Chapter Text
The buzz of the car engine has become an accustomed noise to JJ’s ears. His foot is tapping along to the faint music that does not seem to be any louder than the breath he is letting out. The sun is setting–slow and quiet–the light just enough to make the colour of the endless asphalt a tad bit brighter. The warmth from the leather seat beneath his back is sticking to his skin despite a layer of his cotton shirt. It is almost as if he has become one with every particle in this environment that surrounds– the car, the seat, the music, the sun, and the person beside.
Net’s eyes are focused on the road ahead, his hands steadfast on the steering wheel. But JJ knows it is only a matter of seconds till the man would turn to return his gaze.
“Hm? JJ, are you hungry?”
The voice is sweet and decadent as ever, yet JJ cannot help but notice the exhaustion in it. It has indeed been a long day. Long enough to say that he can see the load of the day seemed to have writ itself deep in Net’s bones.
JJ shakes his head in response. “P’Net..” he begins, then stops a few seconds and turns his body to the side; facing the man driving as if to soak in Net’s presence, and the reaction to the question he is about to lay open in this space. “Can I sleep at yours tonight?”
The question echoes in the car with such vulnerability. It is a question to the same old answer that he has asked countless times. And yet, every single time feels like laying out a piece of himself on an open surface. Laid out for Net who has never once failed to scoop up his pieces with grace.
“Thank god you tell me this before I make the turn.” Net laughs. A soft and light laughter like it is one signaling the waves crashing in JJ’s mind to break apart a tad bit softer.
Things are easier in moments like this when he is reminded of a space that they have created.
A space weaved in a facsimile of their domesticity.
Domestic enough for two people whose lives are far too intertwined to just be platonic partners. But if they were to be called courageless for the lack of labels, so be it. JJ never found a name vast enough to easily stick it onto something that is too large, too consuming.
Entering Net’s house, greeting the cats, using his shower, taking his clothes out of the closet–it all feels seamless. Net’s worn out shirt fits loosely around JJ’s body like his own. A heady yet subtle scent lingering on the fabric permeates into his senses. He wishes he could store it deep in his bones and let it spread through his spine for each time he needs a marker of stability: a constant.
The cats plop onto JJ as soon as he flops down on the couch. Net has once mentioned about one of the cats being skittish. Just like you JJ, a grumpy cat when you get tired and hungry. The cats have been nothing but curious and clingy with him since the first encounter. When he sees people online relate the cats’ affection for him to being the right chosen one for Net, the blush that creeps up on his face will remain a little secret tucked away.
When a familiar rhythm of footsteps enters the room, the cats flock to the source of the sound.
Net is dressed in shorts and a shirt, muttering baby talk as he picks up one of the cats.
There is something about the sight in front JJ that tugs his heartstrings. It does not make him question things. It does not make him unsure what to do with himself. Instead it makes him want to slow the seconds down and stretch the minutes longer. It may not be the exact replica of the love that he knows, but it is almost something close to it.
JJ would not have a clue on what to call this but he does know what he’s seeing is painfully domestic. So he just watches, and waits for Net to come over and press his warm body all over JJ.
Net sinks beside JJ, a damp head comfortably worming onto a warm lap and tan arms going around JJ’s middle as Net nuzzles his face into the soft fabric of his own worn out that is now on JJ’s frame. He really is clingy, as sweet as honey when he is all burrowed into his lap. And handsome, even after all these years and even in the most mundane moments like this.
“I told you to dry your hair, P’Net.” JJ mutters as his fingers slide through the dark silky strands. When he drags his touch on the scalp like he is mapping a sketch of the world, Net’s eyelashes flutter as he hums.
“You know..” Net starts out with a chuckle. “The other day, Patrick was asking me when I’ll get married.”
JJ raises eyebrows out of shock. He does not want to delve into the root of reaction. Whether it is because a child like Patrick is thinking about the marriage of his family member. Or simply the idea of Net making a life-binding vow in which he is not a part of the picture that makes his ears ring a little.
It is not as easy to compose himself within splits of seconds but JJ knows he is good at pretending to a certain degree. After all, there is a reason why he does this line of work. “How does a baby like Patrick know what marriage even is? Isn’t he like 2?” He teases. That is best effort to make light of scenarios running through his head.
“You literally saw him graduate first year elementary school the other day.” Net’s glare is followed by fingers pinching the side of his waist. A spot he knows would make JJ squirm and laugh.
