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I couldn't believe that I was finally in high school. All I felt was excitement because of the new environment I was about to enter. Ayos lang naman sigurong hindi kabahan, hindi ba? Wala naman sigurong mangyayaring masama. High school should be simple.
Iyan lamang ang nasa isip ni Win habang naghahanda para sa panibagong yugto ng buhay na haharapin niya. High school na siya. Hindi na siya 'yong batang mahilig maglaro.
"Teh, bilisan mo! Malalate na tayo!" sigaw ni Kwan habang hinihila ako papunta sa school gate.
"Nandito na nga!" natatawa kong sagot habang inaayos ang necktie ko.
Life was simple back then.
I was a regular high school student who worried more about quizzes than love. My days revolved around my friends, assignments, and surviving our strict teachers.
Love wasn't even on my list of priorities. It was never one of my priorities, especially in high school.
Until he came.
"Tara doon tayo sa playground. Papakilala kita kina Jeong at sa iba kong friends," wika ni Kwan.
Si Kwan ang pinsan ko at dito na talaga siya nag-aaral simula elementary. Ngayon lang naman ako nag-private school. Hindi naman kami mahirap, pero hindi rin kami mayaman. Siguro, sapat lang.
"Uy! Kyeooommm!" sigaw ni Kwan habang papalapit kami sa mga kaibigan niya.
"Uy, Kwan! Hello, Win," bati ni Kyeom sa amin.
Si Kyeom ay kaklase namin ngayon, at si Kwan rin ang dahilan kung bakit kami nagkakilala. Ngumiti lamang ako dahil nahihiya ako sa mga kasama nila.
"Si Win nga pala, pinsan ko," pagpapakilala ni Kwan sa akin.
Maliit lamang akong ngumiti at nag-hi sa kanila.
"Hello! Ako si Jeong. Tapos ito naman ang best friend ko na si Ely. Ito naman si Miguel, friend din namin pero kaklase siya ni Ely. Hindi kami magkakaklase. Tapos for sure kilala mo na si Kyeom na sobrang ingay," mahabang sambit ni Jeong.
Napatawa ako sa paraan ng pagpapakilala niya. Mukha namang sanay na ang lahat sa pagiging madaldal niya.
"Grabe ka naman!" reklamo ni Kyeom habang natatawa rin.
At doon nagsimula ang lahat.
_________________________________________________________________________
Months passed, at mas naging close kami nina Kyeom, Jeong, Ely, at Miguel. Si Kwan naman ay unti-unting napalayo sa amin dahil nagkaroon din siya ng sarili niyang circle of friends.
We mostly went out together and ate lunch together. We really became a solid friend group. But there was someone who kept bugging me—Miguel. We had indeed become close. We talked about everything that interested us. Well, we were friends after all, kaya siguro ganoon. That's what I thought at first.
"Sumama ka na mamaya sa overnight, ah," pangungulit nina Kwan at Miguel.
Ang kulit talaga nila. Alam naman nila na strict ang family ko when it comes to these kinds of things. Sana nga payagan ako.
"Oo nga, basta kayo ang magpapaalam para sa akin," sambit ko habang natatawa.
Mahirap magpaalam sa bahay kapag ikaw ang nag-iisang anak at apo sa pamilya. They were really protective of me. Kaya nga hindi ko priority ang magkagusto sa kahit sino ngayon.
Not until the overnight happened.
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"Isa pa! Ikutin mo ulit!" Sigaw ni Kyeom.
Halos mabingi na ako sa ingay ng mga kaibigan ko habang nakaupo kami sa sala ni Jeong.
Past midnight na, pero gising na gising pa rin ang lahat. The bottle continued spinning.
Then it happened.
Unti-unting bumagal ang bote.
Then...
"AYOOWWWNNN!" sigaw nila Jeong. Halos mabasag ang bubong sa lakas ng mga boses nila.
"Truth or dare?" tanong ni Kyeom kay Miguel.
