Chapter Text
Jon clenched his jaw unable to block out the sound of Damian’s ragged breathing. It was a horrible sound to hear for even a second. He was shaking, had been since he’d picked him up in his arms. The rattling of his entire body made it so the low throaty cries he let out sounded even more pained than any cry he’d ever heard out of his mouth. Jon had heard Damian cry before, he’d seen him hurt too, badly, but nothing compared to this – not even close.
He’d never felt this much fear in his life.
“Hang on… we’re almost there… I think…” – Jon let out, his voice breaking as he spoke.
Damian cried louder, a mix of a grunt and a moan drenched in tears as he tensed in Jon’s arms clutching his stomach. He shook his head, or attempted to, the movement unnatural and clumsy.
“Stay… stay with me please… please Dami…” – Jon said finally spotting it, the mountain that looked like a closed fist, just how Talia had shown him.
‘You will know it by it’s peaks… like four knuckles, the middle one the tallest… the two edges of the mountain breaking off abruptly rather than sloping down… Like a tight fist for a fallen fighter…’
“Keep fighting Dami… please keep fighting…” – Jon said flying faster, Damian’s body had grown remarkably cold in the last couple minutes.
You’re always so warm… boiling hot… I’ve never felt your skin this cold…
Damian’s chest quivered, his chin rattling as he tried to speak, swallowing blood with difficulty as he looked up at Jon. – ”J-J-Jon… J-Jon… l-l-l-l-list-t-en… I gotta… I gotta say…”
“Shut up! You have nothing to say!” – Jon said spotting the narrow entrance between the fifth and the fourth knuckle. – “You don’t need to say anything right now! Save your energy!”
“P-please… h-hear… god…” – Damian’s voice strained, cracking as he whimpered in pain. He pressed his throbbing skull against Jon’s chest seeking relief from the pressure inside his cranium. He whimpered and cried out, unable to speak.
Jon noticed Damian’s body grow heavier as they entered the cave, flying through the narrow tunnel into the dark center of the remote mountain range. Jon had made the journey before once, to make sure he knew the way just in case.
Just once I’d told myself… just once and you’ll never have to come here…
“Dami?” – He asked seeing a light in the end of the tunnel, a faint green illuminating the humid walls of the cave. – “Dami?!”
There was no response, Damian’s shaking slowed but was still noticeable. Damian had been fighting the whole way to the cave, perhaps harder than he’d ever fought before but he was losing this one quick. Jon spotted the large natural spring, sunlight from outside piercing through holes in the rock giving the room an eerie glow combined with the supernatural green hue of the pool. He didn’t for one second think of any other way but to dive head first with Damian. He clutched his body tighter as he plunged into the spring.
He was not prepared for the rush he felt, having expected to be unaffected by the Lazarus Pit due to being half-Kryptonian and completely unharmed. He seized once underwater. His sight was filled with flashes of him and Damian fighting, Damian’s body being flung away from the explosion on the alien spaceship. He’d rushed to catch him but had been too far, Damian’s body had hit multiple columns before smashing against the hull of the ship with such strength he’d failed to cry out entirely. Jon had never seen him so still, so entirely still and broken. A haunting silence.
No!
He forced his eyes open, pushing away the horrible sight and saw Damian below him in the water, sinking deeper and deeper away from him, his arm outstretched towards Jon, his eyes closed and mouth relaxed. Panic overtook Jon and he began swimming, feeling a rush of strength unlike any before. He reached for Damian, grabbing him and pulling him towards the surface with him. They were close to breaking through when Damian became responsive, opening his eyes in a panic and trying to breathe in. Jon pulled him faster, the two emerging from the deep waters gasping for air, still holding each other’s hands.
They were found not long after by Talia who’d been allerted to their entrance to the cave she’d hoped never to set foot in. She rushed inside to find Jon and Damian by the side of the pool, their hair messy and almost dry at that point.
Jon was sitting with his legs criss-crossed, Damian between them being held up by Jon. Talia’s eyes had widened as she’d rushed towards them, confused at how still they both were.
