Chapter Text
“Damn, Hyeonie, your ice cream looks disgusting.” Keonho jokes as he sits next to Seonghyeon outside the only convenience store in Damyang.
Since it’s a very small village, they haven’t seen anyone else on the streets yet, but they like it that way. Private. Seonghyeon and Keonho. Keonho and Seonghyeon. It has always been them, since childhood.
Somehow, they were always drawn to each other. In kindergarten, when Keonho splashed water on Seonghyeon's face during their swimming lessons and the older one started crying. In elementary school, when they took the same Hunter x Hunter manga volume from the same bookshelf at the same time and their hands touched. And now, in their last year of high school, together as one. Everyone knows Seonghyeon and Keonho are best friends, of course they do.
If Seonghyeon is staring longer than strictly necessarily at Keonho's lips right now while eating his melting ice cream, it isn't anyone's business.
Coincidentally, it is the hottest summer Seonghyeon can remember. He feels this weird feeling on his chest, like his body can’t stop burning. In fact, if he was a little more honest with himself, he would admit it has been burning for a long time now. He wants to blame it on the weather. On his endless high school homework. On his family. On this ruthless village.
“You suck at swimming by the way. You should’ve seen your face when Mr. Choi said you were the slowest record. You’re definitely failing PE.” Keonho teases, distracting him from the flame rising up his throat.
“Well, sorry I’m not a professional athlete like you.” Seonghyeon says as he tries to hide the smile on his face.
“Wait! I have an amazing idea! I should train you.”
“I embarrass myself enough on my own, thank you.”
“Or maybe I should start a summer camp next year. Ahh Keonho’s swimming training course!” The younger points to the sky with his ice cream on hand excitedly. “And you can…Well, It’s enough that you’re there by my side, don’t worry about your non-existent skills.”
“Ouch. I thought you said I knew how to stroke at least.”
“Those were pity points, Hyeonie. But you did look cute.” Keonho carasses Seonghyeon's cheek for a second. It’s a light touch, so gentle Seonghyeon can’t decide if it is real or not.
He’s never been good at receiving Keonho's attention. It’s not that he enjoys it, he just feels weird. Yet he can't bring himself to stop it.
A comfortable silence sets between them and the sun melts their ice creams while they listen to the soundtrack of crickets and birds. Something about this scenery makes Seonghyeon fidget and something about this old village makes time feel frozen. It is almost like any other year, the same exact scene. It's just them and the sun. Almost.
Seonghyeon looks at Keonho. The burning starts building up inside him again, stronger as the summer birds sing louder.
He tries to swallow the disgusting feeling that escalates on his throat. He needs to. He has to. Keonho is here, so he must. But he can’t.
He fails.
“Keonho?” Seonghyeon asks, merely a whisper.
“Hmm?”
“You really don’t remember anything that happened when you were lost for a week in that mountain?”
Six months ago, Keonho had gone missing in the mountains. Nobody knew how it happened, but one day he was just gone and, for an entire week, there was no sign of him. The whole village had searched. Seonghyeon had searched. And then, as suddenly as he had disappeared, Keonho came back.
He was fine, physically at least, but he had no memory of any of it. Not where he had been, not what had happened, not a single moment of that week. The doctors had no explanation and everyone eventually stopped asking. Life went back to normal, or something close enough to it that people stopped noticing the difference. Except Seonghyeon.
He wants to stop talking. He needs to forget. He has to convince himself that Keonho is here and that’s all that matters.
“Nothing at all, no. Not even a second of it.” Keonho answers softly.
“I see…It has been six months since then, so I guess you won’t remember any more than you do at this point.”
That must be it, Seonghyeon thinks. It’s common for people who experience trauma to forget everything. It’s a coping mechanism.
He wants to be there for Keonho, he really does. He wants to stop pressuring him, to stop questioning his answers. But it burns so much he can't ignore it. It makes him want to throw up.
“How much longer are you going to ask me about it? It’s okay, I’m here with you now, Eom princess.” Keonho teases as he holds his hand to Seonghyeon's face again.
This time he stays like that, and Seonghyeon can’t help but gently rub his face on Keonho's palms. It’s their thing: of course Keonho hasn’t forgotten about that.
And of course Keonho is right. He is here, everything’s okay. So why can't Seonghyeon just accept it? He needs to forget. Forget. Ignore. That's all he's done the last six months.
“It isn’t okay. Everybody was worried about you. And you…You can’t seem to understand that.” Seonghyeon says firmly. Not rudely, he could never speak to Keonho like that. His reproach comes off sweet and apologetic.
He doesn’t want to scare him away. Not when he’s touching him. Not when he can feel Keonho's hand callouses on his cheek. Not when he’s looking at him with that mischievous puppy grin, the one that makes Seonghyeon feel weird.
“So you missed me when I was gone.”
