Chapter Text
When Nathan agreed to film club, it wasn't because he had camera skills or because he liked movies. No, it was because his best friend had begged him to join.
There Julian had been standing at his door with that usual dorky but excited grin. "Please, Nate? Come on, you haven't joined any extra activities since chess club in like... 6th grade!" His smile dimmed slightly, worried that he was being pushy, and instead he looked down at his Converse awkwardly, lowering his voice slightly "I mean, it'd be nice to be a part of something, and it feels like you've been out of your element, y'know?"
Despite the fact he tried to hide it, Nathan really did have sort of a soft spot for Julian, and quite often that resulted in him agreeing to things he'd otherwise never do. Nate figured he'd owed him anyway, for sticking around this long.
What Nathan had failed to mention though was why he had been 'out of his element', what had been causing the bags under his eyes and the lack of enthusiasm. The memories had come back.
Nathan had always been smart, too smart almost. He knew things that he shouldn't have known when he was younger. He never knew how or why he just... already knew things.
Teachers called him gifted, doctors called it early development, but when he started having outbursts, his parents stopped talking about how lucky they'd gotten.
And the dreams? Oh god the dreams, they were unbearable, and they had only gone away once Julian and him became friends. But now they were back again, even worse than before, and it was safe to say the last thing Nathan wanted to do was go to film club with a bunch of random people.
Nathan laid in bed, his head pounding and his room spinning as he opened his eyes, his ears still ringing with the suggestion of voices that sounded familiar, but he had never heard before. Visions of a life far behind, but no doubt his own. Just not his.
"Fuck, not again" he mumbled, his voice pained. This had obviously not been the first time this week. Luckily he made it to the bathroom in time before he threw up, just water thankfully, but that didn't make it much better. He sat on the tile for a while, looking up at the ceiling and trying to grasp onto the fading lines of faces, wanting something, anything to make sense, to soothe the mystery that had been plaguing him all his life. But of course, no such luck.
He stood after a while splashing water on his face, running his hands through his hair furiously, so angry, so tired, just... done. Done with the dreams, done with things being just out of reach, done with this.
Nathan glanced up at his reflection and sighed, realizing he was being immature again. He looked at the exhaustion in his face, and realized it was no use getting worked up over this, it never did anything, but even then it didn't fix things to be calm either. He needed a distraction.
Nathan grabbed his keys after downing a black coffee and headed out the door. Maybe film club wouldn't be that bad.
____________________________
Julian had sat awkwardly by himself at a table in a classroom he had never been in before, a physics class by the looks of the posters on the wall, but for now, it was only occupied by him and a few other equally confused students around him. Maybe going early wasn't the best choice.
Julian had never been a social butterfly, quite the opposite actually, but it was junior year, he needed to do something before he graduated, and maybe this would help with acting. Nathan had said he had the looks for it after all, so he told himself that's what he wanted to get into after school, but then again, he had no experience besides being a background character in theater in freshman year and the worse case of stage fright possible, so if he was being honest with himself, it was just a cover up carrier. Julian had no idea what he wanted to be when he was older, and he was running out of time to make up his mind.
Just as he was about to consider leaving and calling this off, a girl about his age walked in with a camera, a tote bag and about five of her friends who quickly sat down at an open table whilst a middle aged teacher with a sweet smile followed closely behind her.
The girl got up to the front of the table and had a hushed conversation with the teacher before finally getting up in front of the class to announce something. "Hey guys sorry I'm late. Welcome to film club! I'm Natalie, AKA film president, and this is our wonderful teacher lead Ms. Miller!" She directed a hand towards the teacher who then smiled and gave the class a polite wave as she sat down at her computer.
Natalie breathed, obviously just having come from the stairs and surveyed the class quickly with a slightly disappointed look as she tucked her black and blue hair behind her ear. "Huh, this is kinda less than I was expecting" she turned back to her friends who shrugged and went back to something on their phones.
She sighed and turned back to what totaled to be only 5 other people in the room "Hey don't you have friends to invite here or something?" She asked in a half joking manner looking between Julian and the rest of them. There was an awkward silence in the room for a minute before a boy in the back finally spoke up.
"My friends were supposed to join but they ditched ‘last minute." He didn't sound too happy about it.
Natalie raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, and what's your name?"
"Uh, Issac?"
"Alright 'uh Issac', you showed up and seem ready to go so I guess that's good enough."
Julian couldn't help but breathe out a soft huff of amusement. This girl was definitely a character.
He quickly regretted his amusement though when she turned to him. "What about you, blondie? Where's your friends?" She smirked, obviously getting some amusement out of the surprised look on his face. He opened his mouth to make an excuse, say something about how his best friend Nate was coming, he just has a bad tendency to be late, but part of him felt like he wasn't going to show up at all. So he just shut his mouth and gave her a stupid shrug.
Natalie was mid eye roll when, to Julian's surprise, Nathan showed up, looking like shit, but still there, messing with an old camera in his hand that Julian had never seen before and a look on his face that said 'I'd rather be anywhere but here right now.' Nate stopped at the door, finally looking up to see half of the class's eyes on him.
"Hi?" He said underwhelmingly then slowly took a seat beside Julian, looking between him and the girl crossing her arms in front of him "Nice of you to join us..."
"Nathan, the names Nathan"
"Right... Well, all of you should get acquainted. This is pretty open ended, make whatever films you want, sky is the limit. ‘Only thing is that films are due at the end of the semester and we watch all of them and bring in popcorn!" She smiled and clapped her hands and took a step back towards her table. "Today we’re just going to watch some films from past years and maybe start to form your groups if you want to do a multi person film."
Natalie went behind the desk to help Ms. Miller pull up some old videos and in the meantime, Julian turned to Nathan. His voice whispered but slightly frustrated. "Where were you?" He sighed and realized the look on his face.
