Chapter Text
For a while, it wasn't so bad. There was even a day Rue thought she could get used to this. The raw, unmedicated version of life. She suddenly welcomed things like sunny days, loud crowds, doctors appointments, and other human inconveniences. She started thinking about new kinds of crazy things, like a career and marriage and kids. It felt equally insane as her addict thoughts but it was all so guilt-free. She finally wanted the things she was supposed to want. For a while, anyway.
Since graduating high school, and with no hope of higher education, Rue joined the noncommittal work force. Nights at the vape shop. From 8pm to 8am she served the nocturnal their nicotine cravings. Though she wasn't off chasing her dreams like Lexi or facing her consequences like Fez, she enjoyed her happy medium. Ideally, perhaps, she would've gotten out of here. At least moved to some other lame town, but at least then it wouldn't be her lame town. That was the kind of stuff that kept her up at night, which was great because she had even quit caffeine at this point. It was getting as real as it could get. Even surrounded by the walls of vapes, she felt nothing for them. Well, she felt nothing at all. But that was a problem for another time.
Rue flinched every time the bell rang. This time, though, her shoulders eased upon seeing the customer. An old friend.
Maddy had been an angel when Rue needed one most. Since sobriety, Rue had been thinking about God more than ever. She picked at what pieces resonated most. Sins seemed a bit uptight for her taste, so she was loose with them. Well, and Hell. If Hell was real she was definitely going there, she thought, so it was best to not believe in it. She did, however, believe in God sending angels.
"Maddy, what's up?" Rue met her in front of the pre-rolls. "I think the camera is busted so free one on me tonight." Maddy laughed, but Rue could tell it wasn't real. It was the performative version Rue usually watched from a distance. "What's wrong?"
"I don't know, it's stupid," Maddy said. "I just, like, feel bad for her."
"Who? Cassie? You gotta be kidding me."
"C'mon, I mean she was never going to achieve her delusional vision." Maddy played with the things on the counter, clicked fidget toys as she spoke. "And Nate's the real fucking asshole."
"Well, yeah, can't argue with that. So, you feel bad for her. That doesn't mean you have to be friends with her again."
Maddy put the toy back and made eye contact. "Look, Rue, I need a friend. I miss having a best friend, okay?"
"I'm your friend!"
"You are… a different kind of friend, Rue." Maddy looked down. Rue knew it was earnest time. One part of life that never got easier. Every time she felt something she wanted to feel something else.
"Right, okay, well, whatever," Rue said as fast as she possibly could. "Okay so let's find you a new friend, right?" Maddy rolled her eyes, but cracked a half smile.
"Where are we going to find a friend for me, Rue?"
"Uh, I don't know. Pick me up when I wake up tomorrow and I'll have it figured out."
"Fine, when do you wake up?"
"Uhh like five usually."
"Five P M?" Maddy's eyes widened with genuine horror.
"Yeah."
"Okay so I'm going to find you a new job because I need you to be a normal person. Who sleeps and wakes up at, like, normal times. Okay, Rue?"
"Uh, yeah, okay. Sure."
Rue grabbed a Fruity Pebbles pre-roll and slid it to Maddy.
"Thanks for doing business with me," she said.
Maddy laughed, "Yeah, you're welcome. See you tomorrow."
Lexi would never admit it, but she wanted to go home. Maybe not the home she came from, but a home of her own creation… possibly in the town she grew up in. She wasn't sure. Maybe she was just overwhelmed. Life was coming at her really fast.
After accepting a full ride to New York University and creating her own major, she felt on top of the world. Everything was going exactly to plan. It was her plan that was so fucked up. She had the full time schedule of a student and a full time work week overlapping, one on top of the other. Sometimes she was supposed to be in two places at once, as though she had implanted herself in a cartoon version of her own personal hell. The issue resided in her inability to fail. Even with such a workload she excelled at everything she did. She sometimes considered purposefully doing a poor job, to no avail. She was on the fast track to her dreams and she was miserable.
Her happiness mostly resided in her phone calls to both Rue and Fez. They were microcosms of the real her, kept in her little digital world. And mostly that's why she wanted to go home.
"But Lexi," Fez said one call. "Imma be out in like, five years. And by then you'll be famous and I can just come stay with you." Lexi laughed.
"Oh you think it will be that easy? What if I'm with someone?"
"Tell 'em I'm your best friend. C'mon Lexi! Nah but for real. You can't give up. Everybody else did." And for some reason, that was reason enough.
She wasn't known for being particularly social or nice or charismatic, but Lexi was taking herself to the next level and everybody knew it.
