Chapter Text
Dear Suho,
I don't know what to write, to be honest. But I read somewhere it's good to put my feelings into words, so I'm going to try.
I have a lot of things I want to say, and nothing at all.
I miss you, first and foremost. So much.
I don't know when you'll wake up, the doctors are trying to tell me soon, but I can see they're lying to me. I think they're not very hopeful.
Maybe you'll never wake up? That's a scary thought I'd rather not think about.
I'm already having a hard time getting through the days, even though you're in front of me. Living and breathing—albeit machine assisted.
I wonder what you were thinking about in your last moments awake. Did I cross your mind? What a selfish question. I hope I didn't, it probably would've made you sad after everything.
You're still warm, I hope it's not too hard wherever you are. Maybe this is a chance for you to finally get some rest, before you come back to me.
The days are all blending together, it feels like we were sitting in front of the convenience store sipping our Red Bulls yesterday, but it's already been months since then. And at the same time it feels like I've been missing you for years. There's a dull, empty ache in my chest.
Its not fair. You had so much life in you, and now you're stuck here. The world keeps turning, people keep laughing, and working, and going to school. While you're here. While my world has stopped turning. Its been long, so people think I've probably moved on, but I couldn't. I don't think I can, maybe forever?
Forever of this sounds awfully long.
Forever I won't hear your voice? Forever I won't feel your touch, or your breath? Forever? Really?
Once I had a fleeting thought during one of our late night drives, that I could spend forever with you just the way we were.
Thinking about how I might have to spend forever the way we are now, sounds like a nightmare. An evil prank by a higher power.
When the sun beats down and makes me sweat while I wait for the bus, I think of you—the way you used to smile and brighten my days, it feels cruel. I am bathed in a light akin to yours but you're not with me. It's wrong. I miss your laughter.
When it rains, I miss you more, you chased away the clouds that used to follow me before I met you. They're back now, and darker than before, they feel heavier too.
Everything is wrong. You should be here, with me. You should be enjoying life, and the good and bad weather with me. We should be driving around, and sit by the Han river. Play pool, and share a can of Red Bull, a bowl of ramyeon.
I feel silly and selfish, we didn't even know each other for that long, but it feels like you've been in my life forever.
That damned word again. "Forever". I don't know if I can do it, to be honest.
I'm sorry, I don't know if I've been a good friend to you. You were everything to me, you completely changed the trajectory of my life, while I don't know if I even reached a fraction of that for you. I wish I could have you back, so I could pay you back for everything you've done for me.
I miss you so much. I miss you more after writing all of this, taking it out of my heart and putting it on paper.
There's really nothing more to it, I miss you, and I love you, and I'm sorry.
I guess… I guess I'll end my letter here.
Sieun