Chapter Text
The last few days have been a disaster. Alfred believed it couldn’t get any worse for him from here on out.
From trouble with his flight and the hotel room check-in to the worst occurrence yet: getting humiliated in front of every single country for his boss’ latest decisions. Alfred fled from the scene filled with shame right after the start of the break, ending up in a secluded area somewhere in the conference building.
What Alfred desperately needed right now was a smoke and his eyes searched for a room that would grant him some privacy. However, he found that most of the doors were unsurprisingly locked. Deep down he had already given up hope on finding himself a sanctuary in this forsaken building.
With a sullen expression, he reached the end of the hallway and thus, the last room far enough away from the conference area without supervision. He stopped in front of it, just standing there for a moment, eyeing the knob. A tired sigh escaped his lips as he reached out and turned the doorknob, expecting fate to let him down.
Yet, against all odds, the door clicked. It was open. Alfred’s eyes lit up as he immediately slipped into the room. He wasted no time to shut the door behind himself and used the hard wooden barrier for support, slumping against it.
Basking in the silence, Alfred tilted his head backwards and closed his eyes.
He reached into his suit pocket to retrieve an almost empty pack of Marlboros, the sight reminding him to use his last couple of cigarettes moderately until he got back to the States.
Bringing a cigarette to his lips, Alfred started inspecting his surroundings while fishing for a lighter.
The room he found himself in turned out to be a vacant office. It was barely furnished, a desk positioned lonely in the center of the room. The lack of decoration and color created a perfectly oppressive atmosphere.
Despite all of that, Alfred chose to ignore the increasing unease creeping into his system.
It wasn’t like he could dwell on the thought for much longer, as it slowly dawned on him that he apparently forgot to bring a lighter. Irritatedly, Alfred checked all of his pockets a second time, then a third. It became undoubtedly clear he actually left it in his hotel room and he groaned in defeat.
He bit down on the butt of the cigarette, internally cursing himself for being so negligent. He was about to put it back into the pack, when another idea crossed his mind when his eyes fell on the desk again. Alfred walked up to it, his gaze scanning the surface. He couldn’t spot a lighter there, however.
He settled down on the chair and examined the drawers as well, despite a voice in the back of his mind reminding him that he was currently breaching someone’s privacy. In his desperation he seemed to have lost all his common sense.
But luckily for him, his search was a success. He found what he was looking for in one of the bottom drawers.
”Thank God,” Alfred mumbled to himself, his strained muscles relaxing as he placed the cigarette between his lips again.
Not wasting another second before lighting it, the fleeting warmth of the flickering flame became if just for a mere moment a stark contrast to the coldness of the office. Taking a deep drag and leaning back into the leather chair, he tried his best to make himself as comfortable as possible. His gaze was unfocused as he reminisced about the accusations held against him during the meeting.
Europe and he hadn’t been on good terms for a while now. Alfred couldn’t find it in himself to blame them, however. Because in all honesty, he wouldn’t have much respect left for himself either if the roles were reversed. Only imagining the direction in which his country was currently heading made him feel nauseous, so he quickly searched for something else, preferably more pleasant to think about.
He found he couldn’t, however.
Instead it became painfully apparent that he was on the verge of turning into the same kind of nation he was known to despise.
China.
Iran.
Russia.
Fuck. Why would he consider something like that?
He finished his cigarette and absentmindedly crushed it out on a random sheet of paper, his leg bouncing restlessly.
Then, without warning, the door opened and Alfred was pulled out of his spiral immediately. His eyes locked onto the figure entering the room like he was caught doing something he shouldn’t.
They widened once he registered who exactly decided to ruin his solitude.
It was none other than Russia. Because of course it was.
Alfred’s stomach dropped. His senses switched to fight or flight in an instant as his and Ivan’s gazes met.
Just one glance at the other was enough for Alfred to conclude that Ivan must be exhausted. Dark bags formed under his eyes and he appeared to be paler than usual, which sounded close to impossible. Alfred would argue that Ivan was probably worse off than him.
”Get up and leave right now. I do not remember giving anyone the right to be in my office,” were the words Ivan chose to direct at Alfred.