"Sagutin mo 'to nang maayos, Guel. Tatamaan ka sa akin," pagbabanta ni Kyeom sa best friend niya.
Nabanggit ko na ba na mag-best friend sila? Mag-best friend sila kasi pareho sila ng ugali.
"Truth," buong lakas-loob na sagot ni Miguel habang nakatingin sa akin.
"OKKKAAAYYY! TRUTH DAW!" sambit ni Ely habang pumapalakpak.
"Sino ang crush mo?" seryosong tanong ni Kyeom kay Miguel.
Tahimik siya sandali. Nag-iisip at tila tinitimbang kung dapat ba niyang sabihin.
Then he looked at me.
Diretso.
Hindi 'yong tingin na parang biro.
Hindi rin 'yong tingin na ginagamit niya kapag nang-aasar.
Kundi seryoso.
Nakakakaba.
Then he smiled.
"Si Win."
Sambit ni Miguel. May bigat at laman ang paraan ng pagbigkas niya sa pangalan ko.
Biglang nagsigawan ang lahat, ngunit wala akong marinig dahil natulala ako.
"Huh?" takang tanong ko.
"Matagal na."
Parang huminto ang mundo ko noon.
Tama ba 'yon?
Tama naman ang pagkakarinig ko.
Hindi ko alam kung saan ako titingin.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin.
At lalong hindi ko alam na doon magsisimula ang lahat.
_________________________________________________________________________
After that night, Miguel became impossible to ignore.
Every morning, may message siya. Kapag dumarating ako sa school, pinupuntahan niya ako sa classroom namin. He still kept bugging me just like before, but this time, it was different. There was a clear intention behind it. It was as if he wanted to take our closeness to another level.
We still bonded as a group, pero syempre, minsan may sarili rin kaming mundo. It was okay. We were okay.
Until my birthday came.
"May gusto sana akong sabihin sa'yo," sambit ni Miguel.
"Ano? Happy birthday na naman? Kanina mo pa 'yan sinasabi. Nang-aasar ka na lang, e," natatawa kong sabi sa kanya.
He didn't say anything for a second, kaya kinabahan ako. Bigla siyang sumeryoso, dahilan para mapatigil ako sa pag-ugoy ng duyan sa playground ng school namin.
"Pwede ba kitang ligawan?" seryosong tanong niya.
Natahimik ako.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang isasagot ko sa kanya.
Masyado bang mabilis?
We met when I was in 7th grade while he was in 8th grade. The Spin the Bottle confession happened during our vacation. And now that I was already in 8th grade, hindi ba mabilis?
Kaya ko ba?
Pwede na ba akong magmahal?
"Migs..." mahinang sabi ko.
Ngumiti siya, pero 'yong ngiti na hindi umabot sa mga mata niya.
Kinakabahan siya.
Sobrang dami niyang inipong lakas ng loob para lang itanong ang bagay na iyon.
Ayokong paasahin siya. Alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi ko pa kaya. Hindi pa puwede, lalo na dahil sa mga magulang ko.
"Miguel, hindi pa ako ready..." Hindi ko siya matingnan nang diretso.
Tahimik kaming pareho pagkatapos kong banggitin ang mga katagang iyon.
Tumango siya at tumingin sa akin.
Ngumiti siya, pero alam kong nasaktan siya.
"Okay," sambit niya.
Tumayo siya mula sa duyan at humarap sa akin.
"Hihintayin kita, Win," nakangiti niyang sinabi.
At doon ako nagsimulang matakot.
Hindi dahil sa kanya.
Kundi dahil baka balang araw, mapagod siyang maghintay.
_________________________________________________________________________
Hours, days, months, and years passed by like the wind.
Miguel was now graduating from high school and moving to a new school since he was about to enter senior high school.
"Congrats!" nakangiti kong sambit sa kanya.
"Thank you..." mabagal niyang sagot.
Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko. He gently squeezed it.
