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Frosty scenery passes by the small cloud of fogged up glass next to Dan’s mouth. The window serves as a good headrest as the rail takes him further up north.
There is a gnawing feeling inside his gut.
It has been exactly one week since they last met up. They had met up for a casual coffee, mainly to confirm that they both were real - and not catfishing each other - and had quickly decided that they needed to meet up again.
Phil Lester lives alone in an apartment just about an hour of steel rail away from Dan. Dan has seen some blurry photos of what the complex looks like inside, but he still does not know what exactly to expect when he arrives. What will the home of someone like Phil look like? Smell like? Does he even have a bed?
People had been worried the first time Dan had brought up the probability of meeting Phil Lester in real life. His so-called-friends had told him that it is better to stay away. That it is weird to be with someone like him. Dangerous. But primarily; very unnatural and weird.
Meeting up with Phil had not resulted in the desired effect though - because Dan has not since been able to do much else besides daydreaming about Phil’s dorky smile and big eyes. His pale, blue-veined skin. His soft figure. How his fingers had been surprisingly cold when they accidentally graced him over the steaming cup of coffee. Dan has only ever heard descriptions of what it would feel like. The cold. And how it makes most people shy away.
Dan’s neck is starting to hurt in its slouched position while he is staring, unblinkingly, down at his phone. Not for distraction but to bask in the feeling of being wanted. His heart throbs with warm, fuzzy excitement as he re-reads the messages from last night over and over again.
03:33 dan:
are you awake?
03:37 AmazingPhil:
Arent I always XD
03:39 dan:
o right
03:39 dan:
sorry
03:40 AmazingPhil:
Don't be sorry :] I am happy that I got my own personal night owl to keep me company
03:40 dan:
:)
03:41 AmazingPhil:
What do you want to do tomorrow when you get here? :]
03:45 dan:
what do you want me to do? x)
03:55 dan:
sry that sounded creepy
04:05 AmazingPhil:
Sorry I didn’t answer you
04:05 AmazingPhil:
Not creepy at all ^^
04:07 AmazingPhil:
If anyone is a creep between you and me it's got to be ME!! ;[
04:07 dan:
bop ur not
04:08 AmazingPhil:
My restricted diet would say otherwise
04:13 dan:
not creepy
04:14 AmazingPhil:
Most humans would think that :[
04:15 dan:
then i guess im not like most humans
04:16 AmazingPhil:
Cliche XD
04:16 dan:
:)
04:17 AmazingPhil:
Since you asked me what I would like you to do
04:17 dan:
yes?
04:18 AmazingPhil:
eager ;)
04:19 dan:
cmon stop teasing me x)
04:20 AmazingPhil:
Maybe you could hold me?
04:20 dan:
yeah? :)
04:23 AmazingPhil:
Not repelled? o.o
04:23 dan:
wtf no
04:24 dan:
why?
04:25 AmazingPhil:
LoL
04:26 AmazingPhil:
Do you like hot or cold showers?
04:31 dan:
i usually run really hot and sweaty
04:31 dan:
like a lizard on a rock in the desert
04:32 AmazingPhil:
Really? >_<
04:32 AmazingPhil:
…
04:34 AmazingPhil:
I guess that means you yearn for a natural way to cool off?
04:35 dan:
yeah
04:36 AmazingPhil:
Sure you are not a creep? >_<
04:39 dan:
maybe
04:39 AmazingPhil:
Lizard boy
04:40 dan:
>:(
04:46 dan:
u should shut up and let me hold you
04:49 AmazingPhil:
Looking forward to it ;]
It should not be hard to find the way from the busy platform to the even busier street. But Dan makes it substantially harder for himself since he manages to bump into every other person he passes while being stuck in the glowing rectangle-world of past-Phil Lester’s attention.
What is actually hard however; is to imagine that he soon will be in Phil’s apartment. That he will see how he lives. That he will be able to actually talk to him in real life again. Maybe he will even be allowed to touch him.
Dan starts thinking about what it will feel like to wrap his arms around Phil, to sneak them up along his frame and hold him tight. Will he be able to feel his cold flesh? Solely through their thin layers of clothing? Will Phil wrap his hands around Dan’s nape as he guides his own around Phil’s waist? For sure he would feel it then.
