know I'm rude and I know I'm untrustworthy and-"
"Because that's what I'd want someone to do for me. I'd want someone to look past all of that for me." The Fount gets up and walks over to where Black Sapphire was sitting. "Listen, how about you stop working for today, alright? You clearly aren't in the headspace for it."
"I'm fine-"
"Sapph. Your work day is over. I'm the boss. I'm saying you're done for today."
Black Sapphire sniffles.
"Actually. Really quick. Go upstairs and to the room on the right."
"You said that upstairs was classified?"
"Just trust me. Here. Take the key."
Black Sapphire feels like he's invading into territory he doesn't belong in as he walks up the spiral staircase. This specifc library was one of Fount's private ones that was only used for work, and he knew there was a lot of classified information kept up here. As he finishes walking up the stairs, he sees a few doors. He goes to the right most door and wearily puts the key in the lock. He turns it. The door unlocks. He nervously twists the doorknob and walks inside. The room is quite small. There's a bed set up against a wall with a window, a little desk, a small cabinet, a hand made clock, and a note that reads "since I know you don't have anywhere comfortable to stay."
Black Sapphire stands in the doorway, trying to take the room in. He feels like he must be misunderstanding something, or this is some prank, or-
"Hey!"
He hears a voice call from halfway down the stairs.
"Yes?"
"I'm trusting you not to mess up any other rooms in the library! That one's all yours to do whatever you want with, though!"
"Are you sure-"
"Yes I'm sure! I need to work now! Bye!"
.
.
.
Fount finished the thing he'd been writing about the weather. He also wrote thirty seven more documents about all the other trending topics recently. Thrity eight research documents. In three months. Along with all of his normal work. He was about ready to lose it. He'd been more impulsive lately. He had been snapping at the other Virtues any time he was around them. The moment they asked him anything he just freaked out. Please dont perceive me. Please don't ask anything of me. I can't take anything else.
He had been drinking more often. Usually not enough to black out, just enough to feel fuzzy. To get the weight off of his chest. To make it harder to think. He wanted to stop thinking. He knew that was bad, that the witches were against that. He really didn't care what the witches wanted, though. The witches abandoned him.
He'd started to think, to wonder what it would be like to be in pain. Real, actual pain. Physical pain. He knew what it felt like to get hurt, but he wanted a deeper pain. A pain that would make all this exhaustion go away. The thought wouldn't leave his mind. He knew that cookies who did things like that were treated like an unstable danger. But he wouldn't get caught. And he would only do it once. To satisfy the curiosity. His job was to learn, after all. That's why. Curiosity. That's his excuse. His justification.
That's why he keeps ending his days sitting on the tiled floor of his chamber, long flowing sleeve pushed back to reveal his untouched blue dough, holding a shard of broken glass to himself, trying to will himself to actually do anything with it. He keeps backing out, or someone interrupts him, or his soul gets so loud that he just starts screaming instead.
But every night he gets a little closer to actually digging that shard into his dough.
He was cold. The night-time air blew in from the window. His hand was shaking. No one was going to know.
Star speckled hair falls across his body like a cloak as he curls in on himself.
His hands do not feel like a part of his body as he moves the shard.
Jam trickles onto the floor. He is glad he doesn't have a carpet. That would he a hassle to clean up.
Fear courses through his dough, but underneath it there is an aftertaste of relief.
It became a routine after that.
.
.
.
More and more of The Fount's nights became dedicated to that pain. It was easier to ignore it when he'd been working with Black Sapphire, or when he had extra time in the day to do something artsy, but it was the only thing that really took the edge off of his thoughts. Even if it was only for a few seconds. He started getting riskier with it. Deeper. Messier. It was fun, almost. It gave him something to destroy besides his own reputation and work ethic.
It gave him more things to learn on his own accord. He had control. He could choose to see how deep this rabbit hole went and how sharp the sting was. Like a game. Games are meant to be fun.
It was fun.
Until he got caught.
He doesn't remember that night clearly. He remembers Salt finding him sitting on the floor, staring out the window with jam running down his arm. He remembers arguing and denying. The details of what he said were fuzzy. He remembers the feeling of being dragged. He remembers hearing someone (Salt?) tell some other cookies to mind their own buisness and that everything was fine. He remembers Nox taking them somewhere. To Flour, probably, because the next thing out of the blur he can remember was sitting in Flours medical room, yelling and trying to pull his arm away while it got healed. He knows he said a lot of things, then. A lot of things he meant in the moment but definitely wouldn't have said now. That's the only part he really remembers. He said vicious, violent things to Salt and Flour. He just wanted them to stop. To leave it be. To make it worse. He wouldn't mind if they sliced into him further and ripped his soul out of his body. He begged them to. They told him he was being hysterical and that he was making himself hyperventilate and that he lost a lot of jam and to calm down so he didn't pass out. How could they expect him to calm down, they were taking his only form of control away from him.
Then he woke up in a medical room with healing bandages wrapped around his arm. Flour was sitting in the corner. She looked... troubled.
The Fount of Knowlegde sits up. "I'm sorry about those things I said." He isn't sure if he means that, or if those things he said are the only part he can remember and he just needed something to say.
"It's alright." She says. She still looks troubled.
"Are you... mad?"
"Were you trying to make yourself crumble?"
"No." He says. "It just helps me calm down sometimes."
"Mh..."
"I know that probably sounds insane-"
"No. I understand."
They lock eyes for a moment.
"Where's Salt?"
"Listen. Only a few cookies saw him bring you here, but cookies talk about things. So Sugar and Spice heard. Salt's with them in the other room." Flour motions to the door. "You woke up briefly, around hour after you passed out, and then begged me to let you go back to sleep. Since then it has been a day and a half."
"Witches' sakes... I can't sleep that long! I have work-"
"You aren't going back to work like this."
"Like what!? I'm fine!"
"You're clearly having a... heightened amount of stress... and I feel like you really need a break from that."
"A break isn't going to fix it, it's my whole life! I genuinely fantasize about ripping my souljam apart every single day because I am so exhausted!"
"I know..." she looks down for a moment. "It's all so repetitive and tiring."
Fount blinks. "You really aren't going to try to tell me I'm wrong and I should be true to my virtue?"
"No."
"Thanks..."
"The best I can do is let you stay here for a while."
"Flour, come here." Fount says suddenly.
"Hm?"
"Just come here?" He asks again.
She nods and walks over to him. He hugs her. A tight hug.
"Hey." Flour gently pats his head.
"I'm sorry I've created such a big scene."
"Don't worry about it. Okay?"
"Okay." Fount nuzzles his head into her shoulder. "I'm glad you understand it, at least. I think that Salt thinks I'm crazy."
"Well, Salt has his own issues he should be focusing on. He means well, but having good intentions only gets him so far if he isn't actually helping."
"Are any of us actually helping anybody? Is there any point in helping anybody?"
"I really don't know." Flour sighs. "Hey. Make sure you don't go much deeper."
"What?"
"Your arms. Be careful with how deep that gets."
"Oh." Fount says. "I haven't really been paying attention to that. I was just..."
"I know. Just be careful."
"Okay."
"Okay." Flour pulls away from the hug. "The others are outside if you want to talk to them. Only if you want to, though."
.
.
.
When Fount did go out into the room the other virtues had been in, it was... awkward. There was a tension in the air. They'd all been slowly losing it and they all knew it deep down. He hated being the first one to obviously, clearly break. They all looked at him with this weird pity.
Salt stayed with him later than the other two.
They sat in silence for a while, which was fine. The room was fairly comfortable. It didn't look too medical, there was a couch and a bed and star curtains on the window. Did she put those on just for him? That was nice. Salt and Fount both sat on the couch, too close and too far from one another at the same time.
"I should have been more gentle with you." Salt of Solidarity says. "I was worried. I got frantic."
"You should be more gentle with people in general."
"I know..."
"Then why aren't you?"
"I don't know. It feels like I can't understand them or why the way I act would hurt them, sometimes. I try, I really try."
"I know you try."
There's a pause.
"I feel like I've been made into everyone's spectacle, now. Like as soon as I go outside everyone is going to stare at me and look at me like I've lost my mind. I mean, maybe I have, but I lost my mind way before this." Fount whispers.
"Most talk about it has died down, actually."
"Really?"
"I think someone's been making up outrageous things to distract from it. Which they really shouldn't be doing, but... whoever it is, I guess they're looking out for you."
"Really? Actually... I guess I probably know who would've done that..."
"Just don't worry about it too much, okay?"
"All I do is worry, Commander." Fount sighs and dramatically leans against Salt.
Salt shifts slightly to accommodate the new weight leaning on him. He wraps an arm around The Fount.
"Do you ever think about it?"
"What?"