Since sobriety, and thanks to God, Rue had her own apartment. That's how she saw it, anyway. Her apartment was a lot like a grandmother's, covered in crosses and portraits of Jesus. She had both a white and a black Jesus, just in case. This was offputting to everyone she invited over, and she never explained it. It was her own thing. Well, it was between her and Ali. He was so impressed the first time she hosted him. The house was clean, he complimented the smell. They worked on their recovery and shared some baked goods. They counted down the days until Gia would visit. She insisted that Rue was two years sober before she re-entered her life. And honestly, Rue loved having a goal. A timeline. So together they ate and counted down the days.
If she wasn't expecting anyone, the place did seem to accumulate filth. And that's how Maddy found it when she came in at five-thirty the next day. She waded through dirty clothes and shoes and grocery bags. Rue's room was full of dishes.
"Dude," Maddy said. She threw her purse at Rue. "Wake up!"
Rue jumped up. "Fuck, sorry!" She rolled out of bed, which was just a mattress on the floor. At least it had sheets, Maddy thought.
"Turn around, I have to change."
"I don't care, don't make it a big deal."
Rue grumbled and put on a new pair of underwear.
"Cute butt," Maddy said, smiling.
"Maddy!" Rue pulled on the rest of her outfit as quickly as she could.
It was Maddy who drove them, one hand on the steering wheel and the other out the window. She seemed so effortless to Rue who, on the other hand, felt as though every second of her life required the highest level of effort. She put her hand out the window but it felt performative. She pulled her hand back into her lap and rolled the window up.
"Where are we going anyways?" Maddy said.
"Well, I was just thinking, and maybe this is crazy, but what if God found you a new best friend?" Rue sat up in her seat, cleared her throat. "What if we let God lead the way, you know?"
"What the hell does that mean, Rue?"
"I don't know, I mean, I was thinking we just drive around and follow the signs."
Maddy pulled over onto the side of the road, dust kicking up behind the car. She broke hard and put the car in park.
"I am not driving around aimlessly. Think of something else."
"It's not aimless, it's hopeful. Or faithful or something. It's about believing, Mads."
"Believing in what?"
"Whatever shows up, I don't know!"
And at that very moment, a semi-truck pulled up beside them. The truck driver honked a roaringly loud sound which made both of them scream. Maddy grabbed Rue's arm, her acrylics digging into her skin. Rue tried to peel her off, but she wouldn't let go.
"Excuse me!" he shouted. Rue leaned over Maddy's still body to roll the window down. "I apologize, ladies, but I fear I'm lost. Do either of ya'll know where I-95 is?" Finally, Maddy released her grip on Rue and looked up at the man.
They sat in silence for a moment before Rue finally shouted, "Isn't that on the east coast?"
Another pause and then, "Well fuck me." The driver pulled off without another word but neither could ignore the glaring text on the side of his truck: LET GOD SHOW YOU
"Well fuck me," Maddy echoed. "Should I just start driving around?"
Rue smiled.
Fez didn't mind prison so much. He got along okay with the rest of the guys, mostly because he never said no to a favor. He somehow maintained a level of neutrality; his offerings of contraband simply went to the highest bidder. He smuggled in cigarettes, weed, cocaine, you name it. Even shit from CVS, like when one of his guys needed scissors for his paper crafts. It wasn't all the movies hyped it up to be, he noticed. The place felt threatless. He ran the prison business almost better than the one outside.
His issue was more so the guards. They got off on taunting him, he thought. They'd flip his mattress and dig through his stuff when he was at lunch or in the yard. He'd return to piles of stuff all over his cell. When they could corner him in a cameraless place, they often jumped him together. Fez was smug and popular and would be out in just a few years. This all seemed irritating to the men in authority, he concluded. And sure, he acted like an asshole towards them too. But what else was there to do, sit and take it?
None of it mattered, anyway, when he talked to Lexi. Rue too, of course, but it wasn't the same. He felt immense guilt when he talked to Rue, knowing he could never be there to help if she was close to relapsing. That was when he felt the most stuck in prison. That and when he imagined what he might do when he saw Lexi next. They didn't really give it a name, but Fez knew there was something there even after all this time. Why else would they call three times a week?
He loved to hear about her life. It seemed so expansive in comparison to his own. He liked to imagine all the buildings she went to, the various rooms and people within them. He could almost smell the flowers outside her apartment. It was his escape, not unlike an older woman reading a romance novel. Lexi's voice was so sultry compared to the men and guards and even Rue. She was the most feminine thing in his life. But he only had fifteen minutes every time and it was never enough.
Fez knew Lexi would be pissed about his contraband business. Especially if she knew who his business partner was, the person who made it all possible. He considered shutting it down many times, just for her. In the end, though, he was too confident to not try. By the time he got out, he would have tens of thousands of dollars to start his life. To repay Lexi for all she'd done for him.
One day, Lexi picked up before the first ring.
"Hey Fez," she said. His smile unfolded with ease.
"Lexi, what are you doing right now?"