Nathan still busied himself with the camera, but Julian could see the exhaustion in his face and recognized it almost immediately. "Sorry... dreams again?" Nathan nodded slowly in response his face plain, indifferent.
Julian wanted to tell him that he didn't have to come and he would've understood, but he also knew that Nathan hated it when he got babied, so instead he just sighed and watched as Natalie brought up videos, past student films. There was horror, comedy, fantasy, all poorly done high school skits, but nothing horrible.
Julian tried to focus on what was being projected, but his mind was more fixated on Nathan, watching him mess with this ancient looking piece of technology trying to delete old pictures on it to free up some space. Even now Nathan wanted to try and seem interested in this for him, at least he was trying. Natalie ended up sticking with her friends, making some speech about how film members help each other out if they need extra characters, but once groups were formed they mostly stuck to themselves, and to no one's surprise, it was just him and Nathan again.
"What do you want to make your film about?" Nathan asked him before Julian got the chance to ask if he was alright.
Their eyes finally met and Nathan looked tired, but he managed a small smile as Julian looked back at him. "I... I don't know." Julian admitted, Looking back down at the camera as he realized he should've been brainstorming instead of zoning out while those films were playing.
Nathan held out the camera for Julian to look at as they both sat there. "Where'd you get this?" Julian asked, holding up the camera to take a stupid photo of Nathan, testing how it worked. Nathan rolled his eyes at the act, but didn't seem to care all that much.
"From dad, you know how he is with his tech... keeps the boxes, leaves the plastic film on them, hoards them even if they're outdated beyond use." Nathan rambled, watching Julian mess with photo editing, seeing what the piece of junk could do. "Figured it could use some sun," he said with a shrug.
Julian hummed, still out of ideas for a potential film. He felt bad for dragging Nathan into this, but at the same time, he really did need to do something besides stay at home all the time, get out and do something besides make trouble in their small town out away from the rest of the city. "Maybe you need some sun." Julian teased, observing how pale Nathan was and he got an unamused look in response.
Julian chuckled slightly, but his mind seemed elsewhere. Nathan checked his watch, humming to himself. "Club ends soon... maybe we could do some brainstorming out of class?"
Julian nodded, handing the camera back to Nathan and grabbed his things. Issac and a few others had left already, likely not coming back, but Natalie didn't seem to mind.
____________________________
"First day of school already! Aw my little man is all grown up."
Nathan's mom spoke, pinching his cheek gently with a fond but slightly sad look in her eyes. "You sure you're feeling better? Dr. Jordan said you should take it easy." A five year old Nathan stood before her, giving her a silent nod. He wasn't exactly excited given he hated others his age, but at least he'd get out of the house, that's all he really wanted.
Nathan immediately regretted that thought the moment he stepped in that goddamn kindergarten classroom.
Name tags, the smell of hand sanitizer, and about 20 other kids his age. Some were crying, refusing to leave their parents, others were talking loudly, stumbling over their words, doing stupid kid things. He hated it to death already.
Once the lesson had started, he quickly realized he was not supposed to be here. "Let's go over some classroom rules. Keep our hands to ourselves, ask to use the bathroom, and be respectful to me and your classmates. Can anyone tell me what respectful means?"
shut up he said to her in his head shut up just everyone shut up.
It wasn't long before he found himself in the principals office for telling the teacher to stop 'treating the kids like they're stupid' and from then on, he almost never spoke in class again.
It was a living hell struggling to understand why the other kids were so dumb, why they had to stand in lines and have assigned seats---why they couldn't read.
He was always angry at school, always. Most of the time he finished his assignments early and just read books, ones that already felt familiar to him, and in seeing this all the other kids left him alone. All except one.
A blond haired boy with shy blue eyes sat next to him during 'morning meeting' one day. He didn't say anything, just watching Nathan, obviously trying to make out what the letters on the cover of his book said to no avail. Nathan glanced between the pages and this random boy, his gaze skeptical. Still though, the boy did not speak, just quiet, yet still imploring him.
"What do you want?"
The boy jumped, obviously not having heard Nathan's voice very often. "Uh... I- what are you reading?" he asked hesitantly, his voice slightly scared but soft and not as agitating as the screaming he was used to from the other kids.
Nathan raised an eyebrow at him, obviously confused as to why someone was talking to him, but he responded. He just didn't like kids, he wasn't evil. "Harry Potter." Nathan looked down at his book again, then back at the blue eyed kid in front of him. "Good story, bad author." Was all he said in explanation before going back to reading.
"Why don't you talk to the other kids?"
Nathan ignored him. He took the hint. And that was better than anyone else had done. Maybe this kid wasn't that bad.
____________________________
“Is it recording?”
“Yeah, we're rolling.”
“I'm Nathan, this is my best friend Julian, and this is our audition for America's Got Talent”
Julian gave Nathan a surprised look but couldn't help but laugh, giving him a light shove as he reached to reset the recording. “Dude, we can't start with that.”
“You got any better ideas? We've been at this for like an hour, I'm sick of it!” Nathan flopped back onto the old couch in Julian's living room, letting out an exaggerated grumble, sprawling his limbs out tiredly against the leather.
Julian sighed for what felt like the tenth time that day. “What if we do a comedy? Those are the easiest.”
Nathan turned to him again “yeah if you're funny.”
“I'm funny!”
Nathan huffed and rolled over again, and Julian pouted. It was quiet in the room for a while before Julian finally gave up on the film for now and instead opted to sit down on the couch beside where Nate was lounging. “Fine, we can give it a break…” Julian said defeatedly before looking down at Nathan with a mixture of amusement, worry, and maybe a tinge of guilt.
