Work Text:
In the household of the beloved gay fucking homosexuals laid two men. And when two people love each other very much they
Become GAY!
Here’s the math for the homophobics
Gay = Xie Lian’ + Hua Cheng = Hualian
2:17AM.
The thing about Xie Lian that nobody realizes is that he’s down fucking not just a secret homewrecker because he was ready to RISK THAT DAMN KISSING SPRITUAL EXCHANGE WITH HUA FUCKING CHENG (knowing damn well there was a gracious noble someone which was kaboom! Wowww him in the end!) insane.
Okay well NOT at first.
FIRSTLY. He’s as pretty as a magnolia flower, like look at this cookie that Hua Cheng waited for damn 500 years and still managed to edge him and EVERYONE without fucking confessing.
SECONDLY, He was also polite. Could rebel against ChatGPT in a battle of “omg no you end the conversation first! No youuu!!” Typa shit that’d make Hua Cheng make the company go in debt cuh he’s so rich and big bad wolf.
Soft spoken, not when he’s down with 45 pounds of liquor swirling inside that damn cushion belly and starts singing freak by doja cat in the discord GC.
Or pole danced against the wall in front of Hua Cheng but we should be talking about something that’s actually not a daily occurrence!
So eventually as expected, people assume he’s normal.
ahahahahahahah!!!!!
This is a mistake.
A GRAVE mistake.
One Hua Cheng discovers at exactly 2 fuck ass AM. If it was 3AM during that time he’d be convinced it was the devils hour punishing him for dirty talking Xie Lian on discord when they long distanced like Katie and Ryan over here
Hua Cheng finished watching the entire season of young Sheldon and he himself also wanted to know how to make meemaws famous brisket recipe.
who wouldn’t want a juicy piece of that cookie
He was talking about Xie Lian and the brisket but his mind goes no bounds anyways! As one does, he gets out of bed waking Xie Lian up in the process as he goes to try find a recipe online that replicates her brisket.
“Gege, what’s your laptop password?” Hua Cheng asked.
“Try my birthday.”
“It didn’t work.”
Oh god please. THIS MAN COULDN’T POSSIBLY FORGET HIS MANS BURTDAY PUHH LEASE. HIS ASS DONT WANNA BE SLEEPIN ON THE DANG COUCH NO MO
“Oh then try the date where we were in the middle of fighting shits and spirits or sum and you and I got married amidst it all.”
“Damn.” Way to keep the spark going ig!
The laptop unlocks.
He just wants to find the recipe to meemaws famous brisket recipe. That’s the only thing he wanted. Tapping the mouse on the search bar he began to type.
“Meemwmsss famous briskeyriseicoe”
Lil bro got too fucking excited because what the fuck is that.
He knew that his calligraphy skills were nothing but balls slacking meat rip off tendons joint suckle AHH. But he didn’t know his ahh was still struggling with using the damn laptop after using TikTok for the first time and accidentally exposing nudity to everyone online.
Poor Mu Queef and Feng Shit bashed his ass so badly Xie Lian had to delete them off of Hua Cheng’s phone because he kept accidentally liking them or hitting the dad thumbs up shit.
DIABOLICAL.
He types again, trying to regulate his big boy emotions and understanding that it’s okay to fail and
“Memesksjsjahahahagajklal”
Bitch did he even try.
Okay perhaps he was just fucking getting RAGEBAITED by how DAMN tiny these keys were on the keyboard or maybe because he couldn’t find his glasses for his blurry ass vision.
Squinting his eyes and hunching his back over like a damn cave person did he finally see the screen a smidge clearer.
“Meemaws famous brisk recipe”
Okay close enough!
As he inputted the search into the search inbox, another thing caught his attention besides the wallpaper literally being an up close image of Hua Cheng’s nostrils flaring up in fucking hell or wherever that pitch ahh darkness takes him and his Gege.
Ooh! What’s that? Curious little red riding hood Hua Cheng thinks.
‘Dear Google how do I tell the love of my life I added a sedative in his chocolate cake this morning.’
Oh what the fuck
He scrolled down to his search history and to no one’s surprise actually YES to EVERYONES surprise.
“Can a man really be on his deriod”
“How to tell Mu Qing I hate his newborn baby he and Feng xin birthed together without being rude”
“How to say I love you in ghost language for my lover”
“Dear Siri the baby is genderfluid and it just came out of Mu Qings womb last week.”
“Skibidi Ohio rizz backstory meaning”
What the fuck he’s treating the damn Google website like writing letters to ship off it to a carrier pigeon to fuck ass Romeo or wherever.
Hua Cheng followed a very VERY serious skincare step routine totally relevant by the way. First to prep and moisturise the skin, brighten and lighten, hydrate and massage, steam and—
WE GET IT!!!!!!! HE FOLLOWS SHI QINGXUANS GRWM FOR YEAR SEVENS WATCHING OKAY?!?
But aside from that. It never stoped the fuck ass wrinkles he was forming on his temples that increased with the level of droplets of sweat on his fucking forehead.
“Gege,” he calls out with rare trembling tone.
“San Lang did you find what you needed to find??”
“Gege you put sedatives into my choco cake? I ATE IT ALL, GEGE.”
“Did you find what you need?”
“GEGE AM I GOING TO DIE? I THOUGHT PEI MING ONLY SOLD ILLEGAL LAXATIVES DRINKS ON THE DARK WEB.”
“San Lang did you find the thing you needed to find?”
“GEGE WHAT WILL I DO?!?”
“San lang—“
“WHAT SHOULD I EVER DO?!!!?!????”
Dang.
Ring ring!!!!!
“GEGE DONT ANSWER THAT—“
RING RINGGGG!!!!!!!!!!’
“Okay I’ll answer!”
“NONONONONONONO”
Xie Lian swoops up the phone from his table and put it on speaker mode. It was Mu Qing on the other side of the phone.
“That fucking stupid waste of a sperm. That stupid nurse swapped our babies. That was the fucking alien.”
“Ohhh! So your baby isn’t the dwarf?? Congratulations!—“
“No the baby IS biologically ours. Why did you say congratulations..?”
“Oooooh….well what is the babies name..?”
“I’m making him a girl. Her name will now be Lida Bida Boda Butt.”
“But it’s a boy—?”
“ITS A GIRL!”
“Okay….”
Mu Qing then spoke to Feng Xin on the other side of the phone loud fucking ass enough for it to get through Xie Lian’s eardrums.
“GET OFF THE FUCKING COUCH AND BURP THE FUCKING BABY!” He roared.
“THAT SHIT AINT EVEN A BABY. ARE U SURE IM THE DAD??” Feng Xin echoed back incredulously.
“BITCH WHAT.”
“WHOS THE BLUE DADDY SIDECHICK U FUCKIN WITH HUH???”
“OH MY— BE RIGHT BACK.”
“WAAAHHHHHH!!”
“MU QUEEF I AINT GOT THE NIPPIES FOR THIS SHIT.”
“MOVE!”
“BLAAAAGAGHWAAAAHAHHHHHH—burp. WAAAAAAHHHHH— burp. WAAHHH—“
The call ended.
Okay lads I’m sorry but this is the end I have NO motivation to continue ts ONESHOT anymoreuhhhhh
Im on my Satan sacrificial waterfall if you couldn’t tell I ain’t got no time besides shedding organs!