“Damian!” – She’d cried out rushing inside. – “Jon! Damian! Did you…?”
Jon nodded looking at Talia through tears, Damian’s head slowly turning to face his mother.
“Mother?” – He asked quietly, his eyes half open.
She came down to her knees and reached for Damian, examining him, confused by his stillness. She held his head and tilted it side to side, finding no evidence of injury. She then lifted his shirt, finding his skin unbroken.
“What is wrong, Dami? The Pit…”
“It worked but… I don’t know… I feel different…” – Damian said in a hushed tone. He let his head fall back against Jon’s chest as Talia released it, letting out a soft hushed sigh of relief accompanied by a faint smile.
“Different?” – Jon asked unaware of how tight his grip was around Damian.
“Yeah… different…”
Jon was pulled from a deep sleep by the sound of Damian’s cries. He wasn’t sure at first if he’d heard it or if he’d been dreaming it, revisiting the horrible journey from the spaceship to the Lazarus Pit. He opened his yes and sat up on the thin mattress on the floor, his skin covered in a film of sweat. Dawn had broken and the warm light pierced through the windows casting a warm spectre on the rice paper walls of the room Talia had offered him.
He heard it again, a cry and a groan, Talia’s soft hushed voice as well speaking in arabic. Jon ran.
He entered Damian’s room like a blur, the speed at which he slid the door making Talia’s long straight hair fly back. She was leaning down on the short bed over Damian, holding his arms. Damian was sitting with his back to Jon. His shirt was soaked through and his back was hunched forwards – he gripped Talia’s arms with strength.
“Bismillah…” – Talia exclaimed at Jon.
“What’s wrong?!” – He asked hesitating by the door.
“Jon come here… Dami I’ll get Jon to help, okay?”
Damian nodded with his head hanging low, stifling a whimper.
“Jon, please… help me get Damian to sit up… place your hand on his back and slowly help him straighten up…”
Jon stepped in, placing one hand as ordered and swinging the other across Damian’s chest. Damian immediately reached over to Jon’s arm with one hand, gripping it intensely. Jon looked down at Damian, his lips pouty and flushed, his eyes red and puffy – he’d been crying.
“What’s wrong?”
“His spine… it… the prothesis and the Pit…” – Talia began explaining before Jon interrupted her.
He was filled with horror realising he’d not considered how the Pit would interact with Damian’s prosthetic spine.
“Talia… I… I didn’t…” – Jon mumbled feeling Damian’s tight grip on him, warm… finally warm again.
“It’s alright, Jon… you did the right thing. It was years ago when I showed you the way… it was before Damian’s injury… you still did the right thing, Jon… we can fix this… Damian is alive… that is all that matters…”
Jon nodded. – ”Okay… what do I do…?”
“Ease him up, help him straighten his back while I pull him up… slow… slow, Jon…”
Jon nodded and followed Talia’s lead, pushing Damian’s hunched back so it would straighten as she pulled him up. Damian groaned and exhaled loudly in pain, rivers of tears flowing from his eyes.
I’ve never seen him like this… never… he’s never… never cried like this… not in front of me…
“Stop!” – Damian urged letting his head fall back. – ”Stop…”
They did, Talia and Jon exchanging worried looks. Jon looked at Damian, his face pale and lifted his shirt, placing his hand onto Damian’s skin directly.
“What?” – Damian asked, confused at the movement.
“Come on… you can do it… I won’t slide like this… you can do it… you have to move…” – Jon repeated softly, close to Damian’s ears.
It worked. Damian took a few deep breaths and they soon helped him sit up. Jon stayed in place stabilising him as Damian hugged a pillow taking deep breaths.
“What happened to his spine?” – Jon asked having noticed the long scar was now fully gone.
“It is… gone… Damian has grown a new spine but… it is a painful process… he needs to move, he needs to adapt… I’ve only once before seen such an interaction… it will be a long recovery…”
Talia spoke kindly with pain in her eyes, caressing Damian’s dark hair.