"Uh, well, I'm just working on an essay. It's about the impact of the printing press actually and it's, uh, very boring."
"No, that sounds cool, Lex. Tell me about it."
"Okay, well. I guess I just think it's interesting that before then things were handwritten or hand-stamped into existence. Like, everything was made from one person's hours of effort, right? And then this machine makes it so you can make something one time and it can be, well, everywhere. I mean you had to get it there physically but you could really use so much less effort. You could save so much time and have more impact. And at the risk of this being said before or whatever, I think about social media as the next coming of the printing press. We can spread our ideas even further with even less effort and time. It's so fast most people don't even understand it and yet they use it every day. That's crazy, right Fez?"
"That is so crazy."
"Right. Imagine how people reacted to the printing press. They probably thought it was a cheat. Maybe they thought only real artists handcraft everything and the hacks use the printing press. But it was the beginning of everything."
"Sounds like a great essay."
"I hope so. What are you doing after this call?"
"Probably going to play Monopoly with my friend Rubio. I'd rather play you cause you actually know the rules, but he's cool."
"Yeah, that'd be fun."
"Don't give up, okay Lex?"
"I told you I wouldn't!"
"Okay, okay. Good. Just makin' sure. I gotta go. Thanks for telling me about the printing press and, uh, I hope you get a good grade and I hope you sleep good tonight."
"Thanks, Fez. I hope you sleep well too."
Fez did sleep well because that night he dreamt of Lexi.
It seemed that karma had its own plan for Nate Jacobs. In spite of his relentless retaliation, he was no match for his only friend left: his stalker. In the aftermath of his father's arrest, his life quickly spiraled. He had, without realizing it, cut off his only access to money, resources, power. It wasn't even so much that his father was enacting revenge, but rather that it was all truly gone. An investor took the company, the bank took the house, and Nate was suddenly on his own. He managed as he always did. Got a job doing construction for his father's old rival company. He helped build houses on land his father once dreamt of buying.
He regretted it all. But what he regretted the most was dating Cassie Howard. She was the only thing he did not miss from his past life and yet she was the only thing that stayed. He would find her sitting on the steps in front of his apartment, crying. She called his boss begging to talk to Nate. She showed up on the site in just a bikini, flirting with his coworkers. She was another stain on his life he could not remove.
The worst was the day he was up for promotion. He begged for a chance to pitch a project. And surprisingly, knowing that he was the son of Cal Jacobs, his boss decided to give him the shot. Nate practiced his speech, his tone of voice. He bought a suit just for the meeting. This was everything; this was how Nate would get his life back.
It had been two weeks since his last Cassie sighting. This was either great or horrible, but he decided to be optimistic. Maybe she met someone, God willing. The meeting was at the corporate building, a large black shiny building off the highway. You couldn't ignore it when you drove past and Nate liked that. He pulled into the parking lot with a confidence he hadn't had since high school. It felt like finally he was back on the field and this game was a sure win. And then he saw Cassie's car.
She wasn't inside it, but it was definitely hers. His stomach was immediately sick. He was in a horror movie of his own creation. Somewhere inside that building was his dream life and his worst nightmare. He desperately hoped they would not find one another.
There was nothing else he could do but walk into the building, posterboards tucked beneath his armpit as he walked through security. He took the elevator to the third highest floor and was escorted directly to the conference room. Sweat dripped down the back of his neck as he imagined, somewhere around, Cassie waiting for him.
"Nate Jacobs!" Michael Wells, the big boss, said when he came through the door. "Son of Cal Jacobs, holy shit. How the hell are ya?"
"I'm doing great, sir, I'm very happy to be here," Nate said, looking behind him every so slightly. "How are you, sir?"
"Well, I have been looking forward to this meeting so I'm feeling good." This eased Nate's shoulders. Things already seemed to be looking up for him, he thought. Maybe it wasn't Cassie's car, after all. Maybe he was self sabotaging.
"Today I'm going to be showing you an excellent property, some tight zoning, and what we are going to be building on top," Nate said, his voice smooth.
"Slow down, Nate, what do you want to drink?" He wandered towards the bar. Nate's eyes followed him as he figured what to say next.
"I'll have water," Nate said, quieter.
"No, how about a whiskey?"
"Yes, sir. Thank you."
"I have to admit something I don't think you'll like, son."
Nate's stomach dropped. Things were unraveling; something strange was happening. He could feel the rug slipping beneath him.
"I am dating a young woman you went to high school with. Now, I know that's not everyone's cup of tea. And I know about your dad, so I'm sure it's sensitive. The age gap stuff. Anyway, the reason I tell you this is because she was the one who recommended you. She insisted that you were nothing like your father, that you deserve a chance. And now I'm giving that to you, okay?"
"Yes sir, thank you. I'm glad someone was able to tell the truth of my character."
