Chapter Text
When the first yellow sunflower petals fell from his throat after a coughing fit, the first thing he thought was that it was a rare case of hanahaki in someone not in love; to him, it made more sense than being in love.
If someone told him he was in love with Nirei Akihiko, he would vehemently deny it. Of course, he preferred being by Nirei's side, but that didn't mean anything. It was easy to talk to Akihiko, hence his preference for him.
His concern about him getting home safely also meant nothing more than friendship; he was also worried about the other students at Furin, so it wasn't strange.
He didn't yearn for moments alone with others like he did with Nirei, but that wasn't love, it was just… care. Nirei was someone he wanted to take care of.
Suo stood in front of his bathroom mirror, his eyes brimming with tears as the cough continued. Anguished and tormented, the flowers fell from his mouth with the sensation of vomiting, leaving his throat with an uncomfortable burning sensation. The feeling seemed worse now that they were no longer petals, but rather yellow sunflowers, overflowing with joy, even in their disarray, as if they were laughing in his face.
Maybe they were, maybe he deserved to be laughed at for his foolishness, for his delay in finally discovering who had captured his heart without him noticing.
When he woke up that day, it wasn't at his usual time; he woke up later than he should have. The first thing he thought wasn't that he wouldn't be able to do his morning meditation, or that he would be late for class, but that he would miss his walk to school with Nirei.
He hurried out of the house, fearing he would miss the subway, noticing along the way to Makochi that he had forgotten not only his scarf, but also his cell phone. His lamentations were forgotten as soon as he noticed that Nirei, instead of going to school alone, waited for him.
Suo thought he could get through the rest of the day fine, but as soon as night fell and he was no longer protected by the heater in Kotoha's shop, he finally noticed how much he missed his fluffy scarf.
A few orange leaves flew along with the gust of wind. Suo shivered, holding his icy hands together and blowing warm air. "Do you like autumn, Nire-kun?" It had been a few minutes since they said goodbye to Tsugeura and Kiryu, and this was the first time Suo had spoken without being in response to something.
Nirei nodded before looking at him. "Suo-san, did you forget your scarf?"
"Uh-huh, I woke up very late today and was afraid of being late." He smiled. "I don't feel cold because of the Chinese demon in my eye, so don't worry about me." He said, pointing to his eyepatch. Nirei looked at him in disbelief.
"You're shivering like a puppy, of course you're cold."
“Ahah, Nire-kun is quite observant.” He chuckled. “I’m fine, you don’t need to worry about me.”
“But you might catch a cold…”
“My Nire-kun should worry about himself, you get sick more easily than I do. Don’t you remember that rain we got caught in? You got sick so quickly.”
Suo noticed Nirei’s flushed cheeks, probably because of the cold. He stopped in his tracks, Hayato stopped right in front of him, surprised by his sudden stop. Nirei took off his yellow scarf, wrapping it around Suo’s neck. “Nire-kun, what are you do-”
“We’re closer to my house than yours, please wear this for the rest of the way. I don’t want you to get sick.” He interrupted, smiling as he wrapped the scarf around him.
“Nire-kun…” Suo felt his cheeks flush, he wanted to believe it was because of the cold and not because of the boy in front of him.
“You’re always the one who worries about me and takes care of me, even more so when it gets cold, but I’ve noticed that you get cold more easily,” he said, taking Suo’s hand and rubbing it lightly to spread the warmth. “So, let me worry about you and take care of you whenever it gets cold… or when you’re careless.” He gave a smile so big that his eyes ended up closing in the process.
Suo felt his heart beat faster, because of Nirei? Because of the cold? He wasn’t sure.
He let go of his hand and Suo, unable to contain himself, held his hand, he didn’t want to stop feeling that warmth, he didn’t want to stop feeling the touch of his Nirei.
Hayato noticed his surprised expression, he gave a slight embarrassed cough when he finally realized what he had done, letting go of Nirei’s hand and slightly lifting the scarf to hide his face a little more.
“Thank you, Nire-kun.” He spoke, feeling the scent of wet grass permeate his nostrils. Was that Nirei's scent?
Akihiko smiled proudly, his cheeks still slightly flushed.
