Chapter Text
Garth laid on his bed, not ready to end the day yet with lights still on despite how late it was. He rolled the filter of a cigarette between his fingers, feeling its indents, as he eyed the little remaining white of the burned paper, dented and used as it was.
It was the one he had given Daisy as a cover-up of the rescue attempt about a week ago. Which, of course, the infamous loose cannon has changed her mind on too. After he had pushed so hard for it, he figured he would be more upset when she suddenly showed up again the same morning. By now he was in too much disbelief that the last minute cover-up worked to be upset with her. Garth never really was, as infuriating and frustrating as she could be; it was strange. It pushed him. Made everything feel so much more urgent then before. Even Mayday became more present to him, even if she was an uncooperative agent more often than not, but one of the most eager ones nonetheless. Daisy was full of contradictions like that and Garth felt himself more attuned to her presence because of it; feeling her signaling him, even when he couldn’t see her.
He really shouldn’t give in, and be alone with her as often as they were to exchange intel. As a guardian, Garth had always been strict about keeping contact with the people he was handling limited. But even the briefest interactions with Daisy they’d stretch out the time more than he did with any other contact. It felt too short even then. Daisy gave him a piece of her mind first nearly meet up they had, which took a decent amount of time on its own before they went onto actually getting to talk about the next objective. He listened every time nonetheless, letting her spit fire, criticize, speak blasphemy, and let references from outside Gilead slip. It was pointless more often than not, straining to listen to at times but he still soaked it all up like a sponge, turning it over in his head after, feeling both unsettled at the thought she might slip and speak like that in front of others but also thrilled that she did talk like that at all. There was something about her only talking like this to him that made him more aware of the way she slid back into her under cover self when their moment had passed and she slipped back into her role again as a close-to-perfect Pearl Girl, or a perfect Plum now but Garth didn’t like to think about the later.
It would have been more practical for their mission had she not gotten her period at all, Mayday assumed that she like most others wouldn’t and that by nearly sixteen she would have aged out of the possibility too. Not that was ever any more than a gamble. Garth regretted not being able to find her tampons to hide it better or figure out what they were in time for him to secure some for her, he wished they had more time on the porch together for her to she have explained it to him.
He pinched the filter between his thumb and index finger. Letting his hand fall onto his chest while his head fell back onto the pillow. Staring at the ceiling, he inspected the beige paint and its minor cracks. The walls in his small room had the same color, just like any other room of the communal workers housing of the MacKenzie estate.
He was only seventeen and not even a commander at that; being put in the matching pool took him aback. Garth had hoped to stay a Guardian for longer; gathering intel and staying in contact with his operatives was much easier like this.
It was going to be his last night there before he was assigned his own house, after he’d accepted the arranged marriage to Rebecka Grove.
`You have to marry her; you have to. Do you know how hard it is for me to ask you that? Of all people.`
Agnes Mackenzie said to him the other night, when she sought him out. She wouldn’t look at him then, too affected by everything going on around her. And just like that night, he still felt at a loss how to react or navigate other peoples emotions on the matter. Not when he himself didn’t know how to feel about the whole ordeal, he was willing to fulfill Gileads expectation of him on paper even if not behind closed doors but this back and forth tore at him, especially after the situation escalated the way it did.
It wasn’t hard for Daisy. Not at all. She lured him near the woods to not ask or even argue but to straight-up demand it from him, not a moment of hesitation wasted on the matter. All to save another girl that, due to reports, didn’t even like her that much. It was unprofessional to go to your handler about such a non-issue to the cause as a whole; it should be infuriating to him to risk both themselves and their mission to get to talk to him about just that. It could have jeopardized so much if they were found together. Especially if the were found clutching at each others sleeves the way they did. Garth flexed his hand recalling how the fabric felt against his palm.
All of that despite her being the one to first ask him how he would get out of the arrangement when it was first announced, as if not loving someone was reason enough. Of course now the stakes had shifted, and with that Daisy’s stance on the matter. She was all passion and determination then. Garth was almost jealous of her at times when she got like this.
Some nights after their meetings, just like tonight, he would dwell on it all and even come to think about how he would like to be bold and direct like that. He didn’t know what to make of it; he did to an extent, but it brought him no comfort to dwell on.
It shouldn’t bother him that Daisy didn’t have any of the struggles to demand of him to marry Rebecka like Agnes did, but it did. The thought shot through his mind before he could figure it out.