They were spoken with absoluteness, no room for objection. The disingenuous smile Ivan usually wore to seem approachable was missing as well. He had to be very on edge to not keep up his facade right now.
It made a part of Alfred feel deriving joy.
For some reason, Alfred involuntarily did as Ivan ordered and shot out of the seat without hesitation. He instantly regretted doing so too, not meaning to act out on the other’s command. Because there was no need for him to listen to the likes of Ivan.
“But I am here. And I’m planning on staying here too, so why exactly should I listen to what you’re saying?“ Alfred replied, hoping to get under the other’s skin.
He circled around the desk, crossing his arms and fixing his eyes solely on Ivan’s, challenging him with a cocky grin. Ivan however, seemed to be far less interested in indulging Alfred and his antics. He rolled his eyes before trying again to get his point across. Walking up to the nation leaning against his desk, his brows furrowed.
“Because you are currently my guest,” he emphasized, “and it is very inappropriate to enter private spaces without my permission. Especially when all you do is leave behind a stench of smoke.“
Alfred still didn’t budge. He stayed put and scoffed at Ivan’s statement.
“Oh, because you’re one to talk about formalities, right? You know, if you actually cared about these things, maybe you should’ve kept the conference from turning into a fucking mess,” Alfred countered.
Ivan had already heard enough from the first sentence to conclude that the rest was going to be unnecessary whining. He tuned out America’s words, no intention to listen to his complaints.
Instead, he let his gaze drift off towards his desk, where he discovered that Alfred made himself feel a little too at home. He apparently felt like putting out his cigarette on one of his documents. Ivan pushed Alfred out of the way, making him yelp.
“You seem to really lack judgment of where you currently are,” He cursed.
He picked up the tainted piece of paper, crumpling it before continuing, “But why am I surprised? It is not the first time you trample into places you do not belong in and mistake your convenience for everyone’s necessity.”
Alfred balled his fists while listening to what Ivan had to say, aware of the implications in his statement. Anger consumed him as he grabbed his scarf and pulled his face closer.
“Of course you gotta bring politics into this, you piece of shit. I know for a fact that you’re the last person to lecture me on anything, don’t you think so? Because I bet everyone else would agree with me on that, even—no, especially your older sis-” Alfred ranted.
His words were cut off by Ivan taking hold of his wrist with an iron grip and ripping the hand of his scarf. The action took Alfred by surprise, he didn’t have time to react. Ivan’s face had darkened considerably.
“You have said enough,” Ivan said, tightening his hold. “If you choose to finish that sentence, I promise you are not going to leave this room unscathed,” he warned.
Cold eyes were glaring daggers into Alfred’s, waiting for a sign of acknowledgment on his behalf. Alfred merely attempted to free himself from Ivan’s grasp with a bored expression. He struggled against him, ready to avoid confrontation, as it slowly became more and more evident that couldn’t get the other to budge in the slightest.
Panic flashed before his eyes as he glared at Ivan with increasing animosity. Alfred chose to remain headstrong, not backing down now or showing weakness in front of Ivan. Because if he did, the other was going to never let it live down for him.
Still, this proved a certainly shocking revelation to Alfred, even if he currently couldn’t focus his whole attention on it.
The lack of reaction from Alfred caused the two of them to end up standing there, letting time pass by while no one attempted to move.
Ivan got increasingly frustrated with the way Alfred glared at him. His suppressed dread and continuous pride really made Ivan contemplate if he should just put a violent end to this encounter with. But he wasn’t in the position to give in to such emotional impulses at the moment.
Especially since it has been years since other nations agreed to hold a world summit in his country, it would be a waste if he destroyed that privilege by giving in to Alfred’s provocation. That’s why for the first time in a long while, Ivan decided to put an end to this conflict without escalation.
