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Enid woke up and stretched as her alarm clock went off. She looked at the calendar on her wall and gave a happy squeal. "Good morning Wednesday!" she beamed happily at her room mate and best friend across the room.
Wednesday remained seated at her typewriter, fingers hovering over the keys. She didn't turn around, her voice flat. "Your shrill vocalization has ruptured my eardrums. To what do I owe this auditory assault?" She typed a few words before adding, "And do try to keep the glitter contained this time. I dislike the prospect of finding more colourful pieces of, what for me is, flesh eating bacteria."
"Don't you remember what today is?!" Enid asked excitedly, bounding across the room and smiling down at Wednesday. "It's Courting Day!" she said with an excited giggle. "A proud Nevermore tradition where all the boys try to court a girl they like and set a date for tonight's big Courting Day dance!" she gushed.
Wednesday finally turned, one eyebrow raised in her signature deadpan expression. "Ah, the annual ritual of hormonal posturing and forced sentimentality." She turned back to her typewriter with a dismissive air. "I intend to spend the day in the Nightshade library, the company is far less irritating and tedious."
"Oh no you don't! We have class!" Enid said enthusiastically. "Come on, breakfast! Your favourite part of the day!" Enid said, as she raced to get dressed into her uniform. "We gotta get there before all the good food is eaten and we're left with cereal and no pancakes," she said with a frown.
Wednesday sighed, closing her typewriter lid with a definitive click. "A disgraceful morning ritual involving both excessive noise and gratuitous amounts of maple syrup." She stood. "Very well, but if I see a single pink, heart-shaped napkin, I'm leaving."
Soon the two of them were entering the cafeteria, Enid practically vibrating with joy and Wednesday looking like she would rather be anywhere else. "Oh I can't wait to see how many boys try to court us!" Enid gushed. "Like, not that I'm really interested in any of them. It's just nice to get the attention, and I might find a date for the dance as a bonus!" she gushed.
Wednesday scanned the bustling commissary, her dark eyes narrowing. "Quantity does not equal quality, Enid." She selected several pieces toast and a black coffee. "I will be by the weeping statue. It's the only thing here not pretending to be cheerful."
"Hey Wednesday!" Called out a gorgon named Felix, as he approached. "Watch this babe!" He declared. Enid's eyes widened at his use of referring to Wednesday as babe as she cringed internally, massive mistake. But before she could utter a word Felix began break dancing right in front of them. Felix break dances for all he's worth, desperate to show off his skills to Wednesday and be the one to do the impossible, court her! …. "If anything can do it, it's some sick dance moves!" He told himself as he continued break dancing, pulling out his best moves. Enid watched with a mix of awe, shock and horror as he span around on his hands, flinging his legs through the air before he went down and span around on his shoulders in a circle, before leaping back to his feet with a wide armed stance. "Da dun!" he declared.
Wednesday stared, her expression utterly blank. After a long silence, she took a slow sip of her black coffee. "Are you having a seizure?" she asked. "If so, the infirmary is that way." Her gaze focused on Enid as if to say 'Is this really what passes for courtship?'
"Wow, Felix! Those were some impressive moves!" Enid said, with a smile, glancing at Wednesday. "Unfortunately, I don't think she's very impressed by modern dance routines," she observed.
"Those were my best moves! I've been practising my routine for a week!" Felix said proudly.
Wednesday took another sip of coffee. "A week wasted," she said flatly, studying him with cold intensity. "Your centre of gravity is off. Your spin on the third revolution was sloppy, and you lack the necessary upper body strength to maintain that windmill for more than four rotations." She observed, then span on her heel and walked away.
Enid smiled at Felix and shrugged. "I guess you won't be going to the dance with Wednesday, nice try though! The dance moves were cool!" she says with a smile and a thumbs up.
"Thanks Enid!....would you like to go to the dance with me? Since you liked my moves," Felix says hopefully.
Enid frowned. "No thanks. I'm not going to be your plan B. See ya!" she said, then hurried off after Wednesday.
Enid and Wednesday were eating their breakfast when another student, Orion approached them. "I saw Felix's desperate attempt to woo you and immediately realised the attempt of courtship by spastic dance, and thus making a spectacle of himself, would fail. That's not how you woo a lady as fine as Miss Addams," he said with a charismatic smile. He held out his hands in front of them over the space between the two girls and waved his hands around. Orion produced a rose seemingly out of thin air. He then bowed and handed it to Wednesday, before the Rose began growing again in his hand, and as if gaining sentience it began to move like a snake.
Enid's eyes widened in surprise as she smiled with glee and clapped enthusiastically. "Wow, Orion, that was amazing!" She declared.