Sin's love to come in pairs, and so he gave into the by now familiar impulse as he lifted the cigarette's filter to his mouth to take a nonexistent drag from it. Just to feel it between his lips while his memory flew back to Daisy taking a drag from the same one after he lit it for her the other morning. Something tugged at the curves of his mouth ever so slightly when he thought back to it and how, of all times, that was the one time she listened to him all wide eyed, with her hair tussled all over the place, still in her nightgown. Not immediately of course, she was hard headed like that. If he would go through with the marriage he wouldn’t be able to be around to help her like that again, and as impulsive as she was she is bound to be in trouble again. There was a rare certainty in that.
The weight of the cigarette on his lips left him feeling bolder as he sat up, running his hands through his hair, trying to reason with himself to stay put where he was now. To not attract unnecessary attention. Garth wanted to see her; he couldn’t go through with the wedding without talking to her. It was too much for him to decide; he needed her to tell him to do it. When he was given an out of the marriage, he didn’t even think twice on it, feeling already done and over with as he accepted that he wouldn’t get married this soon after all, but then Mackenzie came to him, and Daisy too, to tell him that if he weren’t to marry her, she’d die or be declared be a fallen woman in the eyes of Gilead. It didn’t feel like a trap then, but it did now as the weight of the decision laid on him alone. Daisy would sneer at him if he’d said that out loud, that he wasn’t the one in the tough spot with his neck on the line, that he should get over it. There wasn’t a single person he could confide in. He needed her to sneer at him now, or he couldn’t go through with it, or sleep, or eat.
Garth stood before he was aware he had gotten up. Putting the cigarette stub its usual spot, a spare emptied out cigarette box in his nightstand drawer, before killing the lights. Forgetting himself and all his hesitations he went out into the night.
It was all a blur until he reached the church on the outskirts of town. He didn’t need a light as he took all the by the surrounding forest hidden away paths, the plan on what to do forming on his way.
He knew the night shift routine of the Guardians at the Pearl Girls dormitory like the back of his hand, after having studied it before Mayday assigned Daisy to him. Having memorized when someone walked down which hall or circled the building's perimeter, even which spots of the nearby woods were easily accessible and in sight from the building. When he got there, the night shift swift was just about to go down. He’d fit into the security routine seamlessly, the two other guards even made jokes at his expense that he was probably going to be given as many odd jobs and graveyard shifts as possible. There had been some vague resentment as he was put in the matching pool before even some of their superiors.
Garth let them talk; he wasn't going to partake in an argument about a perfect alibi. An alibi for what exactly, he wasn't sure just yet. It was all impulse while his mind raged at him to know better. The calm exterior of his face and body weighed on him like led, while he went through the motions of night patrol, walking down the hallways ignoring the tension building in his chest.
Guardians actually couldn't enter the sleeping chambers of the Pearls, as their only assigned job here was to secure the parameters after the attack, and unjustifiably entering them could cost him his hand at the very least. So he walked past the door, but he did so with unhurried steps. Opperatives usually reached out to him, signaled him, but now that he tried to do the same with such intense constraints, he felt exposed already just thinking about trying to get her attention somehow. Before his anxiety got the best of him he felt the need to suppress all air in his lungs and keep it down where it grew hot and stung his throat. How Daisy was constantly sought him out, as frequently and boldly as she did, was even more of a mystery to him now. It was a quality, that as hard as it was to deal with on the receiving end, he became envious of. Clearing his throat near the door was as bold as he could muster himself up to be for now. Feeling dumber now than he did before, he adjusted his stance and kept on walking down the hall with his flashlight in hand. Hoping to come up with something better once he passed by the dormitory again.
When Garth finished the first round, before considering slipping out, he did another. It was then he heard one of the older Gaurds snark down the hallway just before he was about to turn the corner to the sleeping hall again.
"What do you think you are doing out?"
Before the other person even answered the man, Garth recognized her voice by the way her breath hitched.
"I’m so, so sorry. I was just on my way to the bathroom." Daisy's voice felt loud despite the distance between them as he walked towards the scene.
"And that couldn’t wait ?" spat the voice of an older man.
Garth turned the corner, biting the inside of his cheek in worry. Daisy’s big eyes fell on him as he walked down the hall ever so briefly before she replied.
