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aaaaaaaaa idk how to start this but sometimes i wish i was a cishet biological male.
and i like having boobs (fun to play with, warmth, and my lizard likes to sleep on them for warmth too, and i could potentially get money from them bc guys like seeing young (at least feminine looking) girls' boobs (im not a girl tho btw))
but i also dont like having boobs bc it makes me more feminine looking, though i dont mind being 'feminine', idk if that makes since. i dont want to have boobs but im fine with them too. its just a struggle with bras too and because my mother's boobs are so big (sounds weird to say it) she can barely find bras in her size and they literally never have any in her size at normal stores, and they are usually expensive. we are poor too. high chance ill end up with big boobs too :(
I wish I was a shapeshifter or smthn so i could change my body at will and decide if i have boobs or not, what genitalia i have, if my hair is long or short, if i look masculine or feminine or both or neither.
im only out gender-wise online, and my family doesn't know im trans (though ive never really thought of myself as 'trans', just gender neutral) but they do know im not straight (aren't fully aware of everything tho) but they are supportive of what i have told them. idk if my grandma specifically would be as accepting of me being trans tho, even if shes supportive of me not being hetero. idk if she just made some comments that came off wrong/not what she meant or if she just wouldnt accept me like it. im bio fem btw idk if i already said that or if it was implied by my first sentence in this thing.
my grandparents go to the pride parade every year, put up a rainbow flag in their front yard and have bought me a rainbow fan but im still nervous. its been literal years since i 'came out' to my family abt not being str8.
but, i never did an official 'coming out', i just implied whenever sexuality/gender was relevant and it just came up. and when i did 'come out' i just said it in casual conversation and there wasnt some talk, it was just like 'okay, i support u' pretty much. i 'came out' in the pandemic years, and i had also been slowly progressing from cishet, to cishet ally, to cis-bi, to demi-bi, to demi-pan, to enby-pan, to enby-pan-poly since i found out abt lgbtqia+ in 2019 all the way until late 2023 where there have been minor changes since then, ive been enby (they/them) since 2023 but i havent come out and i want to come out (it bothers me sometimes when im referred to as a she by ppl irl even tho ik i havent come out yet to them, and it usually only bothers me when im already not in a relaxed/happy/neutral mood, and it only bothers me irl when im referred to as a (grand)daughter, even tho i dont mind it online (i have online families, only kinda rp?)) but i also dont want to come out because well im nervous even tho i dont think i necessarily should be and because i feel like i just want it to be a 'secret', ???, like my online self and my irl self are two different personas and i want to keep them separate and my online self feels like my inner self that i dont want my irl family to know bc im just not in good relations with them even if we technically get along but its a toxic family but i dont wanna go into that rn bc its a whole other thing. i dont like my mother. i dont like my grandparents. i dont like my aunt. my uncle is okay, though. he's done nothing to warrant dislike from me. i dont like my first cousins still because the oldest is a toddler and i dont like young, gross and germy kids and babies and im still not quite used to being not the only grandkid. i didnt have any first cousins until i was 12/13, big age difference between us. nor do we even live in the same state and ive only met them a couple of times and i had minimal interaction with them, most of which was forced by my grandma even though i didn't want to.
i thought i might be transmasc but i dont want to *be* transmasc. i want to be gender neutral, sometimes i dont even want to have sex-speciific genitalia at all. i just just have nothing there. but then i also want *everything* there at the same time, but then i would either feel too masculine because i have a dick, or too feminine because i have a vagina. i dont want to be transmasc because i wouldnt be gender neutral anymore and i dont want to be a 'he', and i hate how ppl usually assumed i was a guy online because i talked abt nsfw topics and ig i didnt talk 'girly' enough, but there are some ppl who upon finding out i wasn't i guy, would deliberately refer to me as a she despite saying i wasnt a girl either and that i went by they/them. or i was referred to as an 'it', which im a litte conflicted about. i have/had a partner who used 'it', but i didnt like how they called me an 'it' in the context of an insult rather then then the pronouns themselves. in other contexts i wouldnt mind being called an it, i think.
also i tried thinking of my clit as a dick before and calling it a dick but i felt ashamed/embarrassed of myself because my 'dick' was small (as most clits are in comparison to most dicks) so now i just imagine an actual dick in the place it would normally be if i was a bio male instead of 'altering' my clit. i still refer to my clit as a clit.
im falling asleep now im tired gn yall