"Uh, I was thinking about our training," he said, picking up his notebook and opening it, flipping through a few pages.
"Is it too hard for you?"
"No! It's fine, I just—" A cough interrupted Nirei's speech, who quickly glanced at Suo beside him.
His eyes welled up as the cough continued. The air in his lungs seemed minimal, he couldn't breathe properly, his whole body burned. Suo patted his chest, squeezing his legs as they faltered, Nirei held him, preventing him from hitting the ground. "Suo-san!?"
His vision blurred, he held the scarf against his mouth. He didn't feel it going down his throat, but rather a complete flower, preventing him from breathing.
"S-suo-san!?" Nirei looked around. "There's a shop over there, let's go!" He tried to lead Suo, but was stopped by his hand on his shoulder, a tear falling from his eye.
"No…" he said, his voice muffled. He looked at Nirei, seeing his wide eyes. "I'm fine… it's okay, it was just a coughing fit." I tried to comfort him, gently squeezing his shoulder.
"I'll get you some water, sit down, Suo-san." Nirei helped him sit near the wall, running to the convenience store across the street.
He watched Nirei's figure enter the store and moved the scarf away from his mouth, managing to see the disintegrated sunflower. Suo narrowed his eyes, picking up the flower with his hand, he took a deep breath, trying to regulate his uneven breathing.
This couldn't be real.
Happiness, loyalty. I couldn't believe it hadn't been noticed sooner, it was so obvious.
Suo put his hand to his face, his vision slightly blurred by the tear in his eye. He opened the flower in his hand, tearing it apart.
"Suo-san!" He nodded when he heard Nirei call him from a distance, Suo put the messy flower in his jacket pocket. "Here," he handed him a bottle of water. "How are you?"
Hayato looked at him. Nirei's eyes were full of worry. He hated seeing that expression on him, hated seeing him so worried that it looked like he was crying. "I'm fine," he said, taking the bottle from the blond's hand, their fingers touching for less than a second. He took a sip.
"You can sleep at my house if you want."
"No need," he replied immediately. "But thank you, Nire-kun."
Nirei lowered his shoulders, extending his hand to Suo, who took it after a few seconds of hesitation. "Are you sure you're okay?"
He nodded. "I think a fly got in my mouth" he lied, letting go of Nirei's hand. "But if I end up getting sick from the cold, will Nire-kun come take care of me?"
"Of course I would!" Nirei said, adjusting Suo's scarf. "I would make you soup."
Suo tried to ignore the blond's gesture. "I won't accept, I'm on a diet, you know that."
"Huh? You would eat it! You can't go without eating, especially when you're sick."
"Nire-kun would force me to eat? Aaah, how mean..."
"Me?! Mean?!"
After revisiting that moment so many times, he finally understood. He wanted to know how his body realized before him that his love for Nirei was one-sided; he knew he could never be loved by someone like Akihiko, he just wanted to understand how the illness discovered this before he did.
Suo slipped out of the bathroom, feeling exhaustion invade his body. He walked to the small floor table, sat down and laid his head on it while looking at the freshly washed scarf, hanging and dry. It was 1:20 am and he couldn't close his eyes because of the damn cough, whenever he tried to sleep, his mind bubbled with a million thoughts and the sunflowers returned.
He hated that with all his might.
He didn't hate Nirei, he could never hate Nirei, but he felt angry at himself.
Nirei was the sun, he could make the mornings, afternoons, and nights warmer and hotter just by existing, it was easy to fall in love with him, but why did he have to fall in love?
Sakura, Kiryu, even Tsuge would be the best. They all deserved a love like Akihiko's and would surely be reciprocated, but not him.
He didn't deserve to fall in love with Nirei Akihiko.
