Work Text:
It was around the tail end of winter, and the days were getting warmer. I was feeling a bit sad that I had to begin forgoing my heavy winter coat; wearing it reminds me of receiving a big warm hug.
Ano-chan messaged me that morning telling me that she was sick, so she wouldn’t come to school. Band practice after school was called off as well. I wished her well, and then time seemed to pass just a bit slower until dismissal.
As I walked out of the school grounds, the empty space beside me felt uncomfortably strange; like an open chasm. I thought of what I wanted to do when I got home, but it only made me sadder that I could only think of wishing I could look forward to seeing everyone in the studio…
There’s this quiet corner near a convenience store between the station and school. Sometimes there’s leaves that pile up nearby and make a satisfying crunch when stepped on, or a puddle after the rain which I slipped on and fell in once. But this time, an unusual noise tickled my ears as I passed it. It was that of a cat, followed by another, and yet another. As I listened in, it became a chorus of meows and purrs. I couldn’t help but wander over curiously.
There she was; Raana-chan, surrounded by a few cats. I was surprised to see her, she didn’t normally wander the area… or I thought she didn’t. Raana-chan is an enigmatic figure, you see. Nonetheless, joy welled up in my heart as I drew near.
She was facing away from me, but she perked up as she seemed to sense my approach.
“Tomori.” She spoke in her usual impassive monotone.
“...R-Raana-chan..?”
A cat wandered towards me. It was fuzzy and brown, with blue eyes. That’s as much as I can remember… I think Raana-chan could tell you more about it.
The fuzzy brown cat rubbed up against my leg; its fur made my skin itch a bit. It looked up and meowed at me.
“You’re interesting.”
I looked up at Raana-chan, who extended her hand to one of the cats.
“Like this.”
I did the same, and the fuzzy brown cat sniffed my hand. It meowed at me again and went back to Raana-chan.
“Shy cat.”
“U-Um… R-Raana-chan… wh-what are you doing here?”
Raana-chan didn’t answer me, but she patted the spot beside herself.
“Come here.”
I sat with Raana-chan as she played with the cats. In her typical fashion, she didn’t talk very much to me, but she did tell me bits and bobs about them as they weaved in and out around us. I didn’t really know what to do at first… but with some coaxing from Raana-chan, I ended up reaching out and petting the cats that cautiously approached me. I remember Fuzzy Brown coming by the most, but she seemed too scared of me to linger.
As it all went on, the air got a bit colder as the sun radiated its final orange hues. I like to think it’s dismissing itself for the day with its own majestic sendoff as it sets…
There’s a simple joy that can be taken in moments like this… like the feeling of popping bubble wrap, or watching water lap at the edge of a pond. It warms the soul in a certain way, like chicken soup for the heart. It spread outwards to my extremities as Raana-chan leaned into me and rested her head on my shoulder.
“What are you brats doing here?”
The chill of the air bit me as the voice boomed at us. The soundwaves felt like shockwaves which reverberated into my deepest being. It made the cats jump in fright and run. I could only look behind at the source. I didn’t know how to react. It was so sudden.
“W-Wait..! We-” I somehow managed to start stringing together some words, against the will of my throat, which insisted on clamping shut.
“Don’t talk back to me, you punk! I can recognise your uniforms anywhere! Tsk, it’s always you kids causing problems for my business… Don’t you know those strays are going to dirty the place? Who’s going to clean up after them?”
Suddenly, Raana-chan grabbed my hand. She was frowning. I think that was the most cross I’d ever seen her… She pulled me to my feet and brushed us by that adult, towards the street.
“What are your names?- Hey! Where do you think you’re going?”
I nearly tripped over my feet when she started running, and I could only keep up because she was dragging me along… I learnt that day how shockingly nimble Raana-chan could be.
I don’t know how far or for how long we ran, but it was tortuous. I was completely out of breath when we stopped, and I thought I was going to collapse… I had to squat down to breathe and rest my aching legs. My body felt like it was burning.
Raana-chan appeared to be in a better state than I was. Standing, she wiped a bead of sweat off her forehead and smiled at me as she sat down.
All kinds of unfamiliar buildings enclosed us like trees within this small alleyway, a small slice of this concrete jungle that is the Tokyo Metropolis. It must’ve been in a very tucked away corner of town, since I didn’t see anyone walking by despite the time.
My thoughts wandered back to earlier as I sat down too. I remember thinking:
‘But… I was only spending time with my friend… and playing with cats… is… is there something wrong with that?’
I really didn’t understand why the store owner got so angry with us… and it didn’t feel very good to get shouted at like that. We could’ve been told all of that nicely and I think we’d have listened.
“You punk!”
Those two words in particular ran laps around my head and made my stomach twist and turn in profoundly unpleasant ways. You can say that MyGO!!!!! is a punk rock band, and… that I write and sing for it but… I’m… not a punk. I don’t think I am.
I try my best to be good, I don’t want to hurt people, I don’t want to make people angry, but sometimes it doesn’t work. Sometimes people still get frustrated with me, they tell me I’m acting out and… they ask why can’t I be more normal.
I try so hard to belong yet… hardly anyone can recognise it.
Why..?
I don’t understand.
Why do I try so hard…?
My stomach tied itself into even more knots as an uncomfortable feeling squeezed hard in my chest, it burnt and bubbled like an acrid bile.
“Hmmmmmm~.” Raana-chan interrupted my thoughts.
“A-Ah..!”
Her hands… they reached for my tie. I shrunk back a bit, unsure of what she was trying to do. She released butterflies into my knotted stomach as she seized it, and pulled it out of my blazer. A tug on my neck, and suddenly she was very close. Uncomfortably so. I could feel her warm breath wafting down into my collar. I can only say it smelled like her.
