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Great philosophers once said that when you have the least power you crave the most power. That much makes plenty of sense, it's obvious, almost child's play. But when you had the most power, what could you really want but a moment's peace? Well now philosophers could never really agree on that one.
Vader pondered this to himself as he sat in his castle plotting out strategies. He had really done it these last few years, he had the entire empire at his fingertips. But all he really wanted was the gentle comfort of his past. You see the last few weeks he'd been hearing things, Padme's laugh from around the corner, obi wan’s sigh as he fell asleep, Ahsoka's giggle when he'd accidentally tripped going up the stairs. The past was haunting him and he wasn't ready to face it.
The force had other plans, he felt them from time to time, a subtle tingle, of course he'd pushed it off as delusions. Obi wan couldn't be alive, his children couldn't be alive, ahsoka.. well she could be alive but really he didn't want to think about that. His bones ached, his skin tingled, everything hurt, everything always hurt. But that was the way of the sith after all , pain was power. And what could a man want more than power? What could he want more than power?
He felt old, ancient, like they'd scraped up a pile of ashes on Mustafar and called it ‘Darth Vader'. There it was again, the tingle. He was free! He was powerful, he was rich, people trembled in fear at the mention of his name. And yet he'd never felt more captive. Funny coming from him right? The boy from Tatooine, the chosen one, the signature rags to riches story. People stared at him, people took orders from him, people respected him. What was the line between respect and fear? He was a terror, a ruler with an iron fist. He'd gone a long way from the boy scavenging for scraps in the metal yard. But he'd never felt more alone.
Truth be told he'd done his best to abandon Anakin, to leave him to burn in the scolding pits of Mustafar. Never to be thought of again. But memories have a stubborn pull. He could have chosen a different path, he could've left the order, he could've become a pilot, he could've gone rogue and left to the outer rims. He could've stayed. There was nothing that could change that now, he was stubborn, he was mad with power, and the only solution he'd really been given was violence.
Ahsoka had been so much stronger than him. He'd tried to hold her accountable for leaving so many times, he'd said that maybe if she'd been there things might have turned out different. Really if she'd been there he'd have only put her in danger, he'd put a bounty on her head, he'd done everything in his power not to see her. Thank the force she was so quick witted. When the jedi had exiled her she'd left, she went and became her own person, she'd come this much closer to freedom. He'd envied her for that, maybe that was why he'd tried to kill her. Or maybe it was just trying to end the insistent itch of nostalgia.
Padme had been stronger than him. Force knows he tried to speak his mind obviously, but he'd never get the words right. Padme would go up there, she'd say what she was thinking, she'd have facts to back it up. She could make people listen to her ,she didn't have to threaten them, they'd actually want to hear what she was saying. She would always say things so well
The rebellion was based on her ideals, and that both thrilled and terrified him. There had been a time when he understood what she was saying, there had been a time when he'd listened. There had been a time when she'd loved him. He'd clutched on to that too tightly, possession was a dangerous thing, he knew that.
He really, really didn't want to think about Obi Wan. He'd done everything in his power not to. Obi Wan was like a brother to him in some ways, they'd bickered, they'd fought more times than he could count, they'd been a ‘dynamic duo’. But in a way Obi Wan was like the father he'd never had. Obi Wan had been a mentor, he'd been gentle and kind, he'd been stern, he'd been a teacher, but he'd been the closest thing to a father that Anakin had experienced. And there was extreme value to that, even if he didn't want to name it.
Vader was drawn out of his thoughts by the nearby noise of marching stormtroopers. Vader sighed, he really was getting old.