Chapter Text
Neil Josten woke up the same way he did most mornings.
His chest was heavy and head was racing from the remanence of the nightmare that has plagued him for months now. Neil struggled desperately for his next breath and started pulling at the collar of his already loose pajama top. Fuck fuck fuck, he thought, convinced he couldnt breath, convinced he was dying, convinced that his father was going to find him. Neil’s hands shook violently and placed them underneath his legs in an attempt to prevent himself from tearing at his throat where he could feel his father's hands choking him.
Neil had started his second year at Palmetto State University, and since his return his nightmares had only grown more frequent and vivid. After what had happened at Baltimore and the Ravens in the past year, Neil had woken up at least once almost every night unable to breathe. Some nights he would be back in the nest, a damp cloth placed over his face and his oxygen supply cut off by one of Riko's favorite form of torture. Other nights he’d be running in an empty street, and no matter which way he went, he’d end up in his father's basement with those blood stained hands around his throats once more. Other cruel memories managed to torment Neil as he slept, but those of his inability to breathe were far more frequent.
Nathan Wesninski and Riko Moriyama were both dead. Neil knew this. He had seen the bullets pass effortlessly through them, blood and brain matter splattering on the wall. But Neil was shocked to see how easily such awful monsters died in the end, though perhaps they weren't truly dead. Riko and his father were still alive inside his head, they lived through his memories and nightmares tormenting him every night.
Neil had decided to stay with Andrew once the school year ended. Though it was more like the shorter man had refused to let Neil out of his sight during that break. For the most part it was just Neil and Andrew staying in the house in Columbia, Aaron staying with Kaitlynn and Nicky staying with Eric, but after the first three weeks of staying with Abby and Wymack, Kevin drove up to Columbia to stay at the cousins house, much to Andrew's dismay.
Up until Kevin's arrival, Andrew was yet to comment on Neil's lack of sleep due to nightmares as the shorter man had opted to sleep in his own space most nights, only giving Neil a glance each morning when Neil came back in after trying to outrun his terror. That was until Kevin opened his big stupid mouth.
“Jesus Christ Neil, you look like shit.” The taller man pointed out during a morning run that Neil had managed to drag Andrew into.
Kevin wasn't entirely wrong. Neil’s eyebags were large enough to pack his shit into and run away, his hair was a mess and due to the combination of all night runs and lack of appetite Neil was sure to have dropped a pound or two. Neil was so tired from the night before that he would have considered opting out of the morning run if it weren't for the fact that he had been unable to the night before thanks to Andrew hiding his shoes.
“Piss off Kevin.” Neil muttered, far too tried to come up with a more creative insult, the action not going unnoticed by Andrew.
After that Andrew had decided to pull Neil into a shared room with him, beds still separate enough that Neil could get away with waking up in the night, but Andrew was still close enough to hear Neil leaving the room. But not tonight.
Tonight Neil was completely alone in his dorm room, Kevin was staying the Friday night at Wymack’s and Andrew was off bonding with Aaron at Betsy’s request. Tonight Neil had woken from one of, if not the worst nightmares he had ever had of his father. Neil stumbled out of his bunk and pulled on some clothes ready for a run and was more than a little annoyed to see that Andrew had once again hidden his shoes. Luckily Neil had taken to hiding a pair of orange converse beneath his pillow, the soles beginning to fall off, so after slipping them on and grabbing his keys Neil locked the door behind him and began to run.
Through his fear induced haze, Neil could vaguely remember the argument he and Andrew had after the shorter man first hid his shoes.
“I don't want to have to pick you up after you pass out in the middle of the street.” Andrew had spat out viciously when Neil had accused him. In some strange way it was Andrew's way of saying that he was worried about what might happen when Neil was running all night long on less than three hours sleep. So instead of arguing Neil decided to use his orange covers that Nicky had insisted he throw away.
Upon remembering the argument Neil decided to take Andrew’s masked concern into consideration and make his way to the Foxhole court instead of running aimlessly. Neil couldn't remember punching in the code to the stadium, he couldn't remember opening the door to the inner court, and he couldn't remember the time that he arrived. Heck, Neil couldn't even figure out how long he’d been running as his mind was clouded by fear and exhaustion. The only thing he knew was that he had to run, he had to get away from the nightmares chasing him relentlessly. Neil was finally pulled from his daze when the music blasted over the stadium speakers, Neil head whipped around the stadium as his eyes widened in fear, still keeping his pace. Finally Neil locked eyes with none other than Andrew Minyard who sent a fierce scowl Neil's way, phone in one hand and car keys in the other. Andrew gave no indication of wanting Neil to stop, so he continued his run around the inner court, mind going back into its pleasant daze.