"No, it couldn't. Apologise."
The guard scoffed at her then, "Make haste then."
Noticing Garth approaching, he rolled his eyes at him in annoyance of Daisy. "This is the troublemaker from the other day, isn't it?"
Garth shrugged at him; it was best to stay ambivalent in times like this.
Stepping into his role, Garth looked at Daisy. "Go to the bathroom, Pearl Girl; I'll keep watch."
He nodded at the other man, playing off as being taking over an annoying bit of duty while the man gave Daisy another stern look before walking off.
In silence Garth escorted her towards the communal washing rooms, aware of her eyes on him and her brimming temper that she suppressed as long as they were within earshot of other people.
Just as soon as they turned the corner, Daisy nudged him by the elbow, startling him.
"What the hell?" she hissed in a whisper at him. "I knew I heard you, and then you just ditched and let me get in trouble for nothing."
Garth's eyebrows lifted as he discreetly looked around, but there was no one around who could have heard her.
´You recognized my voice by just that?´ is what he wanted to ask but instead whispered to her in reassurance.
"You aren't in trouble."
In the windows of the hallway to their side, Garth watched their reflections against the dark backdrop of the night. How his own blended into the night, with his uniform having the same dark color scheme while Daisy’s white dress had the opposite effect, sticking out against the dark with such an intensity as if she was glowing. Daisy's curls were always hidden by the strict hairdos of Gilead, but now, just like that one morning, he saw it flow in waves and curls around her face and down her neck, where it was tied in a loose, low ponytail.
When they reached the bathroom door, Daisy looked around the hallway once before nudging her head backwards, signaling him to follow.
Pursing his lips, he ducked his head, giving one last look around the hallway before stepping in behind her.
As soon as the door closed behind him, she spun around, finger pointing at him almost accusatory, as she stepped into his space. Not letting himself have any give, he let her get close. Wondering for just a moment if she was going to grab him by the arm again.
"If this is another rescue mission, I'm not in on it. This isn't what I want anymore."
"It’s not." He frowned.
"Then what is this about?" She looked angry at first, but her scornful expression calmed as her eyes searched his face while Garth stayed quiet. "Are the girls ok? Did something happen to Becka?"
"What?" Her question took Garth a second to process. "Yeah. They are fine, I think."
She shoved his arm slightly, dissatisfied with his answer, but neither of them moved away from each other still.
"You think?"
"No updates so far since the last check-in, so yes."
"Okay.-" She wiped her hands over her face, tucking loose strands of her hair behind her ear in the process. One strand got stuck across her lips, and Garth pressed the nail of his thumb into the flesh of his index finger when he noticed.
"Okay, that's good, right? Then all is set for tomorrow?" She sounded too relieved at that, and Garth had to remind himself that Daisy's main goal for tomorrow was to secure Rebecka's survival. Garth nodded, not knowing what to say to that. He knew by now that Rebecka Grove did kill her father that night, and while by some miracle her mother took the blame, even if she didn't kill without motive, the thought of marrying a murderer scared him. There was no way to assess her state after the less than handful of visits they’d had before.
It was as if she could sniff out his own hesitation in the air.
"You are not backing out of it, are you?" Her blue eyes drilled into his.
Garth pressed his lips together, at a loss for words. This is what he came here for; this is what he needed to hear to go through, no matter how it felt to hear her push him.
"Garth," she hissed his name, grabbing him by the sleeve as if he were about to bolt when he broke their eye contact.
He nodded, then shook his head, Daisy's grip tightening on the fabric, the warmth of her hands and the created tension chafed against his skin.
The memory of their brief moment on his parent’s porch one afternoon came to him. "You were the one asking me how I was going to get out of this in the first place."
Her grip on him loosened but remained. "That was before. Now she will die if you don't."
"I know. I do-" he felt himself having to close his eyes for a moment, his chest feeling tight. Shaking his head as if he could throw the feelings off himself, trying to stay calm.
"You realize this puts you at a disadvantage, right?" When she scoffed at that, Garth couldn't help but double down. "It will be nearly impossible to contact each other, you know that right."
Despite it all, Daisy and she didn't have great rapport, so even when Rebecka would regain composure after her parents death, Daisy wouldn't be the first on her visitors list if she made it at all.
"-And you and I both know what she did."
"Don’t you dare; she had her reasons. We both know that," she spat at him, not even entertaining the argument.
