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for my friend, jane.
june 7th, 1991
Dear Jane,
Happy Birthday! I hope it’s actually a good one. You deserve a day that’s just yours, finally. You work so hard at the diner, socializing and stuff. You’re even better than me now. I really hope you can see how much you’ve grown, even if you don't always feel like it.
I was thinking about when we first met. Or well, when I first met you. Remember? You looked so badass. Can you believe you didn’t like me back then? It feels like a lifetime ago.
Today, you don't have to be anything for anyone else. You’ve done enough of that. Just be… Jane, right? My friend, Jane.
P.S. I know you’re going to be insufferable about it, so just get it out of your system now: yes, you’re officially older than me for one whole month. I’m sure you’ve been counting down the seconds to hold that over my head, so enjoy your thirty days of bliss. Don’t let it go to your head too much. Or do. You deserve it :)
Love,
Your friend, Max.
jane 1991
jane 1991
max + jane
june 7th, 1992
Dear Jane,
How is life treating you? God, I feel like an asshole for not being there, but NYC is miles away, and this internship is kicking. my. ass. Remember when summers used to be fun?
I know you and Will have probably made millions of friends, but don’t forget your best friend… aka: me. I’ve made new friends too, but I miss you. A lot. I miss summer at the diner and just having someone around who actually gets me. Things here are loud and fast and kind of overwhelming, and it’s just not the same without you.
Anyway, I hope this reaches you on your birthday. I sent a cool mixtape. I know you hate surprises so don’t worry, I’ll list some songs at the end of this letter too. You’re welcome.
Happy Birthday, Jane. I hate that I’m not there to celebrate with you today.
Love,
Your friend, Max.
max 1992
max 1992
click/hover for jane’s mixtape
I just discovered Tori Amos. Pretty cool, right? Let me know what you think next letter.
Songs:
kiss them for me - siouxsie and the banshees
go away - strawberry switchblade
ecstasy apple of my eye - strawberry switchblade
MAX
1992
Dear Max,
Thank you for your letter and the mixtape. They arrived today and I have been reading it and listening to it over and over since I got home. I am sorry that you are feeling lonely and that the internship is hard. Do you want to talk about it more? You have always been so tough, but I know it is a lot to carry all by yourself from experience. Are Lucas and Mike being of any use? Please, do not feel like an asshole for not being here. I am proud of you!!!
Things in New York are good. I am doing okay in my classes, and I have made friends here. They are kind, but it is not the same as being with you. Even when we are far apart, you are the person I think of first when something happens. You are still my best friend.
I did have a birthday dinner with Will and some people from school. They made me dress up… really fancy. It felt nice to try something different. For a moment, I felt like a normal person, just Jane, having a birthday. It was fun, but I kept wishing you were there.
It feels like a long time since we were really together, but I am counting the days until I can come back or you can visit. Now that it is summer, it cannot be too long until then.
I am sending you a polaroid from the birthday dinner. I hope you like it. Do you think I look pretty? I always think you look beautiful in your pictures.
Love,
Jane.
jane’s 20th, 1992
into the groove - madonna : 9/10
I know this is an older song, but it is still so good. It makes me feel like I have a lot of energy. It is funny because even though I have heard it a million times, it never gets boring. It is the perfect song for when you need to feel confident.
you might think - the cars : 7/10
This one is really weird in a good way. I think that Will would like it. The sounds are all jumping around and I kept wondering how they made the instruments sound like that.
friday i’m in love - the cure: 10/10
You already know I love this song so much!!! It is so happy. You must be in my mind, because I have been singing it every day this week. It makes me want to run outside in the pouring rain and twirl around.
hit - the sugarcubes: 6/10
This one was very different. The woman singing has a special voice, almost like she is speaking but also singing at the same time. It is very loud and fast, like the city.
angel - madonna: 10/10
This song always reminds me of you. Do you remember? When we had our first sleepover in ‘85, you put this song on and I really enjoyed it. I think I’ll always love this song the most because it feels like you are sitting right next to me.