"Nabasa mo naman ang mga letter ko, 'di ba? Maghihintay pa rin ako, promise," sabi niya habang diretso akong tinitingnan.
I didn't say anything.
I just held his hand tightly and said to myself,
I really hope you can wait.
The first few months were okay.
We constantly messaged each other. Random updates about how our days went. Little stories about school. Simple conversations that somehow made the distance feel smaller.
Until things slowly changed.
He got busy with his acads, and I got busy with mine.
I needed to figure out what strand I wanted to take when I graduated from junior high school. It felt like I had to figure everything out right away because the world doesn't stop moving.
The world wouldn't wait for you to figure out what you wanted in life.
And neither would time.
_________________________________________________________________________
"Happy birthday, Ely. Ito gift ko," sabi ko sabay abot sa kanya ng paper bag na may lamang regalo.
"Thank you! Ah... nga pala," nag-aalangang sabi ni Ely.
Kinabahan ako kasi sumeryoso ang mukha niya habang hawak-hawak ang kamay ko.
"Bakit?" nagtatakang tanong ko.
"Nag-message sa'yo si Miguel. 'Di ba sabi niya may ibibigay siya sa'yo sa birthday ko?"
Right. He messaged me last week asking if makakapunta ba ako sa birthday ni Ely. After months of not talking, he reached out just to ask that.
"Ha? Wala naman siyang nabanggit tungkol sa ibibigay niya. Minessage niya lang ako para tanungin kung pupunta ba ako," nakangiti kong sabi.
I needed to act like everything was okay kasi ang alam lang naman nila ay nag-uusap pa rin kami ni Miguel.
"Malalate kasi siya. May tinatapos pa siyang paper, pero pinapabigay niya 'to," sabi ni Ely habang inaabot sa akin ang isang sulat.
"Baka kasi umuwi ka na agad kaya pinaabot na lang niya. Surprise ata 'yan. Kayo ha!" nang-aasar na sabi ni Ely.
"Baliw ka. Thank you, ah. Oo, uuwi na rin ako. Nandiyan na si Daddy sa labas. Inabot ko lang talaga gift ko."
Palabas na ako ng party ni Ely nang makasalubong ko si Miguel.
"Win," nakangiti niyang bati.
Natigilan ako at hindi agad nakapagsalita.
I missed seeing that smile. And that perfume. I missed everything about him. But what could I do? I wasn't ready for that kind of love, and I didn't think I was capable of loving him the way he deserved.
"Hi," mahina kong bati.
"Sorry kung pinaabot ko na lang 'yong letter," malungkot niyang sabi.
"Okay lang. Alam ko naman na busy ka. Good luck sa feasibility study n'yo. Mauuna na ako, ah. Hinihintay na kasi ako ni Daddy."
Ngumiti lang siya at tumango.
After that incident, we never really talked again.
But the letter he gave me was enough. It was an assurance that he was still waiting for me. He wasn't trying to pressure me or rush me into being ready. He was simply willing to wait.
And somehow, that meant more to me than he probably realized.
_________________________________________________________________________
Senior High School came like a wave in the ocean.
New faces, new buildings, new uniforms, and new friends.
That group we had back in junior high school slowly started drifting apart. We had new lives to discover and new worlds to explore. Well, Kyeom and I still kept in touch, but the others gradually became distant.
Jeong was now a first-year college student. Ely and Miguel were both in 12th grade, while Kyeom and I were in 11th grade.
Different schools. Different uniforms. Different lives.
It was a fresh start.
At least, that's what everyone called it.
But for me, it felt terrifying.
The first few weeks were surprisingly fun. I met different people who eventually became my friends. I experienced things I had never experienced before, like swimming during P.E. class and nearly panicking when one of your friends almost drowned. Then you'd have to dry your hair as quickly as possible because the next professor didn't want students walking into class with dripping wet hair.
For the first time in a long while, I stopped checking my phone every few minutes.
I stopped waiting for messages that never came.
I stopped wondering whether Miguel still remembered me.