"And what if she finds reason with me too."
"If you give her a reason, I'll cover it up too."
His eyes turned stern for a moment, wounded. "That’s not what I meant. I wouldn't. You know I wouldn't." He needed her to see and agree with him on that. It stung when she just looked at him challengingly; he didn't back away either. Letting her probe at his wound.
"She doesn't have exactly a lot to lose now." He read the report of Dr Groves body, its many stab wounds, his near dismemberment he was afraid she’d lash out again when he wasn’t keeping his guard up.
"All the more reason to protect her," she challenged him again, and in the sternness of her eyes he found the conviction he was looking for. That despite how he felt about it this was the right thing to do. What Dr Grive did was unforgivable. Garth remembered how distraught he was just hearing about him targeting Daisy, so he couldn’t imagine what his own daughter must have been through living with the man.
Garths own feelings became unbearably clear to himself now; he needed her to be the voice in his head arguing against his own. He sought her out for reassurance like a child.
Dragging his palms down his face, over his eyes, all the way down to his chin, suppressing an uncomfortable feeling that ran down his neck and the stung in his eyes.
"It’s still a lot, you know. You are asking a lot of me right now." It wasn’t fair, Daisy wasn’t the only ones to make these demands there seemed to be it’s own fraction of people from the Plum school, even including some aunts who held up the expectation for him to go through with it even when the general consensus was that he’d be a fool to not take the out. Garth was always aiming for the decision that would lead to the least amount of attraction tainted towards him yet he still found himself in the middle of all this. Like wind carrying clouds Daisy brought chaos like this with her no matter where she went.
"I thought you never expected to fall in love with anyone anyway."
He couldn't look at her when she said that to him. Having her of all people echo his own words back at him. Hands on his hips, lips pressed together, Garth tried to play it off with his usual stance, hoping he looked more imposing and above it all than he felt.
Looking at the bathroom's tile work instead, polished and scrubbed down as it was, reflecting their warped silhouettes. Only that his dark attire stood out crassly while Daisy's white nightgown blended right into the colors of it. Almost giving the illusion that her head was floating, like a portrait in a void, were it not for the delicate floral pattern at the bottom of each tile. They looked like daisies too.
Any other day he wouldn't have paid any mind to that at all, but now he couldn't look away, feeling spellbound to it, his own warped reflection looking so much more grotesque in comparison. Daisy stayed facing him, not in the reflection where even he avoided looking at himself but at the person standing in front of her.
The weight of her full attention was like a physical pull. Turning back to her then, the words fell out of his mouth before any thought could form around them.
He could feel his desperation break through his voice first before it bled into his expressions. "I didn't expect to."
Blinking, he suppressed the stinging in his eyes again, but before either of them could speak on that, footsteps echoed from outside.
`Shit. How much time had he wasted feeling sorry for himself?`
He cursed himself; even if it was a large bathroom, if they caught him here alone with a Pearl Girl in her nightgown, they might chop his hand off. If not more. Then all their plans would go down the drain for sure.
Daisy moved before he did, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him towards a stall, pulling him inside with her. Before he could say anything, she stepped on the closed toilet lid and pointed aggressively at it, telling him to do the same. Following her silent orders, he stepped on, with one of his feet in between hers as she clung to him for balance while he leaned one hand against the stall and had the other hovering around her side.
If they were caught now, there was no out of it. Nothing they could say that wouldn’t condemn themselves twice over. The footsteps were unmistakably from a Guardian, with its heavy soles hitting the ground. They became louder and louder the closer the other patrol came down the hallway. When they stopped in front of the door, his and Daisy's eyes found each other again in nervous anticipation. Feeling caught already, Garth fully put his spare arm around her, steadying her stance against himself. The smell of her hair, carrying notes of soap and honey, became an inescapable sensation now.
With a slow creak, the door opened, and they heard the man step into the room, his presence was even when out of sight suffocating. Garth heard the man sneer and take a walk around, the lavatories while letting his baton hit various stall doors. Despite her steady stance, Daisy's heart raced, throbbing heavily against his chest.
Pressing his thumb into her upper arm, he rubbed it up and down in comfort before they were found. The thought hollowed something in him, something that left him too lost to let it go even when it hurt like it did. Trying to replenish it, he leaned his face against the top of her head. Feeling her hair against his lips, he closed his eyes, not letting himself think of anything at all.