I held my breath; the butterflies made me tremble; then there was another tug and it felt easier to breathe. Fingers tickled my throat; I was suddenly made very aware of the disappearance of this terribly fiery itch circling my neck that felt almost like a rash. I didn’t even know it was there in the first place.
Raana-chan backed off. I looked down and touched my collar, it was open; I could feel the cool air against the very top of my sternum. My tie was a mess, it was now a piece of fabric sloppily draped over my blazer, catching a cool breeze that was passing by. I tried to fix it, but Raana-chan stopped me with her hand.
“Better?” She asked me.
“U-Um…” I didn't understand what she was trying to do. “Y-yes..?”
“Gimme.” She pointed at me, or something on me. I wasn’t sure.
“I don’t- o-ouh-!”
I squeaked. Her hands came upon me again as I hesitated, seizing my blazer by its buttons; my arms went up in instinct. Up and over my blazer went, then down as Raana-chan draped it flimsily over her small frame.
She looked funny with it over her school uniform; the colors were entirely mismatching, yet it fit her somehow.
Raana-chan is always in her element when she stands out against the grain. There’s this confidence in her movements; every step she takes is full of assurance that she’s going the right way; she never jerks around as if hesitating. She’s always so… carefree.
Me on the other hand… I try to keep my head low and go with the flow, but I’m always worrying; I feel tense a lot of the time; I often feel like I don’t know where I’m supposed to be going. People treat me like a curiosity for it.
I… I’m not sure if I like it. At school, they call me ‘Haneoka’s Weirdo Girl’; I don’t understand it. I get referred to as a mascot, sometimes people say I’m like a cute animal. I don’t think they’re trying to be mean, but… it makes me feel like I’m not human. I know I’ve always been a bit ‘off’, but… the things I do aren’t that strange, are they?
It’s so gut wrenching… I can reach out and almost touch the ‘normal’ world, but an invisible web has me ensnared just beyond.
How is Raana-chan so comfortable with being so far away from it?
“You’re getting it.” She interjected with a grin. Regardless of whether I thought out loud or if she could read my thoughts, I didn’t question it.
She leaned in again. Her eyes appeared to take on a glint as she narrowed them ever so slightly. I jittered; the butterflies came back in full force. Something in the back of my mind screamed a warning of danger at me.
“Tomori. I wanna play with you.”
My blazer went back up, or more accurately it was thrown up. Everything suddenly became dark when it came back down. I squeaked again as she yanked on my tie.
“A-Ah-! R-Raana-chan..!”
I somehow lost my balance; we fell. Raana-chan’s soft body cushioned my fall. Everything else happened in quick succession; she grabbed the back of my head, we locked lips, I found her other hand and took it. Everything else became a blur in a sudden influx of desire, but… I can remember that her tongue tasted sweet, with a hint of all the matcha she eats.
We broke the kiss when we were completely out of breath. It wasn’t our first time doing something like this… but as the fresh oxygen shot the sugary haze out of my head, it occurred to me that we weren’t in private. Perhaps it was because of the fabric shrouding our heads, a lack of time to really think about it or… something else, but it didn’t bother me as much as it should’ve.
“Hehe. This is how.”
I had an inkling of a thought about the message she was conveying, but before I could complete it, I felt her warm breath lingering on my neck, trickling down my collar. There was a wet feeling, and then blank for a few seconds. By the time I returned to my senses, her fingers were greedily undoing the next two buttons of my shirt. The air around us was cool, but under the shroud, it was getting very hot. I couldn’t tell if it was because of a blush or the mixing of our panting breaths.
I blanked out a few more times after that. I can vaguely remember hitched breaths, the buzzing of my nerves, us struggling against each other, the flailing of limbs, strange vocalisations coming out of my throat, and slobbered spittle all over my chest.
The next thing I knew, a fleshy part of Raana-chan’s shoulder was in my mouth, and I was biting down on it with quite some force. She tensed up and kicked my legs, but she was also hugging me and pulling me in as close as she could. Her desperate, catlike mewls filled my ears like music. I knew I broke her skin as soon as I felt the tension against my jaw give. Warm copper spilled onto my tongue; I lapped it up like it was the last thing I would ever get to drink.
By the end of it, she was limp. Her ragged breathing and the blood oozing onto my lips were the only signs of her continued existence. The feelings which overcame me left my body in an instant, replaced by a stinging guilt. I had hurt her.
“Incredible…” Although Raana-chan was right next to me, she sounded like she was in a land far, far away.
“R-Raana-chan… d-did I h-hurt you…? I-I’m so sorry…” I stuttered. My eyes started to feel hot, it must’ve been tears.
“Tomori,” she grabbed my shoulders with such an intensity that it almost hurt, “is a very interesting girl.”
“A-Ah..!?”
If I had to imagine an expression on her face based on her tone of voice, I think she’d have been madly grinning. Like the Cheshire Cat.
“Tomorrow- Every day.”
“M-Mmhm.”
This time, I understood what she meant.
When I finally got back home that evening, I was thinking that maybe I am a punk… well, only a bit of one. I wanted to nurture this newfound side of me; to embrace going against the flow. To this effect, I’ve been trying out various things like… staying out late with Raana-chan, or staying up with Taki-chan to watch her compose.
There are also other things that I’ve learnt about being a punk, and about myself, Raana-chan and the others in the passing days, weeks, and months. But… I think… I want to keep those precious memories to myself, so please forgive me for it.
If it’s just for myself, and for my friends, it’s nothing too egregious, right? The world doesn’t need to know of it.
Ah, there’s… nothing else for me to add, so thank you for listening to me.