“It’s completely gone?” – Jon exclaimed in surprise, his hand moving ever so slightly away from Damian’s back.
He was shocked when Damian’s hand gripped Jon’s hand on his chest. He looked down to find Damian shaking his head.
“Don’t move…” – He said quietly.
Jon’s stomach tightened and he felt sweat filling his palms, Damian’s grip on his body foreign to him, he’d never been a touchy person. – “Okay… I won’t…”
He was back there again, in the alien spaceship. He saw Damian fly away again and flew towards him except this time he couldn’t seem to reach Damian. The hull of the ship kept extending, longer and longer no matter how fast or how hard he flew – Damian’s body growing smaller and more still the further he flew towards him. He woke up hearing Damian’s voice calling for him, not a shout, but a quiet whisper that said Jon in a hushed tone.
He bolted again, sliding the door to Damian’s room and lingering on it seeing Damian spread over the bed, one knee bent and the other leg stretched. His head was laying sideways towards the door, his shirt twisted around his body and his arms outstretched – Damian always occupied the entire bed when he slept.
Did I dream that he called me? Am I this paranoid? – Jon thought hesitating to move, his hands turning clammy as he noticed the way Damian’s chest moved up and down with his slow breathing. – Why am I so… so…
“Jon…” – Damian did it again, that same tone of his voice calling out for Jon, in his sleep.
He’s… he’s dreaming… he’s calling out for me in his dreams…
His knuckles turned white against the wooden door, he grabbed it so firmly it broke under his grip. The sound of the wood cracking woke Damian up. He opened his eyes and looked up to find Jon pale and sweaty by the door, fragments of wood falling from his hand under moonlight.
“Jon? What are you doing?” – He asked moving slowly, a sharp exhale leaving his nose as he lifted himself.
“I… you called… you called me…” – Jon said taking a step forwards, aching to help Damian sit up but stopping himself from moving.
Why are you doing this? Just help him! Why… why is it any different now than before? Why does it feel different? Why am I…. scared?
“Can… can you help me sit?” – Damian asked quitting halfway, gripping the bedsheets under him.
Damian’s words conjured Jon to movement, his inertia broken by his request. He kneeled on the mattress and embraced Damian. His body leaned forwards, slumping against Jon’s. He could feel Damian’s warm breathing against his neck – he swallowed with difficulty.
“Thanks…” – Damian muttered as Jon helped him straighten himself.
“How… how does it feel?” – Jon asked sitting back across from Damian, watching him attentively.
“I feel useless… I’m so weak…” – Damian admitted with a hard look in his eyes. – “It’s like my body doesn’t listen… It’s like… like it’s not my own anymore… not the same body…”
“You’ll get better… your mom… she said it was only a matter of time…”
“I know… I know I just… this is even harder than after I got the new spine put in… wonder if it’s still there… at the bottom of the Pit…” – He snickered. – “Wonder how much of me is left there…”
“What?”
What is he saying?
“Nothing… I just… I’ve just had much on my mind…” – Damian looked away from Jon, staring at the floor. – “You said I called for you?”
Jon nodded watching Damian’s neck, his profile, a single drop of sweat making its way down from his jawline down his neck. He gripped the bedsheets under him just like Damian.
“Must’ve been dreaming a good dream…” – He joked, unaware of the skipped beat in Jon’s chest.
“You didn’t call…” – Jon said looking down.
“What?”
“The explosion… you didn’t… you didn’t say anything… you didn’t scream…” – He shifted in his seat. – “You were so quiet.”
“I… yes… I couldn’t…” – Damian reached a hand for his abdomen, remembering how it had felt when it hit a column when he’d been flung from the force of the explosion.
He thought he had broken in half at the impact and when Jon had picked him in his arms he’d realised there was something seriously wrong with him, feeling like his body was broken from the inside, bleeding out. Jon’s eyes followed his hand.
“Did it hurt that bad?”
“Worse…” – Damian squeezed his eyes shut. – “I’d never felt pain like that…”
They sat in silence for a moment until Damian shook his head, forcing the memory of the pain away and letting his hand fall into his lap.