"Hurting yourself." He says. "You can't tell me you've never ever thought. Even if you want to act all high and mighty and perfect- tell me you've thought it- tell me I'm not more broken than the rest of us."
"Yes." Salt admits through gritted teeth. "I've thought it. We've all thought it, you should know that. Most of us understand not to do it."
"Well. I'm not perfect. Never have been, never will be."
"I just wish you wouldn't do things like that. Hurt yourself, or lay on the floor for months without eating or drinking, or locking yourself away for weeks."
"At least I haven't killed myself."
"Don't say that."
"Why not? Does it scare you? The fact I'm my own person with my own autonomy and not everyone's tool? Does it scare you that their tool can just go away? Poof into thin air. Does it scare you that their tool will lose its mind and-"
"It scares me that my friend is hurting himself, and the people around him, and that he doesn't see an issue with any of it."
The Fount goes quiet.
"People love you. You know that, right?"
"No, they see me as a thing to be used and-"
"I care about you. Sugar, and Flour, and Spice care about you. That kid that's been following you around cares about you."
"Sometimes it isn't about wether people care or not, Salt. Sometimes I just want to stop all of this. I don't know why you can't understand that. I'm just sick of it." He sniffles. "Don't lecture me. I know. Virtue. Blah blah. I'm not in the mood right now. I just need you to be my friend, or my lover, or whatever you are. I just need you to care right now. Listen. Don't get mad. Just let me sit here in my own screwed up mess for a minute."
"Okay."
"I love you."
"I love you, too. You know that."
"Why don't you take your helmet off more?" Fount says suddenly. "It's just us."
"What?"
"I just miss seeing your face."
"Well I don't. You have all this stuff going on, I have weird identity issues. I like it when I can forget I have a physical appearance at all."
"Doesn't it get uncomfortable?"
"It doesn't matter. Being a knight is part of who I am. Most of who I am."
"Witches sakes... that's not healthy either, Salt."
"I know."
The Fount starts running his hand up and down the bandage on his arm.
There's another silence. A longer one, this time. It's tense and cold.
"I have done it. Once." Salt admits quietly. "Hurt myself, I mean."
"Really? You? All high and mighty, virtuous Salt of Solidarity-"
"It was a mistake. It was an idiotic mistake that I made out of grief and desperation."
"When?"
"Years ago." Salt sighs. "One of the knights died in a... particularly traumatic way."
"Oh."
"I didn't know how to deal with it. Not in the moment."
"You could have talked to us, you know."
"That wasn't your burden to carry. It's fine. I just thought I should be honest with you, since you asked if I'd thought about it."
"Yeah." Fount keeps playing with the edge of the bandage. "I don't think I'm gonna stop."
"Fount."
"I'll kill myself eventually either way."
"You don't know that."
"Yes. Yes I do." He forces a smile. It looks sickly on him. "Because I know everything. I have too. If there's anything I'm sure about, one singular thing, it's that this life is going to drive me mad." Something about the look in The Founts eyes makes Salt's dough crawl. The way they looked right through him, like he was nothing, like the world was nothing. The fake smile that accompanied them. The laughter that was gnawing at the edges of his voice despite nothing being funny whatsoever. "Who's expense that will be at, I really don't know. Take this as your warning sign, really. I can't keep it all in, not anymore. I am losing it and it isn't going to get better. You can accept that or not, do what you want, but I'm gone." He laughs. "And you know that I'm gone. Deep down. You know. You've known since I tried to write that fucking book." He shudders out a sound that was almost a laugh, but it's wrong. So wrong.
"Fount-"
"When I die I want you to remember this." He makes eye contact with Salt, or what he thinks is eye contact, it's hard to tell with the helmet. "I want you to remember how you saw all the signs, how you knew, all four of you knew. Remember how none of you ever actually helped me, you just kept pushing me along. I need you to remember when I find a way to get it all to stop, when I finally manage to end this pathetic misery that I'm in, I need you to remember that you did this to me. You did this to me."
.
.
.
Gentle sunlight filtered through the purple curtains on Black Sapphires bedroom windows as he sits in his bed, procrastinating on the script he was meant to be writing. Fount had been gone for three weeks and some days. Black Sapphire felt kind of numb to it, honestly. He was used to being alone, being ignored by the older cookies who were supposed to pay attention to him when he was younger, seeing them favor everyone but him. He was used to jumping from authority figure to authority figure, looking for validation from them until they got bored of him, or he caused too much trouble, or he screwed up the life of some kid that they liked more than him. So he was numb.
He told himself he had to be numb, because even if Fount was the first genuine mentor, or authority, or parental figure he'd had, even if he had given him a stable place to stay, even if he let him talk for hours about the things he was working on even when Fount had his own work to do... it wasn't like the cycle was new. Maybe it hurt a bit more because this time it wasn't someone abandoning him, it was someone actually being hurt, but he could be numb.
Black Sapphire picked up a pen and started flipping through the pages of what he'd already written. He was so uninspired lately. It was hard to be inspired when he was worried about Fount, and he'd gotten into an argument with some of the cookies at his theatre because he'd started lying about them to other people, but he had distractions to create and he really didn't care what happened to them so it would be nice if they could kindly screw off. He spins the pen around in his hand.
Black Sapphire startles when his bedroom door opens, before he realizes who had opened it. He sits and stares at The Fount in suprise.
"Hey kid- sorry, I should have knocked. I didn't mean to scare you." The Fount sighs. He looks tired, the stars in his hair are a lot dimmer than they were before, everything about his stance is awkward.
"Are you okay!?" Black Sapphire shouts, standing up. "What happened-"
"Did you lie for me?"
"What?"
"Salt told me someone has been starting rumors to distract people from this. Was that you?"
"Yes, of course it was me. I assumed you wouldn't want anyone talking about it."
"Thank you, Sapph..." The Fount rubs Black Sapphire's shoulder. "You didn't need to do that."
"I mean, I spread stuff like that all the time, even when there isn't something to cover up. It's fun."
"Why didn't you come visit me? Not that you had to, but you seem upset about this."
"I didn't know if you'd want to see me." He shrugs.
"Of course I would want to see you!?"
Black Sapphire glances at the floor and mutters a quiet "sorry." because what else is he supposed to say? That the possibility of Fount seeing him as some dumb kid and the rejection that would come from that was so bad that avoiding it was worth not seeing him? That was selfish. He knew that was selfish. "I really missed you, I'm sorry."
Fount shakes his head. "Don't worry about it. I wasn't very pleasant to be around. It's probably better off."
Black Sapphire shifts his weight back and forth from one leg to the other. There is so much he wants to say, and so much that's been on his mind.
"You hurt yourself." He says. It isn't a question. Not really.
"Yes." Fount admits reluctantly. "Yes I did."
"Why?"
"That isn't something I want you worrying about." Fount says firmly. He meant it. Sapphire was a kid, and he clearly had a lot going on, and Fount didn't want to make that worse.
"Why not."
"Because- hey." He taps Black Sapphires shoulder. "Look at me, not at the floor."
Sapphire nods and looks at him.
"You're twenty three years old. You've never had a supportive adult in your life before, you struggle with interpersonal relationships, you still know next to nothing about the world. I'm fine with you helping me out with a few work things, and hanging out with me, but it is not your responsibility to take care of me. You're still figuring out how to take care of yourself."
"..."
"I really appreciate you trying to distract from what happened, but even that's pushing the line of how much responsibility you should be taking on from this situation."
Black Sapphire rolls his eyes and sits back down on his bed. "I'm not a child."
"I know that you're not. Listen- if you want a simple explanation, fine. I really, really hate my job. I'm tired and annoyed constantly and I don't deal with it in healthy ways. That's why I'm so strict with how much work I let you do and how much information I give you access to. This kind of stuff is heavy and it weighs on people. It makes people do irrational things that they really shouldn't do."
"Is it going to happen again?" Black Sapphire says, voice shaking.
Fount sits down next to Black Sapphire. "I don't know."
"I just don't want you to go away again." A few tears roll down his cheeks. "Please don't go away again."
"I won't go away again." He wipes Sapphires tears. "Come here."
Fount wraps his arms around Black Sapphire. They sway together as Fount gently ruffles his hair.
"I was really worried about you."
"I know." Fount sighs. "I'm okay. I'm okay. Nothing is going to happen to me."
And was he sure of that? No. Not at all. He knew he wasn't better. He knew he was getting worse. But for whatever it was worth, in this moment, he really did mean it. He wasn't going anywhere.
"Sapph?" Fount says gently, like the corners of the words would be sharp enough to break this moment apart and make one of them start crying again.
"Yeah?"
"I really care about you, okay?"
"Okay."
"I don't want you to hurt yourself, or do anything horribly self destructive."