Neil's mind didn't come back to earth until he heard the clear sound of the court door opening. Neil turned his neck to the side to see Andrew now standing at the door, just off the court. Andrew still made no attempt to pry Neil off the court, so the taller man kept on running, still shook up from the nightmare that felt just moments away but hours ago. The only difference other than where Andrew was situated was the look on his face, the scowl from earlier now deeper as frown lines were edged onto his face.
The next time Neil was pulled from his daze Andrew was no longer at the court door, now he was at his usual spot in goal, only now he was sat leaning against it, unopened water bottle in hand. Once again Andrew looked annoyed, only now there was the faintest hint of concern etched into his features. When the two men locked eyes Andrew cocked an eyebrow at Neil and tilted his head downwards, a silent question passing between them. Are you done being a stubborn idiot or am I gonna have to drag you off the damn court? Neil decided to avert his gaze, giving Andrew an answer that he surely wasn't happy about. But Neil was too tired to care, his muscles beginning to ache whilst his chest heaved almost as heavy as it had earlier that morning, or perhaps it was late last night, Neil couldn't tell. All that mattered to him right now was running, getting away from his father and the memories that came with, desperate for any feeling of control, the repetitive motion of his legs pumping providing him with the same feeling of safety it had provided his entire life.
Neil was pulled from his daze a final time when Andrew moved away from the goal in a slow and steady jog, a pace completely the opposite as the one Neil was by some miracle able to obtain. Neil ignored the motion and kept on running, nearly forgetting about Andrew once more, that was until the shorter man ran into Neil, wrapping his arms tightly around him. Suddenly Neil was aware of the exhaustion that had been building up inside him and the heaving of his chest, Neil's knees gave out as soon as he felt Andrew's anchoring grip around him and in an instance they were being lowered onto the court floor. Neil was on his knees with his hands planted just in front of him as he grasped desperately for an actual breath, Neil felt the familiar, grounding grip of Andrew’s hand placed firmly on his neck. Apart from the insistent ringing persisting in his ears, all Neil could hear was the shallow gasps of his own breath, but he was faintly aware of Andrew talking just above him, down on only one knee next to Neil. Once Neil’s breathing began to deepen, he attempted to get up from the floor in an insistent belief that he was fine, but Andrew’s grip grew tighter as he pushed Neil back down.
“For fucks sake junkie, I told you to pace yourself.” Andrew muttered in a tone that was both concerned and annoyed.
Had he? Neil thought to himself, unaware of the fact that Andrew had spoken to him previously. Neil straightened up slightly, no longer hunched over, and looked up apologetically into Andrew's eyes.
“Don’t give that look.” Andrew spat, now far more angry than he was concerned.
“I’m- I’m sorry.” Neil panted out in between breaths that he barely managed to draw in. Andrew just rolled his eyes in response and pushed the water bottle towards Neil's lips and tilting it slightly, the seal now broken as liquid poured out and into Neil’s dry mouth, previously unaware of how much his throat ached. It wasn't until now that Neil had noticed the distinct lack of music blasting from the speaker and was grateful for it as a headache now became apparent. Eventually Andrew pulled a bottle from Neil's mouth and he was thankful for the air that flowed into his lungs at a much slower pace, still heavier than normal, but slow enough that it didn't sound as if he was on the verge of a panic attack. Neil closed his tried eyes for only a moment, but when he opened them Andrew had moved again, the shorter man was now sat on his heels directly in front of Neil with an accusatory glare that Neil refused to meet, instead turning his gaze towards the still open court door where Kevin Day and David Wymack were walking in, the rest of the Foxes not far behind.
“Well you look like shit.” Kevin pointed out bluntly, receiving a nasty glare from Wymack. But Kevin seemed completely oblivious as he continued to voice his inner monologue with little to no filter. “And why are neither in your kit?”
Now it was Andrew's turn to glare at Kevin, Neil far too tried to do so and settled from leaning his head on Andrew’s shoulder.
“I’m taking Neil back to the dorm for the day to rest.” Andrew answered, clearly quite annoyed. Andrew then moved his hand from the back of Neil's neck to underneath his arms in an attempt to pull him to his feet before leaning down to collect the nearly empty water bottle.