The cell phone next to his head vibrated, he picked up the small device, seeing messages from Nirei. For a moment he didn't want to answer; he was tired, weak, and consumed by self-loathing even more than on ordinary nights, but he hated even more leaving Nirei worried and anxious.
contact name: Nire-kun 💛
received:
did you arrive safely?
received:
I’m worried
received:
rest and take medicine if you feel unwell
received:
hope you’re sleeping and warm
received:
good night, Suo-san (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶)
sent:
Sorry, Nire-kun.
sent:
My heater is doing a good job, and you?
sent:
Are you warm?
received:
Suo-san!!
received:
yeaah!! My pajamas are warm and I’m under the covers.
received:
I thought you were sleeping
sent:
I’m glad ^^
received:
It’s late
received:
what are you doing awake?
sent:
I can ask you the same question…
received:
∘ ∘ ∘ ( °ヮ° )
sent:
:P
sent:
sleep well, Nire-kun.
received:
Sleep well too ♡⸜(˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)⸝♡
Suo was going to die.
He was sure of it.
Unlike the other day, he woke up on time, even though he had barely slept. His attempt to mediate was interrupted several times by coughing, before he finally gave up and left the house and went to the subway, Nirei's yellow scarf in his bag while around his neck was a white-beige one that was kept in his closet. When he arrived at Makochi, he walked to the point where he met Nirei, and it wasn't long before he saw the blond boy coming towards him with a smile on his lips.
He caught his breath before looking at Suo and stopping smiling. "Still coughing? You look tired."
Hayato raised his eyebrows slightly before giving his usual smile. "I didn't sleep well, that's all."
"We can skip training today, so you can go home earlier, you need to rest well."
Suo shook his head. “It’s alright, one of the moments I look forward to most is when I train you, Nire-kun, it’s rewarding to see how you improve every day.”
“You think so?” he scratched the back of his neck, his face slightly flushed. “B-but I don’t want you to overexert yourself, you seem very tired, so let’s eat… or in your case, have tea after school and you can go straight home.”
“But… your training.”
“Suo-san, you have to be well to train me in the best way.”
“Nire-kun, you’re persistent. Promise me you’ll come with me, I don’t want to go home alone.” Nirei smiled, nodding quickly. “Ah, your scarf.” He took the scarf out of his bag, handing it to Nirei. “I washed it properly.”
“Thank you, Suo-san.” He held the scarf, starting to walk beside Suo. “By the way, what’s your favorite color? You know mine, but I don’t think I’ve ever asked yours.”
Hayato paused to think for a few seconds. He had never really thought about it. Of course, he loved red and yellow things, but he had never considered either of them his favorite. “Guess.”
Nirei watched him, taking out his notebook and reading something that Suo recognized as the page about him, but he couldn’t understand what was written. “Red? Maybe blue…” he murmured while analyzing it. “Yellow!?” He smiled as he asked.
Suo felt his heart skip a beat. He smiled and nodded. “You’re very observant. How did you know? Did you read my mind?”
“Hehe, not at all!” He blushed with embarrassment while maintaining a big smile. “It was just luck.” He looked at the scarf. “Then keep the scarf. It’s yellow. It’s a gift for you.” Nirei handed it back to Suo.
“I can’t accept it.” His eyes widened when he heard Nirei nodding.
“Of course you can. Consider this a small thank you for training me. I won’t take no for an answer.”
Suo sighed defeatedly, taking the scarf back. “Thank you, Nire-kun.”
Nirei started talking about something, and Suo tried to stop himself from coughing when he noticed his throat itching. He gave a pained smile as he tried to suppress the urge to vomit.
After classes ended, Suo, unlike Nirei, already had everything packed away. “See you later.” He waved to Kiryu, Sakura, and Tsuge, who were sitting together.
“Are you going home so soon, Suo-chan?” Kiryu asked, supporting his head with both hands.
“Aren’t you going to eat with us?” Tsuge asked.
“Are you sick?” Sakura commented, raising one eyebrow.
“I’m very sick, Sakura-kun… I didn’t want to say anything so as not to worry you.”
“Really?!” Sakura's eyes widened as she quickly stood up from her chair.
"Yes, but don't worry, Sakura-kun, idiots don't get sick, so you'll be fine."
Sakura threw her backpack at Suo, who quickly dodged.
"How rude, Suo-chan." Kiryu said, letting out a light laugh.
"Suo-san!! Don't joke about things like that!" Nirei warned him.
Suo smiled playfully. "Sorry, sorry, it's very easy to mess with Sakura-kun, he believes everything."
"You idiot!" Sakura tried to hit him, but Nirei stopped her.