Dan has already adjusted himself in his pants three times on his way here - but now there is a literal throb between his legs. He feels an urge to cover himself up. The bulge is starting to get way too obvious in his tight-fitting pants. With flushed cheeks and darting eyes he hauls himself out of his coat and folds it up in the middle. He then drapes it over his arm as a shield.
Soon the taxi Dan has called rolls by and after he has verified the details - he is finally off on his way to Phil’s place. The social obligation of awkward small talk makes him put down the phone that has been glued to his hands for the entire trip - and by the end of the journey he has actually managed to go all soft again.
Phil’s building is as dark and ominous on the outside as it is on the inside. There is not a single soul in sight. Dan wonders briefly if this is it. If he finally has been so fucking stupid that he is going to get himself brutally murdered and snuffed in another city, far from home, by a man he has only met once.
His heart is beating stupidly fast in his chest as he raises his hand towards the black-wood door with Phil Lester’s name printed on it.
This is it. There is no going back now.
He hears quiet footsteps coming from the other side of the door and he can feel his heartbeat working itself all the way up his throat until it finally creaks open.
”Hi!”
Phil is beaming.
He looks exactly like he did last time they met up. Hell, maybe even better. More relaxed. His hair is slightly tousled, like he has not washed it and probably just been lying down, and he is clad in a pair of loose hanging sweatpants and a bright coloured shirt with a print on it. He looks soft and happy. His whole goddamn expression radiates joy. The small glimpse of his apartment behind his tall frame looks cozy and inviting, which kind of was not what Dan was picturing at all.
Dan offers a nervous smile and pulls a hand through his own hair - that he immediately regrets.
”Hello”, he croaks.
Phil just smiles at him, wide and goofy.
”Come on in! Can’t have you standing out there all on your own.”
Dan stumbles into the hallway and Phil swiftly reaches around him to pull the door shut. He immediately locks it with a loud click. Dan turns towards the noise and something must have been obvious on his face since Phil continues, a bit more softly: ”I always lock the door. Kinda shady neighborhood. But don’t be scared. I will guard us!”
Dan tries to laugh normally, but it comes off a bit too short-lived and way too forced.
”Here! Let me!”
Phil pulls eagerly at Dan’s coat-arm and he allows it to slip away.
”Why didn’t you wear this? Isn’t it cold outside?”
Dan clasps his hands together and looks up to meet Phil’s intense gaze accompanied with a quirked up eyebrow. He looks so genuinely happy to see him that Dan decides that if this is the night he gets murdered - it will simply have to be that way.
”I told you that I run very hot.”
Dan removes his shoes and Phil puts his coat on a hanger before he turns around; looking a bit more smug than he did just before.
”Heh… You really are a lizard boy then… yeah?”
Dan feels stinging heat rise to the surface of his cheeks at the mention of his playful nickname. A testament that Phil is there with him, in the same head space, in the scripts of their earlier late night conversations. But no. He can not blush and let this get weird straight away. Have some fucking dignity Dan Howell.
”Whatever…”
Phil grins at him then.
”Sure. Whatever you say Dan. But I don’t think your heart is all whatever about this.”
Dan has a visceral reaction at that, his whole body practically goes rigid with embarrassment. The slight tint to his cheeks goes beet red.
He had forgotten all about that.
The fact that Phil can read the insides of his body like it is an open book - its own language. Something unspoken but very, very present. Dan is wearing his real emotions upon his sleeve at all times.
The thought of that makes his heart race impossibly faster. He starts looping over how this newfound knowledge will work to his absolute disadvantage in every situation he is ever about to have with Phil Lester. How he will not be able to hide anything. How he can not rely on playing, cheating or deceiving himself out of difficult situations. He can not even lie to him. Phil is going to notice how much of a fuck up he really is. How was he even acting the last time that they met up? Did he act normal at all?
Of course Phil is going to notice everything about him. How could he have been so stupid not to think about that?
”Dan… you have to calm down.”
Phil's joyful expression has dropped into a worried frown.
”I- I am o-okay”, Dan stutters.
Dan is definitely not okay. His chest is hurting with how fast his heart is beating and his weak lungs are starting to struggle to allow comfortable, deep breaths.
”Uh… Dan? Can I…?”
Dan can not even begin to understand what Phil is initiating. His mind is racing miles ahead of him and his body is left behind, feeling like a pulsating prison of flesh and too loud, gurgling liquid.