“We need to start practice.” Kevin pointed out, not paying attention to the fact that Neil’s legs were so weak that he could barely stand without Andrew’s support.
“Neils been running for at least five hours now, so unless you want him to pass out from exhaustion then I suggest you shut your damn mouth and get your priorities straight.” Andrew said, misdirecting his anger entirely.
“Take him over to Abby’s before you head out.” Wymack ordered, moving out the way as Andew walked passed, half carrying Neil next to him. Neil was sure that the other Foxes were sending pitying glances towards him, but he was far too tired to care, all the feeling he was trying to run from now washing over him. Instead Neil settled for resting his head on Andrews’s shoulder, his eyes screwed tight as the lights above personally assaulted him, and he moved one leg in front of the other, both far numb from pain.
Following the same pattern and previously, when Neil opened his eyes the environment around him had shifted, only this time it was more drastic. He was now sat at the exam table in Abby’s office, his back rested against the wall as Abby and Andrew spoke in hushed voices, probably assuming that he was asleep or close to it. A chill went down Neil’s spine as he realised just how unaware he’d been lately, a million possibilities rushed through his head of all things that could have gone wrong whilst he was so out of it. For a brief moment he was grateful for Andrew’s overprotective behaviour, knowing full well that it most likely saved his ass more than once these past two months, even though he’d never admit that. His moment of gratitude was cut short however, as Andrew turned his head to the side to stare at Neil with a look that was far from friendly.
“Thanks Abby.” Andrew said, snatching a bottle out of her hands before turning fully to Neil. Andrew wrapped a tight hand around his waist and practically dragged Neil out of the room, stuffing the bottle into his Jean pockets and throwing away the now empty water bottle on the way out.
Neil shivered at the cold September air that waved around him as they exited the Foxhole court, despite the hoodie that he only now noticed was drenched in sweat, the Mas however provided shelter from the harsh winds outside, Neil only wished that protection extended to Andrew’s harsher glare. The drive back to the dorms was a rather short one, but it still managed to be awkward as the word Neil dreaded to hear came spilling past Andrew's lips.
“I want you to talk to Betsy.” Andrew stated bluntly, not taking his eyes off the road as they pulled out of the parking lot.
“I talked to her last week.” Neil pointed out, somewhat grateful for the school mandatory counselling sessions once per term. But Andrew’s hands tightened around the steering wheel upon hearing Neil’s response.
“You know what I mean.” He stated red bitterly through clenched teeth.
Neil did know. Coach Wymack had been insisting that Neil sign up for regular seasons with Betsy Dobson since before the Christmas with the Ravens, and since then his ‘suggestions’ had become much more fierce. Neil was sure that if it weren’t for Kevin then Coach would have benched Neil until he booked a session. But now, hearing it from Andrew, Neil knew that there was no way he’d get out of going now, heck, Andrew would even drag him there if he had to.
The rest of the car ride was silent, and the two men didn’t say a word to each other until Neil walked back into the living room, now in clean clothes. His legs were still shaky and sore, but Neil has just about managed on his own. Neil sat down next to Andrew on the couch, giving the shorter man enough space that he didn’t feel trapped between Neil and the armrest he was currently leaning on.
“I thought I told you not to pass out.” Andrew said finally, breaking the awkward silence.
“You said that you didn’t want to have to drag my unconscious body off the street in the middle of the night.” Neil corrected, just vaguely remembering the conversation they had back in Columbia.
Andrew’s hands now tightened around the armrest, and Neil could see that it took everything inside the small man to not burst.
“I’m sorry.” Neil offered quietly, an attempt to calm the raging sea that raised inside of Andrew. “I had…I had a bad dream, and I didn’t know what to do, I didn't know how to feel safe without running.”
So seemed to be the wrong words however, and Andrew wiped around to face Neil, his face the epitome of anger and hurt.
“You come to me instead of running yourself raw!” He shouted out, now rising from his seat to pace back and forth in front of Neil. “I was right next door with Aaron last night, you knew this Neil, you knew this! But instead of coming to me you just ran off like an idiot! I didn’t know where you were because you didn’t bother to write a note or send a text! I bet you didn’t even bring your fucking phone with you!”
Andrew stood in front of Neil, huffing in air and trying to calm down from his outburst and Neil just sat there, his head hanging low. Andrew carted a hand through his hair before sitting back down where he was before, not bothering to look at Neil.