“Thank you…” – He said quiet.
“Of… of course… what… that’s… of course…”
“I didn’t know my mother had… had taught you about the Pit… had shared its location with you…”
“Was years ago… when you still weren’t sure if I was friend of foe…” – Jon giggled and Damian joined. – “She made me promise… that if anything ever happened when we were out there saving the world together that I… that I’d bring you there…”
“Must’ve been a while ago…”
“Think we were twelve…”
“That’s… a lot to share with a twelve year old… a lot of trust in you…”
“At least I didn’t have to do it then… not that it’s any better now… not that it ever would be…” – Jon’s voice choked up at the end and Damian looked up at him with worry.
Damian raised his hand and moved it towards Jon’s face, not quite reaching it before Jon flinched. He looked up at Damian confused, frowning at him. Damian lowered his hand and Jon remarked it looked a bit shaky.
“That must’ve been… sorry I wasn’t… I wasn’t very brave…” – Damian said looking down and hugging himself, rubbing his arms.
I shouldn’t... why did I flinch…
“You were dying… you… you’re allowed to cry…”
Damian shrugged, still avoiding Jon’s eyes.
“When we were almost there you… you tried to say something but I didn’t let you… what was it?”
“Nothing…” – Damian shook his head looking away, his frown turning into a pout. – “Don’t remember…”
“Right…”
More uncomfortable silence ensued, broken only by the cicadas outside. Damian rubbed the back of his neck and inhaled sharply.
“Jon… listen…”
“Shh!” – Jon interrupted Damian having picked up the sound of a car door closing not too far from them. – “Wait, someone’s here…”
“What- what do you hear?”
Steps, hurried footsteps rushing towards the house, slamming doors open and heavy breathing.
“Someone’s coming…” – Jon said standing up and circling the bed, standing between the door and Damian at attention, staring at the dark hallway feeling a tingling in his hands.
Come on come on… who is it… come on…
Tension was broken as Bruce ran into sight, almost passing the room before noticing Jon. He stopped and looked inside, his eyes immediately finding Damian’s in bed squinting in the dark.
“Damian!” – He exclaimed rushing into the room, his shoulder slamming against the doorframe as he made a sharp turn inside. He didn’t react to the impact.
Jon stepped aside and watched as Bruce ran up to Damian, getting on his knees and hugging him.
“Careful! His back!” – Jon shouted and Bruce slowed his movements, pulling away while staring at Damian with concern in his eyes.
“What happened, son?” – He asked examining him.
“Dad… I…” – Damian’s voice broke and he struggled catching his breath, his reaction so unlike him it made Bruce’s brow furrow even further. He looked up at Jon while pulling Damian closer to him, cradling the back of his skull.
“What happened?” – He asked Jon with such fear in his eyes Jon’s knees felt like they were a minute away from giving out on him.
It had started in the early morning. Damian had woken up and cried out, calling for Bruce. Jon had woken up from the sound and it had scared him. The rest of the morning had gone much the same. Damian was in pain and struggling to move. He didn’t scream, he barely cried but his laboured breathing, the sharp inhales and soft grunts haunted Jon’s ears. Sometimes, he hated how much he heard and how bad he was at blocking it out.
Rock after rock, Jon grabbed any pretuberance from the side of the hill, smashing rock against rock and making loud explosive sounds. He was covered in sweat, having spent hours under scorching sun. He paused, hearing footsteps approaching him, Damian’s voice soon filling his ears too.
‘I can’t… just… just a little more…’
‘Dami please… you’re doing so good…’
‘Stop… I… I’m gonna be sick… I need a break…’
“Jon?” – Bruce spoke coming into view.
Jon turned to face Bruce slowly, trying to tune out Damian’s voice. He dropped a large boulder he was holding in one hand and wiped his hands on his shorts.
“Sorry… too loud?”