Black Sapphire is quiet. He really doesn't want to talk about this because, as good as he is lying, he probably can't lie to Fount. And he's never been the most mentally stable, not as a kid, not as a teen, certainly not now either. Horribly self destructive was standard, expected behavior. Maybe Fount knew that. Maybe that's why he was saying this.
"I want you tell me if something like that happens, okay?"
"Something like what? Like, how bad?" Black Sapphire doesn't look at him. He can't.
"Sapph."
"It doesn't matter. I wouldn't cut myself, if that's what you're so worried about," he squeezes his wrist, "probably. There were a few times when I was a kid..." Black Sapphire says under his breath. He feels like he's admitimg to some horrific crime. "I'd just... I'd do other stuff. Less serious stuff. I'm fine, okay?"
"Is this meant to be the performance of someone who is fine, or...?"
Black Sapphire rolls his eyes. "I'm doing a better job at being fine than you are. I'm not the one who just got back from the hospital." It came out mean. He knew it was mean. He wasn't trying to be that mean, it was just a reflex.
"Excuse me?"
"Sorry." He looks down in shame. This is why everyone kept getting sick of him. This is why.
"Why on earthbread would you think that was okay to-"
"I don't know!" This is why this is why this is why this is why this is why. "Sorry." This is why. "I didn't mean it-"
"Woah. Woah. Okay. You don't need to start freaking out about it. It's fine." Fount wipes a few tears from Sapphire's face.
Black Sapphire pushes his hand away. "Stop acting like you're concerned!"
"What-"
"Stop acting like I'm a danger to myself, or whatever you think, when you're the one that's actually doing stupid, self destructive bullshit and then patronizing me when I get concerned about it! Stop worrying about me! Stop trying to parent me or protect me or whatever you're doing because I don't want to deal with it when something inevitably happens to you!"
"Sapphire-"
"I don't really care what you think about my mental state when you obviously care more about letting yourself fall apart than you do about actually helping anyone else!"
"I didn't choose to get dragged to a hospital!"
"You chose to hurt yourself!"
"Well no one was meant to know about it, Sapphire! I think that's pretty obvious!"
"Oh! But people knew anyways! I knew anyways! How do you think that rubs off on me! What impression do you think that leaves! That the first time someone actually takes care of me and doesn't act like they want me to go away, they turn around and almost kill themself!"
"Witches sakes, you are so dramatic! I wasn't going to kill myself! I can't kill myself even if I wanted to!"
"Well it really scared me!"
"Well I didn't ask for you to follow me around like a lost cake hound puppy that got separated from it's mom too early and bites everything it's scared of! I didn't sign up for the responsibility of being a good example to you!"
"You're meant to be a good example for everyone!"
"And that's exactly why I wanna kill myself! But I try to hide that from you, at the least!"
"Leave me alone!"
"It's my library?" Fount scoffs
Black Sapphire pathetically tosses a pen at him. "You're a terrible person! I hate you! You're a self centered, lying, hypocritical-"
Fount left. He didn't go very far, to be clear. He left the room and sat on the staircase two feet away. He put his head in his hands and let out a heavy sigh. He didn't want to take it too personally. Sapphire was clearly very upset over what had happened. Over his only little bit of support being taken away, and that support also being much less stable than he had assumed. Fount didn't exactly like being the singular supportive presence in his life, either. He kept encouraging Black Sapphire to join different events, just to connect with more people. It never really worked, because eventually Black Sapphire would end up snapping at them and they'd understandably pull away. Fount could deal with it. Usually. Sapphire had even gotten better at communicating instead of... well... what just happened.
So he was trying not to take it too personally. Being called a liar and a hypocrite and being told he clearly doesn't care and that he's failing everyone. He knew Sapphire was just listing off whatever would hurt him the most. That's what he did when he got upset. It was just a lot harder for Fount to handle it when he was doing worse than usual.
.
.
.
Fount can hear the salty dirt shift under his shoes as he waves at a few Kala Namak knights. He didn't want to have a long conversation with any of them. He really wasn't in any state to have a conversation with anybody. He approaches the small castle of Salt's domain and gives the guards a small, forced smile.
"Is Salt- uh- The Commander here?" Right. They still act like he's some high and mighty figure they need to look up to. Lord Commander. Ugh. He has to stop himself from rolling his eyes. Is he even here or did he run off again? "I really need to talk to him?"
"He just got back from training with some of The Knights."
"Can I talk to him?" Fount asks again. "It's important."
"Let me go ask him."
The guard comes back, and then leads The Fount of Knowledge to a room where Salt was sitting. He watches as the gaurd leaves, shutting the door behind them.
"Hello, Fount." Salt says, looking at him from across a large table.
Fount tries to get himself to speak. He can't form words.
"I'm suprised you're here. I was under the assumption that you hated me right now?"
"I don't." He whispers.
"Last time we talked-"
"I know." He says. "I know." He repeats. Please believe me. Please don't leave me alone right now. "I'm on the verge of doing something really bad to myself." Fount whispers.
Salt of Solidarity sighs. "It's been, what, a day since you left the hospital?"
Fount doesn't acknowledge that statement. Instead he crumples into a ball on the floor. Pulls his knees to his chest. Whimpers. "I think I made him worse."
"What? Who-"
"I thought, I mean, I'm failing almost everyone. I thought if- if I was helping him then I haven't completely lost my purpose. I'm still useful. But I made him worse. I failed him too." His chest hurts. When did breathing become this difficult?
"Fount. Calm down. Is this about that kid you took in?" Salt sits down next to The Fount.
There's a long, heavy silence between the two. Fount can't feel his body. It's not really his. It never really has been. It feels like he's floating, like he's outside of his body. An unstoppable pressure is pushing down on him, drowning him, choking him, hurting him. It makes him wonder how far the regenerative abilities of the souljam goes. It makes him wonder if he could out run the immortal fate that won't stop squeezing and squeezing and squeezing all the sanity out of him. He thinks about how it would feel to bleed out on the tiled floor of his chamber, that floor that has become his dearest friend over and over. Even if it didn't work, it would give him a break. He doesn't deserve a break. He's such a strain on the universe. He needs to disappear.
Fount takes an unstable breath. "Salt." He shakes out. "Salt I'm going to hurt myself." He grabs at his shoulders. "Badly." Salt took his helmet off at some point. Fount didn't notice until now. He looks him in the eyes, silently begging him to save him or kill him or do something in between the two. "I'm scared."
Fount has that look in his eyes again. That lost, terrified, angry, pleading, panicked look. Eyes that stare right through someone into their soul, no, past it. Just narrowly missing the most important pieces of the picture, so overloaded with details that it all becomes a blur, until nothing is noteable at all. The kind of look an animal makes before it is slaughtered. The kind of look his Knights have made before they die right in front of him. But colder, just ever so slightly colder.
"I thought," Fount's voice wavers with the repressed urge to scream, "I thought maybe he could be the one thing I don't screw up." He looks around the room, suddenly wanting to look at anything but a person who could perceive him. "But I broke him too. My last chance to prove I haven't completely lost it, and I broke him too." He pulls away from Salt's hands, the feeling of being held suddenly being too overwhelming. Because being held means being seen.
"Helping other people is hard, and convoluted, and you won't always get it right. But you definitely won't be able to get it right if you don't calm down."
"I can't calm down! I'm going to kill myself and you aren't taking it seriously and I'm scared!"
"But you aren't."
"What. What are you talking about. You aren't me. You don't know that-"
"If you really thought you needed to kill yourself, you wouldn't be begging me to stop you." Salt says, offering a hand to Fount again but not touching him just yet. "You can stay with me in here until the feeling goes away, but you need to calm down. It will go away, but only if you calm down."
Fount stares at him like he'd just invented a new language. "You aren't getting it! I am going to hurt myself!"
"I'd stop you if you tried to. I promise."
.
.
.
Black Sapphire sat on a prop chair, trying his hardest not to think too hard about anything in particular while he listened to Mocha Drizzle Cookie and Cinnamon Pie Cookie talk about costume ideas for their play. He'd spent more time on his hair, and dressed a little more dramatically than normal, and done makeup, and might have been wearing a corset under his clothes that was definitely too tight so he looked nicer. Because he just remembered that the only actual way to get anyone to stick around was to be superficial and surface level. He can't believe he almost forgot that. Despite his desperate attempts to draw attention to himself, no one had said anything. Assholes. He litterally wrote their whole show, and they have the nerve to ignore him. Couldn't they understand he was better than all of them? He didnt even need to be here! They were so below him, they should be happy he's spending time on them.
"Pineberry! Come here!"
"Hm?" Pineberry walked over to Black Sapphire. "What is it?"
"Do you want to read over this part of the script I wrote last night?"
"Doesn't Butterscotch normally do that?"
"Well does it look like they're here today? No. Plus, you're the lead so I want your opinion too."
"Oh. Alright."
"Thanks."