Wednesday accepted the rose with two fingers, holding it as if it were a dead spider. Her expression didn't change, though a flicker of something, perhaps annoyance, passed in her eyes. Without a word, she placed the rose stem-first into her nearly-empty coffee cup, turning it into a morbid centrepiece. "Stage magic. Predictable, derivative, and reliant on distraction. The trick enhanced by the utilisation of your unique, yet ultimately pedestrian abilities." She looked up at Orion and pushed her chair back. "If you're going to perform illusions, at least commit to the aesthetic properly."
Orion's shoulders slumped and he slunk off in defeat as Enid laughed. "Hey, the rose trick was cool! Even if it is just an illusion, it's impressive! …..and making it grow more while its in his hand, that was a cool touch," she insisted. Then she began giggling as a thought occurred to her, putting her hand over her mouth as she tried to stifle her laughter.
Wednesday studied Enid with her dark gaze, her expression deadpan. "Your attempt to stifle your laughter is as successful as Orion's attempt at sleight of hand. What nonsensical thought has crossed your mind now?" Her tone was flat, but there was a subtle hint of curiosity.
Enid smirked with mischief. "Oh nothing; I just realised we've not even finished breakfast yet and two boys have tried to court you already. You're in for a long day, apparently," Enid said, then choked as she tried to stop a burst of laughter from erupting from her mouth.
Wednesday's lips thinned into a line. "A long day, indeed. If the trend continues, I may need to expand my research on the efficacy of various non-lethal, yet effective, deterrents."
Enid followed her as the two of them made their way to class.
On the way Enid picked up a potential suitor who tried to regale her with some poetry. The attempt at humour wasn't well thought out, to say the least. "Roses are red, beneath clear skies, the ocean as blue as your beautiful eyes, let me shipwreck myself between your thighs!" he declared.
Enid stopped abruptly. Her face went bright red, her jaw dropping. "W-wha... what did you just say?!" She stared at him, her eyes wide with shock. "Okay, one...that's not poetry...it's gross! Two...NO!" She threw her hands up, flustered and mortified. "Go away!"
Wednesday had paused a few steps ahead, her head tilted as if observing a particularly clumsy insect. "That...," she began, her voice flat, "...was the most inept attempt at courtship I have ever witnessed. Not only vulgar, but poorly composed and structurally unsound. If you insist on nautical metaphors, at least ensure the ship is seaworthy." She shook her head, a flicker of disdain crossing her features. "Come, Enid. The scent of incompetence is becoming overwhelming."
Enid sighed in exasperation as they sat at their desks. "This Courting Day is getting annoying fast. I thought it would be fun, but apparently most guys are absolutely clueless when it comes to girls," she said with a shake of her head. "If they're going to burn themselves trying to impress us they may as well make it entertaining and set themselves on fire," she complained. Then giggled..... then felt guilty.
A faint smirk touched Wednesday's lips. "Self-immolation would at least demonstrate commitment. Unfortunately, it seems the male population of Nevermore lacks both creativity and the necessary dedication," she said as she drew a diagram in her notebook. She glanced at Enid. "Your growing disillusionment is sensible and appropriate."
Another student approached Wednesday and opened his mouth to speak when their teacher Mr Giles placed his hand on the young man's shoulder. "Sit down Stanley. You're in class now, Courting Day ends when class begins," he said, his tone taking no argument. "...And I'd strongly suggest you reconsider the target of your; no doubt horrendous attempts at courtship. Miss Addams would eat you alive," he said as Stanley nodded and returned to his seat.
The corner of Wednesday's mouth twitched, the closest thing she ever had to a genuine smile. She gave Mr Giles a nod of approval, a rare sign of respect. She returned to her diagram, the classroom settling into its normal academic rhythm, mercifully free of further romantic interruptions.
As soon as class ended and they stepped outside of the room another boy approached them. A Siren named Chiron. "Hi Wednesday!" he said, nervously.
Enid rolled her eyes. "Ugh. Unless your trick is disappearing we're not interested!" she snapped at him.
"Uh. Oh..." Chiron said, then nodded and took the hint as he wandered off.
Wednesday glanced sideways at Enid. "That was surprisingly direct and unexpectedly effective." Her tone containing a hint of approval. "Perhaps you are learning. Now, let's find a place where we are less likely to be harassed by hormonal exhibitionists. The library will typically be lightly populated at this time of day."
They almost made it to the library before another student approached them. "Wednesday! Allow me to woo you with this!" He declared, then took out four balls and began juggling them as he slowly began to levitate off the ground, his feet hovering a foot in the air as he juggled the balls.