Seonghyeon knows Keonho's just teasing, but he wants to cry. It is the PTSD that’s making Keonho act like this, he knows. He believes it. He can’t think otherwise. It burns. It burns. It burns.
“Not really.” Seonghyeon wants to stop rubbing his face on Keonho's hand, but he physically can’t. He needs the reassurance.
He has to make sure Keonho's here. With him.
Seonghyeon did miss him when he was gone. But that wasn’t enough to describe it: that week felt like death. But the thing is, it still does. And Seonghyeon misses Keonho. His Keonho.
It burns. He can’t stop now. He can’t keep doing this. He wants Keonho back so bad.
“Can I ask you something that might sound weird?” Seonghyeon's voice trembles.
“What is it? Are you going to confess your feelings for me?” Keonho teases again.
And Seonghyeon wishes that was the case, really. Whatever yearning teenage love problems he had before Keonho went missing, he wishes that was the only heartache in his life again.
He pushes Keonho's hand away gently.
“No. Listen…This isn’t something that came to me just now…You are my soulmate, right?”
“See! Eom princess, there you go again, being all sappy! Of course I am. And you, mine.”
“Right. That’s not a meaningless word, you know.” Seonghyeon closes his eyes tight for a moment. The ice cream is melting all over his arm. The cold crashes with the wild flames all over his body. His heart hurts. “It means we know each other more than anyone. It means we are connected somehow. I feel your heart and you feel mine.”
He opens his eyes and Keonho is looking at him with a neutral expression. The teasing is gone. His puppy smile is gone. Seonghyeon almost backs out. Almost. It’s too late now, anyways.
“It’s been on my mind since you came back. So I’ve been wondering about it for a while…For months…” Seonghyeon can’t gather enough courage to say it, so he beats around the bush. The hot summer air consumes his lungs.
It’s never too late to keep Keonho with him as it is. He can take it back and return to his state of fake ignorance.
No, but it isn’t right. Seonghyeon knows. He is hurting and he misses his best friend. Because it’s been six months since he last saw Ahn Keonho.
“You aren’t the real Keonho, are you?”
Keonho stares at him. He looks shocked. Seonghyeon's breathing has become uneven and he hears his heart beat like a hammer on his ears.
He waits for the impact. This is the moment he has been grieving for months. His Keonho is gone.
“Why?” Keonho replies. “How?”
You are a perfect copy of him, Seonghyeon thinks, and you have tricked the whole town. But I knew Keonho. I still do, and I forever will. No one can’t take that away from me.
Keonho starts crying from one eye only. Seonghyeon notices how the mole under that eye starts morphing into a bigger hole.
His tears aren’t tears anymore, they slowly become a maroon liquid that seems to have a life of its own. A group of tiny tentacles start coming out of Keonho's pupil and mouth, moving until they finally cover half of his face.
Seonghyeon can’t move, he has lost control of his body. He’s scared, but more so disgusted. This is his best friend's body: it should be sacred, untouched, unpolluted. In reality, half of his face has transformed into a colorful mandala of all sorts of textures and shapes. The rest of his body stays the same. Same old Keonho, but not quite. The mysterious tentacle galaxy starts moving directly to Seonghyeon's face and he tastes bile coming out of his throat.
Ever since Keonho died, he hasn’t cared about being alive or dead. Everything lost meaning. But right now he screams I want to live in the back of his mind. He is terrified of this unnatural creature in front of him.
I can’t die now, Seonghyeon pleads. That would mean the memory of Keonho would be gone forever. No, he needs to stay alive. As long as Seonghyeon is here, Ahn Keonho's memory will remain.
Suddenly, the tentacles stop right before him. Life seems to have stopped for ten seconds. The voice coming from the store disappears, birds and crickets stop their singing, Damyang becomes an atmosphere without oxygen.
Please, I can’t die.
Seonghyeon feels his lungs empty, and then filled up again. The sun keeps burning his skin.
And Keonho throws himself at Seonghyeon for a hug.
“Please.” He cries holding Seonghyeon's back and neck tightly. “Don’t tell anyone.” Keonho sounds so fragile. So scared. “This is the first time I’ve lived as a human. School, swimming, singing, ice cream…I’m enjoying all of them for the first time.”
Seonghyeon wishes he would wake up from this nightmare. He feels sick, nauseated. For the last six months, he’s tried to ignore the signs. He’s told himself to enjoy the last of Keonho's presence, even if it was just his body. Right now, Seonghyeon wishes he died with Keonho and hopes this is just a post mortem sick dream.
However, he can feel Keonho’s real tears wetting his shoulder, an empiric proof of existence. While the creature's tears seem like a desperate sign of humanity, Seonghyeon can also hear the tentacles next to his ear. It’s a combination of all the sounds in the universe and a black hole of pure silence simultaneously. It’s maddening.
“I may be borrowing this body and personality, but my feelings for you are real. This body feels you. It reacts to you. I feel you. I swear.”