“It is useless to engage with someone as arrogant as you,” Ivan finally declared, relaxing his features and forming a hospitable smile on his lips. He let go of Alfred’s hand and pushed it away, “If you want to stay here, do as you will. I am not in the mood to be around you any longer.“
After Ivan finished speaking, Alfred felt completely unsure on how to respond to him. A part of him desperately wanted to rebut his words and tell him he was wrong. However, another part hindered him from articulating a coherent sentence. He felt both too embarrassed and furious at the same time. He knew he had to come off as a total idiot, deadpanning at Ivan without responding
Ivan only shook his head in dismay at Alfred’s behavior, before turning to exit the room, facing away from the other and walking towards the door. He left the room without another word or glance directed at Alfred, who was still standing there, watching Ivan’s movements until the door shut for good. The noise of the door also shook Alfred out of his state, flinching slightly and making his normal self return.
Only now did Alfred’s face reflect his anger again, the hand Ivan wouldn’t let go off feeling warm. He glared at his gradually reddening wrist, questions piling up in his head.
The most prominent one was why he couldn’t just free himself from Ivan’s grasp. That made no sense whatsoever, Alfred was much more powerful than him. The most powerful and influential nation in the world, after all.
There was no way his strength was declining.
Right?
He immediately felt his face paling as the idea crossed his mind.
Considering that possibility, Alfred decided he needed much more than just a simple break from the other nations in order to process today. He had to distance himself from the conference entirely and rest properly for today.
After he made up his mind, he swiftly turned on his heels, left the room and sprinted down the hall once again. This time not even thinking about the cold.
He was hyperfocused on leaving this place while hoping not to run into someone else, someone who would be a hindrance.
Alfred told himself to screw everything—the summit, the other nations and especially Russia, trying his best not to let his confidence waver once he started hearing the voices of other nations gradually get louder again.
He approached the door to the break room with potent steps, however, gradually lost his self-assuredness. When he stood before the dreaded door, he contemplated what to do next. Reaching out to pull the door open, he noticed with shock that his hand was trembling.
“Jesus, put yourself together,” Alfred whispered harshly to himself in hopes of being able to compose himself as much as possible.
Somehow, he did manage to suppress his emotions to an extent. He pulled the door open, exposing himself to the rest of the world.
While taking the first steps into the crowded room, his heart rate exceeded.
The walk across the room felt just as much as endless as how it felt agonizing. His gaze pinpointed towards the exit. He didn’t dare to spare a glance to the crowds of other nations.
Something forced him to believe that everyone’s eyes were fixated on him, judging his every step.
Could they have found out about his failed attempt at fighting off Ivan? Only imagining it caused him to hug his upper body defensively.
The distance between Alfred and the door gradually shortened. Once it was in his reach, he felt relief washing over his system. For the first time since entering the room, he let out a deep breath. Coming in contact with the handle, the heavy pressure on his chest lifted.
However, just as Alfred was about to slip away, the grip of a warm hand captured his wrist and stopped him in his tracks.
He froze completely, not even being able to form a thought in this short moment. With panicked eyes, he looked over his shoulder to see who had decided to confront him this time.
The sight of Arthur greeted him—sharp eyes studying his face and bushy brows slightly curved in annoyance. Alfred couldn’t tell if he felt relieved or even more distressed by this.
He opened his mouth, intending to ask Arthur what he was doing, but the other beat him to it.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going, Alfred?” Arthur questioned bluntly, his tone too harsh for Alfred’s current condition.
Not too far behind him, Alfred spotted Matthew and Francis watching the scene unfold and, like that, he was hyperaware of his surroundings again. The scene attracted attention, other nations also fleetingly glancing over to see what was going on.
The exposure went straight to Alfred’s gut.
“I-I’m going home,” Alfred stumbled out, internally groaning for letting a stutter slip, his eyes looking everywhere but at Arthur.
He tried to lightly pull his hand out of the other’s touch, hoping to send the message across and making him let go.
Arthur shook his head in disapproval at his words, looking confused.
"’Home’? What do you mean ‘home’?”
He took a step towards Alfred, seemingly unaware of both his behavior and his attempt of freeing himself.
“You’re going back to your country on a whim? The meeting isn’t even over yet!“ He complained, berating him while slightly raising his voice.
“No, not home home, I…” Alfred began, however, trailing off to focus on gathering confidence and doing his best to meet Arthur’s gaze. “I meant I’m going back to my hotel room,” he corrected, his mouth dry.