“Sorry for dragging you into this, I just thought I'd be fun…” He looked off for a little bit before eventually nudging Nathan's side gently. “So…” he pretended not to be interested, suddenly finding Nathan's Twister themed socks interesting. Did he actually own a normal pair of socks? “Do you wanna talk about your dream?”
Nathan could tell Julian was trying to be casual about it, but he knew that he was worried. “Im fine, Julie. Just… same thing as always.” Nathan rolled over again, propping his head up on the end of the couch to look at Julian, his face less joking now. “The church, that girl and feeling like I fucked up, bad, real bad.”
“Hmm.” Julian hummed, looking down at his hands, wishing he could help more than just asking what Nathan was thinking about.
“Don't worry about it, man, really.” Nathan added, staring back at the ceiling, his mind still dwelled on it as always, but he didn't seem to be in the mood to talk about it right now. “Its been the same for years, nothing I can do about it.”
“I know, it's just I feel like there's something more to it, something you're not telling me.” Julian didn't mean to make his voice sound accusing, but he was worried that it did.
For a second Julian thought Nathan was going to tell him off for not believing him, for being nosey, or something like that, but instead Nathan closed his eyes and ran his hand through his dark curls, his hair just barely falling over the rims of his glasses. “Maybe… yeah.” Nathan said, hesitation clear in his voice but also something sort of like resignation.
“Can I tell you something, and can you promise you won't think I've absolutely lost it?”
“Um, yeah? I guarantee I've heard you say crazier shit sleep deprived.”
“I think…” Nathan stopped, sat up and looked around one last time to make sure they really were home alone before turning back to Julian. “I think something got fucked up, with the- with time or whatever. It's like I had a past life or something, and it keeps trying to come back to me but can't. Like I'm not supposed to remember it, but I do.”
Julian gave him a concerned look. “Real funny, jackass.”
“I'm being serious, Julie!” Nathan said back his grey eyes flickering to Julian's with a surprising intensity. “Every time I wake up from one of those damn dreams I feel nauseous, like I've been spun around a billion times and thrown about a space shuttle. I don't think normal dreams are meant to do that.”
Julian just stared at him with confusion. He knew Nathan wasn't crazy, in fact he was probably the smartest guy he knew, but at the same time, this was… far fetched to say the least.
Nathan must have seen the look on his face because he continued, but this time trying to get him to see his point of view. “Do you ever get daja-vu? But like real bad to the point you can't breathe?” He paused, realizing that maybe it wasn't a relatable feeling. “Its just that I'm not a genius or anything despite what the teachers think. I like to pretend I am, but I'm not,” he admitted.
“What are you talking about? I've seen you win chess tournaments, write college level papers, and- and I don't know! You're probably the smartest in our grade, valedictorian or whatever.”
Nathan shook his head, looking down at the fabric of his jeans. “No, it's just because it feels like I've done it all before. Like I've already been to college, feels like I've been playing chess since before I was born… like I've got memories that aren't mine somehow, memories that are distant but familiar, like I've just taken someone else's.”
Julian looked between Nathan, and the camera on the coffee table, before slowly reaching over to touch the back of his hand to Nathan's forehead silently. It was cold, but Nathan didn't seem to appreciate that very much.
“I don't have a fever. I'm telling you the truth, okay? Please, believe me.” Nathan pushed Julian's hand away, but his gaze was strong. He was serious about this, and probably experienced the same thing he was going through before they became friends. Julian took a deep breath, obviously still skeptical, but even if he didn't entirely believe it, he didn't want to upset Nathan so he just nodded slowly.
“Okay… okay.” he swallowed down his words of disbelief. “If you're so serious about this, then why are they back? Why did the dreams disappear, but come back now?”
“I don't know, that's what's bugging me.
____________________________
By the time Nathan had entered second grade, he got the routine down. Act normal until the teachers saw his test scores, then finally stopped pretending.
He didn't like pretending in the first place. He didn't want to move up a grade or focus on his talents. Nathan just wanted to be a normal kid, doing normal kid things, but no matter how hard he tried, he didn't seem to fit, and it made him frustrated.
Not much had changed since kindergarten. Same feeling of isolation, finishing his assignments and being left with too much time on his hands, but most interestingly, the blond haired boy that wouldn't leave him alone. His name was Julian apparently, and despite the other kids trying to avoid him, this one seemed to not mind how weird he was.
“Uh, hi Nate.” Said a seven year old Julian as he sat down in the dirt beside Nathan under the shade of a tree, a respectable distance away. He had learned by now Nathan liked his space. “Whats it this time?”
Nathan had begrudgingly gotten used to the nickname, and when Julian sat down next to him at recess, he knew he wasn't going to get much reading done. “1984,” he showed Julian the cover. “I've been getting more into classics, and since I liked Fahrenheit 451 I figured I'd like this one too.”
“Do you?”
“Eh, it's alright, just a bit tricky to understand.”
Julian just sort of tilted his head at Nathan as if taking a quiet note of the fact Nathan was not in fact a know it all, he did get confused just as everyone else, it's just nothing here quite challenged him. The sun was pleasantly warm this afternoon, and Julian found himself plucking grass as he sat beside Nathan, seemingly nervous about something.
Nathan looked up from his book for a moment to watch the boy in front of him. Over the past few years, he had grown somewhat tolerant of him, used to his presence at least, familiar with his behavior. He was tempted to ask what was on his mind, but decided to let him tell him on his own.
“I was wondering if you'd like to… um… come over to my house, for my birthday, next Tuesday?” He didn't look up from the grass as he said it, as if he was anticipating the rejection before it came, but still he tried to sweeten the deal. “Dad is gonna order pizza and we can watch a movie and stuff.” His words were rushed now, looking between Nathan and something in his pocket. Slowly and with slightly shaky hands Julian handed Nathan a cheesy birthday invitation that someone had obviously put a lot of thought into making.