Enid buried her face in her hands. "Oh god, what next?" she said shaking her head.
The guy finished his juggling act, dropping to the ground with a soft thud as he took a bow.
Wednesday stared at him without a word with her typical impassive reaction.
"Wow! You can juggle," Enid said with irritation. "That's not very impressive, a boring way to demonstrate your gravity defying ability. Next time try juggling scorpions or something," she suggested.
Wednesday's eyes burned into him. "His form is acceptable, but his selection of projectiles is indeed uninspired. If he were juggling scorpions, it would at least demonstrate a commendable disregard for personal safety. As it is, he's merely competent at a carnival trick, she said, her tone devoid of any emotion. "The library, Enid. Before someone attempts to serenade me with an acoustic guitar." A faint shudder ran through her. "The horror."
They managed to make it to the library without running or encountering any more would be suitors, although they both walked faster than usual and Wednesday had to glare at a few boys that even dared look in their direction.
Sitting at a desk towards the back of the library, Enid buried her head in her hands with an audible sigh of exasperation. "I swear after today I'm seriously considering becoming a lesbian," she muttered.
Wednesday removed a book from her bag and sat down opposite Enid as she began reading. She didn't look up from the page. "An entirely logical reaction. The data certainly supports it," she remarked dryly. "Although I'd advise against broad generalisations based on one day's sample size of the incompetent male population." She turned a page. "However, statistically, today's participants do seem to represent a new low."
They were left alone for approximately twenty minutes before another student approached them with a sketch book.
Enid rested her chin on her hand as she propped it up on the table and tapped a claw against her cheek. "Oh, what now I wonder?" she mused aloud.
"Hi Wednesday!" The student, a Da Vinci named Magnus said, as he approached with a smile. "I've done this portrait of you as my attempt to woo you!" He said, unveiling the picture he had drawn.
Enid was too annoyed and frustrated to laugh. It looked like Wednesday, if someone had squashed in both sides of her face and given her a nose like the wicked witch of the west.
Wednesday slowly looked up from her book, her gaze shifting to the portrait. Her expression remained unreadable as she studied it. After a long moment, she closed her book with a definitive thud. She reached into her bag and pulled out a small silver vial, placing it delicately on the table in front of Magnus.
"This is strychnine," she stated, her voice matter of fact. "Its most notable feature is that it is tasteless."
She stood, gathering her things. "Consider its implications as my response to your 'courtship.' Enid, we are leaving." She glanced once more at the portrait. "You have managed to make my face look like an overripe pear. An accomplishment...of a sort."
"Gladly!" Enid agreed as she got up to follow Wednesday. "Let's cancel the rest of the day and retreat to our dorm. I've had enough of courtship and guys for a year after today," she insisted, then paused looking back. "Wednesday, why is Magnus eating the strychnine?" she asked with confused concern.
Back at the table Magnus had put a healthy dose of the powder on his fingertip and was removing his finger from his mouth, having eaten it to see if it was indeed tasteless. "Hey, she was right! It tastes like nothing," he said.
Wednesday paused. She glanced back, a flicker of dark amusement in her eyes as a rare smirk crossed her features. "He is conducting an experiment. The hallmark of a curious, if profoundly foolish, mind," she observed. "The convulsions should commence in approximately fifteen to twenty minutes. It provides us a perfectly timed window of escape from the impending disaster to return to our dorm and construct an alibi." She pushed the library door open. "Quickly, we must abscond post haste. The sanctuary of our dormitory awaits."
They made it out of the building. A couple of guys looked in their direction, but Wednesday's murderous gaze deterred them from coming near them.
Then, as they were crossing the grounds, the poetry guy reappeared with a bow. "Roses are red, my balls are blue..."
The rest of what he was saying was cut off as he grunted in pain, doubled over clutching his groin and convulsed in agony at Wednesday's feet.
She looked down at him like he was an insect to be crushed. "…..and black," she added, stepping over him as she continued on her way.
Enid smiled down at him and shrugged. "Sorry, but you deserved that. Have a nice day!" she beamed.
Having effectively and permanently discouraged the poet with a well-placed strike to the family jewels Wednesday walked on, her posture ramrod straight. "He shall be speaking in a higher register for the foreseeable future. A welcome change from his dreadful attempts at rhyme."
They approached Ophelia Hall without further incident, the threat of Wednesday's aura and recent practical demonstrations of her patience having finally created the buffer zone they desperately needed. "Peace, at last!" she stated as she pushed their dorm room door open and they both hurried inside, slamming it shut behind them.
The End.