The way Alfred acted made something in Arthur click. It finally sank in that the situation was a lot more serious for him. So, he slowly let go off Alfred’s hand and chose to massage his temples instead, sighing and closing his eyes.
“Oh yes, because that makes it any better.”
He raised his head to look at Alfred again, but this time his face carried a lot more concern and softness to it than before. An expression Alfred knew from his younger days.
Seeing it now among bystanders felt a lot less comforting.
“You look absolutely distraught. Be honest with me, is everything ok-” Arthur meant to ask, needing to hear some sort of reassurance from Alfred.
Before he could finish asking, Alfred interrupted him, the prospect of having to discuss his problems in front of the entire world was getting him further worked up.
“Relax, dude. I’m fine, okay? I’ve just been really busy lately,” Alfred claimed, half-lying and half-telling-the-truth, speaking a bit more hastily than intended.
While punching Arthur on his shoulder in an easygoing manner, Alfred tried his best to strike a confident smile.
However, Arthur’s eyes just narrowed in suspicion. He didn’t buy Alfred’s act in the slightest.
He still relented, waving his hand at the other dismissively.
“Do as you must, I guess. It’s still very unprofessional and will without doubt stain your already tarnished reputation even more. But if you so desperately need to leave, who am I to hold you back? So please, take care of yourself,” Arthur comforted him, returning Alfred’s smile with a lopsided one.
Yeah, these words really make me feel reassured, Alfred thought to himself, having to bite his tongue to keep the words from spilling out. There was nothing for him to gain from commenting on Arthur’s choice of words and risking starting an argument. Especially now.
Instead he just nodded towards him, wearing a calm and collected expression, before turning around and proceeding with his escape.
As soon as the sound of the door falling shut reached Alfred’s ears, he allowed himself to heave. His pace increased, yet his heartbeat regulated itself.
Once he had put enough distance from him and the break room, Alfred leaned against a wall to catch his breath. He felt like he had run a marathon, both his body and mind extremely exhausted.
Alfred deserved himself to have an afternoon of doing absolutely nothing. If anything maybe trying to sort out his thoughts. He rubbed his eyes before continuing to walk towards the lobby.
After Alfred entered the lobby, he plumbed down on one of the many sofas, ordering himself an Uber right away. He started playing with his phone out of boredom while waiting for its arrival, having knowingly turned off his notifications. He had to shut the rest of the world out for the time being.
There was a smile playing on Alfred’s lips while sitting on the comfortable sofa in the warm lobby, finally able to relax.
With a creak Alfred opened the door to his hotel room.
The ends of his suit pants and his dress shoes were soaked from the snow he had to venture through to get to the hotel, which happened to be a bit off the street.
The area it was located in looked absolutely cinematic. Like a typical winter wonderland. It was the perfect choice to accommodate a broad range of nations, even those who weren’t necessarily used to such climates.
Not that the scenery mattered to Alfred, though. At least the inside of the hotel was warm.
Stepping into his room, he wasted no time slipping out of his shoes. He left them lying unkempt on the floor, his bomber jacket joining them soon after.
Although it would’ve been a good idea to put on something more comfortable first, his limbs felt so heavy that he couldn’t help but fall face-first onto the soft mattress. His glasses dug uncomfortably into his face. With a tired groan, he pulled them off and let them fall somewhere beside him.
It turned out that silence really was what Alfred needed. His soft breath against the sheets was the only sound reaching his ears. Even his thoughts had finally calmed down.
After lying on the mattress for a few peaceful minutes, he forced himself to sit up. He needed to text Matthew and ask him if he could bring him his stuff, because Alfred really wasn’t bothered to think about something that unimportant at the time.
When the status of his messages changed to sent, he anticipated a response, an acknowledgement from Matthew as fast as possible. He waited for a bit, however none came.
He figured that was because Matthew was still at the world conference.
Whatever. Alfred knew his brother well enough to expect that he would have brought him his things even if he didn’t ask him to.
So after having taken care of that, he thought of what to do now.