When the baton hit their stall door, and the unlocked door had a little give, his breath didn't even hitch; he didn't move an inch. Garth and Daisy stood frozen in each other’s arms.
Then the moment passed.
His heart only began racing uncontrollably when he noticed how the footsteps never broke their stride. They just continued as the man approached the exit as he finished his seemingly absentminded routine before he hit the lights on his way out.
His thumb trailed along her arm once more before he felt her stir under him. Shifting her head out from under his, the warmth it created against his cheek now fleeting out into the cold air around them. He stepped down first, trying to keep his steps quiet and careful in the near pitch-black darkness. Daisy's hand found his shoulder as she balanced herself onto him to do the same. Even when he couldn't see her, he could make out her presence against his in the dark. So close as if he felt her breath against his face. The sensation was amplified by being the only one he could take in. Her hand stayed on his arm, and he didn't dare to move before she did.
"That scared me shitless," she whispered into the space between them, so close that Garth could feel the vibration of her lips moving. Swallowing something heavy in his throat, he nodded before remembering that she couldn't see him.
"You okay?" Her voice was softer now, even lower than before and full of concern for him, and it tore at the air in Garth's lungs. Absentmindedly he cracked his thumb around the fabric of her sleeve.
"I don't even know what it would be like being married." he admitted into the dark. "I don't know the first thing about it."
"Scared?" she asked, bluntly but with no heat or accusation behind it.
Something tugged at the corner of his mouth, "Shitless."
"You’d think for as much as they worship marriage here, they'd prepare you guys a little better for it." The faint smile in her voice when she didn't even bother to thinly veil her criticism was audible to his ears.
"Yeah." His own voice was a rumble in his throat, very much aware that neither of them moved.
"I’m sorry for what it's worth. I don't want you to back out, but I feel sorry for you too, all of you."
"I know." and he really did; Daisy was as passionate as she was stubborn and that had to come from somewhere after all, and he was glad that it was from compassion.
The thought that this might be their last unobserved moment in a long time got to him now. It felt realer now that she was so close to him, and he felt helpless that he didn't know how to make it last.
Before he knew what he would say or why he felt the need at all he opened his mouth "Thank you."
"What did you come here for?"
Even in the dark, Garth had to avert his gaze then as he shifted his eyes to the side. "They took your radio, right?"
He felt her nod in the dark as the scent of her hair hit closer to his nose again.
"I'll hide a backup for you to pick up later. Behind the church, northwest along the trail, is an unpaved path to the left. The one with the purple and blue flowers growing on the sides. Follow it until you see a tree downhill. There is a hollowed-out spout near the roots. I'll hide it there."
"Thank you." She sounded somewhat in disbelief, but for once she didn't question him either. The vibration of her voice echoed through his chest, and without thinking, his arms reached around her, not touching her back just yet.
"Anything else?" His hand reached her hair then, and he felt her going still as he burried his fingers into her strands absentmindedly.
There was a comfort in the way her breath hitched, but she made no move away from him as his fingers buried themselves deep enough into her to reach the nape of her neck. Feeling her arch into the touch, his thumb found the corner of her jaw to stroke alongside it.
Her hands found his waist then, burying themselves into the fabric there, neither pulling nor pushing him away. Garth wished for both somehow as he leaned closer, his mouth finding the top of her hair in the dark.
She shifted then, and for a moment terror and acute awareness of it all flooded him; his breath felt heavy, leaving him spinning for the eternity of a moment while her arms circled him, fully pulling him against her.
Garth leaned into it, mirroring her as he crossed his arms over her back, leaning his head on top of hers as his fingers played with her hair. Letting them run through it with newfound indulgence, while holding onto her, he pulled away just far enough from her that he felt her stagger before he placed another kiss on her hair and then her forehead. His arms moved away from her back in continuous contact with her body until they moved to her front, where he covered her jaw to move her face about to kiss her cheek and any other place he hadn't reached yet. He felt drunk on it.
His entire body brimmed with heat as he felt Daisy lean into his touch, her breath growing unsteady. When his thumb brushed over her lips, he knew he was gone for.
Despite never having kissed anyone before, he recognized the need for it instinctively. Her mouth was warm and soft, and he stayed against it, feeling as if he had been shot when he felt Daisy moving against his lips. Echoing her movements back to her, he felt her shudder, wrapping her back into his arms. He buried his hands into her hair again while she clung to his back. Daisy's nails dug into his shoulders, he liked the pain of it.