Bruce chuckled, observing the mess of broken up rock all around Jon. – “Well… I was about to ask you that… Let’s take a seat over there…”
He pointed to a tree a few steps away that cast a long shade and walked alongside Jon towards it, a hand finding his back and guiding him.
“Yeah… sorta… I’m… I’m mostly good at blocking out too much noise but when it’s… When it’s someone hurting it’s almost impossible…”
“I know… I’ve seen Clark struggle the same way… even now still… don’t beat yourself up about it…”
“Really?” – Jon asked leaning against the tree, Bruce’s pale skin reddish already after the trek to find him.
“You know… you were a bit of a colicky baby… Clark would be in the middle of a mission with the JL and suddenly he’d hear you crying and trust me… you had some pipes in you… he’d turn white as a sheet, rush to get the job over with to fly home and be with you and Lois…”
“Yeah mom said he used to fly in and out, used to jumpscare her all the time…” – Jon chuckled.
“Yeah… there was also this time Dick broke his leg on patrol… landed clumsy and the bone snapped… Clark heard him crying from across the globe and got to him even before I did and I was just a few steps behind him…”
“I didn’t hear Damian at first… on the ship… he… after the explosion when he landed he was quiet… I think he blacked out for some time before I got to him…” – Jon was grabbing tufts of grass under his hands and yanking them, trying to focus on the sound of the grass and Bruce’s breathing instead of Damian’s whimpers.
“It’s scary isn’t it? The silence… especially after a loud explosion…”
“Yeah…”
The sound of cicadas drowned out Damian’s heavy breathing. Jon closed his eyes and tried ot focus, steadying his breathing. He’d managed to block it out entirely for a moment, immediately feeling his heart race, seeking Damian’s voice again. He couldn’t help it, silence was worse.
“Jon… I appreciate you staying here but… you don’t have to, you know that, right? Damian won’t hold it against you if you go back home…”
“How long is he going to stay here?”
“Talia doesn’t want him leaving just yet… we’re close to the Pit still just in case and… Damian needs the rest… I fear he might get agitated and rush to the suit if we go back to Gotham too soon… you know what he’s like…”
“Mmm…”
Bruce’s eyes lingered on Jon, kind and paternal.
“It meant a lot to him though…”
“What?”
“That you helped him the other day… getting up… also how you’ve been around… you calm him down…”
“I’m such an idiot…”
“Why?”
“I’m out here tearing down this hill cause I’m too much of a baby to hear him cry while he needs… a friend…”
“He needs some space too, don’t beat yourself up… you know how proud Damian is…”
“Yeah… I… I was surprised at how willing he was to accept my help actually… to ask for it…”
Bruce placed a hand on Jon’s shoulder, reassuring himself more than Jon – it was true, Damian was always reluctant to accept help and now he was asking for it from everyone… leaning on Talia and Bruce more than he ever had before, asking after Jon constantly. A shiver covered his body.
“It’s… he’ll get better, Jon… it’ll take some time… but he’ll get better…”
Jon kicked another rock out of the way, stopping and admiring the scenery around them.
“You don’t have to keep doing that…” – Damian said walking up to him.
“Doing what?”
“Stopping… slowing down… I’ll catch up…” – Damian said walking past him, his movements still slower and stiffer than usual but improving rapidly.
“Why would I wanna walk alone?” – Jon responded catching up.
“Am I faster than yesterday? I feel like I’m slower…”
“Maybe not faster but you’ve taken less breaks… you also didn’t ask to lean in going up that hill after the shrine like you did yesterday…”
“Right… that’s… that’s better I suppose…” – Damian and Jon turned a corner on the trail they had walked every day for the last four days, a clearing in the vegetation making them see the house they’d been staying in since the accident.
Talia and Bruce were sitting side by side on a bench in the gardens, they’d been there a while, they’d caught sight of them at multiple points during their daily walk.
“I didn’t expect Bruce to stay this long… Wonder what they’re talking about…” – Damian said stopping and resting his hands on his lower back, rubbing it slowly while frowning.
“You wanna?” – Jon asked looking at Damian, his eyes drawn at his adam’s apple and the drop of sweat running down the side of his neck.