"Calm down, calm down!"
He laughed, but a slight cough blocked his laughter, drawing the attention of the four boys in front of him. Suo covered his mouth. "I need to go to the bathroom now. See you at the exit, Nire-kun."
Hayato went to the school bathroom, holding back his cough until he finally arrived. The flower, instead of falling, tore his throat completely, drops of blood began to fall, even though there was no sign of the flower. He felt his eye water as the burning sensation began in his lung, until it spread throughout his body.
He coughed, but the flower remained stuck in his throat, in response he pounded his chest with his fist, trying to breathe.
When the flower finally fell from his mouth, he noticed that it was no longer a sunflower, it was a withered white rose, with sharp thorns. He picked up the flower in his hand. The disease progressed faster than he expected. He really thought he would have more time. His body trembled and his legs weakened, causing Suo to fall to his knees.
He hated himself.
His eyes filled with tears.
A noise was heard, but he couldn't understand it; the beating of his heart was louder than any other sound in the room.
He felt a hand on his shoulder pulling him back to reality. Nirei Akihiko's warm brown eyes were the first thing he saw.
"Suo-san?!" His eyes were wide and teary, worried as he gripped Hayato's shoulders tightly, "W... what happened?!" He wiped the blood that was running down his mouth. Before Nirei could grab his phone, Suo stopped him, grabbing his arm.
"No. I... I'm fine." He smiled, his eyes watering as blood still dripped from the corner of his mouth.
Nirei held Suo tightly. "How can you be okay?! Suo-san, you're bleeding!" he yelled, feeling his shoulders tense. Suo had a coughing fit, Nirei loosened his grip. “Suo-san, you need to go—” he stopped as soon as he noticed what was in his hand, a crumpled rose. “No… Suo-san…”
“There’s nothing to be done, Nire-kun.” he tried to comfort him, bringing his hand to Akihiko’s face.
“But… but…” a tear fell from Nirei’s eyes. “There’s surgery!”
“No.” he replied.
“The surgery will keep you alive—”
“Nire-kun.”
“I’ll help you pay if you need to.”
“Akihiko.” Nirei stopped. “No. I don’t want to forget.” he was smiling tremulously. “I read about this surgery, but one of the side effects is that I’ll forget who I love now, I don’t want that. I don’t want to forget.”
“You’d rather die than forget?”
“I don’t… I don’t know, I just don’t… want to forget.”
“I… Suo-san…” he clutched Suo’s clothes, tears now rolling down his face, “I can’t lose you, there’s no one worth more than you.” he said, his voice trembling, and Suo’s eyes widened. “I know I’m being selfish for asking this, but please, forget about that person.” He leaned into Hayato’s chest as his body trembled. “I can’t lose you. I simply can’t.”
“Nire-kun…”
“Regardless of who that person is! Even if that person is Sakura-san or Kiryu-san, I don’t care, you can’t die, there are no memories worth more than your life!” He spoke louder, biting his lip and loosening his grip. “I’m sorry… I…” Nirei looked at Suo with teary eyes and a trembling mouth.
Suo opened his mouth, wanting to say something but not knowing what, so he just wiped away the tears that were falling down Nirei's face, his other hand going to his face. He saw Akihiko's wet face and the way he was hurt.
Hayato shouldn't follow his impulses, he shouldn't do that, not now, but he needed to. He pulled Nirei's face against his, sealing their lips. The metallic taste mingled in their mouths, but he didn't care, he needed to make it clear that it wasn't Sakura, it wasn't Kiryu, it wasn't anyone else but him.
As soon as their lips parted, he looked at Nirei who had a tearful expression, the freckles on his nose more apparent because of the redness on his face. A weak smile appeared on his lips: "I love you, Nire-kun," he murmured, his vision blurring. "Even if I die, I don't want to forget you." He felt his body grow weaker.
Something came out of Nirei's mouth, but Suo didn't understand it; all that reached his ears was a loud, unbearable buzzing. His body collapsed.
He wanted to understand what Nirei was saying, but he couldn't.
He tried to stay awake, but he couldn't.
He tried to apologize, but nothing came out of his mouth.
Her only response was a single tear that fell from her eye before her consciousness faded.