Flings were another thing that got him a lot of attention without having to try that hard. The downside was that they usually ended badly, but... this one hadn't ended yet so he wasn't worried about it. Plus, he wasn't trying to hurt anyone's feelings. He liked Pineberry a little, he was cute and funny and Black Sapphire never did relationships with the intent for them to last a long time, but he also wanted to like the people he was with at least a little bit. So he wasn't really doing anything wrong. He still cared about his feelings, he wasn't just using him. Mostly.
"This is really nice!"
"You think so?"
"Yeah."
Black Sapphire takes the script back and lets his hand linger on Pineberrys for just a second longer than he probably should.
"So, uhm..."
"The girls are probably going to be talking in here for a while, why don't you show me the new costume they made for you?"
"Yeah, yeah. Come into the back room with me."
Black Sapphire gets up off the chair and follows the other boy backstage.
He puts on his costume and spins around dramatically. Black Sapphire compliments him. They flirt for a bit. Make out. Go back to the others. Rehearse. Chit chat. Someone brings out snacks and Black Sapphire doesn't take any of them because he needs to look nice so people will pay attention to him. His stomach aches. He ignores it because he needs to look nice so people will like him. He is fine. Time passes by. Black Sapphire and Pineberry talk more. He dodges any personal questions. Can't they go back to the part where they didn't know each other enough for that and he could just tell that this guy thinks he's cool and hot and special? That was good enough for him. He really wasn't trying to be mean, it was just hard to care about anyone that much. He wasn't even sure if he could, honestly.
Black Sapphire had been paying more attention to the cracks in the side walk than the conversation they were having. He blinks a few times. Fully processing that they were walking around outside now. He felt so out of it today. Whatever. That was fine. He was fine.
"Are you alright?"
"Oh, me? Yeah! I'm fine!"
"You've just seemed... lost? All day, no, all month honestly."
"Oh, I don't know. I've been fine." He lies. "I had to stay up late for a few weeks to help with some stuff at work, it's probably just that!" He charms, or at least tries to.
"Okay, if you're sure..."
"I'm sure!" Black Sapphire forces a smile. "Listen, I really need to get going now but I'm free tomorrow-"
"I thought you always worked on Tuesday-"
"Well-" shit "I have a day off tomorrow!"
"It feels like you keep having days off."
"I don't know, must be your imagination."
The truth was he didn't have to go at all, but he was having trouble keeping up conversation. He was so tired. He hadn't been working, obviously, but he hadn't been sleeping much either. The whole time Fount was gone he was so anxious he couldn't sleep, and the past three nights since that fight he hasn't slept well either. Pacing around, trying to distract himself by writing more, wandering around in the middle of the night doing nothing in specifc. Crying. Screaming. Telling himself he was perfectly fine. He hadn't really been eating for the past three days, which also wasn't helping with his lack of energy. Since Fount has now proven that he is an unreliable asshole, Black Sapphire has given up completely on forming any healthy bond with anyone in a position of authority. Like he said earlier, it was a lot easier to get validation from being the smartest, hottest, most interesting person in the room and making everyone else think he was super cool. So he'd just go back to making friendships he knew wouldn't last. And relationships. And starting arguments with random people in public for attention. And seeing how absurd the rumors he made up could get.
But he was fine, obviously.
He was in a completely stable state of mind.
Which is why stopped by a shop on the way home to buy a bottle of berry juice and why he was drinking it while walking home.
Because he was fine.
This is definitely what people who are fine do.
.
.
.
Black Sapphire had a plan. Walk into the library, fumble his way up the stairs, flop into his bed, cry, and go to sleep. This plan was immediately interrupted by the sound of a smug "Hi Sapph!"
He turns to look at Fount, who was sitting on a stool in the library like he'd been waiting for him.
"You're drunk." Fount observes. "So, remember when I said I was worried about you being self destructive and you got super angry at me?" He crosses his arms. "Are we ready to admit I was being completely reasonable with my concern, or...?"
"If you're going to be a prick about it can you please just leave me alone?" Sapphire's voice shakes more than he expected it to. Sounds don't fit together the way they are supposed to and his mind feels like there's a big cloud of fog directly interfering with his ability to speak.
Fount frowns. "I'm concerned about you. Sorry. About the smugness." He walks over to Black Sapphire. "And about the other day."
Black Sapphire sways back and forth on his feet. "No it's fine. I'm over it." He slurs, before attempting to take another sip from the bottle he'd been holding and instead spilling in on his shirt. "Fuck."
"Yeah, okay, I am kindly asking you to give this to me now." Fount takes the bottle from his hands and sighs. "When did you buy this? Where did you buy this?"
"I don't wan' talk to you."
Fount places the bottle down on a table. "Why don't you want to talk to me, exactly?"
"Because you made it really clear that I'm an inconvenience to you. An' you're unreliable an' selfish an' annoying anyways."
Fount has to take a deep breath to stop himself from saying something snarky. "I mean, I can't really argue with unreliable, or selfish, or annoying. Those are all things that I am more often than not. But I want to make it very, very clear that I have never seen you as an inconvenience."
"You compared me to an abused puppy following you around."
Fount clicks his tongue. "Yeah... I did say that, didn't I."
Black Sapphire crosses his arms. "You're a bad person."
"Yeah, I know. I didn't mean any of that, though. I know that doesn't fix it, but I really didn't mean it."
"Then why'd you say it."
"I don't know, Sapph! Because I am a bad person! Because I'm in an awful mental state and shouldn't be anyone's role model, because I'm an asshole, because this, because that."
"... you realize all that in the last three days?"
Fount shakes his head. "No. I've known all that for a while. I could sit here and list off everything I should or shouldn't have done, and everything I've done wrong, but that won't get us anywhere."
Black Sapphire stares at Fount for a few minutes. And then he starts crying. Messy, drunk crying.
Fount walks back over to him and puts a supportive hand on his back. He moves his hand in a slow circle. "C'mon. It's okay." He says gently. He leads Black Sapphire over to a couch and helps him sit down. "It's okay."
Black Sapphire sways, even though he's sitting down now. He hates crying, it makes his head feel stuffy. His head already feels stuffy. "You still think taking me in was a good idea? Letting me work with you, letting me live here, wasting all this time on me?" He laughs. "For a little while there I almost started thinking of you like my dad, but clearly that was a bad idea since you think I'm, apparently, an annoying lost puppy-"
"For Witches sake, Sapphire, I didn't mean that."
"Well it hurt my feelings!" He sobs.
"Wait-" Fount fully processes. "You thought of me like your dad??"
"Yeah, I know. It's stupid and embarrassing and I'm sorry-"
"No. Nononono. Don't be sorry." Fount sighs. "I'm sorry that I hurt you when you really needed me."
"I'm used to that."
"Yeah, but-"
"It's fine. I don't need the long pre-made apology. You didn't mean to hurt me, I should expect better from people, blah blah. Maybe I would believe that if anyone who said it ever actually meant it."
"I do mean it." Fount sighs.
There's a pause.
"If you promise me nothing really bad is going to happen to you then I'll believe that you're sorry."
"What?"
"Don't get hurt please." Sapphires voice cracks. "Don't get hurt in a way that's going to make you go away. Because if you're going to go away like that again then I'd really rather you just stop trying to take care of me."
Purple, pleading eyes met Founts blue and yellow ones. Thousands of silent questions get asked from the exchange.
"I won't go away like that again. I'm okay. I promise I'll be okay."
"Okay."
"And I'm sorry that-"
"Stop apologizing. You're wearing it out."
Fount just nods.
Black Sapphire layed on his side, with a trash can next to his bed that Fount had left there. Fount was sitting criss cross on the floor, looking at Black Sapphire but not saying anything. They'd been quiet since Sapphires pathetic plea of please don't hurt yourself. He felt stupid for asking like that but he was scared. He curls in on himself slightly, his whole torso aches when he moves from how tight he'd had that corset earlier. He feels a pang of hunger. It's getting really hard to ignore it.
"Dad?" He whispers.
Fount looks at him, quite startled by the title but trying to hide it. "Sapph? What is it?" He says, trying to keep his voice smooth.
"I've barely eaten anything for the past three days." He admits. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Okay..." Fount really doesn't know what to do with this.
"I just needed to tell someone. Is that okay?" Sapphire looks at him. That pleading expression is back, but this time there's a hint of something else, too.
Fount doesn't want to push this vulnerability away when Sapphire has never opened up this much before. He can't be overbearing, he can't panic or shame him or get mad but he really doesn't know how to react right now. "We don't need to talk about it right now, but can we talk about it once you feel better?"
"Okay. Are you mad?"
"... no. I'm not. I'm concerned, though."
"You've done worse than starve yourself."
"Right, but I'm immortal. You are not."
"I's okay. I'll be fine. I'm still pretty powerful."
