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It's not until Alec's holding a key to Magnus' apartment in hand at an uncomfortable late hour of the night just outside the threshold of Magnus' wards, that he starts to wonder if he's doing the right thing.
The thing is, he doesn't live here.
Sure, most of his things are in Magnus' shelves and Magnus' closet, but it's for convenience. For late date nights, for something planned. For emergencies, too, but this doesn't count as an emergency.
No one's hurt, no one's needed and he hasn't been invited.
It might feel like an open invitation to be there whenever, as they've been dating for a while and are sharing so many things, but Magnus hasn't asked him to move in.
And Alec –well. His heart is pounding and he feels flushed, hot despite the evening breeze–. He isn't ready to move in.
He hovers outside, trying to make a decision.
Magnus is most likely asleep by now. Alec doesn't want to wake him. He doesn't want to take that away from him, not with how erratic Magnus sleep schedule has been lately.
He wants his boyfriend, wants wants wants– But it doesn't matter what he wants.
If Alec crosses that threshold, he'll be admitting he's moved in and will have to adhere to all this rules he's not privy to that he doesn't know if he'll be able to handle.
When the Lightwoods officially moved into the Institute for the first time, Alec didn't know to be wary. It wasn't until Maryse and Robert –he refuses to call them his parents anymore– started punishing him that Alec realized. He learnt to figure the rules quickly out and did everything he could to not break them.
Then Jace came along, and the rest is history. Alec always thought the punishment was harsher when he was the one getting punished. Maybe he was just breaking rules quicker than he notices them. Maybe it was just the curse of being the oldest.
Alec exhales shakily. He's tired.
He's already walking on a fine line as Head of the Institute. He really can't lose Magnus too.
The walk back to the Institute feels longer than it's ever been. He drags his feet, feeling untethered. He doesn't want to go back. But there's nowhere else to stay.
For a while, he considers laying on a bench somewhere and pretending to have had a normal night.
The benches are wet, and he's somehow both hot and cold, shivering with a flushed face and pounding heartbeat.
By the time he walks into the Institute, the sun is already starting to shine onto the rooftops.
He feels weird going into Magnus' apartment with his own key again. It feels intrusive. He feels unwanted.
Magnus smile makes him forget about it.
Most of his things are at Magnus' apartment, but Magnus isn't always home. Alec feels uncomfortable again being there without him. So he– doesn't.
He uses the same shirt five times in a row and doesn't change his underwear for longer than he's comfortable. He doesn't change socks even when they're torn.
At some point, he tries moving some things out. Magnus doesn't take it well.
"What's going on?" He asks, eyes teary but voice hard as steel. "Your stuff's– Are you breaking up with me?"
Guilt floods Alec at the words. "No, I–," he closes his eyes briefly, ashamed. "I'm sorry. I'm not leaving. I love you. Just changing some old stuff out."
Alec starts feeling worse, often. Starts doubting everything more. Is he doing too much, being too much? Magnus is acting differently– maybe I did something wrong. What am I doing wrong?
He's not moved in, but maybe –Maybe he is. Just not acknowledging it, not taking responsibility.
He feels guilty constantly. He feels wrong.
Alec starts working harder, eating less, pushing himself without reprieve. He doesn't deserve it. He's restless, constantly buzzing and hating himself and regretting everything he says and does and is.
(He refuses to acknowledge this has always been under the surface. He's always been scared, and hurt, and alone. But now– now he doesn't know the rules, which is worse. Now he has something he won't survive losing.)
He– he deserves to hurt. He promised he wouldn't but, but– (is he really going to break one of the few rules he's actually aware of?)
Magnus goes away for a week and Alec– he doesn't know what to do. Feels out of place at the apartment, feels like he's outgrown the Institute.
He floats from place to place like he isn't aware of it. Takes naps in between work tasks because he doesn't know what else to do. Wears clothes he doesn't like anymore because they're the ones he has lying around.
–he's lucky Izzy and Jace are so busy. He's lucky? (Is it luck if he wishes someone would help him? He-
He-
He doesn't deserve it, he knows, he doesn't deserve it.)
Magnus comes back and Alec dreads it. He dreads– This isn't right. He loves Magnus. He loves him so much. This isn't– He loves him more than himself.
Oh.
"I missed you." Magnus says as he greets his with a tired smile and a soft peck on the lips.
Alec smiles, strained. He's so tired. He needs– He needs–
His eyes start to water so he leans down and buries his face into Magnus' chest.
"Hey, Alec," Magnus reacts, as he lets his luggage fall onto the floor in favor of taking Alec's form into his arms. "It's okay– Alec, I, my love. I'm here, I've got you, I'm here.
Shh, shh, it's okay, I love you."
"We need to talk."
"I know," Alec acknowledges. He drags his hand across his face and pushed himself away from Magnus' ministrations on his hair.
They're in Magnus' bed, having slept some but clearly neither of them feeling any more rested.
"You know I love you, right?"
Alec blinks rapidly, hides his face. He knows. That's the problem. Love comes with terms and conditions and rules– he's not naive. (He knows it's not like with his parents, that that's an exaggerated form of control with little love in it. He knows it's not like that. But it still involves several people, still requires knowing what to do and what not to do to keep the peace and the love in the relationship. He knows it requires doing everything he can not to fuck up, and he– he doesn't know if he can do it.)
"I think," he says, holding his breath. "I think I'm not ready for a relationship."
He doesn't want to look at Magnus, doesn't want to see the hurt and relief and whatever they might be, but– he can't control himself.
"Oh," Magnus says. He looks shocked, but his voice is also wet and weird and Alec–
"I love you," Alec confesses. "I love you so much, I really do. You're– you're perfect. I'm just–"
And if this were happening months ago, Alec knows Magnus would take the hurt and ask him to leave. He'd roll his eyes and pretend he's untouchable and he'd push him away.
But it's not. It's now. And some growth has happened in between.
"Okay," Magnus says, after taking a moment to process. He takes a deep breath, and then another and sits close to Alec one more. "Okay, sweetheart. Talk me through it."
In the end, there's no break up. There are no new rules for Alec to memorize and learn to adapt to. There's vulnerability –from both of them. There's talking, so much talking. There's communication and compromise and–
Alec gets an appointment with a therapist, a key he won't lose and a beautiful boyfriend who promises to check in more often. Who promises there are no rules or guidelines to follow. That they'll find them on their own, communicating. That he won't be left or punished for things he didn't know about.
Alec doesn't really trust it, not yet– But he loves Magnus, and doesn't want to live like this anymore. He takes a leap of faith and hopes–
That between Magnus and his therapist he'll learn not to be afraid anymore.