deus - the sugarcubes: 7/10
Max, did you just discover this band? You put two of their songs on this mixtape but I have never heard you talk of them. The music in this song feels like it is circling around in my head, and I think her voice is growing on me.
kiss them for me - siouxsie and the banshees: 9/10
This song is so strange, I did not expect to like it so much. It sounds kind of dark, but also like I am floating. I have been playing it while cleaning up my room. It feels very New York. Is this what people listen to at clubs? It feels like it belongs in a place with a lot of people and neon lights.
go away - strawberry switchblade: 6/10
The singing in this one is very sweet, but the words are kind of mean, aren't they? It is like something I would have wanted to say to Mike back then, but it is too pretty to be angry.
ecstasy (apple of my eye) - strawberry switchblade: 9.5/10
This one is so different from the other one by them. It sounds so happy and she seems to be very in love. It really reminds me of our friendship. I am thinking about all the years we have been friends. We have been through so much. I hope that we are able to see things we have never seen, and go places we have not tried to be together like the song says.
tear in your hand - tori amos: 10/10
You were right. It is so cool. It is different from anything else on the tape. It feels personal, like she is talking straight to me. I love her voice. Tomorrow, I will find the full album on CD. I want to hear what else is on there.
pandora (for cindy) - cocteau twins: 10000/10
I do not even know what the words are supposed to be, but it does not matter. The way she sings feels like magic. Like an instrument that is just hers. It is like being in a dream where everything is soft and blurry. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard.
hardly ever smile (without you) - poison girlfriend: 9/10
I know I am rating a lot of them high, but you have a very good taste in music. I love them all. It is dreamy and not a song I would dance to. It sounds like something I would put on while missing someone, and the only person I miss lately is you.
max visits jane in new york
click/hover to open
august 1992
october 31st, 1992
Dear Jane,
BOO! Did I scare you? I totally did. Ha!
Happy Halloween. Instead of partying and getting drunk, I’m finally getting around to writing this, sorry it’s taken me a minute. College is… well, it’s a lot lately. Most of my lectures are exactly as soul-crushingly boring as I thought they’d be, and I’m barely managing to keep my head above water.
Whenever I’m too stressed, I think about you. That’s my way of saying I’ve been thinking about you a ton lately. Like, constantly. It’s been weird since I got back from New York. Without Mike’s constant rambling about every little thing that goes wrong in his day, it’s uncomfortably quiet. (PS, I’m praying for your and Will’s sanity now that that asshole is New York’s problem.)
I think being there with you for those weeks messed with my head a little bit. In a good way, I guess. It made me look at a lot of stuff I’ve been trying to ignore for a long time and It’s been a lot of late nights thinking about why I feel the way I do. I don't really know how to talk about it without sounding like a total freak, but I’ve been figuring things out. Or trying to, at least. How about you? Is your head as fucked as mine, or are you managing better? Maybe it wasn’t even a revelation for you at all, I won’t assume.
Anyway, I don’t want to just ramble on about how much this place sucks or how much I’ve been stuck in my own head. I really just wanted to see how you’re holding up, Jane. Did you have a nice Halloween? Are you keeping up with all your classes? Are you making sure to balance your actual life and your school life? Is Mike driving you insane yet?
I’m already staring at my calendar, trying to figure out how I can clear everything out to get back to see you for Christmas break. I need to make it happen. I really do. Let me know what your schedule looks like for the holidays. I’m going to make it work, I promise.
Love,
Your… friend, Max.
MAX
1992
Dear Max,
It was a very nice surprise to get your letter in the mail. I am sorry that it has taken me three weeks to write back to you, but the semester has become very busy. I am glad to hear that you are managing your classes, even if they are boring. I think that shows how dedicated you are. I am trying my best to keep up with my classes too, but it is much more difficult than I expected it to be.