It was light blue with pictures of balloons and presents and the words ‘Come celebrate Julian's 8th birthday!’ With other details like an address and phone number. It was made to be mass printed, but something about how the corners were barely crumpled told Nathan that Julian likely hadn't gotten the chance to hand out many.
Nathan looked between the card and Julian for a moment. He hated birthdays, especially kids' birthdays, but more than his hatred for birthdays was a desire to be normal, to have friends, so hesitantly, he nodded. “Yeah, I'll go.”
“What?”
“I'll go. What do you want for your birthday?”
Julian couldn't hide the surprise on his face, but quickly the surprise turned to excitement. “You don't have to get me anything, showing up is enough.” he beamed at Nathan, clearly happy that he was going, but after Nathan's agreement, he went into an excited spiel if what to expect. “Uh, the cake is chocolate by the way, so mom told me to ask about allergies. Also, I should probably mention that my mom is deaf, I'm a CODA.” Julian looked as if he was about to explain, but Nathan jumped in before he had the chance to.
“Child of deaf adult? Yeah, I know.” Nathan looked between Julian, the card, and his book for a moment before setting down both of them and using his hands to ask ‘ASL you know? I know very little, but chat with your mom I will.’
Julian's face instantly lit up like a kid on Christmas, obviously glad he got to skip the explanations, and even more glad to know what was probably the only other kids in the building that knew sign language. ‘Yes! You learn where?’
‘I forgot.’
‘What?’
Nathan seemed frustrated, as if he was just as confused as Julian, but also having known this confusion, it was painfully familiar to him. “I don't remember where I learned it,” he clarified, obviously leaving something out, but knowing well by now that he'd be called crazy if he talked about his memories. “I guess I picked it up in passing?”
Julian obviously did not buy it. For being so smart, that was the excuse he went with? Whatever, he didn't care how he knew sign language, it would just be nice to have a friend that could talk to his mom instead of thinking she was weird.
_____
Saying that Nathan's parents were shocked to find out about his desire to attend a birthday party would be an understatement. He mentioned it in passing and quietly pinned the invitation up on the fridge and continued his usual afternoon routine, but secretly his mother and father were rejoicing. Nathan didn't really make friends, and his parents had begun to worry for him, but following his explanation of ‘his friend Julian’ they began to rekindle their hope for his social life.
Despite Julian's strong resistance to the idea of gifts, Nathan still believed that some type of present was in order, and in turn he sat quietly in the car that following Tuesday with a medium sized box in his lap covered in colorful paper.
Internally, Nathan was nervous. He was stoic but not immune to stress even over things as simple as this. He had never been to a birthday party before, how was he supposed to act? Was his attire appropriate? Would Julian like his gift?
“Hey, scout, Whatcha thinking about?” His dad spoke from the driver's seat, glancing into the rear view mirror to watch as Nathan looked down at the box he was holding. “You excited?”
He remained quiet for a brief moment before responding. “Yeah.”
“I'm proud of you for doing this, y'know? Glad to see you're finally making friends.”
“Yeah.”
Nathan finally looked up from the box and out the window as the car began to slow down and they pulled into an unfamiliar driveway with balloons on the mailbox. They had arrived just a bit late as per their family's bad habit, and yet it was still relatively deserted besides a man on the porch whom Nathan assumed was Julian's dad. Nathan, cracked his knuckles and bit his lip, a subtle nervous give away.
Mark parked the car, and when his son hesitated to step out, he breathed out a quiet, knowing sigh. “Want me to walk ya up there?”
Nathan nodded quietly before finally pulling the handle and stepping out of the car with about as much grace you'd expect from a socially awkward kid. His dad waved him along, and Nathan cautiously followed behind. It didn't take long for Julian to run out of the house, still pulling his second shoe on as he stumbled out the door. His father laughed at the sight, and Mark gave Nathan a small thumbs up before walking over to Julian's dad to introduce himself.
Nathan just stood and watched Julian rush over, a huge gap-toothed grin on his face. They just stood there quietly for a moment, Julian breathing heavy and Nathan fidgeting awkwardly. “Um, happy birthday.” Nathan stood looking slightly confused as to what he should be doing, just watching the way Julian's blond hair seemed to glow gold in the October sun. He slowly extended the confetti colored box towards him, watching his reaction closely. “Thanks. You wanna go say hi to mom?”
“Yeah, okay.”
Julian took a quick stop to place the gift on the porch table then quickly invited Nathan inside to see his mom who was apparently baking Julian's cake. Nathan took his shoes off at the door, and Julian walked into the kitchen, flipping the light switch a few times to get his mother's attention.
The birthday boy quickly went into an excited conversation with the presumably 30 year old woman in front of him. Nathan struggled to catch signs because of the speed and how out of practice he was, but he did manage to pick up things like ‘best friend’, ‘cake’, ‘birthday’, and his name finger spelled.
Nathan signed a shy, ‘hi, nice to meet you, what's your name’ and the woman's face quickly shifted to something of excitement and endearment. She seemed to notice his slight confusion, and slowed down so he could understand. He learned that her name was Cathy, her name sign, and most importantly, that she was so happy Julian had finally made some friends.
Apparently Nathan wasn't the only one that struggled with that.
Eventually they made their way back outside, and Nathan watched their father's conversation while Julian went on about some cartoon he was into. They sat on the sidewalk, drawing with chalk and Nathan went back and forth between nodding along to his friend and eavesdropping on his dad.
“Yeah, we're going to move closer to that area soon actually. It would be nice to get a change of scenery, I think a bigger yard would be good for him and it's supposed to be further out from the school. Find a place to settle instead of renting---it would be nice.” Julian's dad seemed excited about this idea, but Nathan didn't seem to like that. He didn't want his only friend to move right as he got acquainted, couldn't he have anything?