“I was back in Baltimore.” Neil admitted quietly, his voice cracking at the memory. “I know he’s dead, I know that. But whenever I close my eyes I’m back in that basement, or I’m back in the nest. Sometimes I’m even on the beach with my mother, burying her bones in the sand.” Neil felt hit tears run down his cheeks, and he could smell the salt from the sea mixing with the gasoline he had poured on his mother. The smell of her burning flesh another to make him gag.
Andrew was looking at him now, the rage from earlier melting away at Neil’s words.
“I’m sorry I ran.” Neil said, talking not just about today. “I that moment I wasn’t thinking about anything else but getting away, and I can’t promise that I won’t do it again, but I can say that I’ll try to go to you next time, and I’ll make sure to send you a text.” It wasn’t exactly what Andrew had wanted, but it was enough to put Andrew at ease slightly.
“Yes or no rabbit?” Andrew asked quietly, and Neil smiled at him brighter than he had in days.
“It’s always yes with you.”
Andrew pulled Neil down onto his chest in a tight embrace, needing to know that Neil was there with him, and the two of them stayed like that for hours with Neil drifting in and out of sleep until Kevin walked into the dorm, his hair still dripping from showering after practice.
“I’m sorry for earlier.” Kevin offered after walking in, setting down his bag. “I was being an ass.”
“Yah, well you weren’t the only one.” Andrew responded, giving his own apology for his misdirect anger earlier.
“Have you two eaten yet?” Kevin asked, looking around the kitchen for any sign of use. “There’s some leftovers from last night that I can heat up.”
The three of them remained in near silence until Kevin emerged, precariously balancing three plates in his arms along with forks for them to eat with. Comfortable silence returned as the three of them ate in peace, that was until Kevin opened his mouth again.
“Coach says that he doesn’t want to see you in practice until you’re in better shape.”
“Oh for fuck sake.” Neil grumbled between a mouthful of food and Andrew let out a small puff of air that Neil assumed was a laugh.
“He also said that it’s up to Abby to decide when you’re ready to come back to practice.” Kevin continued taking his now empty plate over to the sink, coming back to grab Neil and Andrew’s.
Neil let out a long sting of obscenities whilst scraping the last of his food off of his plate. Andrew just rolled his eyes before pulling the bottle that he had procured from Abby earlier that Neil had completely forgotten about until now.
“That reminds me, Abby gave me these for you to take after dinner to try and help you sleep.” Andrew said, showing the bottle to Neil.
Neil let out a huff to show his annoyance with Abby’s interference, but still held his hand out for Andrew to shake two pills into, far too tired to argue tonight. The three of them all moved around each other getting ready for bed, Neil tugged on the same shirt he had thrown onto the bedroom floor at the start of his day, and began to move to ladder up to his bunk, but was stopped when Andrew tugged at his sleeve. The shorter man nodded towards his own bed, a silent invite for Neil to spend the night there, to which he agreed. Neil got in first letting Andrew trapping him between him and the wall, and maybe it was the meds that Abby had given him, but Neil had no objections, feeling safe with Andrew there with him.
“Yes or no.” Andrew asked once again.
Neil just have a small nod, far too tired to answer, and Andrew wrapped his arms around the taller man, pulling him in closer than Neil thought was possible. The tight embrace reminded Neil of his mother and the way she held him at night, sacred that if she let go, Neil would have disappeared by morning. The memory made Neil think back to Andrew's outburst from earlier, which in turn reminded him of their brief conversation in the car. Neil knew he’d regret this, but he also knew that he had promised Andrew that he’d tried to be better and, although he was yet to do it now, actions speak louder than words.
“If you go with me to do it tomorrow, and stay with me during it, I’ll schedule a session with Betsy.” Neil whispered into the quiet room, unsure if anyone heard him.
Andrew however gave Neil squeeze Neil impossibly tighter, and Neil knew there was no backing out now, if Neil told Andrew he’d changed his mind about his tagging along for the session, then Andrew would accept that. What Andrew would not accept however, is Neil changing his mind about the session entirely, chances were that if Andrew wasn't already hugging Neil, he’d have texted Betsy to set up a session.
Neil didn’t care about that right now though, all he cared about was the person he was currently sharing a bed with, and the safe feeling that spread throughout Neil’s body thanks to it. And so Neil was lulled into a long sleep, nightmares still awaiting him, but Andrew was there to help Neil tackle them.