I did not do anything for Halloween. Mike, Will, and I stayed in the apartment and watched a movie. You are correct that Mike is very loud, but I think I have become very used to it by now. I am sorry that you are feeling lonely, but I am glad that you still have Lucas to talk to. Can you tell him I say hello?
Regarding what you said about your head feeling "fucked," I am not sure how to answer that for myself. I have been very busy with my studies and trying to settle into life in New York better. I think it is good that you are taking the time to figure things out for yourself. It is important to understand how you feel and what you want, and I am glad that you feel like you can be honest about it. Everyone finds their own path in their own time, and I am happy that you are discovering things about yourself. Maybe you can write to Will about it, I am sure his words will be more useful than mine.
I also have some news. I have met someone here in New York. His name is Matthew, but I call him Matt. He is in my sociology class. We have been seeing each other for a few weeks now, and we are dating. He is very nice, very smart, and I am quite happy with him. I have attached a few Polaroids from last weekend so you can see him. What do you think?
I do not know about my schedule for the holidays yet. I have many examinations, and I need to stay here to study with my group. It might be difficult for me to find the time to see you, but I will see and I will get back to you. It would be nice if we could all visit Montauk and celebrate Christmas with my parents.
I hope you have a good week. Please do not worry about me. I am doing fine.
From,
Your friend, Jane.
jane + matthew, NYC 1992
jane + matthew, NYC 1992
matthew, NYC 1992
Unsent Letter
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Jane,
I’ve started this letter like six times already. Every time I get three sentences in, I end up throwing the paper across the room. So, fine. I’m just going to write it.
I’m looking at those pictures you sent, and I don’t even know what to say to you. I’m not even sure why you sent them. Was that supposed to be a "catch up" letter, or were you trying to tell me to just get over it? Because it feels a hell of a lot like the second one.
You don’t just get to treat me like that while you go off and play house with some guy from your sociology class. Did those weeks actually mean nothing to you? Because I don't see how that’s possible considering we…
click/hover to reveal
Max, are you there? It’s Jane.
December 30th, 1992
Dear Max,
Merry belated Christmas. I hope that you had a nice holiday and that you were able to spend time with people you care about. Lucas wrote to me, and he mentioned that you planned to celebrate with him and his family. Did you get anything fun? I hope your winter break has been peaceful, even if it is short.
Winter in Montauk with Mike and Will is very relaxing. It is the first time we are all together in such a long time. Joyce and Hopper made a very big dinner for Christmas, and Jonathan and Nancy came to visit too. We are all staying in the house near the water. Matthew bought me a beautiful camera, and I have already started taking photos of the ocean. I will give you one. Will has been helping me paint, too.
I do not know if you have heard yet, but Mike and Will are dating. I think it is wonderful. They have always had a special bond, so it makes me very happy to see them together. It is funny, though. It reminded me of a conversation I had with Mike a few months ago. I had asked him what he thought about two best friends dating, and he told me that he did not think it was worth the risk of ruining a close friendship. He must have changed his mind. Sometimes people are afraid of the change, even when it is the right thing.
I have been thinking a lot about our friendship, too. I know things have been different lately, but I want you to know that I still think about you often, and I hope that you are doing well.
I am not sure if this letter will reach you before or on New Year’s, but Happy New Year’s in advance. I know you are probably just very busy with your projects and trying to relax, but I miss hearing from you. I check the mailbox almost every day hoping to see a new letter from you. Please write when you have the time, or call me if you can. I would like to talk.
Love,
Jane.
Jane's Letter - September 1992
Jane's Letter - October 1992
montauk, NY 1992
jane paints a portrait of max, NYC 1992
Thank you for the birthday wishes, but Max, please write or call Jane. The silence is killing her. I know it’s hard, trust me, but this will only hurt you both.
— Will.
Max,
For someone who was always attacking me for how I treated Jane, you’re sure being an asshole. Just write. Call. It’s not that hard. She couldn’t have done anything bad enough to deserve this. It’s been six months, Max.
— Mike.