“Nate?” Julian had seemed to realize that Nathan hadn't been paying attention for a while now.
“Huh, sorry.”
Julian looked between Nathan and the other conversation occurring and realization found its way on his face. “We're not leaving the school district if that's what you're worried about. Dad says it's just going to be more out in the country.”
Nathan nodded, but he was actually listening this time. Julian looked at him funny for a moment, almost like he was reading his mind, or at least trying to. “I don't think anyone else is coming.” He mumbled after a brief pause, directing his gaze to his drawing as he spoke. “I don't think the other kids like me very much, you're the only one that doesn't call me weird.”
Now it was Nathan's turn to look at Julian funny. He hadn't really paid it mind, but now that it had been brought up, he didn't recall Julian talking to anyone willingly besides him. “Why?”
“I don't know”
“Does that make you sad?”
“A little bit.” He hummed to the beat of some song playing in the background on the porch somewhere, probably some Kids-Bob knock off. The wind blew peacefully across Nathan's face, and for once he took the time to dwell in the moment instead of allowing his mind to wander elsewhere.
When Julian spoke again, it sounded indifferent as if he accepted something. “You probably think I'm weird too, don't you?”
Nathan had long since stopped drawing, instead just observing Julian, studying him like a textbook. He knew to some degree that staring was rude, but he found it hard to understand someone just by the tone of their voice.
He shrugged indifferently after a little bit. “Yeah.” He didn't seem to think it was an insult.
Julian looked at him, puzzled. “Then why do you hang out with me?”
“You're not loud.” He explained as if it was obvious. “Or dirty… and you're not painfully stupid.” Nathan had a tendency to be blunt, but at least it was clear he was not lying about how he felt about Julian “infact I think you are smart to some degree.” He looked back down at the chalk, between his poorly scribbled flower and Julian's surprisingly talented drawing of a birthday cake. “Just a different kind of smart. I think you are weird, but I find interest in weird people.” Nathan looked back up at the curious blue eyes staring at him. “I know that I'm weird too, so it's fine, the other kids don't like me either.”
Julian knew that Nathan didn't complement people at all really, so his words were no doubt foreign, but surprisingly nice. “I don't mind that you're weird. I like it.” He paused then gave Nathan a small smile. “You're the good kind of weird.”
____________________________
Just a week after school started again, Julian had already grown tired of the monotony of his classes. Sure he liked routine, but he also got bored very easily. He completed his assignments as soon as possible thanks to Nathan's urging, but now he was left with nothing to do, and he was bored of just scrolling and playing video games all day.
Julian: bored
Julian: can we go n do somethin?
Julian: nate
Julian: wyd?
Nathan: Trying to sleep?
Nathan: What do you want to do? I doubt I'm gonna be able to get back 2 sleep now
Julian just stared at Nathan's text for a while. He knew that Nate barely got any sleep at all so he felt bad for waking him up, but at the same time he was bored out of his mind, and was known for doing stupid shit whenever he had nothing else to keep him busy. He sat there for a while trying to think of something he wanted to do, but he and Nathan had practically done everything at this point, he just sort of wanted to be next to Nathan if he was being honest.
Julian: how down are you to do something dumb?
Nathan: Depends
Julian: i got bleach, red hair dye, and a clear schedule
Nathan: You want me 2 dye your hair???
Julian: and yours
Julian: come over in 10?
Julian was left on read. He rolled his eyes, of course. Nathan wasn't a very good texter, but then again neither was Julian. Julian just assumed that Nathan was getting ready to come over or else he would have said something like ‘Fuck you I'm going to sleep’. Julian just peeled himself from his bed and went downstairs into the main bathroom to survey the dye he had bought the other day in a state that may or may not have been half asleep.
It had maybe been five minutes of Julian squinting at a directions sheet big enough to swaddle a baby before Nathan showed up. He did his signature knock on the door before unlocking the front door with the key he had been given from Julian's father, Joel. Nathan and Julian had been practically next door neighbors after he moved in 3rd grade, so by now it was expected that they just randomly showed up at each other's house sometimes.
Julian stepped out of the bathroom to greet Nathan, instructions still in hand. Nathan took his shoes off at the door and stuffed his phone in his pocket as he stepped inside. Finally did blue eyes meet something besides paper when Julian saw Nathan standing in the doorway.
His hair was messy, his grey eyes had bags around him, and he had obviously not even bothered to change his appearance at all when we left the house still in his pj's and an old band tee.
Julian gave him an unimpressed look. “Wow, don't you look nice.” His tone was sarcastic, but there was a small smile on his face.
Nathan merely flipped him off and ran a hand through his hair, not caring about his appearance whatsoever despite his usual tight knit look when it came to going out in public. “Im not gonna wear my good clothes just to get dye on them.” He stated, stuffing his hands in his pockets looking between the boy in front of him, and the paper he was holding. “Plus, it's not like you're much better. Nice shirt, looks awfully familiar.”
It was in fact Nathan's shirt that Julian was wearing, but neither of them seemed to care all that much, they were the same size anyway so who cares, right? “You left it over here, and this thing is worn to shit anyway, didn't think you'd mind.”
Nathan signed, looking around for a moment, seemingly reaching for an excuse not to do this. He personally didn't mind the idea of dying his hair, but knowing Julian, he knew that he'd probably regret it. “Where are your parents, man? They're gonna witness this disaster?”
Julian rolled his eyes. “Date night remember? It's Saturday.” Nathan looked unconvinced, but he knew it was true, he just didn't want to accept it. “Right, I forgot your parents actually do that kinda thing… Still, you really don't think they'd mind?”