His plan was to relax after returning to his hotel room, but he had to admit he felt a little restless now. The silence was deafening, too. He blamed it all on the guilt building up in his gut for leaving early.
Questions popped up he was desperate to get an answer to. He wondered if tho others had noticed his absence, if they were worried about him.
What plagued him most, however, was: did they miss him?
God, he couldn’t believe what he was thinking. As if he had to care about how others perceived him. He threw his phone onto his bed and decided to get some work done instead. He had always been the most distracted from personal issues when he was busy with work.
Besides, he told Arthur he was busy with work, so he might as well make that statement come true. Taking out his laptop, he made himself comfortable on the sofa in front of the chimney, placing it on his lap.
Good thing that he had a bunch of work to finish anyway. Unread documents piled up incredibly fast in the duration of the last couple of months. Wasn’t that just wonderful?
It seemed that his boss had just recently sent him new ones to read and respond to. He stared at the messages with resignation, before opening the first file. Truly wonderful.
A knock pierced through Alfred’s room. He was too absorbed in listening to an audiofile to notice.
On the other side of the door stood Matthew, waiting for Alfred to let him in. He was met with nothing but dead silence and guessed that Alfred must be sleeping, considering why he left and all.
So he tried his best to open the door as quietly as possible.
Inside was Alfred, very much awake. In fact, he seemed to be focused on something rather important on his laptop. Matthew wore an unreadable expression as he walked up to his brother, all the while Alfred remained completely unaware of his presence.
Even with Matthew standing right beside Alfred, he was too lost in thought to acknowledge him. That left him no other choice but to reach out and-
“Ohmyfuckinggod!” Alfred shrieked, his hand landing on his ribcage in shock.
Matthew startled too, the loud reaction catching him off guard.
Alfred’s tension seemed to ease once he realized it was just him, as if it had never been there.
“Matt, you scared the living shit out of me,” he joked, laughing at himself.
It was Matthew’s turn to chuckle, though he was still slightly confused about what Alfred was doing. Hadn't Arthur said he left because he was overworking himself? He found himself wanting to ask him about it, but ultimately decided against it.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to,” he responded awkwardly, holding up Alfred’s things, “you asked me to bring you this.”
Alfred’s eyes lit up when he saw his briefcase, standing up and taking it from Matthew’s grasp.
"Thanks a bunch, dude,” he said, then decided to add as an afterthought, “Hope it wasn’t too much trouble.”
“Of course not,” Matthew stated.
Silence spread between them as Alfred checked the insides of his briefcase to make sure everything was still where it was supposed to be, while that gnawing feeling in Matthew’s gut returned. It made him painfully aware of the elephant in the room, though Alfred seemed blissfully unaware of it.
“I’m gonna leave now,” he announced, because if he stayed even a moment longer, he might reignite his brother’s sour mood from before.
Alfred stopped him in his tracks, however. “Wait, hold on a second,” he started, reaching out and touching his shoulder. “You and the others are still up for going to that place later, right?”
Matthew’s eyes widened at that, feeling as though Alfred was messing with him. Surely he couldn’t be that oblivious.
“Yeah. The plans haven’t changed as far as I know,” he affirmed, avoiding eye contact.
“Sweet.” Alfred grinned. “I’ll see you later then?”
“What makes you think you can come?” The words left his lips before he could stop himself. And God, he hadn’t meant for them to sound that harsh.
Alfred almost recoiled from Matthew’s words, his smile vanishing in an instant.
“Excuse me?” he asked after a beat. Not in a million years would he have expected Matthew to speak to him that way. His brows knit together and he looked deeply offended.
“No, I-” Matthew began, but took another moment to collect his thoughts. This was bad.
“I didn’t mean that- Well, you could say that in a way I did… But listen to me,” he demanded once he saw how each word only further agitated Alfred.
“You left the meeting because you didn’t feel well,” his voice softened with concern. “That’s why I don’t think it would be a good idea to join us. From the looks of it you haven’t rested yet. I’m only looking out for you. I don’t want you feeling uncomfortable once you’re under people again.”