Mike,
You have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m not gonna let you of all people make me feel more shitty than I already do about this. Not that it’s any of your business, but I am writing her soon. I was dealing with this on my own terms and I’ve been insanely busy with transfer papers. Why is everyone but me allowed to be upset at others? I just wanted space so I didn’t say things I’d regret. Understand that.
— Max.
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hey, jane. it’s max.
may 19th, 1993
Jane,
It’s been a while, I know. I’m not great at being the one to reach out when things are complicated, and it felt like I would just be getting in the way. I’ve spent the last few months basically living in my own head, but I’m doing better. Really. It took me a long time to get here, and I’m sorry for the radio silence, but I think the distance was probably the only way I was ever going to pull myself together.
I’m going to be honest because I think you deserve that much: the photos you sent back in the fall? They hurt a lot. I kept those Polaroids in my desk for weeks before I finally threw them out because I couldn't look at them without feeling like a total idiot. It was just a shitty situation, and I think I finally realized that waiting around for something that wasn’t going to happen was only making me miserable. So, consider the slate wiped clean.
I wanted to tell you before you heard it from anyone else or you ran into me in a subway: a few months ago, I applied to a transfer program in New York. I got the acceptance letter last week. All of you are already out there and there are zero opportunities for me in Indiana, so I’m making the jump. I’ll be moving up there next month.
I’m not saying this so we can pretend nothing happened, but it’ll be nice to see as much familiar faces in the city as possible once I’m settled. Maybe we can all grab a coffee, or something stronger, and celebrate your birthday together? We can talk about it more once I’m there. I just don’t want it to be awkward between us, since we share the same friends… and Mike.
Oh, and for what it’s worth, I hope things with Leo are going well, even if I don’t really know the guy. Just make sure he’s not a tool, okay? You’re worth way more than that.
Anyway, I’m rambling. I have a million boxes to pack, and the post office closes in twenty minutes, so I should probably get to it.
See you (???) in a few weeks,
Max.
MAX
1993
Dear Max,
You have no idea how happy I am to receive this letter. I have been waiting for so long to hear from you that I almost stopped believing that I would. It made me sad, but I never stopped checking. I was listening to the mixtape you sent me last year when I checked today, and I almost fell to the ground.
I am very sorry for hurting you. I did not know that the pictures would make you feel that way. You are right to say that it was a shitty situation. You are right to be angry at me. I would be angry too. I am glad that you are moving on, and I am so glad that you are coming here. Maybe we can talk when you arrive. I do not think I can say what I mean properly in these letters. ˙◠˙
I am not sure how to explain why I sent the pictures. I think… I wanted you to know that I was doing things, and I wanted to prove to myself that I could have a "normal" life, but I did not think about how it would look to you. That was not fair. It was selfish. You deserve all the time in the world to be away from me.
It is exciting that you are transferring here. Will you be at the same college as me?! ◡̈
New York can be very overwhelming, but it will be much better with you here. I can help you navigate it, too. I am already imagining us getting coffee, or walking through the park. I would love to celebrate my birthday with you, too. You are still my best friend, Max.
Things with Matthew are okay. He is nice, and he is kind, but it is not the same. Sometimes we are sitting in the library and I am talking to him, but I feel like I am just waiting for the day to be over. I do not think he understands me the way you do. I think he is a good person, but he is just a person.
Please, when you get to the city, call me!!! Right away!!! I have the apartment phone number written at the bottom of this letter. I am so happy you will be local. No more waiting for the mail, and no more worrying about the cost. I think I will miss writing these letters to you, though. Still, I am so glad that you are coming. Even when I am surrounded by everyone else, I still feel very lonely. It will be better when you are here.
I am counting the days until you arrive. I will make a list of all the places I want to show you. There is a small deli near here that makes very good sandwiches, I think you will like them. And there is a rooftop by my building. You can see the whole city from there when the sun goes down. You can also meet my friends, and Matthew too, if you want.
Please travel safely.