Julian shrugged and started off towards the bathroom, expecting Nathan to follow. “It's temporary, lasts 4 washes, it says.” Nathan followed behind Julian, trying to hide his slight interest, but then again, Julian always seemed to see right through him. “It can't be too difficult, I mean I got an expert with me don't I?” spoke the blond as he continued to turn the paper every which way as if holding the instructions upside-down would help him grasp how this was supposed to work. He was obviously doing it for show.
“That was a phase, I'm anything but an expert.” Nathan looked away and cracked his knuckles, always getting brutal cringe whenever he thought about the edgy phase he went through in 7th grade where his hair was fried beyond saving because he'd dye it every month. Luckily though, he recovered from that and his hair was perfectly healthy now, but maybe just a bit overgrown, getting in his eyes sometimes and sticking to his neck.
Julian's hair on the other hand was perfect, at least in Nathan's opinion. Soft looking, and with a color that matched his appearance perfectly, Nathan almost felt like it was his duty to talk him out of this. “Why do you even want to dye your hair anyway? I… I like it just the way it is.”
Julian gave him an annoyed look as if he had heard that many times before and was tired of the repetition. “Just wanted to switch things up, you know the feeling.”
“I guess.”
Julian began taking other things out of the box, he seemed to be looking at bleach first, surveying the contents and trying to connect the dots on what to do with them. Nathan sat down on the edge of the bathtub watching cautiously as Julian rummaged through the materials. “You don't need bleach you know.”
Julian glared at Nathan again. “No shit Sherlock, I have eyes you know. This is for you.” Julian huffed, tossing the empty box at Nathan's head pretending to be annoyed, but it was clear he was amused by his best friend as per usual, struggling not to chuckle as the cardboard bounced off Nathan's head.
“Ow! Damn, what was that for? Someone's in a mood today. Is it that time of the month?” Nathan tossed the box back at Julian as he continued to rearrange the supplies cluelessly, but Nathan couldn't help a small smile. “And who says I wanna bleach my hair, huh? I think I learned my lesson before.”
Julian eventually just gave up and merely handed the items to Nathan with an expectant look like he was expecting his gaze alone to will Nathan into following through with what was likely a horrible idea. “Relax, I don't want you to bleach your whole head, just maybe a stripe so we could match to some degree.” Julian pulled up his phone, deciding a YouTube tutorial would probably be a better idea. “Plus, I kinda liked you with red ghost roots before, maybe I just wanna bring it back.”
Nathan looked unconvinced and slightly more confused than before. He could tell Julian was avoiding his skeptical look by scrolling through his phone. “Why do you wanna match so badly?” He asked, not opposed to the idea, just wondering if he meant something by it. “Also I'm gonna need a plastic bowl and spoon for this and definitely some gloves.”
Julian just shrugged. He didn't really have much of a reason as to why they should match, he just wanted to because he was running out of ideas concerning what he should do when nothing else interesting was going on. “Donno, just bored. I'll go get a bowl for you.” He left shortly after and Nathan just sat in the bathroom wondering how he ended up in this situation right now. Briefly he wondered what others would think of Julian's new look, but then he decided it actually couldn't turn out that bad. Julian could pull off damn near anything, and Nathan knew that. Still though, he wasn't very fond of Julian getting negative attention, so internally he hoped this dye really was temporary.
Nathan went into the kitchen to grab a yogurt bowl out of the plethora of assorted cleaned and resused food containers in his cabinet and a plastic spoon before returning to the bathroom shortly after and handed it to Nathan. “There should be gloves with the kit I think”
Nathan just nodded and put them on and began to mix up the bleach solution according to what it said on the box, coughing occasionally from the fumes until it was into a paste of correct consistency. He seemed to be knowing what he was doing already, but made sure to remain careful.
“So uh, what part do you want me to dye?” He asked while stirring up the light blue mixture.
“Um, I honestly did not think this through.” Julian stepped forward, ignoring the look on Nathan's face that said ‘are you kidding me?’
“Can I…”
“Yeah it's fine.”
The reluctance was evident in Nathan's behavior, cracking his knuckles again, but there were no pops this time, just a discreet excuse to fidget. Julian reached out to take a medium sized portion of Nathan's hair, in the front where it would be clearly seen, totaling about a sixth of the hair on his head. Not too crazy, but not unnoticeable. Julian took a moment to appreciate the softness of Nathan's curls, secretly wanting to mess with his hair a little bit more, but he knew Nathan wasn't a big fan of physical contact, and that would probably be a weird thing for a best friend to do, so he refrained and instead focused on making a clean part. “Is this good?”
“Uh yeah, are you going to the same?” Nathan looked back up at Julian as he carefully started applying the bleach to the part Julian had suggested, figuring a little bit of spontaneity in this moment would do him good, merely glad to have something like this to get his mind off of the memories coming back recently.
Julian thought for a moment glancing over to the mirror above the sink as if trying to imagine himself with red in his hair. “Hm, do you think just doing the tips would look stupid?”
“Nah, that'd be sick, and if you don't like it, all you need to do is a trim to remove the color, so it works out.” Nathan reasoned logically, setting the bowl of bleach aside as he waited for it to process. It was quiet for another prolonged moment, Julian just stared at himself in the mirror, and Nathan watched him with intrigue.
“Uh, this just needs 20 minutes.”
“Okay, sounds good.”
…
“Have you thought of any ideas for our film yet?” Nathan finally asked, trying to think of something to talk about even when they had talked about it all at this point.
Julian began smiling again and he lifted himself up to sit on the sink as he talked, his legs swinging just slightly. “Well, you're going to have to stick with me on this one ‘cuz its out there”
“I'm listening.”
“We film a fantasy…”
“Okay…?”
“And we bring back our cosplays from the ren fair and from D&D.”
“Dude.”
“Come on!” Julian exclaimed, obviously having been feeling nostalgic with how much he was trying to bring back things from their middle school days. “It would be fun! I know you wanna dress up, I can see it in your eyes.”