Life slowly moved forward.
And so did I.
Or at least, I thought I did.
_________________________________________________________________________
I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing.
Sino naman ang tatawag nang ganitong oras?
Andrew Calling...
"Hello? Why are you calling?" I asked, still half-asleep and stuck in dreamland. He had successfully interrupted my fairytale.
"Wala, tatanong ko lang kung anong type ng uniform ang susuotin today," natatawa niyang tanong.
Is he serious? Tinawagan niya lang talaga ako para itanong kung anong uniform ang susuotin mamaya.
"Nang-iinis ka ba?" tanong ko.
He's calling me at four in the morning just to ask what to wear for a school event later.
"Sorry, nakalimutan ko, e."
Well, ano ba ang ine-expect ko sa isang adik sa computer games?
Sometimes, I regretted being his friend.
"Tigilan mo na kakalaro ng Dota, Benedict Andrew," sabi ko sa iritang tono.
Well, we became friends when we were both late for our second subject. Pareho kaming nalate dahil hindi pa namin gamay ang school at, syempre, dahil na rin sa cafeteria na sobrang bagal ng service.
We both received a lecture from our professor, at pareho kaming pinaupo sa likod ng classroom.
Napahiwalay tuloy ako kay Jean, who was also one of my friends.
After that incident, we became inseparable. Dahil doon, halos lahat ng classmates at schoolmates namin ay iniisip na may something sa amin.
Pero wala talaga. Magkaibigan lang kami.
I never really tried letting someone enter my life the way Miguel once did.
That's why whenever someone confessed to me during senior high school, I always told them that I wasn't ready.
Well, that was only half true.
Because the real reason was Miguel. He still held a special place in my heart. A place I never allowed anyone else to occupy.
A part of me was still hoping that one day he would reach out again. Maybe through another letter. Or maybe through something as simple as a message asking how I had been.
_________________________________________________________________________
Then the world changed.
Classes were suspended.
Stores were forced to shut down.
The internet became an essential part of everyday life. It was no longer a want—it was a need. The future became uncertain. And just like everyone else, I found myself stuck inside four walls.
One night, while I was playing online games with Andrew, a notification suddenly popped up.
itsMigs_ replied to your story.
And just like that, the chapter I thought had already ended started opening itself again.
I died in the game and immediately called it a night.
Alone in my four-walled room, I stared at the ceiling. Wondering if I should open the message. As if it would somehow disappear on its own if I ignored it long enough.
My heart was pounding.
I didn't know which one I should listen to this time—my heart or my mind.
After several minutes of overthinking and tossing around in bed, I finally opened the message and replied.
"Hi! Thank you daw sabi nung dog ko for greeting him a happy birthday hahaha. I'm okay. Hbu?"
And that one reply changed something in our story.
That simple question became the start of our daily conversations.
For the first time in a while, neither of us was as busy as before.
Long chats.
Endless exchanges of banter.
Late-night conversations.
Again.
Just like before.
But this time, it didn't come with an assurance that he was still waiting for me.
Or so I thought.
_________________________________________________________________________
"Do you ever think about us?"
My heart stopped.
Literally stopped.
Or at least, it felt like it did.
Tahimik ang kabilang linya.
Then he continued.
"Kasi ako, oo."
Napapikit ako.
Years had passed, yet hearing those words still affected me.
They still made my heart ache.
Hindi ako nakasagot dahil ako rin naman ang matagal nang nagtatanong sa sarili ko ng parehong bagay.
Every single day.
What would've happened if things were different?
What if I wasn't scared anymore?
What if I was finally ready?
But no.
I stayed where I was, keeping myself from saying the words I knew he wanted to hear.
It didn't feel right.
I didn't think I could love him back the way he loved me.
Maybe some other time.
Or maybe in some other universe.
_________________________________________________________________________
The pandemic passed by like a storm.
And time slipped away just as quickly.
College applications started coming in.