They broke away for a moment, their breaths became labored, his more so than hers, before she pulled him back onto her lips. A paralyzing heat shot right through him as the tip of her tongue touched the inside of his lips and moved to feel out his own. He heard himself sigh into it when he felt her smile in the kiss. At a loss, he held onto her as tightly as he could, freeing her hair from the cotton ribbon band that held it together, while her hand trailed from his shoulder to his side, sending jolt through his body. He felt himself growing hard then as heat burned through his entire body. Overwhelmed by the sensation, he gasped as his breathing became heavier and Daisy pulled away. He was even more glad for the darkness than before, as his entire face felt flushed with an uncomfortable strain.
She hesitated then, before asking if he was alright. He nodded, but when she moved her leg, it brushed against his crotch, and his body flinched at the contact as he felt his eyes flutter.
"I need a moment," he gritted out with a low and weak voice.
She cupped his cheek then, her thumb stroking along the top of his cheek before giving him a faint kiss on the cheek before stepping out of the stall.
Leaning back against the stall wall, eyes closed, taking in deep breaths to calm his body and mind. Feeling the fabric of her ribbon between his index finger and his thumb, he quickly pocketed it before he allowed himself to dwell on it.
Leaning his head against the stall, he spoke up, whether to himself or to her he wasn't entirely sure. "I'm getting married tomorrow."
"I know." Her voice had composure then, more than he'd hoped for.
"I don't want to." His voice low and coarse. Garth felt like a child saying as plainly as he did.
"I know." The softness of it kept it from feeling like a personal jab.
"But I will." His mind was too far gone at this point for him to hold back his unfiltered thoughts from escaping him. "I need you to tell me to do it."
"What?"
"Tell me to do it, or I don't think I can." He didn't recognize himself anymore, neither his voice nor his own words. But he needed to say it nonetheless. To exorcise this unfamiliar hesitation and double-guessing out of him.
Garth felt the stall door move a little further; Daisy must be pushing against it with one hand while the other reached out to his hand to pull him out. When he stood in front of her, he felt her cup his hand with both of hers. There wasn't a single waver in her voice when she spoke again.
"You need to marry Becka, or she will die, and all the girls did to protect her, and all the trust we borrowed from the aunts will be for nothing. Agnes leveraging her engagement and losing it would have been for nothing. Me putting myself on the line would have been for nothing. And all the fragile rapport built with the aunts to look out for the girls into their care will fall apart before we can fully utilize it for the next girl in trouble, alright. We did what we could. Now it's up to you. Look out for her and make sure she's safe, because Gilead is all too willing to let her suffer. You are going to marry her tomorrow." He didn't need to see her face to feel the determination in her eyes when she spoke.
Garth took in a sharp intake of breath, nodding along to it, not trusting his voice at first as he covered her hands with his and pressed them together. He could do this; this was part of his mission, like any other assignment.
"I will."
Daisy clasped his hand back before their hold on each other fell apart.
Daisy took in a deep breath. "You ready to go?"
He nodded on instinct again, but with the dark giving him time to reconsider, he leaned forward to kiss her temple before whispering in her ear that he was, enjoying how his breath felt agaisnt her skin for another fleeting moment.
There was a light flush along her neck and tcheeks that he noticed as soon as they stepped into the light again, an image that burned itself into his memory while he kept from looking at her any longer. It was more than a small mercy when they didn't encounter any issue when walking her back to the communal bedroom. Only when she was about to sneak behind the door did she look up at him again, looking hesitant, her bright eyes searching his, and he was unable to not look at her. The weight of her eyes on him felt like a physical pull.
His face falling back into its usual demeanor was like a physical sensation, and everything from just a few minutes ago felt unreal to him already.
Hidden away in his pocket, the hair ribbon in his pocket served as a reminder to him that it really did happen how it did as he felt it heavy inhis pocket for the rest of his shift before he held it there in his hand on his entire way back home.
It was all a blur until he was back in his own room, laying on his bed not staring at the ceiling but at the fabric in his hand as he still held onto the ribbon. On some foreign impulse, he pulled it to his lips again before inspecting it; the look, texture, and scent of it anchoring him when everything else around him was spinning.