“You sound totally insane.” Nathan returned, his voice dismissive. He did sort of miss their one on one D&D sessions and especially the ren fair were he could talk to other undercover geeks, but he remembered what Natalie said about watching the films at the end of the semester, and he wasn't sure if he wanted him willingly being a dork caught on tape. “It just sounds like you are going out of your way to get bullied at this point.”
Julian brushed him off, he couldn't care less at this point. He had been outcast all his life even when he'd tried to be normal, so this year he told himself that he was actually going to embrace his weirdness if he was going to get dirty looks either way, and he was trying to encourage Nathan to do the same. “Who cares? I know you wouldn't let too much shit get said about me. I'm just getting tired of pretending.”
Nathan went from joking to a mixture of confusion and slight concern. Nathan had always been good at reading Julian, but he had been having trouble recently. “What do you mean pretending?” His voice was patient, but a bit more serious as before, he raised an eyebrow at Julian's words, hoping it was less upsetting than it sounded.
Julian looked down at his socks, unsure how to put his thoughts into words. “It's just… I dunno school has been boring as hell recently and I haven't gotten a lot of free time to do things, but I wanna make this year memorable because you're only a junior once or whatever but it feels like nothing's interesting anymore.”
Nathan nodded in that typical way he does when he's trying to absorb information. He wasn't really good at comforting people, always trying to offer solutions right away, but over time he'd learned that most people just wanted someone to listen. “So that's why you've been trying all these new things?” Nathan already knew that's what the answer was, but he just asked to let Julian know he had been paying attention.
“Yeah, sorta.” Julian looked over his shoulder at his reflection again, then back at the floor, contemplating something. “Nate? Do you ever think about like… getting a girlfriend?”
Nathan looked a bit surprised by his question, but judging by the hesitation in his voice he knew that Julian wasn't just messing around this time. Despite being best friends for almost 12 years now, they almost never talked about relationships. Nathan had just never been really interested in it, so Julian kinda figured it was something he should avoid talking about. But now, it felt as thought there was nothing else to talk about, and had always sort of been on Julian's mind.
Nathan sat there quietly for a while, putting some thought into the question at least before eventually he just shrugged. “I don't really know, man.” He said, taking off one of his gloves to adjust his glasses, resting his elbows on his legs. “If I'm being honest, having a girlfriend seems like a whole lot of work and energy that I don't think I'd be up for.” He seemed a bit disappointed, but honest. He knew he had his own issues and didn't really have the time to be someone to depend on especially because of his avoidant nature.
“Sometimes I think about it though, I can't lie, it's just… I don't think I'd want that all the time, I'm only in the mood for romance like… every other month. I think I'd go crazy trying to do it every day.”
Julian looked bemused by Nathan's answer. He was partially convinced that Nathan didn't want to date anyone at all, and while his suspicions were essentially confirmed, it still surprised him to hear that Nathan did like romance, even if extremely rarely. “Yeah, that-... that actually makes sense for you.” Was what he decided on saying before hopping off the sink and deciding to sit beside Nathan instead.
Nathan gave him a small smile, with a mixture of amusement and pensive thought. “What about you, there, Julie? Planning on ditching me anytime soon?” Nathan's words were merely a joke, an attempt at lighting the mood.
Julian shook his head quickly “No, I'd never take a girl over you, man. You'll always be my number one, it's just sometimes it would be nice to… I dunno do shit like this with.”
Nathan's puzzled look must have been obvious because Julian took note of it and decided to phrase it differently. “Like having habung a girl that wants to get matching hair or go out to restaurants and have a nice dinner, go to ren fairs and do dumbshit on the weekends... but also make out sometimes and get her flowers and stupid gifts for her, y'know? I just want the things that we do just… more, and not in a gay way you know?”
Nathan just silently raised an eyebrow at Julian, and his freckled cheeks turned slightly red in response realizing how weird this conversation had gotten and why he usually avoided this topic.
“That's not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean?”
“I just- … I wish you were a girl.”
…
How the fuck was Nathan supposed to respond to that?
Genuinely what was he supposed to say because even if he knew Julian was straight, that felt like a damn attack to his sense of reading him because he had been way off the mark apparently. He wondered if the tips of his ears were as red as they felt.
He didn't like his best friend, he just was caught off guard was all. Nathan opened his mouth to say something, to possibly ask if he was sure he wasn't gay because that was hella weird, but before he could find the words Julian was already changing the subject. “I think that bleach is about ready to come out. You don't wanna leave it on too long.”
Nathan wanted to redirect the conversation, but he figured it was best to leave it, he knew it was probably just another one of his stupid jokes. “Yeah you're probably right.”
Julian watched as Nathan stood and stretched internally thankful that he didn't question whatever he just said. God he was so stupid, he was going to be beating himself up over that for weeks. He didn't mean it in that way, he just said stupid things when he was out of his comfort zone, and right now was an exemplary time to demonstrate how he weirded out most people.
Nathan turned on the sink, leaning over just a bit to wash out the excess solution. Since it was only a small part of his hair, he didn't really deem it necessary to use the shower, and he was sort of too lazy to do that anyway. After just using water to get rid of the bleach, he grabbed a nearby towel to dry the section, running his hands through his hair a few times before turning to Julian, giving him a look that said ‘thoughts?’
Julian nodded quickly. He liked it, really liked it. Secretly he was glad to get the slightly more edgy version of Nathan back. He didn't even have the red in his hair yet and he already looked much cooler than before. Julian watched as Nathan fixed his hair in the mirror and so desperately wanted to reach out and feel it for himself, but he decided that he had pushed his luck enough today and remained quiet, still scolding himself internally for what he said moments prior.
“Alright blondie, ready for the dye?”