Future plans, entrance exams, application forms—it all came at once.
Life was waiting for us outside our screens.
"Try mo mag-apply dito sa school ko. Next week na ang start ng applications. Sasamahan kita, don't worry," sambit ni Miguel.
"Try ko, pero parang hindi ako puwede diyan, hahaha. Mataas ang standards diyan, e," natatawa kong sagot.
Hindi naman ako matalinong tao.
Masipag lang siguro.
Kaya ko nakakayanang pumasa.
Pero hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko bang makasabay sa kanya.
Time really does pass by quickly.
Dumating na ang resulta ng mga schools na inapplyan ko.
I passed most of them.
Pero ang pinakainaabangan ko ay kung makakapasa ba ako sa school kung saan siya nag-aaral.
When the results finally came out, I stared at my screen for a long time before typing my message.
"I passed. Pero ayaw ng parents ko."
Sent.
I needed to tell him as soon as possible.
I didn't want him to keep waiting for something that might never happen.
Reality had a funny way of ruining beautiful moments.
Because no matter how close we became again, there was one thing neither of us could ignore.
Distance.
Timing.
And life.
_________________________________________________________________________
"Congrats! College boy ka na!"
"Congrats din, VP ng University Student Council!"
Neither of us knew it then. But college was about to change everything. Again.
For years, we had always found our way back to each other.
No matter how much time passed.
No matter how many conversations faded.
No matter how many times life pulled us in different directions.
Somehow, we always found our way back. But this time was different.
This time, college wasn't just another chapter.
It was the beginning of separate lives. Separate dreams. Separate futures.
And for the first time, neither of us knew how to hold on. The distance wouldn't just separate us. It would teach us how to finally let go.
_________________________________________________________________________
College.
The first few months were exciting. Well not that exciting because limited pa rin ang pag labas because of the pandemic.
New professors. New environment, really a different environment. New responsibilities and all. Assignments. Deadlines.
It just keeps piling up. And that became another reason why our connection keeps getting shorter. Because as the list of priorities keeps getting long, our reach for each other keeps getting short. Life became too demanding, and we can’t afford to ignore the ticking clock and the deadlines that we need to meet.
One night I realized we are now becoming strangers again. Maybe that's when I made my decision. Not intentionally. Not all at once, but little by little. The thing about college is that it teaches you priorities. And for the first time in my life, love wasn't one of mine.
Days become months and months, well, they become years.
One afternoon after my class I am on the way home. I decided to open my social media app. And then I saw it. The smile I like the most.
A new post. It was Miguel wearing that smile, my favorite smile. But this time with someone beside him. My stomach dropped. I stared at it. He looked happy, really happy. The kind of happiness I hadn't seen in years. The kind of happiness that comes when someone is loved properly.
I closed the app. I said to myself, it's ok. I am ok. I should be ok, right?
Sinungaling.
Because the truth was, I wasn't okay. Not because I still expected him to choose me. Not because I thought he owed me anything. But because reality finally hit me. The boy who once waited for me...
Stopped waiting.
And honestly? He had every right to.
_________________________________________________________________________
After that, I started building my walls high, not because I hate love but because I was tired of it. Whenever someone tried getting close, I pulled away. Whenever someone showed interest, I smiled politely and kept my distance. It became easier that way. It was safer.
Years passed. College became my world. Literally, because I focused on classes. I spend time with my friends. Do a project. Internships.
And every brick of success I built became another brick added to the wall around my heart.
As graduation grew closer, I was celebrating new beginnings aside from that I was also preparing for something else. Something much quieter. Something no one could see.
I was preparing to finally let go of the person I'd been carrying in my heart for years.
ot the boy who confessed during a game of Spin the Bottle.
Not the boy who promised to wait.
Not even the boy who eventually stopped waiting.
But the version of him that I had kept alive in my heart for all those years.
And for the first time...
I think I was finally ready. Ready to stop wondering about the what-ifs. Ready to stop looking back.
Ready to let him go.