"Yes, but you aren't immortal"
"I'm only starving a little." He shrugs. "Not a big deal."
"Sapphire. Go to sleep."
"Okay." He glances at Fount again. He doesn't feel secure. He probably never will. "You'll still be my dad tomorrow and won't decide you're just sick of me?" he asks, and that question isn't new. It's been plaguing his mind for months, normally he's just stable enough not to ask it.
Fount feels something shift deep in his soul. An urge to protect, or at least attempt to protect, to keep safe and show actual love and trust. He is not very good at doing that. Witches damn it, though, he is going to try. "Of course I'll still be your dad tomorrow. I'll never be sick of you."
"Okay. I'm sorry 'm such a mess."
"It's okay."
"I jus' want to feel better." Black Sapphire whimpers. "Feel however I'm supposed to, stop pushing people away, stop hurting them, hurting myself, ruining every situation I'm ever put in."
It's this exact moment that Fount realizes how familiar this pattern of behavior actually is. How it's like looking in a mirror and seeing himself a few hundred years ago. The desperate need to understand what's going on in his own head, the failure to connect with anybody in a way that actually mattered, the exhaustion, being willing to do anything to get it to stop, even for a second.
He looks at Sapph, who's finally fallen asleep.
It really is like looking at himself. A version of himself that wasn't too far gone yet.
At least he hopes that he isn't too far gone yet.
.
.
.
Fount slept on the couch of the library that night. Something in his gut just told him he should, and he'd rather not take chances. The rest of the night was fine, but he had trouble staying asleep. He kept having nightmares of own, and when he did manage to sleep every little noise would wake him up. The couch was also absolutely not made for someone to sleep on it, and he had so much work he was so behind on that he couldn't stop worrying about, and his wrists really ached because even though it had only been two days since he and Salt talked he had already hurt himself multiple times, and he couldn't stop thinking about it because he was so stressed and tired and he felt like he was on the edge of his sanity or lack of, but he wasn't allowed to break because Sapphire really needed him and he'd already let him down over and over and over again. Fount couldn't afford any more mistakes. Not right now.
Fount is woken up from a very light sleep by the feeling of Black Sapphire dramatically nudging him. Fount opens his eyes and blinks a few times. He glances out the window, orange light filters in. It must be morning. He looks back to Black Sapphire.
"Hey Sapphire." He yawns.
"Why are you here."
"What?"
"You slept here. Why?"
"Why?" Fount raises an eyebrow at him. "I'm sorry, would you leave yourself alone in this state? Probably not."
"But I was fine! Why don't you trust me?"
"It's not about wether or not I trust you. People do stupid things when they're upset. I wanted to make sure you were okay, okay?"
Black Sapphire crosses his arms. "Okay..." he says, before he winces as a wave of pain crashes through his head, piling up on top of how stuffy and bad he already felt. "My head hurts." He whines before he can stop himself from complaining.
"Yeah," Fount gives him a look, "starving and getting drunk will do that, were you expecting a better outcome?"
"..."
"Oh no! The consequences of your actions!" He makes a fake hissing noise. "Scary, aren't they?"
"Stop being an asshole." Sapphire snaps at him.
"I prefer smartass."
"Fount!"
"Oh my Witches, calm down. I'll go get you some pain relievers. And breakfast."
As much as Black Sapphire hates to admit, meds and food and tea did help him clear his head. He still didn't feel great, but he felt so much better than he had before. A quiet stretched across the library. Fount sat right on the edge of the kitchen and the rest of the library, skimming through a book. It was related to something he needed to be working on, but he was only so invested right now. He kept glancing up at Sapphire, who had been quiet for a good hour or so now. He wishes he knew what was going on inside of his head. So he could help. Or at least show that he understands. Maybe he doesn't understand, though. Even if the feelings were quite similar, Fount had the power of a god, the respect of an entire domain, while Sapphire was just a powerless kid in comparison. Even if Fount thought he understood, he really didn't. He couldn't understand all of it.
The quiet of the room is interrupted by Black Sapphire suddenly gasping "I'm meant to meet up with my boyfriend later, damn it!" and then promptly, very dramatically, flopping his head and arms onto the table and whining. "I feel awful, I can't do anything today."
Fount looks up at him in pure confusion. "Your boyfriend??? You have a boyfriend?"
"Well, not really my boyfriend, just some guy that I flirt with sometimes. It doesn't really mean anything important."
"You never told me about this?"
"You aren't actually my dad, I don't need to tell you everything." Black Sapphire picks his head up from the table. "Plus, it's not like it's anything official or important."
Fount gets up from where he had been sitting. He walks over to the table, leaning against it and sighing. "So, what's the situation with this guy? You wouldn't have brought it up if it wasn't bothering you."
Black Sapphire shrugs. "I've been flirting with this guy for a few months, we fool around sometimes, it's really not that serious." Well, it wasn't meant to be that serious, but Pineberry kept trying to get to know him and it was really annoying. Everyone's lives were easier when Black Sapphire got to play a perfectly crafted character and not be his horrible, unbearable self. He didn't understand why people bothered trying when he was clearly trying to keep them at an arms length. "I just like the attention, honestly." He admits. Was that bad? Probably. He tried to be nice too, though. It's not like he was ever mean to Pineberry, or anyone else he's dated. Usually. Unless they start pushing him too far, then they usually end up arguing, or if he gets bored and starts some rumor about them. He was trying to work on that, though. He knew that was wrong, he didn't know why he acted like that, it's just the only way he's ever felt safe.
Fount frowns. "I have a feeling you didn't tell me about this because you knew I'd say it was unhealthy for both of you."
"I'm not trying to hurt him or anything. It's just hard to care about anyone like that."
"Then why are you with him?"
Black Sapphire stares at the table. Because it makes me feel better about myself? He can't just say that, even if it's the truth. Fount was staring at him, judging him. Even if he wouldn't admit it. He could tell he was judging him. "Listen, if you want to call me a whore or something, can you just spit it out already?"
"I would never call you that."
"..."
"I'm just worried about you, okay?"
"Because I have some guy I flirt with?"
"Because it's really obvious you only have self worth if someone else thinks your important, whether that's romantically, or an authority figure being proud of you, or people paying attention to you on stage."
"We'll maybe I'm just worth paying attention to! I am important!"
"Yes. You are. But if you were actually secure in that feeling you wouldn't be yelling at me right now, you wouldn't be dating guys you don't like, you wouldn't be paranoid of how other people see you."
"Well I like him a little bit, I'm not trying to hurt his feelings, or-"
"That's not the point."
"..."
"Sapphire. I promise that you aren't too difficult to love, you aren't this huge hassle that everyone will want to avoid, you aren't something that needs to be hidden away behind some fake personality."
"Maybe I'd have an easier time buying that if it ever actually proved to be true. I'm not an idiot. I know the things I do are wrong. I mean, even you got mad at me."
"I can be mad at you and still care about you."
Black Sapphire starts tapping his nails against the table. "I wish I could actually feel it."
"What?"
"Anything that I'm supposed to. Love and connection and comfort and security and... not this overwhelming fear and doubt all the time." He stops tapping. "Anything good that happens to me gets overshadowed and pushed aside by this urge to ruin it all by myself before anyone else can."
"I get that." Fount sighs. He wishes he could give him some better advice, but he's been stuck in the same bad cycles for hundreds of years.
Black Sapphire gets up from the table. "I'm going to take a nap. Bye."
"Alright." Fount watches him as he walks to the stairs. "I'm gonna stay here and work, so, if you need anything please come talk to me?"
.
.
.
Fount wanted to believe that the days would get easier, now. That maybe in the half a year that went by, it would get easier. Now that he reconciled with Sapphire, or maybe now that he'd expressed his problems to Flour, or maybe now that he wasn't on such shaky terms with Salt. It would get easier. He wasn't going to lose it. Not yet. That's what he had to keep telling himself. If he said it enough it would be true. Probably.
The days would get better. If he ignored the fact that lying to himself meant he'd already cross a line he couldn't come back from. One thing they wanted from him. That was all. Just be an unbiased, unwavering, unconditional truth. Like the constellations that floated through his hair. They didn't bend to the whims of cookie or witch, they didn't waver, only waxing and waning as intended. They certainly didn't bend the truth, didn't lie, didn't insist on a reality so far removed from the one in front of his own two eyes. No. They filled his soul with an understanding he simply could not bear anymore. Was it too much to want to see the world the way others do? To beg to be in any role but his own. Maybe being naive and unaware wasn't a bad thing. Maybe that's what made everyone else tolerate being alive.
Fount sighs and runs his hand along a cluster of Pudding Blossoms that had bloomed near a river. He was laying on his stomach, chin resting on one arm, the other one reaching out towards the flowers. He was in Sugar's domain now. Pudding Blossoms appeared all around the continent, but they were rare. This forest was the most common place for them. He came to this specific spot along this river every year during their season.