“Stop! P’Net Stop!”
Their laughter is vibrating through the house, and for a good minute JJ cannot seem to feel anything except the warmth radiating from Net’s body seeping past their skin and fabrics, into JJ’s burned up skin.
When they have calmed down, JJ is already leaning on the arm rest with Net sprawled out on top of him. He can feel the dampness of the head that has fit itself snugly under his chin, like it is a perfectly slotted place to be. Net’s one hand is tugging the armsleeves of his shirt. Another one is on his hips, it’s not squeezing him or wandering. It’s simply just there. Anchoring.
JJ’s hands have shifted their motive from pushing Net’s arms away to clinging onto them. Through their smiles, JJ could most definitely feel the gust of air through Net’s heaving breaths on his neck. JJ keeps his smile, he doesn’t know the burn in his cheeks are the adrenaline pumping from all the movements or the closeness that is too real.
To anyone else seeing this from the sidelines, this play fighting of theirs is chaotic that it is almost as if brotherly.
But both of them know it better than anyone else. They have come so far, past a point of proximity that lacks desire. At times, it gets so obvious that it turns painful to even question it. As simple as he can make it, JJ thinks of it as a privilege, to be the sole person who could touch Net in a way that is simultaneously rough and tender.
Net presses his chin on JJ’s chest, his fingers digging into one of JJ’s arms. Eyes large and brown like caramel, they wander all over JJ’s face as if it holds the wonders of the world. JJ thinks about how shy he still is after all these years, to be cradled in somebody’s vision and want isn’t something one gets used to.
“No, it was..” Net starts, voice low and dragged out. “With you.”
“The marriage. With you.” By the time these words are in the room, Net’s voice is barely a whisper.
JJ can feel a shiver running down his spine by each of his boney ridges. He prays Net wouldn’t be able to see the heat coming out from the top of his head, if it can be seen. For a second, he wishes Net would take back what he said, not because he’s uncomfortable with the idea of getting married with Net. It’s far from it. Because he knows it would consume every waking moment of his. He might as well turn into a madman.
So he settles with a mean pinch to Net’s nose.
“Then we should ask Patrick where we should go for our 2 years anniversary trip.” JJ teases, cutting the tension. Or so he attempts to. It is an unspoken truth that Net knows him well enough like the back of his own hand. Maybe Net will see that he’s begging for a way out from this conversation that feels too large, for now.
Net chances a deep stare into JJ’s orbs, unwavering and unhurried. Almost as if he’s searching for an ultimatum from JJ to leave this behind and let it be a little joke. Because the man in front of JJ, would rather carry it all alone if JJ doesn’t want it to hold a weight. And JJ knows it too well.
Net shrugs and puts his cheeks on JJ’s chest. “Maybe somewhere a little more quiet and greener?”
“Khao Yai was pretty green to me. No?” JJ returns his hands to Net’s hair once more, fingers tracing the folds and patterns of his ear, getting a soft sigh out of Net.
“Yes, but more green.” Net whines.
JJ rolls his eyes and scoffs. “You already have a place in mind, don’t you?” He pokes his index finger into Net’s earhole, that is when the steady hand on JJ’s hips finally moves up, trying to dance along on the lining of his ribs. That gets JJ to move his finger away to grab the hands on where he’s sensitive, before they get into another silly playfight.
“Let’s go to Chiang Mai.” Net says it like he has planned out the trip itinerary already.
“But it’s like a whole day drive, Phi.” JJ sighs. “You’ll be too tired to do anything once we get there. It’s not worth it for a two days one night trip.”
He can see the corners of Net’s mouth slowly climbing, smiling till his eyes and nose start wrinkling. “Jay, do you believe in phi?”
He only lifts his brows, fingers still buried deep in Net’s dark and damp hair, then traveling up and down the spot behind the ears like how he would pet a puppy. Net takes this as a sign to continue, maybe he wasn’t waiting for an answer from JJ at all. It’s been an established reality that his doubts don’t take up form when it comes to Net.
“I took 3 days off for us.” Sheepish, in the way he mouths the words. “Friday, the week after next. And if you’re down, I just need to book the flights and the hotel.”
Suddenly, JJ’s mouth carves up, he cradles both of Net’s cheeks and brings them up to his eye level. Net has a crooked smile. Smug. And handsome. But JJ won’t let that thought go out the beat of his heart.