“Honestly, man, don’t even try telling me such a bullshit excuse,” Alfred shot back, rolling his eyes.
He waved his hand dismissively in the air. “Just leave. I promise not to disturb your guys’ get-together,” he muttered bitterly, turning away from Matthew and sitting down in front of his laptop again.
“Al…” he sighed, feeling guilty, even if he knew Alfred was being unreasonable. There were no words that could salvage this situation, so he chose to remain silent and do as he was told.
Alfred didn’t even spare him a glance as Matthew walked out, leaving him alone.
Once Matthew was gone, he allowed himself to look at the now-closed door. His gaze was filled with anger, but also something else. Something that had been building up within him for a long while now: desolation.
Everything felt too conflicting to Alfred. He chewed on his nail as he sat on the sofa.
He desperately needed to numb his senses with liquor. Now that his plans with Matthew and the others had fallen through, he would have to get drunk alone. In hindsight, though, that was probably for the best.
Alfred pondered it for a second before standing up. He already had a few bars in mind he could head to.
Going alone also meant he could let the night take him in whatever direction he liked.
Who knows, maybe he would find himself an attractive Russian woman to spend the night with. A pleasant way to get rid of all his pent-up frustration.
For the night, at least.
The thought managed to get him excited. He had to look irresistible if he wanted to sway anyone tonight. He did technically bring a few clothes that accentuate his build quite nicely.
Before he did anything too hasty, however, Alfred decided to take a quick shower and freshen himself up a bit. It was going to be a long night, after all.
Alfred hummed to himself as he leisurely sipped his fourth whiskey. The bar he picked was, to put it simply, perfect.
There were enough people around to catch his eye without the place feeling overcrowded. Even the music was surprisingly catchy.
The only problem, however, was the sweat slowly gathering on his forehead. He regretted wearing a black turtleneck sweater.
Usually, he wouldn’t even consider putting something like this on, hating how it felt around his neck.
But as long as the chicks dug his fit, suffering through the damn thing was a price he was more than willing to pay.
Luckily, his efforts weren’t fruitless.
A few seats away sat a woman who seemed to be eyeing him like he was a piece of candy. She herself wasn’t half bad either… wavy, blond hair and cute, brown doe eyes.
It was a rather innocent appearance for someone whose gaze radiated such obvious sexual intent. Alfred made eye contact with her before flashing her a confident grin.
She giggled at his antics and stood up with her drink in hand. Stopping beside him, she asked, “Как тебя зовут, Красавчик?” (What’s your name, handsome?)
Despite being unsure whether his pronunciation was still decent, Alfred decided to answer her in Russian, “Почему вы хотите это знать?” (Why do you wanna know that?)
Alfred gulped down the remainder of his drink as she chuckled and sat down next to him, the tip of her index finger tracing circles along the rim of her glass.
“Your Russian is not good. You must be American,” she stated matter-of-factly.
Okay, it seemed that he was more rusty than he thought. Alfred playfully put his hands up in the air.
“Damn, you got me,” he admitted with a laugh. “But I really hope that’s not a deal breaker.”
“Maybe in some cases, but you look like a nice exception,” she replied, scooting closer and bringing her face nearer to his.
He could smell her perfume now and it was sickeningly sweet. Quickly diverting his gaze from the woman, Alfred signaled the bartender for another shot.
Because even though she was indescribably attractive, he realized that he needed to be way more wasted to actually go through with his plan.
His consciousness knew this was an awful idea.
They drifted off into pointless small-talk, while Alfred downed one, then two, then three, and finally four more drinks before deciding his head felt fuzzy enough.
“Uh, are you doing okay? You have been drinking… a lot,” she commented while watching him gulp down his current drink. Her tone conveyed worry, and her expression showed a waning interest in him.
Alfred noticed and wasted no time to reassure her.
“Naw, don’tcha worry ’bout me, baby. I can handle my liquor. It just takes a lot for me to feel something, y’know?” he slurred, snaking a hand gently around her waist, which caused her cheeks to redden lightly. That seemed to win her over again.
“I see…” she began, trailing off but clearly wanting to say more. Alfred beat her to it.
