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His heartbeat is pounding against my head, I feel every single studder, every little beat goes straight into my head, embedding his heart, his essences straight into me. I pray this moment lasts forever. But it won't, I know it won't.
The door opened carefully as if someone wanted to savor a moment they weren’t included in. I wondered who it was, but I didn’t care enough to look.
"Good morning boys" it's Matthew, I recognize that gruff voice anywhere, it's dark and low, like a badly played brass instrument. Slowly, I move my head off of Armin's chest, already missing that closeness that Armin radiates effortlessly.
"Why'd you have to wake me up this early old man?" I said. I felt an unease bubble in my chest. I already know what he wants, his gaze told it all. The way he looked at me, my bare legs, I was wearing shorts because somehow even though it was summer I was still cold, it had been just me and Armin, there was no need to cover or be ashamed because he loved me in my bareness. But now Miche was here and now the gaze that is on me is predatory, not comforting or loving, but lustful.
“Come on kid, I need your help grading papers in my office” Matthew added playfully, nausea rises in my chest, all I can think about is how this is my life now. I’m just his whore, no longer that boy who wished to become a great artist, someone who wished to be loved, but toy for pleasure someone he can fuck willy-nilly.
“Okay um, j-just give me a moment, will you?” I stammered, my hands feel so clammy, no matter how many times we do this I feel like it still feels like my first time. He looks at me with this weird sense of annoyance and hunger like a lion waiting for an opening on its prey.
“Okay” he says then he just walks out with nothing else to say i thought there would be something but no. For once he gave me peace. I still see his shadow lingering outside the door. Having his eyes no longer on me provides a sense of comfort but that comfort won’t last for long.
“I love you, Armin." I kissed his hair. His hair is getting longer, it's almost to his shoulders. Even in his sleep he is beautiful, I can't help but think what he would say if he saw what he does to me. Would he still love me after that anyway?
As I walk out it feels like I’m mourning something that is already gone, But I don’t exactly know what I’m mourning, is it Armin that I’m grieving, or it me. I like to think that God is laughing at me.