"Well you can send Cassie a thank you card."
"Cassie Howard, sir?"
"That's right. Thank her for the fact that I'm probably going to give you this job."
That was the worst part: he got the job. Not one glance at the project he put his entire being into. Not one word of the speech to say. He was getting exactly what he wanted and it was only because Cassie let him have it.
Life after high school made it all worth it for Jules. She still couldn't fathom that teenagers, essentially big kids, were being tortured in high schools all across the nation, but at least she was no longer one of them. She was safe now in the real world. Everyone she met knew nothing of her past and rarely ever asked. She was just a girl, no question about it.
But she wouldn't be Jules if she didn't miss the thrill. She missed the nights she, Elliot, and Rue would get drunk and lay in the middle of the street. She missed her dad and her room and her bike. She even sometimes missed the misery of it all, the torture Nate would inflict on her. She couldn't ever admit something like that, but it was true. Now that she was safe she just felt undesirable. The world walked around her with ease. No one stayed up late just to talk to her.
The most exciting thing about her life was her work crush, a fact of which she found dreadfully boring. She was only capable of forced proximity connections, it seemed; she could not veer off into uncharted territories. Still, she was hot.
You see, Jules worked at a night club. She was offered a bottle girl role but for some reason she insisted on being a bartender. She thought she would make more money, and that's when Violet laughed in her face.
"You should've been a bottle girl," Violet said without proper introduction. "I make thousands of dollars a week."
"I've already victimized myself enough for one lifetime," Jules said, somewhat shouting over the music. It was her first real shift and the clock was circling eleven.
"I'm not a victim," Violet replied. "You're a victim of your perspective. Anyway, they'll be here soon."
"Who?"
"The drunk losers who come here, who else?" There was something in the way Violet walked away that made Jules feel very inappropriate.
At first, she was not great at making drinks. She was used to people making her drinks, honestly. Served in plastic cups instead of glasses. Made with gas station wine. Maybe she wasn't used to any of this at all, but she felt like it shouldn't be so hard. But then again everyone she served was either hammered or sober and she didn't know how to fix either one.
At the end of the night, around four, Violet reappeared at the bar. She had been barking orders at Jules all night, trying to make another grand in just one night. She liked her drinks out the moment they were ordered. She liked her bartenders obedient, she said. But at closing she was softer.
"You did a great job. What's your name?"
"Jules."
"Okay, Jules, well. I'll see you tomorrow night, won't I?"
"Yeah."
"Okay."
"Okay."
"How will I know when something is the right sign for me?" Maddy asked Rue, driving slowly down a two lane road. She pulled over when a car got behind her, not wanting to be rushed. She was worried she might miss a sign. Not that the truck was enough to completely change her world view or anything, but it all did seem awfully suspicious. And at this point, she was desperate.
Maddy had been spending most nights alone. She made all her money making ads for online brands. She filmed herself with their lipstick, pretending it was the reason for her plump lips. Or that some cheap shampoo defined her hair, or some other fake product doing something it doesn't. It was soulless but so, so easy. Sometimes she didn't even get out of bed.
She didn't consider herself naive, but she seemed to be about one big thing: friendship. She really had it in her mind that Kat, Cassie, Lexi, BB, and everyone else, that they'd all still be around. At least to some extent. But every single one of those relationships had faded, or at least were stuck in the realm of social media comments and likes. Kat ghosted everyone here after she went to college. Lexi was too busy. They never really talked.
The only person who really made time for her was Rue, which admittedly was unexpected. For some reason, she had felt closer to Rue since that night. Rue's honesty had freed Maddy from two leeches, vampires, soul-suckers. It was the kind of gift you really can't repay someone for. So when Rue said she was going to try to be sober, Maddy made sure it all worked out. She found Rue a therapist and drove her to the appointments. She went on apartment tours with her and asked all the questions. She complimented Rue, hoping to drag some confidence out of her over time.
So yes, in a way they were best friends. But Maddy didn't do this stuff for her other friends. Rue was more of a project that she loved dearly.
And if Maddy wasn't being stubborn, Rue had some gems to offer her as well. Like how to tune out all the thoughts and tune into God, even while you're driving sixty miles per hour.
"You just need to focus on the sensation of connection," Rue said. "In your gut, I think."
"I don't even know what that means."
"Just remember what it felt like to have friends!"
Maddy focused on the road in front of her, white stripes blinking by. She remembered when everyone orbited around her as if she was the sun. Suddenly, she felt warm in her stomach and across her cheeks. It felt, momentarily, as though no time has passed. This is what Rue was talking about, she knew. And then, the next sign.
A small restaurant on the side of the road. Its name in big, purple neon letters: MAIN CHARACTERS
"Why here?"
"'Cause I'm pretty sure we're the main characters, Rue."