“Hey… what d’you say we take this to, I dunno, your place?” he suggested.
Her eyes widened and her blush deepened. If anything, she seemed to be taken aback, his rash proposal coming out of nowhere.
“W-wow uhm… I don’t know- I- uh, do not even know your na-”
Before she could finish her sentence, Alfred was roughly pulled away by his shoulder.
It happened so suddenly that he couldn’t even comprehend what was happening. He heard his date shouting something in Russian as he was dragged away. Next thing he knew, he was standing outside, the shift in temperature hitting his flushed face, his body going rigid.
“The fuck, man?” Alfred yelled, trying not to slip on the icy sidewalk. He turned around to face whoever had dared to intervene in his flirtation.
This stranger was a lot more familiar than he expected. It was Ivan. Why did it have to be fucking Ivan again?
Despite wearing a smile on his face, it was obvious that he was pissed beyond belief.
This was going to end ugly.
“You have some nerve showing your disgusting face to the public after leaving the meeting,” he stated, bringing Alfred’s face closer to his with a tight grip.
“And now I happen to catch you trying to pursue one of my people? You must be out of your mind,“ he spit.
Alfred stayed silent because he was too intoxicated to fully process what was happening.
He couldn’t help but gulp when his mind finally caught up with what was happening, which Ivan interpreted as intimidation.
“What, you are going to keep quiet again?” he asked disappointed, as if he wanted Alfred to talk back to him. Weird.
“I am aware you are too prideful to apologize, but you do not even try to defend yourself. Perhaps you finally realized why everyone chooses to stay away from you,” Ivan continued and Alfred’s patience finally ran out.
His face contorted into fury as he shoved Ivan away.
“Fucking God, why’re you still acting like you’re any better than me, huh?” he emphasized. “'Sides, why d’you and everyone else always criticize a part of me I can’t control? It’s like all of you forget we got no fucking influence over what our governments do!”
“You say you have no influence over your government,” Ivan countered after a few beats of silence, his eyes narrowing, “yet you never complained when others credited you for its achievements. You welcomed the praise, but now that its decisions have given way to criticism, you insist the two of you are separate.”
These words left Alfred speechless, not only because his head felt dizzy from yelling so much earlier, but also because Ivan had a point.
Alfred needed to get away from the conversation and made a move to head back inside, but Ivan caught him by the arm.
“I will not let you get any more drunk than you already are. As the host, it is my duty to bring you back to the hotel. Stay here. I am going to get your jacket,” he explained, surprisingly calm.
Alfred was too drunk to question it. He merely leaned against the wall and waited. His eyes followed Ivan as he went inside the bar and left shortly after again, holding his jacket.
After draping it over Alfred’s shoulders, Ivan started leading him back toward the hotel. The sudden change of heart would have confused Alfred if he had been sober. He wasn’t, so he simply followed Ivan without question, feeling completely drained.
“I was proud of my government in the past,” Alfred spoke up after a few minutes of silence.
“America, please, just-”
“What they did aligned with my principles,” Alfred cut in, “not always. Not every time. But… often enough.”
He stopped walking.
When Ivan noticed, he halted as well and glanced back over his shoulder. Alfred’s gaze had dropped to the ground, and there was something uncharacteristically vulnerable about him.
Ivan found the sight deeply unsettling. He had seen many sides of Alfred. This one, however, he was unfamiliar with.
“I…” Alfred swallowed, “if this is how lonely you’ve been all this time… Then I’m sorry, Ivan. I really am.”
For a moment, Ivan wondered whether he had misheard him.
He knew Alfred was drunk, but this apology surpassed even tonight’s levels of unpredictability. It was so sincere.
Not knowing how to respond—and not wanting to respond—he chose to change the subject.
“Come,” he said instead, turning away, “let us keep going. It is too cold for you to remain outside much longer.”
Before Alfred knew it, he was back in his hotel room and Ivan was gone. He couldn’t remember a second of the walk back.
Not that he cared.
The day had been exhausting. All Alfred wanted was for it to be over.
He slipped out of his clothes and lay down on the bed, sleep claiming him almost immediately.