Something cold touches his shoulder.
For a brief moment he thinks he has fallen down against the hallway floor. But then he feels the familiar feeling of fingertips dipping into his flesh. A hand. A gentle hand that guides his shoulder forward. And then another hand - it wraps around his waist - guides him into what feels like a pliable stone wall.
It takes a while, Dan is not sure how long. But then he realizes that he is being hugged by Phil.
Phil’s body is so cold against him. Room temperature, maybe even cooler. It feels incredibly good. Like a marble statue against the burning-hot furnace of his own panicking sack of flesh. Careful fingers find their way into his hair. He is being petted. Like a small, quivering dog that can not control its own body when the thunder begins to roar outside.
”You are okay… It’s okay… It’s just me.”
Dan lets out a large gasp of air. Relief.
It feels like the embrace stretches out for a very long time.
Dan recognizes that he is starting to come back to his senses again when he catches himself thinking about how little he wants the hug with Phil to ever end. Classic Howell move. Getting greedy with it as soon as something benefits himself.
”Feels good…”, he murmurs against Phil’s shoulder.
”Yeah?” Phil whispers against his ear.
”Like marble.”
Phil wraps his arms around him a bit tighter.
”You can touch me if you want.”
Dan feels like this probably is the wrong time to start touching each other intimately. Maybe Phil is just being nice to him, since he is quite literally a random man freaking out in his hallway.
But Dan can not help himself.
Slowly he allows his limp hands that had been hanging uselessly by his sides to wander up Phil’s frame. His fingers find their way to the slight dip of his hips. They are exactly as soft as Dan had predicted them to be.
Carefully he moves his left hand towards the hem of his shirt. An incredible sensation pools in Dan’s stomach as he finally - fucking finally - runs his hand along the freezing skin of Phil’s lower back.
Phil sighs softly, appreciative.
Dan’s other hand joins his left, and together they explore the soft flesh of his back.
The suffocating, pounding feeling inside his body is slowly drifting away, leaving a deep buzz of excitement in its place.
”You are liking it… aren’t you?”
Phil’s words manage to lure a smile out of Dan from where his face is buried against his shoulder.
One of Dan’s hands graces over Phil’s scapula where it is jutting out. He allows his hand to go flat against the flesh. Waiting. Feeling. No electric pulses, no thrumming, no fluctuations. Just… nothing. Phil’s body is completely void of any sign of life.
”Nothing is going on… in there…”, Dan whispers meekly.
”No. It’s all very silent”, Phil hums.
The realization that Phil’s body is as lifeless as he had dared himself to hope for ignites the over-worked engine inside of Dan. His excitement is directly linked to his heart and immediately it starts picking up a dangerous pace again.
”Dan…”, Phil coos pitifully. ”It’s okay… come on, let’s go put you down on the sofa.”
Sweet, innocent Phil. At least he can not yet distinguish Dan’s racing thumps of panic from excited throbs of arousal.
Dan allows himself to get pulled by the arm to a massively creased sofa in the corner of what must be Phil’s living room. The floor is cluttered with mismatched socks, gaming equipment and other various knickknacks. On the small coffee table lies something that looks like a stack of empty plastic containers. In some of them there is red crust dried up in the corners.
Phil slumps down on the couch and spreads his arms and knees open for Dan to join him in another embrace.
”Come here… lizard boy…”
The position feels as awkward as it feels natural when Dan climbs up into the couch to straddle Phil. Now it is Phil’s turn to wrap his arms around Dan’s waist as he lets him get comfortable.
”I have forgotten what that feels like.”
Dan lets his forehead rest against Phil’s knobby shoulder.
”What?”, he whispers.
Phil puts his hand against Dan’s back like he had done on him just moments before.
”The pounding.”
The giggle that follows sounds like something straight out of heaven.
”Woah, that sounded wrong”, Phil snorts.
His heart continues to throb excitedly as Phil continues to feel him up. Cold, fumbling hands working over his bony back. He can feel the movement of Phil shrugging his shoulders.
”But… I guess I am not wrong about that either.”
Dan leans back then to search Phil’s gaze. He can not believe what he is hearing. How could someone as endearing and likeable as Phil not have a heap of admirers after him already?
”Really?”
”Yeah…”, Phil mumbles softly.