“How the hell did you even pull it off?!” He laughs, “With our schedules being this tight!”
“I have my ways, auan.” Net wiggles his face out from the hands and forward and slots it right at the junction of JJ’s neck and shoulders. A movement too natural, a placement too familiar. It’s as if that is where he is designated to be. Breathing and melting into JJ.
“I’ll take it as a yes, yeah?” Net brushes his nose to JJ’s throat, the touch falling not too far from his ears. JJ does not and cannot think about where he should put his hands when his instincts are making his head fall back a little more. For Net to touch, skin to skin.
“We’ll finally have some time together.” With each word that gently strings out, a breath grazes his neck.
It is ridiculous, silly even. They start their days and end their days in Net’s car. Superglued to one another at work, or when they go out to eat, or when they go home together like this. He cannot count up the days that they don’t spend time together.
But he, too, wants it so desperately.
When the sense of urgency and responsibility weighs him down, the first one he searches for is Net. But with the project that they invested their blood, sweat, tears on air, the need to be good enough seems to suffocate them both. Days have been going by so fast, he longs for a day in the absence of intensity and urgency in which both of them can just simply exist beside one another. Maybe a time and space where only Net and JJ can just be.
The thought of it makes him want to lunge at Net and hide under his ribs. He cannot fathom a life in which Net’s presence is not circling around his day.
It truly is never, never enough for him when it comes to Net. But how lucky he is, to know Net exists in the same wavelength as him. It’s never not embarrassing to think about how the feelings that continue to grow and gradually slither across his mind and body seem to be reciprocated, in the same intensity. If his heart is drumming deafeningly and shaking up the whole room, he prays Net would not mind.
JJ sits in a room with white lights bouncing off of the mirrors, shivering from the air conditioning that seems to be blowing directly to his nape. He has been here for nearly 20 minutes, way earlier than the meeting time stated in the email and the LINE text message from his manager.
The tapping of his foot on the floor is unstoppable, it’s nearly echoing all the hundreds of what-ifs and possibilities running free in his head per tap. Normally, one’s nerves would be wrecked just to be back in this cold and unforgiving room that he first signed his contracts in. So when the email is hinting this as a briefing for a ‘critical project of high priority’ amongst all the other jumbled corporate jargons, he would ask for the dampness in his palms to be justified.
The door opens to faces that he is all too familiar with, nothing too surprising for them to show up in the place. Except their vocal coach P’Oui, or 18 years old Pete who is as wide eyed as he is, deciding to take a seat beside him.
Everybody shares greetings as though the icy coldness of the room is not trickling deep down into their tendons and nipping away at the fingertips. Or maybe he has just become a bundle of nerves, as embarrassing as it may be to admit. For a project that seems far too big and far too real, the absence of Net’s presence is questionable. After all, they’re partners whose work is intertwined for a good chunk.
“Nong JJ and Nong Pete,” everyone’s undivided attention turns to P’Aof when he shifts his beady eyes between the two boys of the subject. “We want to propose to you two with a long-term project.”
“I promise, we’re not firing you guys.” He continues, attempting to make light of the tension oozing out from both JJ and Pete, ultimately earning him chuckles across the room.
“We’re pushing forward to having a duo of singers. There already is a group active under Domundi TV but we’re aiming to expand our abilities in the music industry.” He lays out the agenda, serious but gentle nonetheless.
JJ blinks so slowly, trying to process the information and where this conversation is treading towards.
“And you, Nong JJ and Nong Pete, are the priority candidates for this investment of a project.” P’Aof smiles light but earnest in honesty, he continues. “This is a project in its development stage but once confirmed, we plan to give you guys the freedom to dabble with production and the direction of the music you want to be making.”
JJ’s mind runs to think of all the years he has pursued music, and the very reason he had set foot in this industry. When the opportunity he spent almost half of his life scavenging for arrives itself at his doorstep like this, it feels too real. And perhaps a little too intimidating.
“Nothing on your contracts would be affected, nor the projects you already have lined up, other than schedule and timeline adjustments.” There is no hesitation in P’Aof’s voice. “With your confirmation, it’s on our calendar to push the duo out by the end of the year at the latest.”