Sugar didn't know he was here right now, or at least that was what he thought. This assumption is quickly corrected when he hears footsteps approach him, and then he sees her. She sits down next to him. He doesn't react. It's not that he doesn't want to, he just can't be bothered.
"I haven't seen you since the hospital." Sugar says quietly. "Fount."
"Mh." It feels weird to hear the event verbalized. He really hasn't talked to her much in the months since. He hasn't talked to her or Spice, he's been really on and off with Salt, and he'd talked to Flour mostly to ask her for healing bandages or just to have someone to relax with.
"I've been worried about you."
"I'm alright. Focus on your own domain."
Sugar frowns at him, wings curling in on herself slightly. An anxious tell Fount had noticed ages ago.
"Sugarcube," he finally makes eye contact with her.
"It's just getting hard to see everyone in so much pain all of the time." Her wings wrap around her more, shielding her off from the outside world. "Every direction I turn, there is always someone on the verge of something. It's exhausting. It's really exhausting and scary, but at least with them I can fix it! I can make them be happy! If I take all of their ills away, wrap them in eternal paradise, then maybe everybody will stop hurting so much! But you? You're outside of my control, if something happens to you I am completely powerless to fix it!"
"If it's worth anything, I came here because this place makes me happy. This river, these flowers, the air in general. The sweetness in the breeze and the way the sugar in the dirt sparkles in the sun." Fount looks at the pudding blossoms again. "I really like the flowers."
"I'm actually suprised those are here right now. There was a storm a few weeks ago." She groans. "I thought I was getting better at preventing storms."
"Storms are important for the life cycle of the plants." Fount sighs. "Also, it makes complete sense that these are still here. They're quite good at surving through harsh weather. In fact, they thrive in it. Growing in the places that weaker plants couldn't survive. Every single year. Some creative works actually use them of a symbol of perseverance."
"Oh. I didn't know that."
"Yeah, well, it isn't like you have to. It isn't your job to know."
"Yes, but it's interesting and I'm glad you told me." She smiles.
"... yeah, of course."
The plants sway in the wind as time passes by. The river continues to flow, carrying leaves and sticks and memories along with it, twisting and turning as it so pleases.
"Hey," Sugar says suddenly, voice echoing around, bouncing off of the trees.
"Sugarcube?"
"I love you." She says, laying on the ground next to Fount and wrapping an arm around his back. She's warm, soft, delicate. Like an angel that's emerged from the trees around them to, just for a moment, let him glimpse into a heaven he knows he can not ever truly reach. A gift from something divine. An embrace that won't cure his misfortune, but will, for a moment, let him escape from it. An embrace given by an angel with dirt on her clothes, shaky wings, and tired eyes. An embrace only another tired, divine presence could accept.
Fount smiles. "I love you too."
One small drop of water works it's way through the cover of the leaves above. It lands on the ground right in front of the two angels, wetting the dirt beneath it. Then another one falls. And another. And another. And another. Once the first five droplets fall, the rest follow soon after.
"It's raining!" Fount laughs.
"Ugh. I'm so bad at keeping the weather nice-"
"Rain can be nice too." He says, standing up. He offers Sugar a hand, she takes it. "And like I already said, the pretty plants need it."
Rain continues to sneak it's way through the trees. The dirt under their feet slowly softens, hair and clothes start to dampen, but it's gentle. A soft haze cast over the world around them.
Fount grabs Sugars hands and smiles an ever so slightly devious smile.
"What? Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Float with me?"
"What?"
"Float with me!" Fount says again, before levitating ever so slightly. Sugar follows his lead, wings flapping gently. Once their a foot or so in the air, rain still pouring down on them, Fount slowly starts to spin them. Sugar is suprised at first, then starts to lean into the spin. They twirl around in the air, water being thrown around from the wind creates from the motion, coming back to hit them. They continue to spin, around and around, speeding up and slowing down, speeding up and slowing down. Eventually, a smile breaks through onto her face. Then laughter. Then they're both laughing. Laughing so hard that they need to come down from cloud nine so they don't fall multiple feet down onto the ground from losing coordination. As their feet touch the soggy soil, and water weighs down their clothes, and dripping hair falls in both of their faces... they simply continue to laugh even harder than before. All responsibilities and worries gone for just a moment. They don't exist as Virtues, or leaders, or failures, they just exist in the here and now. For a moment, the rain can be the only thing that is falling.
They're both cold and sopping wet by the time they get back to Sugar's castle. The floor has become one big puddle underneath them, but both could easily clean that up with magic. Fount didn't really mind the sensation of his robes being soaked, except for the sleeves sticking to his arms and irritating his newest arts and crafts project done out of morbid curiosity. He tried his hardest not to give any visual indication of discomfort when he moved his arms. He just had to focus on something else. Like the overwhelmingly sweet scent in the room. Marshmallows and sugar and candy.
"Hey, why don't you go dry off? You look uncomfortable." Sugar observes. "I could make you something to eat while you-"
"I'm fine! Plus, shouldn't I help with... that." Fount motions to the water all over the floor.
"I'll handle it! You're my guest. I want to make you happy while you're here."
Fount nods and walks off, finding his way to a bathroom. He slips his robes off and sighs in relief at what felt like fifty pounds of water weight being lifted off of his shoudlers. His undershirt and shorts are damp, but it is a noteable improvement. Fount rolls up his sleeve to look at his, now irritated, breakdown from the day before. He quickly pulls his sleeve back over it and closes his eyes so tight they hurt, like that will somehow erase the image of his own personal undoing from his mind. He grabs a towel and starts to dry off his hair.
Sugar is mixing far too much sugar into a teacup when Fount walks up behind her and puts a towel on her head.
"Huh?"
"Let me dry your hair. Also, please tell that that's your tea and not mine."
Suagr laughs. "It's mine. I think you'd gag if I gave you this one."
Fount starts to dry Sugar's hair, humming quietly to himself as he does so. "I'm glad you found me outside."
"Me too."
"It's probably a good thing you did."
"Well obviously it's a good thing! I've missed you so much-"
"No, I mean..." Fount sighs. "I really wanted to make sure I saw those flowers again, because I don't know if anywhere else has them, or if I'd be anywhere at all right now. I definitely wouldn't be anywhere that anyone could come and find me."
"Oh."
"I'd just been thinking." Fount moves the towel down to Sugar's wings. He gently starts to dry off her feathers. "I don't know if I would have done anything, or what that would entail." He makes sure to move carefully, not wanting to irritate her wings. He'd lied to Sapphire, told him that he had to leave for an impromptu Virtue thing and he would be gone for a week or two. He didn't want him coming to look for him if he really did decide to go away somewhere. "So thank you for sitting with me and talking with me." Fount sighs and runs a hand up and down Sugars feathers. "See, you do make people happy. You make me happy."
"What's the point if it isn't permanent? I can make people as happy as they can be, doesn't mean anything if it doesn't last."
"You can't control the whole world, you know. That isn't a fault with you. Every time I'm around you, I'm happier than I was before. I think that means you're doing enough."
"I just don't want you to do anything stupid."
Fount goes quiet.
Sugar doesn't push the issue.
"Sugarcube?" Fount says, after a long pause. The air suddenly feels stiff, he can feel every mark on his skin screaming, can feel his bones ache, can feel his fate fall farther and farther down. "Do you think there's a point someone gets to that they can't come back from?"
"What? Why are you asking me that?"
"I don't know." Fount grabs a section of her hair and parts it into three. "I just wonder if it's something I can prevent, or if I just have to try to tolerate the path while I stumble down it."
"Prevent what?"
"You know what I'm talking about." Fount goes to cross a section of Sugar's hair over another. Five strands of pretty pink hair slip from his fingers. "Nevermind. I'll stop bugging you about it-"
There's a loud knock at the door.
Fount and Sugar look at each other in confusion.
There's another knock.
Sugar sighs and walks over to the door. When she opens it, Salt is standing, arms crossed and clearly very annoyed.
"Is Fount here?" He asks, voice on the edge of anger.
Sugar looks at Fount, then back at Salt. "... why?"
"Is he here. Yes or no."
"Yes, but why-"
"Can I talk to him? Please?"
"Yes! Sure! But why!?" Suagr shouts at him. "I'm not trying to prevent you, I'm just confused! And you seem upset, and we had a good day, and I don't want you ruining his mood and-"
"Well that's unfortunate for him, then."
Sugar crosses her arms and pouts. "Can't you come back later?"
"I have been all over everyone's domain looking for him. Forgive me for the... attitude."
"Fount! Come here! Mr. All High and Mighty needs to talk to you."