He grabs Dan’s hand and places it right above where his heartbeat should have been the most prominent, ”Most humans prefer hot showers I guess.”
The suggestive nature of the position accompanied with Phil’s eye contact, the acknowledgment of his empty chest and his freezing fingertips running along Dan’s vertebrae - is getting to be too much. It causes something to expand and come to life inside of Dan’s pants.
A tingle runs along his spine at the thought of growing hard for Phil’s lifeless body in front of Phil.
It is probably embarrassing that Dan does not possess more self control. But somehow the earlier unbearable realization of being unable to hide his true self has faded. He has concluded that it is pointless to worry about it. Either Phil is into him, or he is not. It is as easy as that. And Dan craves it so much.
Phil’s eyes crinkle at the corners. A toothy grin splits his lips.
”Do you want to fuck me?”
All the color that had managed to vanish from Dan’s cheeks returns to the surface with full, flaming force. Like a bitchslap to the face. His tongue feels too large for his mouth all of a sudden and he finds it difficult to string together any form of coherent answer.
”Uhh…”
Phil leans back against the couch and spreads his gangly legs apart so that Dan falls forward against his lap. Their clothed groins are so close to touching that his mind is seconds away from circuiting.
”You should know something about me.”
Dan only manages to blankly stare at him.
”I am quite a comfortable guy…”
Phil is looking at him with a devious sparkle in his eyes now, lashes fluttering sweetly. He pouts slightly as he says: ”Don’t wanna ride you. Or blow you. Or lick you. Or eat you. Or fuck you... Or do some crazy position where I am standing up or crouching or squatting or anything.”
Phil squeezes his hip teasingly.
”I just wanna lay back… relax… and let you do all the work… inside of me.”
Dan shudders. The thought of a naked, pale body just laying there, flat and open - like a vessel - ready to be fucked and used sounds like is something plucked from the deepest parts of his mind.
”I have not done this before”, Dan blurts.
Phil crooks an eyebrow at him, his smug little smile turning lopsided.
”Huh? Are you a virgin?”
Dan averts his eyes, lets them dart towards Phil’s lap.
”No. I meant… Like with… I have not done it with a…”
Phil’s nails slowly up and down his back, finding and scratching at a small patch of dry skin. When Phil realizes that he is not planning on continuing the sentence, he tries to puzzle it together on his own.
”With a man?”
Dan can feel his cheeks heat up to the degree it probably makes him look like the biggest fool in the whole goddamn history of the world.
”No.”
Phil’s hand stills.
”You mean with a corpse?”
Dan thinks he is about to faint.
Hearing the word, spoken so bluntly and nevertheless used by Phil to describe himself - to describe what he resembles - causes Dan’s cock to violently twitch and leak an embarrassing amount of precum into his pants.
”Oh…” The smugness returns to Phil’s face.
”Oh… you really, really liked the thought of that.”
Phil rolls his hips against him and a strangled mewl leaves Dan’s throat at the contact.
He knows.
Phil knows now.
”Phil… I can ex- don’t-”
”I can take your corpse-virginity”, Phil whispers goofily and proceeds to roll his hips again, ”- sounds like a dream come true for me honestly.”
Something breaks inside of Dan with how fast his arousal peaks.
It feels like he has a thick, pulsating cable inside of him - responsible to keep everything in - and it just got itself completely sliced up and cut in half. Destroyed. The contents are spilling out of him. Leaking into every channel and fiber of his being, to places where it was never even meant to be.
Dan’s cock throbs urgently in his pants, demanding attention. His brain swims in dizzying amounts of dopamine and his hips start to twitch and grind on their own accord. He squeezes his eyes shut, seeking grace and forgiveness in the darkness of his own mind. It is embarrassing how close he already is to releasing straight into his pants.
”Dude… you are not even going to last for 30 seconds”, Phil whistles.
He reaches towards Dan’s zipper and flicks it playfully. Like a kitten playing with a string of yarn.
”Just fuck me already.”
Dan believes he must be dreaming.
How did he end up in the lap of this absurd man, this creature, that is resonating so well with what his hidden self has dreamt and yearned for throughout his whole miserable life.
Dan can not quite grasp it.
