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DickBabsWeek
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Published:
2026-06-08
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1,503
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1/1
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2
Kudos:
14
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2
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105

a very particular series of words strung together

Summary:

NO SHIT. I WOULDN”T BE DRESSED UP LIKE A VERY COOL TRAFFIC CONE if i cared about danger.

U think i look like a cool traffic cone and not a lame traffic cone rite?

A collection of various messages from Barbara Gordon’s phone that she left on read at an ungodly time in the morning.

Notes:

Written for DickBabs Week 2026 Day 2: Read at 2:17 AM

warning: some timeline shuffling especially in regards to lex luthor’s diabolical shenanigans and also the ted/babs/dick/helena love square

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

Hewwo, this is you know who from you know what :) :) 

 

Read: 2:17 AM

 

heyyyy, babs. commissioner gordon gave me your number bc i said i’m looking at colleges rn and he said you were really liking gotham u. (lowk, lowk, lowk i heard the parties are better there than burnside). is that true??? i know we are technically  supposed to act like we don’t know each other bc of lame security reasons or whatever b is saying this time but u told me that you encrypted ur phone and it’s not like i know anyone else who is invited to college parties.

 

Can i come to one??? I promise i will be cool. All ur college friends will think im adorable. I’ll help ur rep. pls pls pls pls pls. it will be for research on my end plssssss. Ur all about research, right?

 

c’mon. why wouldn’t you want me around?????

 

Read: 2:17 AM

 

i am sorry i said that you punch like a girl. In penance, i am now reading audre lourde and margaret atwood like u suggested. alfred is standing over my shoulder while i type this. i am not going to tell the old man that it is creepy to monitor my social media outtake.

 

Read: 2:17 AM

 

fuuuuuuck man, i cannot WAIT UNTIL I AM OUT OF HERE AND IN COLLLEGE. BRUCE IS KILLIN MEEEEEEE. Ur dad is cool so you probably can’t relate and also ur like old (yah three years older than me is old!!!) and mature and stuff but i get on the bad side of a rogue one time and now all of a sudden, it’s like B has suddenly forgotten how to have fun ever. i mention going undercover and maybe jumping off a helicopter like i’ve done a gazillion times and he flips out. Something about how that’s not “responsible.” u know what’s also not responsible my dude??? Running around in a bat costume bc u don’t wanna be a normal rich person and go on jimmy kimmel or whateva. But whenever i suggest anything it’s oh nooooooo, u can’t do that Dick, that’s dangreous Dick, i don’t think that’s smart Dick. NO SHIT. I WOULDN”T BE DRESSED UP LIKE A VERY COOL TRAFFIC CONE if i cared about danger.

 

U think i look like a cool traffic cone and not a lame traffic cone rite?

 

Also how encrypted is ur phone again?

 

Read: 2:17 AM

 

I should have texted you back sooner. You’re correct, I don’t think college is working out for me. B is going to lose his shit but what else is new? Again, I apologize for not keeping in touch more. I know you’re pissed. I can’t promise I’m going to get better about this.

 

Read: 2:17 AM

 

Babs I don’t know what to say.

 

I’m so sorry, that was a stupid way to open it. It’s not about me.

 

How are you? Are you okay?

 

Of course, you’re not okay.

 

I completely understand if this isn’t welcome. I know we’ve been out of contact for a bit now with all the drama between me and Bruce and everything else that’s going on with my team all the time constantly. I just want to let you know that I’m here for you. Christ, I am so sorry. I can’t imagine. I can’t possibly imagine.

 

Please just… let me know?

 

You don’t have to let me know.

 

I’m so sorry.

 

Read: 2:17 AM

 

You know why I wasn’t there at the funeral.

 

Read: 2:17 AM

 

I don’t know if I can stay in Gotham permanently, even though I’ve been helping out for a while (that's one way to describe taking over for someone who got their back broken I guess). You’ve got your own life here and that’s awesome but your relationship with the Big Guy isn’t always over-shadowed by this weird mentee, mentor, maybe successor, maybe not thing where he never lets me feel like I’m good enough and I’m always on the look out for some invisible test that I’m failing. Hence the whole Azrael debacle. It’s why I stayed with the Titans permanently in the first place before that all fell apart. 