Fount walks to the door, confusion evident on his face. He looks at Salt, the way his body language was so... irritated. They'd been on good terms. Good terms... well... better terms. What was the problem now. Ugh.
"Heyyyy Commander!" Fount sings, trying to ease the tension. "What's wrong? Why do you seem so upset? You seek me out and you aren't even happy to see me? Come on!"
"Unfortunately I am not happy to see you, no."
"Well, come on, the audience is waiting! Let us know why!"
"Maybe it has something to do with the fact I've got your weird apprentice currently being escorted around with me while I try to find you. Because he felt like interfering with The Knights work for no apperant reason."
"What? Sapphire wouldn't do that! He seems like such a sweetie?" Sugar frowns.
"What..." Fount groans. "Okay. Yeah. I'll come out and talk to you."
Fount follows Salt outside, and then a good thrity feet away from Sugar's castle. He gets led to a spot where Nox was being fed by one of Salt's knights, along with a few more all standing near Black Sapphire and glaring at him, clearly not letting him walk more than a few inches away from them at a time.
Sapphire stares at Fount, an unreadable expression on his face. He looks like he's going to scream, and laugh, and cry. Fount can't figure out why, or what's even going on.
"So, now that I've finally found where you ran off to-"
"Alright, hypocrite, Firstly, you get them to let my kid go."
"He's being irritational, and threatening people, and-"
"Oh! That wasn't a question, Lord Commander. I'm telling you to make them let him walk around without five knights with their hands on their swords around him. I think that my directions were very clear."
Salt sighs and turns to the knights. He waves a hand towards them. "Let the kid walk around, I guess."
"Thank you! Now that we are all acting like respectful adults, please tell me what in the Witches Names happened that is so serious that you need to come track me down and practically drag me outside!"
"Well why does no one know where you are?"
"Once again, you are a hypocrite! Also, not relevant to what I asked you!"
"Well personally I could consider causing public unrest, trying to steal my Knights equipment, arguing with them when getting caught, threatening them and himself, threatening me, and so many other disturbances and distractions worth all the hassle."
Fount looks at Sapphire, pure confusion on his face. Sapphire has his arms crossed and is staring at the ground. Fount frowns and looks back at Salt.
"I do not know what on earthbread made him be so irrational and violent, but-"
"I feel like you must be exaggerating, at least a little bit, Salty."
"Don't call me that right now."
"Don't be such a bore! I can't call you anything but Lord Commander, blah blah blah."
"Because I am working."
"And being extremely overdramatic. I mean, did anyone actually get hurt?"
"Well, no, but-"
"But what?"
"He caused a completely unnecessary scene in the middle of public, scared so many cookies, and then while my Knights were focused on that, he tried to steal from us!"
"I wasn't actually going to take anything! I just wanted to move it around and mess it up." Black Sapphire corrects him.
"But why."
"Can't you deal with a prank, you unloyal, unjust, hypocritical, worthless pile of salt?"
"Excuse me!?"
"Oh my Witches, Salt! He doesn't really mean it! He's overwhelmed now because you had him escorted all around for... how long, Sapph?"
"Basically the whole day."
"Basically the whole day! Listen," Fount puts a hand on Salt's shoulder. He flinches. "I know you're really upset, but he's still really young and doesn't know exactly when to quit sometimes. I'll make sure this doesn't happen again so how about you forget about it and move on?"
"Fount. This is not something I can just-"
"Forget about it, and move on." Fount says again, a creepy smile forming on his face.
Fount looks at Salt, creepy smile only growing, eyes glowing two unsettling shades of blue that feel like they're breaking Salt's mind apart. It feels like he's suddenly been surrounded by a weird force, screaming over and over and over "forget about it and move on." The words wriggle their way into the depths of his psych.
"Fine." He scoffs, because he suddenly can't think of anything to do besides forget about it and move on.
Then the feeling suddenly stops.
Fount takes a harsh breath in, everything feels weird and wrong and cold, his soul feels like it's trying to reject him, he feels like he's just discovered a cheat code to the universe, it feels like the universe will come back to bite him for this.
"Come on Sapph. We're going home. Now." Fount starts to walk away, grabbing Sapphires arm and dragging him away.
"Ow! That hurts!"
Fount loosens his grip. "Sorry. Didn't mean to."
"What did you just... do? To Salt, I mean?"
"I don't know." Fount sighs. "I don't know. Please stop talking to me."
They walk for a while. Quiet. Tense. It takes a good few hours to get back to Fount's domain. Fount wordlessly leads Sapphire to the library.
The air is just as still inside the library as it was the entire walk there.
"... thank you for getting me out of trouble." Sapphire whispers.
"What on earthbread were you thinking, Black Sapphire!?" Fount snaps. "I know that you're smarter than this, so I am genuinely lost on why you thought any of this was okay. Do you think your immune to consequences!? Do you think the world revolves around you!? Do you think-"
"Because I don't like him! Is that a good enough answer!"
"I don't like a lot of people, Sapph! I don't react like this!"
"You say, while screaming at me."
"Can you take this seriously! Witches, why are you being like this!? Do you want attention, is that it? Well look! You have it! You have it from me, from the knights, from all of earthbread, probably! That's what you do everything for, isn't it!?"
"It doesn't matter anymore." Black Sapphire crosses his arms. "It really doesn't matter anymore." His voice trembles, despite how hard he tries to stop it from doing so. Despite how hard he's trying to seem like he doesn't care, like none of this is affecting him, he's shaking. Years and years of unpacked fears and memories bubbling right to the surface of his dough exactly when he needs them to go away, clawing away at him from the inside out, because he's still ended up back here. Shaking and stuttering and failing to defend himself for actions he should not have taken but seemed so sensible at the time. Losing someone's respect and care. Again. "I was trying to fucking help you." He forces out. His voice cracks at the edges but he doesn't cry.
"What."
"Next time I'll let you kill yourself, it's fine. You clearly don't care about how I feel anyways."
Fount feels a sudden sinking sense of doom in his stomach. "Sapphire, what are you talking about!?"
"Do you think I'm stupid?"
"What?"
"Do you think I'm too stupid to realize that you've been weird and distant for weeks? Or that being around Salt obviously makes you worse and you'd been around him a lot, that relationship is not healthy by the way and I never want you to criticize my social life again. Or the fact that it was an obvious lie that you suddenly had to go away?"
Fount shifts uncomfortably, he wants to yell, kick him out, tell him he's delusional. He doesn't.
"So I was going to be such a burden that someone had to track you down and return me to you, even if that meant you'd be mad. Even if that meant everyone would be mad." Sapphire feels the tears start to creep into the corners of his eyes. He blinks them away. "And maybe some of it was for attention. Maybe I felt lonely and left out because you'd barely talked to me and for some reason the idea of being ignored is worse than death to me, so if I could get all the knights fo pay attention to me, at least that'd be something! Plus, I really don't like them. Solidarity is a joke."
"They could have hurt you Sapphire. Killed you, if you were being threatening enough."
"At least I'd die with people paying attention to me."
"Sapphire."
"No!" Black Sapphire suddenly walks towards Fount. "Don't you dare lecture me right now! Not about safety, not about morals, not about any of it! You promised you'd be reliable, promised you wouldn't go away, promised you'd be there for me!"
"I wouldn't have actually done it! I'd already talked myself out if it before you pulled this absurd stunt-"
"Then why did you go!? If you didn't intend on it, you wouldn't have left!"
Fount takes a deep breath. It is taking all the self control not to yell back. "I don't want you to keep making my problems your concern-"
His words are cut off by the sudden, harsh feeling of stinging on his cheek.
"Did you just slap me?" Fount blinks, slowly putting a hand up to his cheek in confusion.
"Fuck you! You are such a hypocrite! A liar! A bad perso-"
"Are we doing this whole string of insults again, Sapph? Really?" Fount frowns at him. He really looks at him for the first time since they'd gotten back, and he sees how unstable he really is. His eyes look lost, heavy, manic, scared, angry, all mixed together into a terrifying ocean of uncertainty. He looks like he's about to run off, about to slap Fount again, about to cry, about to do something unpredictable and crazy. "I should have noticed." Is what Fount says next.
"Noticed what!?"
"That I was failing you."
"..."
"In the exact same way I did last time." Fount looks at Sapphire. "I'm sorry." There's no more anger, no annoyance, no snark. Just a quiet admission of wronging.
Black Sapphire doesn't say anything.
"And thank you. For the concern, for trying to stop me from doing anything stupid. Even though that should never have been on you."
Fount still gets no response.
"You... uh... you can slap me again if you want? If that'll make you feel better?"
He is only met with silence from the shaking form in front of him.
"Sapph?" He says, not wanting to push too much, but needing him to say something. Anything. "Can you say something? Please."