It is with unstable grace he shifts his weight backwards to balance onto his knees, successfully freeing Phil’s legs beneath him. With shaky hands he pulls at his sweatpants, tugging at them. Phil gets the memo and lifts his ass just enough so that he is able to pull them, and his pants, down to his knees in one swift motion. Phil kicks what is left clanging onto him to the floor.
When Phil raises his arms straight up in the air Dan understands that he is demanding help to pull off his shirt as well.
The sudden reveal of Phil’s snowy skin makes him go slightly insane. He is so pale and frail. It looks like he has never been outside in his entire life. Never been kissed by the sun. Never been scraped to the bone by the ground. Never been touched by the cruel forces of mother nature. Dan yearns to run his hands all over the cold, pristine flesh. Kiss it. Lick it. Worship it with all his might.
Phil studies Dan’s demeanor with intense admiration.
”Go on then.”
Dan’s cock throbs with excitement and hurriedly he unzips his jeans and pulls himself out of the trapped, sweaty heat. His cock is flushed red, leaking with shiny pearls of desperation as it slaps up against his stomach.
Phil’s eyes go wide at the sight and his tongue darts out to wet blue-tinted lips.
”Woah…”
He then lets himself fall back with a groan, lazy and heavy, against the cushions of his sofa; making himself comfortable. Propping his arms to the sides and spreading his legs wider apart in a suggestive gesture.
He is completely naked and open. Pliable and ready for Dan - demanding no preparation.
”Phil…”, Dan whimpers nervously, ”I am- … I- I am sorry… I am not going to la- last long.”
Phil drops his head back further, using the cushion as support for his neck. He stares up at Dan with a wide grin and winks goofily at him.
”Hurry up then.”
Then Phil does something quite unexpected.
The few muscles that are still supporting him give out completely and he goes totally slack against the sofa. His eyes drift away, turning glossy and void of all energy and life. They are just staring blankly, as if frozen in time, out into the void. His lips have parted, leaving his mouth slightly agape. The comfortable pillow beneath his neck allows his head to loll over to the side.
He looks dead.
”Phil…?”
Dan waits nervously.
Bracing himself for the moment of impact when Phil starts laughing at him. Telling him that it was all a joke. A silly bit for funsies.
But.
Nothing.
The silence in the room grows awfully loud without Phil’s presence.
He reaches out to stroke a careful finger along Phil’s cheekbone. The skin - soft and cold - beneath his fingertips feels like a balm for his roaring soul. Continuously he lets his hand travel from Phil’s unresponsive face towards his chest. It is soft, a bit padded with excess fat. He strokes his palm along the total stillness of his sternum.
Nothing.
He grabs hold of Phil’s thigh and tries to gently move it to the side. His body has turned heavy like lead. Unresponsive and uncooperative. Dan decides to use some force to push the leg aside.
His left hand trembles as it finds its way around the base of his cock.
Fuck.
The imagery of Phil lying naked and unresponsive and gone beneath him while he is fully clothed causes him to throb hard in his hand. His balls feel tight and heavy. He is absolutely certain that he will not last long at all. It feels like this is the most turned on he has been in his entire life.
With some determination he scoots himself closer to the opening. He is hovering just above him now, bracing one hand against the squishy thigh of Phil Lester’s lifeless body.
Dan’s mind is racing with thoughts about what it will feel like as he goes inside and as on command more liquid rolls down his shaft at the vivid thought of it. It is something he has fantasized about during sleepless nights until everything has started to hurt and ache, and the anticipation of it finally happening makes his stomach pool with heat.
He spits sloppily in his palm, slicking himself up with a combination of his own liquids and angles himself up.
So, so close.
Dan looks up at Phil’s face, a last chance to catch any signs of discontent. Phil’s expression is exactly as gone as he expected it to be. Like a sleeping beauty that is going to sleep forever. Never to wake up again.
Dan’s thighs are trembling with excitement as he allows his body to fall forward. The leaking head bumps against Phil’s dry, unyielding entrance.
It is so cold.
A deep shiver runs through him. He quickly decides that the only reasonable thing to do is to keep pushing forward, to get himself inside. Fast. If he does not hurry he is going to come and he has not even experienced what his mind is urging him to do yet.
Dan pushes in.
The resistance is immediate. Nothing like what he is used to from his previous sexual encounters. The muscles at the entrance give in with a wet sounding squelch as he sinks in.