 

Okay, maybe you do get that, this whole insecurity that he fosters wherever he goes without meaning to, but it doesn’t look like it to outsiders. I know that he was tough on you when you first started out but now sometimes it appears like he affects you the least. Idk Babs, how do you do it? You never seem cowed by him or like you’re constantly gripping at his cloak for a head-pat or even that you need his approval at all. You’re just…yourself. The Oracle. The brand new backbone of Gotham and maybe this whole brand new world too.

 

Get daddy issues from somewhere else maybe ;0?

 

Read: 2:17 AM

 

OKAY I GET THE POINTTT STOP LEAKING THOSE VIDEOS OF ME TO ROBINNNNN

 

Read: 2:17 AM

 

Do you think I can make it out here by myself in a different city? 

 

Read: 2:17 AM

 

Thanks for your help with the most recent case by the way. You must be so busy. You getting enough sleep? I see you leaving me on read at midnight.

 

Okay, okay, pot calling the kettle black.

 

Still. You are appreciated. Greatly. :)

 

Read: 2:17 AM

 

Ahhhh, I’m reading a bio on LBJ I think you might like? (or you’ve read already lbr) It’s several volumes but it’s so interesting, about how he was such a master manipulator that he had the senate right in the palm of his hand for the majority of his political career. Need to take some notes for my own manipulation tactics. I know you were talking the other day about another book I think the same author did, on that guy who pretty much controlled New York City to disastrous effect, but never actually ran for office? Crazy, can’t imagine that in Gotham. I remember you saying it’s probably a good thing that you cut your own brief foray into politics short because you would have ended up like Luthor, our dearest ex-leader in charge. I don’t think you’re being fair to yourself there. Your baking is considerably better. You also seem like you have much better taste in surveillance tools. I know you would cover your tracks better if you worked with Darkseid.

 

Read: 2:17 AM

 

Okay, fine I won’t compare you to legendarily crooked presidents ever again. Be thankful you don’t share a name with one. (Robin, I SEE u changing my contact name to Tricky Dick.) PLEASE GIVE ME BACK THAT FILE I SENT YOU PLEASE.

 

Read: 2:17 AM

 

Thank you for the file. Did not appreciate the middle school play photos attached. :(

 

I did make a cute sheep, if i say so myself.

 

Read: 2:17 AM

 

I know you cheat at Solitaire. I just cannot prove it.

 

Yet.

 

(yes this is my #sorelosermoment). Make it trend on social media, oh great and wise Oracle.

 

Read: 2:17 AM

 

I get that ur a book purist but I don’t understand why Coppola’s adaptation of Dracula was that bad???? Okay, I know I don’t watch movies ever, but like still. Vampire guy. Vaguely xenophobic undertones, which we now recognize as bad and #problematic. Gothic. Babes in nightgowns. There’s a cool hunter person named Van Helsing. I don’t see how you can mess up here with those foundations. Tho Gary Oldman kinda the least sexy vampire I have ever laid my eyes on so u may have a point.

 

Read: 2:17 AM

 

Babs, I don’t see you as the girl you left behind. I know maybe it comes across like I do but I don’t. Sometimes, I do miss that era. How easy it all was. How simple. But that’s not the same as thinking you should be the same person as you once were or that the person you are now is lesser. I am really sorry if it comes across that way. I’m not looking to the past. I’m staring straight at the future alongside you. I think it’s going to be a pretty good one, if you ask me personally.

 

Read: 2:17 AM

 

Ahhhhh i am going to fucking KILLL BRUCE THEN AZRAEL THEN BRUCE

 

FUCKING BASTARD IDGAF

 

I DON’t CARE THAT YOU LIKE HIM HE SUCKSSS HE’S A LOSER NO ONE LIKES HIMMMM

 

(EXCEPT YOU APPARENTLY I DONT GET WHYYYY)

 

Read: 2:17 AM

 

I swear there is nothing between me and Helena. Not anymore. It’s over. I promise, I promise, I promise.

 

Read: 2:17 AM

 

Okay, what is going on between you and Ted Kord???? Fuck ass Blue Beetle???????????? Babs?????? Babs???????????????

 

Read: 2:17 AM

 

That kiss sure as hell didn’t feel platonic to me.

 

Soooooo, we official? 

 

Read: 2:17 AM

 

If you leave me on read one more time, Babs, I swear to-

 

Read: 2:17 AM



Notes:

And then they lived happily ever after and nothing ever came between them or made things complicated :(