Julian took a deep breath and stood up, clearing his head and getting back in the game, nodding then picking up the collection of small jars of Manic Panic in ‘rock n roll red’ “says dont use on freshly bleached hair.”
Nathan looked like he'd heard that maybe 5 times and hadn't listened to it once. “Eh, whatever, I'll live.” He put his gloves back on and twisted off the cap quickly and placed a glob of it in his hair with little to no hesitation whatsoever. Julian looked mortified, Nathan looked indifferent. “What??”
“Dude you're gonna make your hair fall out!"
“This was your idea in the first place”
“You putting a quarter of the container in your hair immediately after washing the bleach out was not a part of my idea.”
Nathan rolled his eyes at Julian as always and just made sure that all of the lightly colored hair was covered before turning to Julian and smiling. “Your turn, you big baby.” He chuckled while holding out his now red gloves in Julian's face. “Having second thoughts?”
Julian gave Nathan an exasperated look. “No, fuck off.” He looked at Nathan, then back at the hair dye on the sink counter, picking it up and taking a cautious smell of the mixture. Not bad but definitely strong. “Uh, can I have your gloves?”
“Right, ‘fuck off’ then right into asking me for something, what great manners you have.” Still, Nathan took them off and put them on Julian's hands instead, doing the best to minimize how much dye he got on his skin as possible. “So, do you need help or…”
“No, I got it.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
Nathan watched Julian ever so carefully put dye on the very ends of his hair, a stark contrast to the rushed and messy way he did his own hair. Nathan thought it an amusing reflection of their characters, but decided not to comment on it. Instead, he picked up one of the other containers of dye and read how long it was supposed to sit for. “When you're done I'll set a 40 minute timer, okay?”
“Kay.”
Nathan sat down on the floor acting as though standing for more than 5 minutes physically hurt him, but really, he was just tired. He got out his phone and just scrolled, giving Julian space to do his own thing while Nathan played Lithium Radio from his phone, humming along to songs they had known since they were little.
Julian had made good work with the front of his head, but eventually, he needed to read the back where he couldn't see at all. He just kind of stood there for a while trying to find a work around that didn't involve asking for help, but he gave up on that pretty quickly when we realized that was basically the whole point he invited Nathan over in the first place because he had done this before.
“Yo, could I get a little help here?”
Nathan looked up from his phone and quickly realized what he meant. Nathan stuffed his phone back in the pocket of his pants and held his hands out for the gloves and looked over what Julian had done so far, and did his best to try and replicate it. He was much more careful with Julian's hair than he was with his own, not wanting to ruin the look he was going for. “Is this good?”
Julian nearly nodded before quickly realizing he was a dumbass, and instead just gave Nathan a quiet “Yeah.” Julian felt relieved that Nathan was doing his hair instead of just having to do it himself through guess work. The way it felt was definitely not something to complain about either.
Truth was, Julian was clingy, but he hated admitting it, so he's basically hidden it all his life. Nathan on the other hand was quite the opposite. He avoided contact like the plague, but he just had other ways of showing his affection. Essentially, it was rare for things like this to happen, so Julian tried to enjoy it while it lasted whilst Nathan remained mostly clueless, simply wondering how this was gonna look after he washed it.
It didn't take long for Nathan to finish doing Julian's hair. He set a 40 minute timer and spent most of the wait time playing a very heated game of Mario Party Super Stars with Julian. In short, they ended up getting distracted and when Nathan washed the dye out, his hair looked like the embodiment of Cherry Cola as the once parted red section faded back into the deep black of the rest of hair. Nathan was laying in Julian's bed when he left the shower. Julian had brought clothes in the bathroom with him, so there was no need for awkwardness when he stepped out fully dressed.
Nathan was reading some book on his phone when Julian stepped out, so he quickly went from completely stoic to pleasantly stunned when he looked over Julian's hair. He had to blink a good few times before he could think straight. “Damn, hot stuff, I didn't know you had it in ya.” Nathan said, only partially joking, smirking slightly, but the immediate self induced cringe was visible on his face.
Julian snorted at the immediate regret in Nathan's face after a failed attempt at a compliment, flopping down into bed beside him and watching him shift over to make room. “Maybe it's good that you don't have a girlfriend, that was disappointing.”
Nathan was unphased by his teasing, used to both those types of jokes by now, and it was just a part of their banter, but Julian was right, Nathan had never been good at compliments. “Yeah yeah whatever.” He just huffed and picked his phone back up to continue reading, running a hand through his now black and red hair.
Julian just sat and watched him for a moment, looking over Nathan's shoulder to see what he was reading and figuring out it was some type of sci-fi novel. Julian wondered how much of Nathan's good looks were wasted because he was a total nerd. Honestly though, he didn't mind it. He could just say geeky shit to his best friend and not have to worry about competing with some girl. He wondered if Nathan thought the same about him.
“For the record though, I do like your hair. I think it turned out nice.” He rested his head on his arm giving Nathan a dorky but sincere smile.
Nathan tried to play it cool, but Julian knew he was holding back a smile too. “Yeah whatever, asshole” Nathan's words were in jest, and he reached out to ruffle Julian's hair in a brotherly manner to respond to his comment, the gesture familiar and welcome despite Julian's feigned disgruntled look.
“Just don't get too confident. You're one more sleepless night away from calling yourself batman and saying that no one understands you” Julian did what could only be described as an emo accent over the words ‘no one understands.’ He found it hilarious to compare Nathan to bad boy stereotypes just to watch the way it made him cringe.
“Oh god don't even say that.” Nathan said through the disgusted look on his face. “Genuinely if I start saying shit like that, it's your duty as my best friend to smack the shit outa me.”
“You don't need to tell me twice.”
“Fuck off.”
“You know you love me.”
“Yeah whatever just let me get back to this chapter.”