The freezing cold of Phil Lester’s insides hits him like a physical blow.
The cold is overwhelmingly present all around him. Seeping its way into his own warm, pulsating meat. He can feel his heartbeat throb all the way throughout his tip, vibrating against the cold channel of flesh that he is burrowing himself into.
He sinks deeper inside and -
”Oh- oh god- oh god…”
The feeling is too intense.
He is fucking into something that is not participating. His brain keeps edging him with impossible thoughts.
I am fucking a corpse. I am fucking a fucking corpse.
I. am. fucking. a. corpse.
The freezing walls are hugging him so, so tightly and the friction makes it way too good to stop. He believes that he can not even physically make himself pull out now if he had wanted to. The urge to exploit the vessel and to indulge himself is so overwhelmingly strong that it possesses his whole body and soul. He is not in control.
”Oh god…”, he sobs as his hips stutter forward until he has sunk all the way down to the root.
He breathes out heavily through his nose and lets his head fall back. He stares at a small hole in the ceiling as another moan finds its way out of his throat.
Dan tries to move.
Pulling himself out slightly and then back inside again. Deep. He is buried so deep inside he can not even go further. Phil’s head bumps into the backrest and falls over more and more due to the rocking motion that his body serves the subject for. He remains totally lifeless and unresponsive against the worn out cushions. It looks like his neck must be hurting.
Dan is rutting into an unresponsive, unfluttering hole provided by a passive, uncooperative body that can not stop him or say no. Can not moan or cry or laugh or clench or kiss. Can not argue or shout or scream or pant or fight back. It will forever remain the same while he fucks into it. Will just lie there and take it as he claims whatever his own rapidly beating heart desires.
Dan’s hips continue to stutter mechanically and suddenly he has no more time to think about anything before he is coming. Hard.
”Aghhhnn….”
It feels like his body ascends as his spine goes rigid and a huge swarm of goosebumps breaks out all across his skin. He releases pump after pump of warm, gurgling fuel - residue from his clogged up, burning engine - deep into the cold, passive depth.
Dan breaths out heavily and slumps down with a pathetic whimper. It is embarrassingly obvious that he could not hold back his ejaculation at all, like a goddamn prepubescent boy looking at porn for the first time. His cock and prostate throbs happily, still buried to the hilt inside the man he practically just met.
”Oh fuck… oh god…”, he sobs against Phil’s breast hair.
A cold hand sneaks up to tickle his nape underneath heaps of sweat-damp hair.
”Dan”, Phil whispers below him, his voice hoarse.
Dan groans and accidentally ruts against him, his body still reliving the intense moment of his orgasm; his cock twitching in response. It hurts with how oversensitive he is.
”Didn’t know humans could be this excited”, Phil whispers astonishingly and clenches his walls once around him in appreciation.
It feels like way too much effort for Dan to respond so he just whines.
”Came so fucking fast inside me”, Phil purrs. ”Didn’t even have to do anything.”
Dan continues to sob. Everything is just too much for his poor mind to handle - the realization of what he has just experienced is becoming more and more real by the second.
”You would spend all day here wouldn’t you?”, Phil giggles sweetly.
”Just you… and your corpse… all alone on the sofa. Fucking and rutting until you can’t even walk straight…”
It is beyond embarrassing but Dan can feel his cock throb and fill out once again inside of Phil’s tight, freezing hole. His face is burning against Phil’s sternum.
Phil notices immediately.
”Oh… hardening for me again are we? Feel so warm and nice inside me. Like a little puppy.”
Dan mewls. The filth seeping out from Phil’s mouth is too much for his fried nerves. He does not know if he could handle it; to go again. His rabbit heart picks up, his thighs start shaking and something starts to rise in his throat.
But then Phil stretches out his arm, long and swift, and with nimble fingers he fish out the TV remote that had been pushed down into the sofa crease. He aims it above his head and then wraps a heavy arm around Dan’s back.
”Please stay inside. Relax.”
Phil strokes a comforting hand over his shoulders. Another choked up sob leaves Dan’s throat at the intimacy of it all.
”Could probably train you… lizard boy… yeah? To make me feel fucking amazing.”
Phil rolls his hips teasingly against him again and Dan just groans. He can not muster up the energy to talk.
”Just start rutting in me when you feel like going again… yeah? We have to work on that stamina of yours.”