A pause comes to give JJ enough time to scramble over a jumbled mess of his head. He thinks of his sister and his mom, he thinks of countless days he had spent in a practice room with his hands over guitar strings, he thinks of his then peers that stopped showing up altogether, he thinks of waiting, he thinks of his most silent days in a monk robe, he thinks of meeting Net. He thinks of Net. Relief nabs itself by the tail and something shakes up his chest a little, making the air a tad bit thicker, the ground beneath his feet slightly unstable. He wonders about Net's reaction. For this once, he seems to not know Net enough. And how mortifying it is to realise it.
Something must’ve bled through his composure.
“Nong JJ, it doesn’t have to be now that you give us an answer.” Words stringing out with patience grabs JJ’s attention back into the reality of this room under bright lights.
He scours the thoughts he could feel oozing out of every corner of his body, and nods.
“For now, enjoy your little vacation with Nong Net tomorrow. We’ll be waiting to hear back from you when you’re back.” There is care in the way P’Aof puts his arms on the table and the smile that makes its way onto his face. But there is also a gravity of seriousness in the sentence. This is business that they are talking about after all.
JJ gives a hug to all the people he can on his way out. He lets his hands rest a bit on Pete’s arm and gives it a soft squeeze. Young and filled with fervor, it feels like seeing his past self. The only difference is that where Pete starts, JJ is standing after dreadful years of trials and tribulations. You’re still so young, auan.
“See you, Nong Pete.”
Enthusiastic nods follow. “See you soon, P’JJ.” Pete says through a wide and bright smile. JJ follows suit, he can’t help but think how infectious it is.
The silence makes the hallway feel like an endless path. The feeling of standing before something without a proper form, drags its weight behind his steps. JJ feels like he had just dug up the grave of his childhood pet. He doesn’t want this feeling to take its space in his mind and body because it was never supposed to feel this way, taking a step closer to reviving his buried dream. He is not supposed to feel confused or feel this is complicated.
The phone rings in his pocket. Incoming Call from Net-chan.
As expected, the name on the screen feels like a sprinkle of water under a scorching sun. It cools down the heat from the pulsating of his head a little, tugs at the scattered thoughts in his mind and keeps them in the corner for the time being.
JJ puts the phone to his ear, waiting for the voice from the other side of the screen to travel through his ears and ease him off of worries.
“Auan?” The voice reaches him, soft and attentive.
JJ slows his steps down, he finds a corner to lean his back against. The coolness of the wall spreads through nodes of his spine past his shirt. He lets out a sigh.
“Jay, you okay?” The sigh must have been louder than he believed he let out. JJ smiles because he feels like he would be able to detect the concern in Net’s voice just through how the sound reverberates even if he doesn’t get to know the exact words.
“Uh huh.” He hums. He wants Net to keep talking, about everything and anything.
“Have you packed yet?” Net starts. “Or do you want me to come over and help you pack? I can bring you dinner on the way.”
Steady and thoughtful, Net always finds his way to be a part of JJ’s day. Never has there been a person in JJ’s life, whose efforts in the most mundane human interactions awaken the intimacy in the most heart-fluttering way. It has been 2 years of this constant and unwavering effort. He wants to relish in this for as long as he can.
“I already planned to go out and eat with my family tonight.” He licks his lip and pinches the hem of his shirt with one free hand. Before Net could say a word back, he continues, “But please pick me up tomorrow to the airport...” He believes Net can hear the sheepishness in his words.
A short laugh embarks through the phone speaker.
“I was going to do that either way. Your personal chauffeur at your service, Khun JJ.”
It is impossible for JJ to not feel the fondness in Net’s voice. It grounds him to know that it has never once wavered since the day he noticed it. Despite all things, this fondness is where JJ has been finding his solace in, day in and day out.
“Good job, little Net.” He teases. “Sweet dreams, you have to go to bed early so that you can come pick up the big boss tomorrow.”
Net’s laughter is drawn out, turning into a few seconds of soft breaths. JJ waits, not because he is curious about Net's reply but because this is the space they exist in. Soft breaths surrounded by silence full of familiarity and comfort. He feels something warm inside his chest grows and spreads through his stomach, like a warm meal on a cold and grime day. It is almost as if the medium of distance between them doesn’t exist for that instant, just JJ existing with Net inside the same bubble right beside one another.
“I’ll dream about you.”
The rhythm of Net’s words flow through his ears like a tender touch, soothing him of the load he drags with him. JJ wishes it would envelope him whole in his sleep tonight, and much more nights to come.