These words enter Seonghyeon's body like knives. He can’t help but wonder if a little bit of Keonho's consciousness is still there, telling this monstrous being to take care of him.
No, it can’t be. But then, why hasn’t it killed Seonghyeon yet? Why is it crying? No, it can’t be. Keonho is gone.
“So please…I don’t want to kill you, Hyeonie.”
Seonghyeon hugs him back. Out of fear or out of grief, it doesn't matter. He holds the body of the boy he loves tightly.
He wants to avoid the side where the tentacles are moving, so he hides his face on the other side of Keonho's neck.
He smells his scent: it’s still cookies and cream. He rubs his lips on it: it’s still as soft and strong as ever. Seonghyeon starts sobbing. He is weak. He needs this.
He’ll take what he can get.
“Okay". Seonghyeon whispers as he sniffles painfully. "Nice to meet you, Ahn Keonho.”
At any rate, Keonho is not around anymore. If that’s how it is, then I want you to be by my side. Even if you’re fake.
“Keonho?” Seonghyeon asked. They were watching Hunter x Hunter together in his living room.
“Hmm?”
“What are you gonna do after you’re done with Damyang High School?”
“I haven’t thought that far. I guess I will help with my cousin's business.”
“You hate spicy food.” Seonghyeon smiled. Another one of their shared stories. Another sign of mutual understanding and bonding.
“Then you come to my rescue, as always.” Keonho replied kindly. He loved how well Seonghyeon knew him. “How about you?”
“I haven’t given it much thought either. I like being here with you.” Seonghyeon bit his lips.
He could feel Keonho’s leg touching his. That sofa had always been too small for them.
“You’re smarter than anyone in this rotten village. You should leave us and go to Seoul University.”
“Mm.”
Seonghyeon wanted to let this topic go. He could hear the insecurity in Keonho's teasing voice and he hated it. He would never go anywhere without him.
“What? Does the thought of being away from me upset you that much?” The younger kept joking, but his smile didn't reach his eyes.
“Go to hell.”
“We're already in it.”
Seonghyeon sighed. He knew what Keonho meant. Damyang is a traditional village. People talk. People spread rumors. People judge. People are cruel.
“I’d have my own apartment if I lived in Seoul.” Seonghyeon tried to ease the tension.
“Nice. I’ll stay at your place all the time so you won’t be able to bring cute girls home. Because I’d always be around.”
“I’m not bringing any girls home. Anyone but you, for that matter.”
“Eom princess, c’mon. You always get sore whenever we talk about girls. I’m sure you could get yourself a girlfriend very easily!”
“I don’t want that. And you know it, more than anyone.”
“Things can’t always go the way we want to. Even less in this small ass village, anyways. It’s better if you accept it." Keonho stopped for a second. "I have.”
Seonghyeon knew he hadn't accepted it. You can’t accept people being against your existence. You can’t accept people hating you for loving someone. You can’t accept being afraid of your future. You can’t just accept faking your whole life.
“You do look cute pouting like that though.” Keonho said as he linked their pinkies together.
Seonghyeon wakes up sweating, feeling electricity storming through his fingers.
He dreams about the real Keonho every night. He remembers every single thing they've ever said to each other. Even now, Seonghyeon blushes at the thought of Keonho finding him cute.
He seats cross legged on his bed and he looks at his hands. The very same hands that touched Keonho six months ago; the very same hands that touched Keonho yesterday.
Seonghyeon screams on his pillow, desperate shrieks muffled in silence. He runs to the bathroom, luckily fast enough so that he throws up in the toilet.
“Eom Seonghyeon! Keonho has been waiting for you, you’ll be late for school.” His mother’s voice alerts him. Hearing that name sends a warning alarm to his nervous system.
No, it’s okay. He’s okay. He can do this. He can’t risk losing the last of Keonho. He has to get along with this new…guy. Even if just 1% of his Keonho is still there, he won’t lose hope.
So he wears his uniform, he takes his bike and he goes outside without giving himself any more time to actually think it through. When he greets Keonho, he’s already out of breath.
“Oh, hey…Morning.” The younger says, reserved but smiling. He waits expectantly, unsure of how Seonghyeon will react after what happened yesterday.
Seonghyeon looks at him. No, he stares. Pretty moles. Long eyelashes. Strong neck. Nervous smile. Keonho’s bike with both his Radiohead sticker and Seonghyeon’s açai keyring. Everything. Still here.
“We gotta hurry up. We don’t want Juhoon getting mad at us again.” Seonghyeon raises the corners of his lips a little, trying to lift the mood.
This intention of a smile makes Keonho’s uneasy expression fade into a big happy grin.
Seonghyeon discovers he still feels butterflies when he sees his friend smile, even if it’s Keonho.
Whatever you are, having you by my side is way better than not having you at all.
He has nothing to lose, anyways. Seonghyeon is a walking dead, he has been for six months now.