Love,
Jane.
max moves in, august 1993
max moves in, august 1993
jane + max, nyc september 1993
max, nyc september 1993
max, nyc october 1993
November 14th, 1993
I hope you enjoy your lunch, Max! ❤︎ This made me feel like a domestic housewife. No complaints, though ◡̈
Joke of the day: Why did the dog sit in the shade at the park?
……
Because, he did not want to be a hot dog!!!
- jane
jane, nyc november 1993
kiss her now, nyc december 1993
December 25th, 1993
Max,
Merry Christmas!
I am writing this at the kitchen table because I cannot sleep, and I want to give you something in the morning before your real gift. I know it is weird, and maybe not enough, but when you were in Indiana, I liked reading your words. It felt like I was hearing you talk even when you were far away. I think I miss that sometimes, but then I remember that you are actually here, and that is a thousand times better. Anyway, I wanted to write this in case you miss it sometimes also. I hope you like your real gift, too. I keep hiding it under the bed because I want it to be a surprise.
I am looking at the Christmas tree we decorated. It is messy and the lights are crooked, but I think it is the best one I have ever seen. Last Christmas, we were not even talking. I think I was trying to tell myself that it was fine, but I did not realize how sad it made me. I had delicious food, I saw pretty lights and I had a wonderful view of the ocean, but I did not enjoy any of it. I do not think I can celebrate anything when we are not okay. I am so glad we are now.
I know I was not easy to be around when I was hurting back then, especially after I lost everything. I felt very lost. I did not know who I was if I was not... a savior, I guess. People would look at me like I was being ridiculous, that I should be relieved, but they did not try to understand. You were the only one who did. You could have left me alone, but you did not. You made me apply to the diner, you made me eat, and you listened to me talk about the stuff I could not say to anyone else. You are a very good friend, Max. You are the only one who really knows me.
By the way, I know you have noticed me staring at you lately when we are watching movies. I am sorry if it is weird. I do not mean to make you uncomfortable. It is just that you have this way of reacting to things that I find very interesting. I like watching you. I think you are the most interesting person I have ever met.
I should try to sleep. We have a lot to do tomorrow, and I want to be awake for it. Thank you for moving here. Thank you for being my… Max.
Love,
Jane
P.S. I have a new joke. Why was Santa’s little helper sad?
…
Because he had very low elf-esteem.
I told it to myself in the mirror and laughed. I think I am getting better at this!!!
christmas, nyc 1993
jane, christmas, nyc 1993
christmas, nyc 1993
max + jane, nyc february 1994
max + jane, nyc, march 1994
max, nyc, may 1994
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for my girl, jane.
june 7th, 1994
Dear Jane,
Happy Birthday.
I know, I know… I’m sitting right across from you, and you’re probably wondering why I’m handing you a letter instead of just saying it. But I remember how much you used to talk about those letters we sent and how you missed it. Besides, I wanted to put this down on paper so you can keep it, in case you ever forget exactly how I see you.
I’ve been trying to think of how to say all the things I want to say without sounding like a broken record. God, I feel like I compliment you all day long, and I’m probably starting to sound like a freak. But it’s not my fault. Every time I look at you, I find something else.
You are so incredibly special and strong, and I don’t mean that in the way people used to talk about you. You’re strong because you’re soft. You’re kind, even when the world hasn’t been kind to you, and you’re brave enough to be yourself, which, let’s be honest, is the hardest thing to do. You don’t need anything else to be special. You’re already the brightest thing I’ve ever seen. You’re brilliant. You’re just… everything. Seriously.
Living with you has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I hope you like your present. I spent way too much time looking for it, and I’m nervous you’ll think it’s too much, but I couldn't help myself. I want you to have nice things. I want you to have everything.
I’m so lucky I get to spend today with you. And tomorrow. And every day after that.
Love,
Max
P.S. I hope you’re ready to celebrate this weekend, because I’ve already got it all planned out. A birthday and our four month anniversary? Prepare to be spoiled rotten.
max + jane, nyc, june 10th 1994