Damian nodded, catching his breath.
‘... that’s the worst… I used to… there was this one time I remember thinking of how it didn’t matter how much I’d taught Damian… I still missed so much… I remember regretting I’d never seen him take his first steps…’
“He’s talking about you as a baby… that he wasn’t there…”
“Huh…”
‘Well now I… now I helped him walk again… and…’
Bruce looked at his hands, the hands that had held onto Damian’s days ago when he’d helped him take his first steps after being healed by the Pit. Bruce who’d never gotten a chance to see Damian mature from a baby to a child had now helped his teenage son relearn how to walk. He looked at his hands and dropped his head onto them, breathing heavily. Talia touched his back gently, resting her hand on him.
‘I know… I know…’ – She responded coming closer to Bruce, sharing his lament.
He’s crying… what… what do I say… – Jon thought being surprised by the scene, he’d never seen Bruce cry.
“What’s happening?” – Damian asked also surprised by Bruce’s demeanor and his proximity to Talia.
“He’s crying…” – Jon said watching Damian.
“What?! Why?”
“Cause… cause he helped you walk again… cause he never taught you to walk… and now… now he did…”
Jon watched as Damian’s face shifted. He’d been frowning at the scene, confused by it. His eyes softened and his mouth opened slightly. He breathed in and out a few times before looking away from Jon, hiding his face.
“Let’s carry on…” – He said rushing ahead.
“Wait… hang on… what… what’s wrong?” – Jon asked following Damian, tripping over a rock he failed to kick out of the way.
“Nothing.” – Damian said pushing onwards, wiping away a few runaway tears.
Jon caught up to him and placed a hand on his shoulder, urging him to turn around. Damian did, still holding his face away from Jon, avoiding his eyes.
“What… are you crying?” – Jon asked trying to meet his eyes.
“No…” – Damian said reluctantly looking at Jon’s hand on his shoulder.
“Sorry I… I thought you’d like to know…”
“I did… I just…”
“What?”
Damian took a step back and sat down on a rock with some difficulty, grimacing as he did. He pulled his knees up and rested his head on them, hiding.
“I just thought about… them…”
“Your parents?” – Jon asked sitting next to him.
“If I… if we hadn’t made it in time or something… if it hadn’t worked… they… if I’d died…” – Damian’s voice was muffled.
Jon stayed silent, not quite sure how to respond.
Is this the first time he’s really considered his own mortality like this? No way I mean… he’s… this is not his first close call at all… what’s different now? Why is he so… so emotional… so unlike himself… he’s so… so…
Damian lowered one of his arms and dropped it, resting his hand half over the rock and half over Jon’s hand. Jon’s entire body reacted, goosebumps running from his arm up to his neck and down his legs. He was alert. He looked down at Damian’s hand and thumb over his with confusion and back up at Damian. He was looking away from Jon, his face still hidden against his knees.
It’s… fine… he’s… he’s scared… something happened… something different… this… this is fine… there’s not enough room there… he has to… – He repeated to himself trying not to flinch like he had last time Damian had touched him. No matter how unlike him it was to be so close.
“Jon… listen… something happened in the Pit… I… I haven’t felt the same since…”
“What… what do you mean?” – Jon asked feeling a drop of sweat traveling down from his temple down his cheek. They were flushed.
“I… I’m not entirely sure I just… I feel different… not just my back but everything… I feel like… almost like someone else…”
“H-how?”
Damian turned his face and his eyes found Jon’s, a piercing green staring deep into his soul.
“I feel different, like I feel things differently… I’m thinking different… I’m seeing different… I think…”
Damian went silent for some time, his gaze unbreaking.
“I think I died there in a way… I think I died…”
Damian’s hand tensed over Jon’s for a moment, his palm sweaty but he didn’t mind it. He didn’t mind it at all despite a voice in the back of his head telling him there was something off. A tightness in his throat and flutter in his stomach making his breath speed up.
What if… what if he did… what if he’s so different because… because I wasn’t fast enough?