"I'm sorry for slapping you." Black Sapphire says quickly. Too quickly. He turns around and walks away, up the stairs. He isn't exactly running but the pace of his walking makes it obvious he wants to disappear from the situation as quickly as he possibly can. Fount takes a heavy breath and walks into the bathroom of the library. He glances in the mirror, looking at the bruise forming on his cheek. He rubs it and winces at the sensation. Ouch. He kind of deserved it, though. Once he backs away from the mirror and looks at himself fully, he notices a few weird marks in his hair sitting amongst the stars. He looks closer at them... they look like... closed eyes? They feel weird. He doesn't like them. He also doesn't like whatever he managed to do to Salt earlier. It was helpful in the moment, but he's concerned about what it implies about him. Fount rolls his sleeves up and stares at the marks all over them. He doesn't glance away this time, like he had earlier. He studies them, studies what he does to himself. Analyzes them. Notes every slash and scratch, commits it to memory. It's a weird comfort. To look at it like this, sometimes. He runs his thumb up and down his arm, he doesn't wince. He can feel old scars, open wounds, deep fear seeping out of his dough from each one. He studies them extensively, obsessively even, before pulling his sleeves back over them. He really needs to get it under control. It's taking over his life.
Fount scans the bathroom for a hair tie. There isn't one. He thought he left some here. He walks out into the library and quickly grabs a rubber band, before walking back into the bathroom. He ties his hair back in a way that hides the closed eyes. They weren't there if he couldn't see them!
lying to himself didn't really count as lying, right?
He glances at the stairs. Sapphire seemed really unstable earlier, but Fount was worried that Sapph seeing his face might make him feel worse right now.
Fount knocks on Sapphires door, scared to talk, not wanting to make it worse. After a few seconds of no reply, he knocks again and says "Black Sapphire? Are you okay?" He holds is breathe while waiting for a response.
Sapphire cracks the door open and peaks his head out. "Do you have any bandages?" He asks, clearly trying to sound normal about it and failing.
Fount feels a small wave of panic run through his body. "What, why?" He says, trying not to sound angry or upset.
"Nothing! Nevermind! I just- uhm- accidentally scratched myself on something!"
Fount sighs. "Sapphire. Let me in."
"No, I really think you should actually leave me alone and go home and-"
Fount puts his hand on the door. "Let me in."
Black Sapphire shakes his head no.
"Let me in and show me."
"Show you what?" He laughs nervously. "Everything is fine."
"Sapphire, please."
Black Sapphire rolls his eyes and pushes the door open slightly. Fount lets out a relieved sigh and opens it, walking in. Black Sapphire is standing awkwardly, his right hand tightly holding his left arm. Fount glances around quickly, looking for anything obvious. There are a few drops of jam on his bedsheets, the handle of a small knife sticking out from Black Sapphires pocket, bloody tissues in the trash can... it's so glaring obvious that it makes Founts chest ache.
Black Sapphire glances down at the ground, up at Fount, down at the floor again. "I was bored, I just wanted to know what it would feel like..."
"You were bored?"
"It hurts a lot more than I expected it to." Sapphire whimpers. He squeezes his arm harder.
"You cut yourself because you were bored?"
"Mh..." single, stray tear rolls down Black Sapphire's cheek. "I'm sorry." He whispers. More tears start to fall. "I'm sorry. It was an accident I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. Sorry. I don't feel good. And I'm really mad at you but also it isn't your fault, I just-" he coughs on a sob. "Sorry."
Fount carefully walks over to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. He moves his thumb in gentle circles.
"I wasn't thinking-"
"I know. Just shush. I'll help you clean it and wrap it up, okay?"
"Mhm."
"Okay. Come here." Fount takes his hand off of Sapphire's shoulder and puts it on his back, softly guiding him while they walk downstairs.
"It feels like I can't think anything through properly right now." Black Sapphire whispers as Fount finishes wrapping a bandage around his arm. "It feels like I can't think clearly."
"If you could, then I assume none of the events of today would have transpired."
"No, probably not."
"Sapphire, why'd you do that? Hurt yourself, I mean."
"I already told you. I was curious and overwhelmed and bored and I did it without thinking. It felt like a good idea at the time."
"Do you still think it was a good idea?"
"No. It really hurts and I didn't like the way it made me feel."
"I don't want you doing something like this again, but if you do, please let me know? You won't get in trouble, I just need you to tell me."
"Mhm..."
"And I need to ask... why do you have a knife in the first place?"
Sapphire shrugs. "I saw it at a store and I thought it was pretty?" He takes the knife out of his pocket. "Look! It has purple and black roses painted on the handle! Isn't it cool!" He spins it around in his hand and sighs. "I really didn't buy it for any bad reason, I promise. I got it months ago."
"Okay. Do you think you can still have it? I'm asking honestly. I won't take it if you think you'll be alright, but I will be checking on you if you keep it."
"Do you think you should have it?" Black Sapphire retorts.
"I'm fine in that regard, and also that isn't your concern."
"Liar." He mumbles. "But I think I'm fine to keep it. I don't want to do anything like that again, it was scary."
"Okay."
There is, once again, a silence.
Black Sapphire'a breath hitches, his shoulders start shaking, tears start to fall from his eyes. Fount walks to him, arms open but not demanding. Just waiting, patiently offering.
.
.
.
The Fount didn't sleep at all for the next week. He'd kept himself awake obsessing over what happend with Salt. What was that? How did he do it? Why did he do it? He has read through every book in every library about any kind of magic, anything even remotely related to magic, over and over again, and nothing gave him any indication of what that was. He's driving himself mad, he has not eaten in two days, he passed out for three hours earlier and when he woke up he immediately started re reading his notes. He just wanted to understand it. Understand why it happened and what it says about him. Can he do it again? Should he do it again? Is it bad that it gave him a rush? The idea of being able to manipulate the world around him, make people bend to his whim, lie to them so maybe he could have a break. Fount shoves his face further into a book, his hands are shaking and his eyes ache. It's an obsession at this point. A spiral he is stuck in, one he can't get out of until he decides it is enough. (It will never be enough.) The only breaks he took were to check on Sapph at the library, and he's fairly certain he forgot a few of those as well. Fount re-reads the same unhelpful page about magic for the seventh time today. He tosses the book across the room and screams. Screw this. He's going to go to work and he'll try it again there, what's the worst that can happen. This is important scientific experimentation. That's all.
He gets up and practically races outside.
He comes back in, shoves a handful of jellies in his mouth, and then actually leaves.
As he answers question after question after question, his patience slowly starts to wear down. The next person that's rude to him, he's giving them some screwed up answer that will leave them with nightmares for the next decade. He's so tired. No. It's just a test. Don't do anything awful. He listens to another question, answers. Over and over. Then someone tries to argue with him, it's hard to recall what exactly it was about with his mind so hazy, but he looked them in the eye and felt his words, and his will, somehow twist their mind. They did not argue with him after that. His head felt foggy and lost, though. He really didn't like that.
So he kept going. When a cookie was being too obnoxious or rude, he'd simply bend their perceptions of the truth. Just a little bit. The only downside was how disconnected from reality he felt afterwards, but maybe that would go away with time. Even if it didn't, this was a power he was willing to make that sacrifice for.
It's not like the consequences would get worse or anything.
.
.
.
"...failed as a virtue..." a small whisper says.
"Disappointment." Another adds on.
"... unreliable, irresponsible, hypocritical-"
Fount blinks. The space surrounding him is shifting, back and forth, future and past, thousands of hands claw at him yet also never touch him at all. Words ring in his ears, coming from every direction, but he can't identify the source.
"It's too late for you."
The floor gives out from under him and he is falling, and falling, and falling. No end exists beneath him, just an endless void. Maybe falling forever is worse than rock bottom.
The images of every cookie who has ever yelled at him all appear in front of him at once, an amalgamation of everything that's hurt him.
Their faces contort, melting into grey metals and pastel teal light. Words of disapproval, distrust, anger all spill out, but he can't actually make out the syllables.
White hair and mildly concerned looks, hospital rooms and bandages. Screaming, yelling, fighting.
Red and pink casting judgement towards him. He screams that he's doing the best he can. No sound comes from his mouth.
Then there is purple. A look of disdain, resentment, hate. Then there is jam, and it's bright and ugly and neon red and he closes his eyes but the image remains.
He feels something grab at both of his wrists, his own reflection, or a shadow of it, is staring him down.
"Don't you see it now?" it says. "Open your eyes!" It shrieks.
He says no. There is still no sound coming out from his mouth.
"Open them."
No.
"Stop lying to yourself!"
He's not. He's not. He's just-
"I said open your eyes." His own voice continues to screech at him.
He pushes it away.
It does not help.
The feeling of his eyes being forced open takes over. A horrific show of the entire universe is playing right in front of him. He cannot close his eyes. Every worst possible outcome is on display for him to see.
He sits up and screams.